What happens if you die?

[sdobis]

I've dealing with a set of health issues now, and I'm not sure what the diagnosis will end up being. I know that some of them are bad. So it's got me thinking about what I would want to happen with my kids specifically when it comes to their schooling.

 

My eldest is moving slowly into college courses, so I wouldn't have to worry about him. My youngest is the kind of kid that would struggle in school. She's 2e and has remained fairly innocent for her 11 years. She is perfect for homeschooling, so I wonder what I could do to keep her out of the schools.

 

Does anyone have a plan in place if they die?

[Arcadia]

:grouphug:

If anything happens to me, my kids will go to private schools. We have no relatives in the states and our friends are dual income family so they won't be able to help out..

[Aiden]

We have a will that specifies who will take custody of our daughter if we both die. We had to accept that there wasn't anyone who would homeschool her. Our extended family consists of nuclear families in which both parents work. Even if the life insurance provided them with enough income for one spouse to quit work and focus on raising and homeschooling our daughter, there is no one who would be willing to do that in exchange for an annual salary comparable to what they could earn. They wouldn't find it satisfying.

 

Our situation is different, though, in that our daughter is not 2e and probably would do fine in school, at least when she's a little older. I'm not sure what we would do if she had special needs--maybe research to see if there's a private school in our family's area that could accommodate her, purchase enough life insurance so that tuition could be covered, and put it in writing that she should attend school there?

 

I pray that when you find out what's going on with you health-wise, it will turn out to be something that isn't too serious. In any case, though, these are good issues for you to think through so that your family can have a plan in place. We don't have known health issues, but we do know that accidents and injuries could happen at any time. It's best for all involved if you have a plan, in writing.

 

:grouphug:

[creekland]

I hope your health issues end up fine, but it's good to have a plan anyway as none of us knows our time (accidents happen).

 

My kids would have ended up with my mom and in public school.  There's no family member around us to have kept them in their home area.  It's possible my mom would have checked with hubby's brother and our SIL to see what their situation was at the time.  She had that option - to see what she felt was best.  They might have homeschooled.  I'm not sure.

 

Fortunately, we never had to use our theoretical plan and I hope you don't either.  It is, however, good to have one.

[Pegs]

I have wondered about this too. I feel so incredibly fortunate to have a close friend who will love, care for, and homeschool my DS if I die while he is a child.

[Ausmumof3]

My sis who is our nominated guardian homeschooled her kids and would probably do mine as well.

[desertflower]

Hugs. I'll be praying that the news will be better than you think.

[Wheres Toto]

If it was just me, Dh would probably continue to have the kids private teacher come and watch them/teach them while he works.  That part of things would stay exactly the same for the kids.

 

If both of us died, oldest dd would get custody.  We need to get a will and outline what we'd like to have happen, and make sure she's aware of it.  She knows she gets custody, we haven't really discussed the specifics of homeschooling, etc. since it's a relatively new situation.  We would like her to continue the current arrangement and she probably would, with help from my parents, at least until the kids were high school age. 

[ByGrace3]

We have discussed this. If anything happened to me, my kids would go to private school. If anything happened to dh and me, my kids would go to my sister and either all 3 of mine and her 2 (they are homeschooled as well) would go to a hybrid school or private school funded by my parents. If for some reason private school did not work out, she would homeschool all 5.

[73349]

I'd expect DH to pay a nanny/tutor to at least finish the year, and then to evaluate whether to continue that or enroll DS in private school. ETA: We wound up discussing it, and DH considers the tutor a far better idea; he wouldn't try to put DS into a school without counseling.

 

If we both die, my BFF gets custody and it's trickier--I don't think there's even a good private school near her--but there will be life insurance money and she and her DH can use their best judgment.

[PeterPan]

We have had a will with guardians assigned since dd was little.  About a year ago it became very obvious ds had additional challenges and that we needed to update our wills.  For his SN we are creating a Letter of Intent, which is not legally binding but which we required our prospective guardians to agree to implement (insofar as humanly possible, obviously).  You can google Letter of Intent.  Basically it's the answer to how you hand off your SN kids.  

 

You may also want to set up a trust or other financial provisions.  There are some really frank discussions you have to have about what is important, how much of your estate would be used to provide for xyz, how they would prioritize that.  

 

 

[SparklyUnicorn]

I'm so sorry.  I don't have a specific plan.  My kids would probably end up going to school unless they happened to be old enough to handle a lot on their own. 

[Laura Corin]

I hope all turns out well.

 

If I had died when I was home educating the boys, they would have gone to private school - we had insurance in place to cover the cost.  If we both had died, my brother would have taken the boys and the money would have been used for private school near him.

[Twigs]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[KarenC]

My dc are 18, 16, and 13.  The oldest graduates this year, so dh would only have to worry about the younger two.  The 16 yo takes classes at the local LAC and could continue to do so.  The youngest could start in the LAC or could go to a private school.  We have life insurance that should cover their education.

 

If they were younger, they would probably all end up in private school.

[alisoncooks]

I've thought of this, especially the other side of the coin: what would I do if DH died (he was diagnosed with cancer in Nov).

If DH died, I'd probably go back to teaching in ps, so the kids would go to ps, too.

 

If I died, they'd probably do the same, since he'd have to work. If we both died, they'd go to my parents, who'd put them in ps...so it's ps all the way, LOL.

[dirty ethel rackham]

ETA:  I hope everything turns out OK.  Praying for a positive outcome.

 

My kids are older and my youngest would probably do OK in high school, so the point is moot for us.  However, when the kids were younger, I thought about this a lot.  In fact, it came up often at our homeschool support group (not as an official topic for discussion, but just between friends.)  My oldest two kids would not have thrived in school - public or private.  My oldest was a tenderhearted brainiac with a health problem that was socially difficult (he had encopresis that took YEARS to resolve despite the promises of the peds GIs we saw.)  I could never put a kid with that in school.  NEVER.  I was a bedwetter and I lived with harrassment and bullying long after the bedwetting resolved itself.  My second kid had sensory processing issues and school would have been torture.  (Both of these kids are doing well academically and socially in college.)  My younger one is probably the most adaptable.  While I still believe homeschooling was superior for her, she would probably have done reasonably well in school.

 

If it were the primary homeschooler to die, the plan was to have enough life insurance to be able to hire a tutor to homeschool the kids and the other homeschool moms would help out on other group activities.  If both parents were to die, then we would have ample $$ for whoever was to be their guardians to do the same thing, at least until they could adjust to going to school if it was determined that they would have been able to deal with it.  I had talked things over with the people we picked as their guardians and discussed the issues I was concerned about to help inform their decisions.  The family members we chose as guardians were agreeable to this, even if though they had not chosen to homeschool their own kids. 

 

We did get to see this plan in action with a family where the mom became disabled.  They did not get life insurance since she survived the health issue, but they were financially comfortable enough to be able to afford the tutor. 

[Mom22ns]

Yep, I thought about it. I made long term contingency plans and updated them every year. I researched what classes, online or mostly independent that my kids could do to keep homeschooling through high school. If I died, some of the life insurance money would have covered part time tutoring.

 

My oldest is also 2e and I promised him he'd never have to go back to ps. Dh has always worked from home, so childcare wasn't needed, but he does have to work and that wouldn't have allowed a lot of time for homeschooling. It was a hard concept to deal with and I'm thankful that dh never had to implement my plans, but he knew they existed and where to find them.

 

Wishing you the best with your medical issues OP.

[MinivanMom]

I hope everything turns out all right.

 

If I was having serious health problems, then we would probably put the older kids in public school. I have a family member that would help out with continuing to homeschool the younger ones during a crisis. My oldest isn't in high school, though, and I know it's a trickier situation to transition to public school midway through high school. In that case, I would probably let her finish homeschooling high school by outsourcing all her courses.

 

If I died then all the kids would eventually go to public school. The older kids would probably go in immediately (the fall after I passed), while dh would hire a nanny/tutor for the younger kids. I imagine he would take some time off from work during the transition. We have insurance to cover these expenses.

 

We are fortunate to have "good" public schools. They are getting a better education at home with me, but our schools are a completely viable option in an emergency.

[Guest]

My inlaws homeschooled my husband and his siblings in the 80's and 90's, and they're also the most economically settled of the potential caregivers. FIL used to teach high school math and science, in additon to his engineering degrees. I told my parents I loved them but it was a no brainer to have my inlaws take the kids. They live in the same town, watch them weekly anyway, etc. It would be the easiest transition for the kids, too, not having to move somewhere unfamiliar and already having a close relationship with this part of the family.

 

They'd definitely homeschool the kids for me, and would also make sure my children actually got to see *my* side of the family down south. We keep meaning to get more than verbal confirmation of this because, though we both have life insurance, we've been lazy drafting up a will. It's understood by all parties involved but having it on paper seems like a good idea!

[lllll]

:grouphug:

[sdobis]

Thanks for all of the great responses. Hopefully everything will be fine, and I'll end up with a good plan in place. 

[Southern Ivy]

My parents would get DD if anything were to happen to both of us. I don't expect my mom to homeschool her, but we've also discussed that DD would go to the private school where my mom works (same school that I grew up in). 

This does make me think of what we would do if I were to pass while my husband was still alive. That might be something we need to chat about very soon. 

[Hunter]

Twice I was told it was unlikey I would survive 5 years. The first time my boys were infant and barely 2, and the second time they were 2nd and 3rd grade.

 

Nothing turned out like anyone expected. Often people's advice was what was best for THEM, not for me and my boys.

 

My best advice is to be totally selfish, live for the day, and NOT plan the future. Hunker down, start skipping all the nonsense, spend time with your kids, and do what you want. Learn to curse and start telling people off.

 

What was it that Angelina Jolie said recently? "It is polarizing and it is peaceful"? It can be that if you give yourself permission to curse and tell people off, and do NOT focus on after you might be gone.

[RKWAcademy]

If my husband and I both die, my kids would go across the country to live with my sister.  My honest wish is that our life insurance money could be used by them so she could stay home and homeschool her kids and mine.  Her son, in particular, is so very bright that I wish she were able to homeschool him.  But, she can't right now.  But, perhaps she could homeschool them all if something happened to us.  My mom would move there in a heartbeat if that happened, so she'd have help.  If not, I trust that she'll make the best school decision for them.  Even if they go to public school, she has much better ones near her than I have.  So, they'll be alright as far as school goes.  But my sister and her family and my parents are really all the family we have.  And none of them live in our state.

[idnib]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug: 

 

If DH dies, we have a large life insurance policy in place and things would continue as planned.

 

If I die, the kids would probably be enrolled in the most suitable school. The truth is I don't have life insurance because between my monthly expenses (food, medical, etc) and that fact that out retirement would belong completely to DH, he would be set. DS is getting old enough to stay alone a bit and watch DD so we would not need childcare. DH works from home so he would be there when the kids got home. We live within walking distance to many things and have a good transportation system so there's not much chauffeuring either. It would be different if DH worked outside the home, or we had a lot of driving, or the kids were young enough to need childcare while DH was at work.

 

If we both die, the kids plus our estate would go to my sibling. We already worked that out in our wills. 

 

 

[HeWillSoar]

We have insurance but I don't know what would happen as far as educating my middle son.  The youngest would be fine in a public school.  But the middle, the reason why we homeschool is because that was our best and pretty much only option.  Public school was not working out for him, and I highly doubt any private school could give him what he needs.  It is definitely something we need to think more about. 

 

Praying for you. 

[maize]

We have life insurance, and our chosen guardians are open to homeschooling--they have homeschooled some of their children at different times. I trust their judgment when it comes to making specific arrangements whether homeschool or otherwise should the need arise.

[Loowit]

If something were to happen to me I am not sure what DH would do with the kids.  Probably put them in public school except DD.  Once the kids are high school age they would have to re-take all of their classes because our local schools do not accept homeschool classes.  In that case I would guess my parents and DH's parents would pitch in and help if needed.

 

If something were to happen to both DH and I then my brother and his wife would get the children.  My guess is that the kids would be enrolled in public school with their children.

[Guest]

If I die, DS goes to a friend (who also homeschools her 5).  There is enough life insurance to cover DS's extracurriculars and any outsourcing my friend would need to provide DS since me and her school very differently (plus a new house for them because DS would push them over the edge most likely).

[displace]

I feel sad for you needing to consider this seriously. I've given it some thought since we started hsing. DS is also 2e, with dyslexia/dysgraphia. I told DH to not send him back to ps! I guess once he is old enough for some real accommodations like computers for classes it would be fine to go back to public school but that's a long time in the future.

 

It would be a nightmare on top of another nightmare. It would be beyond the worst case scenario. I said to take the life insurance, pay for a personal tutor and keep him home, and to also work less hours.

[GrammarGirl]

I think it's important to express our wishes but to also tell those who will care for our children that, ultimately, we trust them to make the right decisions as the children's needs warrant. I had a student whose mother made her husband promise he would keep homeschooling after she passed away from cancer. He kept the promise for a while but homeschooling was not working with his job. The boy was falling behind. The dad decided to enroll the son in our UMS school, a compromise with the mom's dying wish as the boy would work at home two days a week but have the needed oversight of teachers. For a few years, the boy was really depressed. I believe he really needed to be in school where loving teachers could help his dad. It frightens me to think of him staying at home all the time. He was not the kind of boy to seek friendship. He was eventually put on meds to help him with the depression, and he really changed for the better. Ultimately, I think the most important thing we can do is entrust our children to those who will make decisions most like ours because what we really want is what's truly best for our children as they grow, change, and possibly face struggle.

[PeterPan]

I think it's important to express our wishes but to also tell those who will care for our children that, ultimately, we trust them to make the right decisions as the children's needs warrant. I had a student whose mother made her husband promise he would keep homeschooling after she passed away from cancer. He kept the promise for a while but homeschooling was not working with his job. The boy was falling behind. The dad decided to enroll the son in our UMS school, a compromise with the mom's dying wish as the boy would work at home two days a week but have the needed oversight of teachers. For a few years, the boy was really depressed. I believe he really needed to be in school where loving teachers could help his dad. It frightens me to think of him staying at home all the time. He was not the kind of boy to seek friendship. He was eventually put on meds to help him with the depression, and he really changed for the better. Ultimately, I think the most important thing we can do is entrust our children to those who will make decisions most like ours because what we really want is what's truly best for our children as they grow, change, and possibly face struggle.

Bingo.  We decided that the important thing was to give the guardians tools to know how to deal with the SN.  Beyond that, they have total discretion to pick the set-up that works for them.  In reality, there are usually multiple ways to structure a solution.  I'm only specifying things that MUST happen, and even then I'm providing multiple ways they can make that happen.  For instance, he has to have dyslexia-appropriate instruction.  It can be OG, Wilson, Barton, whatever, but it must be dyslexia-appropriate.  The provider can be a tutor during pullouts from their school of choice or in a dyslexia school or tutored while homeschooling.  It would not be reasonable to specify anything beyond the essential parameters.  

 

We are the magic of our homeschool.  I don't expect someone else to be me, kwim?  When I'm gone (if I'm gone), we can't cry over that.  We just will have to move on to the new, good thing.

[elegantlion]

At this point, ds would just go to college as he graduates this year. A few years ago, the plan would have been for him to live with my parents and dual-enroll at the nearby community college. That would have been a hassle for the driving, but they would have made it work. Before my divorce ds would have probably had to attend public school. Ex is a great a dad, but could not have handled homeschooling. 

 

 

As morbid as the topic is, it is important to consider. There have been at least 4 regular posters here than have passed away in recent years, others that have lost their spouse. 

[LLMom]

If we both die, they go to live with our 25  year old dd, and they would be in Catholic school.  If just I die, they would be in Catholic school.  If he dies, It would be a mix like it is now of Catholic school and homeschool. 

[prairiewindmomma]

We have had these discussions.

 

One of the critical things that came up in discussion was that dh didn't know where our academic records are, what testing we had done (specifically) or where to find those reports, or previous 504s/accommodations.....you know, all of that essential stuff for a successful transition.  I've talked about all of those things with him, but he never clued in that he needed to know beyond being a listening ear to me.

 

The other thing we discovered is how complicated navigating the public school SN system is.  Outlining the process and getting a copy of the WrightLaw advocacy book was helpful.

[JenneinCA]

If something happens to my husband, we continue homeschooling.

 

If something happens to me, my oldest would start community college, my middle would either start high school in the fall or start community college (he is of an age to start high school in the fall but has passed the CHSPE and could go to community college if he wanted to), and my youngest would be in public school.

 

If something happens to both of us, my kids would be moving to Arizona to be with their grandparents. The grandparents would put them all in the local schools. I would hope that they would talk to the older ones and at least try the local community colleges, but I can't guarantee that. The youngest would be in the local elementary school.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I know that when Kay (Kalanamak) first knew she was had terminal cancer she put her son in the local public school.  She did that so that he could get comfortable there and address any problems while she was still there to help and advocate for him.  Her husband would not have been able to homeschool their son.  Of course not everyone has warning but in some health situations we do have time to put our affairs in order, including those for our kid's education.

 

In my case my ds is old enough that he would just finish at home on his own.  I'm not sure what dh would do with dd - probably put her in the local public school.  If dh died I would want to keep homeschooling but so much would depend on finances.  If we both died, the children's guardians would probably put dd in the local school.  

[fairfarmhand]

My life insurance is enough so that my kids could go to private school. However, I believe my oldest would continue in our county virtual school for her next year (she's finishing up her jr year right now) My second dd would be old enough for the virtual school and she could go either way. It wouldn't surprise me if she preferred to avoid private school until she's in high school, especially if her sister is at home.

 

My 2 youngest would go to the local private school.

 

ETA: I've always schooled my kids with this in the back of my mind. (not that I'm ill or anything) I just know that we can't ever know the future and no matter what happens, I want my kids prepared academically so they can coast for a bit if their hearts are hurting so bad they can't think.

[mazakaal]

I've given this a lot of thought since my husband passed away. I had a new, very detailed will drawn up and took out a term life insurance policy. My nephew and niece will get custody of my kids if anything happens to me. The oldest is nearly 19 and finished with school. My 17yo is fairly independent with his schoolwork, so he'll just finish up his last high school courses pretty much on his own. The nephew and niece who will be guardians to my kids have five kids of their own (ages 4-12) who they homeschool. I trust them to make whatever decision will work best for the whole family. There is enough money from the life insurance that they could put the kids in private school or hire help to allow them to homeschool all the kids.

 

It's really good that you are thinking about this. Even if you weren't facing a difficult diagnosis, it's really wise to have a plan. We never know what tomorrow holds.

 

If you feel like homeschooling is what is best for your youngest, can you find a close friend or family member who could homeschool her if anything happens to you? You'll be in my prayers.

[Reefgazer]

I've spoken to my DH about this and I've told him "Oak Meadow" (or whatever school online works for you).

[Guest]

I've spoken to my DH about this and I've told him "Oak Meadow" (or whatever school online works for you).

 

I have done the same with my adult son and Time4Learning.

 

That's not what I would want for my minor son if I were still alive by any means, but I honestly worry more about Bigger than I do about Littler.

[birchbark]

I wrote up a short one-page "education will" for my DH in case anything happens to me and he should decide to continue homeschooling. Life often can pan out differently than you imagine and I trust him to make the best decision for the kids. The "will" just has a list of simple curriculum options (like Easy Peasy, or ones we already own) and links for online classes. 

 

If both of us die we have no expectations toward the kids' caretakers that they will continue homeschooling.

 

If anything happens to DH, I will try to homeschool K-8 using curriculum I already have, but no guarantees! High school will be decided upon for each kiddo as it comes.

 

:grouphug:

[Hypatia.]

I started thinking about this after having a massive pulmonary embolism last year. Luckily I already had life insurance, which along with DH's military retirement would allow him to pay off the house, any other debts, and continue to homeschool the kids (longterm if he wished, or at least until things settled down). I realized that he doesn't really know what curriculum we are using, so I made a list of current items for each child along with tentative plans for down the road. It's not something set in stone, but enough to give him guidance as he got used to being the educator. I also put in doctor & dentist info, information for DS2's speech therapy, and life insurance policy info so he could find it easily. It's all in the big "if mommy dies" notebook in the safe, which also contains our marriage license, the kids' birth certificates and social security cards. 

[edelweiss]

I am so sorry to hear about your health issues and hope that everything turns out well.

 

I have given this a lot of thought because this is something I really worry about.  I am hoping that I'll be around and well at least until my girls graduate high school.  My youngest just turned 12, so we have 6 more years.

 

My older daughter will be going to private school next year, so I think that my younger daughter would probably just join her there.  If either or both of them were struggling with private school, I think my husband would go back to having them homeschooled with the help of a tutor.

 

My 12 year old hopes to pursue a career as a ballerina, so I would encourage my husband to consider sending her to a full-time dance academy/school when she is emotionally ready to handle it.  It might be hard for her to leave home, but it would be the best thing for her.

 

If my husband were to die, I'd have plenty of life insurance money, so we'd continue on the path we are already on.  DD1 would still go to private school and DD2 would continue to be homeschooled.