Do you confer with your spouse about every purchase?

[DawnM]

I am trying to sell quite a few things on forums and online FB local sales.

 

People keep saying, "I want this but let me talk to my husband."  

 

They say this about little things.....$10 coffee makers to $50 homeschool curriculum offerings.

 

I honestly think they are trying to get me to hold it for them.  First of all, do they really confer with their husbands about everything?  And second of all, if you really want it and need to talk to him first.....talk to him and THEN respond.  I am not holding anything.  I need this stuff GONE.

 

Just curious what the deal is.

[JustEm]

I do not but from my experience I'm not normal. Dh trusts that when I purchase something it is needed or has a purpose. Now he would run it passed me first if he were purchasing something because I'm the financial person in the house so I know if 1. That is a good deal 2. We have a need for the item 3. We have the funds to pay for it and still reach our financial goals. Now he doesn't discuss every purchase with me but if he isn't positive of those three things he checks with me. Even 10 bucks can throw off the person who deals with the finances if you've already depleted your part of the budget for a specific thing

[shanvan]

When I say this sometimes I really want to discuss it with him, and sometimes I am buying myself time to think about the purchase b/c I am not sure it is a wise use of my money.  And sometimes, I would decide to just buy the item if it were cheaper.  But, no I don't confer about every little purchase anymore b/c I have found him to be completely out of touch with how much things cost and unreasonable about paying.  We once went 6 months not buying a new fridge b/c he didn't like what he found the price of a new fridge to be and he didn't want to pay it.  When Ds and I finally told him we were not sure anymore about meat being ok and were cooking it extra long he finally gave in.  He had a hair brained idea that he would just buy a cheap freezer for the basement and we could just deal with all the fridge problems from the 30+ year old harvest gold fridge (which I miss).  His own parents had to tell him he was crazy.  So, no, I do not always consult with Dh b/c I don't want to wait the 6 months it takes him to accept the fact that you have to pay for new things.

Edited February 1, 2016 by shanvan

[Sherry in OH]

My guess is that they are undecided and want time to think it over.   Spouse saying 'no' is an easy out.  

[happypamama]

No, I don't, but that's because I'm the one who manages the finances, so I know whether we have funds available for something or not, or whether or not it's in the discretionary funds budget.  DH is more likely to check with me to see about availability of funds.

[itsheresomewhere]

Only on certain things otherwise no.

[FaithManor]

Not at all. We trust each other and are nearly always on the same page with financial planning.

 

I know a woman whose husband has total control over the finances and micromanages almkst abusively. She even has to be very careful with feminine hygiene products so some months she has to finish the fairy with rags because she is allowed no more than $3.50 per month for that. He gets $200 month to blow on whatever he wants. She gets not a dime of spending money.

 

Not a fan. Not a fan.

 

Now if there is a history such as overspending, racking up debt, bankruptcy, etc. then I could definitely see collaborating over every non-budgeted purchase.

 

Dh does not care in the least what I spend on curriculum. Let me say this though, the college textbook bill for eldest boy this semester should be ILLEGAL!

[Amira]

Yes, but usually we'd have already talked to each other about it before shopping for it or responding to an online sales post. I wouldn't hold anything for someone who said they were still thinking about it in any way, including talking to someone else about it.

 

We both have a say in how our money is spent and what stuff we want to have.  Neither of us veto anything very often (in fact, I can't think of much of anything either of us have vetoed) but we do run it by each other.  Of course, our budgeting strategy for years had to be "Don't spend any money unless we absolutely must have it" and we haven't really managed to get past that mentality yet.  He talks to me about pretty much everything he buys and I do the same with him except for regular grocery shopping.

[SparklyUnicorn]

No.  Not unless it's something major or expensive.  He confers with me for almost every little purchase though.  Not because I insist, but because I do the bills and handle the money so at any given moment he has no clue how much money is in the bank. 

 

 

[HomeAgain]

Certain things, yes.  We often have different views on needs and come to an agreement.  It goes the other direction, too.  If it's something that we both are in agreement on (like "hey, I need x,y,z for next year." not "I want w.  W sounds cool.  hmm.."  Other purchases, things I buy with fun money, I don't.

 

Other things, well, I totally will use him as an excuse.  MLM parties are very common here.  If I get roped into going to one I will take the catalog home and tell the host that my husband and I have a strict agreement to decide together on what decor/kitchen stuff to bring into the home.  I'll take it back the next day with a "oh, I'm so sorry.  I liked x, he liked y, but neither of us could agree on something together."

[creekland]

No, I don't, but that's because I'm the one who manages the finances, so I know whether we have funds available for something or not, or whether or not it's in the discretionary funds budget.  DH is more likely to check with me to see about availability of funds.

 

Same here.  I have far more say than he does, so no, I don't have to confer with him and he often checks with me about fund availability for unusual purchases if he needs something.

 

That said, we often talk about purchases together when it's something that affects us both - a new fridge or birthday gifts for others or anything like that.  We both want to be in the loop on the actual purchase.  I rarely would buy something like that without checking with him - and same for him with me.  If either of us did, it was an emergency and we're both ok acting on those as needed.

 

Anything homeschooling related he never felt the need to be in on.  I still tended to tell him what I was buying, but don't quiz him on it.  ;)  Same thing for college books now.

[Arcadia]

Coffee maker we do check with each other. I am picky about aesthetics and he is picky about price. Curriculum we don't check unless it is something we haven't tried before or the price is higher than we budget for.

 

If we buy from the stores we don't check with each other at time of purchase because we can always return if our spouse don't like it.

[DawnM]

Of course on big things we do.....cars, houses, expensive things.  

 

But I do all the household items and curriculum items.  That is my area.  He buys all the home repair, car repair, lawn care, and other items.  We just trust each other to get what is needed and not spend frivolously.

 

We JOKE about things.....when I see that he went out for lunch I may text him and say, "Hey!  We don't have money for that!" but it is never serious.

[UCF612]

Pretty much, yes, I ask him before I buy anything unless we'd already discussed it prior and know we want/need something and are just waiting for a good deal.  When I talk to him I'm not asking permission per se, but we have to keep a tight grip on the budget and I want to be sure we're in agreement that this is something we want to spend on.  I don't want to make an impulsive unnecessary purchase and asking/talking with him helps us decide on that.  He doesn't ask me to do that but I prefer it. 

[BigMamaBird]

It depends. 

 

To use your examples of a coffee maker and curriculum, yes, I'd probably talk to him about those.  The coffee maker would be used by him and he might have some preferences about brand, features, etc.  And I, while I make all the decisions about curriculum, I do him the courtesy of running them by him because they are his children as well.  Honestly, if I never talked to him about curriculum he'd be just fine, but it's a "Do unto others" kind of thing, I'd want to be consulted so I consult him.

 

But other things, what shoes I buy, an spur of the moment lunch date with my Mom, something small, I would just use buy it without conferring with him, but taking into account his known preferences.

[Carrie12345]

If we use the term "confer" loosely, then yes, I do with nearly everything.  I don't necessarily ask permission, but I mention almost everything short of grabbing myself a bagel while driving or buying two bottles of wine instead of one.  ;)

 

I wouldn't make an "interested" post on a $10 coffee pot if I felt the need to discuss it first.  I'd let it go to someone who really needed a cheap coffee pot and then tell dh I was picking up a $20 pot at Target.  In our area, it wouldn't be unusual for someone to be so tight on funds that a $10 coffee pot purchase may need to be mentioned.

 

It's probably a personality thing for me, because do I handle the vast majority of the money.  I'm just very open about it.

[alisoncooks]

No checking here, unless it's big or expensive. I do the finances, so he'll ask me about money -- but he keeps a cash stash for buying/selling gun stuff or music equipment, and he doesn't confirm with me for those.

Edited February 1, 2016 by alisoncooks

[creekland]

We JOKE about things.....when I see that he went out for lunch I may text him and say, "Hey!  We don't have money for that!" but it is never serious.

 

For us, in order to support our travel junkie habit, we've mutually agreed neither of us is spending frivolous money on extras for ourselves, so this isn't an issue.

 

I've actually had to tell hubby that it's OK to eat out if on a job site spanning lunch when it's too hot/cold to eat outside or to not worry about a business meeting that includes lunch.  Those aren't frivolous, and he doesn't need permission... but he still can end up feeling it's unfair since I always take my lunch to school.  I remind him I donate to many school fundraisers (no permission needed), so he's just "donating" to local businesses as his part of the balance!

[Night Elf]

I guess it's about $30 or so but only because I don't like spending money if I don't have to and sometimes I need his opinion. When I purchase things over $30 it's generally clothes or something for the house. It's not that he says no, but sometimes he'll ask me to wait until his next paycheck. I do not ask about groceries though. I mention to him that I've gone grocery shopping after the fact, generally when we're sharing what we've done with our day.

[Cinder]

Major purchases--car, sofa, items that cost hundreds $$$--yes. Smaller items like coffee makers or  school books--no. We trust each other to make wise purchases. If I saw something online that I was considering but wasn't completely sure about I would mention it to dh. If he agreed *then* I would contact the seller. I wouldn't tell the seller I was thinking about it but needed to check with my husband. That's meaningless to the seller and wastes that person's time. Does the seller really care? I wouldn't think so. 

[SparklyUnicorn]

I suppose "major and expensive" is kind of vague.  I once told him I wanted to buy some school thing that cost $300.  He told me he doesn't expect me to mention it and that I should buy what I think I need (or want).  Admittedly I would not be amused if he spent $300 without mentioning it.  But only, again, because I deal with the bills.

 

But I would not, for example, go out and buy a major appliance without saying something.

 

Reminds me of a funny story my parents told me.  It was only funny LONG after the fact.  My dad went out and bought a very expensive vacuum cleaner thinking my mother would be so happy about it.  Not only was she not happy about it, she broke his guitar. 

 

 

 

[Murphy101]

I wouldn't assume it's on every purchase just bc they say that about your items.

 

I do confer with my dh about almost every purchase. Bc we have very limited funds. I manage our finances but I still do that bc it's still OUR funds, not my funds. Dh does the same thing. Tho much of our conferring is not verbal bc we have one account for everything.

 

The things you mention would likely be an unplanned purchase, so we might confer with each other to be sure that it was wanted and the funds were available. Dh will call or text me to be sure he found the right curriculum I had mentioned we wanted to buy or to ask if the coffee whatever would be liked.

 

But we would probably confer BEFORE bothering to email you about it and we wouldn't expect you to hold it while we had the discussion either.

[KungFuPanda]

Rarely, and only for expensive items. However, if I DID consult him before every purchase I wouldn't tell a vendor about it. I would talk to him and THEN inquire about the merchandise. It seems weirdly cult-like for them to tell you about this process. It's like grown women are saying "I have to ask my dad first."

[ScoutTN]

Definitely not.

I do all the routine household shopping, pay the bills and do the budget. He does Home Depot shopping, spends his fun money, occasionally goes out to lunch and buys some gifts.

 

We discuss all major purchases and any changes to our normal finances.

[Spryte]

No.

 

I would answer along the lines of, "okay, let me know and if it's still available then, we can discuss."

[TravelingChris]

No, I don't tal;k with my husband about everything.  If I was buying soemthing more than one hundred dollars, I would discuss it.  Also if it was something he would use too or if a number of purchases were over a hundred dollars total.  I don't homeschool anymore since my children are adults but when I was homeschooling, I generally discussed curriculum choices with him but not always specifics. THe same way he doesn't discuss with me his woodworking purchases unless its a costly machine or he is suddenly spending a lot more money on woodworking or one of his other hobbies.

[Guest]

....

 

 

Edited June 22, 2016 by Guest

[Reefgazer]

Little things - never.  Bigger items - maybe.

[kewb]

Big purchases-yes. Little purchases -no.

 

I have used the spouse excuse to get out of things or to buy time. Never on a for sale item. I don't hold when I am selling and I wouldn't expect someone else to hold.

 

There are people who do confer with their spouse over every purchase.

[Bluegoat]

Sometimes I use it as an excuse not to buy something.

 

But I can think of things that might seem weird that I would ask him about, like a coffee maker.  It wouldn't be so much about cost though as it would about whether he wants a coffee maker like that.  If it is something I think he is likely to have an opinion about, I usually try and ask him.

 

Roller skates for the kids, I would just buy them.

[theelfqueen]

We discuss bigger individual purchases or durable goods we'll have to deal with for quite some time... but not even close to everything.

 

[HRAAB]

Depends on the article. If he will be using it, I get his input, or more likely we might shop together for it. Honestly though, outside of cars and tools, he prefers me to handle it. The last few appliances I picked out and bought on my own. I know our budget and stay within it. I think I've become a pretty smart shopper over the years. And when it comes to curriculum, he doesn't want to hear about it.

 

Eta: honestly he's more apt to say he needs to talk it over with his wife.

Edited February 1, 2016 by Ishki

[Guest]

Absolutely not, with two buts.

 

Absolutely not, but he does with me, just because he likes to chat :laugh: . And absolutely not, but when we had zero point zero zero expendable money, I did. I had to. It was like, "we need a thermos so we can't get meat this week."

 

Obviously I'm not buying like a new furnace or car or something. 

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

Before DH lost his job, we had a rule that we would check with the other person for purchases over an agreed upon dollar amount.

 

 

He's been out of work for about 18 months now so we discuss almost every purchase.

[bluemongoose]

I do. It is not because DH is "In charge" but because he is the one who manages the money and I dont want to mess something up. I do not ask for small things <$20 because nothing I do under that amount every once in a while will mess us up, but anything over that, I check first.

 

There are days when I find this system frustrating and wish I could just buy something because i want to without "asking" like I did when I was single... Oh wait a min...I was way poor when I was single and sometimes didn't even know how I could afford to get food, so then I choose to be grateful.

[Lolly]

Nope. We are bad about not discussing purchases we make. I would like to say that we discuss big things, but that isn't always true. Dh has purchased two airplanes (the fan/parachute kind/not like...real airplanes) that I didn't find out about for a couple of years.....yeah, I can hold that over his head really well/ but we laugh about it.

 

[Katy]

On regular purchases or purchases under $50, no.  On purchases over $50, usually I do talk to him.

 

Just add POOS (posted on other sites) and NO HOLDS to your listings.

[HS Mom in NC]

No, not on small items. 

 

We do on major purchases as in hundreds of dollars or more.

[Guest]

Not for small purchases, no. And I am the main manager of money., but also the main purchaser of practically everything.

[Guest]

When I say this sometimes I really want to discuss it with him, and sometimes I am buying myself time to think about the purchase b/c I am not sure it is a wise use of my money. And sometimes, I would decide to just buy the item if it were cheaper. But, no I don't confer about every little purchase anymore b/c I have found him to be completely out of touch with how much things cost and unreasonable about paying. We once went 6 months not buying a new fridge b/c he didn't like what he found the price of a new fridge to be and he didn't want to pay it. When Ds and I finally told him we were not sure anymore about meat being ok and were cooking it extra long he finally gave in. He had a hair brained idea that he would just buy a cheap freezer for the basement and we could just deal with all the fridge problems from the 30+ year old harvest gold fridge (which I miss). His own parents had to tell him he was crazy. So, no, I do not always consult with Dh b/c I don't want to wait the 6 months it takes him to accept the fact that you have to pay for new things.

Ditto. BTDT. Furniture has been the worst. I think DH thinks a bedroom set is supposed to be, like, $110.00. I badly regret the furniture we bought for ourselves early on because it is cheap and extremely dated looking, but he would not begin to consider buying something that was classic and well-constructed.

[Sun]

Not at all. We trust each other and are nearly always on the same page with financial planning.

 

I know a woman whose husband has total control over the finances and micromanages almkst abusively. She even has to be very careful with feminine hygiene products so some months she has to finish the fairy with rags because she is allowed no more than $3.50 per month for that. He gets $200 month to blow on whatever he wants. She gets not a dime of spending money.

 

Not a fan. Not a fan.

 

Now if there is a history such as overspending, racking up debt, bankruptcy, etc. then I could definitely see collaborating over every non-budgeted purchase.

 

Dh does not care in the least what I spend on curriculum. Let me say this though, the college textbook bill for eldest boy this semester should be ILLEGAL!

 

In my opinion, that definitively crosses the line into abusive. No question about it.

 

Usually if I find myself saying that I need to check with DH, it's because I don't really want to buy whatever it is. I wouldn't say that for an Ebay purchase, so I don't know what that's about. You'd think they'd check before contacting you if they felt they needed to check.

 

I wouldn't typically check with DH unless it was something that I thought he might have a strong opinion on which type of item to get, or if it were a large purchase.

 

[Annie G]

Big things, yes, we confer. Small things that we both will be using, maybe. Things that only I will be using, no. 

 

But I can't fault someone who does it differently. Maybe their disposable income is quite limited or perhaps they are both looking for an item and they want to be sure not to acquire two of them. Or maybe one spouse has a spending or accumulating problem and talking it over w the spouse helps with accountability.   

[alisoncooks]

I know a woman whose husband has total control over the finances and micromanages almkst abusively. She even has to be very careful with feminine hygiene products so some months she has to finish the fairy with rags because she is allowed no more than $3.50 per month for that. He gets $200 month to blow on whatever he wants. She gets not a dime of spending money.

!

Aside from the fact that this is ridiculous/controlling/abusive...

Anyone else thinking: I'd straight up use his socks for pads and let him see how he likes using his $$ to buy new socks each month. Maybe he'd find feminine products cheaper...

[Guest]

I frequently do, yes. Pretty much anything over $20 I get permission, not because my husband cares what I buy so much as he is the keeper of the family budget and accounts and moves money around throughout the month to pay for various things, including business purchases and loans to certain accounts. If I spend without asking things like bills on autopsy may bounce because he had just enough in that account to cover the bill while, say, the rest was in savings or moved to cover something else, and then we get charged fees and all sorts of nonsense because I spent money already allocated elsewhere.

 

So I'm not actually asking permission so much as seeing if we can swing it financially or if he needs to shuffle anything around. It's not a control thing, but a courtesy to him as the person in charge of making sure everything works right financially :)

[Annie G]

I know a woman whose husband has total control over the finances and micromanages almkst abusively. She even has to be very careful with feminine hygiene products so some months she has to finish the fairy with rags because she is allowed no more than $3.50 per month for that. He gets $200 month to blow on whatever he wants. She gets not a dime of spending money.

 

Not a fan. Not a fan.

 

 

 

That crosses the line. I don't think it's 'almost' abusive. It's awful.   I truly hate when one spouse gets spending money and the other doesn't. 

[Gil]

I confer with my wallet for every purchase. That shallow bastard usually says "we can't afford it."

Then I skulk away muttering about how I didn't really want that item anyway...

 

 

[Guest]

I wouldn't assume it's on every purchase just bc they say that about your items.

 

I do confer with my dh about almost every purchase. Bc we have very limited funds. I manage our finances but I still do that bc it's still OUR funds, not my funds. Dh does the same thing. Tho much of our conferring is not verbal bc we have one account for everything.

 

The things you mention would likely be an unplanned purchase, so we might confer with each other to be sure that it was wanted and the funds were available. Dh will call or text me to be sure he found the right curriculum I had mentioned we wanted to buy or to ask if the coffee whatever would be liked.

 

But we would probably confer BEFORE bothering to email you about it and we wouldn't expect you to hold it while we had the discussion either.

Exactly :)

[dirty ethel rackham]

No.  Only on big purchases (like over $150.)  Or something that impacts him directly.   Now, if I wanted to bounce an idea off of him, I would confer with him, not for permission, but just to talk about the pros and cons of a purchase.  I really don't know many people IRL who need permission to spend money. 

[My4arrows]

I usually only doing if I'm buying ahead (curriculum purchases mainly or bday gifts) or it's expensive. We have a budget set up with specific categories so I know what we have budgeted and what money is available.

I think a lot of people say interested and then search for a better price and want to think it over first especially when saying they need to consult their dh

[medawyn]

We discuss the household budget quarterly, but I rarely discuss purchased with him outside of that. We each manage different sets of bills, and if it falls under household, kids, or personal for me, he doesn't know about it. If for some reason something will be really out if the budget or unexpected, of course we would discuss it, but routine purchases? I think that would drive him crazy.

 

Heck, last month I bought a HOUSE without a lot of his input. We had our budget, he let me know his priorities in a new house, but only one of us could make the trip. Since I am the one living in and using the house daily (as in, not leaving for work 9-12 hours five days a week), we agreed that I should do the shopping. I put an offer in and then sent him pics :-)