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immediate family dysfunction and Christmas (sad) ...

bettyandbob

By bettyandbob,
in The Chat Board

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MedicMom

MedicMom

Posted
Posted

Also, I was only feeling bad for all you are going through and knew my post was short and thought maybe I should come back to the board to clarify. But I hadn't gotten around to it before I got multiple emails about how rude you were. It is not ok to treat someone that way. If you don't want to air your problems on a public forum that everyone in the world with an internet connection has access to, then don't. But don't attack someone who tried to be supportive and who gave valid, mainstream, commonly accepted advice.

Valid, mainstream, commonly accepted advice works great with neurotypical, mentally healthy people. OP isn't living in that world.

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bettyandbob

bettyandbob

Posted
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Posted

I am not sure how asking someone to refrain from further comment is an attack, when I've explained there are details behind the decision I am not posting.

 

I wish I could block a post. So many of you have been very supportive. I guess I'll go back to being sad because I apparently don't know anything about parenting. And here I was happy we had a nice family dinner out before the older two go back to college tomorrow. I must have imagined that.

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JustEm

JustEm

Posted
Posted

I am not sure how asking someone to refrain from further comment is an attack, when I've explained there are details behind the decision I am not posting.

 

I wish I could block a post. So many of you have been very supportive. I guess I'll go back to being sad because I apparently don't know anything about parenting. And here I was happy we had a nice family dinner out before the older two go back to college tomorrow. I must have imagined that.

You didn't attack her. Your response was perfectly fine. Please don't let her overreaction bring you down. Focus on your nice dinner out with your family and know you know more than any of us what is best for your family.

 

Don't question your parenting skills because of one poster who doesn't know your life.

 

Hershey sounds like a great place to be for Christmas. We've been twice since it isn't too far from us and have enjoyed it quite a bit.

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maize

maize

Posted
Posted

Diana, please just ignore the things Janeway is saying; they don't merit a response.

 

You are the expert on your family--you're choosing a thoughtful path that gives your family a chance at a nice Christmas. I sincerely hope that all goes well for you and that each and every member of your family comes out of the holiday season a bit more refreshed and healthy and ready to tackle the new year.

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bettyandbob

bettyandbob

Posted
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Posted (edited)

WTF!

 

I'm not going to give my résumé or list all that we've been through. But seriously, I've actually worked professionally related to this stuff, I've also involved plenty of professionals in our family's life. I've been very conscious of sibling impact and done many things over the years.

 

To explain the situation would mean adding details to the electronic footprint on my dc. I try not to put out all (or even part) of what is necessary to understand on a public forum. It's not fair to my dc to make such information public.

 

Please stop assuming stuff, when you don't have the details with which to draw conclusions.

Edited by Diana P.
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maize

maize

Posted
Posted

Janeway, you are making so many egregious assumptions about this family I am feeling embarrassed on your behalf.

 

Life is rarely as black-and-white, with clear and obvious answers, as you seem to be presuming.

 

In any case, you've now spoken your piece--multiple times. If it were going to have some kind of beneficial effect it has had its chance. I strongly recommend following your own declared intention and bowing out of the conversation.

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TechWife

TechWife

Posted
Posted

Also...I am ashamed of every single person on this board that says it is okay for you to be abused. AND....no counselor, doctor, neurologist, worth a penny, will ever tell you "it is important that parents stand together, unless your child has a disability, in which case, divided is good too." No, when you have a child with special needs, whether it is ASD or Schizophrenia or anything, it is all the more important to stand together.

.

First, no one on this board has ever said it's okay for someone to be abused. EVER.

 

Second, YOU DONT HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT! Therapists give wide and varied advice to families based on their knowledge of the situation and they most certainly do recommend that children in a family be given what they need, including time away from stressful situations and people.

 

Third, parents who work together to decide what is best for their family ARE standing together.

 

I just need to say it again - YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT!

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madteaparty

madteaparty

Posted
Posted

Also, I was only feeling bad for all you are going through and knew my post was short and thought maybe I should come back to the board to clarify. But I hadn't gotten around to it before I got multiple emails about how rude you were. It is not ok to treat someone that way. If you don't want to air your problems on a public forum that everyone in the world with an internet connection has access to, then don't. But don't attack someone who tried to be supportive and who gave valid, mainstream, commonly accepted advice.

You didn't offer advice. You said "this is not ok" and left. Came back to rant how unfairly *you* had been treated.
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maize

maize

Posted
Posted

First, no one on this board has ever said it's okay for someone to be abused. EVER.

 

Second, YOU DONT HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT! Therapists give wide and varied advice to families based on their knowledge of the situation and they most certainly do recommend that children in a family be given what they need, including time away from stressful situations and people.

 

Third, parents who work together to decide what is best for their family ARE standing together.

 

I just need to say it again - YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT!

Yes to all of this, especially the third point.

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SKL

SKL

Posted
Posted

I think you have a good plan and I hope it works out for you.

 

Your husband is also doing the right thing IMO.

 

I completely disagree that it's abusive for a dad not to spend Christmas with his wife and kids.  It happens in many situations and it's not a big deal.  Perfect is in Heaven.

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fraidycat

fraidycat

Posted
Posted

I am not sure how asking someone to refrain from further comment is an attack, when I've explained there are details behind the decision I am not posting.

 

I wish I could block a post. So many of you have been very supportive. I guess I'll go back to being sad because I apparently don't know anything about parenting. And here I was happy we had a nice family dinner out before the older two go back to college tomorrow. I must have imagined that.

:grouphug:

 

For the first time, ever in my life, on this forum or any other I've been on in the past 15+ years, I reported a non-spam post to a moderator.

 

Janeway is so far out of line in this thread, she can't even see the line anymore.

 

I'm sorry you had to read that crap.

 

:grouphug: I hope you can ignore the BS and glean the good stuff you need right now.

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fraidycat

fraidycat

Posted
Posted (edited)

I know we used to be able to block people - (I admit, there was one person I blocked.) - but I can't figure out how to do it, so I'm wondering if that feature was changed. anyone know?

It's still available

When not in mobile mode, so if you're on a phone you have to click for full version at the bottom of the screen, then click on your username drop-down menu, manage ignore prefs, add the username and live in peace and low blood-pressure.

Edited by fraidycat
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Guest

Guest

Posted
Posted (edited)

The ignore function is still there. I added to my extremely long ignore list just a few days ago. You have to be in desktop mode to access it.

 

OP/Diana, you've gotten a lot of valid support in this thread and I pray you focus on that and not on the ONE naysayer. You have enough to deal with without allowing negativity into your life. Just block it out.

Edited by Kinsa
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ktgrok

ktgrok

Posted
Posted

Those of us with complicated family get it. We do. You do what works, not what looks good on paper. And that's hard, but it's part of being a parent. If this works, hallelujah! 

 

My ASD son couldn't handle the busyness, the anticipation, the change in routine, or the surprises. Ugh, surprises! And of course, the surprises are MY favorite part. Ugh. But for him we FINALLY learned to limit how much time we actually celebrated, started letting him know exactly what presents he was getting, limited time with extended family, etc etc. And it really helped. In your situation I'd ignore the holidays entirely with him. Just ignore them. If you give gifts, don't use christmas paper, etc. 

 

But whatever you do, you have our support. Good luck. 

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bolt.

bolt.

Posted
Posted

I thought you would be getting enough support for this decision -- which is *CLEARLY* wise, gracious and very, very appropriate in response to the situation you are living with.

 

Then I saw that someone here thinks that organizing your family into two sensible groups for holiday harmony is unethical. Seriously. Read that sentence. What kind of person thinks that?

 

So, add my vote to, "Of course you can do it that way!" -- I'm sorry you are in this painful situation. I'm glad you have a solution. I'm sorry you were unjustly and illogically attacked here. I hope you still feel safe enough to get the support you need from this thread.

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City Mouse

City Mouse

Posted
Posted

I want to give one more bit of support.

Lots of families are not together on holidays for many different reasons, and you have very good reasons!

After watching a inlaws family go through something similar, and the trauma caused to the "normal" siblings, I applaud you for doing what you can to take care of all your children.

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sassenach

sassenach

Posted
Posted

I am not sure how asking someone to refrain from further comment is an attack, when I've explained there are details behind the decision I am not posting.

 

I wish I could block a post. So many of you have been very supportive. I guess I'll go back to being sad because I apparently don't know anything about parenting. And here I was happy we had a nice family dinner out before the older two go back to college tomorrow. I must have imagined that.

There is an "ignore" setting which will make all of her posts invisible. I use it liberally on this website and it is quite lovely.

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gardenmom5

gardenmom5

Posted
Posted

Those of us with complicated family get it. We do. You do what works, not what looks good on paper. And that's hard, but it's part of being a parent. If this works, hallelujah! 

 

My ASD son couldn't handle the busyness, the anticipation, the change in routine, or the surprises. Ugh, surprises! And of course, the surprises are MY favorite part. Ugh. But for him we FINALLY learned to limit how much time we actually celebrated, started letting him know exactly what presents he was getting, limited time with extended family, etc etc. And it really helped. In your situation I'd ignore the holidays entirely with him. Just ignore them. If you give gifts, don't use christmas paper, etc. 

 

But whatever you do, you have our support. Good luck. 

 

1ds was like that.  surprises were more than he could deal with.  he would melt down in the days/weeks ahead.  what worked - was telling him "yes - you are getting the snuffy bear.  yes, you are getting the ___".  he immediately calmed down, and was perfectly fine waiting until christmas to open it.

 

later when we'd have projects he had to do to earn a particular item, i had to buy it and actually have it on hand  so he would know it was there.  

 

dudeling (my diagnosed aspie) "I hate surprises" would love to know what his gifts  are  - but he's still not as uptight as his brother.

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mamaraby

mamaraby

Posted
Posted

I'm not headed to Orlando (I wish). We are going to a much smaller place, Hershey. It is not a long drive from our home, so that makes it easy to do. The kids with me will be 19 and 15. The 15 yo has intellectual disabilities. The three of us went to Universal a year ago and learned the 15 yo had overcome his fear of thrill rides. So, he and his sister will get an afternoon of rides at Hershey. Then we will do one of those festival of lights things they have there. The hotel has a water park too. The amusement park is only open 12-5 so I don't think looking at their meal plans makes sense. I did meal plans at Universal and that was great.

 

This will be very good for my young ds. My dd went away to college this fall and he has been unhappy. He is used to doing stuff (camping, movies, travel) with her. It would be nice for him to go on a little adventure with her.

Not that you need my approval, but that sounds like a lovely, and special way to celebrate the holiday! We've traveled over the holidays a few times and the kids have many fond memories.

 

It's ok to do something different. It's ok to make new memories. It's ok to divide and conquer. It's ok to do what works best for your family even if someone else thinks it's the worst idea ever.

 

Sorry that things had to go that way. It's perfectly understandable to be sad about it even when you know you're doing the right thing.

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