unromantic gifts

[Chris in VA]

A couple of things--

 

I got new cookware for Christmas two years ago. My husband says he chooses my gifts based on what I complain most about during the year...lol...

But the cookware was super-cheap, and I returned it.

The next year, he got really nice pots and I LOVE them. I appreciated that he spent more and took his time to look at recommendations. ETA--ooo, I think the second set was on Mother's Day or my birthday. No matter. 

 

As far as mindreading--

 

I think most people (I'd say "women," but really, men, too) want to be "known." They want their significant others to know their likes and dislikes and who they are, because it feels like part of loving someone is really listening to that person and being intimately acquainted with who that person truly is. So when someone gives a gift that shows he (or she, but lets go with he) DOESN'T know preferences and such, it feels like he doesn't truly love. I think it's just part of loving someone!

And it's a little unfair, really, because I am not sure we all reveal our whole selves to our spouses. Add to that--some people are mercurial, or at least change preferences over time, and what we once liked, we no longer find valuable or attractive or wanted. But we still feel our spouse should KNOW that, because we are certain we've told them. I think some people really just expect not to have to say anything, that there's some magic process that occurs just by living in the same house, but that really isn't fair. And I think some people, probably most people, want their spouse to be interested in them, and ask intimate questions (and even not so intimate) and GET to know them, because, again, being known and wanting to know someone is part of being loved and loving. Finally, I think gift giving also has to do with the way someone was raised and what they saw as the standard in their FOO, what they were taught about gratefulness, and just social skills. 

 

So, speak up about the hurt, realize not everyone understands the depth of your desire to be heard, not everyone attaches so much importance to gift giving, and not everyone can make inferences easily in relationships. AND not everyone is at the maturity level needed to disregard their own thoughts and feelings and truly try to please their spouse, even if what their spouse asks for doesn't fit their own ideas of what is "right" as far as gifts. 

 

Geez, it's complicated.   :laugh:

Edited November 29, 2017 by Chris in VA

[SparklyUnicorn]

A couple of things--

 

I got new cookware for Christmas two years ago. My husband says he chooses my gifts based on what I complain most about during the year...lol...

But the cookware was super-cheap, and I returned it.

The next year, he got really nice pots and I LOVE them. I appreciated that he spent more and took his time to look at recommendations. ETA--ooo, I think the second set was on Mother's Day or my birthday. No matter. 

 

As far as mindreading--

 

I think most people (I'd say "women," but really, men, too) want to be "known." They want their significant others to know their likes and dislikes and who they are, because it feels like part of loving someone is really listening to that person and being intimately acquainted with who that person truly is. So when someone gives a gift that shows he (or she, but lets go with he) DOESN'T know preferences and such, it feels like he doesn't truly love. I think it's just part of loving someone!

And it's a little unfair, really, because I am not sure we all reveal our whole selves to our spouses. Add to that--some people are mercurial, or at least change preferences over time, and what we once liked, we no longer find valuable or attractive or wanted. But we still feel our spouse should KNOW that, because we are certain we've told them. I think some people really just expect not to have to say anything, that there's some magic process that occurs just by living in the same house, but that really isn't fair. And I think some people, probably most people, want their spouse to be interested in them, and ask intimate questions (and even not so intimate) and GET to know them, because, again, being known and wanting to know someone is part of being loved and loving. Finally, I think gift giving also has to do with the way someone was raised and what they saw as the standard in their FOO, what they were taught about gratefulness, and just social skills. 

 

So, speak up about the hurt, realize not everyone understands the depth of your desire to be heard, not everyone attaches so much importance to gift giving, and not everyone can make inferences easily in relationships. AND not everyone is at the maturity level needed to disregard their own thoughts and feelings and truly try to please their spouse, even if what their spouse asks for doesn't fit their own ideas of what is "right" as far as gifts. 

 

Geez, it's complicated.   :laugh:

 

I agree.  And really what is most important (to me anyway) is that the person is decent towards me most of the time..  Not that they are awesome gift givers.  My MIL is an awesome gift giver, but I think mostly she is a jerk to me.  LOL 

 

 

 

[Elizabeth86]

The funny thing is--I would love the pots and pans. I am very practical. LOL. Sweet and romantic is not very me.

This is me exactly. I die a little when people spend money on something I don't need.

[MissShellyA]

My DH and I have a rule about balancing out practical gifts with thoughtful/romantic ones. I would talk to him about it. He should have already picked up on this by now, but I think communicating your feelings in important. He'll never learn or change if you don't try to make him see things your way.

[Element]

I had to tell dh I'd truly rather have nothing than have something he bought at Walmart after wandering around 3 hours Christmas Eve trying to find something for me. Several years ago, this was the case. He gave me a fitted sheet and a LOTR DVD. I like LOTR (the books) but I don't really re-watch movies so I have no need for DVDs. I still don't understand the fitted sheet. I would have rather had that time with him. I'm a bit of a minimalist, anyway, so I really am quite happy with receiving nothing. Thank goodness he listened to me. Now he gives me gifts sporadically when he knows there is something I'd like to have. This could be a household item (I'd love a good steam mop!) or a pointless item (fancy soap! I never buy myself fancy soap.) Some years, he gets me nothing for the holidays and I am also happy with that! 

[Crimson Wife]

Thanks for your replies.  I'm really not a typical "romantic" gift kind of person either.  What I would consider romantic is if he actually listened to my requests!  No, I don't expect him to read my mind, but I do expect him to pick up on the fact that I've asked him about five times if he might be able to fix the broken steps.  I've also mentioned several times that I would love horse manure for the garden. To me that would be the ultimate romantic gift. Listening, and then investing time into something that I've asked for.  I can tell him exactly what I want and even make a list, but he'll go ahead and get something else anyway.  Sigh.  I think he means it to be thoughtful, but it isn't.  And, I'm lousy at gift-giving so I really shouldn't complain, but I usually ask people directly to tell me EXACTLY what they want!  

 

In this situation, I would give my DH a deadline as to when the steps had to be fixed, either by him or by an outside handyman.

 

[regentrude]

Oh, I am all for practical gifts. I don't do "romantic", and my DH is not that type either.

The best gift he has ever given me was an self-inflating sleeping pad for the tent. But that's a really personal gift because *I* am sleeping on it. 

Edited November 29, 2017 by regentrude

[HS Mom in NC]

 

As far as mindreading--

 

I think most people (I'd say "women," but really, men, too) want to be "known." They want their significant others to know their likes and dislikes and who they are, because it feels like part of loving someone is really listening to that person and being intimately acquainted with who that person truly is. So when someone gives a gift that shows he (or she, but lets go with he) DOESN'T know preferences and such, it feels like he doesn't truly love. I think it's just part of loving someone!

 

Equating what item(s) I want for a particular gift giving event with being intimately known by a spouse is over doing it.  This is what sets people up for disappointment-taking it to such an extreme. I blame women's magazines, rom-coms, advertising, post-WWII consumerism, and romance novels for feeding this problem.  It's just stuff, people; it isn't symbolic of the relationship.

 

 

[foxbridgeacademy]

I agree with others, you need to tell him what you want or at least what you don't want.  My Dh knows that I would hate perfume/flowers/jewelry.  

[catz]

I find that expecting men to be mind readers does not work particularly well, but telling them directly is quite effective.

 

:iagree:   Set up an Amazon gift list and tell him straight up what you want.  Works over here.  My husband sometimes does romantic and thoughtful but being clear is a good idea.  Gift giving is not everyone's love language if he is thoughtful and warm in other ways. 

 

Edited November 29, 2017 by WoolySocks

[Carol in Cal.]

All Clad Essential pan for me this Christmas.  Again - practical, which I like.  I have one All Clad pot which I love.  My current set of pots and pans is going downhill and are getting annoying so anything to make my life less annoying wins.

I was just coming here to suggest this pan rather than the sauté one.

I have been recommending those essential pans CONSTANTLY.  They are the most useful ones I own.  I have them in both sizes, and I use them all the time.  If All Clad had come out with them earlier, I would have far fewer other pans, because these just about do it all.

[ErinE]

But for some people, “knowing†means a super specific thing that a person wouldn’t remember unless they too liked that thing and had a good memory. I think it really comes down to acknowledging a SOs strengths and weaknesses and accommodating them. I will never be a good gift giver unless the recipient is a child - then I’m amazing. But for adults, I have a really tough time and I loathe spending hours shopping for presents. I’d rather spend time doing things with my relatives than buying things for my relatives, especially since almost all can and do buy things for themselves.

[JustEm]

:iagree: Set up an Amazon gift list and tell him straight up what you want. Works over here. My husband sometimes does romantic and thoughtful but being clear is a good idea. Gift giving is not everyone's love language if he is thoughtful and warm in other ways.

 

This made me chuckle because the first year dh really tried to listen throughout the months leading up to Christmas and get me things I really wanted he succeeded. Unfortunately for him I put those things on my Amazon wish list and his parents got them for me as well. You should have seen his face as a opened one thing after another from his dad that were also waiting for me under our tree.

 

Now I remind him every year to make sure his parents haven't swooped up his gift idea. Apparently, this year one of them did. Luckily it was before he purchased the item.

[importswim]

My DH always gets slammed at work when he tells people that he's buying me a new crockpot, vacuum, or kitchen appliance. He just smiles and nods, that man knows what I like! HA HA HA! I really enjoy cooking and on my list this year is an immersion blender and a tofu press. I hope he gets them for me.

 

That being said, this is not YOUR thing so you should tell him and ask if you can return it (if you don't have the money for both gifts - we wouldn't) or if you can have them as replacements and not your "gift". 

[mom@shiloh]

I'm seriously going to use this story as a lesson to my sons for when they get married: never, ever assume that you know what your wife wants for Christmas! Remember the horse poo lady? All she wanted for Christmas was romantic horse poo, but her dh gave her pots and pans.

 

OP--I'm not making cruel fun of you, but I honestly never saw the poo coming as the romantic gift you were hoping for. I burst into delighted laughter when I read that you wanted some for your garden. This was an awesome thread to wake up to today. I love it!

It's ok.  It makes me laugh too!  I guess my point is that I don't mind getting useful, practical things; in fact, I prefer it, but I'd like it if he listened to which useful practical things I'm asking for.  Also, I hate clutter!  If I get new pots and pans, what am I going to do with my old ones?  Some of them I really like and want to keep, but I don't want extra stuff cluttering up my kitchen.  He doesn't catch on to that either. :(

[importswim]

Equating what item(s) I want for a particular gift giving event with being intimately known by a spouse is over doing it.  This is what sets people up for disappointment-taking it to such an extreme. I blame women's magazines, rom-coms, advertising, post-WWII consumerism, and romance novels for feeding this problem.  It's just stuff, people; it isn't symbolic of the relationship.

 

 

Or maybe that person's love language is gifts?

 

I'd rather not get a gift at all than get a gift that the giver hadn't put any thought into. Actually, my highest love language is quality time so if someone would come hang with me that would be the best in my eyes (no gift). Gifts is second for me, in a non money-grubby way. If someone gives me a gift that shows thought and that they understand me it helps me to feel loved. It has nothing to do with consumerism/rom coms/advertising.

 

I totally get that you may not understand that, however, if gifts isn't one of your love languages!

[HS Mom in NC]

 I’d rather spend time doing things with my relatives than buying things for my relatives, especially since almost all can and do buy things for themselves.

 

Yes!  Life is doing.  I'd rather relate in person with someone than spending time picking out an inanimate object that symbolizes my interpretation of a relationship.  

 

[HS Mom in NC]

Or maybe that person's love language is gifts?

 

I'd rather not get a gift at all than get a gift that the giver hadn't put any thought into. Actually, my highest love language is quality time so if someone would come hang with me that would be the best in my eyes (no gift). Gifts is second for me, in a non money-grubby way. If someone gives me a gift that shows thought and that they understand me it helps me to feel loved. It has nothing to do with consumerism/rom coms/advertising.

 

I totally get that you may not understand that, however, if gifts isn't one of your love languages!

 

You're assuming here that everyone buys into Love Language theory.  I don't. I don't buy into Birth Order theory either.

 

[importswim]

You're assuming here that everyone buys into Love Language theory.  I don't. I don't buy into Birth Order theory either.

 

Okay.  :001_smile:

 

However, even if you don't buy into the theory you can't blame my feelings on romantic novels (I don't read them), consumerism (I'm more of a minimalist), or any of the other things that you've blamed them on in your post. So, where do my feelings come from?

 

ETA: I think that you are making big generalizations here just because it's not something that you personally feel. 

Edited November 30, 2017 by importswim

[OrganicJen]

Why don't you get him a pretty bracelet? If he hates it, you can trade him. HAHA

Haha...love it!!

[eternalsummer]

I also did not see horse@#$& coming as the desired romantic gift.

 

I would not be upset by nice pots and pans, nor by jewelry, but a gift of manure would probably just about ruin my Christmas.  I can see how he is hesitant to give that as a Christmas gift, even if you've been asking for it.  :)

[marbel]

What people consider good and bad gifts is so personal and can be inconsistent.

 

I like good pots and pans and other cooking-related items. My husband gave me the all-clad essential pan for my last birthday. I didn't want him to spend the $$ but I love that pan. The best gift he has ever given me is my Le Creuset Dutch Oven. One year I asked for a flan pan and didn't get it. My son later said he thought it would be a bad gift since he would be a major benefactor (he loves flan) and it felt wrong to him. I assured him that it would make a fine gift for me. Maybe I'll get the pan this year.  :-)

 

But, even though I like planting things and know the value of manure, I wouldn't consider it to be a good gift.  One year near Christmas I noted that our electric toothbrushes were not recharging well.  He said maybe a new set should be a family gift for Christmas.  I said no, better to give me a $5 gift and just buy the toothbrush set as a need.  That would not be a gift to me.  But a person might assume I'd be happy with it, since I'm happy with cooking gear (also a necessity) as gifts. 

 

So really it can be hard to know what is a good gift, even for someone you know well.  I like to give and get guidance (not necessarily a list) and also give and get grace when a gift doesn't really work out.

 

 

[DesertBlossom]

Just reading this thread is stressing me out. Gifts are not my love language. I don't know how to speak it or receive it. I am STILL fretting about gifts given in years past, wondering about the appropriateness of the gifts and if the receivers liked them. And I'm still fretting about gifts given to me. Is MIL going to notice I've NEVER worn the birthstone necklace she gave me years ago (because I've never liked my birthstone color) and will she ask if I've started the "how to write your life history" thing she gave me last year. So. much. overthinking.

 

My personality is that if I want something, I research the heck out of it, find the best price and get it for myself. Money spent on things I don't want stresses me out.  A couple years ago I found out DH ordered me a waffle maker for my birthday and I promptly cancelled the order. Rude of me, maybe. But I had just acquired my mom's old, perfectly usable waffle maker and I didn't want money spent on another.

 

Recently DH and I have started buying tickets to shows for special occasions and I like that so much better. I'd go watch just about anything if it meant a date night alone with DH, and it's always nice to get out. Honestly, I'd be over the moon if he arranged a babysitter and we just went to some romantic spot and made out in the car. My love language is definitely time spent together and probably service. When DH does projects for me, it makes my day.

 

 

[katilac]

OP, I am over here amusing myself with the idea that the cookware is not intended for you in the first place  :lol:

 

 

[Arcadia]

OP, I am over here amusing myself with the idea that the cookware is not intended for you in the first place :lol:

The cookware is for OP’s husband so that he can help her with the cooking (just kidding but it is possible as some of my cousins can cook better than their wives)

[mom@shiloh]

Ok, so I don't really want horse manure for Christmas.  It's just illustrating my point that I'd rather  have him listen to me and get horse manure, which is time and labor intensive, but cheap, and which I've asked for; rather than something I've expressed no interest in and don't feel like I need.  

 

Maybe it is a love language thing.  I just want him to listen.

Edited December 1, 2017 by mom@shiloh

[hornblower]

I think he should go all out and buy you a horse. 

[MFG]

I think he should go all out and buy you a horse.

“I know there has to be a pony in here somewhere!â€

[scrapbookbuzz]

Why don't you get him a pretty bracelet?  If he hates it, you can trade him.  HAHA

 

:lol:

[Lizzie in Ma]

ah yes, the unromantic gifts...

you mean like the lovely set of cast iron pans my dh bought a few years ago that I can't even lift? ;)

[school17777]

And thanks for this. I am in dire need of a new set and was waffling on what to buy.

 

Sorry, OP, for derailing your thread. I hope you get your poo for Christmas.

That’s what I am asking for Xmas. Just to let you know, they are on sale and an extra 20% off at Williams Sonoma right now.

 

Actually 25% off now through the 12th.

Edited December 2, 2017 by school17777

[alisoncooks]

My DH isn't not much of a gift giver. And since I already bought all my own Christmas gifts this year (apparently, I was a very good girl ;)), I sent DH a text telling him I would love a leaf blower for Mother's Day.

 

(And that is -- most emphatically -- not a euphemism for anything. I've just spent the last 3 days raking mountains of leaves by myself myself...I have the blisters to prove it.)

[Denise in Florida]

I made it clear to my DH early on that household appliances and kitchen tools are household contributions and can be valuable as such - but I do not consider them personal gifts.

Tell your DH that it's great he bought new pans for your household, and tell them you what you want for Christmas.

I find that expecting men to be mind readers does not work particularly well, but telling them directly is quite effective.

 

 

:lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:

 

I love kitchen stuff for Christmas, as long as it is high end.  I tend to buy the low price option when I buy stuff for myself so when dh gets super nice cutting boards, or saute pans for me I really love them. I cook every day so nice cookware makes me happy. I could care less about perfume, jewelry, etc. 

 

I had to finally tell one of his aunts to stop correcting him when he bought nice houseware for me.  :lol:  :lol:

[Garga]

Ok, so I don't really want horse manure for Christmas. It's just illustrating my point that I'd rather have him listen to me and get horse manure, which is time and labor intensive, but cheap, and which I've asked for; rather than something I've expressed no interest in and don't feel like I need.

 

Maybe it is a love language thing. I just want him to listen.

Did I miss it, or did you tell us what you decided to do? Are you going to tell him to return the pots and pans?

[KungFuPanda]

Casually mention how someone on the boards got a washing machine for her birthday and how horribly unromantic you think that is. Be all “I’ll bet her husband wouldn’t want a stapler for Christmas! Why would anyone give ANYONE the gift of more work they hate?â€

 

Then just sit back and be surprised by what he buys when he exchanges your gift. You get something you prefer AND you spare him the bad feelings. It’s called diplomacy.

[sassenach]

So, in the process of shopping on-line for Christmas gifts, I stumbled upon the fact that my dh just bought me a set of pots and pans, which I'm assuming he plans to give me for Christmas. He probably thinks this is a thoughtful gift since I spend so much time cooking for sooooo many people, but I have mentioned on several occasions that I really don't LIKE to cook. In addition, he's kind of in the doghouse with me anyway about something else, which he knows was his fault and a stupid thing to do. In my mind, I'm thinking this would be a good time to get me something sweet and romantic. Actually, I'd be fine with no gift at all and I would prefer NO gift to a gift that I don't really want.

 

We've been married many years -- we have grandkids -- so I feel as if he should have figured this out by now. It's not the first time something like this has happened. What should I do? Should I tell him, or just accept the gift graciously and remember that it's the thought that counts?

No advice, but I almost asked for new pots and pans this year. It’s not so much that I love cooking, but that I have to look at my decomposing ones every day. I’ve also asked for new knives and a Dutch oven. I guess I’m just super practical.

 

Romantic gifts make me uncomfortable. Jewelry would be wasted on me.

[Cindy in FL.]

This summer my dh wanted to get me a new stove for a combination anniversary and birthday gift. I declined and told him I wanted a family trip instead. We really needed to get away at the time. We had a great four night trip to Savannah.

[kitten18]

I had to tell dh I'd truly rather have nothing than have something he bought at Walmart after wandering around 3 hours Christmas Eve trying to find something for me. Several years ago, this was the case. He gave me a fitted sheet and a LOTR DVD. I like LOTR (the books) but I don't really re-watch movies so I have no need for DVDs. I still don't understand the fitted sheet. I would have rather had that time with him. I'm a bit of a minimalist, anyway, so I really am quite happy with receiving nothing. Thank goodness he listened to me. Now he gives me gifts sporadically when he knows there is something I'd like to have. This could be a household item (I'd love a good steam mop!) or a pointless item (fancy soap! I never buy myself fancy soap.) Some years, he gets me nothing for the holidays and I am also happy with that!

😂 I'm going to remember this when I open my presents this year. A fitted sheet? 😂

[AFwife Claire]

I was thinking about this thread last night!  Dh and I were picking up one of our daughters from a friend's birthday party, and we were all standing around in the kitchen with the hosting family.  I noticed this nice looking big dish drying rack next to her sink and commented on how it looked so much nicer than our really old, white plastic one that is stained from years of use.  The other mom demonstrated how it could pull out to be even bigger  :ohmy:  and said she had just gotten it at Costco. I turned to my dh and said, "That is what I want for Christmas!  It will make my life easier, and it is perfect!"  So this afternoon, after a boys' basketball game, guess where he is headed?   :hurray:  Hooray for Costco and practical gifts!   :lol:

[MFG]

I’ll just put out there that I will take all the jewelry, perfume, and flowers everyone else doesn’t want. I’m helpful like that. 😉

[Cindy in FL.]

Two years ago dh went to WalMart after dinner on Christmas Eve and filled my stocking with: plastic clothes pins, an electronic Duck Dynasty duck call, a camping (?) towel in a little tube, and a box of things that you throw in a fire and they change the color of the flames. Yay!

[theelfqueen]

How about the year DH got me some kind of scented bath things... because someone at his work was selling gift baskets . .. yeah, except he knows that perfumes of all kinds are a migraine trigger. Sometimes the thought isn't enough. A basket of misery is not a gift lol when someone else gives me something like that I don't even bring it home.

 

Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk

[Sandwalker]

Two years ago dh went to WalMart after dinner on Christmas Eve and filled my stocking with: plastic clothes pins, an electronic Duck Dynasty duck call, a camping (?) towel in a little tube, and a box of things that you throw in a fire and they change the color of the flames. Yay!

[emoji23]

[Zebra]

My DH and I are enjoying this thread, because it's making him look like the Prince Charming of gift giving.

[Jaybee]

Those fire color changing things sound kinda fun... :leaving:

[Garga]

I’ll just put out there that I will take all the jewelry, perfume, and flowers everyone else doesn’t want. I’m helpful like that. 😉

 

 

Can I take some of the perfume?  I know a lot of people on this board and IRL who hate perfume, but I love the stuff.  I can't afford it, but I love it!

[Kareni]

I’ll just put out there that I will take all the jewelry, perfume, and flowers everyone else doesn’t want. I’m helpful like that. 😉

 

and you can send any unwanted chocolate my way ....

 

Regards,

Kareni

[Ravin]

So...thanks to this thread, I have just outright asked GF what she wants this year. DH was easy, he posted something on FB about selling a kidney to go to an upcoming opera...I got tickets. I trolled GF's FB but no ideas, so I posted to ask her, and tagged her sons and DH as well.