Update Post 1... Did anyone stop having children before they thought they were ready...

[3 ladybugs]

And not regret it?

When I got married I thought I wanted 3 children. DH said he wanted 2. Well infertility came in and we first hit the jackpot with triplets! Sadly at 24 weeks I delivered them (unexplained reason) and they all died eventually. I did IVF twice and got my older son with the second attempt and my younger son was frozen from my first attempt. I have no embryos frozen.

I am now trying to wrap my head around this being it. I was trying to wrap my head around this when I was pregnant with my youngest truth be told. I have had cancer between the living children and I am now in menopause when not breastfeeding/pregnant. I am 38. My IVF clinic may have donated embryos that I would be able to get.

I don't know if I just don't want to grow up, if I just miss my lost babies (my only daughter was the one that lived the longest) or if I truly need to have another baby. I keep telling myself that the world is meant for families of 4. Tables in restaurants, sedans, even train travel is all based on 4, however I am still having issues.

DH has said at times he wanted 3 but I think he is happy with what we have too. The pregnancies are hard on those around me, just not me. All of them have had their risks with the last one being the highest risk (we were not sure what the cancer did to me). I loved being pregnant.

Anyone else relate? Words of wisdom?

 

Update: Well after seeing my RE (I had gifts for him) and REALLY having a hard time letting go of everything, I decided to call my Peri (first pregnancy was triplets, which I lost, so he saw me for my other 2 pregnancies as well). He said that I had something happen with my baby's placenta in delivery that would put me high risk of hemorrhage, or hysterectomy. I needed him to be more blunt then that though so I asked him percentages (25% chance of it happening, death a real possibility if it happened) and what he would do as we would have to do donor embryo. He said that since I would have to do donor embryo and that I have 2 children already, and my age, he would recommend that I just adopt. I am fine with this, if I could force lactation (or keep my baby nursing till the new one came... which honestly I think he would be happy with) but I am not sure if we could afford it. Adopting a baby comes with many risks (mom changing their mind is the biggie) and it is expensive. So now I am just so torn. 

[LucyStoner]

(((Hugs)))

 

I am so sorry your children died.

[Leav97]

I wanted 4.  I have 3.  We spent 5+ years dealing with primary infertility and a couple dealing with secondary infertility.  Plus a miscarriage between each child.  My DH said he was done after child 3.  He would have been willing if I really, really wanted #4, but I wasn't ready at the time.  Now that my youngest is 3 I'm better with the decision to stop.  I still kind of want another one but I'm OK with the decision.

 

In the end it really doesn't matter how I feel about our decision though.  Are you OK with being done?

[MistyMountain]

I would love to have more children and really wish I could have more but it will not happen for a variety of reasons. I still do wish I could have more but it gets easier to accept with time.

[Guest]

I'm so sorry about the loss of your sweet babies. I did want to have/raise more children than I have ended up with. I also lost a daughter at birth. I do think, in my case, some of the longing for more children is connected with losing that daughter. I struggled so much with, "this is not how it was meant to be!" And I do think that was a large factor in thinking I was "meant" to have more kids. I did not really choose to stop; i stopped by default because DH said no more. It took a very long time for me to accept this, but now I (mostly) have. Most times, I find myself glad that we did not start all over again, though many times, I am still bothered by the "not how it was meant to be" feeling. I really just think so much of that is a cry for my lost daughter, because you know what? It wasn't meant to be. Babies are not meant to die on their birth day.

 

I am 44 now, and my hormones are changing a lot. I read in a book how Estrogen makes us "want to make babies, want to nurture and care for others," and that a lot of that does go away as the hormones change. This has been completely true for me. A few years ago, I was so envious about my friends who were having their caboose babies. But now another friend is having a caboose baby and in my head, I do think, "wow. Have fun with that." ;) (Meaning no disrespect to last-chance moms; just that I now see how people could think that, where I used to not feel that way.)

 

P.S. The book I'm referencing is The Hormone Cure, by Dr. Sara Gottfried

[mathmarm]

I would have a dozen kids if I could. I don't think that I'll ever be able to have more kids and while I'm very, very, very grateful for Jr. I haven't quite gotten to the point of being "okay with" the fact that he's my only kid. Pregnancy is extremely hard on my uncooperative body so being pregnant wasn't exactly pleasant, but it was oh, so worth it.

 

It takes time to accept that, like it or not, you're done having kids. Many days you'll be fine with it, other times it will be the worst feeling ever. You'll eventually experience a higher rate of being "fine with it" than not and from there, its typically smooth sailing until you hit those choppy waters (ie seeing a baby in the store that you just really, really want for yourself!). Thats all I've got.

[ScoutTN]

I am so sorry for your loss. I married late and I too have walked the infertility road. I would have liked 3 or 4 kids, but I have 2 healthy, wonderful children and am deeply thankful. Every child is indeed a miracle, but when they come after struggle and infertility, we are extra aware of the privilege of being parents. 

 

As Quill said, I am more content now that I was a few years ago. I have two school age kids (one almost logic stage, yikes!) and am enjoying it. I appreciate some freedoms that my friends with 4 or 5 kids don't have. God has given me a wonderful Dh and two precious children; He has put this fatherless one in a family and my life is rich and full of joy. I try to live in that and not dwell in might have beens - that is a joy stealer for sure.

 

[SparklyUnicorn]

So sorry for your loss.

 

I always thought I wanted 2.  Or more I thought 2 was a good number.  The day after #2 was born I had a tubal.  I sometimes wonder why I rushed into having a tubal.  It's not a regret exactly, but more like...just why did I insist on doing that.  Maybe I would have wanted more.  I don't know.  Then again both of my pregnancies were rough and I haven't had the best experiences with any birth control methods so I didn't want to have to deal with that either. 

 

I'm sure your feelings are very normal/common.  And given the circumstances I thin kit is especially not surprising. 

[Tsuga]

I am very sorry for your losses.

 

While I'm not in the situation of wanting more, I know you aren't alone.  :grouphug:

[fairfarmhand]

I think the further out you are from the baby years, the easier it is to accept. You start doing fun things that would be immensely harder with an infant.

 

I stopped having babies in large part because my oldest daughter takes so much time and energy that I just was barely parenting the kids I had. I liked having babies and at the time enjoyed infants and toddlers. It took me awhile to be okay with it, and to not resent my oldest for being so needy.

 

Now I like big kids.

 

ETA: I am so sorry for your losses. There are no words.

[mom2scouts]

I had secondary infertility, recurrent pregnancy loss, and stillbirth, so I didn't get to choose my family size either.  We did stop before we felt done, but we were tired and getting older.  Now I think it was a good decision to stop when we did.

[redsquirrel]

I am sorry. That is such a difficult place to be. We also struggled with this to some extent. We thought we wanted 3 but were grateful to have the two we got. For a long time I was very angry that the decision to have two kids wasn't made by us, but by biology. It just seemed so unfair.

 

However, years later, I can now see that just having two was prob a better decision for our family. We will always be sad for the larger family we wanted, but also sort of glad we didn't have a bigger family.

 

[SparrowsNest]

I am so, so sorry about the loss of your triplets.  

 

I don't think it's uncommon to feel conflicted about deciding not to have more children, but your history is particularly complex and you are understandably dealing with a lot of difficult emotions.  I wonder if a counselor might help you sort through these feelings?  Sometimes an outside perspective can help in figuring out which feelings are true to yourself and which might be grief from your losses or grief at moving on to a new stage of life.  

 

Whatever you decide, best of luck to you.

[Loowit]

I am sorry for your loss.

 

I have dealt with infertility but we were fortunate that medical intervention allowed us to have our children.  I always wanted at least 4, but we haven't been able to get pg since our youngest was born.  I am now 42 and my gyn says the chances of pg are very low even with treatment.  I am still struggling a lot with it at times, but I think as my children get older I am coming to terms with it a bit at a time.  I don't know if the longing for one more will ever completely go away or not, but it isn't nearly as emotionally painful as it was several years ago.

[J-rap]

I'm so sorry for your loss.  We struggled with infertility for over five years, and I swore that if I could have just one baby, I'd be eternally grateful.  We did have that one baby, and eventually we had more, too.  Our youngest had a multitude of health problems however, so we felt it best to stop there, even though we didn't really want to.

 

But, we have not regretted it.  We made the best decision we could given our circumstances at the time.  I think that's all we could do.

[catz]

I have 2.  I would have liked 3 for a long time, but DH was very resistant.  He is 8 years older than me and just very pragmatic about finances and balancing things.  I actually did have a miscarriage and some health issues with pregnancy.
So he had the big V some time ago, and I'm fine with it.  I made a decision to embrace my kids where they are at every stage and enjoy it fully. 

[Reefgazer]

I'm sorry for the deaths of your children. 

 

I have 2 and wanted more, but my age outran me and I wound up with several miscarriages.  I really wanted 1 or 2 more also, which kind of surprised me because when I was younger I was wishy-washy about having any.

[Butter]

I am so sorry for the loss of your triplets.

 

My friend had a stillborn little girl several years ago.  She wanted one more child so badly for quite some time.  After about 5 or 6 years, she realized that the one more she was yearning for was her little stillborn baby.  She still misses and wants that baby (of course!), but as her youngest living child gets older and older, she is more and more content with the kids she has on earth.

 

If no more children are in the cards for you, I hope you reach the point where you are truly happy with two living children.  If you decide to do IVF again, I hope your pregnancy is a healthy, happy one.  It's a hard decision either way.

[AmandaVT]

I'm so sorry for your losses.  :grouphug:

 

I had always wanted 3 kids for some reason. 3 was in my head from a young age. It took me almost 2 years to get pregnant with DS and though the pregnancy was uneventful, labor and delivery were rough and I ended up being rushed to the OR for an emergency C section. We waited 2 years after DS to try for another, but I was terrified of the thought of another c section as well as terrified of the prospect of laboring for so long and needing another emergency c section. When DS was almost 6, I got pregnant again and had a miscarriage at 7 weeks. I took it as a sign to stop. I'm 38, DH is 47. I accept and love my family for what it is and I appreciate all the benefits of having an only as well. I do, occasionally, think of the what if's, but for the most part, I'd say I'm very content with how things turned out. 

[mumto2]

:grouphug: I am going to echo what others have said it does get a bit easier to accept as I get older. After extremely hard bedrest pregnancies, infertility, and several miscarriages, I gave up. I simply couldn't do it to myself,dh, or my children any longer. My last miscarriage was particularly hard. Complications went on for quite a long time. Dh was supportive although he really wanted 4 children also. I have loved every moment of raising my two and feel incredibly blessed with my two healthy children. I find myself looking forward to grandchildren with great enthusiasm. ;)

[Anne in CA]

I ADORE babies, I would have had as many as I could have, and dh loves babies too, but it is very hard for me to keep a pregnancy, and babies grow up to be teens, and I am working on my teen parenting skills, but I have a long way to go, so it is probably for the best I don't have ten kids.

[alisoncooks]

I was unquestionably done (mentally/emotionally)....until DH was diagnosed with cancer and we were pretty much told that we were finished (medically). Funny how losing the option made me regret not having had more when we had the chance.

[kristi26]

I have four kids. DH and I decided when we were dating that we wanted four. I was happy with four, which was good because I had four c-sections and that last one was the one that HAD to be it, according to my doctor (no longer safe for me to be pregnant). And besides, pregnancy isn't really my thing.  I do it because the end result is a baby that I really want.  I WANT to enjoy pregnancy, I just don't sadly.

 

And then we were asked to adopt a baby.  A girl. I had always wanted a sister for my DD. We prayed about it. We decided that we could and would do five. We were happy. We were excited. And then she died in utero (mom had diabetes and some major complications) and I was devastated. I was NOT ready to be done. I NEEDED to have a fifth child.  I started looking into getting pregnant again even though it was basically impossible and my doctor had told me already that it wasn't safe.  I looked into adopting again.  I was upset by every pregnant or adopting person around me. I thought having another baby would fix it because isn't that how we fix things here in America? If you break something or lose something you love, replace it.  Ignore the sad feelings. Ignore the ache. Fill it with something new and shiny.  But this time I couldn't. I was incapable of filling that horrible empty place. I wallowed in it for at least two years (I had great days and weeks of course, then a bad day or two where I was sad and missed my baby girl).  Basically that loss taught me how to properly mourn a loss. Don't get me wrong. I still am sad that I don't have her sometimes, but I'm also at peace with it. I have finally come to a place where I'm okay with being done even though I wasn't for a long time. I don't need more babies to make me happy.  I need to choose it for myself. And besides, in the next several years there's a good chance I could be a grandma (I've told my kids that my grandma name will be Rainbow Unicorn. They are not amused. :lol: ).

 

So all that to say, I have been in the place where I NEEDED a fifth baby.  A fifth is not in the cards for us.  And I'm okay with that. Prayers that you can get to that place too! :grouphug: 

[3 ladybugs]

Thank you for all the replies.

 

My daughter died at 5 months 5 days. We really thought she was going to come home, then she was ripped from us. I am sure some of what I am dealing with is I miss her. I also know that while I grieved initially for her, I went from one thing to the next to run from that pain. After a while that just became normal.

 

Thank you for the help with this.

[Melissa in Australia]

:grouphug:

[Aiden]

I am so sorry for your losses. I hope you are able to find peace with your family size.

[G5052]

I'm nearly officially in menopause, and I think about more children off and on.  It's not going to happen naturally, and it's not the time of life for us at all.

 

A friend of mine who is in her 70's and still works in labor and delivery says that she still thinks about it too!

 

I think it's normal for many of us who have enjoyed being mothers to think about more children even when it's not reasonable or even possible!

 

But there are of course chapters in life.   :grouphug:

[FaithManor]

I am so sorry. :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

I had a miscarriage with our first, then had four children but in the last two pregnancies I developed a blood clotting disorder that nearly killed me - I stop clotting around 28 weeks and things get dicey from there. We were told I would not survive another pregnancy and dh took care of the issue permanently. For several years I had some emotional times around the anniversary of the miscarriage and would long for one more though it would have been a tragic, foolish choice. Eventually though that passed.

 

I am now down to only three years of homeschooling left before the youngest goes to college. From this end of it, things look pretty great! I am ready for the change, ready to do something else with my life, and very much enjoy having only teens/adult children which is very rewarding and fun!

[Pippen]

:grouphug: I am going to echo what others have said it does get a bit easier to accept as I get older. 

 

For me it was also easier when I took that first big step and moved my baby and toddler things out the door. That part was very difficult because I absolutely loved being a mother of little ones. Handling it all again, sorting, deciding where it should go, selling some at my "going-out-of-baby business" garage sale. Giving away some treasured items to special people in our lives was the first step, and helped ease the letting go of my dream.

 

I didn't have particularly difficult pregnancies, and delivered three healthy babies. I always felt four children was the number that would complete our family, but there were various factors that would make stopping at three the best decision. For years I felt like I would never "feel done" but in time that faded. 

 

:grouphug:

[DawnM]

I wish I had taken the opportunity to adopt a girl 5 years ago.

 

I feel like we are too old now to adopt a younger child.

 

Could you consider adoption?

 

Dawn

[Scarlett]

I have an only. I always wanted more than one....but xh delayed TTC for so many years...I finally got ds when I was 35. I BEGGED for more kids for the next 9 years.....I was obsessed with it at times. But when that marriage ended it was as if by magic my baby fever disappeared. I think the combination of the divorce and menopause did it for me.

 

I am fine now. My life is full, I have stepsons, I will have grandchildren some day....and like Quill at this point when my friends get pregnant I am happy for them but not envious. It exhausts me to think about having a baby now.

[3 ladybugs]

I wish I had taken the opportunity to adopt a girl 5 years ago.

 

I feel like we are too old now to adopt a younger child.

 

Could you consider adoption?

 

Dawn

I am open to adoption. My sisters were adopted from China and are now 13 and 11. However I figure that donor embryo is the same as adoption you just get a child from 5 days from conception.

 

I am planning on going to my IVF clinic after I see my oncologist in 2 weeks. I will have my children with me and I have some stuff for them (a photo of my boys, a photo of my youngest for the Ultrasound tech that found my cancer, my husband's text book that my doctor wanted when it came out). So I am sure I will be asked if we are really done. They have been there through all of this and were very happy the last time I was there and showed them my little one (8 weeks at the time).

[LMV]

Thank you for all the replies.

 

My daughter died at 5 months 5 days. We really thought she was going to come home, then she was ripped from us. I am sure some of what I am dealing with is I miss her. I also know that while I grieved initially for her, I went from one thing to the next to run from that pain. After a while that just became normal.

 

Thank you for the help with this.

 

:grouphug: Hugs!  I admit that after our daughter died, I also probably also shelved a lot more grief than I really dealt with head on.  In some ways this was just reality and perhaps if I hadn't (at least in the short term) I wouldn't have been able to go on and be a good mother to our surviving children, practice medicine, etc.  Ultimately, I was forced to face the grief on a different level when our oldest daughter was sick (and I was terrified that we could lose her as well---many praises to God we didn't and she really is thriving now) and it was only then that my husband and I could really put our marriage back together (as opposed to going through the motions).  We've had five more children come into our family since we reached that point all a bit serendipitously (two births, one adoption, and two foster daughters we will adopt) and I'm pregnant now for the fifth time with what will be our tenth child. None of these children have replaced our late daughter and I've never viewed that as a possibility (as I'm sure you are not either) but I have rejoiced for them, and the joy that they have brought into our lives as I'm sure you rejoice your two living sons. I suppose besides hugs maybe the best advice I could offer would be for both you and your husband to really look at your grief from all angles and gain as much perspective and resolution. I'm not suggesting that you "get over it" because I don't think that piece of your heart ever really fills in completely but, at least for me, I've reached a point where I can really appreciate the time I did have with our second daughter, and look back on the memories of our family at that time with more joy than pain. [i'm not exactly saying this is what you should do because I grasp that our situations are different and you buried three children that you never got to bring home from the hospital so there is probably a lot of pain even mixed in with the day to day memories and we had just a lot of random simple (and probably almost taken for granted) joy with our daughter.] I think after you have reached your peace with your grief (whatever that means for you) then you can decide if your family is complete and look at the logistics of completing it if you feel the calling.  :grouphug:

[Rachel]

I have always wanted four children but three was a compromise with my husband. By the time our third arrived, he was definitely ready to be done. When our third was just shy of a year, I thought I was at peace about not having a fourth so I packed up most of the baby things to pass on to our new nephew. It was really hard, but I felt like it gave me closure so I could focus on the next stage of life. A few weeks later I had a surprise pregnancy and shortly after I found out, miscarried. The roller coaster of emotions was overwhelming.

 

It's been two years since that loss and although I would still love to have another child, I really am at peace with three. I love the baby stage a lot, but at the ages my kids are now life is less complicated. Two years ago I didn't think I would ever experience this peace.

 

I am very sorry for the loss of your precious babies.

[rutamattatt]

I am so sorry for your losses.  

 

I always wanted a larger family - maybe four or five children.  After our second son was born, DH told me he was done.  Just announced it.  I was shocked.  It took me several years to work through that frustration and sadness and for him to understand what deciding this for us felt like to me.  I wanted to adopted, but DH really, really didn't want to do the baby stage again.  Like EVER.  I prayed about adoption for five years before he slowly considered it, and four years ago we adopted our DD who was 13 at the time.  (So we really avoided that baby stage!)

 

I have had to come to terms with the fact that I am just someone who will always want more children.  Really - I would be the old lady who lived in the shoe.  I love children (I am learning to appreciate teens) and I love being a mom.  I have also come to appreciate that my husband's choices are out of love and concern for our family and for me, and not just selfishness on his part.  But it's been a process, and there are still times I grieve not having more children.  It does seem to get easier as my kids have gotten older and a bit more independent.  But I don't think I will ever not have the desire for more.  

 

 

[Amber in SJ]

I had no problem getting pregnant.  I had problems staying pregnant.  Between the hyperemesis and the preterm labor that started around 20 weeks necessitating bed rest until baby's arrival somewhere around 36 weeks I was miserable the entire time.  I had eight pregnancies and have four living children.  During one of my pregnancies the placenta began to die around 28 weeks for no apparent reason and at 35 weeks I delivered a 4lb baby and the doctors told me they had no idea what complications would arise from her oxygen deprivation in utero.  I had two very severe bouts of postpartum depression with babies # 2 & # 4.  Even after all that I wanted at least one more baby.  I spent years looking up suddenly and wondering who was missing.  For years I dreamed about a crying baby that I couldn't find.  DH flat out refused.  He was terrified that one of these pregnancies would kill me or that my PPD would overwhelm me.  

 

Ten years after our last baby I can admit he was right.  Just a few years after our youngest was born our oldest hit adolescence and that was a living hell that I would never survived if I had been caring for a baby.

 

Now that we have one out of the house in college & one on her way in the Fall, I am actually looking forward to our little family.  I choose to love the ones I have and not let the ones I didn't get to raise take up too much time.  Yes, certain anniversaries are hard.  I try to give myself permission to be sad and be gentle with myself and move forward.  

 

The ache does ease with time.

 

(((((hugs)))))

 

Amber in SJ

[Lolly]

Yes. I always wanted a huge family. A baby every two years sounded just perfect to me. A minimum of five or six was my goal. Only my body doesn't seem to like to hold onto babies. With medical help, we finally got one here alive and only six weeks early. Less than two years later (we thought it would take longer for one to stick due to my history), twins arrived on the scene two months early. Dh decided that was enough. (Got to admit the stress of pregnancies is not a great thing for my body undoubtably.)We stopped seeking medical assistance. Two years later, a little gift arrived. Dh decided he couldn't handle anymore. I refused to do anything to prevent it from  happening, so he did. I wasn't ready to stop, but I wasn't about to force fatherhood upon him again. I was able to handle this without resentment. I did find myself thinking that it wouldn't be horrible if a baby fell into our laps...I secretly hoped his vasectomy was a fail (he never went for a count after it was done). Grandchildren sounded lovely... Now, I don't even like babies all that much. It is really strange. If I never hold another infant, I am okay with that. Maybe there is something to that estrogen theory...I just look forward to being able to spend time with dh as he retires early. I enjoy the freedom my life has at this point. It is nice to not have to really take care of anyone right now!

[Guest shahaodou]

I still kind of want another one but I'm OK with the decision.

[kiwik]

I dreamed of one last one - a girl after two boys. But I was 38 when my first was born and 40 with the second. At 42 I would have given it a try but at 45 I started menopause and this year I had my ovaries and tubes removed. I still wish I had that child but it wouldn't have been good for any of us.

[fairfarmhand]

 

 

Ten years after our last baby I can admit he was right.  Just a few years after our youngest was born our oldest hit adolescence and that was a living hell that I would never survived if I had been caring for a baby.

 

 

 

Yup. This was us. Puberty made things very stressful around the house, and I needed to be mom to the ones that I had. I would've never survived had I been pregnant or nursing.

. Now, I don't even like babies all that much. It is really strange. If I never hold another infant, I am okay with that. Maybe there is something to that estrogen theory...I just look forward to being able to spend time with dh as he retires early. I enjoy the freedom my life has at this point. It is nice to not have to really take care of anyone right now!

I thought it was just me! People think that since I have 4 kids, I must love babies. At one time I did. And some babies are cute. I can appreciate that. But I have no regrets, even when I keep the church nursery. And I'm not even in menopause. Perhaps it's because I did the baby thing for about 13 yrs and was thoroughly tired of it.

[Mommy22alyns]

I am so sorry for your loss.   :grouphug:

 

 

DH always wanted 2 kids; I kind of wanted to go for 3.  I had a perfectly healthy and normal first pregnancy and delivery, and then when I got pregnant with Sylvia, we got knocked for a loop at my 20 week ultrasound.  She had CPCs and I had complete placenta previa.  I remember thinking that if they told me one more bad thing, I would start crying.

 

Luckily, the CPCs disappeared, but my placenta never moved, even though they thought it was moving.  At 32 weeks, I had a very severe bleed, barely made it to the hospital, and almost lost Sylvia/had to have an emergency C-section.  They stabilized us and I stayed on hospital bedrest for 4 weeks until they decided to deliver Sylvia.  Luckily, she was very healthy and didn't need any NICU time.

 

At my checkup, they said I have about a 25-30% chance of recurrence of the placenta previa.  That really put a damper on us wanting more kids.  

 

I also have severe depression and anxiety and I'm on a huge cocktail of medications just to function.  Add to that a precarious financial situation.

 

As the years have gone by, I have made myself see all the good parts of being done having kids.  My girls are very close, and I love that they're only 2 years apart.  It would feel strange to have a huge age difference, and I would end up wanting to have another two kids just so they would have a sibling close in age.  I feel like I "handle" the girls better at their current ages than I did when they were younger.  

 

Sometimes I feel like I don't want to "grow up" either.  If I always have young kids, I'm not getting older, right?

[FaithManor]

Also, there is this - two weeks from tomorrow we are leaving for a 9 day trip hitting the Badlands, caverns, Mt. Rushmore, the planetarium in Gillette, WY, etc. and not only do I not have to worry about a stroller, car seat, diaper bag, entertainment, a pack N play for the motels and the like, but these boys will pack their own bags and then pack the van for me as well. They'll carry it all up to the rooms too.

 

It is nice to travel without littles.

 

[3 ladybugs]

It doesn't help when my dad kept having children. I am the oldest. My sisters are 12, 25 and 27 years younger then me. 😳😳

[Mommy22alyns]

Also, there is this - two weeks from tomorrow we are leaving for a 9 day trip hitting the Badlands, caverns, Mt. Rushmore, the planetarium in Gillette, WY, etc. and not only do I not have to worry about a stroller, car seat, diaper bag, entertainment, a pack N play for the motels and the like, but these boys will pack their own bags and then pack the van for me as well. They'll carry it all up to the rooms too.

 

It is nice to travel without littles.

 

 

Oh yes, and then you get to the point where you and DH can go run an errand and just leave the kids at home!!

[3 ladybugs]

Bump

[Storygirl]

I read your update. I'm an adoptive mother. There are many things to think about when considering adoption. One of the things that experts would advise is to work through your feelings about infertility before starting the adoption process. You can take the time to research all of the adoption options, figure out the pros and cons, and decide along with your husband whether it is right for your family. I can tell you that it is extremely common for spouses to have different feelings about adoption. Sometimes it takes one spouse much longer to come around to the idea. Sometimes one spouse will say no. It took my husband awhile to be willing to consider adoption, and that was extremely hard for me. Be prepared for it to be a long and emotionally difficult process. The adoption process itself is a roller coaster, as well, so you want to be a good place emotionally before beginning.

 

I just wanted to caution you that the decision to adopt may take a considerable time, and then the adoption process itself can take a long time. So being able to continue nursing until a new baby arrives may not be feasible unless you plan to nurse for several years. I would also say that not being able to nurse should not be a primary reason not to adopt, and you would need to work your way through your feelings about that. Consider that the adoptive baby will likely not be nursed whether they are in your family or another family, so for the baby the nursing decision is not primary. For them, the primary thing is having a family. Nursing is extra. However, I will say that it is possible for some women to produce milk for an adoptive baby, but you would have to research it.

 

:grouphug:  These things are hard. Since you have experienced so much loss, I would really work through the adoption decision process carefully and may even recommend that you get some counseling from a professional who deals with infertility issues. In the meantime, there are many adoption resources available online and at the library, so that you can learn about adoption at the same time that you work through your decision emotionally.

 

I wish you the best as you make your decisions.

[Hkpiano]

((Hugs)) I know what a hard decision this is. We have three kids and were planning on having more, but I had to have an emergency hysterectomy right after my third was born. I'm truly grateful to be alive and that all my children are healthy, but it does hurt to have the option to have another taken prematurely (I was 27 at the time, 31 now). Like you, our only option now is adoption (or surrogacy, as I still have my ovaries, but that is complicated and costly). I hate when people flippantly say, "Oh, you can adopt!" It's just not that simple.

 

Thank you for your advice, Storygirl. I think it is excellent.

[3 ladybugs]

I have 2 sisters that were adopted and honestly before the triplets, we were thinking that we were headed that way. Since then we have went back and forth between thinking we were going to adopt, and not. When I had radiation we were trying to figure out surrogacy for our frozen embryos. When we got down to only one embryo left, I panicked and started researching all things adoption. I thought it would be our ONLY option. My cancer was a big deal back then because I wouldn't be able to get the stamp off my hand saying I had a normal life expectancy till, well this year (got it 2 weeks ago). Now the cancer isn't such an issue and my oncologist I know would gladly write a letter saying I am fit and normal (though a bit under weight). 

 

My baby turns 2 on Saturday. He is nursing several times a day and LOVES it. Most people look at me strange but I don't care as he is happy, and so am I. I couldn't exclusively breastfeed him when he was born. He had about half me, half formula for his first year. After that we dropped the formula and he was eating solids. If I could, I would want to do something like that again with an adopted child. 

 

My husband didn't know I was going to call the Peri today. In fact neither did I. I just thought I should as this has been in my mind. I honestly thought it would take more then a day to find out. So I will have to see what he says when he comes home. I did text him though and tell him what the doctor said. 

[Ottakee]

Strangely we are at that place too.

 

We had infertility issues and then within 15 months we adopted 7 1/2 year old ds, 8 month old dd, and finally 2 day old dd............who are now 18, 19 and 27.  All were adopted through foster care.

 

Over the years we have fostered over 100 others and went on to place several of those foster kids in other adoptive families as we felt that for that particular child another family was the best.

 

Now we have an 11 year old foster son who likely will be reunited with bio mom.

 

We keep thinking that maybe, just maybe the Lord has one more child out there to complete our family.  At this stage of the game though we are only looking at boys ages 9-13 or so.  We were offered placement of a much younger sibling group but our family was not the best match for them or them for us.

 

All of that to say, it might be not that you adopt now, and maybe if you adopt in the future it won't be an infant but rather a child a bit older.  There are challenges to adopting through the foster care system but I will say that it is so worth it and our one adopted at the oldest age is the one with the least adoption issues.

[littlebug42]

I am so sorry for your losses and those of everyone else on this thread.  

 

I wanted more children than the two that we have.  I did have two miscarriages as well.  However, I hated being pregnant.  I had terrible hyperemesis, was hospitalized several times and was just miserable.  After my second daughter was born and we talked about the possibility of having more children, my dh was emphatically done.  He not only felt that two children was enough but told me that he could just not watch me go through pregnancy again.  Also,  I felt that it just wasn't fair to the children I have to basically take away their mother for a year when they were still so young and needed me so much.  My children are now 11 and 13 and I do not regret our decision to not have more children.  I occasionally get wistful and think what other personalities and spirits we would have gotten but I am good.  No regrets.