one income families and nightly family dinner

[LMD]

Dh works rotating shifts. When he does morning shift, we eat dinner together. When we works afternoon shift, he's gone until late. When he works nights we eat together. So 2/3. But we don't make it a big thing, we don't actually have a dining room at the moment anyway...

[creekland]

We eat/ate a family dinner every night, though often while watching a TV show we had taped or many times eating out together.

 

To do this we varied dinner time.  Pending the night, hubby could have had a township meeting or been meeting with a client causing us to eat early, or the kids could have had soccer or similar things causing us to eat late (or early - pending event).  Dinner could range from 3:30 or 4pm to 10 - 10:30pm as needed.  We enjoy eating together, so it was worth it to adjust timing as needed for the night rather than eat separately.  (Our kids didn't have a bedtime.  When they were very young, they didn't have activities causing us to have to eat so late.)

[Guest]

When my husband isn't traveling, he's home for dinner every night. My husband often goes into work at 6:00 in the morning so he can be home earlier in the evening. If he needs to work at night he still comes home for supper then either works from home or goes back to the office after the kids are in bed.

 

He travels a lot though, he will be home all this week and was gone only one night last week and it felt like he was around a lot. When he's gone the rest of us still eat our meals together.

Yeah. My husband has been getting up at 3:30 and starting work at 4 (to hit east coast time while we are working remotely) and up here we were consistently starting work at 6 am too, so he could be done by 4:00. It worked SO much better for us!

[AnnE-girl]

DH very rarely misses dinner with all of us. His office is very family friendly. He's more likely to bring work home to finish after the kids are in bed than to stay much past 5:30 at the office. He has a few evening meetings each month, but he's able to come home for dinner, then go back for his meeting. It helps that his commute is only 20 minutes.

[Plagefille]

This is why we moved and my DH changed jobs a few years ago. He used to never be home for anything. Now he works 5 minutes away and is usually home for lunch and dinner. Huge difference in how I feel too.

[JustEm]

I voted never because dh works nights and gets home after 9. But he is home for breakfast every morning and usually lunch. We always eat breakfast at the table as a family

[cjzimmer1]

It's pretty rare for DH to not be home for supper but at the same time it's very common for him to put in a few more hours of work after supper.  But he is in IT so it's very easy for him to continue his work day at home.  Not every job is quite so portable.

[Guest]

We gave up on family dinners. DH works long hours, kids have dance and other activities, it just became impossible. Oh well.

[EMS83]

This is a source of stress in my family as I greatly value family dinners with at the table and everyone eating and visiting together.  It almost never happens as my husband works very long hours.  He feels this is really common now(even unavoidable) especially for one income families.  I am just curious what is true for all of you.

 

I also realize that kids activities often interrupt the dinner hour so this isn't really about whether or not you actually have dinner together but whether the full time working spouse is home often enough that dinner together would even be a possibility.

 

Just replying to OP, here.  DH has had work schedules all over the map.  12 hours days, 6-day weeks, no days, lol.  Now he is home around 4:30 or so, and doesn't work too many Saturday.  No evening activities here, save maybe four evenings each month for grandparent stuff.  So, yes, we eat here nearly every night.  No, DH does not eat with us, even though he's home.  I do value the whole family having a meal together, but it's not something I'm willing to fight over, plus I'd rather it be a genuine desire.  It's a two-way street, too; he doesn't get everything the way he'd like, either.  Our options are to be miserable or to be ok.  We choose to be ok.   :)

[mom2scouts]

My dh works from home, so he's usually able to eat at least one meal with us every day. Sometimes he has meetings that keep him out of the house or he has extracurricular/volunteer activities that interfere with dinner.

[edelweiss]

We are very fortunate that DH works from home so he is almost always here for dinner.

 

 

 

We are too. DH works from home, so he is here for dinner every night unless he is traveling.

 

 

DH is home every night for dinner. He used to be home by six, but we now live closer to his office, so he is home between 5:15 and 5:30.

 

But DD15 is not. She is at ballet all five week nights, as well as on Saturdays. So we don't have everyone at the table at the same time.

 

I place a high value on family dinner time, as well.

 

I think whether or not someone is home for dinner depends upon the hours required at the job, as well as the commute time. If someone can be at home for dinner but doesn't think it's important and so does not get home in time, it is different than if the person cannot logistically be at home for dinner.

DD14 is at ballet 5 nights a week (plus Saturday) as well. She never gets to have dinner with us on weeknights!

[SKL]

I do think long hours are common, but usually long hours are also flexible as to when and where they are done.  So I am not sure it's inevitable that the wage earner works through dinner.

 

I'm the single earner and the single parent here, and I will admit to working through some meals.  It's partly because I am not as disciplined as I could be, and partly the nature of the business.  Most of the time, though, I'm able to eat with my kids.  I may work until 2am after tucking them into bed though ... and get up at 5am to send some reports out ....

[prairiewindmomma]

Dh regularly works 60-70h a week. 80 isn't unheard of. We strive to have family dinner when he is in town, but often it is at 8pm (like tonight) or we hold a plate for him and check in when he gets in if the kids are still awake.

 

I agree with the pp about the importance of supporting a spouse who is working hard.

[SorrelZG]

I need to eat earlier but the children eat with DH when he gets home from work. That's only three nights per five day work week because he does some of the grocery shopping on his way home one night and is therefore later than usual (in which case he typically has already eaten at work), and on another night he takes a child out on a dinner date.

[busymama7]

I do think long hours are common, but usually long hours are also flexible as to when and where they are done. So I am not sure it's inevitable that the wage earner works through dinner.

 

I'm the single earner and the single parent here, and I will admit to working through some meals. It's partly because I am not as disciplined as I could be, and partly the nature of the business. Most of the time, though, I'm able to eat with my kids. I may work until 2am after tucking them into bed though ... and get up at 5am to send some reports out ....

I think this is why it bothers me so much. He is usually home 30 min to an hour after we eat at the most and then he works later after he eats anyways. So why can't he just shift that a little bit? We are usually not even cleaned up. We can't really delay most nights as kids have places to be but even if we could he never knows when he will be home. but it feels like he could make it a priority and doesn't. But I really don't want to complain. I really wanted to see if it was most people's experience that it's just not reality to be home for dinner.

[kitten18]

We never eat dinner together during the week.

 

Dh is usually home between 6-7, but the kids and I are out of the house for activities between 4:30-8:30 (3 days/wk for ds, and M-F and Saturday mornings for dd).

This isn't going to change, dd will have ballet M-F until she graduates from high school.

 

We eat together on the weekends.

[rdj2027]

I voted never because hubby is never home during "normal" dinner time.  We eat dinner rather late so we can eat together (between 8 and 9).

[SKL]

I think this is why it bothers me so much. He is usually home 30 min to an hour after we eat at the most and then he works later after he eats anyways. So why can't he just shift that a little bit? We are usually not even cleaned up. We can't really delay most nights as kids have places to be but even if we could he never knows when he will be home. but it feels like he could make it a priority and doesn't. But I really don't want to complain. I really wanted to see if it was most people's experience that it's just not reality to be home for dinner.

 

Maybe he's waiting for the boss to walk out the door or something?  Maybe some of the best "face time" is at that time of the day?  Can you ask him what it is about that particular time when he feels it's OK to leave the office?

 

If it's legitimately important for him to be at work at that time, and eating together is important, you may want to make changes in your evening schedule so you can eat a little later.  Maybe schedule a class for before dinner instead of after.  Maybe shoot for 2-3 dinners together and call it good.  :)

 

Most of my clients are on a different time zone than I am, so I am reluctant to leave work before COB in their time zone (6pm here), though I will do it for a good enough reason.  We usually don't eat dinner until closer to 7pm and often later than that.

[FaithManor]

Dh rarely makes it M - F. He cooks on Sat and Sun evenings, and we sit down for a nice leisurely meal together.

 

That said with two college boys and a hugh schooler with an active schedule, everyone being around the table at once during the school year is hard to pull off.

[Night Elf]

My DH has a traditional 8am to 5pm job. Presently, he and his team rotate a late shift and he works 12noon to 9pm every sixth week. I hate him not being home for dinner.

[Arctic Bunny]

I didn't know how to answer the poll.... he leaves for work at 6pm on two out of every eight days. So we have 6-8 out of eight suppers together, usually.

[EmseB]

I said five days but that's because we eat when DH gets home. I would prefer to eat before 6:30 or seven, and that's really the latest I will "hold" dinner, but in general family dinner is just what we do even if it means eating later than "normal". And if it's sports night for the kids we don't eat until after practice anyway.

 

It helps that he has an hour commute so he can call when he leaves work and I can start cooking then. And my kids are good sleepers who don't have too much trouble with a slightly later-ish bedtime.

[Beebug123]

I wasn't really sure how to answer the poll, so I will just post my reply instead. DH has always worked long hours, even before kids and we never really had the traditional family dinner time. I hated being home so long in the evenings by myself so I had the kids in activities so we had things to do. 2 years ago we moved really rural and we are often away from home most of the day until late at night so we can't always pack all of the meals to take with us. We started just eating dinner at 9pm after everyone was home. Getting an instant pot this past winter was a life changer lol.

[frogger]

We used to try to eat a family meal every night but kids activities got in the way. I used to not allow it but this particular activity is not only their main p.e. but a great community to be a part of and where they have found friends and other adult mentors so after weighing the costs we gave it up.

 

As far as work getting in the way it is on and off. DH has at times worked through the night, had to travel, and at one point finished school while working with four kids. We role with it and do what we can. For us that means family camping or biking trips and at this time in our lives I'm trying very hard to make Sunday afternoons family time including meals, board games, or the latest favorite capture the flag. I knew I had a larger family for something. ;)

[frogger]

Oh, and I didn't answer because at different stages of life my answer would be radically different.

[Zinnia]

My dh travels every other week. When he is in town, he usually leaves at 6am, home around 6 or 7. We usually wait for him to eat.

[AK_Mom4]

This will totally depend on the type of job for the wage earner. DH was almost always home for dinner - which was good because he is the primary cook. But he leaves the house about 6:15am for work so that he can be back home by 4:30.

 

If the job requires longer hours or the wage earner gets off later, then they would probably not be there for dinner every night.

[HSmomof2]

Dh is usually home for dinner, but I work 3 evenings per week. So, we only eat as a family 2 nights/week. I don't like it, but it is what it is for now.

[Moonhawk]

DH works from home full time now, so every night. Sometimes he goes back into the office after dinner though (1-2 nights a week?)

 

Prior to this schedule, he was still here at least 3 out of 5, and one of those is a full-on family night, where we eat pizza and watch something with dinner, then a game if movie is short.

 

I miss the nights he was gone so I could just throw Cheerios at the kids, lol. j/k kinda not really...

[Cinder]

I voted 3 days per week but that includes the weekend. Dh travels a lot for work but is usually home on weekends.

[myfunnybunch]

I couldn't vote. My husband is the breadwinner but he works at home, so he's always here. He even prepares dinner 2-3 nights a week.

 

Our schedule restrictions are the kids' activities. Now that they're middle and high school, they're often out until 8. We decided that family dinner is pretty important to us so we eat late. Other families we know in the same boat eat separately but spend time together in other ways.

 

I believe that meal sharing is important. I believe that family time is important, and that family routines provide a rhythm to the flow of family life. And I even more believe that carving out that time is so dependent on family structure, priorities, schedules, preferences that there's got to be some flex, whatever that looks like. It might look like Sunday pancake breakfast (my dear friends do this) once a week, or family games in the evening instead of a family meal, or Friday movie and pizza. :) The "right" way to do family time is the way that works for your family.

[busymama7]

Maybe he's waiting for the boss to walk out the door or something?  Maybe some of the best "face time" is at that time of the day?  Can you ask him what it is about that particular time when he feels it's OK to leave the office?

 

If it's legitimately important for him to be at work at that time, and eating together is important, you may want to make changes in your evening schedule so you can eat a little later.  Maybe schedule a class for before dinner instead of after.  Maybe shoot for 2-3 dinners together and call it good.  :)

 

Most of my clients are on a different time zone than I am, so I am reluctant to leave work before COB in their time zone (6pm here), though I will do it for a good enough reason.  We usually don't eat dinner until closer to 7pm and often later than that.

before he went self employed a year ago, not leaving before the boss was just the way it was and we lived with it even though i hated it.  he is working crazy hard to build a business.  It is 9:10 here and he isn't home yet.  He left at 6:45 am.  He's all over the place with this, sometimes working at home and sometimes gone for 15 hrs or occasionally more.   it just makes me really sad and I just get lonely.  Adult kids help with that somewhat but I just feel like I'm doing this parenting thing all alone.  I know he needs to work but I just wish we could have a meal together to anchor our day.  I do sit and eat with the kids but it always feels like its not complete without dad.   We've attempted breakfast as the meal but the mornings are just as unpredictable.  

[rebbyribs]

He has been working from home most of the time lately, but sometimes he is still working in the evenings and does not want to interrupt his productivity to come downstairs for dinner with us.  I'd say we eat as a family 3/5 weeknights and most weekend nights.

[Sneezyone]

When DH is in town, he eats dinner with us almost every night. The exceptions being once or twice a month when he has a work function to attend.

[Arcadia]

before he went self employed a year ago, not leaving before the boss was just the way it was and we lived with it even though i hated it. he is working crazy hard to build a business.

My husband was self employed for two years before we were engaged. We met at college. The building a business stage was tough and he was working long irregular hours as well as flying to other nearby countries for short (a few days) projects. I was earning a rather good pay in tech at that time and he had a decent sum saved so it wasn't an issue. In that two years he didn't make any money but he didn't lose any either. So the net gain in self employment for him was a few dollars and the experience.

 

I have girlfriends who are self employed but their husbands are in high paying jobs. So the burden of being the breadwinner is not on them.

 

Once your husband business is established, hopefully you would get to have dinner together.

 

My previous bosses (mostly male) had all been in charge of fetching their kids from daycare so I always get to go home to eat or meet my friends for dinner.

[foxbridgeacademy]

Never but DH works the 12 hour night shift so when he gets up I'm either just finished making dinner (so he can take it for lunch) or still cooking.  I've adjusted and it's normal for us now.

[OlgaLA]

Practically always, but it is very late. Normal for us is anywhere from 8:30 t0 9:30pm.  Lately, it is also because the kids and I have sport practice till 8-9pm  4 times a week, so we all get home at about the same time. 

[rebcoola]

Our schedule is so changeable their really is not an answer and honestly family dinner has never been high priority.  We spend a ton of time together and that is the important thing.  

[Bluegoat]

My dh is almost always home unless he is traveling, which isn't much lately.

 

When the kids were younger, he was home only about 50% of the time, by which I mean he was living elsewhere at that time.

 

I think its great to have family dinners, but not a great problem if one spouse can't always make them.  It's still valuable to have them with everyone else and take advantage of times when everyone is there. 

 

I do think that it is better, from an employee management perspective, to try and make sure people behave time for family life.  Sometimes the nature of the job means something like dinners is impossible.  But other times, it's just bad management by employers.  I think that's much more frustrating.

 

[kiwik]

Eta - I grew up eating every dinner together as a family and hate that we don't eat meals together.

So did I and I feel guilty we don't but then my memories of family dinners are fairly blah. I don't think they were great enough to stress about.

[Beaniemom]

Dh goes into work around 6. He likes the quiet and gets a lot done. This way he is typically home for dinner. We eat shortly after he gets home most days (we are very early to bed, early to rise by nature). My kids are young yet with my eldest being 10 so I anticipate even quick dinners before or after activities will become increasingly more difficult.

[Monica_in_Switzerland]

Dh only misses dinner about 3x a year or so.  We are very lucky in that.  

 

I think if we couldn't arrange to have a family dinner, I'd shift sleep schedules enough to allow family breakfasts, because it would just be really tough to not have that together time.  

[SparklyUnicorn]

every night

 

 

[SparklyUnicorn]

So did I and I feel guilty we don't but then my memories of family dinners are fairly blah. I don't think they were great enough to stress about.

 

Yeah actually I don't have fond memories of family dinners.  We do eat together most of the time, but I'm still rather relaxed about it in general.  Sometimes the kids don't want to eat or whatever and I don't make them.

[Katy]

I put 5 days, but this is only true here, most of the time, when DH isn't traveling. In his last position it rarely if ever happened during the weekday. Between the hours and the commute it didn't happen.

[ondreeuh]

I grew up with family dinners, but I don't particularly value them. I talk to everyone plenty throughout the day. I am hungry at 3-4, so I eat a snack and then am not hungry for dinner. I keep making family dinners because my hubby values them and it keeps me serving the kids a variety of food rather than just defaulting to make-your-own-sandwich bars. It is important to me that my kids will eat a variety of dishes, and I make dinners with that in mind. But if dh is traveling or something, that sandwich option is pretty tempting ;).

[Sarah CB]

If dh isn't travelling, he is almost always home in time for dinner. However, there was a point in his career where everyone worked late and on "normal" days he didn't get home until after 9pm. Sometimes he worked all night and we would go down and meet him for breakfast with a clean shirt. He wasn't just working late, he was also leaving by 7am, so we started having the kids go to bed earlier and we'd get up early and have breakfast with him and have some play time before he left for work.

 

I know it was important for us to be flexible in how we found time to be together in those years.

[mytwomonkeys]

Sunday is our family night with a sit-down dinner, followed by games. My husband is rarely home by dinner time so this was our solution.

[Bambam]

I said three - but it does vary depending upon the week. Some weeks 5, some weeks none. 

 

Our activity schedule for the evening also plays into this. One night every other week, my youngest has teen court, and we have to eat early to make that. 

 

I've found that as the kids get older, it is harder and harder to have dinner together as a family because someone has some commitment that interferes. When College Girl left for college, it became a little easier, but it is getting harder again and activities ramp up during the traditional school year. 

[almondbutterandjelly]

I've never understood the societal obsession with families having dinner together.  I think there must be a script that we don't know about of behavior that's supposed to happen.  At dinner, we eat.  We don't sit around chatting.  We're busy eating.  Now, we are very close, and we sit around chatting the whole rest of our lives.  But dinner is for ingesting food.  We generally do that on tv trays.

 

And yes, my dh does happen to be home for dinner every night.  But sometimes we are hungry before he gets home, and we eat anyway.  Dinner is for eating, not following someone's idea of how things should be.