PeachyDoodle Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 DBIL's 40th birthday is this weekend. There is a small family party at FIL's house. I am seriously thinking about coming down with something. I don't have any horrible in-law stories like I've seen on this board. DH's family are not mean or spiteful or anything like that. We just don't have ANYTHING in common. They are loud and crude. Their conversations are always littered with innuendo. FIL used to leave his p*orn magazines on the coffee table like Good Housekeeping (that stopped after the kids arrived, at my insistence via dh). With this being dbil's 40th, I'm sure there will be some less-than-tasteful gag gifts involved. I already know about the purchase of a *ahem* "doll." I was raised in a very conservative religious family. I don't find any of this stuff amusing. In fact, I find it downright humiliating, especially when it's directed towards me (which happens). I know: I'm a stick in the mud. DH says he doesn't mind if I don't go, but I think he does, a little. I should go. Right? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 Nope! I would not go and I would not want my kids going (are they invited?) I am conservative and would find the entire thing very offensive, esp. in mixed company. You are a 0 on the sale of 1-10 of being a bad person. YUCK! 22 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Girls' Mom Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 I feel a migraine coming on. 16 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 I would literally get a migraine. Just thinking about a stressful weekend can bring one one. Yuck. You are not a horrible person. At all. Politely decline. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnnE-girl Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 I wouldn't go if I could avoid it, and keep my kids away from that too. I don't think you're a horrible person at all. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PinkTulip Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 Not horrible at all - that sounds like a nightmare to me! 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Runningmom80 Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 I'm not conservative or religious, and I wouldn't like being there either. There's a certain level of decency that's expected in society, especially where children are concerned. I wouldn't want to be around it either. :grouphug: 11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SproutMamaK Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 For me, it would depend on what's on the family's schedule for the next few months. I can only back out so many times, gotta save it for the big ones. ;) Are the kids supposed to go with you to this party? If so, I'd back out. I mean, this is a birthday party for an adult and it's clearly going to be inappropriate, so stay home with them. If you guys have a sitter for the kids so that you can go, I'd go this time and save my "get out of jail free" pass for another time. 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 What in the????? I find that kind of humor not only in poor taste, but personally insulting. ("You all think that our marriage and sex life is so pathetic that you have to help?") I would be annoyed if my dh expected me to go someplace where people behaved in a personally insulting manner toward me. (sometimes men don't see this stuff as insulting. Perhaps since your dh grew up with it, he doesn't see it that way. Maybe he would understand the analogy if you went to a party where other "toys" were given to you insinuating that he was not "manly" enough to pleasure you.) 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 not horrible.... I'd avoid if at all possible. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MercyA Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 No. I wouldn't go. You're not a bad person for not subjecting yourself (and possibly your children?!?) to that nonsense. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bolt. Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 They honestly sounds like people who want a "boys night" and a perpetual bachelor party atmosphere. I think they just don't know how to ask for it. Stay home and let them let loose -- it will be better for your relationship with them to limit the crude-and-judging-the-crude interplays as often as socially possible. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cindy in FL. Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 -10! Don't worry about missing this for a second! 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ashfern Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 Don't go. You'll be miserable. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orthodox6 Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 I would stay home. The occasion is one that promises to expand their version of "humour" and "entertainment". P.S. You are not "a stick in the mud." You are a lit lamp on a lampstand. 11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrairieSong Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 I would stay home too. You're not horrible at all. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 I would look at anyone who criticised my choice to be elsewhere, including Husband, as if they were from another planet. There are some forms of humour I can't imagine anyone wanting to share with their FIL. :ack2: 18 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 Well, in the case of explicit materials, that's a reason not to go. If you just had nothing in common with them and they were boring, I'd buck up and go. I have in-laws and they are just boring and my MIL has a habit at picking at things (like "feed that kid. He's too skinny". "How can you possibly keep homeschooling a teenager?"). I know her intentions are not malicious. She doesn't filter as well now that she's in her 80's. I know she actually likes me and gives me gifts and nice cards. But I do not enjoy our get togethers. I endure so my kids have a relationship with their grandparents and for my DH who is kind of a sentimental guy. I also lost my father this year, so I know how fleeting these events are and even if they aren't valued and treasured by me really, I know they are by other family members. You know your situation best. I assume kids are not invited to this event? If not, I think it's fine to take a pass. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zebra Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 The most important opinion to me, would be DH's. If he says he doesn't mind, then assume he doesn't. Maybe, he feels more uncomfortable with you there, who knows. If he does mind (and you directly asked him and he won't tell you), then he needs to learn to be honest with you. BUT, I am a horrible person who avoids my chock-full-of-untreated-mental-illness family like the plague. I do not believe blood is thicker than water and all that :001_rolleyes: . 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
purplejackmama Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 Strep throat has been running rampant through my community. Oops I hope I haven't inadvertently virtually exposed you to said germs thus requiring you miss the party by posting here. So sorry!! ;) 12 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 Buy a nice (e.g., decent) present, wrap it all beautimously, and send it with Mr. PeachyDoodle. Let him take it with your regrets. Maybe you could invite DBIL and his wife over for a celebratory dinner to make up for your absence. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 You're a zero. (said in the nicest way!) I would not go to a party that I would know was full of that sort of thing and I would not send my kids. Dh would not go either. It has nothing to do with being a stick in the mud but with having a mature outlook on sex and on women. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 I would probably suck it up and go, but I don't think you're horrible if you don't. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 No one thinks you should suck it up and go. It sounds gross. Who gives someone a "doll"? How are you supposed to explain that to your kids? I hope dh knows that that thing should go in a dumpster before he comes home. I seriously doubt he gets the extent of how dysfunctional this is. It takes a long time for someone who grows up in a dysfunctional home to come to grips with it, and some people never do. My MIL is almost 76 and she is in TOTAL denial about how controlling her family was. She says, "They are just clannish. They're Irish, that's how Irish people are." UM, no. They would not let her learn to drive. They were so upset when she learned how to drive as a married woman that they told her endlessly how bad her driving was, ect. And her MOTHER drove, so it wasn't a gender issue. There were a lot of things like that, that her parents did not want her to do to be able to grow up. They helped MIL's ex husband get custody of dh when he was a small child because they were angry that she remarried and moved out of their home. They had thought she would live with them post divorce until they died. But she does not see her parents as being controlling at all, she sees them as wanting to keep the whole family together. They drove off her brothers and only one of her brothers was talking to them at the time of their deaths, but MIL believes the brothers to be at fault. Argghhhh. All that to say, no one wants to face hard facts about their family. Some people can make themselves and some people cannot. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jan in SC Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 I'm not a conservative person, but I find their choices inappropriate. I wouldn't go, and I wouldn't send my school either. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
No More Perfect Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 When it comes to relationships, I have a no-tolerance rule when it comes to those who demean either gender in a sexual manner. So no, I would not go and I would not bring my children to that. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yucabird Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 Zero. If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't attend. It sounds like your husband might appreciate their antics or is accustomed to their style of fun, etc. I'd expect him to go (for you and your children). I'd also send a fun -- perhaps even risque -- gift. I think there are some dreaded family events we have to go to for the sake of family. This doesn't sound like one. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KungFuPanda Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 Well, I wouldn't send my kids in with no backup . . . 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 I might go for just an hour or so. Might. But you are not a bad person if you don't go. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Runningmom80 Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 I can actually make you feel better, brace yourselves. My grandma's 80th birthday party was at a bar, with a male str*pper. (No kids were invited) I didn't want to go, and it was more because of the relationship I have with my father right now, but the whole male str*pper thing is icky to me too. Anyways, I sucked it up and went. (DH stayed home with the kids.) I regretted it right away. My dad's family just has a different view of sexuality that I don't share. I also do not want to support the s*x industry in any capacity. I knew I was going to feel uncomfortable for a variety of reasons, but I went anyways. I had a miserable time, left after an hour and felt icky about the whole thing for 2 days. So really, if it's *that* kind of party, and it's not your thing, don't go. Send DH with a gift, and spend a nice evening in with netflix and a glass of wine or tea, or whatever floats your boat. :) 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mellifera33 Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 A "doll?" Don't gag 40th-bday gifts usually run more toward bottles of Geritol and boxes of Preparation H? Yikes. I wouldn't want to go, either. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PeachyDoodle Posted August 12, 2015 Author Share Posted August 12, 2015 Cobbling together my own "multiquote" here... Nope! I would not go and I would not want my kids going (are they invited?) I am conservative and would find the entire thing very offensive, esp. in mixed company. You are a 0 on the sale of 1-10 of being a bag person. YUCK! Oh, the kids are absolutely expected to be there. They are the only children on this side of the family. I think I can trust these idiots to send the kids to watch TV or something when the gifting goes down (and I'm sure that dh will step in, if nothing else), but honestly, I'm just as galled by the whole "you kids get outta here b/c we're about to do something inappropriate" attitude. DH is bad about that, even at home, if he wants to watch a movie or something. I think it's a bad example, even if the kids aren't directly involved in the activity. We've had numerous conversations about it, but he just doesn't see it as a big deal. (Wonder why?) What in the????? I find that kind of humor not only in poor taste, but personally insulting. ("You all think that our marriage and sex life is so pathetic that you have to help?") I would be annoyed if my dh expected me to go someplace where people behaved in a personally insulting manner toward me. (sometimes men don't see this stuff as insulting. Perhaps since your dh grew up with it, he doesn't see it that way. Maybe he would understand the analogy if you went to a party where other "toys" were given to you insinuating that he was not "manly" enough to pleasure you.) Well, the "doll" is for BIL, not for DH. I think even DH would draw the line at receiving such a thing from his family. Although he's not above picking this one up from the store for FIL, so maybe not. BIL is single, so no wife to offend. But he has been quite lonely since the divorce, so in my mind, this kind of jab is even worse. But clearly I am not on the same wavelength as these people. They honestly sounds like people who want a "boys night" and a perpetual bachelor party atmosphere. I think they just don't know how to ask for it. Stay home and let them let loose -- it will be better for your relationship with them to limit the crude-and-judging-the-crude interplays as often as socially possible. This! The irony is, any of them is fine one on one. But get them all together, and it's a frat party. MIL is just as bad as FIL. Step-MIL is not raucous, but she's the first one drunk (usually already tipsy by the time we get there) and thinks everything is hilarious. BIL and DH act like Beavis and Butthead any time they're in the same room. FIL is the ringleader; he is terrible in any group. It's like he has to show off or something. He's been known to make inappropriate jokes at the kids' birthday parties. It's usually stuff he thinks they won't "get," but I get it (and so do my family and the parents of other children present). At DS's first birthday, he made some joke about DH's vasectomy -- during presents, so the WHOLE party heard. DD is 10 now, entering puberty and starting to learn about sexuality. I just don't think this is a healthy environment for her, even on rare occasion. P.S. You are not "a stick in the mud." You are a lit lamp on a lampstand. Oh my goodness, you have no idea what this means to me! Thank you so much! You're a zero. (said in the nicest way!) I would not go to a party that I would know was full of that sort of thing and I would not send my kids. Dh would not go either. It has nothing to do with being a stick in the mud but with having a mature outlook on sex and on women. Thank you for this, too! The immaturity is mind-boggling to me. It's literally like a locker room full of 7th grade boys. I wish DH were as put off by it as I am. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SproutMamaK Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 They expect the kids to come to this ridiculous caricature of a middle-aged frat party?! Yeah, I change my vote from "save your get out of jail free card" to "use it and then burn the jail down." That's just disturbing. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chocolatechip Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 On the scale: 0. I wouldn't go. I don't know what unpleasant results it might have for you, but I wouldn't even make up an excuse. I'd just say, "Sorry, I won't be attending." Wash, rinse, repeat. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 OOHHH KAY, if your kids go, you should go. They have an unhealthy view toward s$x and I would want to be able to explain their stuff to my kids, but you can't explain what you don't know about. Also, if the adults are all drinking a lot you need to make sure that your kids are safe. You do not want a tipsy grandma to give the kiddies a ride to 7-11 when she needs more Mad Dog 20/20. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 Wow, that sounds crazy! I'm sure you have to stay home and take care of a sick child, right? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PeachyDoodle Posted August 12, 2015 Author Share Posted August 12, 2015 OOHHH KAY, if your kids go, you should go. They have an unhealthy view toward s$x and I would want to be able to explain their stuff to my kids, but you can't explain what you don't know about. Also, if the adults are all drinking a lot you need to make sure that your kids are safe. You do not want a tipsy grandma to give the kiddies a ride to 7-11 when she needs more Mad Dog 20/20. DH won't drink, so I don't have any qualms about their physical safety. But yeah, it's the whole environment that bothers me. The atmosphere is terrible, even if they're out of the room for the worst of it. But how to make DH see that? I don't know. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Woodhaven Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 I would not let my kids go! And, I would expose them as little as possible to those people. Short visits in your home where you control the atmosphere. Grand parents or not, that's very disturbing! Again, I would NOT let my kids go. Even if I felt I had to go and did, I wouldn't bring children. Not even teens. No. No way. Never. They pick up so much more than you realize. That is so sick. NO, YOU ARE NOT A BAD PERSON FOR NOT WANTING TO GO. I think you are sane. Again, I would NOT let my children attend either. I wouldn't make up an excuse either. I'd tell it like it is, but try not to be mean about it. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 If your kids are going, you should go. Then take your children and leave as soon as it exceeds PG rating (can't see how old your kids are on my phone). This is NOT you being prudish or stuck up. I'm a liberal, do what you want in the PRIVACY OF YOUR OWN BEDROOM between consenting adults kind of girl (who's oddly conservative with her own choices, lol), but it needs to be in the privacy of your bedroom. Not flopped out on the living room couch during family suppers. Children are not consenting adults. That's weird and highly inappropriate. I'd be dragging DH to counseling to get an outsider to affirm that he needs to set some boundaries with the freaks. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lmrich Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 I would not want my kids there either. It makes it a lot trickier. Could you just say that you want to take BIL out for lunch with the kids next week so they can spend time with their uncle more one on one? 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 I wouldn't lie if asked, I'd say outright I don't want to attend and have my husband say the same thing. No further explanation to be given. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PeachyDoodle Posted August 12, 2015 Author Share Posted August 12, 2015 BIL lives an hour away, so we don't see him often. I know DH will put up a fight if I try to keep them home. They are 10 and 4. Their grandparents are very good to them normally. It's just the atmosphere of this type of gathering. I don't know how to explain it. For a good chunk of the time, things will be okay. But FIL will have to work in some of his off-color humor (he's such a class clown/center-of-attention type, and I think he truly thinks he's being sneaky and getting it over everyone's heads -- especially the kids -- but I know DD is picking it up, even if she appears to not notice/be okay with it). DH and BIL will start snickering. It will roll downhill from there. And then I guess I'll have to take the kids for a walk while BIL opens his gift. Which is coming in our car, I presume, and which I WILL NOT be wrapping, so I guess DH will just have to put it in a trash bag or something so they don't notice it in the back of the SUV. Who am I kidding? They'll notice. They notice everything. And they will ask why there's a bag of trash in the back of the SUV. Thinking about it is making me nauseated just sitting here. I am so uncomfortable with the whole environment. At least now I know it's not just me being uptight. The best I can probably hope for is to take and kids and leave if it starts to get out of control. DH can get a ride back with his mother if he wants to stay. Then of course I will have to explain to the kids why we're leaving early... Sigh. ETA: It's in the middle of the afternoon. On a SUNDAY. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ErinE Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 You are not a horrible person. I wouldn't go, and I wouldn't let the kids go. It's an adult party and not appropriate for children. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JumpyTheFrog Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 Don't go, and please keep the kids away from these frat parties. Some people are best to visit with one-on-one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orthodox6 Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 This is not a place for children It is not even a place for most adults. The culture and moral divide is immense. You are in a difficult position, for you describe your husband as not genuinely understanding your values. At most, he seems to understand them [values] but set them aside because "this is family". At any rate, this is how the collective posts come across to me. Prayerfully wishing you all the best. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 Maybe your dh could see that as your dd is getting older and more aware (really, no possibility of her NOT realizing/overhearing/etc.), this kind of exposure is practically abusive. Does he WANT her to think that this is normal and okay?? Anne 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 Maybe some third party intervention of some sort is needed for dh to get that this is not a good fit for kids? It is probably worth seeing a counselor over, because as the kids get older and understand more it becomes more unhealthy. They say choose your battles... I would pick this battle. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orthodox6 Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 Maybe your dh could see that as your dd is getting older and more aware (really, no possibility of her NOT realizing/overhearing/etc.), this kind of exposure is practically abusive. Does he WANT her to think that this is normal and okay?? Anne What a child sees a loved parent doing, the child concludes is "normal and ok". 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orthodox6 Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 Maybe some third party intervention of some sort is needed for dh to get that this is not a good fit for kids? It is probably worth seeing a counselor over, because as the kids get older and understand more it becomes more unhealthy. They say choose your battles... I would pick this battle. I was wanting to say something like this, and appreciate that someone else felt socially strong enough to do so. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seasider Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 That's the kind of gathering that would probably actually give me a headache and/or anxiety attack, and leave me overspending emotional energy for a week, so I could honestly play the not-well card. Stay home with a good, uplifting book or film, or fun wholesome activity with the kids. And don't feel guilty about it. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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