Living with food restrictions and family support--is it that difficult to understand?

[J-rap]

I have somewhat mixed feelings, but I guess the bottom line is that Dad could be more sensitive about this since it seems quite important to her.  She will have to learn to watch others eat things in front of her eventually of course, but during this transition period, Dad could be kind about it.

 

That said, we have so many food restrictions and weird diets in our household, that it's become way too complicated to pay attention to it all.  We all just eat whatever we can no matter who is around.  But, my kids are all older and have been doing it for awhile.

[Kathryn]

Your husband is being an absolute jerk. No, that doesn't sound like Aspergers; it sounds like narcissism. The words you report are not those of someone unable to navigate socially, they're those of someone who enjoys the pain it causes someone else for him to ignore social conventions. When someone lets you know (especially a loved one) that something you're doing is causing them emotional hurt, the appropriate response is not to belittle them, rub it in their face, and say they should actually be happy. The point of manners is to make those around us comfortable.

[chocolatechip]

I think that Dad should be more sensitive. Why can't he eat the cookies after she goes to bed at night, or at work?

 

However, despite daughter's memories of the cookies, I think she needs to let it go. Just because she can't do something doesn't mean everyone else should have to refrain from doing it. Things like this are going to be a part of her life everyday. It's hard, but a good lesson to practice. 

 

If both parties could take a step back from the line that seems to have been drawn in the sand here, the situation would probably get a lot more tolerable. 

[38carrots]

Your husband is being an absolute jerk. No, that doesn't sound like Aspergers; it sounds like narcissism. The words you report are not those of someone unable to navigate socially, they're those of someone who enjoys the pain it causes someone else for him to ignore social conventions. When someone lets you know (especially a loved one) that something you're doing is causing them emotional hurt, the appropriate response is not to belittle them, rub it in their face, and say they should actually be happy. The point of manners is to make those around us comfortable.

 

I looked NPD up, and he only has 2 symptoms, and 5 are needed for diagnosis. Lack of empathy and often (but not regularly) shows arrogant behaviours and attitudes.  Well, a bit of a sense of entitilement, but very context specific and not his main issue.

 

His biggest issue is not even lack of empathy per se, but utter inability to related to emotions and feelings. Which translates to lack of empathy in many contexts. He has way more symptoms from the Asperger's list than from NPD.

 

It also says that personality disorders, including NPD tend to get better with age, but he seems to be getting worse.

 

From the Asperger's list he has:

 

above average intelligence (highly gifted)

difficulties in empathizing

problems in understanding another person's pov

difficulties engaging in social routines, such as small talk

difficulties with transitions (well, that's not on the list that I'm looking at, but seems to fit lol)

absolutely can't split attention (ADHD-ish?)

 

[Tap]

Everyone in my family, except dh, has food intollerances/allergies.  No one is anaphalactic so we still all enjoy the foods, just the person who can't have it, doesn't indulge.  I can't think of anyone time that someone felt "sad" about missing a food.  I can't eat potatoes. It sucks that I can't eat the delicious potato soup that I made, but I don't feel "sad" about it.  I think 'wow, that sure looks a lot better than my salad, but I will feel like crap if I eat it, so it isn't worth it to me."

 

Ds has the type of taste buds that make most veggies bitter unless they are roasted.  He doesn't say, "hmmmm those carrots everyone is enjoying sure look good, but it makes me sad that I can't eat them. If mom would have roasted them, I could enjoy them too,  I'm sad that mom didn't roast them for me." He just has a second helping of something else being offered for dinner.  

 

DD16 has a huge list of foods that she can't or won't eat.  She just deals with it.

 

DD8 used to be allergic to dairy.  We are a big milk, cheese, yogurt family.  She never seemed to care that we ate ice cream and she got cookies. She wears her emotions on her sleeve so I would have known if she cared that we ate it in front of her. 

 

I guess if your dd feels that way, it isn't saying that I feel it is a wrong feeling, but in my house, I would just say "get over it and find something else you want instead".  

[happi duck]

Just curious...

What kind of cookie? I'm having trouble thinking of a cookie that would taste good with lemonade.

 

I think someone with restrictions can be understandably more effected in certain situations, especially when there's an emotional component. I would hope other people, especially a dad, could be understanding and at least patient about the fact that for right now (and probably not forever) it's an issue.

[Catwoman]

I looked NPD up, and he only has 2 symptoms, and 5 are needed for diagnosis. Lack of empathy and often (but not regularly) shows arrogant behaviours and attitudes. Well, a bit of a sense of entitilement, but very context specific and not his main issue.

 

His biggest issue is not even lack of empathy per se, but utter inability to related to emotions and feelings. Which translates to lack of empathy in many contexts. He has way more symptoms from the Asperger's list than from NPD.

 

It also says that personality disorders, including NPD tend to get better with age, but he seems to be getting worse.

 

From the Asperger's list he has:

 

above average intelligence (highly gifted)

difficulties in empathizing

problems in understanding another person's pov

difficulties engaging in social routines, such as small talk

difficulties with transitions (well, that's not on the list that I'm looking at, but seems to fit lol)

absolutely can't split attention (ADHD-ish?)

 

Some people -- probably most people -- don't fit neatly into a nice little box, so I don't think you should stress too much about trying to come up with a diagnosis.

 

I do think, however, that you need to stand up to him on your dd's behalf and tell him that if he ever brings those stupid cookies into the house again, you will personally smash each and every cookie with a hammer and then you will throw them away.

 

And if he gets upset about it, tell him you don't understand his feelings.

[Joker]

I get dealing with others eating food you like but can't have while out in the world. I don't get not being able to be comfortable in your own home. I lost my taste and smell several years ago. Many foods are horrible smelling and tasting now to me. My dh and dds do not bring those foods into our home. I don't bring foods into our home they cannot eat but love. If your family doesn't seem to care, that's great. I think if they do express their frustrations and dislike, you should make an effort to accommodate.I want my family comfortable in their home and keeping certain foods out isn't really that big of a deal. 

[KungFuPanda]

Idk how it is in the op's family, but in our family someone eating in front of others and refusing to share with everyone present (where someone being left out because of known food restrictions is as comparably rude as refusing to share with them) would be breaking family rules, and imo it would be legitimate for a family member to be upset and call out the offender. Yeah, those rules don't apply to everyone, and out in the world you just have to suck it up and deal, but within the family, it *is* the rule, and it applies to every family member.

 

But it sounds like the OP's family has conflicting ideas of what is the right way to handle these situations, so there's no clear family rule or culture to appeal to, which makes it extra difficult.

See, I feel like if they have a big problem with cookies, then the cookies were never the real problem.

[LucyStoner]

Calling your child morally petty is, in my opinion, a bit a jackassery.  That's more concerning to me than him buying and eating them.  I don't know how old your daughter is, but I can't see what you husband is doing happening in my home.  No one treats children like that here.  

[LucyStoner]

People with Aspergers and ASD have feelings and have empathy.  Do not give your husband an out here because of his (from the sounds of it not formally diagnosed) ASD.  That's a load of hooey.  

[TianXiaXueXiao]

We have food restrictions. My husband will often do things that are along these lines. He will go to the store and get treats that dd can't have and when she asks him whether he got her something, too, he will reply a little sharply that she *always* gets special treats. I usually step in by requesting that he go back and get her something gluten free. He complains and then he does it. She has never been one to get attached to certain store bought things, but if I made her favorite dish-chicken pot pie- with regular flour and ate it in front of her, she'd be crushed. I would never do that.

 

Your husband is being insensitive. I don't think you are qualified to diagnose him, but I understand wanting to believe that he can't help being insensitive. My dh doesn't have npd, adhd, or aspergers. He's a good man and he doesn't want to be a jerk but he is sometimes just like the rest of us. It's normal to be sad when you can't have a favorite treat and others eat it in front of you. It's normal to be blind to your short comings and act like a jerk sometimes. This is not an issue that needs to be worked over much. Store bought goodies can be nice but none are as good as the special treats moms and wives make with love for their families. Be the glue, mama. You got this!

[Mom-ninja.]

Wait, you say he "doesn't care about feelings" and yet you also say that he tells his dd that she "should be happy for him" because he can eat the cookies. 

 

So, basically he is saying he is allowed to ignore and belittle her feelings, and that he is allowed to tell her what her feelings should be. He wants her to be happy for him, but he refuses to do something to help her feel better. His feelings trump hers. 

 

That is not "doesn't care about feelings" but instead is someone who cares very much about feelings only when about himself and wants to control them.  

 

That's not Asperger's. That's acting like an ass. 

[Tress]

Wait, you say he "doesn't care about feelings" and yet you also say that he tells his dd that she "should be happy for him" because he can eat the cookies.

 

So, basically he is saying he is allowed to ignore and belittle her feelings, and that he is allowed to tell her what her feelings should be. He wants her to be happy for him, but he refuses to do something to help her feel better. His feelings trump hers.

 

That is not "doesn't care about feelings" but instead is someone who cares very much about feelings only when about himself and wants to control them.

 

That's not Asperger's. That's acting like an ass.

That's exactly what I was going to write! (I'm already in a bad mood today, so I'll leave it at that.)

[kewb]

Your dh is being a jerk and disrespectful to his daughter. That is my knee jerk reaction to what you have written. I can't even begin to wrap my head around being so insensitive towards my child. If there was a food one of my children could no longer have that food item would be relegated to a food that you have when you eat out or at a friends house. A child/teen will have a greater chance at success if the food is no longer readily available at home. I can't imagine telling my child they should be happy for me that I can still eat the forbidden food while I enjoy it in front of them.

 

This isn't just a cookie she can't have, it is a cookie with significant meaning to her.

 

If it was my dd I would refrain from eating the cookie in front of her. If he must have the cookie he should keep them at work.

 

My dh is the one with a gluten problem. Any meal I prepare that he will eat is gluten free for everyone. Except for pasta. My dh never cared for pasta and does not care if the kids eat it in front of him. But, he is an adult. And he has the mental capacity to understand that his kids enjoying a cookie he can't eat that he used to enjoy is not a jab at him.

[Another Lynn]

You have a battle of wills over cookies. At her age, she shouldn't be attempting to micromanage anyone's eating unless it effects her health. He shouldn't be attempting to micromanage anyone's feelings. It sounds like op is the peacekeeper between two similarly stubborn people.

 

I think this is a mischaracterization of the dd.  Just because she asked him not to buy the cookies anymore doesn't mean she is "similarly stubborn."  She made a request.  In no way does that equal the rudeness and utter disregard of the father. 

 

[strange_girl]

OK, stop blaming Aspergers. Seriously.

 

I have Aspergers. I would never treat someone (especially my own daughter!) that way. Aspergers creates a difficulty understanding human emotion, not a convenient excuse to just not care. :(

[Luckymama]

I didn't vote because I'm not the one with food restrictions--my girls do.

 

I am just so sad on behalf of your dd. It's hard enough going through every day surrounded by people eating things you can no longer eat. To watch a close family deliberately eat a favorite food in front of you is just too much. The deliberate part is what bothers me.

 

Dd20 has been dealing with food allergies since she was 11 and intolerances (rice, gluten) since last year. She "sucks it up" at every single meal. And late night snack. And study group food coffee run. When she comes home for break we only eat what she can eat unless[/] the food is something she never liked. I cannot imagine if we were to eat homemade macaroni and cheese in front of her and tell her just to deal with it!

 

Dd15 is one year into a dairy-restricted diet (not allergy just severe intolerance). She does well most times but has been known to cry about missing pizza. To bring a hot, fragrant pizza into our home and eat it in her presence???? I just could not do it.

 

Fourteen is still young. Food permeats our culture. Home should be a safe space where family members take your feelings into account.

[Kathryn]

OK, stop blaming Aspergers. Seriously.

 

I have Aspergers. I would never treat someone (especially my own daughter!) that way. Aspergers creates a difficulty understanding human emotion, not a convenient excuse to just not care. :(

I really wanted to say this too. I have a parent, a sibling, and a child all diagnosed with Aspergers or high functioning autism. They might not have "gotten" it about why it was hurtful, but they would have respected that it was so when it was explained and refrained from eating the cookies, not told the person they were petty and should be happy for them.

[Laurel]

Aspergers may be a convenient excuse, but I don't buy it. Dp has Aspergers and in a similar situation, he will opt to get junk food I DON'T like if I am trying to watch my weight. Dss14 is also diagnosed ASD, and while he might not on his own realize that he was being insensitive, as soon as it was explicitly pointed out to him, he would stop the behavior. People on the spectrum are not intentionally insensitive, they just have trouble understanding a situation from another's point of view. Your dh may not have realized that eating the special cookies in front of your dd would make her feel bad, but now he knows and is doing it intentionally. Sure, he can eat whatever he wants and she can't control that, but I feel she made a reasonable request that he should want to honor, because of their relationship.

 

I also feel like kids with allergies and food restrictions learn pretty early that other people can and will eat foods they can't have in front of them. I doubt at this point that this is a lesson your dd actually needs taught.

[EKS]

I can't vote.  We have no restricted foods here, but in this particular case I think your husband is in the wrong.

[Bluegoat]

Hmm, I kind of think they are both right to an extent.

 

I think that your husband probably just really doesn't get the emotional aspect of the attachment to food.  Some people don't seem to really have it, but you might point out that for her it is like something he values, maybe a particular holiday meal or something.

 

However - I think your daughter should not ask him to not eat the cookies, I think she should sort out a little more clearly what her feelings are.  I would suggest that a lot of it is actually a kind of nostalgia, for a particular experience.  What I would say about this is that one of the things we learn as we get older is that nostalgia can actually be a nice emotion even without doing everything the same.  It's really the memory itself that is being enjoyed, which she still has access to.

 

And the other thing I would say is that the specific cookies are really a marker for the larger ritual, and it is probably quite possible, if she still wants the ritual, to swap them out.  So - others eat the old cookies while she eats a different sort.

 

Of course it might be that the ritual itself has just been grown out of, but that is a normal human experience, looking back on things that were comforting in the past with a bit of sadness.  IN which case, if she wants to enjoy the nostalgic feeling, other people eating the cookies can trigger it as well as eating them herself.

[Valley Girl]

Your DH may be "right" that your DD has to learn to deal with other people eating what she cannot. It sounds as though, for the most part, she is. Good for her. But what he is doing neither kind nor supportive. If it is just one particular treat that is at issue, he needs to be the adult and enjoy it elsewhere. Instead, he's rubbing your DD's nose in it. If he's trying to teach some lesson, he's teaching the wrong one.

[Bluegoat]

Your husband is being an absolute jerk. No, that doesn't sound like Aspergers; it sounds like narcissism. The words you report are not those of someone unable to navigate socially, they're those of someone who enjoys the pain it causes someone else for him to ignore social conventions. When someone lets you know (especially a loved one) that something you're doing is causing them emotional hurt, the appropriate response is not to belittle them, rub it in their face, and say they should actually be happy. The point of manners is to make those around us comfortable.

 

I think that is a way over the top diagnosis.

[Kathryn]

I think that is a way over the top diagnosis.

I'm not diagnosing. I did not say "NPD," I used the common noun narcissism. Not every unattractive personality trait is pathological. And as someone with several very close family members on the spectrum, I'm really tired of people thinking that every jerk they encounter must be autistic. Yes, people on the spectrum can appear pretty jerky sometimes to those that don't understand their limitations, but that doesn't mean everyone who comes across an insensitive asshole is suddenly a medical expert and can diagnose autism (Aspergers is actually not a diagnosis anymore).

[catz]

Hmm, I kind of think they are both right to an extent.

 

I think that your husband probably just really doesn't get the emotional aspect of the attachment to food.  Some people don't seem to really have it, but you might point out that for her it is like something he values, maybe a particular holiday meal or something.

 

However - I think your daughter should not ask him to not eat the cookies, I think she should sort out a little more clearly what her feelings are.  I would suggest that a lot of it is actually a kind of nostalgia, for a particular experience.  What I would say about this is that one of the things we learn as we get older is that nostalgia can actually be a nice emotion even without doing everything the same.  It's really the memory itself that is being enjoyed, which she still has access to.

 

And the other thing I would say is that the specific cookies are really a marker for the larger ritual, and it is probably quite possible, if she still wants the ritual, to swap them out.  So - others eat the old cookies while she eats a different sort.

 

Of course it might be that the ritual itself has just been grown out of, but that is a normal human experience, looking back on things that were comforting in the past with a bit of sadness.  IN which case, if she wants to enjoy the nostalgic feeling, other people eating the cookies can trigger it as well as eating them herself.

 

Well, I think DH DOES get the emotional attachment to food.  He's so attached to these cookies, he brings home a family pack and consumes them in quantity in front of DD. 

 

It is no small deal when a 14 year old girl directly tells you something that feels hurtful to her.  To me it doesn't seem like DH respects her feelings at all.  But is telling her that they are "wrong" and she should feel "happy" and that her feelings are a moral failing.  Feelings have purpose and meaning.  They don't always need to be shared.  But I think an adolescent child should feel safe and respected sharing them at home.   It sounds like she is dealing with it well outside the house. 

 

I'm honestly pretty appalled at the adult's behavoir in this case.  I often fall on the side of having kiddo learn to deal with adversities in this life.  Not in this case when a parent almost seems to revel in rubbing her nose in it. 

[bettyandbob]

The dd has learned to deal with others having food she can't. The OP said her dd deals with it outside her home.

 

I know about this. My own dd has food restrictions. She handles it just fine. No one in our family would bring home food she can't eat, eat in front of her and tell her she should be happy watching her family member enjoy it.

 

My house is a safe food zone for everyone. I understand not every family does that, but there's no reason family members can't avoid purposely eating favorite foods in the presence of those who can't. Home should be welcome and relaxing. An environment where lack of compassion is acceptable is not welcome or relaxing.

 

Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if the dad had other issues in relationships. It's not just cookies.

[Chris in VA]

(Can you change your poll? It won't let me vote because I have to fill in all the questions and the first doesn't apply.)

 

Your husband is not being kind. Yes, your dd will have to suck it up and deal with others getting to do what she can't, however I don't see why she's being called controlling and stubborn just because she's asking for some consideration for her allergies.

 

Her dad should be nicer. It's what dads do.

 

"Morally petty" seems to describe his behavior pretty well. He can't delay his wants to benefit his child?

 

Sounds like he is weak in two executive function aspects--cognitive flexibility (can't take her viewpoint) and inhibitory control (can't put his desires on hold for a higher value). I'm learning a lot about EF--thank your hubby  for giving me another example to share when I give my lecture in December. :laugh:

 

(just kidding--that may have come across a little mean...)

[HeWillSoar]

I had a very hard time coming to terms with my food allergy.  A very hard time. Food is just one of those things that I always really enjoyed and for me it was just so hard in the beginning--at least the first year or more.  I never expected anyone to change their own habits because of my own personal issues although the people closest to me did anyway and always tried to make sure I was accommodated, and I really appreciated that.  It showed me how much they really cared.  Now I have moved past that to acceptance (some situations involving food are still hard) and I'm doing ok.   But even now, my BFF will not eat something in front of me if she knows it's something I love and can't have.  I tell her to go ahead, get what you want, but she won't do it if she knows it's something I miss.  She doesn't want to make things any harder for me than they already are. My DH too--I have seen credit card charges for a certain fried chicken place we used to love.  It was our favorite from when we used to live in another state and we finally got one here and now I can't eat there.  He still gets to enjoy it but he doesn't eat it in front of me because he doesn't want to make me feel bad.   I buy doughnuts and all sorts of things for DH and the kids but there are just some things I really miss.  I don't see why your DH couldn't just eat his cookies after your daughter is in bed or at a time when she won't see him.  That seems really selfish of him. 

[Butter]

The poll doesn't quite work because the first two questions both require answers and they are opposites (have restrictions/don't have restrictions).

 

Three of us in our house have Celiac and a fourth has trouble with gluten.  Because of the risk of cross contamination it is just easier to have a gluten free house.  The two without Celiac are only allowed to eat gluten containing foods at other people's houses and restaurants.  It doesn't bother any of the rest of us when they eat gluten in front of us.

 

But that's not like what's happening in your family.  In this case, it's a special treat that has significant emotional value to your daughter.  Your husband is being a jerk to her by telling her to get over it.  He could certainly eat the cookies as a snack or with his lunch at work.  He does not have to eat them in front of her.  Does she get upset if he eats other foods she cannot have?  I'm guessing no.

[Lolly]

In our family, dd has just had to learn to deal with it. (There are actually very few foods my dd can eat. Eating the diet she is restricted to would be boring, not to mention unhealthy.) Then again, there really aren't any foods that we are all emotional about. Food just isn't that important. Could there be something deeper bothering your dd? I am trying to imagine how someone would get so wrapped up over a cookie.

 

That said, if it were my dd and this were that important to her, I would give up the cookies while she was around. If she walked in on me while I was eating them, she would just need to deal with it. I would not get them out in front of her though.

[FO4UR]

The dd has anaphylactic response to this food.  That puts things on a different stratosphere than she is simply on a food restriction.

 

 

If he munched a cookie over her bowl of popcorn and accidentally got some in her next bite, she could *die.*  Cross-contamination happens easily in the home. And, an anaphylactic response can be lethal within 15min.  

 

 

If it were a typical food restriction, I'd say the dad was being a jerk and harming his relationship with his daughter.  I don't keep friends who do things purposely to make me feel bad.  I would never gloat about things I have that my friends can't have.  Being happy for others begins with a mutual respect.  The dad is not being respectful.

 

 

This is not a typical food restriction, however.  This girl will have to be super-vigilant eating outside the house to avoid a lethal reaction.  She should feel safe in her own home.  A parent's first responsibility is to create a safe home for their children.  When he brings that food into the home, he is risking her life needlessly in the place that should be a safe-haven.  

 

 

When my allergic child sees a pbj sandwich or a walnut muffin it sparks that primal fear.  It's not merely a disappointment that he can't have it.  He doesn't want it.  He just doesn't want to die or come anywhere close to dying.  He wants his family and friends to care more about him than a food.  He doesn't expect *everyone* to accommodate him, but he is very hurt when a family member understands his problem and chooses to put him harm's way. 

 

The fact that this girl used to associate the food with warm and happy memories adds another cruel dimension to this situation.

 

 

OP, I'd stand strong for your dd on this.  

[Pam in CT]

FWIW, here's a principle my husband and I try to roll out when we find ourselves sliding toward a power struggle with one of our adolescents:

 

Who's the grownup here?  Am I expecting more maturity out of the kid, than I am myself exhibiting?

 

 

(We definitely don't always manage to achieve this standard!   :001_rolleyes:   But we aim for it.)

[mamajag]

If it were a normal whatever, I'd be on your DH's side. Life sucks. BUT, since these were a special treat with a family history I can see where it stings and the compassionate thing would be to not flaunt those cookies in DD's face.

[Kim in Appalachia]

I think Dad is being morally petty.   :glare:

 

Yes, your dh has the right to eat them, and your dd14 is going to have to get used to people eating what she can't.  But, she's 14, he's an adult, and her father.   He needs to get over himself.  

 

And I could see myself being morally petty by throwing out said bag of cookies anytime I saw them in my house.  :tongue_smilie:

[mommymilkies]

Normally I'd say that she just needs to get over it but this is a close family member. He needs to show some compassion to her. I think he's being rude. Why is an adult acting like that? I'm sure there's more to the history there.

This.  When my kids had strict food restrictions, we made "fake" ones of their favorites. I even bought a twinkie pan because they felt left out of that horribleness.  But I would never have eaten what they love in front of them knowing they medically could not have it.  That's rude.  I also wouldn't do that in front of friends or other family.  I didn't bring it in the house, either (pretty severe allergy but I wouldn't have otherwise).  I find that type of behavior excessively rude and unkind.

[aggie96]

No, you can't control what other people eat, but it's perfectly reasonable to ask those you live with to be supportive of your health.

 

Honestly, I think your husband is being an ass.

 

This is exactly what my husband said when I read the OP to him.  I agree completely.

[happi duck]

FWIW, here's a principle my husband and I try to roll out when we find ourselves sliding toward a power struggle with one of our adolescents:

 

Who's the grownup here? Am I expecting more maturity out of the kid, than I am myself exhibiting?

 

 

(We definitely don't always manage to achieve this standard! :001_rolleyes: But we aim for it.)

Love this principle. Well stated!

[mommymilkies]

FWIW, here's a principle my husband and I try to roll out when we find ourselves sliding toward a power struggle with one of our adolescents:

 

Who's the grownup here?  Am I expecting more maturity out of the kid, than I am myself exhibiting?

 

 

(We definitely don't always manage to achieve this standard!   :001_rolleyes:   But we aim for it.)

Can I tattoo this on my hand to remember it? :)

[MFG]

I would tell Dad exactly what I thought of his behavior using many colorful adjectives.

[QueenCat]

Dad's acting like a child. Does not sound like he has Aspergers. That really is NOT something people should try to self diagnose. Leave it to the professionals.

[TammyS]

I think they are both wrong.  Your daughter should hold no expectation that others will not have and enjoy the cookies that she likes.  As someone with secondary infertility issues with many Catholic friends, I can tell you that I get a dose of this regularly.  A mature person can feel a little pang of sadness for themselves and at the same time feel gladness for their friend, without letting on about their own pangs so as not to diminish their friend's feeling of gladness.  And cookies are something petty to be sad over.

 

But, your dh is demonstrating a slightly monstrous insensitivity to his daughter.  They are just cookies.  He could EASILY (and this is what makes it so monstrous, IMO, because it's easy to avoid and he doesn't) do without them or eat them when she's not around.  To do so is not teaching his children to be considerate of others.  He ought to remember that someday his children will pick his nursing home.

[Plink]

I have no issues with people eating favorite foods in front of me. However, it sounds like she is missing not the food but the emotional connection that was shared over that food. I would try to re-institute the ritual with a food she can have.

 

If there were no emotional backstory, I'd be more understanding of your husband's point of view, but the story you present I very very different. He is being callous.

[Bluegoat]

Well, I think DH DOES get the emotional attachment to food.  He's so attached to these cookies, he brings home a family pack and consumes them in quantity in front of DD. 

 

It is no small deal when a 14 year old girl directly tells you something that feels hurtful to her.  To me it doesn't seem like DH respects her feelings at all.  But is telling her that they are "wrong" and she should feel "happy" and that her feelings are a moral failing.  Feelings have purpose and meaning.  They don't always need to be shared.  But I think an adolescent child should feel safe and respected sharing them at home.   It sounds like she is dealing with it well outside the house. 

 

I'm honestly pretty appalled at the adult's behavoir in this case.  I often fall on the side of having kiddo learn to deal with adversities in this life.  Not in this case when a parent almost seems to revel in rubbing her nose in it. 

 

He might just like the cookies.  My impression is that he really doesn't think she really finds it upsetting, so he doesn't see why he would not - in his mind she is being peevish.  I think he's wrong in his assessment, but given what he thinks, I would not expect him to refrain.

 

However, i also think, even though cookies do actually make her feel sad, that kind of sadness is not actually damaging.  It's possible to learn to live with it comfortably, and even regain something of the emotional effect without the thing it is attached to - in this case, the cookies  But in order to realize that, it takes time - you have to go through it and experience it.  You have to realize what it is that really you are being emotional about.

 

I don't think the dad has that in mind, but from my perspective, this is as good an opportunity as any to learn about it.  A 14 year old is capable of aquiring that level of emotional maturity.

[Ellesmere]

I agree with a lot of what has been said. In this particular case, I would expect better from him. There are so many other ways he could handle this. None of them require calling her morally petty.

In general I see why it sounds petty to be sad about a cookie or a food. But it does get old and there are days when I just want to eat normally. I imagine it's very hard for a 14 year old -- sometimes that can be such a tough age anyway, nevermind for kids with allergies or other restrictions.

But it's life. Of course, I have no problem watching everyone eat ice cream or something. It isn't fun, but it isn't sad either. I am sometimes sad because I'm not taking part with everyone. During the holiday season it's hard watching everyone eat the meals from recipes my grandparents used to make and we've used for years. All by myself or on an ordinary day, I don't miss those foods or care much if people eat stuff in front of me that I can't. But while we're all at the table with the whole family and the music is playing, the snow is falling ... I was watching the Coursera videos on nutrition and the instructor made a point to talk about the fact that food is not just for nutrition. The social connections over food are huge and it can be very isolating to lose them. 

Petty as it may seem, I have struggled with anxiety over it. And I don't share that with people IRL because no one cares and it is stupid. They don't see how I get sick after meals, they don't see how hard it has been to finally find a recipe that seems like it will work and then get sick. They don't see how isolating it is to not be able to eat at most social events and almost always have to prepare something separate for myself.

I was in a store and saw a canister of cookies I hadn't seen in years. I don't miss any store bought treats, but I remembered sharing them with my grandmother and it was the only time I ate those. They were so delicious, but I'm guessing it's because it is one of my few memories of her. Anyway, I started to take them off the shelf and realized I couldn't eat them. I was sad for just a minute because most people wouldn't think twice about eating them and enjoying a happy memory. I get kind of tired of the restrictions sometimes even though I know it's petty and I should be glad I can even eat anything or have any happy memories at all.

 

[Amira]

I'd think the daughter was trying to be unreasonably controlling if she wanted the entire family to follow her diet or to not eat anything in front of her that she can't eat or if she made a habit of telling people outside the family what they should and shouldn't eat. But she's not even close to doing that in this example. All she's asking is that her own father, who ought to be on her side because he's her dad, not eat one certain type of cookies (hardly an essential food item) in front of her. He not only refuses to accommodate that rather simple request, he tells her that she should be happy that he isn't accommodating it.

 

There are hard things to deal with when you have food allergies and families should try to help each other deal with hard things.

[Farrar]

I just can't get over what a jerk the dad is being. I mean, it sounds like he's getting off on rubbing it in her face and trying to pass that off like he's teaching her a lesson. That's like the parents who bully their own kids to "toughen them up." It's horrible. He can eat the cookies, he could even bring them in the house, but just try to be slightly discreet. It sounds like he's going out of his way to prove a point, the point being, I guess, that he's a jerk.

[BooksandBoys]

One of my children has significant restrictions on his diet. While he is often left out when we are in a public situation, at home, we choose to make sure we all eat the same things or we provide a safe and equal alternative for him. He's very mature about it, but I would never allow anyone to rub his restrictions in his face.

 

I have several food restrictions as well. I do not care what people, including my husband, eat in front of me, but I'm an adult. He can eat cheesy fondue with glutinous bread (mmmm) and I can handle it. However, I would not be ok with him and the other children eating that in front of our son who has food sensitivities because we can't offer him a substitute. Home should be safe, especially when public just can't be. Furthermore, my husband doesn't eat cheesy fondue with glutinous bread in front of me because he knows I love it and he wouldn't want me to feel sad.

[Katy]

In my house DH wouldn't bring treats for himself unless he also offered treats for the people with food restrictions.

 

And if it still bothered someone with food restrictions, he wouldn't eat them in front of us.

 

Quite frankly it sounds like horrible passive-agressive power-play behavior, and if anyone was that rude in my house and we couldn't work it out with a quick talk, I would insist on therapy.

 

Personally, never offended by someone eating something I can no longer have.  But DH knows what my former favorites were (Little Debbie Oatmeal Cream Pies) and he has never brought them into the house or even discussed eating them.  He has mentioned how good they are.  He has brought other former favorite foods around, but always asks if it would be too mean before he does.

[HS Mom in NC]

I can't eat strawberries anymore (since I was 20) because it appears they trigger my migraines.  I loved strawberries.  Oh well.  Yes, people eat strawberries in front of me all the time and I just shrug my shoulders.  I buy them and bring them home for everyone else.  Do I wish I could eat them?  Yes!  Do I have any negativity toward anyone who eats them in front of me?  No.  I would consider myself a spoiled brat if I allowed any negativity inwardly or outwardly in those situations because I'm an adult. There are plenty of wonderful, delicious, fantastic foods out there.  I have since had plenty of new favorites.

 

BUT a child shouldn't be expected to think like an adult in that kind of situation.  For a while people need to avoid that dangerous, old favorite food in front of her and the parents need to help the child find some new genuine favorites to replace the old favorite.  Then after the child has had time to emotionally mature some (maybe a couple of years) I think it will be OK to go back to eating the old favorite in front of her while she has her new favorite.

I'm kind of suspecting that your husband and daughter may have some similar issues personality/character wise. Both seem kind of extreme and petty to me. (Granted, it's just one post, which is never enough to make a clear assessment, just an impression.)She's not a little kid and, as you said, she hasn't been able to eat them for years, so she's not exactly in the "adjusting to a new restriction" stage of life. If  she were, I'd be more sympathetic.  But if it's truly been years since she could eat them, then it's been plenty of time to find some new favorites to have them on hand and enjoy when someone else might choose her old favorite. The industrialized world is full of delicious treats. She seems to have an "if I can't have them then no one can ever eat them in front of me again!" extreme attitude. If you ask me, that's immature for someone who is 14. He seems to have an "I can eat whatever I want and since someone asked to me restrict myself, I'm going show them no one will tell me what to do!"  That's very immature for someone over the age of 18. I would address the issues with each of them, but have much higher expectations of the adult.