Elderly relative paying you rent? Please read post

[Laura Corin]

Here are two scenarios:

 

a) frail but not unwell elderly person comes to live with you, has own room and bathroom, and use of the whole house; she eats with you and you run all her errands (she doesn't drive).  The room is lying empty and would only be used for occasional visitors if she wasn't there.

 

b) the same as a) but you had hoped to start making money from the room through Air BnB (you live in a tourist area).  You don't need the money for everyday expenses but Husband is underemployed and approaching 60, so you want to prepare for your own old age by saving what you can.

 

In each scenario, would you ask the elderly person (who has means and wants to contribute) to pay a share of the household expenses - food, heating, etc. - or household expenses plus rent?  FWIW, the elderly person's will divides the estate (which may well be close to zero by the time she dies) between all her children equally.

[abba12]

Other.

 

In my family the intention of the space wouldn't be relevant.

 

We have had various house sharing arrangements in the past among generations, and as teens we were expected to contribute to board once we started working. Everyone has an expectation to contribute, and, especially if the generation is older, they will not accept the receiver refusing payment.

 

Because of this family culture, generally rent/board amount is decided on by the payer, not the receiver, and generally is influenced, in part, by their means at the time. It's less than we would rent to a stranger though.

 

In your case I would expect the offer to be around 50% of what you could rent the room for, plus any extra expenses like a portion of groceries, provided that is in the means of the payer. Household chores or responsibilities may contribute towards this value in a non-monetary way

 

I would not consider errands to be an expense unless they were particularly inconvenient, that's where the family helping family bit kicks in. My guess is this relative will get a lot of unpaid help and support from you, which is why a small rent contribution from them will help to take some stress off in return for your various inconveniences, it's win-win

[LucyStoner]

I would charge a very modest amount of room and board if the person was able and wanted to pay.

 

Caregiving isn't easy and it can help the older person maintain their own sense of importance/dignity if they feel they are chipping in rather than costing money on top of time. A lot of people wouldn't want to feel dependent (even as they are needing more care.) Contributing financially is one way for it to feel like a reciprocal relationship and for the older person to not feel like a burden (even if the younger householder doesn't see it that way at all.)

Edited February 16, 2016 by LucyStoner

[kroe1]

Too many other factors which may change my decision so I did not vote. For example, if it is a parent, I would not charge. By bringing me into the world, the parent has already contributed enough. However, if it was a long lost aunt, I might charge room and board.

[Sarah CB]

I wouldn't require it, but in a situation where the relative had the means and wanted to contribute I'd certainly welcome the contribution.

 

 

[Pawz4me]

Our family culture is to not charge relatives for anything, ever.  If we had (for example) a TV we weren't using and a family member needed it we'd give it to them.  But there are times when I think it can be beneficial to let an older relative pay for some things.  At a time of life when much dignity and independence is being lost, allowing an elderly person to contribute financially can help them retain some sense of dignity and prevent them from feeling like a burden (or at least not so much of a burden), I think.

Edited February 16, 2016 by Pawz4me

[Melissa in Australia]

I am not sure exactly what I would do.

 

 I voted living expenses.

 

 

  In Australia you can get a government funded portable granny flat put in you r back yard that the elderly person pays rent to the government on.  When the elderly relative passes on, then the granny flat is removed and shift to someone else's place. it has it's own electric metre etc so they will also pay living expenses.

[SKL]

Since s/he wants to contribute, I would charge a share of the out-of-pocket expenses.  I might put it aside in case she needs it for any emergency or special purchase later.

[abba12]

I am not sure exactly what I would do.

 

 I voted living expenses.

 

 

  In Australia you can get a government funded portable granny flat put in you r back yard that the elderly person pays rent to the government on.  When the elderly relative passes on, then the granny flat is removed and shift to someone else's place. it has it's own electric metre etc so they will also pay living expenses.

 

Is that a state or federal program? I've never heard of it before, but then again I haven't really looked into it yet. I may have use in the future for something like that as it looks like my mothers parents will end up living with us eventually, and they are very, very proud and independent.

[Melissa in Australia]

Is that a state or federal program? I've never heard of it before, but then again I haven't really looked into it yet. I may have use in the future for something like that as it looks like my mothers parents will end up living with us eventually, and they are very, very proud and independent.

not sure if it is state or federal. It is available here in Vic and I am pretty sure in NSW as well. I would imagine there is something similar in other states. there might be a bit of a waiting time not sure., I know my neighbour had one for a few years.

 

 You can also put in a granny flat privately - they are atm changing the laws (Aus wide) on granny flats to make it very easy to get the permits to install them

[abba12]

not sure if it is state or federal. It is available here in Vic and I am pretty sure in NSW as well. I would imagine there is something similar in other states. there might be a bit of a waiting time not sure., I know my neighbour had one for a few years.

 

 You can also put in a granny flat privately - they are atm changing the laws (Aus wide) on granny flats to make it very easy to get the permits to install them

 

That's great! Last time anyone I knew checked into it, around 15 years ago, they still had to share the same roofing structure and there were apparently quite strict rules. They could be separate but had to the joined in some way, like a shared (and roofed) patio, or a joining wall, which was ridiculous. This is all coming second-hand from my FIL though so I could be wrong

 

Either way, sounds like they're lightening up, I'll be keeping that in mind. 

[Joules]

I said pay rent from personal experience of seeing the financial situation I put us in from years of elder care.  In prime retirement funding years, it can really make a difference.  In my case care was time-consuming, so I couldn't work as much as I had planned in those years.

 

There is a gut reaction of "You can't make your parents pay; you owe them!" (I suffered from that guilt, and did not do what I am recommending.)  But think about it a different way.  That money is simply an inheritance.  When the money is gone, you will still take care of your parent for free (I would have.)  If the money wasn't even there, you would take care of her.  The only people you are taking the money from is your siblings (or other heirs), and most people (even said heirs) will think that is fair: You should be compensated for taking the lion's share of the care right now (and it is lots more than you think.)  

 

So if you are the sort of family that will take care of her no matter what, the decision really rests with the heirs.  I think the sibling that takes on the care should get fair compensation, even if it means that, in effect, they will get a larger share of the inheritance.

 

(If you were going to throw her out on the street when the rent/expense money ran out, I would think differently ;-)  )

[Roadrunner]

That depends on who that person is. It's it's a parent, I wouldn't charge anything or require anything, but that's a cultural thing. It will be unheard of taking money from an elderly parent. Instead, if she wanted to contribute, she could set that money aside and eventually leave it to you in her will. That's what I would do if I were the elderly person in that situation. 

If it's another elderly relative, I would think it would be O.K. to contribute for household expenses. I didn't vote, because I am unsure if you are asking about a parent or not. 

[Kerileanne99]

I vote have them contribute a modest rent/living expenses, below fair market value.

 

And another thing- it sounds harsh, especially if the elder in question is a parent, but I would have them sign a lease to that effect showing the monthly amount in question. Whether or not you actually keep to it is not the issue, and you could alter it if situations changed...but I have seen two friends get into difficult situations from this very thing.

One friend cared for their grandmother, who contributed sporadically but at their own discretion when a need arose. When that elder became more infirm and the savings was diminishing, will beneficiaries actually reported my friend to adult protective services. They were eventually totally cleared but it took YEARS of paperwork and horror:(

The case worker told my friend that they advise that legal protection to everyone, signed at the beginning before anyone can claim there is coercion. It is for everyone's protection, I can see that, but it does seem harsh!

[lmrich]

She will contribute on her own. I expect her generosity would exceed the small monthly charge.

[KungFuPanda]

Here are two scenarios:

 

a) frail but not unwell elderly person comes to live with you, has own room and bathroom, and use of the whole house; she eats with you and you run all her errands (she doesn't drive). The room is lying empty and would only be used for occasional visitors if she wasn't there.

 

b) the same as a) but you had hoped to start making money from the room through Air BnB (you live in a tourist area). You don't need the money for everyday expenses but Husband is underemployed and approaching 60, so you want to prepare for your own old age by saving what you can.

 

In each scenario, would you ask the elderly person (who has means and wants to contribute) to pay a share of the household expenses - food, heating, etc. - or household expenses plus rent? FWIW, the elderly person's will divides the estate (which may well be close to zero by the time she dies) between all her children equally.

There wasn't an option for it, but I'd do rent only and set it at a rate to cover expected household expenses. I'd divide current expenses by the number of people in the house and add that amount to a very modest rent rate. A set amount each month just seems easier and then there's no monthly meeting to figure it out.

 

This is only if the person can afford it. I'd feel like a burden if I lived with my daughter without contributing to the household. I mean what else would I even do with the money at that age? Save it to share evenly with the kids I don't live with? That's nuts.

[MaeFlowers]

It would depend. Most of my family or dh's family would contribute without asking. Some would sap you dry and have no qualms about doing so. I wouldn't let those individuals live with us in the first place.

[catz]

I think it depends on my finances vs the finances of the incoming elderly. I do think if the elderly person can afford it, they should contribute to the household. It's a huge sacrifice to have someone move into your space like that financially and otherwise. And I wouldn't feel any particular obligation to keep the inheritance as large as possible for all the siblings.

[Annie G]

I try to put myself in each position- the elderly parent and the caregiving child. As the elderly parent, I would want to pay something so I didn't feel like a freeloader, and especially if I knew my kid could use the money. As the caregiving child, I would like to receive something to help me when times are tough and I'm feeling like caregiving is a burden.  Not saying that you'll feel that way, but when errands pile up or you're really tired but Mom needs something, knowing you're able to tuck a few dollars away for retirement might help you plod on with a good attitude. I know that sounds awful but if you'd already thought about making money using the room as an air bnb then it might make sense to charge mom a little. 

 

I second the person above who mentioned a lease or something written. I think that's important for the other siblings. People can do crazy things when a parent passes and you don't want anyone to ever feel that you took advantage of your mom. I guess a written lease doesn't really eliminate that but it might help. 

 

You asked some good questions...it's making me think about the situation with my dad and my inlaws. 

[JFSinIL]

I voted "other" since how much of rent/expenses she paid would depend on what her income is, her assets - and whether or not her paying would overly reduce what she might need for end of life care down the road.  Yes, she should certainly pay something - she may feel like a leech otherwise - but probably not as much as you may have gotten by renting out the room to tourists. 

 

I agree with KungFu Panda - don't worry about saving any of her money to eventfully share with the folks who did NOT take her into their home.  But do think ahead - I do not know how it works in Britain, but here if you do not have any assets/income when (if) you need to go into a nursing home you may be in bad shape unless your kids can all come up with lots of money to cover it.  Don't assume she won't need more care than you can give her someday.

 

Heck, if possible, I'd let her pay some rent/expenses BUT keep it in a separate bank account earmarked for her eventual car (if needed).  Unless you do need the money now. 

 

Both my folks in California are still in their homes (divorced, each living with a long-term significant other but not rewed) but only hanging on by the skin of their teeth (dad has dementia, mom is physically very frail and has dementia, but not near as bad as Dad) since it is so costly to go into assisted care/nursing home (and Dad would need a secure facility dedicated to  dementia care (can't spell the "A" word and spellcheck thinks I am trying to type altimeters)) and we need the money to last as long as possible.  

 

Edited February 16, 2016 by JFSinIL

[FaithManor]

I think that if you don't go ahead with the AirBnB plan and then end up taking on another part time job or something so that you can put money away for retirement, that will have a negative effect on her so it is perfectly acceptable to let her contribute.

 

Think of it from the perspective of Calvin and Hobbes some day. If your retirement is under funded and you have nothing to contribute, go live with them while they are still raising their own families, will you be putting an undo financial burden on them? Would you want that? What kind of example do you want to set for them?

 

I believe it would be better to have her contribute and put that directly into savings so that you are fully funded when you are in the same predicament so that Calvin and Hobbes have peace of mind.

 

Do you have siblings? If you do and they contribute nothing in all of this, it might be time to question that fairness of that. If mum is living with you full time and you are absorbing all the costs, it might be time for them to either agree that mum should be helping, or that they need to make contributions if they don't want their mother to do so.

[Okra]

Generally, if the elderly person has the money to do so, I would charge a small amount of money.  This is good for you and also makes the person staying with you feel that they are helping you out.

[Pam in CT]

Laura, I didn't vote because for me it's not really answerable as a hypothetical; it just comes down to family-specific circumstances and dynamics.

 

As a general matter, I agree with Katie's comments to the effect that paying-one's-way confers dignity and autonomy to the elder person.

 

I also agree with Joules that accepting rent above expenses is in effect draining future inheritance from the siblings.  Their financial circumstances, their likely response if/when rental payments were discovered, and the extent to which they currently are involved in the caretaking and decisionmaking of the elder would all to me matter.  

 

 

 

 

OT to OP but...

I am not sure exactly what I would do.

 

 I voted living expenses.

 

 

  In Australia you can get a government funded portable granny flat put in you r back yard that the elderly person pays rent to the government on.  When the elderly relative passes on, then the granny flat is removed and shift to someone else's place. it has it's own electric metre etc so they will also pay living expenses.

This.Is.#Brilliant.

[Sarah CB]

I think it depends on my finances vs the finances of the incoming elderly. I do think if the elderly person can afford it, they should contribute to the household. It's a huge sacrifice to have someone move into your space like that financially and otherwise. And I wouldn't feel any particular obligation to keep the inheritance as large as possible for all the siblings.

 

Not only would I not feel an obligation to keep the inheritance large for other siblings, I'd also expect that the other siblings would contribute to the elderly person's living expenses if the elderly person wasn't able to herself.

 

I don't see why one sibling would have to take on the personal responsibility of care taking along with the financial obligations that go along with that while the other siblings don't contribute and then inherit the same amount.

[ThisIsTheDay]

I think that it would be fair to both parties for the person to make some sort of contribution.  If I were in this situation, and the person did not feel an obligation to at least take some sort of responsibility, that feeling of entitlement may have a far greater impact on the living arrangement as a whole.  Of course, it wouldn't need to be profitable for the homeowners, nor should it be burdensome to the elderly relative.  The balance would depend on the particulars. 

[JustEm]

I picked other. If it were my parents I would not charge them but would allow them to contribute if they wanted without expecting it. Anyone else and I'd charge a small amount to off shoot the added utilities and food expenses. I wouldn't charge rent.

[maize]

If she wants to contribute household expenses plus rent let her contribute, that choice allows her greater dignity.

[Arcadia]

Both scenarios, my relatives would have chip in on money for groceries but not for utilities.

 

If they are financially able, they would give token amount of money as gifts to help out but not as regular a timing or a fixed amount as rent.

[Katy]

nm

Edited July 22, 2016 by Katy

[plansrme]

I voted "other" because I would charge a flat rate regardless of how much household expenses ended up being.  In other words, I would say, "$300/month covers room and board and my help with errands," rather than, "Pay us $200/month for rent, and then we'll sit down every month and calculate your share of food and utilities, and you'll end up owing me an additional $94.62."  The latter is too nickel and dime, plus it could cause hard feelings if you have different ideas about how hot to keep temps in the winter or how cool in the summer, or about price of groceries.

 

I would have zero qualms about charging even a parent, provided the parent had the means to pay something.  I would start with what she was paying on her previous living arrangement and work down or up from there.

[Crimson Wife]

DH, oldest DD, and I lived with my parents for a year during DH's grad school. I bought the groceries that my parents wouldn't otherwise have in the house but otherwise my mom just cooked for 6 rather than 3 (my youngest brother was in high school at the time). We all sat down to calculate the "break-even" point for having us there and that's what I paid my parents out of my salary. It was a one-time calculation rather than a running tab since my parents were not on a tight budget. They're not rich but they're comfortable enough that they could easily absorb minor gaps between what I paid and what the actual cost was.

[Seasider]

I wouldn't require it, but in a situation where the relative had the means and wanted to contribute I'd certainly welcome the contribution.

This, mostly because it serves to preserve dignity and the tenant's feeling of being a contributor to the household. It would not ask but would evaluate an offer.

[Seasider]

Sorry dp

Edited February 16, 2016 by Seasider

[Julie Smith]

Assuming you wanted her there the amount she would pay would be based on:

 

1. How much she could afford (Never more than this)

2. Also take into consideration how much she would pay if not living with you (assuming you both want that situation)

 

My FIL lives with my SIL. He can afford to pay household expenses plus rent and sill have money left over ever month. If he couldn't afford to pay that amount - Dh and SIL would talk about it and Dh would chip in to pay his expenses. 

[AK_Mom4]

Other - she should contribute since she is willing and able, but the amount she contributes should be based on what she can afford, not the going Air BnB rate.

[redsquirrel]

First of all, this is a good thing to figure out. Having had an elderly relative living with us when I was a teen, it does start to cost money. Things like medicine (do you have to pay for prescriptions in the UK?) can cost a LOT. And if you are running errands, like getting the paper or shampoo or clothing, it adds up.

 

The rent I would charge would be nominal. Like 70 pounds a month amount . And it wouldn't occur to me to charge for electricity or water as a separate expense. Maybe a small contribution for food? But because you used the word frail, it makes me think she prob isn't a big eater to begin with? So, that might not be worth bothering with.

 

I do agree that it can feel good for an adult, especially one who is having to leave her home, to feel like she is making a contribution. It allows her to maintain some independence. She is paying her own way and hasn't become dependent on her kids. So, if she really has the means, allow it. It puts her on more of an equal footing at a time when she might feel like she is losing some of that.

 

[Laura Corin]

 

I've heard too many AirB&B horror stories to ever count on it for income.  I'd rather put the kids in school and get a job myself. 

 

I already work full-time and Husband is finding it increasingly hard to find work.  We have to look at the possible.

 

[Laura Corin]

First of all, this is a good thing to figure out. Having had an elderly relative living with us when I was a teen, it does start to cost money. Things like medicine (do you have to pay for prescriptions in the UK?) can cost a LOT.

 

Prescriptions are free for all residents in Scotland.

 

[Ali in OR]

Slightly different situation, but for comparison:

 

Our severely disabled dd turned 18 and is now legally an adult. She gets social security and the advice/instructions given to us by social workers and other parents who have walked this road before us was to charge her rent. It sounds heartless but it actually makes some sense and relieves some stress. Her social security payment is based on whether or not she pays rent--she would get a much smaller amount if she didn't pay rent. And her rent does actually help us out--we're able to fund some house projects that are popping up. I cannot be paid for all of the care I give her (because I'm in charge of her finances--can't do both), but getting a little rent money really does help me do my care giving cheerfully and not really carry guilt about not working outside the home. In the situation you describe, I would charge a monthly rent and not worry about other household expenses (which is a lot of work to track).

[gardenmom5]

mil pays sil 'rent'.  she also pays other sil for "helping her".  she might even pay dnil for help.

 

but hey - she doesn't live with me . . . (as dn said - $1m per day isn't enough . . . . ) 

 

eta: mil has a very comfortable income.  for her to pay rent/help is no big deal.

Edited February 16, 2016 by gardenmom5

[VANURSEPRAC]

My personal situation:

 

I lived 5 hours away from my family for the past almost 20 years. I had a home (modest) I had bought and paid off. I held on to the home and offered if my parents wanted to move in there they could.

They moved in, I have added them to the deed so they could get the head of household deduction and over 65 cap on school taxes. I do not charge them any rent.

They take great care of the home and it is theirs  till they die then it reverts back to me.

 

They pay the property taxes and home owners' insurance.

 

And now they only live 3.5 miles away instead of 350miles. Win-Win for all!

[Carol in Cal.]

I would prefer to structure it differently so that the other siblings would play a larger role.

 

For instance, I would probably say that she can live in my home most of the time, but for XX weeks per year (the prime vacation periods) she needs to be elsewhere so that we can pursue our needed plan to get income from that spot.  My guess is that the sibs would step up and take her in during those periods, and that would go a long way toward making me feel like things are somewhat equalized, plus it would be a prudent, measured way for me to help substantially but not utterly sacrificially.

 

If the sibs would not step up, that would be more between her and them, I would try to stay out of that conversation but still maintain that calendar.  I know that's a bit idealistic, but that's where I would start.

 

And if that all didn't work, I would start with expecting that she would OFFER.  I would think through how likely that is or isn't. 

 

The far last option would be to open the convo myself and put a number on the table.  It would be more than expenses but less than market rates.  My thinking would be that I'm not doing my kids any favors by putting myself in a position to end up financially dependent on them one day. 

 

OTOH, this would depend on the resources of the mother and whether this is a move she wants to make or not.  It would also depend on whether I was the 'rich sibling' or not, in which case I might contribute more and earn less.

 

IRL I have not been in this circumstance.  My parents went through a bad patch where I was driving up (1 1/2 hours each way) to help them really often, and they seemed trapped by their full home with steep stairs on a hill in cooler weather than was really best for them.  I offered to find them a 6 month lease on a small, one story, cute barrier free house in the warmer climate I live in, and help them get situated there for a temporary placement, so that they would be safer and more comfortable, and so that I could pop in with prepared food every couple of days, saving them effort and also to avoid cooking smells which were a medical issue for one of them, and take them to church or on other outings.  Other sibs thought this was brilliant as respite for them, since it would have gotten them out from under a lot of stressful hassle but still left them independent.  They have plenty of money for this.  But they wouldn't even consider it. 

Edited February 16, 2016 by Carol in Cal.

[zoobie]

It would depend on so much... I'd sit down with an elder care expert and get professional advice on the choices. Taxes, Medicare/Medicaid, so much is different here! And differences in families. Maybe you're paying down an estate to qualify for Medicaid, maybe dependent tax credit is more beneficial, any number of options. I would write down the actual costs and hours devoted to care and look at the real number.

 

I would not turn down an offer of contributing to the household (unless dependent tax credit is more advantageous). It helps the person feel like an adult and not a charity case. I never lived at home after high school, paid my way through college and grad school on my own (still paying loans!), and they have not provided child care for us, so we are very much a pay your own way kind of family. I would contribute to my children's households should I live with them at some point.

[redsquirrel]

Prescriptions are free for all residents in Scotland.

 

 

Both my kids are seriously interested in moving to the UK at some point. They love the popular culture, the food, etc. They talk about it to such an extent that I would not be surprised if it happened.  When I hear stuff like that, I think I should tell them to just go.

[Guest]

There's no way I could make my mom NOT pay. She has a big sense of fairness and would be beside herself to not contribute.

 

If it were up to me? I don't know. I think help with groceries and maybe a bit for any additional utilities and gas but totally expense based.

[Pen]

I said pay rent from personal experience of seeing the financial situation I put us in from years of elder care.  In prime retirement funding years, it can really make a difference.  In my case care was time-consuming, so I couldn't work as much as I had planned in those years.

 

There is a gut reaction of "You can't make your parents pay; you owe them!" (I suffered from that guilt, and did not do what I am recommending.)  But think about it a different way.  That money is simply an inheritance.  When the money is gone, you will still take care of your parent for free (I would have.)  If the money wasn't even there, you would take care of her.  The only people you are taking the money from is your siblings (or other heirs), and most people (even said heirs) will think that is fair: You should be compensated for taking the lion's share of the care right now (and it is lots more than you think.)  

 

So if you are the sort of family that will take care of her no matter what, the decision really rests with the heirs.  I think the sibling that takes on the care should get fair compensation, even if it means that, in effect, they will get a larger share of the inheritance.

 

(If you were going to throw her out on the street when the rent/expense money ran out, I would think differently ;-)  )

 

 

This. And I'd assume there'd be no inheritance for anyone b/c expenses can get steep.

 

But also could depend on other factors like what happens if she gets too ill/frail for you to manage. Is there in home help available?

 

If not, how would a transition to a place where she could get nursing or other care needed work there?

 

And I'd add that part of the factors are not just the other heirs, but the grandchildren, and what strain it would put on them now, and also when your in the middle generation were to be at the getting frail stage. How does the family work that? Each generation takes care of the last one? Or each tries to make itself not a burden, as much as possible to the next one? Or some combination?

[Halftime Hope]

I wouldn't normally chime in on this, since so much has already been shared which is great food for thought. 

 

For those in the US, however, there might be another factor.  If a parent has the means to help out, I am of the opinion that it is best to pay "rent and expenses" along the way, so that the adult children aren't depleting their ability to provide for their own children and their own retirement.

 

In our extended family, one of the relatives in my parents' generation moved in with a child. (This happens a lot on both sides of my family, and it is something that we are thankful to be able to do as a means of honoring our elders. We don't regret the time invested, nor the memories built at all, so please don't read that into what I'm going to say next.)  

 

Can we call this relative "Aunt Mae" (not her real name)?   Aunt Mae moved in with her daughter, and she had the means to pay expenses from the nest egg she had when her house sold.  Aunt Mae's daughter could not bring herself to ask for Aunt Mae to help, even though the daughter had a MIL quarters which she had been renting and had to vacate so that Aunt Mae could come live in the MIL quarters.  Aunt Mae lived with them for several years, and her expenses cost the family quite a bit, both in out of pocket expenses and in lost rental income.  When it came time for Aunt Mae to have care beyond what her daughter could provide, she paid her own way in the nursing home until she had depleted her savings, and then Medicaid kicked in, but only after she had used up ALL her savings with no way to reimburse her daughter, due to the 5 year look back for Medicaid.

 

In theory, Medicaid should have kicked in sooner, when she was down to her last couple thousand dollars, but the reality was that there were typical delays, and it didn't start payinguntil she was completely out of funds, and her daughter and husband had to kick in some of their own money, above and beyond what they had paid caring for her, to keep her in the nursing home until Medicaid started paying.

 

It really stunk, because Aunt Mae thought she would be saving an inheritance for her heirs by not paying the caregiving family (one of whom was an heir), but it ended up COSTING her caregivers a lot of their own money by not having Medicaid kick in when it rightfully should have. 

 

Had Aunt Mae not had family take her in at their own expense, she would have been paying rent in an assisted living, she'd have depleted her savings sooner and Medicaid would have kicked in sooner, and her daughter's family would have kept what was rightfully her own family's money, instead of being out thousands of dollars.  Best case scenario is that the daughter's family had the lovely memories of their time with Aunt Mae. 

 

 

 

Edited February 16, 2016 by Halftime Hope

[Laura Corin]

This. And I'd assume there'd be no inheritance for anyone b/c expenses can get steep.

 

But also could depend on other factors like what happens if she gets too ill/frail for you to manage. Is there in home help available?

 

If not, how would a transition to a place where she could get nursing or other care needed work there?

 

And I'd add that part of the factors are not just the other heirs, but the grandchildren, and what strain it would put on them now, and also when your in the middle generation were to be at the getting frail stage. How does the family work that? Each generation takes care of the last one? Or each tries to make itself not a burden, as much as possible to the next one? Or some combination?

 

I'm not expecting any inheritance.

 

In-home help is free in Scotland, but it's not always great quality or very reliable.  Nursing home care is subsidised: you pay the 'hotel' costs, but social care is free.  When you run out of money, the state steps in, but you sometimes need to move to a cheaper facility at that point, which can't be fun.  

 

We are planning our retirement to put as little strain as possible on our children: money, housing, etc.  But who knows what will happen?  For now, my children like having my Mum around.

Edited February 16, 2016 by Laura Corin

[monstermama]

For instance, I would probably say that she can live in my home most of the time, but for XX weeks per year (the prime vacation periods) she needs to be elsewhere so that we can pursue our needed plan to get income from that spot.  My guess is that the sibs would step up and take her in during those periods, and that would go a long way toward making me feel like things are somewhat equalized, plus it would be a prudent, measured way for me to help substantially but not utterly sacrificially.

 

I think this is a wonderful idea.  Is she capable of or interested in visiting other family?

 

Laura, we were in a slightly different situation.  When I was a fresh-out-of-college graduate, my grandmother moved in with me.  I was renting at the time, so we just planned for a ground floor apartment with an extra bathroom and bedroom for her, so her portion of the rent was the difference between a 1 and 2 bedroom.  

 

Depending on your current lifestyle, there may be additional unexpected expenses.  Utilities were higher, since she was home all day.  We also ate out at least twice a week as she loved the experience of going to different restaurants.  She had some medical issues, so I had to take off work occasionally to take her to appointments (luckily, my boss was very understanding!).  

 

Is the layout of your house set up for aging in place, for instance if she requires a walker or wheelchair at a certain point?

[Pen]

I'm not expecting any inheritance.

 

In-home help is free in Scotland, but it's not always great quality or very reliable.  Nursing home care is subsidised: you pay the 'hotel' costs, but social care is free.  When you run out of money, the state steps in, but you sometimes need to move to a cheaper facility at that point, which can't be fun.  

 

We are planning our retirement to put as little strain as possible on our children: money, housing, etc.  But who knows what will happen?  For now, my children like having my Mum around.

 

 

I wasn't so much thinking you'd be expecting as that bros and sisses are likely to not get any such due to spending down, whether or not she pays rent/expenses now. So there is unlikely to be any actual loss to other heirs.

 

From your answers, it seems to me that if she's able and willing to pay rental and / or expense costs that is a win-win all around. She gets to be with family and vice-versa, and it doesn't put as much financial strain on you all both for now and the future. And there isn't necessarily any need to save up for in home services or nursing home services if there is at least something potentially free/subsidized for those. And maybe they won't even be needed. Maybe she'll be frail, but still able to be up and about up to a point that she dies quietly and painlessly in her sleep.  Sorta my own hope for myself and my mom.