one income families and nightly family dinner

[Serenade]

We eat dinner together as a family pretty much every night. My husband works from home now, but we did that when he worked long hours, too. We eat late, though, way later than most families. It is not unusual for us to sit down to dinner at 8 o'clock.

[medawyn]

Family dinners are just something DH does not value.  If you met his FOO, you would understand.  The fact that he actually sits down to eat and uses utensils is an improvement.  He would like our kids to learn good table manners, because he feels like trying to learn late in life has really disadvantaged him, especially since he is regularly in social situations entertaining clients for work.  He doesn't necessarily make the connection that sitting regularly WITH the children and displaying good manners is an excellent teaching/reenforcing tool.  At this point in time, it's not a hill for me to die on, although the food culture in my family was very different.

 

My kids are in bed by 7:00, and they usually have dinner at 5:00.  It is unreasonable to expect DH home at that hour, and so I alternate.  A few days a week I have dinner with them (more often now in the throes of pregnancy nausea which requires I eat like a Hobbit), and a few days a week I make something simple for them, and cook and eat dinner with DH.  It varies with his work and travel schedule.  I try to sit with whomever I am not eating with for conversation while they eat, and that happens 90% of the time.

 

If he's in town, we do usually eat lunch and dinner as a family on the weekends.  He's not awake and ready for breakfast at 5:30 am like the kids are, though.  :lol:

 

We also try to have lunch with daddy once a week or so, but sometimes that's challenging with the kids ages and his abbreviated lunch time.  I don't want anyone's memories to be of whiny kids and cranky dad.

[EmseB]

I've never understood the societal obsession with families having dinner together.  I think there must be a script that we don't know about of behavior that's supposed to happen.  At dinner, we eat.  We don't sit around chatting.  We're busy eating.  Now, we are very close, and we sit around chatting the whole rest of our lives.  But dinner is for ingesting food.  We generally do that on tv trays.

 

And yes, my dh does happen to be home for dinner every night.  But sometimes we are hungry before he gets home, and we eat anyway.  Dinner is for eating, not following someone's idea of how things should be.  

 

I get that not everyone places importance on family dinners, but eating as a social thing isn't so odd either. It isn't about "following somone's idea of how things should be" or an obsession.

 

Feasting, breaking bread together, having dinner together as a date, getting coffee, sharing dessert, etc are all pretty common.

[catz]

Rarely works at our house, especially now that we have busy teenagers.  Maybe 1-2 times a week?  My husband is often home on time but a kid is somewhere, or one of us is going here or there.

 

But I kind of feel like the above person.  We're together all the time.  I don't feel like dinner is more magical than any other time.  We both get awesome 1-1 conversations with our kids and each other right now at various times.

[dsmith]

We both work, so I didn't answer your poll. We are big on family dinner, both coming from families that were also big on family dinner. Growing up, we always had dinner together at 6 pm every night, dh's family same thing only later. We work from home, so we have continued the tradition. My son was never involved in sports so it is possible for all of us (in-laws live with us) to eat together at 6 - 7 pm. Saturday dinners always include our neighbor. Sunday dinners are on the good china and includes dessert and coffee at the table. We're a little goofy here, so the music matches the food we're eating, which gets very interesting sometimes. We love breakfast for dinner, and that is always served with polka music. I forgot how that started, but our nieces and nephews ask us if they can come over for polka breakfast when we are having it. My sister-in-law's family rarely has dinner together and that's fine for them - they do a lot of activities together and take a lot of vacations together, which we can't do much of because of our businesses. 

[Amy in NH]

In order to make the nightly meal work we shift our entire meal schedule so it looks something like this:

 

Breakfast 10am

Lunch 2pm

Snack before/during activities 4-6pm

Dinner 9-10pm

 

We have a wonderful time together at dinner. I love that this is a memory my kids will have of connecting at the end of each day and sharing laughter.

Edited August 2, 2017 by Amy in NH

[mommyoffive]

We eat all meals together.  

 

Dh works from home

[creekland]

I've never understood the societal obsession with families having dinner together.  I think there must be a script that we don't know about of behavior that's supposed to happen.  At dinner, we eat.  We don't sit around chatting.  We're busy eating.  Now, we are very close, and we sit around chatting the whole rest of our lives.  But dinner is for ingesting food.  We generally do that on tv trays.  

 

Now that you bring it up, I suspect it came about due to the luxury of having food that could be shared and everyone taking the time from their various jobs (not necessarily outside the home jobs) to enjoy it together.  It's just a guess from your thoughts.

 

At home we always watch TV of some sort while we eat together.  We can pause our TV to talk about any aspect of what we are watching.  At restaurants we take our time and chat - often staying longer than most anyone else if we're not particularly in a hurry to get somewhere.  (We tip high for taking up table space for a while - even if there are empty tables.)

 

At my in-laws, they eat together at the table - always, but so quickly it seems any meal is just to wolf down food.  I find that super uncomfortable with my more leisurely nature.  I've often wondered if they even tasted anything by pushing the food in so quickly.  My family eats together at the table and we chat - sometimes the news or a game show is on in the background as my mom has a TV in her kitchen.  It's the same slow pace I'm used to.

 

In any event, not all "family dinners" are the same even if they are eaten together - at the table or watching TV, etc.  It does seem common to gather together all who are around though.

[samba]

My dh has traveled for work for years so we rarely have meals together. It doesn't seem strange because it's all my kids have known; it actually feels weirder when he's here to eat with us, almost like he's changing our routine. I used to read to the kids after I ate while they were still eating. I don't read at mealtime anymore but we still stay around the table for awhile talking, listening to music, etc.

[Mom22ns]

Dh is almost always home for dinner. He usually worked more after the kids went to bed, but he spent 5:30-9:00 with us every day (unless traveling). It was just our way of prioritizing family time and making sure he spent time with the kids. Even now that the kids are grown and away at college 9 months out of the year, he stops working every evening and has dinner with me and spends some time with me. Dh probably works around 60 hours a week most of the time, but still manages to carve out those evening hours for us. 

 

I don't know that dinner is an obsession, but I've read a lot about building community and one of the things most often agreed upon is that the more people eat together, the more they build community. It isn't the only way, but it is a highly effective way and I think that is why it is traditional in so many cultures.

[Kassia]

 It does seem common to gather together all who are around though.

 

I always thought so, too, until my son's ex-gf told him it was "cute" how we tried to eat dinner together every night.  Her family didn't do this and she found it foreign.  In her family, they pretty much all got their own food unless they were going to eat out together.  I don't know what they did when the kids were little.  

[creekland]

I always thought so, too, until my son's ex-gf told him it was "cute" how we tried to eat dinner together every night.  Her family didn't do this and she found it foreign.  In her family, they pretty much all got their own food unless they were going to eat out together.  I don't know what they did when the kids were little. 

 

I'm sure there are and have always been exceptions.  I also still think it's common, worldwide, for all who are around at dinnertime to eat together however it is done in their culture.  I don't think it's strictly an American or European thing.  We've seen it wherever we've traveled.  Someone might be missing due to work, classes, or activities, but if they're around, they join in - although it might not always be around the table as I know several like us who use that time to watch a show on TV together.

[Plateau Mama]

We have family dinner every night. Whoever is home must sit at the table and eat with the family. Sometimes dh isn't home. Most often it is dd 17 who is gone.

 

Eta: during the school year I dont cook dinner. Dh takes youngest to church and they have dinner there.

Edited August 2, 2017 by Plateau Mama

[Rachel]

before he went self employed a year ago, not leaving before the boss was just the way it was and we lived with it even though i hated it. he is working crazy hard to build a business. It is 9:10 here and he isn't home yet. He left at 6:45 am. He's all over the place with this, sometimes working at home and sometimes gone for 15 hrs or occasionally more. it just makes me really sad and I just get lonely. Adult kids help with that somewhat but I just feel like I'm doing this parenting thing all alone. I know he needs to work but I just wish we could have a meal together to anchor our day. I do sit and eat with the kids but it always feels like its not complete without dad. We've attempted breakfast as the meal but the mornings are just as unpredictable.

I'm sorry, I get that feeling. Some people are really wired to do whatever it takes at work and if their spouse stays home, it becomes more possible.

 

Whether it's dinner one or two nights a week or something else, I hope the two of you are able to find a compromise that helps you not feel like a single parent and allows him to feel like he can do the work he needs to do. It sounds like you need a predicable time of day for family time regularly. I hope you can express that to your husband and figure out how to make that happen.

 

I do wonder since you mention feeling lonely, is it specifically his company you miss or would meeting up with a friend once a week help?

[Rachel]

One more thought, does his current project have an end deadline? When my husband's schedule is crazy, it helps to know that the project is scheduled to end in 6 weeks (or whatever). If I know things will be crazy for 6 weeks I handle it better than if I think the craziness will be indefinite.

[SparklyUnicorn]

We have family dinner every night. Whoever is home must sit at the table and eat with the family. Sometimes dh isn't home. Most often it is dd 17 who is gone.

 

Eta: during the school year I dont cook dinner. Dh takes youngest to church and they have dinner there.

 

I need to find a church that serves dinner every night.  I'm so sick of cooking.  LOL

[TechWife]

My husband rarely misses dinner at home when he is in town. He may miss two or three in a year. We do adjust dinner time sometimes, but that only happens once or twice a month.

[HS Mom in NC]

On average, 5 nights a week.  He works from home most of the the time but has to go on site a couple times a month.  He's usually home for dinner those nights too, but every now and then has to stay late. 
 

[Frosch]

I answered 5 but thats for the 7 day period.  

However...and it's a big however....we adjust our schedule around DH's work schedule. We don't have dinner at 6:00.  Usually, it's 7:30 or 8:00.  We do have dinner early on Scout nights but they will have a snack after they get home.  (or they have a snack before and eat at 8:30 when they get home.)

 

Even when the kids were little we had a late schedule.  (Late to bed, late to wake up.)  If we didn't, the kids would never see their dad.  That was one of the reasons homeschooling was so important.

Edited August 2, 2017 by Frosch

[Shellydon]

DH works long hours as is expected in his profession.  He leaves the house around 6:30/7:00 am and returns home around 6:30/7:00 pm.  We eat when he arrives home.  He spends a couple of hours with the kids then begins work from home, usually 9:00 pm to 11:00 pm. 

 

We adjust dinner to be when he gets home.  The only evening activity is Wednesday night church.

[prairiewindmomma]

Are you getting date night? I find my tolerance for my dh's long hours waxes and wanes on whether I am getting quality time with him. I need quality > quantity.   Likewise, if I make FHE a focal point for family time, I am less stressed about whether family dinners happen.

 

 

[Ravin]

We don't even have a dining table.

[6packofun]

My husband is home in time, but then either leaves for a second job OR to an activity with a child.  (He does Dungeons & Dragons with one dd on Wednesdays, for example, and they're gone from 4:30-8.)  I find myself cooking big meals less and less.  We have all of our adult children at home and it's kind of crazy.

[Lady Marmalade]

Pretty much never.  DH works late, and then we add in a dance schedule and church schedule and family dinner just isn't happening.  Honestly, even if he were here, it still wouldn't be much of a family dinnertime.  DH is one of those people who (bless his heart) hoovers dinner.  Literally, he can have his dinner gone before I've even taken a bite of each item on my plate.  He grew up in a home where if he wanted seconds he had to eat as fast as he could to beat his hungry brothers to what little remained.  Add to that he works construction now, so meals during the work day are super quick bites in-between things while he works.  

 

So, it works out nicely that I make him a plate and he can eat it when he gets home later.  It keeps me from harping on his fast eating and getting irritated about it even after all these years.

[Lady Marmalade]

We don't even have a dining table.

 

Yep.  Although, technically it IS a dining table, we use it for food prep and for games.  But we don't eat at it.  I greatly dislike being in close proximity to someone chewing.  I manage fine on special occasions or at someone else's home, but at my home I've very happy to sit in the living room with the TV on to muffle the sounds of eating. 

[AimeeM]

Typically he is home every day in time for dinner. He works pretty typical office hours. If he isn't home in time for dinner, it's intentional and not (usually) work-related. There have been a handful of time he's had meetings go late, but otherwise it would be because he is entertaining a friend and they have dinner out. 

 

He does travel some for work, but that's here and there, so I didn't count it. Obviously he isn't home for dinner when he's traveling. 

 

During the regular school year, WE aren't home for dinner (meaning, me and the kids) because of dance (the boys) or art (teenage DD) a couple times weekly.

 

Edited August 3, 2017 by AimeeM

[Selkie]

We eat dinner together every night. It's important to dh and he is always home for dinner.

 

Growing up, my family never ate together, not even on holidays. It makes me very happy that my own kids have grown up differently than I did and will have many happy memories of family meal time.

[lllll]

nm 

 

Edited August 14, 2017 by lllll

[Tammi K]

Times are different now because the youngest are 16 and over. So, they have their own schedule, job, etc. Husband is deployed overseas and family life has a different tone.

 

But when the majority of the kids lived at home, we had dinner together almost every night. However, we frequently sat down at the table around 8:00 by the time everyone finished with evening activities.  That would never work for the 'kids in bed by 7:00' crowd. But it worked fine for us.