? for grandparents (or anybody) - Do you charge your children for daycare?

[Granny_Weatherwax]

This is something that has come up recently in conversation.

 

I know one mother/grandmother who quit her job so she could provide daycare for her grandchildren. Her children pay her the same amount as they would a daycare center.  

 

I know another mother/grandmother (SAHM) who provides 25-40 hours a week of daycare for her grandchildren but doesn't charge anything.  When this mother/grandmother wants to do something (ie Bible Study, shopping) she hires a babysitter and pays for babysitting.  She pays for pool entry fees, lunches, and any other expenses that arise while entertaining her grandchildren.  Essentially, her children are receiving free childcare and she absorbs the expenses of babysitting so she can live her life.

 

I think both of these are extreme.  My thoughts are that most people do something in between; that adult children pay reduced rates to the grandmother and at least cover expenses when the grandmother has something to do.  Honestly, though, I don't really know and I don't want to ask people IRL just to satisfy my curiosity, IYKWIM.

 

Please note that I am not asking about watching the grandchildren so the parents can go on date nights, the occasional meeting, doctor's appointment, or whatever.  I am specifically asking about daycare so the parents can work outside the home.  

 

Thanks in advance.

Edited June 6, 2016 by ScoutermominIL

[Library Momma]

My mother retired early when my first dd was born and I started back to work.  She watched her about 40 hours a week and met me at my job for pick up and drop off.  We paid her a monthly rate which I think was about $600.  It was not even close to what full time daycare would have cost and not what she would have made if she continued in her job, but it gave her spending and gas money.

[Pink and Green Mom]

My aunt left her job so she could watch my cousin's (her daughter) children.  My cousin is an elementary school principal.  My cousin does pay my aunt.  I hear from my mother that said Aunt has put all of that money back into her grandchildren's college funds.

 

My SIL's MIL watches one of her grandchildren free of charge (and even goes and picks up said grandchild from the daughter's house each morning 30 minutes away).  My SIL is incredibly bitter because she pays a huge amount of money in childcare costs per month for her two and thinks if MIL is going to do this for one child she should offer it to all.  SIL lives about an hour away from her MIL so this isn't even feasible but it still causes very bitter feelings.

[Guest]

When mine were little, I paid my mother the same amount I had previously paid a daycare. I wouldn't have expected her to give up her time for nothing. An added bonus was that I trusted the person watching them to care for them the same way as I did.

[MedicMom]

My MIL watches my kids quite often, four times a week sometimes. We've offered a million times to pay her but she adamantly refuses. Instead we try to do things like steal her electric bill and pay it, we've paid her car payment a few times at the bank, sent her on vacation, things like that. She won't accept anything but we feel we should compensate her anyway. She saves us close to $300 a week.

[Joker]

I don't have grandkids yet but I don't think I would accept payment. I've stayed home for the last 17 years anyway and not made money.

[TammyinTN]

No...I haven't charged to watch our grand-babies.  Our dd that lives here had a job that she could take her with her and only on occasion needed help..which we did free of charge.  

[Cindy in FL.]

I watch my three grandchildren about 30 hours/week (3 days) in the summer. During the school year, I drop off/pick up the older two from school and just have the youngest during school hours and the older two before and after school. I don't charge because I am a SAHM, so I didn't forgo income to watch them, and I do it in part to help my ds and dil financially.

[happi duck]

Deleted...tmi regret

Edited June 6, 2016 by happi duck

[Anne in CA]

I think it's fair that if a grandmother is giving up income she should be compensated. I would watch grandkids all the time if I had any, but I have to make a living. My MIL was not allowed to pay her mother for watching dh when he was small, so she did buy her mother really good Christmas and birthday gifts, like a new stove and really nice clothes she wouldn't have purchased for herself.

[ErinE]

I've only seen once where the grandmother quit her job to raise her grandchildren. The parents didn't pay her in the beginning; there was little money for it. The GM started a home day care where she took in a few more children. She didn't make much money in her original job so it was a wash financially. As the parents increased their combined salaries, they paid her, though probably not market rates, as well as picking up other expenses. As the kids aged out of daycare, the GM returned to a full time job outside the home. The kids are nearly grown now, and the parents are still "paying" the GM, showing their appreciation by buying her a car and paying off her mortgage.

 

I don't consider the situation an extreme so much as a family doing what's best for its members. The family could make more money with the GM home with the children than the mother staying home while GM worked. The mother was able to do something she loved without turning her children over to strangers.

 

Other situations, the GM was a stay-at-home wife so she cared for the little ones since she was home. Payment for preschool or alternate childcare depended on the financial situation of the parents.

 

I hope I can provide the same service for my kids, should they need or choose to work. I hope DH and I are not in a financial situation where we will need compensation.

[Davysmom]

For those I know in this situation, it depends. One friend charges a reduced rate to her dd. But when Grandma needs to work or has given up work to do child care, she gets paid the same or almost the same as a day care. If grandma can afford to provide for the kids, she does it free covering all the expenses. It is her way of helping her kids get established.

[MrsWeasley]

My father watches my kids two afternoons/evenings a week and one morning a week for free. He had retired years previously, so he didn't give up an income. I am very grateful, for I make very little money working out of the home. If I paid a fair wage for watching my kids, I wouldn't make anything working out of the home.

[SparklyUnicorn]

I paid my mother.  And I paid her even more than what other home daycare people locally were charging.

 

She didn't require it and she wasn't working.  I wanted to help her out. She needed the money.

 

Either way, I would not dream of someone doing that for free unless it was a once in awhile thing, or I was very desperate and couldn't afford to pay. 

[Janeway]

Only way I would not charge is if there were a special circumstance. Let's say the spouse was seriously ill or dead, and the one going to work legitimately cannot afford child care, then I would help for free. But by legitimately, I do not mean, they go out with friends where they spend money, eat out, drive a new car, have a smart phone, new computer, etc...and cannot afford daycare after that, no, I would not. If I am babysitting so someone can earn money, then they need to pay me for it. 

 

I really am sickened by all the grandparents who have explained to me that they are willing to babysit many many hours for the grandchildren where both parents work, but if one parent is an at home parent, they won't babysit. I even had a complete stranger at a park, a man, explain to me how he and his wife babysit for the grandchildren where both parents work and the parents were even going on a big vacation overseas, but they will not do the same for the parents where one stays home with the kids. They say that those parents don't need a break like the ones who work. That is such a crock and very insulting. I have been both a working parent and an at home parent. Both work during the day, yes. But as a working parent, I had lunch, I had time to myself frequently, even in the bathroom and the drive to and from work. I looked forward to seeing my children at the end of the day. As an at home parent, let's just say, I have had to make this post while being constantly spoken to, making breakfast for everyone, taking nail polish off a little boy who changed his mind about his pink nail polish, and explain what every word on the board says (the board is a list of chores to be done this week). I never get a break. As a grandparent, my job is not to put a value on my children's time and decide who "deserves" my time more. I will give each grandchild equal grandparenting time and energy and leave the parenting to the parents. This means daycare. I am not a free daycare. 

[Zuzu822]

My mother retired 11 from years ago from teaching, and she and my dad have been super involved with all her grandchildren. She spent 1-2 full days each week with me and my kids (doing fun stuff or helping me around the house), and babysat for my sister twice a week so she could work part time (substitute teacher) for years. When my sister got a full time teaching position last fall, she eventually transitioned into babysitting my younger niece and then my newborn nephew full time (they also do school drop off and pick up for my sister's older child).

 

She's always refused any kind of compensation. They LOVE spending so much time with us and our kids. My mom always said she hoped her children would settle close by because she wanted to know us as adults. My parents' parents all live(d) across the country, so having all this extended family now in the same school district is wonderful.

[mamakelly]

My mom watches my nephew 2-3 days per week and doesn't charge my sister. I watched him 2-3 days a week and she paid me. I wasn't willing to do it for free, and we needed the money.

[Tap]

My mom watched my son for a couple of months when he was 2yo.  I paid her the same as a daycare....because otherwise she would have canceled on me.  My mom is notorious for canceling for nonsensical reasons, but by paying her, it gave her a bit of motivation to watch him.  She wasn't working at the time, so there was no job loss for her.

 

The Only reason she was watching him, was that my daycare provider's sister was in hospice and the provider closed her daycare for an open-ended amount of time off.  The daycare provider was like a grandma to my kids so I wanted to make sure we went back to her when she was ready for kids again.  

 

She helped to raise my sisters kids, and my sister has lived with my mom for probably a third of her kids lives.  My mom never charged my sister rent or babysitting.  So, even in the same family, we have two different situations. 

 

 

 

ETA: 

 

My In-laws have helped out, by taking the kids for a week at a time every summer when they were younger. My husband has almost always traveled for work at least a few times per year and at times 75% of the year.  When we would have a major schedule conflict between my work and his being gone for work, the kids would go to my In-laws 2 hours away. They didn't consider it babysitting....they considered it spending time with their grand kids.

Edited June 6, 2016 by Tap

[Bluegoat]

Around in home care doesn't typically cost as much as daycare, so I suppose I wouldn't really expect daycare rates.

 

I also see this mainly as an extended family thing, where people are all in it together.  There is a need for childcare, so the family makes it happen, which is great for the kids, but the family also needs to make sure the caregiver is taken care of, which may mean some kind of finacial support.  But I think those kinds of things are so variable, it could look all kinds of different ways.

[tm919]

I pay my parents a "reduced rate" -- I offered them full pay, but it's only 1 day every other week. They take about $20 for the day (yeah, I know.... paltry) and that is for gas/wear and tear on the car.

 

Edit: When my in-laws used to come, for a while it was $50 a day (about the cost of daycare when you balance out the costs of food, diapers, etc). Ironically, MIL never meant to take money. She thought it was clever to just leave it there, but it was always empty  when I got home because FIL was taking and keeping it without telling her... oops?

Edited June 6, 2016 by tm919

[Loowit]

My mom watched my sister's children after they were born until they were old enough for preschool.  I have can't really remember if my sister paid her or not, but I lean toward probably not.  My sister would have been glad to do so, but I can't see my mom taking the money.  My sister did pay for things like gas for mom to drive the kids over to her at lunch to be breastfed.  She also paid for any fees that arose from trips and she provided food.  I also helped my sister out for a couple hours several days a week and I can't remember that she paid me anything, but she would often make me dinner and it gave us time to spend together.  I miss those times with her and my niece.  Now we are all so busy I hardly see them and my niece is graduating from high school this week.

 

My mom also watched my brother's older child when his wife went back to work.  She really enjoyed the time with him and I don't think they paid her,but I figured it was none of my business.  SIL quit her job when she was pregnant with her second and has continued to be a stay at home mom.

 

I would think that if my children asked me to help out by watching their children so that they could work I would be happy to do it for free.  I would expect them to pay if they wanted me to take the kid to an activity that cost money though, unless I offered to take them.  But I understand that every family has different dynamics and sometimes taking pay might be something that they want to do.

[SparklyUnicorn]

Around in home care doesn't typically cost as much as daycare, so I suppose I wouldn't really expect daycare rates.

 

I also see this mainly as an extended family thing, where people are all in it together.  There is a need for childcare, so the family makes it happen, which is great for the kids, but the family also needs to make sure the caregiver is taken care of, which may mean some kind of finacial support.  But I think those kinds of things are so variable, it could look all kinds of different ways.

 

They don't cost as much, but then they also can have more than one or two kids.  I suppose my mother could have had more kids, but I didn't want her to.  So to me for one on one care with a trusted person is priceless.  I was willing to pay well for it.

[JFSinIL]

Not there yet, but odds are I would not expect to be paid, BUT would sure appreciate my kids covering costs of taking the grandkids and self out hither and yon. AND - my kids would owe me stuff like yard care, an occasional family meal or meal out, etc. in return ;-) plus I'd get to do a little homeschooling again. I just want to get my hands on some grandbabies!

 

If I was paid, unless I really needed the money I think I'd bank it for the grandkid's college expenses down the road.

Edited June 6, 2016 by JFSinIL

[Tita Gidge]

In my culture, grandparents typically live with one of their children. They care for the grandchildren while both parents work, or even while one parent works and the other tends to household and social duties. It's a bit different in that they're already THERE with the family and the finances are already mingling in part, if not whole.

 

I lived with my parents for many, many years, especially when my husband was deployed. Initially my mom worked outside of the home. She didn't retire to watch my kids, but she cut back her hours and we scheduled our work days around each other. Eventually she did retire, an event completely unrelated to her role as a caregiving grandmother. She never needed to work for money, it was something she enjoyed doing. I did not pay her directly for child care, but we shared living expenses anyway so it was a wash.

 

When my brother and his wife deployed I quit my job so I could care for their 3 children (and mine, I was pregnant with my fourth) in their absence. Payment was never discussed, we're all on the same page that this is what family does. I was not paid directly but they bought me a new van to accommodate all of our kids and covered our utility bills. A good portion of their BAH was sent to our sister, who had just started her masters degree. Another brother covered the cost of things my income would have - sports for the kids, vacations, etc. - because I took/picked up his kids from school and watched them on sick days and over school breaks. We still lived with my parents so they covered food, etc. Mostly we absorbed my lost income as an extended family. It worked out for all of us individually and collectively.

 

I went back to work which involved a lot of traveling, and my mom assumed my role as the family's caregiver. Again, she wasn't directly paid. She covered food, entry fees, and anything they did on 'her' time. We (the kids) bought memberships all over town and covered each other so mom could still enjoy book/gardening clubs, volunteering, etc. We want her to have a life outside of us. We bought her a car, we send her on vacations with her siblings, we bought our parents a vacation home and cover all related expenses, and we try to give them things they can afford but would never buy for themselves. They come out way ahead financially LOL.

 

We're pretty typical of my culture, aside from a multi-generation home (which we did have for years). But we've heard many times over the years from friends and co-workers that this arrangement would never work for them. They prefer, and maybe need, the clear cut boundaries that a paid relationship implies. Some have even said that they'd rather pay a stranger than their family to watch their kids because of strained family relationships. Others have said that payment for grandparent caregivers is what keeps their relationship from getting too strained. It's foreign to me, but I trust my family and we're all on the same page WRT childcare practices.

 

Knowing that my kids are growing up in a more Western culture, this is something I wonder about. If my daughters-in-law have different ideas about child-rearing I'm open to going back to work and just giving them some money so a parent can stay home those early years. But I'll otherwise be available - free! - for regular childcare so my grandkids' parents can work, volunteer, have hobbies or just down time. I'd love it, actually. But I also won't need the income since my pension and military retirement will have kicked in.  If I did need the income I'd just as soon work as my kids' caregiver, even at a slight loss, than to see that outsourced beyond family.

[Rubix]

My mom babysits for me while I work part time. She doesn't charge us per se, but I pay her here and there. She would never ask, but I know that it is appreciated when I give her a chunk of money. We never worked out an hourly rate or anything like that though. She has a similar arrangement with my brother, who pays her occasionally for watching his kids.

[Rubix]

Also, we would cover any expenses like going to the movies, activities, etc. She will sometimes get them a lemonade or ice cream out, which she doesn't ask to be paid back for. Of course, if we are out together, I am just as likely to treat her to lunch, etc. It just works out :)

[zoobie]

I would pay grandparents for regular, ongoing childcare. I don't pay or offer to pay (nor would they have accepted--it would have been taken as an insult) when they have watched the kids while I was in the hospital after having a baby or my DH had surgery. We left the house fully stocked with food and entertainment, and they used our vehicle for any driving with the kids. I believe we left cash clipped to the pizza menu on the fridge, but that wasn't used. If they invite the kids over to spend time with them, they pay for any outings and meals. 

 

I really don't want to perform regular childcare for future, hypothetical grandchildren. I will happily provide free, enthusiastic respite care (dates, getaways, emergencies) if I am able. 

[Carol in Cal.]

I don't have grandchildren, but I can't imagine charging for babysitting, but, I also don't know whether I'd be up for doing it fulltime.  I don't know whether I would want to be on that much of a schedule.  Maybe, maybe not.  

[TX Native]

My mom refused payment for watching my children one day/week and periodically for work inservices when I had a job. This is when they were babies and toddlers. I even tried to leave fun money for activities and she refused. She is on a super tight budget so I wanted to pay what I would pay a sitter, but she wouldn't take money. I worked part time and put them in daycare drop off one day/week as well. I would buy her gifts, give restaurant gift cards, and help with some things but I ended up getting the good end of the stick. She watched my sisters kids part of the day for free and my sister's MIL watched for free the other half (each grandparent worked full time, but had different work schedules) while my sister's kids were little.

 

My MIL lives out of town and works FT, but comes for the weekend and offers for dh and I to go on a date a couple times/year. Sometimes she comes just to visit and doesn't offer to babysit. We never ask to go out if she doesn't offer. She has come to babysit when dh had surgery and when I was helping her ex-husband (my FIL) with a surgery. She won't let us pay her, even when she takes the kids out for food or activities. She usually takes them shopping and buys them clothes, toys, and candy as well. We keep telling her it isn't necessary, but she says she wants to do it. She has invited the kids to come spend a few days with her this summer. They have done this twice before. She has been too busy with other things to do this every year, but likes for them to come for a few days when it works out. We try to give her at least fun spending money, but she says she wants to treat them.

 

If we needed full time ongoing childcare, I would not want to ask the grandparents to watch them because they would refuse adequate payment and I would feel I was taking advantage of the situation. An exception would be to get us through a temporary rough spot. On the flip side-if our parents ever needed to come live with us due to medical or financial reasons, we would refuse money if they wanted to pay rent to live with us.

 

If I get to be a grandma someday, I likely wouldn't charge for occasional babysitting. I would likely babysit for free if my children needed FT childcare temporarily to get through a rough time. I would not babysit FT for free as an ongoing thing unless there was an unforeseen stressful long term situation like a disability or one child ending up as a single parent.

Edited June 6, 2016 by TX native

[KungFuPanda]

I think it should be up to the grandmother, but not expected. I've seen some people really use their mothers and never make a real effort to reciprocate. I could see charging, but putting that money into a college fund for the kid as a graduation surprise.

[Mom23Boys]

I can't see myself keeping my grandchildren for free FT. I worked at a MDO program and saw lots of grandparents who were FT caregivers, except for the few hours of MDO. Several of them paid for the program, but didn't get paid for keeping their grandchildren. Almost everyone ended up feeling taken advantage of. The dynamic was different bt them and their children. IME, some people tend to place more value on things they pay for, even if it's a token amount.

 

That being said, I also can't see myself charging market rates, unless I was in a situation where I really needed the money. In that case, it could be mutually beneficial, even if money wasn't much different. I've seen that happen too. The child was being cared for by a loving grandparent and the grandparent had an income.

 

I would never charge for normal babysitting - things like going to the doctor, date nights, and other random things, even like going away for the weekend now and then. I also doubt I would charge for keeping my grand child(ren) 1 or 2 days a week on a regular basis.

[theelfqueen]

My mother was the first caregiver for both of my older sons while I worked -- she did not work and she did not charge me. But it was only for a few months each.

 

She is also an occasional sitter for us (earlier this year she kept Sherlock for a week while I traveled with DH) and has never charged us.

 

I keep my niece two afternoons a week and don't charge my brother anything.

 

[Night Elf]

I'm not a grandparent yet but I answered no. I've told my kids that if they live near me, I'll watch my grandchildren while they work. I want to save them money, and I want to spend time with my grandchildren. I can't imagine having them pay me. It will be my privilege as much as I feel it is for me to be a parent. If I can swing it financially, I'll pay for other things we do like activity fees or movie tickets or something like that. I'm sure my children would help pay for extras even if I don't need it.

[Granny_Weatherwax]

Thanks for the responses.  It's been an interesting read.  I appreciate everyone's input but want to reiterate that my questions are about almost FT to FT daycare so parents can work, not the occasional day or two or under special circumstances (vacation, weekend away, etc).  

 

I wouldn't charge for babysitting either but daycare is not babysitting IMO. I view the two things as inherently different.  It's one thing to have the grandchildren for a couple of hours and maybe have a meal, play with toys, or have a short outing (babysitting) than it is to be responsible for 8-10 hours of continuous care (feeding, bathing, entertainment, play groups, etc) five days a week (daycare).

[Joker]

I just don't think I would view it as that different because they would be my grandchildren. I wouldn't think of it as providing daycare. It's honestly something, at least at this point in time, that I would love to do.

[Lady Florida.]

We rarely watch our grandsons because of the distance, but when we have we considered it a treat to spend time with them. I can't imagine charging even if we regularly watched them. Ddil's sister and mother often watch them - they both live closer than we do - and I know they would never dream of charging either. My mother watched her grandaughter (my niece) when she was little and never charged my brother. I also watched her, and it was a special time for both my niece and me. We're still close even now that  she's grown and has children, partly due to the time she spent with me as a child. My mother also watched ds when he was little, although since I was a sahm it wasn't often necessary.

 

I think if the grandparent quits a job they needed to work in order to provide daycare, it would justify charging. Any other reason is beyond my ability to understand. I grew up with grandparents, aunts and uncles all watching everyone's children though. Sometimes my cousins and I were both being babysat by my grandmother. Sometimes my aunt babysat my brother and me. Sometimes my mother babysat my cousins. It's family. It's what you do.

[MotherGoose]

Nowhere close to that, but my inclination is that I'd hope I wouldn't need the money and wouldn't want to be paid. However, I can't see really wanting to do the all day every day type care by then either. Help out a lot, even on a regular basis, but not all day every day. I'd Iike to have time to join a book club, a Bible study, volunteer somewhere, read a book in peace, paint a picture--you know all the things you don't have time to do with children around all the time.

[Dynamite5]

In my culture, grandparents typically live with one of their children. They care for the grandchildren while both parents work, or even while one parent works and the other tends to household and social duties. It's a bit different in that they're already THERE with the family and the finances are already mingling in part, if not whole.

 

I lived with my parents for many, many years, especially when my husband was deployed. Initially my mom worked outside of the home. She didn't retire to watch my kids, but she cut back her hours and we scheduled our work days around each other. Eventually she did retire, an event completely unrelated to her role as a caregiving grandmother. She never needed to work for money, it was something she enjoyed doing. I did not pay her directly for child care, but we shared living expenses anyway so it was a wash.

 

When my brother and his wife deployed I quit my job so I could care for their 3 children (and mine, I was pregnant with my fourth) in their absence. Payment was never discussed, we're all on the same page that this is what family does. I was not paid directly but they bought me a new van to accommodate all of our kids and covered our utility bills. A good portion of their BAH was sent to our sister, who had just started her masters degree. Another brother covered the cost of things my income would have - sports for the kids, vacations, etc. - because I took/picked up his kids from school and watched them on sick days and over school breaks. We still lived with my parents so they covered food, etc. Mostly we absorbed my lost income as an extended family. It worked out for all of us individually and collectively.

 

I went back to work which involved a lot of traveling, and my mom assumed my role as the family's caregiver. Again, she wasn't directly paid. She covered food, entry fees, and anything they did on 'her' time. We (the kids) bought memberships all over town and covered each other so mom could still enjoy book/gardening clubs, volunteering, etc. We want her to have a life outside of us. We bought her a car, we send her on vacations with her siblings, we bought our parents a vacation home and cover all related expenses, and we try to give them things they can afford but would never buy for themselves. They come out way ahead financially LOL.

 

We're pretty typical of my culture, aside from a multi-generation home (which we did have for years). But we've heard many times over the years from friends and co-workers that this arrangement would never work for them. They prefer, and maybe need, the clear cut boundaries that a paid relationship implies. Some have even said that they'd rather pay a stranger than their family to watch their kids because of strained family relationships. Others have said that payment for grandparent caregivers is what keeps their relationship from getting too strained. It's foreign to me, but I trust my family and we're all on the same page WRT childcare practices.

 

Knowing that my kids are growing up in a more Western culture, this is something I wonder about. If my daughters-in-law have different ideas about child-rearing I'm open to going back to work and just giving them some money so a parent can stay home those early years. But I'll otherwise be available - free! - for regular childcare so my grandkids' parents can work, volunteer, have hobbies or just down time. I'd love it, actually. But I also won't need the income since my pension and military retirement will have kicked in.  If I did need the income I'd just as soon work as my kids' caregiver, even at a slight loss, than to see that outsourced beyond family.

 

This sounds like a beautiful way to live and raise children.

[Tita Gidge]

Thanks for the responses.  It's been an interesting read.  I appreciate everyone's input but want to reiterate that my questions are about almost FT to FT daycare so parents can work, not the occasional day or two or under special circumstances (vacation, weekend away, etc).  

 

I wouldn't charge for babysitting either but daycare is not babysitting IMO. I view the two things as inherently different.  It's one thing to have the grandchildren for a couple of hours and maybe have a meal, play with toys, or have a short outing (babysitting) than it is to be responsible for 8-10 hours of continuous care (feeding, bathing, entertainment, play groups, etc) five days a week (daycare).

 

I understand your reiteration because I agree that the two are inherently different.

 

But for my family, although the concepts (babysitting and daycare) are inherently different, how the family views them is not. That is, despite social definitions making a clear distinction between the two ... the 'family' definitions lump them together.  It seems from some other posts, that this is true for other families as well. And so it might not be common, but it's also not unheard of.

 

I used to travel 2-4 days each week. My husband was usually deployed and unavailable. Like a good Asian daughter I went into a career my parents wanted/expected/pushed me into. They were happy to keep the kids for 2-4 days and nights each week because to them it was a natural extension of their ideal for our family. Plus we already lived with them so they were used to these things anyhow LOL.

 

I'm retired from that job and they still keep the kids a few nights each week because they like to. This includes all meals, field trips, homework, and my dad does all scout stuff with the boys. On the days they're with her she takes them to their sports practices, shopping for new clothes, and to get haircuts or whatever they ask for or need. They consider this part of being grandparents, which is why they still do all of these things even though I'm home F/T now. And they do it on their own dime. If I tried to restrict this time or their money out, my parents would be insulted.

 

16 of my mom's grandkids are local to her. All will tell you they think they're her favorite because of the time and effort she puts into them. She just stopped by to drop off our clean laundry (which she washes for us - for free, by her own choice) and I asked how much she would charge for daycare to watch the kids 40 hours a week for me. She literally doesn't understand the question. The concept of me paying her to watch my kids every day is so foreign that she thinks it's a trick question.

[BooksandBoys]

Voted other. My mother provides part time care for a grandchild so his parents can work. They do not pay her, but she is also unavailable several months of the year when she travels to visit me and my children. The deal is that as long as they don't complain or guilt her about her travels, she won't charge them.

 

If grandparents provided care for my kids so we could both work, I would pay them (I actually have this deal with my friend. We swap childcare for free (and liberally) unless one of us is doing something to earn money. In that case, we pay. It's a good arrangement for us). I do not want the grandparents of my children to feel taken advantage of, and, if it were possible (i.e., they lived nearby so I could hire them), I would love to be able to contribute to their financial health while simultaneously rebuilding my career.

[FaithManor]

For part time, I would not. For full time, I would expect something, and especially so if I gave up returning to the workforce - as is the plan - to shore up our retirement savings. I would be giving up future financial security for helping to raise a grandchild. Not ideal for us at all with two boys in college this fall, and another entering in two years.

 

But, I'd also want to help, and I dearly love my little grandson so if dd and hubby lived near - which they don't, sadly sniff sniff - I would try to find a happy medium...granny care being cheaper than day care, however not free either. And that would go for something like a regular basis. If it was a matter of just being the fill in marmee when the day care is closed, or has a bunch of kids coming down sick, or baby is sick, or whatever, then I'd do that for free for certain.

[Tita Gidge]

For part time, I would not. For full time, I would expect something, and especially so if I gave up returning to the workforce - as is the plan - to shore up our retirement savings. I would be giving up future financial security for helping to raise a grandchild. Not ideal for us at all with two boys in college this fall, and another entering in two years.

 

:grouphug: It's hard to live far away from the grandbabies!

 

I think the snippet above gives insight into different culture, whether those or social or familial. I ask this (of everyone reading) with genuine interest and unfamiliarity, I don't ask with any judgment:

 

Regarding future financial security, whose side is it coming from that you'd be giving it up?

 

Is it from the grandparent POV that should a financial need arise your children wouldn't or couldn't or shouldn't have to help out? Is it from the parent (your child's) POV that should a financial need arise, they wouldn't or shouldn't have to help out? Is it both, maybe stemming from a family or social norm that has a stronger emphasis on independence - particularly when it comes to finances?

 

I come from a culture (family and social) where retirement generally is all about helping to raise a grandchild. And it's something that actually secures the future financial security of the grandparents. So it's kind of the opposite of what's described above.

 

I've lived in the US long enough to recognize many of the social norms, but it's harder to find someone willing to answer these type of questions for me so I can learn the WHY behind these norms. I don't mean to be nosy, I'm raising American children who are very likely to marry outside of our ethnic culture. It's going to take extra effort on my end to not be a PITA MIL. :leaving: And I'm a planner LOL.

[goldberry]

In my experience it has been totally related to the money situation.  My mom never asked for or expected money, and I never offered.  She stayed at home, and her and my dad are financially very stable.  She didn't need the money at all, and she knew we made far less.

 

My niece and her DH make quite a bit of money.  Her mom (my sister) does not and is always in financial trouble.  Niece always pays her mother, at the very least a nice amount for food and entertainment if it is just the afternoon, and more if it is an arrangement for a trip or something.

 

If I am a grandmother, it would never occur to me to ask for money unless I couldn't afford to do the sitting without asking for money.  If I had to quit a job and could not afford that pay cut, then it would be a consideration.  It would also depend on the situation DD is in.  If she is making quite a bit of money (more than her dad and I) then I would consider it kind for her to offer it like my niece does.  I would accept it if I knew it was "extra" money for her.  I would never accept money out of her need if I was able to.

[goldberry]

Thanks for the responses.  It's been an interesting read.  I appreciate everyone's input but want to reiterate that my questions are about almost FT to FT daycare so parents can work, not the occasional day or two or under special circumstances (vacation, weekend away, etc).  

 

I wouldn't charge for babysitting either but daycare is not babysitting IMO. I view the two things as inherently different.  It's one thing to have the grandchildren for a couple of hours and maybe have a meal, play with toys, or have a short outing (babysitting) than it is to be responsible for 8-10 hours of continuous care (feeding, bathing, entertainment, play groups, etc) five days a week (daycare).

 

 

Okay sorry should have read your clarification first.  I would not do FT daycare for DD if I had an option as I just wouldn't enjoy it.  If it was not an option (DD needed to work and could not afford regular day care) then I would do and of course would not expect any money, because that would be the only way I would end up doing it.  

 

The situations I know of do not involve paying the GP's anything unless the daughter/son is well off and they just prefer the GP to watch rather than a regular provider.  In most cases they are using the GP because they cannot afford full time child care.

[Laura Corin]

My stepmother looked after her first grandchild for a year, three days a week, while my half sister worked. She didn't take payment but my sister paid for her train ticket and had her to stay: stepmother lived 90 minutes away.

[foxbridgeacademy]

I hope my children have children and all the planets align so that what I'm about to say comes true  ;) ..... I hope to be the part time to even full time childcare provider for my future grandchildren (we're willing to move to be closer to DC's future families if needed). Unless my children are financially unable (student loans, low pay job....) I expect to be paid the cost of food and any membership fees we incur for classes, activities etc.... If they want to give me a bit extra, great but not necessary. If for some crazy reason we are financially unstable and I need to work or get paid, well let's hope I never have to make that choice. :crying:

 

*If financially able, I could see helping DC pay for a part time sitter so I could run errands and such too.

[Guest]

I can't vote because I don't have grandchildren yet. If I did have grandchildren, I believe a lot of it would depend on the circumstances. I don't think I would provide FT daycare completely for free so my child could live a posh life as a...I don't knw, International Banker, say. But if circumstances befell my child such that working was barely putting bread in their mouths, and this was how I could help, I would help.

 

I think if my grown children were making ends meet reasonably well, I would possibly provide free care, but would possibly not pay for additional fees and expenses beyond making lunch for the kids. I would say, "I can take Baby to the pool all summer, but the fee is $200 and I can't foot that cost."

[TX Native]

:grouphug: It's hard to live far away from the grandbabies!

 

I think the snippet above gives insight into different culture, whether those or social or familial. I ask this (of everyone reading) with genuine interest and unfamiliarity, I don't ask with any judgment:

 

Regarding future financial security, whose side is it coming from that you'd be giving it up?

 

Is it from the grandparent POV that should a financial need arise your children wouldn't or couldn't or shouldn't have to help out? Is it from the parent (your child's) POV that should a financial need arise, they wouldn't or shouldn't have to help out? Is it both, maybe stemming from a family or social norm that has a stronger emphasis on independence - particularly when it comes to finances?

 

I come from a culture (family and social) where retirement generally is all about helping to raise a grandchild. And it's something that actually secures the future financial security of the grandparents. So it's kind of the opposite of what's described above.

 

I've lived in the US long enough to recognize many of the social norms, but it's harder to find someone willing to answer these type of questions for me so I can learn the WHY behind these norms. I don't mean to be nosy, I'm raising American children who are very likely to marry outside of our ethnic culture. It's going to take extra effort on my end to not be a PITA MIL. :leaving: And I'm a planner LOL.

OT from thread and TMI about me, but these are great perceptions and curiosities. I am American and am mostly exposed to the "to each his own" views. I am mostly familiar with each family unit (husband, wife, children) having to find their own ways to make ends meet, and getting regular help from extended relatives isn't the norm. I don't agree with it. I like the idea of daily multigenerational connectedness and helping each other out. I'm not talking about asking a grandparent for free childcare so I can get rich and do all these extravagent things, but if one of us is struggling, having someone available to help ride the wave is invaluable. Or in my mom's case as a single mom, my grandma would look after us for free so she could earn money. We lived next door and basically fended for ourselves past age 10, but it worked. Both my mom and MIL would help us out in a heartbeat with full time childcare or whatever, but it is physically taxing for them to do that because they work. Our parents on both sides are divorced and are all having to work full time to pay for their own separate living expenses. That's 4 full household expenses, separate insurances, separate car trips to come to holidays and birthday parties, and cars for 4 separate individuals because of divorce. This has led to both sets of our parents having to work longer and harder and none have retirement. Well, MIL has some, but not enough to retire when she would like. They don't expect to need to depend on us someday, but I am betting out of 4 of them, a couple of them will need us. My mom is betting that a reverse mortgage and social security is going to carry her through without needing my help, but I doubt it. The parents (mine and ILs) don't consider their old age our responsibility, but I do. We hope to be able to accommodate if needed. Now if any of the ex's need to live with us at the same time, there is just one spare room and they will have to figure it out. We are not getting a bigger house with a higher mortgage because they decided to live separately. My friend who is very independent and an only child told me her mom had long term care insurance and the mom is not planning to have the friend take care of her. My friend does not think it wise of me to plan to continue to stay out of the workforce to be a martyr for our parents if they need care. She thinks I should have a purpose in life beyond raising my kids followed by being a caregiver to my parents or ILs. Our parents are all nearing retirement age and 3 are already showing signs of declining health, so I see it as a high likelihood of needing one or some of them to live with us in the next 10 years. I hope to be able to do it the way other cultures do it instead of throwing them in a gov't nursing facility and telling them to grin and bear it. I do not agree with my friend, but if their plan works for her and her mom that is great for them. I do know if I can't physically can't care for one of our parents, especially my very tall larger bone FIL, then the nursing facility may be a sad reality. Or if one develops severe dementia and I could not provide 24/7 continual monitoring. If we had lots of siblings to all help together, that would help avoid that, but we don't. That is what I like about larger families staying close together, they can rotate needs within a family as needed if a need becomes too much for one person. That is what I like about the way some other cultures do it. FIL has said he plans to not need our help in old age, but time will tell. I hope to do all we can. I know that is shifting away from the cultural norm. There are a few times I encounter it done the way you describe it in this culture, it's just not often.

[katilac]

I'm not there yet so didn't vote, but I'm giving my thoughts anyway! 

 

My mom made it very clear that she wouldn't provide full-time care for love or money, lol. When my sister and brother had kids, I think she was still at the point of enjoying her own job and paycheck out in the world after many years at home. Plus, she is definitely the spoil them rotten type grandma, my kids are teens now and her and my dad still go out and buy 'special' snacks if they know they are coming over, lol. They were strict with us but anything goes with the grands! 

 

For myself, my first instinct would be that I wouldn't accept pay unless I needed it. The more I think about it, though, I'm leaning towards charging under market rate. One reason would be in case I couldn't do it any longer, they wouldn't have as big of a budget adjustment, and it would eliminate worries about paying for outings and stuff, or having money needed for retirement expenses. 

 

Another reason would be that I would want to treat both of my kids equally. If they have kids at different times, i would feel badly one of them got free childcare from me and the other didn't, say if I got too old and decrepit, or they have too many kids between them, lol. Doing it for pay is still a big help -it would be at least somewhat less, they'd never have late fees, I include free homeschooling - while still giving me room to level the playing field as needed. 

 

 

[Tita Gidge]

She thinks I should have a purpose in life beyond raising my kids followed by being a caregiver to my parents or ILs.

 

If we had lots of siblings to all help together, that would help avoid that, but we don't. That is what I like about larger families staying close together, they can rotate needs within a family as needed if a need becomes too much for one person.

 

My mom is a natural caregiver. She has other interests in life, but she'd be the first to say that her purpose in life is to take care of her family. She raised her kids, helped raise her grandkids, and helps with the daily care of her aunts and uncle (all in their 90s and living with one of my brothers and a cousin). She has said before something like the point of living is to ease the lives of others. To her it's as noble as the choice to be a SAHM (which she never was), and I'm inclined to agree.

 

It does help that she comes from a large family. It definitely helps that I also come from a large family. It wasn't the reason I did, but it does make me grateful to have also had a large family. I have a number of friends in their 40s and 50s who are facing the prospect of helping to care for retiring parents - many with failing health. And it's hard because it seems to fall on the one sibling who stayed local; meanwhile there are only another 1-2 siblings *MAYBE* to split the load of work that doesn't need to be local (care costs, setting appointments). I can't even fathom how overwhelming and stressful that'd be.

 

I admire you for the perspective you have towards your family in their later years. I hope your kids absorb the same mindset and see it as a privilege to care for you the way you did for them. For that matter, I hope my kids do also! I hedged my bets by having lots of them LOL.