Thanks for your discussion! (DELETED)

[umsami]

Are they getting married so they can have TeA without guilt?  If not that, why? 

 

What does she want to do? How easy is it to pursue that degree at colleges/universities near where he's likely to be stationed?  Has she been accepted to college yet? Is she starting this fall? If so, where?  What are the transfer implications/difficulties?

 

Most people I know who got married that young, did not make it.  They grew into different people.  I do know two very happy marriages though, one where they were middle school and high school sweethearts.  But, they both waited to marry after they finished school.  They were just together that entire time. 

 

 

[FaithManor]

I married at 20, but I had my first bachelor's degree out of the way because I graduated high school at 16 and began college full time. DH was nearly 24 when we married. He didn't propose until he had secured a good job with insurance benefits since I was planning on staying in school to complete another degree and would not be working.

 

Maturity is the key. For my own kids, I am not certain I would be thrilled because I think it is tougher financially for a young couple starting out than it used to be. Rent/COL is much higher as a percentage of income than they used to be, and inflation has soared while wages have stagnated. So I'm a big fan these days of both individuals having their post-high school education/training out of the way and maybe a year or two of work or more to save some money and be more fully aware of the financial challenges they face.

 

That said, my nephew married at 18 straight out of high school. His wife was 20. He went into the military and after six months of marriage was deployed for a year. They handled everything beautifully and have a wonderful relationship. I think they were very mature, and it helped her that she was raised in a military family so having experience multiple deployments by her dad and single parenting by her mom as well as the moving from base to base situation, she knew what she was getting herself into. I am sure that helped. However, his wife did not want to finish a bachelor's degree. She had her cosmetology license and chose to get her EKG tech and phlebotomy licenses while he was deployed. So finishing the education she wanted was not an issue. In the case of my cousin who married her Air Force husband when she was just 17, though she took classes faithfully for five years and many times full time, she never completed even a two year degree because he was re-stationed so often that the constant moving disrupted her education so much she couldn't get all the classes she needed. That has been her one regret. However, they have been married 29 years and have a great relationship. So her regret is a wistful one, a "I wish I could have completed it" one, but not a "I wish I hadn't married him when I was that young" kind of thing.

 

Then there are my parents. Both 18 when they married and he went into the Air Force. First baby at 20. Sigh....I used to think that they were okay. As it turns out my parents were geniuses at putting on a good front for everyone else and since my mom believed that divorce was a sin, she wouldn't pull the plug. Now, my brother, sister, and I can see how bad it was for both of them because they weren't ready, weren't mature enough, and in reality my mom is the one that suffered. They've been married 54 years, and I wish I could say it was a great 54 years, or decent, or even solid. It was an act for everyone else. My mom has been fairly miserable and quite emotionally abused and tightly controlled  by him.

 

Mostly this though is just like the adult kids moving in together unmarried thread on the college board. The bottom line is that they are adults and will make their own decisions period. You can make your family expectations known - things like, we expect married couples to have a financial plan in place that barring emergencies, health, unforeseen circumstances, you can live on your own, or whatever. But you need to choose wisely how to express those concerns and what to do in terms of relationship. Can she visit you when he is deployed? Would she feel comfortable or will the words and actions that have transpired indicate to her that she is unwelcome or expected to survive emotionally on her own?

 

Thoughts to ponder.

 

Believe me. I get it. One of our honorary daughters - as Nan would put it, one of our couch surfers - is getting married now. She just graduated high school. He is 21 and not out of college. She got all moon pie for him and never bothered to go take her testing for her cosmetology license, and now faces the need to to get a job to help support him through school, and will be working for minimum wage at Walmart when she could have worked at a salon in the area for more if she'd completed her training and procured her license. Lesson one. But, we've tried to be supportive because it doesn't seem like there is any value in any other response. He proposed, they planned the wedding, blah blah blah, however we knew there would be problems on the horizon when we found out he didn't think to apply for married housing/apartment at the college until two months before the wedding and then couldn't get a single bedroom apartment because they were all full. DUH! So they had to take a two bedroom and the rent is $200.00 more per month which they are going to have a very, very hard time affording. Doesn't bode well.

 

So I guess from my experience, just taking it in as I have friends who married young, and friends who married in their mid-twenties to their mid-thirties, its a pretty mixed bag. Some great. Some okay. Some really bad.

 

In terms of the husband in the OP's case, I will say that in our family, military service has caused those frontal lobes to mature pretty quickly. I am always amazed at how much more grounded the 18 year olds in our family are after basic training than before. In my dad's case, there were other mitigating factors so I'm pretty certain that if he'd waited until he was 30 to marry, he would probably have still treated his wife the same way he treated my mom.

[BlsdMama]

She can take classes wherever he's stationed - at least the first two years.

 

But, my experience colors my perspective.

 

I was (barely) 19 when we got married.

He was 23.

I wanted college but dropped out shortly after to work and raise our DD. (He was supportive though, still is now that I am back in school twenty years later.) ;)
He did work and go to school until he finished his degree.

 

I think what you need in a marriage is love, respect, and work ethic, imo.  As long as they've demonstrated those things, I think they are golden.

 

I think we'd all like the perfect scenario for our kids.  Despite knowing this, I'm still applying some pressure to our own kiddo to consider finishing school for both of them before marriage. However, as they have amply demonstrated the above.... I'm inclined to recognize their adult status, kwim?   Because they've obviously earned it.

 

ETA, shortly after we were married (about 4 years) DH finished his degree and we had an "uh-oh" moment when those student loans came due, kwim?  So he joined the Army for four years.  Honestly?  I believe that is a chunk of concrete on our foundation - we couldn't run whining to friends and family every time we were offended.  We were across the country, alone, dealing with life.  And life got pretty big - less than a year into it our DD, Hannah, died.  And we only had each other.  I remember those years pretty fondly and that attitude of "You and Me are in this" has pretty much persisted and we protect our relationship.  

 

Part of me truly believes (assuming that boy and girl are in a healthy relationship, kwim?) that they should leave their parents, move 2,000 miles away and make it work for a few years.  Too many marriages stick around their same family & friends in the early years and they never get to really *need* each other in the same way.  Just my .02 and obviously my own personal experience leaves me biased.  

Edited August 16, 2016 by BlsdMama

[Ewe Mama]

No one knows what life is going to throw at them be it pregnancy, infertility, sickness, unemployment, financial issues, etc.

 

If I allowed statistics to dictate my life, none of my children woild be alive/in my family. If I allowed statistics to dictate my life, my husband would probably be dead by now and I would be alone. I defy statistics every chance I get. I'm ornery like that. :)

 

If your child and her fiancé are mature enough to make this decision after thinking it all through, support them. If they are constantly faced with naysayers, they will probably be turned off from asking for support and guidance from anyone. If they have watched their parents' marriages and paid attention at all, they already know that it will be tough and require self-sacrifice and compromise.

 

If you are worried about college and degrees, talk about how important that is to you, but allow her to say it isn't that important to her. When I look back, college was a huge waste of money in my life. I wanted to be married and have a family. I wanted to be a mom more than anything. I have never really used that degree for anything. I had a heap of debt, some good friends, and I travelled when I studied abroad which landed me with even more debt.

 

She has the opportunity to travel as a military wife. She has the opportunity to avoid some of that debt. She has the opportunity to make friends with other military wives on base. She would probably be taken under the wing of some older, more experienced military wives and get valuable insight from them. Learning how to live within her means, be responsible, and allowing herself to be with the man she loves is just as important a life lesson as getting a college degree. I would argue that it is even more important.

 

I vote for supporting them whole-heartedly unless you can see something glaringly wrong with the character of one of them that you know will be an issue. (The potential for controlling or abusive behavior would make me do everything in my power to stop them, but your OP doesn't indicate any alarm bells going off.)

[Sneezyone]

Why do you ask whether she has the time, but not whether he has the time? There is no earthly reason the woman should have to be the one doing the cleaning. It is a task for both spouses together. And seeing that each of them would have to do those things anyway, even if they were not married, that is really an odd question.

This works in the beginning but, as ok bud said, he may decide one stint is not enough. Mil-marriages tend to end up somewhat stereotypical even when there is an effort to be less so. Someone is always needed to do work at home that the deployed and/or overworked spouse cannot do, especially after children come along. Milspouse networks are wonderful resource though, and if they live on base they will find lots of young couples with and without kids who are of the same mind in terms of life goals.

[FaithManor]

I was assuming she meant if he was deployed.

 

Are spouses allowed to go with? I haven't talked to anyone in the minute in a while. My understanding was that if the assignment was leads than two years, they wouldn't pay for the spouse or family to move.

Depends on the duty station. When my cousin's husband was deployed to Germany, she and the kids went and were there for ten years. When he was deployed in Turkey, they also went but it was not a good experience for her or the girls so she left ahead of him and rented a small cottage in a European country until he was stationed in Germany. 

 

Middle East deployments? I doubt it. I know numerous military families and when there have been deployments to the Middle East, the spouses and children have not gone.

[BlsdMama]

No one knows what life is going to throw at them be it pregnancy, infertility, sickness, unemployment, financial issues, etc.

 

If I allowed statistics to dictate my life, none of my children woild be alive/in my family. If I allowed statistics to dictate my life, my husband would probably be dead by now and I would be alone. I defy statistics every chance I get. I'm ornery like that. :)

 

 

 

Truth.

 

In real life?  Every situation is either 100% or 0%.  "It" (any given situation) either does happen or it doesn't.  We play the statistics game as a way of false comfort.  I wish more people realized this.

[Bluegoat]

I think practically, in their situation, there would be a lot of benefits.  Even for education and her degree.  And I also think it is pretty understandable that they don't want to live separately for several more years.

 

I would suggest to them that they should very carefully think about how they would manage different scenarios, things like what happens if they have to move. Do they have some other plans?  What if he were injured?   And I also would want to make sure the young woman has a sense of what being a military wife might be like.  If he thinks he'd like to get out after his contract is up, that's fine, but on the one hand he might change his mind, but the other real possibility is that it won't be practical for him to make that choice at that moment in time.  What if they have a baby, for example - it might not make sense for her to be supporting him at that point, so it could get put off.  How does she picture her career in the long term, and how does he picture his?

 

The statistics thing - well, TBH I think in an individual situation, looking at general stats isn't all that useful, looking at the actual people in front of you will give a much better indication.  I've known couples that married quite young do very well, including ones who were in school. 

[ktgrok]

Are they sexually active now? If now, when they get married, they will be, which brings the possibility of babies. Birth control is great, but not 100 percent, not by a longshot. How would they handle a baby in this time period, while they are trying to get degrees? Of course, if they are already sexually active, that could happen married or not. 

 

Is her degree a common one, that she can find at multiple colleges, if he is transferred? I majored in comparative religion, and when I went to transfer to be with my fiancé, found out most colleges did'n't have that major, so I had to start over with only a year left. 

[J-rap]

Early marriage makes me nervous, though I know that it can work.

 

I don't think you can predict it though.  A person's beliefs and views can drastically change during those early years especially.  Two of my children's did.  Not in a bad way at all, but in a way that if they had married someone as a teen who was just like them, they'd be in for difficult and painful years unless their partner was very flexible and patient or happened to grow/change in the same way.  

 

Nevertheless, my dh and I are committed to paying for college for our children whether they are married or not.  It is a gift we are giving them, no strings attached.

 

 

 

[EmseB]

I know some military people would disagree with me, but:

Regardless of age, if the military member is in boot camp, just out of boot camp and in training, or just newly out of training, I would wait for marriage until he has been at his permanent duty station for six months or so. I would not move up a marriage for a deployment unless the couple had been together for a long time and marriage was planned anyway.

The restrictions of training and boot camp make people lonely. It makes you crave human companionship like nothing else, and it makes you think you want to marry your hometown girlfriend/boyfriend. I saw it dozens of times when I was in, and if the couple had waited to marry, they wouldn't have ended up married.

I'm not so cynical - I met my husband in the military. But, we waited and dated long distance for a long time.

Edited August 16, 2016 by JodiSue

[Onceuponatime]

I got married right out of high school to a military man. That was 33 years ago, so cultural expectations were a little different. Plus I was from a military family. However, here are some things I would say:

*Make sure she gets a driver's license and has experience driving in different conditions. (I consider this a high priority)

*Job experience for her is a plus, no matter where they go or what they do.

*They need to do their homework beforehand and find out what life will be like for her as a military spouse in every aspect of life. What resources will she have/not have available where he is stationed?

*She must learn to be be proactive, independent, and willing to pursue different avenues and resources on her own to get what she wants and needs.

* She cannot expect her husband to be available at any given time. There may be long periods of time when she is alone.

[Sneezyone]

Depends on the duty station. When my cousin's husband was deployed to Germany, she and the kids went and were there for ten years. When he was deployed in Turkey, they also went but it was not a good experience for her or the girls so she left ahead of him and I rented a small cottage in a European country until he was stationed in Germany.

 

Middle East deployments? I doubt it. I know numerous military families and when there have been deployments to the Middle East, the spouses and children have not gone.

This depends also. We are stationed in the ME.

[Sneezyone]

I know some military people would disagree with me, but:

 

Regardless of age, if the military member is in boot camp, just out of boot camp and in training, or just newly out of training, I would wait for marriage until he has been at their permanent duty station for six months or so. I would not move up a marriage for a deployment unless the couple had been together for a long time and marriage was planned anyway.

 

The restrictions of training and boot camp make people lonely. It makes you crave human companionship like nothing else, and it makes you think you want to marry your hometown girlfriend/boyfriend. I saw it dozens of times when I was in, and if the couple had waited to marry, they wouldn't have ended up married.

 

I'm not so cynical - I met my husband in the military. But, we waited and dated long distance for a long time.

I don't disagree with this but, from a practical standpoint, being married when you arrive at boot camp has bennies too. The personnel ppl at boot camp won't screw up your pay later by adding/changing beneficiary info. You can bank the housing money until you have orders to the first duty station together and get separation pay. For young couples this can pay for furniture, appliances, or just provide a cushion. Boot camp definitely lonely tho. Not a good time to make big decisions.

Edited August 16, 2016 by Sneezyone

[Valley Girl]

My parents married young, no college. I did not. So I see both sides. However, I'd ask the young couple what they envision their life to be after the young man leaves the military.  What they want at 18 and 21 may change signicantly over the next few years. They may not be the same people. That doesn't mean they still won't love each other and want to marry.

 

If he wants college and the plan is for her to support them at that point for a bit, will she be better able to do that with college under her own belt or not? It's much more difficult (though certainly not impossible) to complete college after marriage and with a child or children to care for than while young and single. That's a consideration.

 

Is there a way that she can be near him without being married? Going to school nearby... living with a relative... etc.?

 

Do they want to be able to buy a home when he's not longer at risk of reassignment? Postponing marriage may help both of them save money toward that or other financial goals. If they decide to wait, that gives them time to focus fheir efforts on the goals that will help them bring more to the marriage--skills, maturity, resources, etc.

 

 

They're going to do what they're going to do. I would want to make sure they've also considered all the practical issues, both the pros and the cons.

[gardenmom5]

I think it *really* depends upon the couple involved.

 

I was young, but dh wasn't. I had people who knew me who tried to stop me from getting married, telling me I was too young, etc. . . . we've been married 34 years and are still perfect for each other.

[Scarlett]

Well, here is a question: if they really really want to be together--they probably will. Is it better or worse that they marry?

 

I totally get the message of waiting but I have to say that I had a bit of an eye-opener year, beginning with my 40-year high school reunion. I was from a class of about 250 people. Probably 30 of the kids from my class married high school sweethearts within a year or two of graduation--and most of them are still together, many having weathered pretty bad storms (the stuff you'd expect--financial--and the stuff you wouldn't wish on an enemy--deaths of their children). That was a bit of a surprise to me.

 

The other has been seeing some relatively young people get married and really have a blast, even as they deal with eating rice and beans and, er, in one case, early arrival of offspring. :0)

 

I've also come to realize that many of my married friends married relatively young, and they seem to have grown and changed together while they were young as opposed to having to adapt to someone more settled in his/her ways.

 

So...I dunno. The stats say what the stats say...but stats are not applicable to an individual in a meaningful way. Stats can tell you what happens in the general population but they can't predict the behavior of an individual within the sample.

 

The thing I would say is that they had both better have eyes wide open about what their lives will look like ... especially as re their ability to be --together-- in these circumstances.

Yes. This.

 

And adding that if kids begin dating young it is a natural course that they will marry young. I keep encouraging my 16 yo to keep his mind focused on school, and on his spiritual goals and on friendships....and although he isn't allowed to date I encourage him to very deliberately steer away from the natural inclination of becoming emotionally involved with a girl. Because once the heart is involved, waiting to marry just seems impossible and pointless. Once he is in love with a girl he won't want to go off and experience life without her.

 

I talk to both my boys about paying attention to the kind of person a girl is ( once they are old enough to date). Does she share your goals? Is she kind to you and to others even when things are going wrong in some way? I have shared here before the 5 areas some people believe are important in determining if someone is a good match. I don't believe all 5 have to be hit to have a happy marriage. But it is a good place to start.

 

Cultural

Religious

Intelligence ( should be fairly evenly matched in overall intelligence)

Introvert vs extrovert ( extreme opposites often have issues)

Energy level

 

Of course all of this is based upon assuming the person you are considering is being honest with you. And that is where it is wise to mature some before dating....it is easier to spot a liar with a bit of life experience. And if you have good parents it is wise to listen to their perspective because they can see things you might miss....and if you are such a parent it is important to speak up respectfully.

 

I know a couple who married very young. 17 and 19. They didn't have kids until a surprise when she was 39. They had no money, no real family support but they did share spiritual goals and they spent about 10 years in ministry work before they came home and settled into working lives. Their dd is close to my sons age...and my son looks up,to him a great deal. This husband tells my son and all the other teens that it was very hard in some ways and wonderful in other ways....and that what kept them together was their close relationship to God.

 

I think growing up together and bonding over everything can be very cool.

 

So I guess I am not against young marriages. Mostly I am for putting effort into what is the best fit for you.

[Rachel]

My question would be is the young couple going to function as a married couple for a couple of years before they marry? If they are, they may be better off married. My husband and I waited until I graduated to marry, we probably would have been better off to marry earlier. We lived in separate houses but were financially and emotionally dependent on each other prior to marriage. Our life experience likely would not have been that different had we gone ahead and married.

 

Anecdotally two sets of grandparents, my in-laws, and my sister-in-law all married before age 20. All but one went on to college (he was career Air Force), most to graduate school, and have good marriages and successful careers. My biological parents married after college and divorced after 9 years of marriage. They also have graduate degrees and successful careers.

 

I realize it's difficult to go into complete detail but I would suggest that you express your concerns to your child and partner in a non-threatening relaxed conversation. Listen to their side with an open mind. If they choose to go ahead and marry, support them completely emotionally and spiritually. Help them find quality pre-marital counseling and pay for it if you have to.

 

(Disclaimer: my oldest child is 8)

[momto10blessings]

I don't see how the girls family would have any say in what they do. They couod make suggestions, but in the end, it's her choice and parents forbidding her to do something may cause her to rebel and not think things through. Ask me how I know 😂

[Ravin]

I would make sure they had thought through the pros and cons (based on OP, they have as well as anyone can), then support their decision.

[Dmmetler]

Why do you ask whether she has the time, but not whether he has the time? There is no earthly reason the woman should have to be the one doing the cleaning. It is a task for both spouses together. And seeing that each of them would have to do those things anyway, even if they were not married, that is really an odd question.

Given that he's active duty military, she needs to consider this because there is a good chance that sometime in the next four years she'll be managing while he's deployed, while still in school. Military spouses need to be prepared for that eventuality.

 

FWIW, I married relatively young (squeezed in between a BS and graduate school) and DH and I were long distance the entire engagement. If we'd been married at the time, I don't think my life would have changed much, because by the time I got engaged, I was too close to completing a program to transfer, and DH's grad program wasn't available at my undergrad school. For us, the change was going to come when I could physically be with him, so that's when we chose to get married.

[elegantlion]

I was engaged to a man going into the military when I was 18. We ultimately broke up for several reasons. After basic his first duty station was to a place where families were not allowed to go. That would have been our first year of marriage with me alone, probably living at home having to see his family more (we didn't get along that much, step-parent issues). I did not want that, I wanted to be WITH him, not missing him and married, kwim. I was not in college. 

 

I would also consider that her plans will suddenly become of secondary importance. Her college degree will come from where they are stationed, if she even can complete it where they go. I think there is a balance there of her still establishing her life while submitting to his. I understand this could be seen through the biblical lens of submitting to a husband, I get that. I also would hesitate to counsel my child that it was a good idea before she had established some identity of her own as a adult. 

 

I agree with what was stated before, if they can wait two years, they can wait four. As a person who sometimes glares at hindsight in my own life, I would hesitate to launch a daughter without some plan of how she could be self-sufficient even if she married young. 

[Lady Marmalade]

No one knows what life is going to throw at them be it pregnancy, infertility, sickness, unemployment, financial issues, etc.

 

If I allowed statistics to dictate my life, none of my children woild be alive/in my family. If I allowed statistics to dictate my life, my husband would probably be dead by now and I would be alone. I defy statistics every chance I get. I'm ornery like that. :)

 

If your child and her fiancé are mature enough to make this decision after thinking it all through, support them. If they are constantly faced with naysayers, they will probably be turned off from asking for support and guidance from anyone. If they have watched their parents' marriages and paid attention at all, they already know that it will be tough and require self-sacrifice and compromise.

 

If you are worried about college and degrees, talk about how important that is to you, but allow her to say it isn't that important to her. When I look back, college was a huge waste of money in my life. I wanted to be married and have a family. I wanted to be a mom more than anything. I have never really used that degree for anything. I had a heap of debt, some good friends, and I travelled when I studied abroad which landed me with even more debt.

 

She has the opportunity to travel as a military wife. She has the opportunity to avoid some of that debt. She has the opportunity to make friends with other military wives on base. She would probably be taken under the wing of some older, more experienced military wives and get valuable insight from them. Learning how to live within her means, be responsible, and allowing herself to be with the man she loves is just as important a life lesson as getting a college degree. I would argue that it is even more important.

 

I vote for supporting them whole-heartedly unless you can see something glaringly wrong with the character of one of them that you know will be an issue. (The potential for controlling or abusive behavior would make me do everything in my power to stop them, but your OP doesn't indicate any alarm bells going off.)

 

:iagree:   What a lovely post, Ewe Mama. 

[Sneezyone]

I would just caution folks not to think of military spouses as any less stable or more dependent/submissive than anyone else of accomplishing career and educational goals. If statistics are any indication, they tend to be better educated than the civilian population in part b/c of the times they spend solo and the benefits offered to milspouse (tuition breaks, scholarships, etc). It can be hard to build a career for sure, but there are milspouse attorneys, doctors, dentists, teachers, baristas, etc. etc. If you can think it, there's someone who's done it and can help you navigate. There are tons of family programs, counseling, marriage retreats, support that most civilian couples don't have. It's not all roses, and as my kids have gotten older DH has done one or even two year stints of geobaching (being a geographical bachelor) and it's still been ok. Our income supports those choices. It largely depends on the couple. That's something even those closest to them may not know. Lord knows DH and I were completely underestimated.

Edited August 16, 2016 by Sneezyone

[melmichigan]

We married at 20 and 22. DH was in the service, and had been since graduation.  I went to school while DH was enlisted, then I put him through school.  We waited seven years before our first child was born.  We did lots of wonderful things as young adults, and built our marriage, before we had our children.  I don't regret a minute of it.

 

OP, because you asked as a parent, I will say we had absolutely no encouragement or support from our parents.  In the end we didn't want to deal with the negativity.  We married (JP), and didn't even make an announcement for two weeks while we started our new life in our own little bubble.  We spent the first year dodging all the "pregnancy" questions, and a few more listening to all the "young marriage" talk.  In the end, it meant that we mostly avoided our parents for those early years. 

Edited August 16, 2016 by melmichigan

[Tap]

I would say wait until she has a couple years of college done first.  2 years or college for her and 2 years of service for him, could bring out two very different people.  

 

A good fit for their high school selves......doesn't mean they will be a good match after 2 years of adulthood. This is Especially true with them living apart during times in their lives that will so formative to who they become. 

[Leav97]

/snip

 

Do they want to be able to buy a home when he's not longer at risk of reassignment? Postponing marriage may help both of them save money toward that or other financial goals. If they decide to wait, that gives them time to focus fheir efforts on the goals that will help them bring more to the marriage--skills, maturity, resources, etc.

 

 

/snip

 

If they are smart with their money, marriage should help them save.  Military housing allowance, independent for FAFSA, etc.  

 

What she wants for a degree may be their biggest limitation.  Can it be done online or is it available at lots of colleges?  Do those colleges accept transfer credits?  How long will he be stationed in one place?

[Crimson Wife]

 

Regardless of age, if the military member is in boot camp, just out of boot camp and in training, or just newly out of training, I would wait for marriage until he has been at his permanent duty station for six months or so. I would not move up a marriage for a deployment unless the couple had been together for a long time and marriage was planned anyway.

 

The restrictions of training and boot camp make people lonely. It makes you crave human companionship like nothing else, and it makes you think you want to marry your hometown girlfriend/boyfriend. I saw it dozens of times when I was in, and if the couple had waited to marry, they wouldn't have ended up married.

 

This is so true! DH and I got engaged in May and had set a wedding date for June two years later. He left for Officer Basic at the beginning of November and by Thanksgiving he was so miserable that when I went to visit him, he asked me to move up our wedding date to the very next month, after I graduated college. We did get married at the end of December and are still married almost 18 years later. But it definitely was impulsive to run off to the JoP rather than sticking to our original plan.

[FaithManor]

We married at 20 and 22. DH was in the service, and had been since graduation.  I went to school while DH was enlisted, then I put him through school.  We waited seven years before our first child was born.  We did lots of wonderful things as young adults, and built our marriage, before we had our children.  I don't regret a minute of it.

 

OP, because you asked as a parent, I will say we had absolutely no encouragement or support from our parents.  In the end we didn't want to deal with the negativity.  We married (JP), and didn't even make an announcement for two weeks while we started our new life in our own little bubble.  We spent the first year dodging all the "pregnancy" questions, and a few more listening to all the "young marriage" talk.  In the end, it meant that we mostly avoided our parents for those early years. 

LOL. Though we did not have the military issue to work around, there was considerable angst among some in our family due to me being only 20 - turns out these were people that knew a whole lot more about my parents' marriage than I did so felt that mom marrying at 18 had been a real detriment to her (which it was) - so we spent a lot of time avoiding pretty much anyone we'd ever known that hadn't been in our bridal party. His parents were very supportive so we saw them more than mine or any of my relatives. It was easy though because while I worked on that other degree we lived six hours from my parents and 14 from his, then we moved to Oregon which put us about 3000 miles from his folks and 2500 from mine. We didn't have the money to fly back and forth, and only his folks were willing to come visit. Worked well all around. By the time we ended up near my family, we'd been married 7 years. People had stopped feeling the inappropriate need to voice an opinion.

 

Still, I was secretly happy that dd was nearly 23 when she married and her hubby was 27. He will be the first to say he wasn't ready before then, and she had time to finish college and practice paramedicine. They were pretty darn mature by the time they settled.

 

To be honest, I am a huge fan of newly married couples, no matter what the age, not living near family to start out. I really think it makes it easier for them to establish themselves without too many gossips, too many opinions, too much interference even if it is well meaning. Intrusiveness is not good.

[FaithManor]

This is so true! DH and I got engaged in May and had set a wedding date for June two years later. He left for Officer Basic at the beginning of November and by Thanksgiving he was so miserable that when I went to visit him, he asked me to move up our wedding date to the very next month, after I graduated college. We did get married at the end of December and are still married almost 18 years later. But it definitely was impulsive to run off to the JoP rather than sticking to our original plan.

Our nephew moved his wedding up one year because his commanding officer told him that if he wasn't married before X date, then when the new orders came it could be two years before he would be allowed. Allowed? Didn't know that was a thing in the military when it came to whether or not a person could get married. 

[Lawyer&Mom]

Are you sure there isn't a distance learning degree in her field? That might give her the geographical flexibility to finish a degree no matter where he is stationed. There are so many top schools with distance programs. I'm really impressed by the value of the University of London programs. Added bonus, their undergraduate degrees are typically only three years full time!

[prairiewindmomma]

My concern would be if he was deployed away for any significant amount of time.  Distance can be a significant strain on any relationship, let alone an early marriage.

[shawthorne44]

Just being married should make her college cheaper.   That is excluding anything related to the military.   If she's married her parent's income/assets won't be included in Financial Aid.  

 

But, in general I have no problem with early marriage if that is what the couple truly want and are ready for.  

 

My parents married in a similar situation including the deployment.  They are still married.  

Edited August 16, 2016 by shawthorne44

[Chris in VA]

Ok I wjll have to delete, but here are some details. This is my 16 yo. Her boyfriend wants to get married when she is out of high school. He will have been in the AF for two years by then. She wants to go to college to be a music teacher--hence not a distance-learning major by any means.

I am not worried about material things. They could afford college. He can provide. I am not talking about the financial side of things.

What I am really wondering is if they are mature enough (or will be). Him, maybe, since he is two years older. She has a good head on her shoulders, but....she is 16 and thinking about marriage. In my family, that is very very young and 18 is very very young. We see college as a maturing experience. (We do see the military that way, also.)

And it is not about sex, for goodness sakes.

 

I think it takes a lot to stay married. I want her to come to marriage with a wealth of experiences, with the growth that comes from interacting with great ideas and the music, art, writing of grear people, that college offers. I want her to have time to develop as a person before getting married.

I don't know how uni would work, if he is one place and she, another. Why bother rushing marriage when you are going to be apart? (Again, I understand about financial stuff--not talking about those sorts of benefits.)

 

It seems to me that marriage is hard enough when you have a mature outlook. Why not stack the deck, so to speak, and do what you can to be the best and most mature person you can be before marrying? Of course, I see how, logically, that could mean waiting til you are 75...lol...but you know what I mean, I am sure. Why not get the college education, live a bit on your own, learning to adult, and be an adult that is getting married, one who has worked and lived a bit in the world independently.

IDK. This is the perspective I was raised with. You went to college and got your degree. It was part of your development as a human being. Wow, limited perspective, huh!! LOL

I am aware how "upper middle class white" this sounds, I really am.

[FaithManor]

Well, that helps.

 

One music major to another, I would advise her against it. She will have auditions to prepare for, and the music major itself requires more credits when in conjunction with student teaching than most majors. She will have performance groups she is required to participate in which will take a lot of time away from that hubby, lessons on her primary instrument or in voice which will require 2-4 hours per day of practice, plus classes, plus student teaching, and once she starts student teaching it does not bode well at all for him to get a transfer. She would have to stay behind without him to finish because you can't transfer that kind of thing mid-semester, and it can't be done "distance learning".

 

If she were trying for something more flexible like an English degree or math degree, then I wouldn't worry so much. But music degrees are a crazy animal, and science degrees with labs, and especially medical ones, are really crazy too. I just can't recommend that she get married if they are not assured of being in one place for the duration of her degree or at least not more than one move/transfer and to bases near state uni's or LAC's that offer the major and readily accept credits from other places. Music is not straightforward, and on top of that being out of sequence of even one course, say the second semester of freshman music theory, can put you two semester behind in school as it is a prerequisite to all music history, conducting, and other music theory courses.

[matrips]

He will be able to support them both.They would live on base. She will prob support them both for a couple years after his service is up since he will pursue a Bachelor's degree then (will take two years).

Good plan, but if she ends up having babies then she may not be able to support them both while he pursues a degree.  The GI bill will give a housing and living allowance, but would it be enough.

 

Are they agreed as to where to live afterwards?  And how to live?  Level of comfort and 'haves' etc.

 

Are they agreed to moving or staying for his job search and new job after his college?

[catz]

That is very much my experience too with the expectation being college/Independence post high school.  That was the expectation my parents always set.  And you know what?  23 years post college graduation I have ZERO regrets about my experience, my higher education, or marrying later than the vast majority of people on this board.  That is the expectation I have for my kids.  I also know my kids and their interest and don't think military or a trade would work well for them.  If they come to me with a alternate plan, we'll talk and I'll be supportive. 

 

All that said, that is 2 years away.  I would in no way let my kid get married in high school.  A lot can happen in that time.  I had a high school boyfriend that I was nuts for.  It lasted only a few months into my college experience.  I wouldn't get too excited about it this early in the game.  Heck, my 23 year old nephew just cancelled his wedding that was only 3 months away.  His (former) fiance is 22.  (NOTE - if you cancel a wedding after a shower, make a good faith effort in returning the gifts).  Though they are trying to work it out, I don't think it likely will.  If it does last, it is meant to.  I would just keep the lines of communication open with the 16 year old and having discussions about what marriage really looks like and about college and goals and your thoughts on education.  And I'd be clear if you have thoughts about financing college, etc. 

 

I have a kid that will be 16 in 2 months and wow, this is absolutely the furthest thing from his mind so I'm super sympathetic about how this could get a mom's mind racing. 

 

ETA - I absolutely agree that music related degrees are a harder nut to crack in terms of time commitment and really kind of needing to getting locked into one program.  Heck, most music majors I know these days immediately go on for their masters if they really want to work in the field. 

Edited August 16, 2016 by WoolySocks

[Chris in VA]

Nm

Edited August 16, 2016 by Chris in VA

[Guest]

Actually a music degree is one that has more flexibility to attend different campuses without detriment to the program, not less. Just FYI, it's not the kind of program easily messed up by transfers and a student can benefit greatly from the exposure to so many different professors. I have at least three friends with music performance and pedagogy degrees of varying levels and none of them stayed in the same program the whole time. Time spent is more independent than program specific in our collective experience. Studying abroad in particular can be a fantastic asset to experience in that degree!

 

Honestly you're pretty close to the situation, but I'm not seeing any major red flags in their plan except that she may decide to not finish college once married, as I did. I regret that occasionally because now I don't really like attending and tolerated the nonsense of the school system and hoop jumping better when I was younger, but that's about the only downside. We consciously chose children earlier, but if we had waited it would have been no hardship to finish attending, even moving around. Especially if she uses any deployments of his to really buckle down and work her tail off on her degree she stands a really good chance of succeeding. It's kids that complicate college way more than marriage alone.

 

Now I'm also speaking as someone who has NEVER managed to have a surprise pregnancy, even with no hormonal birth control. Technically surprises can happen in sexually active couples but it's not been my experience among my family and friends that they do, except where pills are skipped and antibiotics taken without reading the package insert ;)

Edited August 16, 2016 by Arctic Mama

[AnnE-girl]

I really think 16 is too young to be talking about marriage in two years. It almost seems like he is trying to lock her into marriage before she has the chance to experience more of life in college. So much changes in those years. Of course my view might be skewed because my dh came close to marrying to his high school girlfriend and that would have been a big mistake.

[Loowit]

I think we all want what we see as best for our children.  We want to see them grow up to be happy and successful.  However, it is their life to live.  They will make mistakes and hopefully grow and learn from them.  We can offer gentle advice, but much beyond that and there is a risk of hurting our relationship with them.  My mom was way too advice heavy in my younger life.  She thought she had all the answers.  I changed my major in college because of her advice and I regret it to this day.  She was doing it out of caring and concern, but I would have learned more by making my own life choices.  In the end it only created a lot of tension in our relationship that remains 20+ years later.  She also tried to talk my brother out of marrying young.  He and his wife were 20 when they got married.  He was moving out of the area for college and wanted to be married before he went so his wife could go with him. Life was hard for them the last two years of college, but he got his degree and they are still happily married 21 years later.

 

If the impending marriage is 2 years off, they still have a lot of time to grow and change.  It may be they decide in that time that they have changed their minds.  It may be though that they are still in love and want to be married and once they are both adults it is their choice.

[Chris in VA]

Nm

Edited August 16, 2016 by Chris in VA

[slterry]

So my husband and I met at 15, married at 20. We were both homeschooled, so we were both "ahead" in college compared with our peers. He was still in college (in person, not online), I was a year into a nursing career. It was wonderful. We were mature and we were ready. We have been married for almost a decade, I have become a SAHM and he has climbed the ladder of his company, gotten his Masters degree and is headed for a prestigious job next year. 

 

We are both very, very happy with the timing of when we got married, and we talk about it often. It helped us to work together toward our goals. We both lived at home until the day we got married, and we got to grow up together. We have yet to have a major "problem" in marriage, and he is truly my best friend.

 

Having said that, we wouldn't recommend early marriage to everyone. Our friends who got married from 18-22 are all divorced. And there are many of them. Maturity and realistic expectations, along with getting married for the right reasons, are all an important part of the equation. 

 

 

Edited August 16, 2016 by slterry

[ktgrok]

Honestly, I wouldn't worry about it now. In two years so much can change, it's very likely they won't be together at all by then. Don't mess up your relationship wit her now by arguing about things that are years in the future, you know? Boyfriend may be gone by then, but her resentment towards you for not going along with her plans will stick around. 

 

I'd say you won't talk about marriage until you are in sight of graduation, period. 

[wintermom]

Age at marriage only matters statistically before 21. After that, there is no difference in divorce risk once education and income are controlled for. Divorce risk is also much lower for college graduates than for those who haven't finished college. So I would definitely push my kids to wait until 21+ and finished with their bachelor's.

 

But young age is directly tied to lower education and income. Most young people (teens and early 20s) haven't had the time to complete college and reach a point where their income is as high as older people. It has absolutely nothing to do with their maturity level or life experience up to that point. And while these less tangible factors can be brushed aside, the facts of having lower income and education levels do impact marriages.

 

The only benefit I see is for the guy in the military who would have a much better standard of life while he's still in the military by being married. He's already doing what he wants, and is in a great situation to build up his training and education. The girl is the one with potentially the most to give up, I think. I wouldn't do it unless it's actually bringing me where I want to go and grow, too. 

[Ravin]

Our nephew moved his wedding up one year because his commanding officer told him that if he wasn't married before X date, then when the new orders came it could be two years before he would be allowed. Allowed? Didn't know that was a thing in the military when it came to whether or not a person could get married. 

 

 

There isn't. Unless he's deployed the whole time somewhere you can't have your family. Even then, he could go home on leave and get married, he just wouldn't be allowed to move her to the duty station, he'd have to be a geographical bachelor.

[FaithManor]

There isn't. Unless he's deployed the whole time somewhere you can't have your family. Even then, he could go home on leave and get married, he just wouldn't be allowed to move her to the duty station, he'd have to be a geographical bachelor.

Given where he was sent, I can see how that would be the case. His deployment was in a region that he could not have family, nor come home, and then he had debriefing which took a while. He thought he would be there a lot longer than he was. So maybe that is what he meant when he relayed to me that they would prevent him from marrying for up to two years.

[Dmmetler]

Well, that helps.

 

One music major to another, I would advise her against it. She will have auditions to prepare for, and the music major itself requires more credits when in conjunction with student teaching than most majors. She will have performance groups she is required to participate in which will take a lot of time away from that hubby, lessons on her primary instrument or in voice which will require 2-4 hours per day of practice, plus classes, plus student teaching, and once she starts student teaching it does not bode well at all for him to get a transfer. She would have to stay behind without him to finish because you can't transfer that kind of thing mid-semester, and it can't be done "distance learning".

 

If she were trying for something more flexible like an English degree or math degree, then I wouldn't worry so much. But music degrees are a crazy animal, and science degrees with labs, and especially medical ones, are really crazy too. I just can't recommend that she get married if they are not assured of being in one place for the duration of her degree or at least not more than one move/transfer and to bases near state uni's or LAC's that offer the major and readily accept credits from other places. Music is not straightforward, and on top of that being out of sequence of even one course, say the second semester of freshman music theory, can put you two semester behind in school as it is a prerequisite to all music history, conducting, and other music theory courses.

 

As a former music ed faculty advisor, I'd agree with this 100%. A music ed major is a solid 4 years and often 5 years just because of required courses. I've never seen a student transfer mid-way through, including those who had AA degrees, who didn't still take about another 4 years to finish, maybe 3 1/2 at best, because of all the sequencing involved. It is also very common for a kid to place a semester lower than the theory they've taken, not because they aren't solid on theory, but because different schools use different sequences of topics within the theory course progression, and it is common for a class that is theory 1 at one school to be part of theory 1, part of theory 2, and maybe a bit of theory 3 at another-leaving the kid with missing topics and repeated topics if they go into any course but theory 1. Moving between states is likely to cause problems on the "Education" side because each state has their own series of requirements for teacher licensure.

 

[LucyStoner]

16 is almost always too young to be making these decisions in our place and time.

 

As I have said, I got married at 21. My husband was roughly the same age (22). When we decided to get married I had already been on my own for almost 4 years and had been working (first on a dubious age waiver) and filing taxes for almost a decade. Even then, waiting 1-2 more years would have been a good idea in retrospect.

 

A little more life experience prior to making such a vow will kill exactly no one.

[calihil]

We got married at 21 and 23, both still in college (nursing school for me). We've been married 10 years this year. Depending on the maturity of the couple, I would recommend it. I will encourage my kids to marry young, if they find a suitable partner.