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immediate family dysfunction and Christmas (sad) ...

bettyandbob

By bettyandbob,
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bettyandbob

bettyandbob

Posted
Posted

I'm talking about within your immediate family. Obviously, with your extended family you can just say no to visiting. 

 

One of my dc has a lot of problems with Christmas. This results in a lot of attacks directed at me through the holiday. It's pretty awful. It happens yearly. Sometime mid December he will become more and more abrasive. He will send horrible texts and emails. I have his email and phone blocked for this reason. It will escalate through Christmas Day. Dh has always denied this happens or said I provoked it. Last year dh finally witnessed how bad it was. Dh also  recognized the traumatic affect on our other dc too. 

 

This happens yearly. We do not know why. We had tried many approaches to avoid this. After last year dh agreed that I should go away at least for 12/24-25. dd wants to go to and we will take younger ds with us. We are going to an amusement park holiday thing overnight, staying at a nice hotel and coming home after a late brunch. We have not told older ds we are doing this. I don't plan to. dh hates amusement parks and doesn't want ds to feel abandoned so he will stay. I plan to leave an apple pie for ds (favorite dessert) and let dh figure out how they should handle eating. 

 

This is an extreme measure. One thing that makes the situation strange is that on 12/26, ds acts like nothing happened. I am usually so shell shocked it takes me a week to recover. I really need to avoid going through this at all. We are also keenly aware that these incidents are having an effect on dd. And we want her to have decent memories. ds recently turned 22. dh would never agree to telling ds he could not be in our house, so this is not an option. But I don't want dd to decide to never have anything to do with family again when she finishes school. 

 

If this overnight trip works out, we might plan a longer,4-7 day trip before Christmas next year. 

 

I am sad about this plan. I am sad we can't do "family" the other families do it. We used to have a lot of fun family traditions (a big gingerbread house building, family pajamas, homemade ornaments, activities), but we have slowly let go of most of them as ds attacked each one. I think dd misses some of these things. I don't feel like decorating. I suspect I won't. 

 

Please do not respond, telling me how to "solve" this. Even if you knew all the issues involved I don't you could present a solution that would be helpful. I'm just a little sad as we go into next month. I am grateful we got through Thanksgiving with no major issues, but sad in anticipation of Christmas. 

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maize

maize

Posted
Posted

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

That sounds really tough, I can understand why you have decided to go away and I really hope this turns out to be a nice Christmas for you and the children who will be with you.

 

People are messy and irrational, and that makes families messy. I don't know what we can do except make the best of the circumstances we have.

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Guest

Guest

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I think you have to do what works for your family, and I think this sounds like a good solution to your issue. Perhaps this could be the beginning of something that works for everyone. I'm sorry you have to go through this.

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maize

maize

Posted
Posted (edited)

I would be concerned about your older ds's mental health--have you noticed any other signs of fluctuating moods and behavior? My off the cuff guess would be that he has some sort of anxiety associated with Christmas, either linked to past experience(s) (even though they might be nothing that would appear traumatic from the outside, experience being entirely subjective) or just something that has somehow developed over the years. A good therapist might be able to help him but I know how impossible it can be to get an adult to seek therapy or other help.

Edited by maize
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Anne in CA

Anne in CA

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Posted

That does sound awful. We had some issues with my oldest a few years ago that made me wonder if I was going to have to cut her out of my life for my own sanity as well, and it was so painful. Plus, who do you talk to about such things??? There is no mental health facility where I live and discussing such a thing with a counselor would be impossible. I didn't want to put too much about it on the board, though I occasionally vented anyway without too much detail. 

 

It's really hard to have a child that you may have to cut out of your life. It's one thing when it's a parent, that's hard already, but a child??? And yes, for many years dh did not see her stunts as manipulation when I did so it took a long time for him to "get it" too.

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Janeway

Janeway

Posted
Posted (edited)

How old is your son? Can he just go somewhere? 

 

Sorry you are going through this. 

 

I am guessing he has a mental health problem. But most mental health issues are not attached to any sort of "experience." It is just brain chemistry. I would think a personality disorder or mood disorder.

Edited by Janeway
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Mimm

Mimm

Posted
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I'm so sorry.

 

I'm curious, have you tried to ask him afterwards why he does this? I know you said he acts like nothing happened but you've got the emails as proof that something very much did happen. Does he try to sabotage other holidays?

 

I would do the same as you and leave. But I think it's sad your husband won't side with you and uninvite your son. I know that seems extreme and I can't imagine doing that, but wow. He's 22, and it's ok to insist on not being verbally abused by him. Does he treat anyone else like this?

 

:grouphug: :grouphug:  I hope you and your other kids have a fun and peaceful holiday.

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bettyandbob

bettyandbob

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As I said, right now we will not consider telling ds has to go somewhere else. Maybe it will be something to consider in the long future, but that won't happen now. Lots of stuff involved in that decision I don't need to post.

 

So, my focus will be on getting my other dc away from the problem, hopefully doing something fun in the process. 

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East Coast Sue

East Coast Sue

Posted
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I have to deal with something similar and all I can offer is hugs and reassurance that you are doing what is best for everyone.  I can totally relate to the "right" decision not fitting within other people's idea of a normal family- sometimes that's just how it is. I'm sorry that you have to split up for a few days but I think you are completely right to do it. (((hugs)))

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AK_Mom4

AK_Mom4

Posted
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Hugs, Diana.  I grew up in a house with someone who hated Christmas time and sabotaged it for others.  I'm glad you have a plan for this holiday season and I hope you have a restful mini-vacation and lots of fun.  I totally get the "not-doing-family" thing - it really is hard!

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maize

maize

Posted
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I don't think it is ok for your husband to stay with your son instead of you all at Christmas, unless you all are thinking son is a danger and needs to be watched.

???

 

OP stated that her husband hates amusement parks. He also loves his son and doesn't want him to be alone.

 

This is a family making the best they can of a difficult situation. I don't see why they need to be told they're doing it wrong.

 

If the son has a mental illness of some kind, it is totally reasonable for family members to protect themselves from negative impacts as best they can. But if is also reasonable for those who feel themselves in a position to offer compassion and support to the young man to do that.

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Xahm

Xahm

Posted
Posted

I don't think it is ok for your husband to stay with your son instead of you all at Christmas, unless you all are thinking son is a danger and needs to be watched.

I think it's ok for your family to do whatever works for your family.

I hope you have a great time and I pray for future healing.

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bettyandbob

bettyandbob

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Posted (edited)

I don't think it is ok for your husband to stay with your son instead of you all at Christmas, unless you all are thinking son is a danger and needs to be watched.

 

 

My dh's main goal is to make sure ds knows he is loved too. He will do this by simply being present at home. They could decide to go out to eat or go to movies together. Most likely they will just be home. dh will be there for ds to interact with if he wants such interaction. 

 

Keep in mind you don't know everything about what my family needs or the history of my dc. We are making the best decisions we can. 

 

I will ask you to refrain from further comment. 

 

Edited by Diana P.
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gardenmom5

gardenmom5

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:grouphug:   I'm so sorry - is he willing to talk to a counselor to figure out what his "deal" is with christmas?  I can't imagine this makes him happy either.  glad your dh finally saw enough to convince him it was real.  maybe he's the one who needs to go on vacation at christmas.

 

I think you're doing the right thing for your dd by getting her away.  growing  up - christmas was my sister, my mother and my grandmother  saying nasty things to each other and glaring.   there was no love.  I look back at pictures - and they are ALL, my mother  and grandmother glaring at my crying sister.

 

when I reached adulthood - christmas was on my terms. there were years my mother and (especially) grandmother were not welcome.  my sister started going away on vacation at a B&B where they could x-cntry ski. at first to avoid them, and later becasue that was her own family tradition and she enjoyed it.  (she's even talking about moving there when her dh retires.)

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lmrich

lmrich

Posted
Posted

That is so hard.

 

You did not ask for advice, so I am just sharing an experience that I have had recently involving my son who has been really unpleasant lately. 

 

We have had a positive experience working with a family therapist who was able to get my son to talk about some serious issues. I never would have thought it would have been so productive. We got a lot accomplished in just three sessions. 

 

I truly wish you and your daughter have a beautiful holiday at the amusement park. 

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Tap

Tap

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Posted

I get it.  DD10 struggles with anticipation.  She also doesn't have much mid-ground between stressed/frustrated and anger.  The combination of the two parts of her personality means that she really struggles around holidays and simple emotions comes out as anger/screaming/cussing/property damage/.

 

We have started doing similar things as you, solely to protect the holidays for the rest of the family. We don't want her to be left out. We want her there, but we now realize that if we want any normalcy at all...we need to do it this way.

 

Fortunately for us, she sees her bio-dad weekly  (dd10 is biologically my great-niece). We have started doing a few things with just the other kids on those nights she is away.  Like having two Christmas trees.  We will decorate one tree together as the whole 5 of us. The other we decorate, while see is gone (DH, DS, DD18 and myself) and then most likely go out to a holiday dinner with just the four of us.  We have also started opening up some presents on Christmas eve after she goes to bed. Those hours of quiet, fun holiday celebration with just my non-stressed out kids is pure bliss for me.  I can't buy her as many presents as the rest of the family, so this makes the difference less noticeable.  (She doesn't play with toys really and doesn't like practical gifts like clothes, so she is very hard to buy for--and has a full Christmas at bio-dads too).  

 

When she was younger, I tried to include her in everything because it seems really odd to leave on child out of holiday events.  But as she got older and the disruptions and outburst got more unrelenting and predictable, I have decided that my older kids need some bliss too. I am sure that at some point in her life she will be angry at me for purposefully leaving her out of somethings, but it isn't fair to the rest of us, to have her ruin everyone else's days with her outbursts. 

 

I think that your solution sounds very good. He still has someone at home with him, and hopefully since you seem to be the target, he will be happier at home with you gone.  DD10 is like that. I am her biggest outlet for her feelings, so she spews more when I am around.  When she is at home with just DH, without me, she can hold it all together.  She will need to blow up later when I am home, but at least she will do it all at once, instead of just being miserable all day.  AND, your other kids can be completely protected from his misery.  I love the idea that you are going away to make unique memories with them.  Something that will remain untainted, so when they think of the amusement park at Christmas, they will have a perfect blissful memory of a great weekend.  Make sure to block everyone's phones from his phone number so none of you get targeted with hateful texts, and enjoy a great weekend away.

 

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Incognito

Incognito

Posted
Posted

Sounds like what I've been learning about in our adoption classes on childhood trauma.  It sounds like, for whatever reason, Christmas is a trigger for your child and they are showing their grieving through anger towards you.  I'm sorry - it must be very hard all around.  

 

Your solution sounds very loving to all parties involved.  I hope it is the start of new traditions that can make for a more positive holiday time.

 

Hugs.

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Valley Girl

Valley Girl

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I'm so sorry you're dealing with this situation. I applaud your effort to protect your younger children and give them happy memories of the holiday despite older son's issues. That's important for all of you. Not everyone would have the courage you're showing in saying "enough." Even though going away is not what you might wish for, I hope you have a wonderful, stress-free time and that the quieter time at home is beneficial for your DS, too. You deserve some peace in the season of peace.

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SereneHome

SereneHome

Posted
Posted

Thank you everyone. It is good to hear others understand that sometimes families have to act very different from expectations.

 

I know it's OK to be different. It helps to hear ya'll agree that it's OK. 

 

Not exactly the same thing, but....

 

Both, my husband and I come from very traditional families.  Traditional in a sense of no divorces, no step siblings, etc.  And all the holidays were always celebrated together - mom, dad, kids.

 

Well, this year is the first year that my husband and kids are celebrating Thanksgiving without me bc they are at my IL's house and I do NOT go to my IL's house.  Even for holidays.  And my husband really wants to celebrate at least some holidays at his parents house.

 

I wasn't born in US, so Thanksgiving doesn't mean the same thing to me as it does to my husband.  He loves it.  It's one of his most favorite holidays and he LOVES it to be in his parents house. 

 

I am sure some people wouldn't understand and some eyebrows might be raised, but we discussed it and it was the best decision for us a whole.

 

So, all this to say - hugs to you and I understnad.  I hope your Christmas is wonderful and as best as it could be under the circumstances!

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jelbe5

jelbe5

Posted
Posted (edited)

I am so sorry. While I dont understand your exact situation I know life can be challenging as our now adult son with autism can still exhibit behavior problems. I find the hoilday season stressful as I cant always anticipate what will set him off. He was great on Thanksgiving but had a meltdown at home today for no particular reason. So now I am rethinking plans I wanted to make re taking everyone downtown Chicago, etc. and feeling sad, wondering if things will get easier, etc. I want to let you know you are not alone, and it is sad to feel you cant have a "normal" holiday because of circumstances, but your plan sounds good and it is important to take care of yourself and the rest of your family. Hugs.

Edited by jelbe5
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dirty ethel rackham

dirty ethel rackham

Posted
Posted

:grouphug:

 

You have to do what works for your family and protect those memories.  We have some similar issues with K.  We have to put up the tree when K is out of the house because they get irritated, make snide comments, and end up getting hostile.  We always have to have a back-up plan for every holiday because their mental illness can make everyone miserable. 

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mommyoffive

mommyoffive

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Just sending a hug.  Holidays are hard and sometimes family makes it even harder.

 

You and your dh sound like you have put lots of thought into what is best for all your children.  I wish you peace this year.  I hope that the new traditions bring happiness to everyone. 

 

I am currently struggling with some family drama.  It sucks.  So just a hug sent to you.

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Dmmetler

Dmmetler

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Also, just to reassure you-we have done many amusement park overnights over Christmas. It can be a busy day, but they really do put on the magic, with lots of special shows and activities, even beyond what they normally have. It really can be a very, very special couple of days. I suggest getting a meal plan and prepaying for as much as you can, just because it makes it easier to just relax and enjoy it when you can simply say "yes" and not have to weigh costs. A gift card or money on the wrist band ticket makes a nice gift for kids to be able to pick out something special, too. It is not the same as Christmas at home, but can be a very special gift.

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bettyandbob

bettyandbob

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Posted (edited)

Also, just to reassure you-we have done many amusement park overnights over Christmas. It can be a busy day, but they really do put on the magic, with lots of special shows and activities, even beyond what they normally have. It really can be a very, very special couple of days. I suggest getting a meal plan and prepaying for as much as you can, just because it makes it easier to just relax and enjoy it when you can simply say "yes" and not have to weigh costs. A gift card or money on the wrist band ticket makes a nice gift for kids to be able to pick out something special, too. It is not the same as Christmas at home, but can be a very special gift.

 

I'm not headed to Orlando (I wish). We are going to a much smaller place, Hershey. It is not a long drive from our home, so that makes it easy to do. The kids with me will be 19 and 15. The 15 yo has intellectual disabilities. The three of us went to Universal a year ago and learned the 15 yo had overcome his fear of thrill rides. So, he and his sister will get an afternoon of rides at Hershey. Then we will do one of those festival of lights things they have there. The hotel has a water park too. The amusement park is only open 12-5 so I don't think looking at their meal plans makes sense. I did meal plans at Universal and that was great. 

 

This will be very good for my young ds. My dd went away to college this fall and he has been unhappy. He is used to doing stuff (camping, movies, travel) with her. It would be nice for him to go on a little adventure with her. 

Edited by Diana P.
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Lisa R.

Lisa R.

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OP, I commend you for looking at this holiday differently and doing what is best for your whole family. You are making a non traditional choice and creating new memories. Good for you!

 

Honestly, maybe your ds will appreciate being home with just his dad. Whatever sets him off about Christmas may make this holiday more peaceful for him. You're also putting a boundary in place for you and your two other kids. Good. For. You.

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FaithManor

FaithManor

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OP, life is hard. Do not feel guilty for doing what is best for everyone.

 

Do to my mother's husband's issues, we are very much limiting time with them. They resent the heck out of me for it, but it is absolutely what is best for my kids and my marriage.

 

Do not feel bad about it. You are doing the best you can in a difficult situation.

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