I just wanna do what I wanna do in my own house (sigh, whine)

[mama25angels]

I need advice for patience and understanding because I don't have any right now and honestly I don't know how much more I can take. My mil is here, the visit was somewhat unexpected, please don't think that I don't love her because I do and she's much nicer than she used to be but, I'm tired of being hostess. I'm tired of being her chauffeur, I'm tired of playing rummy every night (a game I previously liked), I'm tired of my youngest sleeping on our bedroom floor (in his sleeping bag) and most of all my dh turns into a big jerky baby when she's around and I'm really tired of that. I have no peace, not five minutes. My dh sleeps in late, has just completely lay down and taken naps throughout her visit. You know what's really getting to me, when you innocently ask when she's leaving she says she doesn't know. So, I don't even have an end date to this torture. Like I said I do love my mil but I have to have her in smallish doses because she's very controlling and attempts to take over EVERYTHING! I know that some of this frustration is stemming from the fact that it's very close to that time of the month. You know I've actually been contemplating burning the house down, lol!

Edited February 28, 2018 by mama25angels

[eternalsummer]

I cannot tolerate company that has no end date.  It makes me crazier than anything else about company (and pretty much everything about company makes me crazy).  I would pin down DH RIGHT NOW and say "look, I am miserable but I am surviving.  I can manage this a little longer, but I absolutely must know when she is leaving.  You get her to agree to a leaving date TODAY.  Also I will need to be gone for a couple of hours each evening (or afternoon, or whatever works for you) until she leaves.  I'm sure you and she can manage dinner for the next week or so."

 

I am a great hostess for about 2 days.  Then I'm a mediocre hostess for another 3-4 days.  Then I am gone.  If someone wants to stay longer than a week, I will just be gone as much as humanly possible.

[eternalsummer]

Don't play rummy.  Just don't.  I don't play games with DH's relatives when they come to visit; it annoys me so I don't do it.  I beg off with some random excuse (oh, sorry, can't, have to do the laundry!).  Give her your car keys at let her take herself wherever.  Tell her DS will be sleeping on her bedroom floor from now on, as you're having trouble sleeping.  

 

The DH I can't help you with.  

[Laurie4b]

:grouphug:

[FaithManor]

Tell her on x day, your normal life will resume which means no rummy, no chaufferring, no extra cooking, etc. Tell her homeschool resumes on that day too so between 8 and 2 (or whenever you do school), she needs to find a way to QUIETLY occupy herself. Then stick to it.

This. We had to do this for in laws who would have stayed forever and did expect a lot of extra special attention. That first couple of years of their retirement they would just hit the road and show up at our house. No warning. Then they would complain because Dh didn't have time off from work. And they expected the homeschooling to come to an end while there. Ai yi yi yi yi!

 

So we started telling them. when they arrived that they were welcome to stay, but life wasn't coming to an end and that there would be some meals that would be fend for themselves because I had performance events, or the kids had extracurriculars, etc. The worst was when they got it in their heads that I should cancel piano lessons last second because they showed up. Hum. No. But that one solved itself easily because I started leaving the studio door open. They love classical music and kids, so it tickled their hearts to listen in. They then became rather enthusiastic doormen every time the next student arrived or parent walked through the door.

 

But ya...you have to get firm on boundaries and don't relent.

[Annie G]

I’d feel the same way! I need an end date...a finish line to strive for. When my in laws used to visit I always planned a dinner out with the girls for that week so I at least had one night out mid-visit so I could regroup - thus making it possible to make it through the visit.

 

Hope you can get dh to nail her down on an exit date. I completely sympathize with you.

[4Kiddos]

Oh goodness I hear you! Last year seven of DH's relatives came for a two week visit. It was miserable- the complained about everything and completely trashed my house. I was pulling my hair out and crying in my closet everyday. It took me two full weeks to clean and put things back into some semblance of order. And the cost of replacing all the things they broke was huge. I did have the benefit of knowing when they were leaving so I am hoping you might be able to have a leave date soon!

 

The bright side was that when they left we appreciated our clean, comfortable, and peaceful home even more.

Edited February 28, 2018 by 4Kiddos

[LarlaB]

Eeeeks. The invisible finish line would make it tough for me to cope! That should be DHs job... but it sounds like you’re frustrated with him for other issues so I can’t help you there.

 

Just draw boundaries to save your sanity. That’s the simplest advice I can give...it’s tough but necessary. You can be kind and polite but firm.

 

(((Hugs))) that’s tough!!!

[Seasider]

Company with no end date???!!!! 😳

 

Egads. I can't imagine. Isn't there some way to get a date out of her?

 

Doesn't your dh have to go to work? In your shoes, I'd have to start finding something to vacuum at naptime.

[Melissa in Australia]

Hugs

 

 

My mil would stay for a month every year.... I don't think I ever did anything right the whole visit.

 

 

she became too old to travel eventually

[Frances]

I cannot tolerate company that has no end date. It makes me crazier than anything else about company (and pretty much everything about company makes me crazy). I would pin down DH RIGHT NOW and say "look, I am miserable but I am surviving. I can manage this a little longer, but I absolutely must know when she is leaving. You get her to agree to a leaving date TODAY. Also I will need to be gone for a couple of hours each evening (or afternoon, or whatever works for you) until she leaves. I'm sure you and she can manage dinner for the next week or so."

 

I am a great hostess for about 2 days. Then I'm a mediocre hostess for another 3-4 days. Then I am gone. If someone wants to stay longer than a week, I will just be gone as much as humanly possible.

I agree that you need to talk to your husband and work out a plan for while she is there. I also love my MIL, as does my husband, but her visits can be very draining for both of us. My husband always takes the week off while she is visiting, and I used to come home from a full day of work, and then they wanted to start discussing dinner plans. Because my MIL has a million constantly changing allergies, we couldn’t just easily whip something up at that point. So I made a deal with my husband. If they did all of the planning, shopping, and cooking for dinners and had it ready when I came home, then I would clean up and hang with her for a few hours afterwards while he went to work out or otherwise get a break. And since she was an early to bed person, then I would get my break when she retired for the night.

[mama25angels]

[quote name="Seasider" post="8026865" timestamp="

Doesn't your dh have to go to work? In your shoes, I'd have to start finding something to vacuum at naptime.

 

Unfortunately, fortunately, my dh is retired. So picture me trying to rush through school so she's not sitting on the couch alone while he's in the bedroom gaming, lol

[Scarlett]

Unfortunately, fortunately, my dh is retired. So picture me trying to rush through school so she's not sitting on the couch alone while he's in the bedroom gaming, lol

OH heck no, I would be in there telling him to get out there and entertain his mother.

[Frances]

OH heck no, I would be in there telling him to get out there and entertain his mother.

Yes, he should be taking on the bulk of the responsibility to entertain her. Or sharing it with you while he does household or kids’ stuff when you are with her. I think you need to be proactive and make a plan with him to fairly divide responsibilities while she is visiting.

[eternalsummer]

Yes, my DH will do this too on occasion when his family comes to visit.  It's like, after a few days he feels how annoying they are too, so he tries to escape (or just does escape) by secluding himself with his normal daily activities (we both work from home so he is home the whole time they're here).  As soon as he does that I leave the house with any kids who cannot be watched by the in-laws.  and the in-laws can basically watch everyone except the baby.  I say, hey, DH and DH's relative(s), I'm going out to get groceries and go to the bookstore and etc. and I won't probably be home for a few hours, have fun!  There's bread and peanut butter in the cabinet.

[Seasider]

Unfortunately, fortunately, my dh is retired. So picture me trying to rush through school so she's not sitting on the couch alone while he's in the bedroom gaming, lol

Yikes! I'd be pulling the plug on that!

 

What if you just packed a suitcase, tell them how thankful you are that they're both there to watch the kids, and....voila! Vacation! 😄

 

Seriously, though, I can see why you are frustrated. I hope you are able to get back to normal soon.

[Seasider]

OH heck no, I would be in there telling him to get out there and entertain his mother.

The chauffeuring for sure, at the very least.

[laundrycrisis]

I would tell them BOTH....THIS is MY place of work. Go out together and enjoy each other. Every day, all day, M-F. Seriously, get out from under my feet, scram ! I’ve got school and housework to do.

[gaillardia]

This situation puzzles me. 

So, she doesn't help out with the chores? Washing dishes? Unloading dishwasher? Sweeping, vacuuming, folding laundry? 

Doesn't she take walks? Get her hair done? Go shopping for you? Fix a meal? Don't you guys take any field trips? 

Start giving her assignments. "Mom, could you get the laundry started while I help so and so?" etc. 

 

That dh...he needs to be taken aside and whipped into shape. Here are the times we do "me" time. Here are the times you can game. The rest of the time you are on call, bub. Where is his list, written by you, of things he needs to accomplish?

I cannot imagine being with mil, sister, cousin, neighbor, anybody! nonstop for days. You need a break. Let her babysit while you and dh leave the house for a date and have a "nice" discussion on what next. 

If she's lonely, maybe she should move closer. Then you'd probably never see her.

Is there some reason she's avoiding going home that she isn't talking about? Not your problem, but if it is so, it has become your problem anyway.

Are there other siblings of dh? What is their responsibility to their mother?

[LMD]

What? Your dh naps and games while you homeschool and entertain his mother? I am trying hard not to judge your dh harshly here...

[Twolittleboys]

Is there a specific reason for her visit? Has she done this before (just show up and stay without an end date)? It sounds so strange to me (but may not be depending on the individual family) I would wonder if there is a reason for it (e.g. money is tight and she can't afford to heat her own home or all of her friends have died lately and she is lonely etc.). If there is a reason it would make a difference to how I would feel and solving the underlying problem would get her out faster.

 

If there is no such reason I would think this very strange if she were to stay more than a week (at the most). I definitely would talk to your dh - he needs to step up. 

[Χά�ων]

Don't play rummy. Just don't. I don't play games with DH's relatives when they come to visit; it annoys me so I don't do it. I beg off with some random excuse (oh, sorry, can't, have to do the laundry!). Give her your car keys at let her take herself wherever. Tell her DS will be sleeping on her bedroom floor from now on, as you're having trouble sleeping.

 

The DH I can't help you with.

Hmm, you must be nicer than I am, I would politely decline rummy and invite her to play the most complex game in my personal collection. Currently that would be Mage Knight with the two rules books and fairly steep learning curve for non gamers. It takes up the entre table to play, has a solo player mode, and if the person does not know the game they will have no clue what the objectives are or if/when they have been completed so the game can stretch for days and days. If that did not work I would start a Descent 2.0 (with all expansions) campaign and claim it cannot be stopped until every possible scenerio has been completed or I would borrow Diplomacy or the massive Axis and Allies with expansions.

[mama25angels]

Is there a specific reason for her visit? Has she done this before (just show up and stay without an end date)? It sounds so strange to me (but may not be depending on the individual family) I would wonder if there is a reason for it (e.g. money is tight and she can't afford to heat her own home or all of her friends have died lately and she is lonely etc.). If there is a reason it would make a difference to how I would feel and solving the underlying problem would get her out faster.

 

If there is no such reason I would think this very strange if she were to stay more than a week (at the most). I definitely would talk to your dh - he needs to step up.

 

There's no reason that I know of for her visit, she usually stays for only a week when she normally visit. Had I known she was not going to have an end date, I would've asked her to come at a more convenient time. Originally, we didn't even know she was in our state, DH's younger sister lives here also but, in a different part of the state. She was at her Dd's house but started feeling unwelcome because they were asking her when she was leaving, I suspect there's more to it than that. I thought about taking an early spring break but I don't want to do that because I'd still have co-op classes. I'm only homeschooling the youngest two, a high schooler and 4th grader, the older ones work and are doing college classes. Here's the thing, my mil likes to be useful but she also likes to complain, lol so she has made a meal, but she doesn't do any laundry or any of the other stuff.

[mama25angels]

Yes, he should be taking on the bulk of the responsibility to entertain her. Or sharing it with you while he does household or kids’ stuff when you are with her. I think you need to be proactive and make a plan with him to fairly divide responsibilities while she is visiting.

He did great with this the first few days but, he's started stressing out about it too because he's not able to do any of the fun things he'd normally be doing.

[Critterfixer]

No advice, but  :grouphug: . That sounds rough. 

[kiwik]

He did great with this the first few days but, he's started stressing out about it too because he's not able to do any of the fun things he'd normally be doing.

Sorry you job trumps his fun.

[Critterfixer]

One thing I wouldn't do is to take her places. You are working--school and activities. If she needs to go somewhere, your DH should take her. I also think that you shouldn't have to play games every night. It's possible this is bothering your DH too if he's having to sleep late to recover, but you don't have that luxury. I believe you should be able to excuse yourself in favor of going to bed. 

Could your son stay in another child's room and not on the floor of your bedroom?

[MotherGoose]

Unfortunately, fortunately, my dh is retired. So picture me trying to rush through school so she's not sitting on the couch alone while he's in the bedroom gaming, lol

NO! Not going to happen. I think you are way too nice. The wifi would just have to go out.

[MotherGoose]

There's no reason that I know of for her visit, she usually stays for only a week when she normally visit. Had I known she was not going to have an end date, I would've asked her to come at a more convenient time. Originally, we didn't even know she was in our state, DH's younger sister lives here also but, in a different part of the state. She was at her Dd's house but started feeling unwelcome because they were asking her when she was leaving, I suspect there's more to it than that. I thought about taking an early spring break but I don't want to do that because I'd still have co-op classes. I'm only homeschooling the youngest two, a high schooler and 4th grader, the older ones work and are doing college classes. Here's the thing, my mil likes to be useful but she also likes to complain, lol so she has made a meal, but she doesn't do any laundry or any of the other stuff.

Can she help with homeschool?

[MotherGoose]

What? Your dh naps and games while you homeschool and entertain his mother? I am trying hard not to judge your dh harshly here...

You are also nicer than me.

[RootAnn]

She was at her Dd's house but started feeling unwelcome because they were asking her when she was leaving, I suspect there's more to it than that.

I'd call your SIL and ask what finally gave your MIL the clue she needed to move on. It sounds like the same problem you're having with her.

 

DH is probably taking naps and doing the avoidance thing because he's just as tired of having her constantly around as you are. (My mom doesn't visit, thankfully, but my FIL does. I'm ready to tear my hair out by the time he's gone, too, if it has been a longish visit.)

 

I'd definitely find a way to split the MIL-entertaining chores and get yourself out of the house each day. Good luck!

[Kassia]

No advice, but  :grouphug: . That sounds rough. 

 

 

Same here.  I don't know what to say.  I'd be having a nervous breakdown.   :grouphug:

[Elizabeth86]

Ugh I'd die. I hate people in my house.

[Seasider]

There's no reason that I know of for her visit, she usually stays for only a week when she normally visit. Had I known she was not going to have an end date, I would've asked her to come at a more convenient time. Originally, we didn't even know she was in our state, DH's younger sister lives here also but, in a different part of the state. She was at her Dd's house but started feeling unwelcome because they were asking her when she was leaving, I suspect there's more to it than that. I thought about taking an early spring break but I don't want to do that because I'd still have co-op classes. I'm only homeschooling the youngest two, a high schooler and 4th grader, the older ones work and are doing college classes. Here's the thing, my mil likes to be useful but she also likes to complain, lol so she has made a meal, but she doesn't do any laundry or any of the other stuff.

This is so nebulous. Sounds like she's been there more than a week? There's more going on. If I were you, I'd be totally straightforward.

 

"MIL, what's up? Is everything ok in your world? Are you sick and making your farewell tour? Did you get evicted from your permanent residence? Are you lonely? There's something underlying your lack of a schedule and we need to talk about it, because the kids and I have a schedule and things are not working well like this. Talk."

[*Jessica*]

Exactly how long was she at SIL's house? It sounds like these open-ended visits are unusual for her which makes me think something must be going on.

 

Regardless, it's time for DH to get her out of your hair while you get your usual daily activities accomplished! It sounds like having her there is hard for him, too, but that does not mean he gets to abandon you to deal with her.

[JudoMom]

This is so nebulous. Sounds like she's been there more than a week? There's more going on. If I were you, I'd be totally straightforward.

 

"MIL, what's up? Is everything ok in your world? Are you sick and making your farewell tour? Did you get evicted from your permanent residence? Are you lonely? There's something underlying your lack of a schedule and we need to talk about it, because the kids and I have a schedule and things are not working well like this. Talk."

I agree. It really sounds like something's off. My first thought at the OP was that MIL was moving in but didn't know how to tell them.

 

I do hope all is actually well and she's just being weird. Open ended visits are the worst.

[Angie in VA]

I think it is time your dc start playing percussion: drums, bongos, cymbals. I would also serve a lot of beans and cabbage.

You already know that I am awful. ;)

 

I would not have lasted past 3 days. No definite departure date? Unacceptable.

[Mommyof1]

I also think something else is going on. If she isn't following her usual pattern then something is up?

 

Hubby either homeschools the kids or entertains his mother. No hiding during school hours.

[Cosmos]

He did great with this the first few days but, he's started stressing out about it too because he's not able to do any of the fun things he'd normally be doing.

 

Why can't he do his normal fun things? And why can't you?

 

I used to get majorly stressed when my inlaws came to visit. It was just like you described -- I would shortchange homeschooling, run myself ragged to keep the house clean and bountiful food cooked and provide entertainment. It was so incredibly tiring.

 

But I eventually decided to stop. We usually try to find a day or two that we can devote to guests. Dh takes the day off work, and ds would take the day off school (he can't even do that anymore because he has too many outside commitments). And we'd go to a museum or apple orchard or whatever. But the rest of the time, our lives go on like normal. I show the guests where breakfast stuff is and that they are to help themselves. Lunch is leftovers or they can make a sandwich or go out. If we want to watch tv or play video games or take a nap, we do. It's our house. We eat dinner all together, but we try to make it clear that they need to entertain themselves as the rest of us have full-time occupations. I offer the use of our car and often ask, "So what are your plans for the day?" That seems to help set the right tone.

 

We make some small changes. I stock up on food they like. Ds cancels less essential activities. We do try to find one full day to spend with them and plan something fun. But other than that, we just expect guests to be part of our household and do their own thing as we do our own thing. My FIL pretty much just sits in a chair and reads (and complains whenever anyone will listen) but that's the same thing he did before when I was working my butt off. Now I just let him do it with way less effort on my part. :lol:

 

Take heart. You will get through this. But try making some changes to make things easier on you.

[*Jessica*]

I agree. It really sounds like something's off. My first thought at the OP was that MIL was moving in but didn't know how to tell them.

 

I do hope all is actually well and she's just being weird. Open ended visits are the worst.

:scared:   Can you imagine?!?!?  That would be more than anyone could take!

[chiguirre]

Yesssss!!!! My FIL, one of my BILs and his 3yo (probably special needs because he's always in trouble at preschool) arrived for a month long stay last night. I didn't even start out at welcoming hostess. I figured it was best to start as I intend to go forward. The fridge is stocked, please help yourself. You have the car keys and a full tank in the loaner, explore. Your rooms are fully stocked, feel free to hang out there as much as you want.

 

BUT, I will not fix FIL a meal because he just complains in his passive aggressive way. I'm not taking FIL anywhere ever because he loves to make a scene and I just can't deal. I will not babysit nephew for all the tea in China. I still have a 6'1" kid who operates on a preschool level. I can't add an actual preschooler to the mix. Better to be distant from the start than have to go hide later.

 

To OP and all those dealing with long in-law visits: This too shall pass! But it's going to hurt like a kidney stone in the meantime...

[SKL]

I've had very long term house visitors who were related to my house mates.  Yes it gets old a lot sooner than they realize, LOL.

 

A couple suggestions:

 

1) Talk to your husband and ask him to get back to acting like a grown-up.

 

2) Decide what you want to do in the evening and tell people so they don't expect to be in charge.  For example, don't wait until the Rummy cards come out, but in the early hours say, "tonight I'm going to ___" or even do this days in advance.  "This week I'll only be able to play Rummy on Tuesday and Friday because I'm doing xyz on the other days."

 

3) Can you get her to help you with stuff?  For example, "today I'm going to bake xyz for dessert, do you like baking?  Come join me."

 

4) Find things to do that are away from home.  "Just discovered that the library has a book club I think I will love."  "Going to take a walk in this lovely park to enjoy the break in the weather."  "Oops, just remembered I need to buy __ for the recipe I'm cooking tomorrow.  See ya later!"

[alisoncooks]

I cannot imagine having ANYONE stay at my house longer than a weekend!   :scared:

 

 

You guys have my utmost sympathy.  Really.

I'm mostly a grin-and-bear-it type person, but some of the examples in this thread would have me flipping out. 

(Let's just say hospitality is NOT one of my spiritual gifts, LOL.)

 

[I talk to the trees]

Unfortunately, fortunately, my dh is retired. So picture me trying to rush through school so she's not sitting on the couch alone while he's in the bedroom gaming, lol

Um, no. Just no.

 

Put on a big smile, and offer to book her into a hotel of her choice (with her credit card, of course) if she would like to stay any longer. If she balks, just tell her that you *simply must* get the kids back to their regular schedule (again, very big smile). She doesn’t want them falling behind, does she? Of course not! Bye, then! Thanks so much for understanding!

[frogger]

I'm so glad my children,except the oldest, prefer to sleep on the floor so they have more room for their hobbies. Not many people stay with you long term when you have no bed for them. :)

[nixpix5]

Oh you poor sweetie, I feel your pain. Been there and done that. I literally had to tell my DH, who seemed oblivious to me being the one shafted with his family, that I was going to do my thing and he would have to oversee his parents' stay. I would resume business as usual and tell her "well, I have enjoyed our time together but this week I am so busy you will need to be on your own I'm afraid"

[mama25angels]

Oh you poor sweetie, I feel your pain. Been there and done that. I literally had to tell my DH, who seemed oblivious to me being the one shafted with his family, that I was going to do my thing and he would have to oversee his parents' stay. I would resume business as usual and tell her "well, I have enjoyed our time together but this week I am so busy you will need to be on your own I'm afraid"

This is what I'm going to have to do. She just literally asked me about going to the store for bread as I'm trying to get lunch and get my boys to a piano lesson and her son is doing NOTHING, no I didn't scream, I did politely say that we had something else to do.

Edited February 28, 2018 by mama25angels

[scrapbookbuzz]

I don't care WHO is staying at your house - it is YOUR house, YOUR rules. And basically saying, "Oh, I'm here indefinitely...", without having cleared it with you, the owner, first, is just.plain.rude. Start living YOUR life. Just say, "Love you, (mil). Glad you've been able to visit with us. Glad you have all the time in the world to do as you please. We, however, are not in that time of our lives, and have things that need to get done. We will be resuming our normal schedule on (this day). If you need to go somewhere during times when we're not available to take you or join you, you're welcome to borrow the car, if it's available."

 

Yes, it will be a difficult discussion. But it has to be had. You need to set those boundaries.

 

Or just take LOTS of field trips, bringing gran along, until you tire her out! LOL

[plansrme]

! I know that some of this frustration is stemming from the fact that it's very close to that time of the month. 

 

 

Oh, please.  You are not frustrated and angry because of PMS, so stop that right now.  You are frustrated and angry because people are taking advantage of you and are being rude--your MIL AND your husband.  Your fault in this may lie in not having higher expectations for your husband (he is holed up gaming, seriously??  is this what he does in retirement while you are teaching and cooking and cleaning up after him and his kids?  that's another thread for sure), but it is not in having hormones.

[Carol in Cal.]

This is what I'm going to have to do. She just literally asked me about going to the store for bread as I'm trying to get lunch and get my boys to a piano lesson and her son is doing NOTHING, no I didn't scream, I did politely say that we had something else to do.

 

"We have plans.  Maybe you should ask DH."