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Vent: Someone be happy I'm expecting?

abba12

By abba12,
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abba12

abba12

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We're expecting baby number 4, due May 2016 (I only found out today, so it's very early). Baby will be almost 2 years to-the-day younger than her next sibling, a respectable gap in my mind.

 

I'm happy, this baby is so wanted..... I want to be excited, so much, and I am excited, but as usual it's dampened by everyone else. Except DH and my children, who are all absolutely ecstatic, but, the rest of the extended family...

 

Telling the family, every time this hurts so much. I had baby number 1 'too quickly' (concieved a year after marriage, during drama in both our extended families), then baby two was 'too close' (21 month gap), baby three was 'too close' again, (another 21 month gap) and now baby 4 is both 'too close', at 24 months (apparently it should have been three years) and we have also apparently hit the 'too many children' threshhold, one I thought we were safe from at least one more baby since we have 3 of the same gender. (just to be clear, we aren't 'trying for a boy', but I knew that's how people would see it)

 

I made all the calls tonight. I suffer HG, severe morning sickness, so there's no hiding it, everyone knows once the sickness hits that I am pregnant. Having my husband make the calls to my side of the family on my behalf wasn't as option. As much as I would love him to, we have a close relationship with my family which is fairly good most of the time, it would have been VERY strange to them for him to make the calls on my behalf, and pointless anyway since I'll hear about it the next time we see them anyway.

 

A close church friend is happy for me, but only after asking 'are you excited?' which seemed to be code for 'is this an oopsie baby?'

My best friend is happy for me I think, but my hormones got the better of me and I ended up arguing with him instead so I guess we'll talk tomorrow.

MIL and FIL were generally positive, but also pretty meh.... they're not really excitable people, let's put it that way. 

My dad..... he clearly wanted to say something negative, without saying it. He kept dancing around it, mumbled something about it not being about him but about me in a really weird, snarky way, made some vague comments about wishing I wouldn't 'buck the system' so much since 'it's unavoidable you'll end up in it anyway' (I almost think it was anti-homeschooling comments, which is strange since I was homeschooled). I don't know what he's thinking, only that he was trying not to say something I probably wouldn't have liked, and doing a bad job hiding it.

My brother..... 'oh, um, cool, um, i dont know what to say, um, grats' in a very awkward voice until I asked him to hand the phone back to dad.

My sister..... 'oh bloody hell, you're insane' .... yeah, my sister has NEVER been subtle or delicate. 

My grandad..... 'oh.... oh.... oh..... I'll put grandma on'

My grandma..... 'Oh dear.....' and a very hesitant 'congratulations I guess' 

 

I like my family, usually we get along great, My grandma stepped in as a mother to me when my own mum left, and is a HUGE help and support to me. It's just.... this issue. Having children has always been an issue to all of them. They're quite convinced I'll be the only one of my four siblings to have them. I just wish they could be excited, or at least pretend to be excited, about this beautiful new little life I'm carrying. The next few months are going to be SO hard, with HG and three little ones, and I don't feel like I can turn to any of them because I'm the one crazy enough to go against their advice and get pregnant again. I want to not feel alone during the worst of this severe morning sickness! It's SO isolating to feel like I have no right to complain about being bed-bound for months. 

 

Someone be happy for me? Someone remind me what a blessing this is? Anyone who has suffered HG want to remind me I will survive it? lol. 

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Aiden

Aiden

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Congratulations! (That's heart-felt and very excited for you, since I know the tone doesn't come across in writing.)

 

I'm sorry your family isn't excited. I hope you're pleasantly surprised with this pregnancy, that maybe the morning sickness won't be as bad as it has been in the past, or that help will come from an unexpected source.

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creekland

creekland

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I'll celebrate with a party  :party: !

 

Congratulations!

 

My in-laws weren't happy with any of the three we had (timing, too many, etc). Then they were positive I was ruining them with my parenting style in their baby and toddler years.  They love them now.  :hurray:

 

May your pregnancy go well - far better than you expect!

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SporkUK

SporkUK

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Super Congrats!   :party:  :party:  :party:  :party:

 

 

We sadly had similar. With our fourth, my MIL's words to my partner were "I thought you'd gotten your power cord cut!"  <_<

And my mother between each spent a large part of our calls/letters asking abut what birth control I was on, how I couldn't possibly want another (felt bad for my little sister when she went on about how I couldn't possible want a third and used her as an example), and such to the point I didn't tell her about 2, 3, or 4 until I was several months along (she's thousands of miles away which makes that easier).

 

It's soo disheartening,but we're here happy for you  :grouphug:  :hurray:  :thumbup:

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Tenaj

Tenaj

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Congratulations!!!!!!

 

My Mom said, "Oh, no" to me on the phone when I announced #4.  I know how it feels.   Just keep being enthusiastic when you talk about the new baby and I bet they will come around.

 

I wonder if it was the  unexpectedness of the announcement that caused the reactions.    Honestly, after #4, I started emailing the family the news so that they would have time to react among themselves before I had to hear it :)

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blackjackoaktree

blackjackoaktree

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Congratulations!  It's hard when people in your own extended family give you flack about a baby announcement. I had that happen to my last baby announcement and then discustingly, had all sorts of horrible positive reactions to my miscarriages last year. (maybe that'll teach you to stop, etc.)  People can be heartless.

 

I hope you have a happy and healthy pregancy, safe delivery, and that the HG doesn't drag you down.

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abba12

abba12

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I'm excited. 

 

PM me your address and I'll send your baby a present when I can scrape the dosh together. :)

 

Awww, I appreciate the thought Rosie. I don't need anything, but thanks for caring 

 

 

Thank you all for your responses. I'm feeling a little better. A mother-of-6 friend of mine says she's going to pray for triplets, just to spite them all lol, and I spoke to the church friend I mentioned in the original post this evening and she cheered me up a lot, she's genuinely happy for me. She reminded me age plays a part in it too (my dad is only 50, and my grandparents in their mid-70s, we have a long family history of young (married) motherhood!) I know part of it's hormones. I just want people to be happy along with me darn it!  

 

:party:  I want a party! 

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Laurie4b

Laurie4b

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Congratulations!  That is wonderful news! So happy for you!  :laugh:

 

And  :grouphug: to you for your family's response.  4 babies are wonderful! I had 4. (Would have had more had I been younger.) And the spacing on ours is 22 months, 24 months, and 24 months. We didn't plan the spacing, but it has worked out well. 

 

My dh's dad comes from a family of 7 siblings. My dad was one of 5, all a year apart. When my sister-in-law was pregnant in one of her later pregnancies (she has 9 kids--it wasn't number 9) her aunt (who is usually warm and on the less-judgmental side of that family) said, "Don't you know how that happens yet?"  :glare:  I don't know what it is with people and their opinions on how many babies is enough or on spacing or whether so-and-so should be having babies. MYOB and be polite enough to express congratulations.  

 

 

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MercyA

MercyA

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I hear about this sort of thing a lot here, but it still baffles me that anyone can have such strong opinions about someone else's family size and/or spacing. I honestly do not get it. 

 

Anyway, I'm very happy for you!  Babies are one of life's greatest blessings!  Many, many congratulations!!!  :party:

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Annie G

Annie G

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Congratulations! 

 

My parents had four kids. And yet when I announced our fourth, they were less than happy. And when dd announced her fourth, nobody from either side seemed very happy. What is wrong with people????? 

 

Fast forward- the baby is almost a year old and everyone loves her.  So why they felt the need to be snarky is beyond me.  Family can be annoying.  

 

Hope your morning sickness (all day sickness!) goes away soon.

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Junie

Junie

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:party: Congratulations!

 

P.S.  Take a look at my signature.  :)

 

BTW, with my pregnancies, we only told my parents and dh's.  We let them tell everyone else.  If there was anyone in the family who wasn't thrilled, we never heard about it.

 

Some friends irl were less than enthusiastic, mostly because of health issues that I have.

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OhanaBee

OhanaBee

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I think it's wonderful - CONGRATULATIONS!!!!

 

I wanted 4, but it just didn't happen.  And we were told by family member that our girls were spaced too far apart [4 years and 3 years].  Seriously, some people will always have something to complain about.

 

One small word of warning:  My mil is convinced that the only reason we had a third was to "try for a boy".  She has repeated that over and over, sometimes in our third child's hearing.  I kept waiting for dh to say something but he never did, so I had to shut her down a few years ago with "Why in the world would you think that??  I never wanted a boy.  Girls are much MUCH better!!". 

 

Ok, maybe a little overboard.  But why would you tell a child that she wouldn't have been born if her next oldest sibling had been the opposite sex?!?!  Grandma thought she was "being funny".  Hardy har har.  The 15yo did not take it that way, nor did her older sisters.  So just be aware that at some point, one of your lovely family members may make a similar comment.

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Farrar

Farrar

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Yay!

 

The studies say three is the hardest number of kids, so clearly you needed at least one more!

 

Don't be too hard on the people who want to feel out if you're excited. I once responded really enthusiastically to a friend's pregnancy announcement and it turned out she wasn't quite excited herself yet, which meant that my words weren't received super well. Oopsie babies get loved, but sometimes parents need feelings of frustration validated first. Not that yours is in this category, just that some people - like me now! - often feel out what response is wanted for pregnancy news before assuming.

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BlsdMama

BlsdMama

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HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORAY!

CONGRATULATIONS!

 

:grouphug:

:party:  :party:  :party:  :party:  :party:  :party:  :party:  :party:

 

(Oh, and we started telling folks who refused to fake joy by email.  We figured they didn't deserve to be told in real life.  After a couple times like that they got the picture.  The last baby was much more fun to tell folks as they are beginning to get how to behave.  It took a lot of practice, just keep having babies, lol.)

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Bluegoat

Bluegoat

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We're expecting baby number 4, due May 2016 (I only found out today, so it's very early). Baby will be almost 2 years to-the-day younger than her next sibling, a respectable gap in my mind.

 

I'm happy, this baby is so wanted..... I want to be excited, so much, and I am excited, but as usual it's dampened by everyone else. Except DH and my children, who are all absolutely ecstatic, but, the rest of the extended family...

 

Telling the family, every time this hurts so much. I had baby number 1 'too quickly' (concieved a year after marriage, during drama in both our extended families), then baby two was 'too close' (21 month gap), baby three was 'too close' again, (another 21 month gap) and now baby 4 is both 'too close', at 24 months (apparently it should have been three years) and we have also apparently hit the 'too many children' threshhold, one I thought we were safe from at least one more baby since we have 3 of the same gender. (just to be clear, we aren't 'trying for a boy', but I knew that's how people would see it)

 

I made all the calls tonight. I suffer HG, severe morning sickness, so there's no hiding it, everyone knows once the sickness hits that I am pregnant. Having my husband make the calls to my side of the family on my behalf wasn't as option. As much as I would love him to, we have a close relationship with my family which is fairly good most of the time, it would have been VERY strange to them for him to make the calls on my behalf, and pointless anyway since I'll hear about it the next time we see them anyway.

 

A close church friend is happy for me, but only after asking 'are you excited?' which seemed to be code for 'is this an oopsie baby?'

My best friend is happy for me I think, but my hormones got the better of me and I ended up arguing with him instead so I guess we'll talk tomorrow.

MIL and FIL were generally positive, but also pretty meh.... they're not really excitable people, let's put it that way. 

My dad..... he clearly wanted to say something negative, without saying it. He kept dancing around it, mumbled something about it not being about him but about me in a really weird, snarky way, made some vague comments about wishing I wouldn't 'buck the system' so much since 'it's unavoidable you'll end up in it anyway' (I almost think it was anti-homeschooling comments, which is strange since I was homeschooled). I don't know what he's thinking, only that he was trying not to say something I probably wouldn't have liked, and doing a bad job hiding it.

My brother..... 'oh, um, cool, um, i dont know what to say, um, grats' in a very awkward voice until I asked him to hand the phone back to dad.

My sister..... 'oh bloody hell, you're insane' .... yeah, my sister has NEVER been subtle or delicate. 

My grandad..... 'oh.... oh.... oh..... I'll put grandma on'

My grandma..... 'Oh dear.....' and a very hesitant 'congratulations I guess' 

 

I like my family, usually we get along great, My grandma stepped in as a mother to me when my own mum left, and is a HUGE help and support to me. It's just.... this issue. Having children has always been an issue to all of them. They're quite convinced I'll be the only one of my four siblings to have them. I just wish they could be excited, or at least pretend to be excited, about this beautiful new little life I'm carrying. The next few months are going to be SO hard, with HG and three little ones, and I don't feel like I can turn to any of them because I'm the one crazy enough to go against their advice and get pregnant again. I want to not feel alone during the worst of this severe morning sickness! It's SO isolating to feel like I have no right to complain about being bed-bound for months. 

 

Someone be happy for me? Someone remind me what a blessing this is? Anyone who has suffered HG want to remind me I will survive it? lol. 

 

My family, and particularly my mom, is a bit like this as well.  I always get the impression that they are worried about a pregnancy - and I have only had three.  It is annoying - I've tried to be understanding about where they are coming from, because I think it is from a rather intense sort of social conditioning and experience.

 

In my case, I know my maternal grandmother found having five kids very stressful, and she often said, loudly, that she wished she hadn't had them all.  My paternal grandmother struggled even more - she was, i think, slightly out of her mind when her kids were small.  I don't have easy pregnancies which worries my mom, and I know she also worries about our financial security.

 

I've also noticed, in women especially my mom's age (she's a boomer), there can be a lot of fear around fertility control.

 

Anyway - I will offer you an unreserved congratulations!

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catz

catz

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Awww ... congratulations!

 

I would just give your family time.  I'm sure they will love on new baby just as much as baby's siblings when he/she is here.  Family can worry about finances and stretching yourself too thin. 

 

I know my parents were not jumping up and down when my brother got pregnant with either of his young kids.  They were constantly having marital strife and budget issues which my parents have saved him from multiple times.  Now they are going through a divorce with 2 young kids.  My parents adore those kids (well, my father died this year) and always put on a happy face to my brother and his family.   Now my brother has an 8 year old with rage issues in therapy. 

 

I'm not at all saying this is your situation.  I just think sometimes families see it through the lens of caring about YOU first, their closest family member and the risk of a pregnancy.  HG is a HUGE deal that is very, very difficult on a whole family and just that alone could make me see why a family might not be initially jumping up and down.  

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PrincessMommy

PrincessMommy

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Congratulations!!!   :party:   I think 2 yrs is great spacing.

 

I'll speak as a grandma of 2 who didn't handle the initial announcement of #2 very well.   It's just that it was SUCH a shock.  DD is still in grad. school, they're poor as church mice,  both grandma's babysit, my dd deals with pregnancy and ppd, and grandson wasn't even 1 when dd got pregnant again.    So, after I collected myself off the floor, I did put on the "Another baby!! Yay!!!!" happy face.  I SO didn't want to be one of *those* grandparents, but I was caught off guard and it was so unexpected.  And now, I am happy for another grandbaby, even though the circumstances are less than perfect.  Granddaughter is a lovely baby and so sweet. 

 

Perhaps most of your family will come around after the initial surprise wears off.  :grouphug:

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vonfirmath

vonfirmath

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HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORAY!

CONGRATULATIONS!

 

:grouphug:

:party:  :party:  :party:  :party:  :party:  :party:  :party:  :party:

 

(Oh, and we started telling folks who refused to fake joy by email.  We figured they didn't deserve to be told in real life.  After a couple times like that they got the picture.  The last baby was much more fun to tell folks as they are beginning to get how to behave.  It took a lot of practice, just keep having babies, lol.)

 

I LOVE This.

 

And CONGRATULATIONS!  Four is how many babies we want. But I, too, think excitement will dampen in the extended families; You get a sense for things.

 

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