SparklyUnicorn Posted February 28, 2018 Share Posted February 28, 2018 story of my damn life... I have no advice... sorry you have to deal with that! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jyhwkmama Posted February 28, 2018 Share Posted February 28, 2018 You are being waaaaaaay too nice. You have a husband problem. Tell him to deal with this. Stop just stop doing anything for her. Read some threads on the DWIL board on Babycenter. 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Acadie Posted February 28, 2018 Share Posted February 28, 2018 Scroll down and watch the video--sounds like you are a boundary predictor, and your dh and mil are acting as boundary bumpers right now. Some people are wired to bump into other people's boundaries before they perceive where they are. That means it's up to you to say ok, dh, this isn't working for me. I need to get xyz done and also have down time, so you need to step up with your mom (and driving kids are whatever else takes something off your plate). And we both need to know when your mom plans to depart. You can have the same kind of conversation with mil. There's no need to explode because it's entirely possible to be kind to another person while you say matter-of-factly what does and doesn't work for you. They might keep on pushing and pushing the limits until they hear where your boundaries are. And it's important that you get time not only do your work, but to kick back, relax, workout, whatever. That's not the sole privilege of men, and both parties in a couple should have each other's support in getting it when kid or mil responsibilities make it a challenge. After you've been clear, perhaps multiple times, about your boundaries and if at that point they're still not responding or respecting them, then you have a different problem on your hands. But, even then, you will likely feel worlds better because you've been clear with yourself and with them about what works for you and what doesn't. http://www.wellgroundedlife.com/which-way-do-you-figure-out-boundaries-in-the-world/ Amy 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mama25angels Posted February 28, 2018 Author Share Posted February 28, 2018 story of my damn life... I have no advice... sorry you have to deal with that! So sorry! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lang Syne Boardie Posted February 28, 2018 Share Posted February 28, 2018 Oh, please. You are not frustrated and angry because of PMS, so stop that right now. You are frustrated and angry because people are taking advantage of you and are being rude--your MIL AND your husband. Your fault in this may lie in not having higher expectations for your husband (he is holed up gaming, seriously?? is this what he does in retirement while you are teaching and cooking and cleaning up after him and his kids? that's another thread for sure), but it is not in having hormones. I would not be able to control my fury if my DH retired to play video games and sleep while I homeschooled and raised the children and tended the house and took care of his mother. I do not mind working like a dog for the benefit of the family but I will not be the only one! Seriously! That unique brand of rage that women in their forties get, is being triggered in every woman reading this thread! 47 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mathnerd Posted February 28, 2018 Share Posted February 28, 2018 Can you stop entertaining her? Ask your DH to step out of his room and put his gaming device down for a few hours every day? I have ILs who visit for the "long term" every year even when I tell them that we are too busy. After putting up with them for a decade when they visited and stayed and dumped their neediness all over me, this time, I told my DH that I will not be in the house from 9-4:00 pm and it was up to him to feed them and entertain them. I took my child and drove to the library and schooled him there. My DH finally, for the first time, spent time with them instead of me being saddled with them and he took them out to lunch every single day. Only walking away changed the situation for me. So, try to do something drastic like that with your DH, then, he might take charge of entertaining your MIL. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GinaPagnato Posted February 28, 2018 Share Posted February 28, 2018 I would not be able to control my fury if my DH retired to play video games and sleep while I homeschooled and raised the children and tended the house and took care of his mother. I do not mind working like a dog for the benefit of the family but I will not be the only one! Seriously! That unique brand of rage that women in their forties get, is being triggered in every woman reading this thread! Preach. 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MotherGoose Posted February 28, 2018 Share Posted February 28, 2018 (edited) I would not be able to control my fury if my DH retired to play video games and sleep while I homeschooled and raised the children and tended the house and took care of his mother. I do not mind working like a dog for the benefit of the family but I will not be the only one! Seriously! That unique brand of rage that women in their forties get, is being triggered in every woman reading this thread! I may have pulled the plug on the wifi because my dh told me "in a minute" too many times in the middle of me wrangling all the kids to bed on my own. You know when the toddler is just an absolute crying mess and needs to go to bed NOW! And it won't take but a couple of minutes to do it so put down the $$::& phone. That took me way less aggravation than what the OP is going through. I might have removed the router and all gaming devices by now if I were her. But I'm mean like that! Edited February 28, 2018 by MotherGoose 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seasider Posted February 28, 2018 Share Posted February 28, 2018 I can't stop thinking of this. If it were me, that gaming equipment would be going the way of the leg lamp. 15 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twigs Posted February 28, 2018 Share Posted February 28, 2018 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brehon Posted February 28, 2018 Share Posted February 28, 2018 I would not be able to control my fury if my DH retired to play video games and sleep while I homeschooled and raised the children and tended the house and took care of his mother. I do not mind working like a dog for the benefit of the family but I will not be the only one! Seriously! That unique brand of rage that women in their forties get, is being triggered in every woman reading this thread! Truth. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mama25angels Posted March 1, 2018 Author Share Posted March 1, 2018 Great news! When we got home from piano, they'd been to the store already! 16 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MotherGoose Posted March 1, 2018 Share Posted March 1, 2018 Great! They have learned that mama isn't going to do all for them, so they need to figure it out. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted March 1, 2018 Share Posted March 1, 2018 :hurray: for small victories :hurray: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momacacia Posted March 1, 2018 Share Posted March 1, 2018 Sounds like you need a daily quiet time/nap like your hubby is getting. Just do it. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted March 1, 2018 Share Posted March 1, 2018 Start accidentally walking around naked. That's my best advice, lol. 17 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alicia64 Posted March 1, 2018 Share Posted March 1, 2018 Not having an end date? That isn't even in the realm of "polite." Alley 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted March 1, 2018 Share Posted March 1, 2018 Start accidentally walking around naked. That's my best advice, lol. OMGosh, there is the best story about this in one of the Yarn Harlot books. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BlsdMama Posted March 1, 2018 Share Posted March 1, 2018 Unfortunately, fortunately, my dh is retired. So picture me trying to rush through school so she's not sitting on the couch alone while he's in the bedroom gaming, lol Picture me snapping his gaming thumbs like tiny, bendy twigs. Just sayin’. 12 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Tick Posted March 1, 2018 Share Posted March 1, 2018 OMGosh, there is the best story about this in one of the Yarn Harlot books. Which one???!!! OP, I am on your side, but haven't been able to respond due to the rage Tibbie mentioned. Hang in there! Start testing other people's boundaries a bit. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fraidycat Posted March 1, 2018 Share Posted March 1, 2018 This is so nebulous. Sounds like she's been there more than a week? There's more going on. If I were you, I'd be totally straightforward. "MIL, what's up? Is everything ok in your world? Are you sick and making your farewell tour? Did you get evicted from your permanent residence? Are you lonely? There's something underlying your lack of a schedule and we need to talk about it, because the kids and I have a schedule and things are not working well like this. Talk." :iagree: It’s time for a very frank discussion and some boundary setting. Why are you here? And I need MY house back by x date - 48-72 hours after discussion takes place. As for the gaming sloth - that’d be another very frank discussion, and it might not be pretty (see rage above). 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PinkTulip Posted March 3, 2018 Share Posted March 3, 2018 (edited) Yeah, the 40-something rage is real. And OP, I feel your pain: my IL’s came to stay with DH and I for 17 days at Christmas every year for nearly 20 years, from the very beginning of our marriage. At first, I was sweet and accommodating, then moved to miffed, to put out, and then bordering on outright hatred of them. I had a total lightbulb moment about 5 years ago when posting a similar thread here and someone suggested to me: YOU decide how you want to spend your time, what you want your life to look like, and then let them know when you are available. So now, they still come every year, but they stay in a hotel, and we may have 5-6 days where we get together for a few hours to go to lunch, to a movie, or have them over for dinner. DH handles ALL communication with them and doesn’t make plans until he checks with me. Sometimes when they’re at my house and it gets to be too much, I suddenly have lots of “errands†to run, like going to the library for an hour by myself. My relationship with them has improved immensely and I actually like them again, although in small doses. You are not in charge of entertaining your MIL indefinitely. Tell your DH he needs to set an ending date (not ask when she is leaving), and tell her you need to get back to the normal routine of your lives. Hugs - you can do this! Edited March 3, 2018 by PinkTulip 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mama25angels Posted March 3, 2018 Author Share Posted March 3, 2018 Thought I'd update: believe it or not, things have been going well, after I decided that next week the kids and I would be returning to our regular schedule, I was able to relax. I do still play some rummy, I just quit when I get ready, lol. There's been more laughter instead of more time where I'm trying to get a way. I do leave and take a short break when I need to though. She has also mentioned that her plan is to leave one day next week. Thank you ladies so much for your advice! It was because of you that I stopped feeling like I was being rude in wanting a break. I hated feeling like I was being rude and you guys helped me to see that it wasn't rude. 18 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.