Not uncomfortable at all, I don't feel singled or put on the spot whatsoever, your original post was ver gracious and obviously not trying to be condemning. And I can see how the trend could be seen as detracting from the overall community feel. If that happened, that would be regrettable. Decisions by design are usually better than decisions by accident. It's a valid topic and it's better to have a discussion on it instead of a trend/decision being just fallen into.

Ah, right, also on the kid issue: Thank you all very much for your concern and reminder on this. My oldest was the only one old enough what was going on last time 2 years ago. I'm sure the kid has some weird memories, but I did have her stay with grandparents more during that time. This time around, we are only 2-3 weeks into the spiral, and it coincided with a big work project (not a coincidence I think). We told the kids pre-project (and before the breakdown started) that we were going to be stressed for the next few weeks as we put more effort into finishing the project on time. I had accelerated their curricula and made some other changes preparing them for this -- freezer packs, pre made activities and easier lessons -- so I think they think any weirdness right now is because of that. They were also with my parents most of this past week. The deadline has been met and passed though, so any future strain won't be as easy to explain away. My DH, when regular, is very open with kids on what he is doing mental health wise -- mood journals, talking through emotions, gratefulness journals, walks, etc. I don't think he will want to address any of this with them, though, and I'm not sure how or what I should tell them. I'm open to advice! Oldest is 7, close to 8.

Re: this part of the topic, you are both kind of right, and I was writing to be a bit general so sorry for the confusion. His family would definitely go the prayer route, despite there being doctors in the family. Mental illness is seen as not asking for God's help. And, while it's true it would be easier for him if he was leaning up, so to speak, it is certainly not just a lack of faith. My family would see it as a weakness of character. Put your cowboy boots on, suck it up buttercup, grow a spine. So yeah. Not really a sympathetic crowd here, ha. Someone's mentioned going to the Church. I'm avoiding talking to my priest about this face to face, to protect my DH I think. But I do agree this is probably where I should go, or at the least I need to talk to someone. This has spiraled really quickly and I haven't reached out yet, but I should. And I'll check out the support links, thanks for that as well.

Well, as a representative of anon, I guess I should reply. I had sincerely forgotten about the rules. I saw others doing it a couple weeks back and when I had my own crisis moment, I thought of how others handled it. Board rules are not at the top of my mind right now, and it's been a while since I read them. I'd never heard of the Tibbie thing, but I've only been here maybe 2 or 3 years. So, why not use my real username? I guess a couple reasons. One, even though my particular situation isn't my fault, I still feel like it reflects badly on me. Shame, reputation, etc. It's the same reason I'm not talking about this with my neighbors or my family: I am ashamed of it, and I don't want others to think badly of me, I will want to interact with later them without that stigma. Two, I don't want this to be my life, and it is easier to pretend it isn't happening to me if "I" don't admit to it. This is a way to put a small barrier between myself and my situation. I didn't mean to make anyone feel weird or irritated at this, frankly I didn't think about how others would respond/feel about it. I put that I was a regular on my post...I'm not really sure why. I'll have to think about my motives on that. I can add my real user name I guess, or delete my post. I'll probably delete the post, given the choice. I do appreciate the replies I did get, though. eta: after reading through other responses, I can see why this could cause a problem, and why others would be put off by it. Sorry for that.

Thank you everyone for your replies, and support. I'm feeling calmer and its helping me regain some objectivity. I know this can blow up in my face at any time, but I have to keep in mind that he does have active moments of clarity and hopefully that will be enough to prevent any drastic actions on his part. And it's reminding me that I can't control the situation or his actions, which is oddly relieving as well. 2-3 months. Usually though the "lead in" is much longer, like 2 months in itself, so I don't know exactly what to expect here. I think that is why I am reacting more strongly and why I'm not sure how to handle his declarations of leaving. His last episode 2 years ago is what got him into treatment and the diagnosis, so there isn't a great trail established other than my memory. He does realize the difficulty, and realizes it during the episode as well. In calmer moments he apologizes and says he doesn't know how I put up with it. During depressive moments he says its not fair to me and he should leave so I don't have to put up with him. Not concerned about violence, towards either the kids or me. Of course, though, I'd put them first if there was any concern. His family does not know his diagnosis. We both have access to finances. He wants to spend money, but so far his main obsession has been on relationships, and money I think will only come into play if he starts to spend it pursuing that. Part of his pride in the past 2 years has been the savings he's been able to build up, and the fact that I've been able to come home because of how we maintained finances. I think this is still too much of his self image, even in his current state, that he won't put that into jeopardy. But, I'll monitor the accounts, thank you for the reminder. Also, I didn't quote the post, but I do agree that keeping it secret definitely makes it more difficult. When this episode is over I'll try to get him to tell some people so that we can have more support outside. Though, I don't know anyone in our circles that are "open" to mental illness and don't view it as a weakness. Sure, we should be the strong ones to break the taboo, but practically speaking we didn't want to deal with that. Hindsight is 20/20 though, it'd be nice to have real live people who know his regular self that could be helping us through this.

No one else knows about the diagnosis, so that makes it tricky. and this particular episode is being characterized by a bit of paranoia and anger that other people have made life choices for him. For example, I forced him to get married. My parents forced him to buy a house. I forced him to have kids. His parents forced him to be responsible as a teenager. His brothers talked him into marrying me. His friends convinced him its normal to have one sexual partner for your life. There is cognitive dissonance in that he is hyper focusing on what society says is okay (he's cherry picking here, of course) on open relationships, having affairs, being able to travel, spend a lot of money, a limit on how many kids are acceptable, while saying he is tired of having other people make choices for him. To be fair, and not to demonize him, there are problems we need to address, and have been working on constructively and together. Right now, though, he doesn't want to work on anything or fix anything or even make it better. He just wants to leave. He acknowledges that he is trapped, even if he left, he's still have to pay child support, his family would disown him, he'd be a pariah here, and he would miss the kids sometimes. But, all of these thoughts seem to just make him even more angry and more determined to go through with it, so that he feels listened to and that he is in control of his life.

Re: psychiatrist/ psychologist: our insurance changed twice in the past year so his treatment has been interrupted. When we got new insurance in January he immediately started the process to qualify for mental health treatment. He had 1 prelim appt but no actual treatment -- I think the earliest he could get in is 3 weeks from now. It's scheduled. But, now he is mad at psychologists/psychiatrists for not helping him, they should have done more, they could have listened to him instead of judge him, they don't know what they're doing, they are trying to force him to be someone he's not, etc. So idk if he will go thru with appt. Hopefully the worst of the episode will have passed by then and he will see the need for treatment again. His field is in art, he has refused medication in the past because he doesn't want it to affect his work. And in the past it hasn't been this serious. On the outside, most people would probably see a guy in a mid life crisis who wants to leave his wife. Don't know if I can get him committed for that, ha. At best I'd be seen as biased.

I'm a regular poster, but would like to keep this side of my life separate from my public persona. My DH is in the middle of a meltdown. He has manic depression and has refused medication. We go through this every 2 years or so. This one has come on very suddenly compared to past experiences. 4 weeks ago he said he was afraid he was going to do something stupid. 3 weeks ago he said he started to act out (contact women), but was actively trying to stop the snowball and think logically through it. Now we are in the thick of it. He is talking about leaving me and the kids (4). He says he never should have gotten married, he isn't supposed to be married, and just followed what he was "supposed to do" and didn't feel like he had a choice. He feels trapped and does;t see himself as a dad. He wants to date, meet new people, and wants permission. He asked directly, I said no. So, he is saying he's not afraid to leave and is tired of trying to fight "who he really is." He says he knows in the past he has changed his mind, but this time he really means it. He says he has "never" been happy and is "always" thinking of leaving. Well, when he is stable (so basically the past 2 years) he has said the opposite and in February was actually happy with how much progress career and family wise he's made when he doesn't have to deal with this. He continually says the only thing that can hold him back and keep him from succeeding is "that stuff" (i.e. his breakdowns). No one else knows of his diagnosis. While they may see his temper fluctuate, he's pretty good at acting logical around others. My parents have never liked him and my mom yelled at him 2 weeks ago -- he yelled back (partially 10 years pent up of a difficult MIL, partially he was already on the downward spiral). Now she thinks he is, to quote, the devil incarnate, insane, a menace to society, and she wouldn't cross the street to save his life. (my relationship with her is a post in itself) So, I can't get any support there, though they would be thrilled if he actually did leave and prove them right. The fact that it is a mental illness holds no water with them and they would probably try to take the kids from me if he did leave but then came back after the episode. The kids are mostly shielded from this -- he is actually nicer if anything right now with them; I think he is trying to justify he's a good person because "look how good he is with the kids" so it can't be a bad thing he wants to leave. I don't want to put them through this, though, and if he does leave, permanently or just a few weeks, I'm not sure how I would react. If it was just me, sure, I can cope. Idk how it will affect them, though. I made a mistake this morning and got engaged in a conversation with him emotionally, saying that he isn't acting himself and when he says "life is pointless" then he wasn't himself. I reminded him of his diagnosis. Now he is seeing it as proof I don't care about him, don't take his needs and emotions seriously, and "just see him as some type of lab rat." I know its not my fault, I'm not the problem here, but I don't want to give him fuel to psych himself up to leave. The last thing he said was "F it, I'm tired of jumping thru hoops". In between these heated conversations, he is making plans for us to go to a work conference together in June and is talking excitedly about some projects we just got. And how to divide up the work. And buying me flowers. So I know we're in the middle of an episode here. Idk what I'm looking for here. Mostly I need to vent. Maybe I need reassurance I'm not crazy, too. Please don't tell me to get a divorce. We're Catholic but when he's like this he sees the Church as punishing him and as my way to control him or something. He may seek counseling as he comes out of the spiral, but anything I suggest or recommend will automatically be pushed against. I'm tired of this. I love him, he is a good guy when he's himself. He's a good dad. He's even a good husband. But when we go through this, I just don't know. My consolation is that eventually it will end. But what will the carnage be?