Talk to me gently (teenage dd)

[Amethyst]

Ok, so I know that I shouldn't get into disagreements with my dd14 over things that are so superficial. She's not hurting anyone, she's a super-nice girl, friendly, intelligent, and fun.  But I can't stand her makeup! She started going to public school last year. This year (8th grade) she started playing around with makeup. Ok, "playing around" is not exactly right. Obsessing over it is probably closer to reality. She watches Youtube videos on how to do makeup. It's been driving me nuts that her eyeliner is too thick. Yuck. I hate the look. It's not goth thick, but just noticeable which I don't think it should be. I've tried all year to get her to improve, but it's so hard when she's heading out the door at 7AM to make her re-do it. Lately, she's been adding "wings" to the end of the eyeliner. Double yuck. Husband and I have both told her it doesn't look good. She doesn't care what we think. When our older dd was starting with makeup, any advice we gave her she took very seriously and kept trying to make her eyeliner thinner and thinner until now she can do a beautiful job.

 

But dd14's latest thing is eyebrows! She is fair-skinned, strawberry blonde and she has started putting brownish powder on her eyebrows to make them darker and thicker looking (cuz masculine looking eyebrows are in, don't ya know). They look terrible. I've told her, dh has told her, brothers and sister have told her. She doesn't care what we think (cuz after all, Mom is not the most fashionable or glamorous person in the world.)

 

Her makeup is not making her look better, it is making a beautiful girl (really, she truly is) look worse. I'm not a no-makeup person, I'm not a "modesty" kind of homeschooler. This is not a Christianity issue, so please don't speak to me of those things. This just a plain old parenting issue of how to either make her see the wisdom of my superior ways, or how do I learn to let this go. Please give me advice on how to handle this. 

[AmandaVT]

Hmm, I don't have a teenage girl, but I remember being one and there's no way I would have taken my poor mom's make up advice at 14. :-) I was a teen in the late 80's, early 90's, so I have lots of horrid pictures of myself from back then! She did used to take me on girls days to the salon and I would have my hair, makeup and nails professionally done. Maybe you and your DD could do that? Does she get fashion magazines? (do kids still read magazines?) If you feel brave, you and she could do each other's makeup. Or, you could invite a few of her friends over for a makeover party? Then, without saying anything and just making it fun, she might pick up some more refined make up tips. Or one of her friends would tell her that her makeup looked not so great. Teenage girls are usually pretty ruthless about that kind of thing. 

[fairfarmhand]

My dd just started makeup too about 5 months ago. She;s also sorta obsessed, putting on a full face of makeup for minor things like running to the grocery.

 

I think its silly.

 

I think its a waste of time.

 

I ignore it.

 

When she first got a flat iron, she did the same thing. That was about 2 years ago. About 8 months ago, she got tired of wasting so much time on hair and figured out ways to simplify her routine. 

 

I think the makeup will probably run the same sort of course.

 

Eventually, your dd will probably figure out how silly this is.

 

If your dd is like mine, the more I mention it, the more she digs in.

 

 

Alternately, you and all your female offspring might want to copy her makeup for a few days and see what she thinks.

[Mrs Mungo]

I would let it go any time she is going to school or hanging out with her friends. That way, if you request a toned down look for a competition or extended family functions or church or whatever, then you seem more reasonable. Insisting on your way all of the time with a teen who is finding her own style and way in the world is not reasonable.

 

I sympathize. I am not much of a makeup girl, but my eldest definitely is.

[umsami]

Could you take her to Sephora or MAC and let one of the experts do her makeup, and then perhaps offer to buy some products? (Set a limit.)

 

I remember being obsessed with makeup too…and this was long before youtube.  It's normal.  I'm sure I looked ridiculous.  She'll figure it out. :)

[Kim in Appalachia]

You need to learn to let it go.  Your dd is trying to "find herself". She is not her sister, she is not you. She is her own person with her own likes and dislikes.  Appearance is very personal.  When you criticize her make-up, you are criticizing her.  I know you are trying to help.  It's only natural that you want her to look her best, but for now she has to learn that for herself.  The more you attack her the more defensive she will become, and it will spill over to other areas of your relationship with her.  

 

I hope I don't come off as harsh.  I get what you are saying and what your concerns are, but you do need to let this go.  You need to let it go both for your relationship with your dd, and for your dd.  She needs to figure out this little kind of stuff on her own.  

[marbel]

My 15-year-old has been messing around with makeup for a while now.  There have been times that I didn't like the way she looked.  But the only time I said anything is when she was getting ready for church.  She knows the standards for church as far as clothes and makeup and while she would try to push the envelope once in a while, she would always back down when challenged.

 

She is doing a really nice job with her makeup now.  Well, sometimes it's a little more than I like, but compared to so many that I see... it's much better.  I think it is just one of those things (most) girls do. I used to love makeup but I don't wear any now.   But I remember sneaking  makeup to put on at school because my mother had set 18 as the age I could wear makeup.  LOL. I think she changed her tune before that age, but I didn't wait anyway. 

[happi duck]

The things you describe are trendy.

Makeup can be an outlet for artistic expression. Perhaps looking at it that way can help you accept your dd's choices.

[Kevin'sMom]

I have raised four daughters, all of whom tried weird makeup styles while learning to do their makeup. They are all professionals, and they have beautiful (and super expensive) makeup. They look great. I didn't make this an issue when they were teens, I just tried not to gag. It's just makeup after all. And some day she will thank you and send you a Sephora gift certificate.

[kewb]

Let it go.  She is figuring out who she wants to be.  The more you tell her it does not look good the more she will do it.  Ignore it.

[Paige]

The more she practices the better she'll get. It's not much different than a 4yr old who likes to pick out her own clothes. I would set limits if it bothers you, but try to be generous on the terms. You could limit how much makeup she could wear or where she wears it, or both. My mom was very hands off with me, but some mothers will allow everything but eyeliner, or no makeup for church or family outings, or something like that. 

[Kathryn]

My daughter is only 13 days old, so take this for what it's worth. I'd take her out for one of those makeovers at the makeup counter and ask the person to show her tips. Beyond that, I'd try to let it go. There is no way I would have taken makeup advice from my mother as a teen.

[Catwoman]

Take her to whichever store she and her friends think is the ultimate in cool makeup and get her a makeover.

 

If she looks older than she is, be sure to casually mention her age in conversation in front of the makeup artist, so he or she will know not to do anything too extreme, it don't come right out and ask the person to use a light hand because your dd is young, or you will defeat the entire purpose of the makeover, which is to help your dd learn what looks good on her.

 

And if your dd likes the end result of the makeover, say you do, too -- even if it's not to your own personal taste.

[Caroline]

Take her to whichever store she and her friends think is the ultimate in cool makeup and get her a makeover.

 

If she looks older than she is, be sure to casually mention her age in conversation in front of the makeup artist, so he or she will know not to do anything too extreme.

 

And if your dd likes the end result of the makeover, say you do, too -- even if it's not to your own personal taste.

 

This is what my mom did, and my sisters did with my nieces. (My DD is just 9, so no makeup, yet.) It worked really well. My mom also paid for good quality makeup for us. I think that makes a difference.

[Moxie]

She sounds very trendy.  I'd let it go.  Youth is a time to experiment and have fun!

[LibraryLover]

 a bit of a double post. ;)

 

[Joker]

Let it go. You, your dh, and her siblings are probably making this a bigger deal than it had to be by commenting on how bad she looks. She might be now trying to see how far she can push it and how outrageous she can really look. Quit saying anything unless she asks for your opinion (and have everyone else in the family do the same) and maybe it will work out on its own before too long.

 

I took my 14 yr dd to a Clinique counter for a make up tips and to buy her first makeup when she was 13. She's not that into it though and only wears makeup for special things. I was into it at her age and I would not have taken it well to hear my family criticize my attempts and would have probably taken it to an extreme.

[PrairieSong]

Hi Amethyst, we have four daughters and the youngest is eighteen, so I've seen a lot of experimenting with makeup and hair. None of my daughters did anything super drastic like a goth look, multiple face piercings, etc., but they've done the thick eyeliner, various hair colors, and two of them pierced their noses...the tiny little studs that are on the side of the nose. Mostly it's a non issue for me. They eventually figure out their own style as they mature. I don't consider this to be a character issue, but just part of growing up. I prefer to save my battles for other things.

[Catwoman]

This is what my mom did, and my sisters did with my nieces. (My DD is just 9, so no makeup, yet.) It worked really well. My mom also paid for good quality makeup for us. I think that makes a difference.

That's an excellent point about spending the extra money for good quality makeup. It makes such a difference! Cheap makeup often doesn't blend well or come in natural-looking shades, and when it comes to things like foundation, blush, and bronzer, you really need to be able to try them on before you buy them, or you can end up with some major disasters. It's also important that even when trying on makeup in a department store or boutique, that you walk outside and see how it looks in natural light before you buy anything, because the lighting in the store is much different from "real" light.

[gingersmom]

When I was 13 a friend and I rode the bus into town, went to a target kinda store and came out with eyelids of frosted blue eyeshadow. We thought we looked beautiful.

 

My mother went berserk and made me take it off immediately. I think my feelings are still hurt 30 years later :)

 

I am a huge believer in letting kids express themselves (thus my daughter going out to local diner in her dance recital costume, etc).

 

My daughter is anti-makeup and only wears when she is dressing up for special occasion.

 

It's only makeup. Pick your battles.

[KrissiK]

I'd let it go. We all need to find our own "style", even when it doesn't please others. I prefer my hair longish and the other day my mom said, "you should go with a shorter style. Long hair makes you look tired." I totally bristled. (Of course, I did get it cut shorter, because for all my 46 years, I still crave my mother's approval, I know.... I know....) But anyhow, back to the topic... experimenting with makeup is fun, it makes a girl feel grown up and I'd say, as long as she is sweet, respectful and responsible... Those are the biggies with teens. Don't sweat the small stuff.

[Amethyst]

 

 

Alternately, you and all your female offspring might want to copy her makeup for a few days and see what she thinks.

Oh Oh Oh! I love this idea! :)

[LibraryLover]

When I was 13 a friend and I rode the bus into town, went to a target kinda store and came out with eyelids of frosted blue eyeshadow. We thought we looked beautiful.

 

My mother went berserk and made me take it off immediately. I think my feelings are still hurt 30 years later :)

 

I am a huge believer in letting kids express themselves (thus my daughter going out to local diner in her dance recital costume, etc).

 

My daughter is anti-makeup and only wears when she is dressing up for special occasion.

 

It's only makeup. Pick your battles.

 

That's where I am at with one. Offering a Sephora trip stung. Dd is over it, but I'm not. lol What was I thinking?? doh

[Amethyst]

I love the makeover at a store idea. I've been talking to dh about doing that and I haven't gotten around to it. We should do that soon. Thanks!

[sassenach]

Gently, as the mom of a 17yo dd who is also into hair and makeup, you need to learn to let this go.  She needs to make her own choices when it comes to her appearance.  If you exhaust her with your opinion in this area, she will not let you into the areas where I know you'll really want to be heard.

 

My dd can swing from super made up, to looking practically homeless in nasty sweats.  I really don't get her sometimes.  I have a very hard time biting my tongue about the sweats.  Sometimes I don't, but just as you've discovered, complaining doesn't really get me far.  Modesty (I'll spare you our household definition, but it's not crazy) is a thing in my house, and it's pretty much the only time I truly put my foot down. DH couldn't stand her pixie cut, but he kept his mouth shut.  I hate, hate, hate the way she looks in high waisted shorts, but my lips are sealed.

 

Spend your currency where it really counts.  You have a lot of teenage years ahead of you, and believe me, you'll want to be heard.

[Joker]

Oh Oh Oh! I love this idea! :)

 

It would backfire big time here as my 14 year old dd would view it as us making fun of her. It would hurt her. So, if you feel yours is at all sensitive, especially in regards to her makeup, I wouldn't do it.

[Moxie]

Really, I try very very hard to only say positive things about my daughter's appearance. The world is giving her plenty of negative feedback, Mom needs to be the soft place to land.

[Moxie]

Oh Oh Oh! I love this idea! :)

I hope you aren't seriously going to do this. How is it not making fun of her??

[KidsHappen]

5 teenage dds under my belt and my advise is to let it go. This is not a hill to die on. When my girls were learning I would point out things that I felt might not look the best in terms of, "I think that foundation is a little too dark for your skin", or "That eyeliner seems a little heavy to me", just in case they weren't aware. If that was the case then I would help them make a better choice but if they answered with something to the effect of they liked it that way then I would drop it. I never told them that they didn't look good. All of them got better with time.

[Elisabet1]

Have you looked at the girls in public school? Thick eye liner is how they do it now.

 

But, on that note, if you do not like it, just tell her no. If she still is wearing it, no going out the door while it is on.

[fairfarmhand]

Oh Oh Oh! I love this idea! :)

 

umm...honestly, that was a little tongue in cheek.  Sorry.  I do think that might hurt her feelings.

[Rebel Yell]

Ummmm  I'm 45 and I think he rmake-up sounds cute. But then I still wear heavy back winged eyeliner. (but rarely other make-up- dang sensitive skin!)

 

Each of my girls has her own style for make-up. It suits them.

 

The only thing I *might* insist on would be muted make-up for a family portrait. Same style, just muted. But that's more to make the photo look good, not them.

[umsami]

Really, I try very very hard to only say positive things about my daughter's appearance. The world is giving her plenty of negative feedback, Mom needs to be the soft place to land.

 

A million times yes.   :iagree:  :hurray:

[Danestress]

I wonder if the conflict is that you want her to look 'pretty' and she wants a different look - cool, sexy, avant garde - whatever. So you are telling her it doesn't look 'good' and she is ignoring you because she knows that by 'good' you mean makeup that looks pretty, blends in, looks discreet but enhancing etc. And that just isn't the statement she wants to make.

[Butter]

And nearly all the other girls are probably doing their make-up the same way.  They certainly are at my daughter's school!

 

Pretty much, is this a hill you want to die on?  Is it really, in the grand scheme of things, that important?

 

For me, the answer to both of those is definitely not.  It may be different for you.

 

I remember when I was that age and I was all into make-up.  Over time I stopped wearing it.  I occasionally do now, but only a little bit.  I'm just not interested.  I've noticed my daughter has days where she barely wears any already (and other days where it's caked on!).

[athomeontheprairie]

My Mom never wore make up, when I was that age she took me to Dillard's and the make up people there gave me lessons. She (my Mom) also had a friend who helped me. I would really take her advice, and had the same advice come from my Mom I wouldn't have (I think teens are fickle that way)

Also agreeing with a PP, focus on the positives :-)

[AK_Mom4]

Yeah... Let it go. Make up styles change over time. I put my foot down however over sharing make up with her friends. I bought oldest Dd her own and she did very interesting things with it. Now she has refined her own style and loves great but it took years.

 

Dd13 has been wanting to play with make up but I told her to wait until big sis is home from college this summer and can help pick out stuff at the store since I'm make up challenged.

[Joyofsixreboot]

I have learned two teen girls in that what I think looks "better" or "good" is not what her peers consider attractive.  I no longer comment.  They no longer comment about my "plain" make up.  Bigger fish to fry, KWIM?

My mind harkens back to my Maybelline blue eye shadow  :lol:

[ThisIsTheDay]

I've been there, done that.  I considered my priorities and what was really going on with her.  Nothing was going on, it was fun and experimental, she wasn't hurting anyone, and she liked it. It made my kid happy, she had fun playing around. She wore it heavy and black, almost goth thick. She liked it.

 

We were going to a super conservative church where a few ignorant, legalistic people commented.  Some poor kid even dared to question my son about his sister. I really could not have cared less what they thought--they should have been concerned about their own kids instead of mine (and time played out that truth).

 

Let this go.  Focus on the majors, focus on your daughter's heart.

 

Really, is this a hill you want to die on?

 

[bzymom]

This was hard for me to watch with my dd, so I feel your pain.

 

One thing that helped a bit was taking her to Macys on a Saturday when they were having makeup artists from several companies do free specials, including the "classic eye". She didn't think of it as MY instruction, and I let her choose one of the products and bought it for her. She also received several cool freebies. She didn't always stick to it, but it cut back a lot on the heavy liner look.

[Mergath]

I remember going through that phase as a teen.  Only back then, it was black lipstick and goth clothes, lol.  For a lot of teen girls, playing with their physical appearance is as much about getting attention as it is looking good.  I definitely didn't look good when I went out with black lipstick, but it certainly got me plenty of attention, and that was enough for me to keep doing it.

 

It's also completely normal.  Just keep telling her that you think she looks beautiful with or without makeup, and it'll pass.

 

 

[sheryl]

I hear what you are saying.  My dd's friend wears eyeliner and "wings".  I attribute to girls not knowing "how" to apply make-up.  Some Mothers are not teaching their dd's for whatever reason. 

 

If it's important to you then you should go with that. 

 

For us, we don't allow dd to wear eyeliner at her age of 15 (she turned 15 this week).  She can wear a light coat of lipstick "sometimes" and a light coat of eyeshadow and mascara.  That's it for now. 

[J-rap]

I'd mostly let it go myself.... but, could your oldest daughter gently give advice? Otherwise, you could bring her to a makeup counter at a department store ' just for fun.' Once, I planned a makeup night at home, and we made up each other. ( my hope was to give her ideas! :-) ) Bottom line is that at some point she'll probably come back around closer to your own views on it all. That's what has happened with my girls.

eta... I actually kind of like the wings! :-)

[reign]

If this is something you need to stop and cannot let go. Then I would take all adjectives out of your talk. Stop telling her how bad she looks. If you really want her to stop putting her makeup on in a certain way then make it a rule.

 

You look weird with dark eyebrows - No

 

No powder allowed on eyebrows you'll have to wash it off- yes

 

Your eye make is horrible- no

 

Your eyeliner needs to be thinner. Go try again-yes

 

That lipstick is ugly-no

 

You need to use lighter lip sticks. Please pick a different one-yes

 

Being told your style is ugly can easily translate to you are ugly. If you can't get over her look then I think it is better to just make rules then to constantly pick on her about it.

[bolt.]

Is this black eye liner? If so, you could offer a top quality very dark brown -- and find a you tube video that substantiates that it might be a good choice with fair skin and strawberry blonde hair. Also, the top quality type might go on smoothly and dramatically without being thickly applied.

 

I second the idea of dividing outings into ones where she can do her own thing, and ones where it would be most courteous if she would wear her makeup in a mom-approved style... With your approval being easily attained: still her style, just not quite as over-the-top. (Don't make her alter the basics of her style itself.) Help her learn to identify occasions which are (a) conservative in nature, and (b) where people know her whole family not just her -- things like Church occasions, parents' meetings for teens activities, and family special-occasion dinners come to mind.

[HRAAB]

I have one dd who obsessed over make-up.  I never gave false compliments, but I didn't criticize her either.  When she toned it down, I would comment on how nice she looked.  Other than that I said nothing.  She is 22 now and still loves make-up.  Her make-up application has matured has she has.  She's a confident young woman, and I do believe not criticizing those earlier choices helped her become the woman she is today.  

 

That's not to say if it was something totally out of line I wouldn't say anything.  Make-up just isn't that big of a deal.

[Big Buckin' Longhorn]

Oh, man. I wear thick black liquid eyeliner with wings AND powdered in eyebrows! None of my friends even wear makeup. I don't care. I like drama in my look.

 

She may just be finding herself.

 

I went through a LOT with my mom over makeup. Now she and I both wish we'd done things differently, but really she was so very negative towards me and it really hurt. Sometimes it still hurts when I think about it.

 

Just leave her alone. She will mature and grow and learn. Try and work WITH her; don't fight against her on this. It'll protect your relationship in the long run.

[Amethyst]

I hope you aren't seriously going to do this. How is it not making fun of her??

No no no. It was a fun idea, folks, but I wouldn't do that to her.

[Katy]

Ask her to email you the top 5 favorite youtube makeup looks.  Maybe you'll come around to the current trends.

[Amber in SJ]

I am a mom with a 19 (almost 20)yo and a 16yo dd.  Both of them went through this phase.   It took forever to pass.  But pass it did and both of them now do a fantastic job of their make-up.  As a teen in the late 80's I used to warm my eyeliner with a lighter to get a nice thick line.  I am sure my parents were horrified.  I know I am when I look at the pictures :)  It passed for me as well.  This is not the hill to make a stand on.  This is about self-expression not about rebellion.  And yes "power brows" are in (thank you Lily Collins.)  I would try to find something to compliment about their appearance every day.  I would say if I liked that lip color on them, or their hairstyle or their nice smile, because I paid for that one.  Things that get complimented tend to show up more often than things that get ignored.

 

Amber in SJ