S/O: Why does being asked "What's for dinner?" bother some people?

[HS Mom in NC]

I usually pencil in on my fridge calendar meals for the week, so they can read it for themselves. I usually meal plan for the week, including meal prepping with cook once eat at least twice, but this year I've gone next level with this delightful little gem where I cook and prep most of the meals for the week in a few hours: https://www.amazon.com/Cook-Once-Eat-All-Week/dp/1628603437/ref=sr_1_3?crid=18Q01W29Q17HC&dchild=1&keywords=cook+once+eat+all+week+cookbook&qid=1612662963&sprefix=cook+once+ea%2Caps%2C333&sr=8-3

When my kids are mid-teens they start getting assigned meal responsibilities. I let them pick a few meals they're responsible to master that are proper meals, not just mac n cheese or Ramen or pasta and jarred sauce. They help with meal planning and shopping because life skills are important. I don't wait for them to offer, I assign cooking duty.

Note***When my kids ask a question I already answered I say, "I already answered that, you should've listened more closely when you asked the first time." Then I walk away and get on with things without telling them the answer again. Or as Joanne (Yes, that Joanne who used to frequent the boards here) would say to her kids, "Asked and answered." And then we'd get back to our playdate which we said was for the kids, but come on, it was Joanne, it was a playdate for us. Or as my brother says to his kids, "You're getting 3 square meals a day, that's still going to happen, so don't bother us now (it was usually right after breakfast) about dinner."

[Guest]

These resurrected threads always make me sad about all the former posters who don’t post anymore. 

[AbcdeDooDah]

Anyone else think of Spongebob when these zombie threads come up? 

https://i.gifer.com/7NdM.gif

https://i.gifer.com/7NdM.gif

Edited February 7, 2021 by AbcdeDooDah

[Emba]

It annoys me, and I can’t pinpoint why. I menu plan, but I consider it more of a guideline. Maybe we’ll have what’s on it on the day I planned it for, maybe we won’t. So it annoys me to be asked what’s for dinner, but it also annoys me when people say “Oh good, we’re having spaghetti tonight!” When really we aren’t because I decided I’d rather cook something else.

i think it the continual expectation that I’m in charge of all the meals that is irritating and i don’t want to hear whining about what I’m making while I’m making it or in anticipation of it. And I don’t want to hear whining about how they would rather have what’s written on the menu plan if my plans have changed.

I enjoy cooking, but three times a day every day gets old sometimes. And four people are completely capable of doing meals here, but no one but me will unless I specifically ask our command it. I just realized that I usually don’t mind if DH asks what’s for dinner, because he never complains about it, or says he likes Nana’s meatloaf better, or just feels compelled to reminisce about how much they love Nana’s meatloaf when I mention I’m making mine. Every. single. time.

(Nana puts brown sugar in her meatloaf and I think it’s disgusting.)

Sorry. Had to get that off my chest. I try not to trash anybody else’s cooking in front of my kids. But I dread the same meatloaf that my kids love. Do I whine about Nana’s meatloaf when she serves it? No. 

Edited February 7, 2021 by Emba

[KathyBC]

What's for dinner has become slightly more challenging since the oven bake element burned out.
My question for you: how did I just discover stove top biscuits tonight? Fried in margarine in the cast iron, I'm sure they are terribly unhealthy, but oh so much salty goodness!!

[EKS]

Thing 1:  For future reference, for anyone who is interested, we normally reserve the f-word on this forum for...well, I don't know what really because no one ever uses it.

Thing 2: I find it annoying to be asked what's for dinner because the question assumes that I have a fucking clue.

Edited February 7, 2021 by EKS

[Ausmumof3]

Apparently this apocalypse does have zombies in it... just all the internet thread ones...

these threads do feel kind of weird. Somehow without even checking the date you know they’re old.  Maybe it’s because we were worrying about normal things like what’s for dinner and not how to navigate a pandemic  😞 

[Jean in Newcastle]

 🧟‍♀️  🧟‍♂️ 

[Arctic Bunny]

1 hour ago, Ausmumof3 said:

Apparently this apocalypse does have zombies in it... just all the internet thread ones...

these threads do feel kind of weird. Somehow without even checking the date you know they’re old.  Maybe it’s because we were worrying about normal things like what’s for dinner and not how to navigate a pandemic  😞 

Right? I read the OP, and all the driving and scheduling meals around activities, etc.... 

[Tanaqui]

11 hours ago, EKS said:

Thing 1:  For future reference, for anyone who is interested, we normally reserve the f-word on this forum for...well, I don't know what really because no one ever uses it.

Thing 2: I find it annoying to be asked what's for dinner because the question assumes that I have a fucking clue.

 

Not that I think our driveby cares, but that's why I advise people, always, to spend a little time lurking before posting in a new place, precisely to avoid this sort of faux pas.

[hippymamato3]

1. Because I don't know.

2. Because everyone will want different things, so I just kinda short order cook dinner anyway.

3. Because I don't enjoy cooking. 

[Janeway]

It bothers me because my children complain about whatever I am making, someone always does. And I hate cooking.

[Kassia]

I never get asked this question because I plan meals a week in advance and write them down where everyone can see them.  

But I really hate to cook.  And our family is very difficult to feed with everyone on different diets and with different food preferences.  

[Snazzykatti]

Because my husband texts this daily 20-30 minutes before I’m even off work...before asking me anything about my day...when more often than not he worked a 4-6hr day, and I worked a 9-12hr day...and never once is it sent in the format “what would you like to have for dinner?”, and because never once in 11years was dinner on the table for me when I got home...even when I was the primary bread winner.

[Eos]

A not-unreasonable zombie response...

[Indigo Blue]

Just now, Eos said:

A not-unreasonable zombie response...

I agree

[Miss Tick]

55 minutes ago, Eos said:

A not-unreasonable zombie response...

Perhaps the zombies have incorporated AI.

[desertstrawberry5]

A zombie thread brought me back to WTM.  I got an email that someone had given me their opinion on whether I should stop braiding my hair 7 years ago. 

I scrolled this one to see what my answer was. No one asks me this anymore because the kids have been cooking while I worked full time. Today I'm preparing to start actually schooling my kiddos again. They have been working on thier own.  So this zombie awakening is timely for me. 

These days my kids are just glad I'm here and cooking for them again. 

 

Edited June 7, 2022 by desertstrawberry5

[fairfarmhand]

1 hour ago, desertstrawberry5 said:

A zombie thread brought me back to WTM.  I got an email that someone had given me their opinion on whether I should stop braiding my hair 7 years ago. 

I scrolled this one to see what my answer was. No one asks me this anymore because the kids have been cooking while I worked full time. Today I'm preparing to start actually schooling my kiddos again. They have been working on thier own.  So this zombie awakening is timely for me. 

These days my kids are just glad I'm here and cooking for them again. 

 

Welcome back! When I saw this thread pop up and wondered, "Whatever happened to her?" Thanks for the update.

[Spy Car]

On 2/6/2021 at 6:19 PM, Quill said:

These resurrected threads always make me sad about all the former posters who don’t post anymore. 

Me too.

Bill

[Scarlett]

9 hours ago, desertstrawberry5 said:

A zombie thread brought me back to WTM.  I got an email that someone had given me their opinion on whether I should stop braiding my hair 7 years ago. 

 

I saw that Zombie thread and laughed because I recently STARTED braiding my hair in 2 pig tails. I love it.  It is so so easy and I get a lot of compliments on it.  

[LaughingCat]

NVM -- see it's a zombie thread 😆

Edited June 7, 2022 by LaughingCat
fixed typo

[fraidycat]

17 hours ago, desertstrawberry5 said:

A zombie thread brought me back to WTM.  I got an email that someone had given me their opinion on whether I should stop braiding my hair 7 years ago. 

I scrolled this one to see what my answer was. No one asks me this anymore because the kids have been cooking while I worked full time. Today I'm preparing to start actually schooling my kiddos again. They have been working on thier own.  So this zombie awakening is timely for me. 

These days my kids are just glad I'm here and cooking for them again. 

 

Welcome back!! 

[heartlikealion]

I don't think my kids ask this much. It's usually asked if I say, "we're eating dinner soon" or if we give them a choice "are you eating here or at dad's?" (because drop off is right at dinner time and we're flexible about it).

I do try to plan a little bit ahead just because it's such a pain to shop locally. This frequently means moving meat from the freezer to the fridge to defrost the day before, then possibly placing on my defrosting metal sheet (helps speed up defrosting). But I don't always know what we're eating. I really don't rotate that many meals. Chicken & veg several times a week (rice, scalloped potatoes etc might be a side). It's one of the few things no one complains about lol. 

[desertstrawberry5]

10 hours ago, Scarlett said:

I saw that Zombie thread and laughed because I recently STARTED braiding my hair in 2 pig tails. I love it.  It is so so easy and I get a lot of compliments on it.  

I don't wear it in braids very much anymore. It's thinner, curlier, and layered now. I generally wear it up. When/if it grows to my waist again, I might start braiding it again. 

20 hours ago, desertstrawberry5 said:

A zombie thread brought me back to WTM.  I got an email that someone had given me their opinion on whether I should stop braiding my hair 7 years ago. 

I scrolled this one to see what my answer was. No one asks me this anymore because the kids have been cooking while I worked full time. Today I'm preparing to start actually schooling my kiddos again. They have been working on thier own.  So this zombie awakening is timely for me. 

These days my kids are just glad I'm here and cooking for them again. 

 

 

[desertstrawberry5]

19 hours ago, fairfarmhand said:

Welcome back! When I saw this thread pop up and wondered, "Whatever happened to her?" Thanks for the update.

Aw thank you! we're doing well. I updated my signature with what the kiddos are doing now. I'm taking the summer off in AZ while my kids do theater camp. Then we'll go back to Vegas where I work at an indoor dog park and doggie daycare/boarding. 
I have a few projects I'm launching including a homeschool podcast. I'll add a link when I get the first few episodes out. 

[MJmom]

Because it’s asked 1 foot away from the stove with pots bubbling away with very familiar recipes. That, right in front of your nose, is dinner.

Because it’s never an offer to help cook. 
 

Because it’s a chore I have to do that other benefit from and I don’t need them needling me about it. 

[Clarita]

Because I have a 5 and 3 year old and I've answered the question 5 times already. 

[Catwoman]

Welcome back, @desertstrawberry5!!!

It's great to see you!!!

[Laura Corin]

Because I don't know at all until I go and stare in the fridge for ingredients at 6pm, and I don't really know until I've finished concocting it an hour later.  

[Eos]

54 minutes ago, Laura Corin said:

Because I don't know at all until I go and stare in the fridge for ingredients at 6pm, and I don't really know until I've finished concocting it an hour later.  

Truly the same here.

[Guest]

@Garga - look what we wrote before! Now we are both working outside the home! I wonder if you budget take out every night…
 

I still don’t use those meal services (so far). But dh makes far more of the meals now, and we plan the menu every weekend, so we are almost never lost on what to make anymore. Plus, we use a mnemonic device to plan the menu, like Seafood Sunday, Meatless Monday, etc., which has been working well for us. 

[Ann.without.an.e]

Wow, this is an old thread lol. I was wondering why I didn't remember reacting to the first reply and now it makes sense. 

When this was posted, that question didn't really bother me because my family rarely asked it. Now that I have young adults and SIL's, etc. There are some adult kiddos in my family who ask it to determine if they are eating here or grabbing take out and for some reason I do find that a little bothersome. 

[Tree Frog]

This question has always bothered me because it presumes I'm in charge of dinner. Our kids are out of the house now, but dh usually asks if I have anything planned for dinner. It's the same question in a different format. When I ask him what he would like, he almost always tells me "whatever you want to make.", which doesn't really help me. The other night, I wasn't feeling well and he asked me what I wanted for dinner, which was a very nice question to ask. I told him I would eat whatever he wanted. His response was "Well, that doesn't really help me." I chuckled and said "yep!" 

[desertstrawberry5]

6 hours ago, Tree Frog said:

This question has always bothered me because it presumes I'm in charge of dinner. Our kids are out of the house now, but dh usually asks if I have anything planned for dinner. It's the same question in a different format. When I ask him what he would like, he almost always tells me "whatever you want to make.", which doesn't really help me. The other night, I wasn't feeling well and he asked me what I wanted for dinner, which was a very nice question to ask. I told him I would eat whatever he wanted. His response was "Well, that doesn't really help me." I chuckled and said "yep!" 

Last time D told me to pick up whatever I wanted, I sent him a picture of whole char grilled fish from the filipino market where I was shopping. He clarified that he would like a hamburger. 

On 6/7/2022 at 3:36 PM, Catwoman said:

Welcome back, @desertstrawberry5!!!

It's great to see you!!!

Thank you. It;s good to be back

[Ellie]

On 7/23/2017 at 7:52 AM, HomeAgain said:

Because it is often followed by "I don't like that!" :lol:

Exactly.

What does it matter what I'm fixing for dinner? I cook, you eat, the end.

[kiwik]

I don't think about dinner until late afternoon.  It annoys me because by the time I know for sure it is in the oven and they can look.  I compensate by not cooking things they don't like.

[Garga]

On 6/8/2022 at 6:15 AM, Quill said:

@Garga - look what we wrote before! Now we are both working outside the home! I wonder if you budget take out every night…
 

I still don’t use those meal services (so far). But dh makes far more of the meals now, and we plan the menu every weekend, so we are almost never lost on what to make anymore. Plus, we use a mnemonic device to plan the menu, like Seafood Sunday, Meatless Monday, etc., which has been working well for us. 

I love what we wrote before!  

My caveats before were that once we’d helped with college, then we’d go out to eat every night.  I’m stuck in a bit of limbo now. I have the job, but I set aside more than half of it for college costs, and then a sizable hunk for my own retirement savings, and so we have a bit of money left over at the end to spend on Other Things, but it’s not like I have as much as I’d thought, because so much of it is set aside for college. Not complaining! I am eternally grateful that I have the chance to set so much aside for college because we simply were not able to save anything for the boys until I got that job, so they’d have had to foot the bill entirely on their own. 

Going out to eat more often is certainly one of those Other Things I use the leftover salary for, but we’re not up to nightly yet, because we set the majority of my salary aside. 

At this point, our meals are somewhat like yours. We always have pasta on Monday, Taco Tuesday, etc. so everyone knows what to expect if we’re not eating out and somewhat alleviates that “What’s for dinner” question.

And I made sure to teach the boys how to cook the nightly planned meals. Like, they know how to cook their own pasta on pasta Monday. They know how to make the tacos on Taco Tuesday, etc. So, when I’m working late, which I do a lot, I can tell them, “Get dinner going” and they can. 

Now that they can cook dinner for themselves most of the time, they don’t ask as much about it. Funny how that works…

Edited June 9, 2022 by Garga

[LaughingCat]

On 6/8/2022 at 10:49 PM, Ellie said:

Exactly.

What does it matter what I'm fixing for dinner? I cook, you eat, the end.

My husband cooks-- but that doesn't make it so I magically like everything he cooks, in fact we don't even like the same types of food which is why he asked to take over the cooking.   He tries not cook to things I actively dislike but still ends up neutral many nights i.e. dinner is not an enjoyable eating experience for me.   

I do appreciate the work he put into it so I thank him and eat some of everything, however, if he had a  "What does it matter what I'm fixing for dinner? I cook, you eat, the end" attitude about it, that would be completely 100% unacceptable to me.

So I'm not sure why kids are expected so often to eat anything served with a happy and grateful attitude when I certainly can't. 

[vonfirmath]

25 minutes ago, LaughingCat said:

My husband cooks-- but that doesn't make it so I magically like everything he cooks, in fact we don't even like the same types of food which is why he asked to take over the cooking.   He tries not cook to things I actively dislike but still ends up neutral many nights i.e. dinner is not an enjoyable eating experience for me.   

I do appreciate the work he put into it so I thank him and eat some of everything, however, if he had a  "What does it matter what I'm fixing for dinner? I cook, you eat, the end" attitude about it, that would be completely 100% unacceptable to me.

So I'm not sure why kids are expected so often to eat anything served with a happy and grateful attitude when I certainly can't. 

I think it would be best for me to work on being happy and grateful for being fed even when the food is not my favorite rather than allowing my kids to think they are allowed to be ungrateful when the food is not their favorite. 

 

There  may come the time when food is just for sustenance and we no longer have the luxury of only eating enjoyable food but rather being grateful for nutritious food that helps keep us healthy, An Awful lot of people throughout the world live in this state already -- and they are happy and grateful for food that there are people in my house that turn up their nose and refuse to eat.

 

[LaughingCat]

2 minutes ago, vonfirmath said:

I think it would be best for me to work on being happy and grateful for being fed even when the food is not my favorite rather than allowing my kids to think they are allowed to be ungrateful when the food is not their favorite. 

 

There  may come the time when food is just for sustenance and we no longer have the luxury of only eating enjoyable food but rather being grateful for nutritious food that helps keep us healthy, An Awful lot of people throughout the world live in this state already -- and they are happy and grateful for food that there are people in my house that turn up their nose and refuse to eat.

 

As I said in my post,  I thank my husband every day (and tell me, what other chore are you expected to give a daily verbal thanks?), and I eat some of everything.  That is all I expect of my kids or any visitors -- NOT false happiness or false gratitude.

And acting as if happiness and gratefulness are required purely because someone else elsewhere is going hungry is a false argument anyway.

Do you (general you --not specifically vonfirmath) have abundance of food that you like in your particular house? If you are the cook, do you cook food that you enjoy? Why not try eating food you don't care for for a few weeks while food you like is in the fridge and see how much of a happy and grateful attitude you can maintain?  And actually most women should already know how this feels from dieting -- when you are on a diet, do you say "oh I am so happy and grateful to put this food that tastes like sawdust in my mouth" or do you dream of when you can go back to eating things you actually like?

[Laura Corin]

2 hours ago, LaughingCat said:

My husband cooks-- but that doesn't make it so I magically like everything he cooks, in fact we don't even like the same types of food which is why he asked to take over the cooking.   He tries not cook to things I actively dislike but still ends up neutral many nights i.e. dinner is not an enjoyable eating experience for me.   

I do appreciate the work he put into it so I thank him and eat some of everything, however, if he had a  "What does it matter what I'm fixing for dinner? I cook, you eat, the end" attitude about it, that would be completely 100% unacceptable to me.

So I'm not sure why kids are expected so often to eat anything served with a happy and grateful attitude when I certainly can't. 

Husband and I each cook about 50 percent of the time. I know that intense flavours matter to him, so I make sure that the vegetarian food I cook is well-flavoured. He knows that I like to fill my plate with at least 75 percent veg, so he makes lots of veg to go with the meat he likes. Because we each cook with these courtesies in mind, and we share the cooking, we each enjoy most meals. Is some kind of sharing possible for you?

Edited June 10, 2022 by Laura Corin

[LaughingCat]

1 minute ago, Laura Corin said:

Husband and I each cook about 50 percent of the time. I know that intense flavours matter to him, so I make sure that the vegetarian food I cook is well-flavoured. He knows that I like to fill my plate with at least 75 percent veg, so he makes lots of veg to go with the meat he likes. Because we each cook with these courtesies in mind, and we share the cooking, we each enjoy most meals. Is some kind of sharing possible for you?

The problem is basically one summarized by the title of the "do you like meat?" thread LOL -- and the one type of meat that I do like (beef), DH no longer eats due to heart issues.  And I'm not a veggie lover where he could just make lots more veggies instead.  I am a cheese girl and DH is a chicken guy LOL.  So in general the main dishes I like best, DH is neutral about or does not care for, and vice versa.  And the situation got worse when we both started eating lower carb. 

I do not mean in anyway to ding my cook on this -- he is aware of the situation and has spent time and effort trying to make everyone as happy as possible.   But it does make it very clear to me how some of these complaints from the cooking side seem very different from the eating side, even when the eater is appreciative of the work the cook is doing (which most kids probably aren't). 

Note: when the kids are gone I expect the situation will resolve because we'll just each cook our own dinner 😄 

[Kassia]

9 minutes ago, LaughingCat said:

 

Note: when the kids are gone I expect the situation will resolve because we'll just each cook our own dinner 😄 

this is what we do now because our food preferences/diets are so different. 

When the kids are home it's kind of tough because they eat differently than we do.  I try to keep a list of meals that work pretty well but it's an adjustment for sure.  We usually have three different dinners going for 6-8 people.  

[Indigo Blue]

And my husband just asked me what’s for dinner? While standing in front of the stove with spaghetti and pasta boiling! 😂😂 I just said….let me tell you about this thread ……

 

We just laughed

 

[Ellie]

5 hours ago, LaughingCat said:

My husband cooks-- but that doesn't make it so I magically like everything he cooks, in fact we don't even like the same types of food which is why he asked to take over the cooking.   He tries not cook to things I actively dislike but still ends up neutral many nights i.e. dinner is not an enjoyable eating experience for me.   

I do appreciate the work he put into it so I thank him and eat some of everything, however, if he had a  "What does it matter what I'm fixing for dinner? I cook, you eat, the end" attitude about it, that would be completely 100% unacceptable to me.

So I'm not sure why kids are expected so often to eat anything served with a happy and grateful attitude when I certainly can't. 

If my dh cooks, I would eat with a happy and grateful attitude, even if it was something I didn't like, because good manners.

[Lisa]

 It only bothered me occasionally, but usually not. When my kids asked what's for dinner, my answer was always, "food". Then they would ask what kind of food, and my answer would always be "edible food".

[LaughingCat]

3 hours ago, Ellie said:

If my dh cooks, I would eat with a happy and grateful attitude, even if it was something I didn't like, because good manners.

 Good manners is NOT a happy and grateful attitude. The essence of good manners is actually the opposite of that -- to treat someone respectfully and show appreciation for their work whether or not you feel any happiness or gratitude for what they have done.  I use my good manners with my DH and kids every night at the dinner table.

Plus, have to say -- back when my DH was only cooking once every blue moon, I had no problem with a happy and grateful attitude either. However my happiness and gratitude was all about the fact that he had taken on a BIG chore for the night -- and not really about the 'cooking' itself.  I am just as happy and grateful today when my DD jumps in and does a few loads of laundry in addition to her own chores for example.  That is not really the same thing as expecting kids to act happy and grateful no matter what you serve them for dinner  (OTOH I have no problem at all with expecting a respectful and kind demeanor and sharing out the chore load! ). 

[Ellie]

1 hour ago, LaughingCat said:

 Good manners is NOT a happy and grateful attitude. The essence of good manners is actually the opposite of that -- to treat someone respectfully and show appreciation for their work whether or not you feel any happiness or gratitude for what they have done.  I use my good manners with my DH and kids every night at the dinner table.

Plus, have to say -- back when my DH was only cooking once every blue moon, I had no problem with a happy and grateful attitude either. However my happiness and gratitude was all about the fact that he had taken on a BIG chore for the night -- and not really about the 'cooking' itself.  I am just as happy and grateful today when my DD jumps in and does a few loads of laundry in addition to her own chores for example.  That is not really the same thing as expecting kids to act happy and grateful no matter what you serve them for dinner  (OTOH I have no problem at all with expecting a respectful and kind demeanor and sharing out the chore load! ). 

And we're kinda going off topic here.

Please note that I did not say that I expected my dc to have a "happy and grateful attitude." I don't know how that even came into the conversation.

[ieta_cassiopeia]

The question bothers me face-to-face because the asker has usually forgotten what I said by the time dinner actually gets made, with the result that my answer made no difference to what was served and the asker doesn't even remember why it made no difference. (For clarity: if the question is happening, it's invariably because someone else is doing the cooking).

It also doesn't help that I often don't have a preference (I am not a fussy eater and my parents taught me to eat a reasonable portion of what I'm served unless it's truly unpalatable - e.g. burnt - or it involves the one food they know I can't swallow), and when I do have a preference, often have no idea what exactly is in stock (exactly what gets bought varies depending on what goes through the shopper's head during recent shopping trips, meals only partly follow a set schedule, food sometimes goes off out of schedule and there's rarely chance to check the supplies before an answer is socially expected). Thus I can't tell if any preference is even possible to serve on a given day (unless it's one of those "set schedule" occasions, in which case the question rarely gets asked because the person making dinner knows what's for tea without asking).

When my parents were asked "What's for tea?" they'd usually reply "Food" unless there was something particularly special about the intended meal, which I think is a perfectly reasonable and mildly amusing approach if you are indeed the person who will be making the food.

(Naturally, this is not an issue in forum posts, since the asker will presumably use the forum thread as a reminder and isn't seriously planning on plating up a meal for me personally tonight).