DH going through breakdown. Support only, please.

[BlessedMom]

You have been on my heart and I wanted to wish you a Happy Mother's Day! 

May you be flooded with the pure joy loving our children can bring to our hearts. 

[rmtzc2009]

Praying for you today ðŸ™

[BlessedMom]

:grouphug: Praying :grouphug:

[Moonhawk]

Sorry this is so long, a case of the classic "If I had more time, I would have written a shorter letter."

 

Hey, just a reminder that Mr. Halmark had no idea that this would be your life today.

Don't let the sentimental claptrap about mothers' day get you down. You are taking care of life, marriage and parenting "like a boss" -- and you don't need anybody to spoil you or give you one random perfect day to prove it.

Thanks for this. I did see it early Mother's Day morning, and it helped me keep it together. It was a thoroughly forgettable Mother's Day. At least, I'm actively trying to forget it, lol. 

 

So, last week he stopped texting the person, giving the reason that he is bipolar, and so can't see or text her until he is stable. So, while it's good on one hand, he is starting to build her up as a Star Crossed Connection that, once he is stable, he can start to see again "once he makes his decision" (i.e. whether to stay or go). And he is angry at me for interfering in it (the date I found out about on Wednesday and blew my top over was this one. He says he was going to break it off at this date anyway, but that since I "inserted" myself by asking what he was going to do, its now more my fault, and yes he does acknowledge that isn't fair or sensical.) He's told me he misses her a lot, but a part of him knows that she wasn't that interested anyway, so he is going back and forth between the fantasy idea of her, and that she doesn't really care. In either case, he is depressed over it. 

I also did massive damage to the situation, and I am ashamed of it, and really don't want to mention this but I've been honest thus far. When I found out last Wednesday about the date, I did let emotions get the best of me. I put my hands on his chest when we were talking. Didn't push or hit, but did put my hands on him, as if I wanted to shake him. He says, though, that I used my nails (I don't think I did). He says he doesn't feel like his anger over this is justified because of the things he's done, and he admits I didn't actually hurt him or try to hurt him and it was an acceptable level of contact, but he is really really angry at me over it. Again, no physical manifestation, just withdrawal. And stares of anger and sullen answers. He keeps bringing it up as justification for his attitude (eta: then says thats not fair of him, and he is sorry for continually bringing it up).

 

He met her at a community class, the next level starts today and he signed up for it. He just found out she's going to be going to it (she said she wasn't before). He's conflicted now but wants to do it because he has developed other [male] friendships there, and he likes the group dynamic. And it's his only social outlet right now. At this point, my asking him to not do it will just fuel his anger towards me, and do more damage to our relationship, which I basically feel like I'm chasing the tatters of already. 

 

I did start the process for a therapist through my insurance, but will take a while (as we saw with his request), and will continue to talk to the people I'm with already. We have had some good conversations since Thursday, despite his general anger and withdrawal, and I continue to glimpse a normal person. He wants to change his career now, as well, but is actively seeing some of his impulses as being led by the disease. He's filled out a few volunteer forms for community things looking for positive interaction and less self-centered thinking. He has apologized at times for his attitude and even has made a few gestures showing he's trying to act normal. He [sometimes] wants us to do couples counseling to repair stuff. But, he still talks about getting stable so he can finally make the decision to leave. He has not said "love you" for the past week, which you'd think is the least of my concerns at this point but the symbolism is freaking me out. 

 

We have kept kids farther away from him, he hasn't been with them for more than 20 min with the exception of Mothers Day. I think this is worse for him in some ways because its distancing himself from the the positive parts of family life as well, and he doesn't really replay good memories to keep up positive images, especially when he is already negative towards the family life thing. But, neither of us want the kids to deal with him like this if he is easily irritable.

 

So yeah I'm close to the red zone of my coping ability I think. Just focusing on the progress made, the times he actually is in a good mood and acting like a guy I used to know, and the fact it's really only been 2 months (and not even all the time of the 2 months has been all bad), not an entire life time, and that if the pattern holds up, we're either turning a corner or are about to. I'm slipping on self care and need to refocus on that and fun activities for kids, since the school thing has stopped except for math and reading/writing. I know self care will make it easier on everyone, and will probably even help DH (though thats not why I should do it), its just getting harder to take the time when I feel like there is so many things that need to be fixed. 

Edited May 16, 2017 by Moonhawk

[ErinE]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

You did nothing wrong. I hope you find someone soon to talk to and help you through this.

[Jean in Newcastle]

((Moonhawk))

[Pink and Green Mom]

Oh, Moonhawk.  I am so sorry you are having to go through this.  :grouphug:  You are handling yourself with a dignity and grace I know I wouldn't be able to muster.  :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[happi duck]

Many (hugs)

[winterbaby]

I don't think you did anything to be massively ashamed of. You are being tested to the limit. Based on your descriptions it doesn't seem he has any clue how fortunate he is to have you, and your unbelievable level of patience. Be on guard against any hint that one small action and your tender conscience about it could be twisted into meaning this is now a tit-for-tat situation where hey, we've both done things wrong, so.... Nope, no way on anything like that. I'm continuing to pray for you.

Edited May 16, 2017 by winterbaby

[Seasider]

Sounds like a classic case of blame shifting to me. You have done nothing wrong and so much enormously right, it is very unfair to you.

 

The passive-aggressive person in me would sign up for the same class. (Wrong, wrong, of course, but that's my knee jerk reaction.)

 

I don't think anyone would blame you if you were to decide it's time to ask him to move out. You have made heroic efforts, but you've got to take care of yourself, too. Your children deserve at least one healthy parent.

 

(((Many hugs)))

[Catwoman]

Sorry this is so long, a case of the classic "If I had more time, I would have written a shorter letter."

 

Thanks for this. I did see it early Mother's Day morning, and it helped me keep it together. It was a thoroughly forgettable Mother's Day. At least, I'm actively trying to forget it, lol.

 

So, last week he stopped texting the person, giving the reason that he is bipolar, and so can't see or text her until he is stable. So, while it's good on one hand, he is starting to build her up as a Star Crossed Connection that, once he is stable, he can start to see again "once he makes his decision" (i.e. whether to stay or go). And he is angry at me for interfering in it (the date I found out about on Wednesday and blew my top over was this one. He says he was going to break it off at this date anyway, but that since I "inserted" myself by asking what he was going to do, its now more my fault, and yes he does acknowledge that isn't fair or sensical.) He's told me he misses her a lot, but a part of him knows that she wasn't that interested anyway, so he is going back and forth between the fantasy idea of her, and that she doesn't really care. In either case, he is depressed over it.

 

I also did massive damage to the situation, and I am ashamed of it, and really don't want to mention this but I've been honest thus far. When I found out last Wednesday about the date, I did let emotions get the best of me. I put my hands on his chest when we were talking. Didn't push or hit, but did put my hands on him, as if I wanted to shake him. He says, though, that I used my nails (I don't think I did). He says he doesn't feel like his anger over this is justified because of the things he's done, and he admits I didn't actually hurt him or try to hurt him and it was an acceptable level of contact, but he is really really angry at me over it. Again, no physical manifestation, just withdrawal. And stares of anger and sullen answers. He keeps bringing it up as justification for his attitude (eta: then says thats not fair of him, and he is sorry for continually bringing it up).

 

He met her at a community class, the next level starts today and he signed up for it. He just found out she's going to be going to it (she said she wasn't before). He's conflicted now but wants to do it because he has developed other [male] friendships there, and he likes the group dynamic. And it's his only social outlet right now. At this point, my asking him to not do it will just fuel his anger towards me, and do more damage to our relationship, which I basically feel like I'm chasing the tatters of already.

 

I did start the process for a therapist through my insurance, but will take a while (as we saw with his request), and will continue to talk to the people I'm with already. We have had some good conversations since Thursday, despite his general anger and withdrawal, and I continue to glimpse a normal person. He wants to change his career now, as well, but is actively seeing some of his impulses as being led by the disease. He's filled out a few volunteer forms for community things looking for positive interaction and less self-centered thinking. He has apologized at times for his attitude and even has made a few gestures showing he's trying to act normal. He [sometimes] wants us to do couples counseling to repair stuff. But, he still talks about getting stable so he can finally make the decision to leave. He has not said "love you" for the past week, which you'd think is the least of my concerns at this point but the symbolism is freaking me out.

 

We have kept kids farther away from him, he hasn't been with them for more than 20 min with the exception of Mothers Day. I think this is worse for him in some ways because its distancing himself from the the positive parts of family life as well, and he doesn't really replay good memories to keep up positive images, especially when he is already negative towards the family life thing. But, neither of us want the kids to deal with him like this if he is easily irritable.

 

So yeah I'm close to the red zone of my coping ability I think. Just focusing on the progress made, the times he actually is in a good mood and acting like a guy I used to know, and the fact it's really only been 2 months (and not even all the time of the 2 months has been all bad), not an entire life time, and that if the pattern holds up, we're either turning a corner or are about to. I'm slipping on self care and need to refocus on that and fun activities for kids, since the school thing has stopped except for math and reading/writing. I know self care will make it easier on everyone, and will probably even help DH (though thats not why I should do it), its just getting harder to take the time when I feel like there is so many things that need to be fixed.

You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of! As far as I'm concerned, your dh is lucky you haven't killed him yet. I don't know of a single person who would be showing him this level of patience and understanding.

 

If anything, you're being far too nice and are putting up with far too much.

[scrapbookbuzz]

Reading your latest description of your all-too-real drama, towards the end I thought, "She needs a BREAK." I also thought you really do need to just

walk away for a time. Or make him go. I'm not saying reconciliation is "out of the cards" at this point, but you really do need to give yourself a mental break.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with taking that break. Yes, things need to be fixed. Including your sanity. Drop everything and take the kids on a weekend road trip.

Or even just a day trip. Get away for a day or two. Seriously. And don't worry about what you can't control. Your DH is making his own decisions, right or wrong. Let him live

with those consequences. Please give yourself time to just be you. 

[Carol in Cal.]

It's so hard to be the strong one all by yourself, but you are doing it great.

 

Still praying for you.

[Moonhawk]

You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of! As far as I'm concerned, your dh is lucky you haven't killed him yet. I don't know of a single person who would be showing him this level of patience and understanding.

 

If anything, you're being far too nice and are putting up with far too much.

 

 

I don't think you did anything to be massively ashamed of. You are being tested to the limit. Based on your descriptions it doesn't seem he has any clue how fortunate he is to have you, and your unbelievable level of patience. Be on guard against any hint that one small action and your tender conscience about it could be twisted into meaning this is now a tit-for-tat situation where hey, we've both done things wrong, so.... Nope, no way on anything like that. I'm continuing to pray for you.

 

 

Sounds like a classic case of blame shifting to me. You have done nothing wrong and so much enormously right, it is very unfair to you.

 

The passive-aggressive person in me would sign up for the same class. (Wrong, wrong, of course, but that's my knee jerk reaction.)

 

I don't think anyone would blame you if you were to decide it's time to ask him to move out. You have made heroic efforts, but you've got to take care of yourself, too. Your children deserve at least one healthy parent.

 

(((Many hugs)))

 

 

 

Thanks.  I don't think the massive damage and shame is necessarily because I touched him as I did, because I was within acceptable bounds, but I did act more out of emotion than thinking, and could have reasonably guessed that he would take it as an attack. It's not a guilt that I hurt him or something, as much as guilt that I didn't do what was best in the situation. I know I can't always do the best, logically, but I do feel bad about not doing it this time, since it put the progress back a few steps. 

 

Thanks for assuring me it isn't as bad as I'm building it to be. I know that normal-DH wouldn't have thought twice about it, so I should stop thinking about it, too. 

 

The class, ironically, we were supposed to do together but then baby-coverage dropped out so I couldn't take it. He was bummed at first we couldn't do it together and still wants me to do it the next time it's offered. In my angrier moments I have fantasized about showing up and seeing what happened, but really I know that is better left in my head than acted upon, lol.

[Catwoman]

Thanks. I don't think the massive damage and shame is necessarily because I touched him as I did, because I was within acceptable bounds, but I did act more out of emotion than thinking, and could have reasonably guessed that he would take it as an attack. It's not a guilt that I hurt him or something, as much as guilt that I didn't do what was best in the situation. I know I can't always do the best, logically, but I do feel bad about not doing it this time, since it put the progress back a few steps.

 

Thanks for assuring me it isn't as bad as I'm building it to be. I know that normal-DH wouldn't have thought twice about it, so I should stop thinking about it, too.

 

The class, ironically, we were supposed to do together but then baby-coverage dropped out so I couldn't take it. He was bummed at first we couldn't do it together and still wants me to do it the next time it's offered. In my angrier moments I have fantasized about showing up and seeing what happened, but really I know that is better left in my head than acted upon, lol.

Maybe you did do what was best for the situation. Seriously.

 

Your dh needs to realize that all of this is painful for you, and that despite what he may want to believe, this is not all about him and what he wants. I don't think you need to always be perfectly understanding, nor that you need to feel like it's always his illness talking so you're not entitled to be angry and hurt, and that you're never allowed to express your own emotions.

 

Your dh is saying and doing some pretty terrible things. You don't need to feel guilty because you hate those things. You didn't sign up for this kind of marriage. I think you're being pretty amazing for trying to save it, because many of us wouldn't have your patience or understanding.

 

Your dh has no idea how lucky he is to have you.

 

 

Edited to add -- I am very concerned that you're feeling massive damage and shame, and I hope you will discuss this with someone because it seems like your dh is hurting you psychologically far more than you realize. You have no reason to blame yourself, and if you do, you really need to talk with someone who can help you realize that your dh is messing with your head and making you feel like you are the one at fault.

Edited May 16, 2017 by Catwoman

[TravelingChris]

Since he has admitted that he is bipolar, why isn't he on medication? Would he go to your doctor because his rapid cycling really shows that he is in a very bad way. Honestly if he ever threatens any harm to himself or to anyone, even minor harm not rising to suicide threat, I would be doing everything I could do get him committed. It is awful what is happening to you and your children. It is also awful what is happening to his mind. He desperately needs medical intervention. Medical insurance be damned. Call your insurance and see if they have case managers. A rapid cycling manic depressive is really an emergency situation. It also is a serious safety issue so I am glad that the children aren't seeing him very much.

 

I will just keep praying for you.

[Guest]

I don't know what to say; no experience re: bipolar--this thread has been an eye-opener for me.  I had no idea.  

 

Mostly, I just wanted to post here so you would know you and yours remain in my prayers.  That's all I have to offer.  

 

 

[idnib]

None of this is your fault.

 

Btw, star-crossed lovers is a common bipolar delusion.

 

Anytime he says he wants something (like the couples therapy) predicate it on him taking the medication.

 

Sending many hugs.  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[winterbaby]

You know, I wouldn't be so quick to dismiss showing up to the class. I mean, I know it's probably not the best thing to do, but just keep in mind that the reasons that's so are your own practical reasons (not wanting to chase drama), and not that you're under any kind of obligation to be hands off about your husband potentially dating. While his mental health is obviously the major factor in why he's doing this, the other person playing along is also a factor and peacefully putting yourself in her path, to reality check both of them and hopefully make her go away, is a morally valid part of the potential toolbox any time a spouse is stepping out or acting like they might.

 

You'd have to be very intentional about it, of course. And cool as a cucumber. Absolutely deadpan. "Yeah, I'm [DH's] wife... Yeah, we've been married for [years].... Yeah, he has four children, so the obligations there would obviously impact his ability to set up in another situation. In addition to his mental health struggles of course. Oh didn't he mention? Yeah, he goes through this every once in a while; at least this time he's not [particularly troubling behavior] haha! We're trying to get him help... Yeah, one of the things he does at these times is talk to different women. I just didn't want you to get the wrong idea about his availability" etc. I'm not saying this is something you necessarily should do, or even likely should do. But it may just be empowering to imagine yourself doing it. To make sure you're crystal clear that not doing it is PURELY a strategic decision you're making for yourself, not that you actually owe him or her the least bit of deference or respect in the process of incipient adultery.

[Guest]

I don't know what to say; no experience re: bipolar--this thread has been an eye-opener for me. I had no idea.

 

Mostly, I just wanted to post here so you would know you and yours remain in my prayers. That's all I have to offer.

Echoing this. I just wish there was something we could do to help you. My heart literally ached reading your update. I'm so sorry. Praying for you. And please don't beat yourself up for being "emotional." Emotions are good. You aren't a robot. You're a wife who has a pure heart that is basically being run through a garbage disposal. I don't know how you are maintaining the strength you have. Please be kinder and more forgiving to yourself.

[Seasider]

Piggybacking on what transientChris said above - could you get the medical ball rolling faster if you didn't have to wait on the insurance company? His parents are now in the loop, aren't they? Would they be willing to foot the bill for the first few appointments, until insurance would kick in?

 

As far as the class - well, maybe not that class in particular - but it would probably be good for you to keep your professional skills current, all things considered.

[maize]

What is the status with regards to getting medication for him?

Edited May 16, 2017 by maize

[Harriet Vane]

:grouphug:

 

 

 

You are doing great, and you have nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing. 

 

Just echoing the others--getting your dh on meds is a five-alarm fire. It needs to happen. The system can be spectacularly unresponsive--this must be presented as an emergency. 

 

Praying for you, glad you checked in.

[LarlaB]

Thanks. I don't think the massive damage and shame is necessarily because I touched him as I did, because I was within acceptable bounds, but I did act more out of emotion than thinking, and could have reasonably guessed that he would take it as an attack. It's not a guilt that I hurt him or something, as much as guilt that I didn't do what was best in the situation. I know I can't always do the best, logically, but I do feel bad about not doing it this time, since it put the progress back a few steps.

 

Thanks for assuring me it isn't as bad as I'm building it to be. I know that normal-DH wouldn't have thought twice about it, so I should stop thinking about it, too.

 

The class, ironically, we were supposed to do together but then baby-coverage dropped out so I couldn't take it. He was bummed at first we couldn't do it together and still wants me to do it the next time it's offered. In my angrier moments I have fantasized about showing up and seeing what happened, but really I know that is better left in my head than acted upon, lol.

Gently...you are doing amazing with all of this. You really are.

 

You don't have to be perfect or be held to an impossible standard. You are allowed to be human.

 

When dealing with a mentally ill individual in my life, I realized that I was being held (by them) to an impossible standard of caregiving and eventually started to expect that of myself as well. The mentally ill person was "allowed" to say whatever and act however (usually gross misconduct) yet I was expected to always stay calm and patient, saying the right thing and somehow always knowing how to handle everything. That was exhausting. And unfair. My person never let me forget the few times I snapped or maybe did something less than perfectly. I think everyone living with someone with mental illness understands that imbalance. I wasted energy trying so hard to "so it just right" to not inflame the situation more. And wasted energy and then feeling guilty when I wasn't able to do it all.

 

I say this NOT to heap anything more on you but to gently say you're doing great...don't be too hard on yourself or accept his harsh judgement for your humanity. You are allowed to be angry. And hurt. And exhausted. I pray you can find safe space to be those things (online is great!!).

[emmaluv+2more]

Gently...you are doing amazing with all of this. You really are.

 

You don't have to be perfect or be held to an impossible standard. You are allowed to be human.

 

When dealing with a mentally ill individual in my life, I realized that I was being held (by them) to an impossible standard of caregiving and eventually started to expect that of myself as well. The mentally ill person was "allowed" to say whatever and act however (usually gross misconduct) yet I was expected to always stay calm and patient, saying the right thing and somehow always knowing how to handle everything. That was exhausting. And unfair. My person never let me forget the few times I snapped or maybe did something less than perfectly. I think everyone living with someone with mental illness understands that imbalance. I wasted energy trying so hard to "so it just right" to not inflame the situation more. And wasted energy and then feeling guilty when I wasn't able to do it all.

 

I say this NOT to heap anything more on you but to gently say you're doing great...don't be too hard on yourself or accept his harsh judgement for your humanity. You are allowed to be angry. And hurt. And exhausted. I pray you can find safe space to be those things (online is great!!).

 

This was me as well.  Everyone kept telling me "you'll know when you're done".  I thought they were crazy, until the moment it became true and I did know.  That moment came long before the point you are at, so you are amazingly strong for making it this far.  

 

I want to tell you that it is perfectly acceptable for you to decide that you are not strong enough to carry yourself and him too.  Sometimes (often in fact) it is okay to let the other person fall in order to hold yourself up.  He will grow stronger without you, or he won't, but you will not both break.  

[displace]

(Hugs).

 

I would encourage you to do what you think is right because I have no experience with living with someone with bipolar disorder.

 

However, that behavior would have me spiraling in a downfall and I'd have to protect myself by distancing myself from that abuse. He may not be himself, but that doesn't mean you are shielded from the consequences. I hope he gets treatment soon.

[Another Lynn]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[Scarlett]

((((Hugs))))

 

I am another that thinks you did nothing wrong. I am sure you want to throttle him. You feeling slightly out of control is a good sign you are reaching your breaking point.

[Anne in CA]

You are still in my prayers. I sincerely hope you get a break at some point. I think you are doing too much now. After I had my third child I had a time when I couldn't even make dh lunch and home school and make breakfast in the morning within a reasonable time, so everything that you are doing seems insane. Praying for you. 

[FaithManor]

Hugs hugs hugs and more hugs

 

Just know that you did nothing wrong. Don't let him break you. Keep posting so we know how to uphold you, and keep your friends IRL close.

[TCB]

You are doing so amazingly well! You have nothing to reproach yourself for. I, too, continue to pray for you and your family.  :grouphug:

[Guest]

You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of! As far as I'm concerned, your dh is lucky you haven't killed him yet. I don't know of a single person who would be showing him this level of patience and understanding.

 

If anything, you're being far too nice and are putting up with far too much.

So much this. Big hugs.

[mominco]

:grouphug:

[LMD]

you didn't do anything wrong. You didn't attack him, you know that's a lie his disease is pushing, he is literally attacking your marriage and family every single day. Self defense. You are worth defending!

 

You can't be perfect through this, it's just not possible. No one can be, even under exceptionally good circumstances. Reacting like a real human in exceptionally stressful circumstances is normal and healthy. He doesn't get to be out of control AND control your normal and healthy reactions.

 

big hugs and continued prayers.

[bzymom]

.

 

When dealing with a mentally ill individual in my life, I realized that I was being held (by them) to an impossible standard of caregiving and eventually started to expect that of myself as well. The mentally ill person was "allowed" to say whatever and act however (usually gross misconduct) yet I was expected to always stay calm and patient, saying the right thing and somehow always knowing how to handle everything. That was exhausting. And unfair. My person never let me forget the few times I snapped or maybe did something less than perfectly. I think everyone living with someone with mental illness understands that imbalance. I wasted energy trying so hard to "so it just right" to not inflame the situation more. And wasted energy and then feeling guilty when I wasn't able to do it all.

 

:iagree:  :iagree:  :iagree:

 

You did not cause this.  You cannot fix this.  You must survive it with your mental health intact.

 

 

 

You have shown great restraint in your responses to the insanity of his behaviors, and I admire your ability to maintain your equilibrium.  Please take care of yourself and your children.  The collateral damage from manic depressive episodes is far-reaching and often difficult to see until you have significant distance from it.

 

 

I hope he finds the appropriate help and is responsive to medication. 

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug: 

[OneStepAtATime]

Don't let him break you.  He may not be able to help what he's doing but that doesn't mean you have to constantly be the one that HAS to behave picture perfect and always be the one to turn the other cheek and never truly fight for YOUR mental and physical health and YOUR needs.  He has a condition that will never go away.  It will cycle.  But it won't go away.  You have to find a healthier balance for you and the kids, not just for now but for the long haul.  The kids deserve a healthy home.  So do you.  Don't let his illness based responses guilt you into thinking you have done anything at all wrong.  You haven't.  Don't let him break you.

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[GinaPagnato]

This was me as well.  Everyone kept telling me "you'll know when you're done".  I thought they were crazy, until the moment it became true and I did know.  That moment came long before the point you are at, so you are amazingly strong for making it this far.  

 

I want to tell you that it is perfectly acceptable for you to decide that you are not strong enough to carry yourself and him too.  Sometimes (often in fact) it is okay to let the other person fall in order to hold yourself up.  He will grow stronger without you, or he won't, but you will not both break.  

 

This  :iagree:

[Melissa in Australia]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

you are constantly in my thoughts

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[BlessedMom]

((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))

Continuing to pray for you.

[luuknam]

I also did massive damage to the situation, and I am ashamed of it, and really don't want to mention this but I've been honest thus far. When I found out last Wednesday about the date, I did let emotions get the best of me. I put my hands on his chest when we were talking. Didn't push or hit, but did put my hands on him, as if I wanted to shake him. He says, though, that I used my nails (I don't think I did). 

 

 

Some thoughts here... you do not owe us a complete retelling of all of the details of things that you (or he, or anyone else for that matter) have done. I would suggest that if at some point you were to find yourself doing something that could be construed as assault or another criminal act, no matter how much he deserved it, no matter how relatively minor (like, just a shove or something), you do not put it into writing, especially not on a public forum like this. Leave confessions for the confessional or your therapist or w/e.

 

Aside from that, I'm not sure if I've mentioned this on this thread - I think I have not, so I'll say it (again?): You do not have to attend every argument you're invited to. I know, that can be easier said than done, but it can be helpful to try to keep in mind anyway.

 

If he's been on meds before and they were successful, and he's willing to go back on meds, you might have luck going to an urgent care (not ER) and just telling them he's bipolar and what meds work. BTDT, and gotten iirc a full month's supply, but certainly a week or more's worth. The hard part is that this requires your bipolar spouse to want to be on meds. The cost for urgent care probably varies, but for us the copay is the same as a GP ($25), and even OOP it's only like $100, which is more than worth it if you can scrounge it up somehow.

[Liz CA]

Self-care is paramount now. For yourself and your children. This is hard because you probably just want to curl up in a ball in a corner somewhere.

 

I am also wondering if it would bring reality closer to him if you asked him to move in with his parents. I understand that you may be worried if he leaves but the close proximity and the constant strain you are under verges on dangerous for you.

 

You have proven yourself to be very resilient. You have done nothing wrong. Please take care of yourself, meet friends, see a counselor, get a sitter to just take a walk around the block. Self-care, honey!

[Grover]

kia kaha :grouphug: :grouphug:

[Mergath]

Believe me, if all you did was almost-not-quite-push him, you still have the patience of a saint. One time when my dh was going through a really bad manic phase, he called me a stupid c*** in front of our daughter during one of his rage sessions. I slapped him across the face so hard he almost hit the floor. I have a few years of MMA under my belt, and he's lucky I didn't use my elbow and crack his skull open. I was so mad I was beyond rational thought at that point.

 

In hindsight I know it wasn't the best action I could have taken in that situation, but to this day I still can't bring myself to feel bad about it. ;)  We're human beings. Their crazy, nonsensical emotional states don't mean we aren't allowed to have emotions of our own. Don't let him use your humanity as justification for being a dick. 

 

And if he does try to bring up everything you've ever done wrong to explain away his behavior, mentally replace his voice with the Charlie Brown teacher voice until he changes the subject. I tuned my dh out the second he started a sentence with, "Oh yeah? Well YOU-" Because no matter how much he tried to convince both of us that I was the independent variable in our problems and he was reacting to whatever I supposedly did, deep down we both knew it was all him. Paying attention to his endless attempts at rationalization was a waste of time. It's just noise, at that point.

 

I can't remember if you said or not, but does this other woman know your dh is bipolar, currently manic, and married with kids?

[BlessedMom]

Praying for you tonight.

[BlessedMom]

((((((Hugs))))))

You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers this evening.

[Maus]

Praying for you.

[displace]

Thinking of you.

[Hedgehog]

You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of! As far as I'm concerned, your dh is lucky you haven't killed him yet. I don't know of a single person who would be showing him this level of patience and understanding.

 

If anything, you're being far too nice and are putting up with far too much.

I would tend to agree with this - except I have done exactly that - "put up" with it and stayed for the long term. I won't say I always responded right but heck, we're only human. And I don't dig the blame-fest, either. None of this is your fault - it's pretty much all about his crappy choices.

 

Much love to and prayers for you, Moonhawk. You have my support 100% no matter what you ultimately decide for your marriage. x

 

 

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[East Coast Sue]

Praying for you.

 

 

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[BlessedMom]

Thinking of you and your family and continuing to hold you all up in prayer!