Talk me into or out of video games

[Aspasia]

Back in my righteous pre-parent days (and in the even more righteous parent-with-only-one-baby days), I was adamantly opposed to video games in all forms. Since then, my position has become much softer. I can definitely see the value in video games. But I also still have some reservations, mainly concerning limits and restrictions and obsession/addiction and battles. I'm sure there are lots of things that the more seasoned parents have experienced or thought of that I haven't, so...give me your best case for or against video games. Considering a Wii, specifically, as I have heard it's best for younger families.

 

(If you're FOR video games and your experience has been good, do you set limits or do your kids self-regulate? Is it a source of stress between you and your kids? What is your system? How does all of that work in your house?)

[Nemom]

Looking at the ages of your kids-I say hold off for awhile. I've tried to set limits and have had good intentions but sometimes I am just too tired to argue about it.

 

Once you go down that road it is a slippery slope.

[applethyme]

We have a Wii but the children aren't that into it.

 

The Leap pad and Innotab get much more use.  I keep both in a bag with all the games and take it to doctors appts or long car trips.  Ds has many medical appts and some of the waiting and examination rooms are too small to do much more than sit quietly so this helps. 

[Momof3littles]

We were a low screen family for years, then as the kids got older we let out the reins a bit.  What works for me is to address screentime with my kids in terms of it all counting together.  So for example, I'm not okay with an hour of tv plus an hour of xbox, plus playing on the kindle/phone/what have you. 

 

THey get more time on the xbox with kinect in the winter, but I'm okay with that. 

 

I've found for my kids a natural way to keep some level of balance besides my limits is to offer them fun alternatives.  Today we started our Advent calendar activities and we made Perler bead ornaments.  My kids are age 4.5 through almost 11.  So having fun crafty stuff available, projects going, books, art supplies, etc. definitely helps.  It also makes me feel like they can't really be "bored" if they don't feel like they have fun stuff to do.  They have oodles to do.

 

In the winter we also do more family board games in the evenings, sometimes with a fire in the fireplace. 

 

Yes, they push back and want more time, yes there are days they get more time playing than I'd like, but overall it has worked out okay for us over the last 2-3 years.  I was a no TV before age 2 type of mom with my older 2.  Relaxed that some with child #3.  Their heads haven't imploded yet.  But yes, it can be difficult to figure out a way to set reasonable limits, and I think some of the self regulation depends on the kid.

 

eta: I agree your kids are a bit young.  Mine were a little older, but not much.

[clarkacademy]

If I could do it over they would have never come in my home

[Aspasia]

Looking at the ages of your kids-I say hold off for awhile. I've tried to set limits and have had good intentions but sometimes I am just too tired to argue about it.

 

Once you go down that road it is a slippery slope.

 Yes, the slippery slope thing is exactly why I'm hesitant. DH really, really wants one, and I'm trying to keep my mind open, but I've heard this before.

 

That being said, I do think there are good things about them. Some people I know say that video games are a good way for their kids to "reset" during the day--just kind of exit and start over. And a lot of people say they're a good bargaining tool. And of course, I do like the strategy and problem solving component in many of the games. Hmmmm....

[ScoutTN]

wouldn't you rather buy books?! ;)

[monstermama]

I only have a two-year-old, so most of my opinion is based on my childhood and watching friends and their kids.  Take it for what it's worth :)  

 

DH and I are both gamers.  My 2-year-old gets about 15-30 minutes of game time on the iPad every day.  Some of it I spend with him playing, some of it I use as toddler-free cleaning time :)  I much prefer him playing a game (his current favorite is a Mr. Potato Head app) to watching a TV show.

 

I think addiction/overuse is a serious concern, and I'd go into it with clear boundaries for time limits and consequences if those aren't followed.  I personally feel, however, that it's better to address that as a kid than avoiding it altogether and having them deal with it when they're a young adult.  I don't ban peanut M&Ms from the house just because I desperately want to eat the whole bag in one sitting :)  It's OK if you binge once in a while (candy on Halloween or playing a lot when a new game comes out), but overall it should be in balance with everything else.

 

I also think it's really important to sit down and play the games with your kids.  My parents were never really interested and never wanted to play with me. My DH still remembers how elated he was at beating a particularly hard level of a Zelda game, and how crushed he was when his mom brushed off his excitement with "all you did was push buttons, why are you so proud?"  DS currently likes building weird creations in the Mr. Potato Head app and shows them off to me.  I'm looking forward to playing Mario Kart with him when he's older :)

[Susan in TN]

If I could do it over they would have never come in my home

This is how I feel. I would have taken the game system and thrown it out. I am slowly easing them out of our family life now.

 

I really dont have a problem with games or electronics themselves. But in combination with some of the personality-types in our house, they are just not a good idea. I would be happy to let them go out and play games in an arcade, or have access in other situations outside the house. I am hoping that within a few months we will find a happy balance that works, but I have tried in the past and have not been successful.

[PeacefulChaos]

Well, we never could have been a no-video-game family, since there were always video games in the house.  DH didn't generally play them with the kids around, not so much because of content or anything like that, but because he'd rather be doing something with them.  He still doesn't, usually, unless everyone is kind of doing their own thing, anyway, and no one is using the TV or whatever.

 

At the ages your kids are, they didn't really have anything - they weren't particularly interested in anything.  We bought the Wii for the kids... uh... I don't remember lol... 2-3 years ago?  It wasn't when it was brand new on the market.  Even after we bought it, though, they weren't super interested for awhile - they had fun bowling with us or whatever, but it wasn't really something they were super interested in.

Even before that, our oldest systems - Sega, etc - were open and available for them to play in my room.  (not the optimal place, but I wouldn't put one in their room - never plan to - and it was the only other option since we didn't want them on the main TV.)

We 'gifted' Link DH's DS when he was 8, almost 9 (it was Christmas - his birthday is Feb 3).  He liked playing it.  He had also, somewhere around 9, begun playing a few games on the Wii and the PS2 - Epic Mickey, Mario, and some Zelda and Kingdom Hearts.

Last year, each boy got a 3DS for Christmas.  They play a fair amount now - Zelda, Pokemon, etc - and we moved the Wii into our room with the PS2 and older stuff, so they play stuff on the Wii in there - Super Smash Brothers is a BIG hit right now, and they just got new Pokemon games for the 3DS (they just came out like a week and a half ago?)... Link still plays KH and Zelda, too.

 

So now, they play video games more than they used to, but from the time they started to care about them (when they didn't care, it would literally be weeks between, and only when everything else had been exhausted, so there was no point then), there was always a time and a place for them.  

In our house, screens are only allowed after dinner unless outside is especially cold/rainy/etc.  Then there can occasionally be screens in the afternoons.  On vacation days and weekends, it's on a case by case basis, though we don't ever let them just play games all day.  We have them break up their game time with other activities, usually going outside, because that's the other thing they love to do.  

Generally, they do play at night between 9 and 10, because 'bedtime' is at 9 (they all get ready for bed, tell us goodnight, etc, and Pink actually does go to bed) and the boys don't have to be in bed til 10.  We have them turn their stuff in to us at night when they go to bed, just for good practice - it would be oh so tempting and easy for them to play it without us knowing during the night, kwim?  So we just eliminate that.  And the consoles are in our bedroom, so they obviously can't get to those.

Since they've long gotten used to our rules, we don't have any difficulties with them.  

I think that it's good for them to get used to it being a regulated activity.  I think that with regulations, leading to self-control with parental guidance, there will be a better chance of them handling it responsibly throughout their lives, rather than going crazy on it and playing endlessly as soon as they don't have any supervision.  That's just my opinion, though, as I married into a family with a couple of gamers who regulate themselves quite well by doing so.  

 

On a side note, it also can provide an effective disciplinary tool.  I know a lot of people on here don't believe in discipline in that manner - 'punishment', for lack of a better word - but sometimes pre-hormonal pre-teens need a little incentive to get them past the flare up of anger that they inevitably figure out was inappropriate about 5 minutes later.  :P  And we're not afraid to take away all screens - not just video games - for an indefinite period of time, if there is something about their behavior that we feel needs correcting.  The screens have nothing to do with said behavior, but it's another tool, like I said.  (runs and ducks from all the anti-punishment comments that usually come flying :P )

[Elisabet1]

PC games they will not self regulate. Game system games that do not connect to the internet, they will.

 

I like the Wii. But I am a Mario fan!

[catz]

When my kids were your kids age, they had a hard 30 minute limit per day.  My son does not self regulate for online or offline gaming.  At 14, I'm less concerned.  He's a good kid with good social skills and no unusual tendencies related to tech use.  If he were, I would take a harder line.   Although, I still do have limits and own passwords.  He has friends that if they were my kid, I would be regulating harder.   I remove all screens as punishment occasionally, all though it has not been necessary for a while.

[Arcadia]

I have to regulate since hubby is also a gamer. I don't allow exciting/arcade style games before bedtime as kids can't calm down to sleep. Games like battleship, mastermind, chess, carsonne on the tablets are okay by me as they don't affect my boys ability to sleep.

My hubby would play plants vs zombies on the tablets until 1am so I have to nag him to sleep.

I grew up playing at the arcades, it is a nice destressor but everything in moderation.

[Gil]

I've made the executive decision against video games and until my youngest is 10.  When he's 10, I'll get them a computer to share and teach them to use it as a tool, to do many things and when they are more capable computer users then they can begin playing computer games.

 

I don't mind them playing video games at a friends or an arcade, but given my kids personalities, video games shouldn't be brought into our home while they are young and when they come in it will be gradual and definitely overseen by me until the kids are closer to HS age.

[MinivanMom]

 Yes, the slippery slope thing is exactly why I'm hesitant. DH really, really wants one, and I'm trying to keep my mind open, but I've heard this before.

 

That being said, I do think there are good things about them. Some people I know say that video games are a good way for their kids to "reset" during the day--just kind of exit and start over. And a lot of people say they're a good bargaining tool. And of course, I do like the strategy and problem solving component in many of the games. Hmmmm....

 

*There are lots of ways to "reset" without video games: playing outside, going on a walk, reading a book, practicing an instrument.

 

*I am raising my children with lots of love and respect, reasonable boundaries, and flexibility. None of that involves the use of any "bargaining tool". That's not how I want to interact with my children.

 

*Video games would not be my first choice for developing strategy and problem solving. I would be thinking chess, card games, math circles, formal logic, etc. There are lots of much better ways to stretch the mind than a video game.

 

That being said, if you enjoy video games, then there is nothing wrong with getting a system for your children. I wouldn't try to justify it as being beneficial or educational, though. It's a video gaming system. It's for recreation. If you enjoy it or your kids enjoy it, then get a system and enjoy it as a family. If you don't care for video games or you don't think it meshes with your lifestyle, then don't get one. It's not a moral choice that reflects on your parenting or character. As long as you go into it with an awareness of the potential for addiction, then you will probably be okay. We don't have one, because that's not how we care to spend our time. Others spend their time differently.

 

[kroe1]

DS34 and I have been gamers for over 30 years. There have never been restrictions. DD14 started gaming at age 6 months. All of us have had more than a few times of playing 24 hours straight.

 

So in that time of gaming, DS became an ER physician and DD14 is two grade levels ahead. She will start college at age 16 if she keeps it up.

 

Is that for or against? Lol.

[Justified]

Well, we have an Xbox but it's rarely used for gaming. The kids play on kinect party which is just an interactive scenery really (great for rainy/snowy days). This is every once in a while most times if the year. Once a week I let them play some motorcross game where they just do crazy stunts. Mostly we watch educational stuff on YouTube and Amazon on the Xbox. We do use the iPad a lot and since they will be getting their own, I see them getting additional time.

 

When we were kids, we were casual gamers. I know I binged here and there but once the binge was over it was over. I think there is a lot of bad gaming out there that can be mood modifiers. I think one can use common sense in this area. This might be the real slippery slope that I wouldn't go down. We never played gory violent games when we were young, but we did enjoy Zelda and Donkey Kong. We always worked together as a group to figure things out.

 

I think at your LOs ages I would look into leappads. I never limited the use on the leappads. The only videos I put on them where foreign language videos though. I don't recall ever having to take them away either to stop a binge. They never played them for too long of a time. Part of it is that we are always doing something or going somewhere so there isn't time for binging.

 

We had a wii for a while and it was fun. It's definitely not a bad choice. It was great for rainy, snowy days for sure. Honestly technology isn't the bad guy. It's not being careful about the content that comes in. That is the danger. I have no idea how much tv, Leappad and ipad time my kids get and honestly I don't bother myself about it. Live a life of variety and this won't be an issue. (If it's any comfort, my kids are above grade level and will read thru a chapter book a day for fun.)

[Jenny in Florida]

My kids never spent a lot of time on video games. My husband bought himself a gaming system when the kids were young (10-ish and 7-ish, I think), and they played a few games with him occasionally. Within a year or so, though, it was sitting next to the TV gathering dust. Eventually, it got moved into a cabinet, where it sat for a few years.

 

When the Wii came out, my husband happened to be walking through a store one day and saw one sitting on the shelf at a decent price. He grabbed it, brought it home and stashed it in the garage, waiting for the moment when one or the other of the kids would express an interest in owning one. It sat there for well over a year before we got bored one weekend and decided to open the box. For a few months, my husband and the kids, especially my son, played quite a bit. And my son played with friends when they came over. But then the Wii, too, ended up sitting mostly unused for months at a time. 

 

When my son was younger, he went through a phase in which he was very frustrated by how many boys were interested in playing mostly or only with video games. He didn't have a handheld unit, for a variety of reasons, and found himself excluded in certain situations. (The worst was backstage at ballet rehearsals and performances, when the kids often had to hang out in their dressing room for large chunks of the show.) He wanted a handheld game pretty badly back then, just because it seemed to be the ticket to being part of the group. But once that phase passed, he lost interest.

 

Over the years, each of mine has gone through phases of being briefly into some kind of online or video gaming. My daughter was really into Neopets for a few months back when that was a thing, and my son has played a variety of online simulator and building games. Last summer, he played an adventure RPG with a group of guys from a show he was in at the time. But once everyone was back in school, that faded, too.

 

We never put time limits on gaming or any other screens. Instead, we prioritized many other things over screen time. With the exception of the computers used for schoolwork and maybe a radio, no electronics ever got turned on in our house until schoolwork was done for the day. And since both of mine were active in a variety of extracurricular activities that kept them busy many afternoons and evenings, that one rule had the practical effect of meaning they often went days without having a chance to play a video game. We also did prohibit a lot of specific games that we deemed too violent or otherwise problematic, which meant some of the latest and greatest titles didn't make it to our gaming system.

 

And, although my husband did and does play some games with them, I made the conscious choice not to get involved. I have very little interest, anyway, having never found a game that hits the "sweet spot" of being challenging without tipping over into stressful for me, and I wanted to model the reality that it's possible to live a healthy, happy, fulfilling life without being dependent on electronics for all or most of one's entertainment.

 

Now that my son is living in a dorm, he has a group of guys he does play some games with a few times a week. He plays whatever they make available and enjoys it, but for the most part would rather construct some boffer swords with duct tape and PVC and go duel on the lawn in front of the building. 

 

With the exception of those hours my son spent backstage at the ballet, neither of my kids seems to have been emotionally or socially stunted by not having devoted much time to gaming. I sent one to college at 16 and the other at 12, and both are happy and healthy with friends and busy lives with a wide range of interests and talents. So, I have no regrets about the way we handled it.

[sewingmama]

I think it depends on the kids personality.  I have 2 that are great at obeying limits and one that is a total addict and whines and begs for it every day.

 

I was dead set against video games...till I had a boy that did not play with toys and I was just lost what to buy him so I caved to a WII. It's pretty sad really but thank goodness a new Skylanders game comes out every year near his birthday or I wouldn't know what to get him.

 

Our limits are after 5pm only.(which is usually when I am making dinner so its handy lol) and by then they've done school and had tons of other play time. On weekends they can play a few hours on Saturday but we usually go out so they often don't.  No Wii on Sunday..that is church day.

 

If they fight..it goes off

 

If they don"t share..it goes off

 

When I call them for dinner it goes off immediately or they don't get it the next day.

 

I don't usually use it as a bargaining tool. The kids are free to play it so long as they obey me if I tell them it needs to be turned off.

 

Mostly they are excellent at following the rules but my 5yo is addicted to screens and will whine and beg for it a lot. He has always been my "pusher of boundaries" though and is the only one who has actually been banned from it for not obeying. I figure he will work it out as he gets older and I follow through on limits.

 

They all know if it starts to take over their life it leaves and doesn't come back.

 

The kids are getting an X-box for Christmas....mainly because they have been so good about following the rules with the Wii. If they weren't then the Wii would be the only video game they ever got.

 

 

[Pawz4me]

We've always allowed games and never put any restrictions on them.  Thankfully we never had to, because the boys are pretty good at self regulating and they've never been interested in violent games (unless sports games count ;)).

 

It has simply never been an issue in our house.  I don't consider their gaming systems as good or bad, or superior/inferior to any other leisure activity they engage in.  I really think when people put so much emphasis on such things they tend to create an issue that otherwise might not have been there.

 

FWIW, our Wii hasn't been touched in years.  Youngest DS's game console (it's either an XBox or a Playstation, I can't remember) died over a year ago and he hasn't been interested in replacing it.  He does play a few games on his phone now.

 

My belief has always been that familiarity and plenty of access is more likely to make something routine, mundane and less appealing, whereas scarcity/restricted access is more likely to make something highly desirable and coveted.

 

(I'm not wording things well this early in the morning.  But those are my thoughts and experiences.)

[Joules]

Ds is 17. He started playing on the computer (things like Living Books and Pajama Sam) when he was one or two. We first got a Gameboy and Pokemon when he was about 6 or 7. We got a Wii when they came out and a PS3 when our DVD player broke a few years ago (since it "does everything"). He played Runescape and other PC games at different times through the years. Educational games and software have been a large part of our schooling through the years.

 

I've never limited screen time, except in the sense that when we had something else to do, he had to stop playing games. But I was always respectful and gave him time to finish a battle or get to a spot to save the game. He tends to binge a bit with a new game, but overall he has learned to self-regulate just fine. Free time here is free time, as I'm not one for micromanagement. He's learned some great programming skills and aced AP computer science several years ago.

 

I guess I'm in the pro column as I've never treated video games any different from any other pasttime.

[Night Elf]

My kids self-regulate, but that may be due to the fact that they've always had access to computers and games. There have been times when I've had to call them away to do something else, but DH had to do the same thing for me. But my kids have never had trouble walking away. We own lots of different systems. DD plays Nintendo systems like 3DS, Gamecube, and Wii, and now Wii U. DS seems to play more on his PS3 and computer.

 

I understand when families want to use restrictions. It's very easy to get lost in a game. I just see a different value in gaming than some families do. I honestly don't see it as a waste of time anymore than playing with Lego bricks or a board game. My kids have been known to spend hours on those things as well.

 

DH and I play games with the kids sometimes too, so we're interacting with them as well.

[Aspasia]

*There are lots of ways to "reset" without video games: playing outside, going on a walk, reading a book, practicing an instrument.

 

*I am raising my children with lots of love and respect, reasonable boundaries, and flexibility. None of that involves the use of any "bargaining tool". That's not how I want to interact with my children.

 

*Video games would not be my first choice for developing strategy and problem solving. I would be thinking chess, card games, math circles, formal logic, etc. There are lots of much better ways to stretch the mind than a video game.

 

That being said, if you enjoy video games, then there is nothing wrong with getting a system for your children. I wouldn't try to justify it as being beneficial or educational, though. It's a video gaming system. It's for recreation. If you enjoy it or your kids enjoy it, then get a system and enjoy it as a family. If you don't care for video games or you don't think it meshes with your lifestyle, then don't get one. It's not a moral choice that reflects on your parenting or character. As long as you go into it with an awareness of the potential for addiction, then you will probably be okay. We don't have one, because that's not how we care to spend our time. Others spend their time differently.

 

Why??? Why do people have to be like this? I didn't ask for your judgments about my parenting style. I asked for your opinions on video games. The self-righteousness in the bolded statement is nauseating. 

 

Look, I "bargain" with myself all the time (I'm going to get these dishes done and then I can read my book; I'm going to fold this laundry and get the baby down for her nap and then I can knit). There are things in life that I want to do more than I want to do some of the things that I *have* to do. Maybe dishes and laundry are your favorite things to do. And maybe your kids' favorite things to do are school work and making their beds. Great. But that's not the reality at my house.  And I don't consider it disrespectful to help my kids arrange their daily activities like I arrange mine (let's get our school work done and put laundry away and then we can play outside). That may involve some incentives. But sure, if you need to tell yourself (and apparently you also feel the need to tell the rest of us) that you are a more respectful, loving parent because you use different language to describe the way you do things, then by all means, use a simple question about video games to do that.

[Kalmia]

We have video games only because my husband played them prior to our becoming parents. I held my son off until he was five. My daughter started playing at three because her brother was playing. I personally have no interest in them whatsoever and would not have them in the house if it were not for dh (though I thought the Leap Pad was fine for little kids).

 

It depends on the kid what rules you have to make concerning play or if you can have video games in the house at all. Boys are more likely than girls to become obsessed with them. Some kids have more addictive personalities than others. However, many kids are excellent at self regulation. Some families are so busy with outside activities that there would never be enough time available for the games to become a problem. It all depends.

 

Be aware that some games are specifically crafted by their designers to trigger pleasure centers in the brain and these may cause more disobedience than other games as a result. Also many games have only a few "save points" that were certainly not designed with mothers in mind. If I want the thing turned off NOW, I do not want to hear a plaintive "but I have to get to a save point" whine. In my opinion, all children's games should be savable at any moment.

 

Video games do change the structure and biochemistry of the brain as well in both good and bad ways. This report looks particularly at violent video games, but I am sure you could Google information on nonviolent video games as well. http://patients.aan.com/resources/neurologynow/index.cfm?event=home.showArticle&id=ovid.com%3A%2Fbib%2Fovftdb%2F01222928-201410030-00017

 

My son has been known to sneak down to play video games in the night and as a result all screens have to be "locked up" after bedtime. Upon reaching the teen years, given the choice, he would do nothing else but play video games. Before the teen years he was happy to come up with a wider range of things to do. My daughter would never sneak downstairs to play them in the night though she is just as highly interested in the games. Honestly, I think it is more about the kid than the parenting. Each kid requires different handling depending on their innate personality and maturity.

 

You might think about just giving your dh a game system with grown up games that won't really interest your littles and hold off for a few more years.

[EmilyGF]

The top two reasons people failed out of my college were 1) alcohol 2) video games (not sure it is in that order!). 

 

Many people aren't obsessive about video games, but I'm not going to encourage my kids down that road. If they eventually take it, it'll be at an older age and on their own dime.

 

My husband plays board games with the kids almost every day after dinner. I play about half the time. 

 

(A friend gave up video games for lent. During that time he brought got a A+ in a "impossible" class, finished extensions he had had from his video game playing days, and got a girlfriend he later married - she was my roommate. Now he plays in moderation and works for Microsoft on the XBox.)

 

Emily

[Indian summer]

Wii is a gateway drug.

 

If you must, stick with computer games and only if and when your child begs.

[maize]

I think some kids are wired to self-regulate well, others are more inclined towards addictive tendencies. Maybe look to members of your own and your husband's families to see how common addictive type behaviors are? The trouble with most video games for those on the obsessive/addictive end of things is that video games are designed to keep a person playing, offering frequent rewards and incentives to keep going. Not all video games are the same though, I think there are some that are more easily played in short bursts of time without drawing a person on to keep playing; if you want to use the games as a reset activity, I would try to find ones that would work well in 5-15 minute increments.

 

Reset activities are important around here, for both kids and parents. We haven't used video games, but I do use videos, audiobooks, regular books, changing the activity. Learning that a need to reset is valid and there are many healthy ways to do that is good for everyone, and I do think video games can be a reasonable activity. Not my personal first choice because I have seen some serious video game addiction issues, but I think those are the exception not the rule. If you are going to use them as a reset activity though I think you cannot tightly regulate them in terms of times of use (i.e. only after all schoolwork is done); at least around here we need resets throughout the day! You could probably limit length of play time (i.e. not more than ten minutes at a time if before dinner or something).

 

If I were in your situation, with a husband who was pushing for this, I wouldn't be opposed to a trial. What I would want is a specific agreement about what types of games will be brought into the home, how and when they will be used, and, most important, a specified trial period after which the system is being sold/donated if problems of overuse, nagging, etc. arise. Put it in writing :) I'm sure your husband doesn't intend or want video games to become a problem for, rather than a benefit to, the family, but once you've spent money on something it can be hard to cut your losses if it proves to be more burden than blessing. I wouldn't make it a Christmas present (if that is what you are thinking) but maybe introduce it on a trial basis for the new year.

 

Good luck, parenting tests and challenges all of us, it is so much more complicated than it looks from the outside and decisions are so rarely cut-and-dried :p

[Myra]

My son loved Age of Mythology and other similar games when he was around ten years old......and I can honestly say that was the beginning of his love of the Classics.....fast forward to a junior in college majoring in..............Classics with hopes to become a Classics Professor!  

 

 

Myra

[Mergath]

Why??? Why do people have to be like this? I didn't ask for your judgments about my parenting style. I asked for your opinions on video games. The self-righteousness in the bolded statement is nauseating. 

 

Look, I "bargain" with myself all the time (I'm going to get these dishes done and then I can read my book; I'm going to fold this laundry and get the baby down for her nap and then I can knit). There are things in life that I want to do more than I want to do some of the things that I *have* to do. Maybe dishes and laundry are your favorite things to do. And maybe your kids' favorite things to do are school work and making their beds. Great. But that's not the reality at my house.  And I don't consider it disrespectful to help my kids arrange their daily activities like I arrange mine (let's get our school work done and put laundry away and then we can play outside). That may involve some incentives. But sure, if you need to tell yourself (and apparently you also feel the need to tell the rest of us) that you are a more respectful, loving parent because you use different language to describe the way you do things, then by all means, use a simple question about video games to do that.

 

Didn't you know?  Not only are we supposed to raise perfect children, but now we're supposed to do so without ever having to actually tell them to do anything, ever.  Or we're cruel authoritarian dictators.  Our children will just magically know what we need them to do via osmosis.  Or from watching us be perfect role models all the time.  I'm not clear on how that works, exactly.

 

Also, if your children would choose video games over math circles, obviously you have failed as a human being.

 

:lol:

 

(Psst... I've definitely failed.)

[Doodlebug]

We do video games...

 

DS needs goals. It's really nice on video game days to say, "If your work is finished, games can start at 5:30."

 

DH has also been insistent that when we say it's time to turn off the system, it needs to be done without drama. If we get drama, we know video games are becoming a little too important -- time for other activities for a bit. We've been doing this since DS was 6, and I really think it has helped him internalize that he can go days without video games and be ok... His life doesn't end when a screen goes off -- we do other fun things. I really do think this lesson has transferred to other situations where we have to end something fun... DS may be bummed, but he isn't moaning and groaning... He seems to have a general acceptance that activities end, and we move on.

 

Video games have also facilitated growing a friendship with a boy next door. He does really cool stuff in Minecraft, and DS runs to invite him over for video game time many evenings. Neighbor boys mom says she's never seen her son finish his homework so quickly so that he can be available. Minecraft has also given DS a general peer connection with kids his age, and social situations with peers are difficult for him. It's definitely expanded his little circle.

 

The cons... On the Saturday DS happens to get more screen time than normal (TV/games), I see a huge shift in his behavior. He's surly and discontent. If you have the flu, it might be worth it. But Generally speaking, a limit to 45 minutes at most works best here.

 

I don't really see the slippery slope thing -- but I know family dynamics, gaming spouses, etc can make it harder to set boundaries. Here, video games just aren't that critically important to DH or I, so there's no hesitancy to pull back when we see undesirable screen specific behaviors ramping up.

 

Hth!

[Aspasia]

I think some kids are wired to self-regulate well, others are more inclined towards addictive tendencies. Maybe look to members of your own and your husband's families to see how common addictive type behaviors are? The trouble with most video games for those on the obsessive/addictive end of things is that video games are designed to keep a person playing, offering frequent rewards and incentives to keep going. Not all video games are the same though, I think there are some that are more easily played in short bursts of time without drawing a person on to keep playing; if you want to use the games as a reset activity, I would try to find ones that would work well in 5-15 minute increments.

 

Reset activities are important around here, for both kids and parents. We haven't used video games, but I do use videos, audiobooks, regular books, changing the activity. Learning that a need to reset is valid and there are many healthy ways to do that is good for everyone, and I do think video games can be a reasonable activity. Not my personal first choice because I have seen some serious video game addiction issues, but I think those are the exception not the rule. If you are going to use them as a reset activity though I think you cannot tightly regulate them in terms of times of use (i.e. only after all schoolwork is done); at least around here we need resets throughout the day! You could probably limit length of play time (i.e. not more than ten minutes at a time if before dinner or something).

 

If I were in your situation, with a husband who was pushing for this, I wouldn't be opposed to a trial. What I would want is a specific agreement about what types of games will be brought into the home, how and when they will be used, and, most important, a specified trial period after which the system is being sold/donated if problems of overuse, nagging, etc. arise. Put it in writing :) I'm sure your husband doesn't intend or want video games to become a problem for, rather than a benefit to, the family, but once you've spent money on something it can be hard to cut your losses if it proves to be more burden than blessing. I wouldn't make it a Christmas present (if that is what you are thinking) but maybe introduce it on a trial basis for the new year.

 

Good luck, parenting tests and challenges all of us, it is so much more complicated than it looks from the outside and decisions are so rarely cut-and-dried :p

This is good advice. :)

 

I say dh really wants a console, but the reality is that he hasn't played video games since high school. He isn't a gamer at all. And he is so insanely busy that he would only be able to play occasionally, and only on weekends. I think he just thinks the idea of it sounds fun, and he does have good memories of playing games with his friends and his brothers. We have definitely already talked about not allowing violent games. I won't lie, I really like those dancing games and when I think about doing that stuff with my kids, it sounds like a blast! There, that's my confession. I'm a dance-a-holic.

 

I have one child with a very addictive personality, but it's my dd7. DS is actually not like that at all. Not sure about my younger girls, because they're still so little. But yeah, dd7 is my tv addict. It is very limited in our house (like, it only gets turned on a couple times a week), but she would totally watch it all day, every day. 

[Slache]

I used to play Metal Gear Solid and Grand Theft Auto as a pre-teen/teen. I'm opposed to video gamed because there are terrible things in them that you're not going to pick up on and what goes into a child plays a huge roll into what comes out of a child. I also want less. Less to police over, less stuff, less to fight about. If I were to allow video games it would be on a Nintendo console. They have the best.

[kewb]

I detest video games. Would outright ban them from my house if I could. Dh is a gamer.

My oldest has an addictive personality and finds it extremely difficult to self regulate.  I had strict limits on screen time when they were younger.  Now I let them have control over it as long as school work/chores are complete.

We have a Wii.  I made the kids save their money for it since they wanted it.  They were probably 9 & 11 when we purchased it. They are now 14 & 16.  It hardly gets used.  They spend all their time playing games on their phones/laptops.  Plus, the wii is not cool. An xbox would be cool.  Told them they could buy whatever gaming system they want when they are living on their own.

 

 

[Critterfixer]

I don't have them at home. We wouldn't have time for them. I do believe we have a few games on the computer should we ever decide to play a few. The video games live at Nana's house.  :001_smile:  And that's a good place for them to be.

[Clear Creek]

The majority of the marital counseling my husband has done in almost nine years as a pastor has involved excessive video game playing as one of the major factors causing marital discord. The young men are addicted to the games and resent their wives and kids for wanting some of their time. Their addictive behavior is very similar to my grandpa's was - he was a functional alcoholic. He got up and went to work every morning, then came home in the afternoon and drank until he passed out on the living room floor. These young men go to work in the morning, but as soon as they get home they expect to be able to get on their video game system and play until late in the night...every single day.

 

We don't have a ban on video games, but we teach our kids moderation by allowing them to play them at other people's homes. So they get video games (if they want them) in small, irregular doses.

[Joker]

We have a Wii and an Xbox but we don't have problems regulating ourselves here. Dh and I had a Playstation before we even had children and we really enjoy playing some games together. He also has games I have no interest in and will play those but he's never had a problem playing too long or neglecting things/people due to a video game. Now, we have dds and they enjoy playing as well and we've really never had any issues. They don't ask to play them every day, or even every week. We have phases when we play a lot (like over summer) and phases when we rarely play at all.

[Catwoman]

The majority of the marital counseling my husband has done in almost nine years as a pastor has involved excessive video game playing as one of the major factors causing marital discord. The young men are addicted to the games and resent their wives and kids for wanting some of their time. Their addictive behavior is very similar to my grandpa's was - he was a functional alcoholic. He got up and went to work every morning, then came home in the afternoon and drank until he passed out on the living room floor. These young men go to work in the morning, but as soon as they get home they expect to be able to get on their video game system and play until late in the night...every single day.

 

We don't have a ban on video games, but we teach our kids moderation by allowing them to play them at other people's homes. So they get video games (if they want them) in small, irregular doses.

I hardly think that would describe the vast majority of people who play video games.

 

I understand that it can become addictive to certain people, but I wouldn't agree that it is something that happens to most gamers.

[Catwoman]

I don't know why you would want to be talked into, or out of games :)

 

If the interest isn't coming from your children - easy. Don't get them. Nobody has died without video games.

 

Only my ds is interested in gaming - mostly PC - and I support his interests, and find value in his play - if he wasn't interested, I wouldn't be pushing.

 

It is entirely possible to game and have boundaries that work for a child and his family.

 

Gaming does seem to help boys in particular settle into peer groups - even gifted boys, musical boys, otherwise all round gorgeous and wonderful boys. It's not just an ice breaker for geek boys.

 

But, kids can live without the dominant cultural ice breakers as well!

 

I see this as a fairly neutral topic, one that relies only on a child's interest or non-interest.

:iagree:

 

I wouldn't even bother to introduce gaming to children unless they expressed a strong interest in it. There is plenty of time for it when they get older -- assuming they ever develop an interest.

 

And I say this as a mom whose ds loves video games and computer games. :)

[IfIOnly]

I think it depends on the kids personality.  I have 2 that are great at obeying limits and one that is a total addict and whines and begs for it every day.

 

I was dead set against video games...till I had a boy that did not play with toys and I was just lost what to buy him so I caved to a WII. It's pretty sad really but thank goodness a new Skylanders game comes out every year near his birthday or I wouldn't know what to get him.

 

Our limits are after 5pm only.(which is usually when I am making dinner so its handy lol) and by then they've done school and had tons of other play time. On weekends they can play a few hours on Saturday but we usually go out so they often don't.  No Wii on Sunday..that is church day.

 

If they fight..it goes off

 

If they don"t share..it goes off

 

When I call them for dinner it goes off immediately or they don't get it the next day.

 

I don't usually use it as a bargaining tool. The kids are free to play it so long as they obey me if I tell them it needs to be turned off.

 

Mostly they are excellent at following the rules but my 5yo is addicted to screens and will whine and beg for it a lot. He has always been my "pusher of boundaries" though and is the only one who has actually been banned from it for not obeying. I figure he will work it out as he gets older and I follow through on limits.

 

They all know if it starts to take over their life it leaves and doesn't come back.

 

The kids are getting an X-box for Christmas....mainly because they have been so good about following the rules with the Wii. If they weren't then the Wii would be the only video game they ever got.

 

:iagree:  :iagree:  :iagree:

 

We only do PC games, but I approach video games very much the same way. I actually had to help them problem solve sharing, so they now have several strategies depending on the type of game. They also don't get video games on dad's days off, unless he's playing with them or we want a distraction for them. :closedeyes:

[Maplecat]

We are a gaming family. My husband and I both enjoy playing games as do our sons. Screen-time is limited and only occurs after lessons are done. Games are carefully selected and previewed by my husband and on-line contact is practically nil. I much prefer my boys playing games to zoning out in front of the TV. Problem-solving, cooperative play, and aerobic activity (my big guy bounces the entire time he plays) are the perks of gaming over TV in our home.

[weddell]

We've had a Wii for years (certainly before the children were old enough to play on it--it was for us parents). DH and I were never gamers, but enjoyed a zelda game or two. We have a few kid games, lego batman, lego star wars, mario party, skylanders. I don't restrict their time much unless DS6 has been playing for a long stretch, then I tell him to stop. DD9 self regulates well and has never had a problem, and honestly DS6 regulates decently too. He plays a lot when we get a new game, but the novelty wears off in a few days. Most weeks they don't play all.

 

Now DS6 has some friends that don't have video games at home and who come to our house and BEG to play. I always so no unless I have talked with their parents about it and then I still insist that they play with toys or outside first. In my experience it's the ones who don't have access to video games at home who go NUTS and beg, ask over and over again, even throw tantrums over video games while at our house. While since DS6 knows he can play anytime, he has a take it or leave it attitude. I don't know if these kids have addictive personalities otherwise or how they would be with a video game system at their own home, but for some of them it definitely has a "forbidden fruit" allure. I read an article once about restricting tv shows that basically said if you let them binge for a while, it loses it's appeal within a couple weeks. I think for a lot of kids, that can be true with video games as well.

[Catwoman]

This reminds me of something I forgot to mention.

 

With ds, limits are both time and content based. He has generous time limits. He has much less generous content limits.

 

I think the conversation often gets stuck on 'time' and forgets 'content'.

 

Same here.

 

Ds is 14 now, so I have loosened up my restrictions quite a bit, but I still read the parent reviews for every game that comes into this house and some games are definitely still off-limits! 

 

When he was younger, I was not strict about how much time he spent playing, but like Sadie, I was strict about the content.

 

[StephanieZ]

Don't do it.

 

We waited for the Wii until our kids were about 13, 10, 6. 

 

I should have never done it! Ugh, what a time suck! (Now we have x-box, too, as we got handed down one from my brother . . . how could I say no?)

 

I thought it'd be a good motivator/reward for my middle child, my son who looooves video games. True, it works for that, but what a distraction!

 

I definitely wouldn't do it as young as your kids are. Wait a good while, as long as possible. When the kids (especially boys) are closer to 12, then having games in the home is really a big social positive, so I can't really say that I'd never have done it . . .

 

but, I'd wait as long as you can. Wait!!

[VeteranMom]

I have not had any problems by having an xbox or a wii.  My kids are very active and they really only play a little here and there on weekends.  We don't allow the electronics during the school week.  I've had way more problems with computer online games and the kindles- much more difficult for me to monitor those devices.  

 

[KrissiK]

That's a tough one. I don't really like video games and I see no redeeming value in them. However, they are around and I decided to succumb and not fight it. We have limits at our house, for sure. We don't have a Wii or X-Box, though. They play on-line, but only approved games. It's hard to regulate because we don't really have the time or the savvy to thoroughly inspect the games. We do watch for a while and then make our decision as to whether it's acceptable. The computers are in common areas, though, and the other kids are great tattlers, so if someone is playing something inappropriate we will know about it. I don't really like the way we do it, but it seems to work for now.

[Clear Creek]

I hardly think that would describe the vast majority of people who play video games.

 

I understand that it can become addictive to certain people, but I wouldn't agree that it is something that happens to most gamers.

 

I didn't claim that it describes the vast majority or most gamers. The OP asked for reasons for or against, and I provided her with a reason against. Because it does happen to some. I have no idea if there is a known percentage of gamers that become heavily addicted, or what factors contribute to it; but it is inarguable that a percentage does become heavily addicted. That addiction can (not a guaranteed will) cause problems in the future, which may be something the OP wants to take into consideration.

 

ETA: a high number of families in our church have video game systems and it does not cause a problem in the household. When it does cause a problem, though, it is a major issue. My husband noticed that it was a common theme among the majority of couples that requested marital counseling.

[Joanne]

I began parenting with some very opinionated ideas: No fake (or real, for that matter) weapons, no war/gun play, no screens.

 

My kids are now going on 20 (when the hell did THAT happen?), 18 next week and nearly 16 (time to lose the baby weight, I think.)

 

Video games were less popular in their earlier years than they will be in yours. I let my kids play on some online sites. I remember a "kids play safe" site, Neopets, Webkinz. They enjoyed some building civilization games. Played a role playing game for a few years. Around 12 for my oldest, I got an X Box and allowed access to some "mature" games.

 

I don't regret any of it. That said, I did not see screen addiction in any of mine (but did see some when I had a daycare.) I don't have limits now, and haven't for quite some time, but I did have some early limits that I feel were reasonable.

 

They included all school work and chores had to be done. No playing when there was a crowd to play with (not siblings, other kids), and if the weather was ok, you had to play outside daily. Also, when I said "off" or "done", you need to finish your game quickly and without resistance.

 

At the ages of the OP, I would restrict because I believe in the research that supports the younger the child, the more brain impact - literally impacting the development of the brain. The risk of developing screen addiction is greater, too.

 

I used to value my kids being "different" and shunning pop cultural trappings. I realized that was MY wish, and that I can't expect or demand my children adopt my values at the cost of their social development. I think that being at least casually knowledgeable about video games is of value for youth in 2014. I think it is important to acknowledge that many kids who have severe restrictions tend to over-indulge and often hide it from parents. I don't, however, look for "the good" in them any more than I look for "the good" in legos, capture the flag, dolls, or puzzles.

 

 

[Tsuga]

If I could do it over they would have never come in my home

 

I have never met any adult in my entire life who says they're really glad that they had access to video games as a child.

 

I have never met any adult who spent more time on video games, than on doing things outdoors and creating art, who had better fine motor skills than individuals who developed their hands through a variety of media (sculpting, playing violin, playing piano, using a keyboard, tinkering with electronics, gardening). Ever. Ever. In fact I find the idea that video games improve hand-eye coordination for anyone who is not disabled laughable. Sure, it improves hand-eye coordination compared to being in a cage!*

 

I have never met an adult who wishes they spent more time on video games as a child, and when I was a child yes it was common to have a video game console in your home--we were one of the few families without one.

 

I have never met an adult who feels that video games taught them an important life lesson, whereas most of the adults I know can point to experiences with the community or in literature, through which they learned ethics and life lessons that helped them through life.

 

I have seen social gaming and it's cute. I have never seen gaming which promoted healthier social relationships than when people were forced to interact and solve more real, complex, enduring problems than video games present.

 

I know adults who are addicted to video games, and I know adults who occasionally play. Never, ever, have I heard them speak of the things that video games do for them. They talk about video games like someone talks about alcohol, or refined sugar--"It's a guilty pleasure." "Everyone has to relax once in awhile."

 

 

MapleCat:

 

Problem-solving, cooperative play, and aerobic activity (my big guy bounces the entire time he plays) are the perks of gaming over TV in our home.

 

Note the comparison to television (no offense to you personally, MapleCat). That's setting the bar pretty low in my opinion. Not compared to swimming, to family walks to the park, not to learning a dance (on YouTube--we are not Luddites), not to learning a musical instrument, not to building a set of hurdles for the summer, not to doing a puzzle or playing chess, not to reading a book together, not to creating 3-D art or typing a story while sitting on a yoga ball.

 

The improvement is over television, and I can totally get behind that. I do think video games are superior to TV (assuming the themes are equally inoffensive).

 

What I do not agree with, however, is that watching TV is the baseline from which we should be starting. There are so many other things in life!

 

I agree that life doesn't have to be all dull, but I don't see any point wiring my child's brain to a virtual reality because she has been told by Microsoft Corp. that the best way to relax is through an Xbox. I get it, it's fun. Drinking is fun (and I do drink). Neither drinking nor video games has to ruin your life, but either of them can.

 

I have compromised a lot as a parent but I have my limits and this is one of them. It helps that as a member of GenX I am a third-generation video-game potential consumer. My mom, 60, actually won a video game championship as a teen, LOL! She was the local Pong champion. This is where "addiction runs in my family" comes in. She didn't let us have a console. She stuck to her guns and I'm grateful. It makes it way easier to do the same for my own children.

 

I don't demand that my kids are isolated from the world. I'm just not going to fund an addictive habit, end of story. When you can buy your own cable TV, beer, hash, video games, and it's legal, go for it. That's your prerogative. I won't pay for it.

 

 

I think that being at least casually knowledgeable about video games is of value for youth in 2014.

 

Yeah, just like it was in 1982, 1992, 2002... Video games are not new. Ask people who had video games as children if they remember and value that time. If they feel that the social currency they gained by knowing how to use an Atari really led to lifelong friendships. I mean knowing about how to put on lipstick or what the right stores were at the mall was of value from 1950-2014 and as far as I can tell it's not my job as a parent to drive my kid to the mall so she can say she went there. (Right?)

 

My kids are growing up in a world very similar to the one in which I grew up. I don't see a need to change the rules now.

 

 

Some people I know say that video games are a good way for their kids to "reset" during the day--just kind of exit and start over.

 

Yep. So are books.

 

 

 

***************************************************************

Real, randomized or at least peer-reviewed studies:

 

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3772618/

 

Most of the significant effects were found to be between people who played video games before the study (i.e. preference for such games) and those who did not (no preference or no access). Since a great deal of video game access depends on class, sex (who gives you what presents), and income, I don't even want to go there. I realize the scientists are doing their best but in terms of generalizing the outcomes, nope, not convincing.

 

The vast majority of effects of short-term exposure had to do with performing a very similar task in a similar environment: e.g. if you can click for x or drag y in one context, or practice doing so, you can probably do it in a very similar environment. In other words, practice makes perfect, but only at that skill. Being a great violinist will help you with piano, but will it help you with math?

 

As an example, exercise, even a brisk walk, has been shown to improve performance in other areas that would seem unrelated to light exercise.

 

Also, for those who think this is somehow unique to 2014, I present you with the history of video games:

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Timeline_of_arcade_video_game_history#Pre-golden_age_.281971-1977.29

[Joanne]

 

Yeah, just like it was in 1982, 1992, 2002... Video games are not new. Ask people who had video games as children if they remember and value that time. If they feel that the social currency they gained by knowing how to use an Atari really led to lifelong friendships. I mean knowing about how to put on lipstick or what the right stores were at the mall was of value from 1950-2014 and as far as I can tell it's not my job as a parent to drive my kid to the mall so she can say she went there. (Right?)

 

 

 

You took ONE part of my reasonable approach to highlight and respond to. I am not pro-gaming but I am also not anti.

 

I don't find extremes on this issue helpful functionally or practically.

 

Your comparisons are not applicable to my point and the function of video games in social context and currency.

[Calm37]

OP, since it is your husband that wants the video game, I would say, for now, to get it and just let the kids start out playing only with Dad. We did that for awhile, "back in the day," and it worked great.