Marriage Poll

[Embassy]

Tomorrow is my anniversary. 13 years! Anyway, we had guests over the other night who are newlyweds and the wife mentioned something about their stage of marriage. My brother is going through a terrible divorce right now too. Add to all that the statistics for people staying married and I wondered why some people start at one end of the spectrum and move to another while others manage to stay in one place. Or is it much more complicated than that?

 

With that said....I have posted a poll. I tried to list of spectrum of ways to describe a marriage with going through a divorce at one end and Unbreakable team perfect for each other on the other end. How would you describe your marriage? Have you seen your marriage bounce or slide from one part of the spectrum to another? If you have improved your marriage please share what you have done.

[SweetMissMagnolia]

I guess like any marriage we've had our share of ups and downs....alot of stress when money was tight and when problems with dh's dad come up (we live with his dad because his dad can't be alone-disabled---that situation can be stressful in and of itself but we keep that separate than our relationship if that makes sense).....but we worked through the problems and now we're in a GREAT place in our marriage/lives...now not to say he still doesn't get on my nerves sometimes LOL but that's part of it all I think....We got married later in life than most people (30s) so it was hard at first after being single and independant for so long-even though I'd grown up "seeing" my sister's good marriage (she and her dh have been married 33yrs).....

[Meriwether]

I said lots of good times with a few difficulties. Dh is a great person and I think he would rate me the same way. The things we aren't good at though, impact our marriage. He IS inconsiderate. I DO hold it against him (and nag). Barring those two things, we have a good marriage. We are both working on our shortcomings. There are a couple of things going for us. We both meant till death do us part and neither one of us could stomach adultery.

[GWOB]

While I believe the only perfect marriage is the one between chocolate and peanut butter, dh and I have a super marriage. We love each other amd try to show each other tons of grace. Of course there are times I can't stand him, and I'm sure he often thinks I'm crazy, but we work through it. I think we realize we are both big flaming dorks and no one else would want to put up with us.

[cindergretta]

I'm not sure how to answer the poll. We are an unbreakable team, perfect for each other, who have been through some serious stuff and have big ups and downs. We struggle at times but always love each other, even when we don't like each other. ;) He isn't perfect, but he is perfect for *me.* We would rather be together fighting than apart getting along. Clear as mud? :tongue_smilie:

[MindyD]

Congratulations on 13 years! For us at least, we definitely bounce around the spectrum from amazing marital bliss to "I don't want to look at you right now!" and everywhere in between. We've been married for 10 and a half years. Some years have been much harder than others, but divorce just isn't an option, and being completely miserable isn't an option either. So we have to choose to make it work, to get along when maybe we don't want to, and overlook the little things for the greater goal. For us, we want to honor God in our marriage, and being miserable or divorced doesn't usually play into that imo. So yes, things get kind of bad every once in awhile, but we fight in the figurative sense to make things work. My dh an I are both selfish people, so it's not always easy, but it's worth it.

[UnsinkableKristen]

I voted that we are an unbreakable team, however, I wanted to clarify a little.

 

We've only been married almost 10 years and our kids are still small. I try to keep in mind that some people don't face their struggles until later on in life. So having such a strong marriage from our honeymoon until now is no excuse to not keep trying to make it better.

[sassenach]

I love him more every year. I need him more every year. We get better every year. BUT marriage is hard work. We are 2 imperfect beings, and we have had to walk through some d@mn hard stuff. Marriage is not for sissies.

[Crimson Wife]

We've been married 12 1/2 years. It has bounced around from "lots of good times with a few difficulties" to "lots of hard times, but some good one" depending on what other life stresses we're dealing with.

 

The first year of marriage was rough because we got married 2 weeks after I graduated college and it took some adjustments to being an adult & managing my own household.

 

The adjustment to parenthood was also a rocky in our marriage. DH needed some time to grow up & realize that the baby's needs had to come first. I could no longer just drop whatever I was doing to cater to every little whim he had. :lol:

 

The other rocky patches have been employment-related. When someone is stressed out about his job (or lack thereof) it is hard to keep that from spilling over into the relationship.

 

I voted for "marriage is hard work", but I would add that it's worth making the effort to keep committed to each other in bad times as well as good. :)

[GWOB]

I love him more every year. I need him more every year. We get better every year. BUT marriage is hard work. We are 2 imperfect beings, and we have had to walk through some d@mn hard stuff. Marriage is not for sissies.

 

Amen sista! My cousin was with this man for about 6 years. They were living together most of that time. After a loooonnnngggg engagement, with the wedding date getting pushed back many times, they finally got married around Christmas. Not three months later she was considering divorce because "I'm just not completely in love with him." Really? Some mornings I wake up to a horrible smell coming from under the covers. When I look at my dh, "I love you" is not the first thought that comes to mind. But I resist the urge to kick him out or spike his food with Bean-o, not because I am in love with him, but because my true love for him has grown so much bigger that that. Sure, he still makes me weak in the knees, but that is based on our experiences together.

[TammyinTN]

Unbreakable team here. We have both worked our butts off to make this marriage a great one. Still going strong after 24 years. Marriage is definitely hard work!

[Ohdanigirl]

I voted other.

 

Dh and I have a great marriage now, but in the beginning it was pretty tough. I don't want to cross into TMI, but it got pretty bad. On top of this, we took on some pretty stressful things as a young couple. (raising teenagers when we were only 20 and 21) There were many factors... age, maturity, money, family, and cultural differences. I would say that the last two coupled with age were the biggest factors. Many people say that culture/race makes no difference, but I beg to differ....

 

Any how, fast forward to today. We are like newlyweds again, but with our feet firmly planted on the ground. When dh looks at me, I can see that he is head over heels in love with me and our family. We respect each other, talk to each other, and pretty much share everything. We both are willing to make sacrifices for each other, but would always work hard to keep the other from having to sacrifice too much. Our relationship has matured over time and we have both made the effort to change and blend things oer the years. It s hard work, but well worth it.

 

Danielle

[Lara in Colo]

Our marriage is good, our lives sorta suck.

 

Those two things tend to blur the lines between them. I think a lot of people tend to blame the unhappiness of their lives on the marriage. I try to look at each as a separate entity.

 

A good relationship can make hard times good.

A bad relationship can make good times hard.

 

Lara

[kitten18]

I love him more every year. I need him more every year. We get better every year. BUT marriage is hard work. We are 2 imperfect beings, and we have had to walk through some d@mn hard stuff. Marriage is not for sissies.

:iagree:

[Sebastian (a lady)]

Unbreakable team that has learned how to work through the stress of military light and a lot of time apart and is now learning how to be with each other again (harder than it sounds).

 

We're unbreakable because we refuse to consider the possibility of being broken. That doesn't mean that we're always unselfish or never have bumps.

[Wheres Toto]

I put unbreakable team but I have BTDT on the divorce too. I think one of the things that keeps DH and I going strong is that we were both..shall we say Mature...when we got married. (mature sounds much better than old, right?)

[Carrie12345]

We keep plugging along AND we're an unbreakable team! :D

[Jennifer in MI]

All of the above at one time or another (well, except the divorce and separated!).

[Rosie_0801]

I chose "we keep plugging away."

 

We haven't been very good for a few years now, but we have made progress in one aspect of our biggest problem and have the knowledge required to make progress in another aspect of it. (It requires effort, not just a mindset change and small kids=sleep deprivation=not so much effort as one would wish. We do better and worse at the actual doing depending how much sleep we get. :rolleyes:) We have also developed a fabulous conflict resolution bandaid and that is helping smooth the path.

 

This relationship stuff certainly isn't for wusses. :cheers2:

 

Rosie

[RanchGirl]

I think you need another category -- a lot of couples I know are just sticking together until the kids are grown.

[Brindee]

I voted that we are an unbreakable team, however, I wanted to clarify a little.

 

We've only been married almost 10 years and our kids are still small. I try to keep in mind that some people don't face their struggles until later on in life. So having such a strong marriage from our honeymoon until now is no excuse to not keep trying to make it better.

I too voted that we are an unbreakable team. But you shouldn't have to clarify a good marriage! :001_smile: We've been married for 23 years, and it just keeps getting better and deeper! My brother and sister and his sister have all been divorced from their firsts. My brother and sister have great 2nd marriages!

 

Maybe I WILL clarify--we got married in our mid-20's. A little time under our belt, both finished college (in other words, I was an old maid ;)), both have the same faith/beliefs. So those things undoubtedly have helped our marriage stay strong! There have been "spats", but we have never not liked each other since we've been together. We can't stand being mad at each other! :tongue_smilie: We say please, thank you and I love you to each other a lot. Little words, but I think they make a big difference. We also try not to assume where each other is coming from until they are finished saying what they have to say. I've felt frustrated before, but by allowing him to explain himself, I usually end up saying, "Ohhhh, I see where you're coming from now" which avoids problems that could have been.

 

I'd say we worked harder at the marriage thing for the first 3 years or so. Most of that was because of me and my background. We loved each other dearly, though, and the "D" word was never a part of our vocabulary! ;)

 

As the years have gone by we've grown to know each other so much better and deeper, that it's really not a struggle anymore. It's a wonderful relationship! Not bragging, just saying it is. I feel truly blessed and I wish everyone could experience a marriage like this. IMHO, that's God's original intent for marriage--the total love and support! :001_wub:

[Sasharowan]

I think one of the important things is that we both realize that marriages don't just happen. We talk, we compromise, we stomp around and growl at each other, we laugh, we work at it. People don't just magically get along because they have a piece of paper declaring marriage. People change as they go through life. I don't have the interests that I did when we met and definitely don't have the same priorities; having kids majorly shifts those priorities around.

[lionfamily1999]

We've run the gamut... right up to the brink of the -d- word. Thank God, literally, we are a team today (and we were always made for each other). I wish I could have chosen more than one option, because depending on the time of day we can vacilate between hard work and made for each other :p

 

I think that at least one person has to be stronger when the other is weak. Doesn't help much huh? I fell and fell hard, but dh was there for me. During that time, he was married to a worthless wife. He was stronger and thank God (again) for that, because we would have never made it out of that slump if it were up to me.

 

It's swung in the other direction too. God gave me the strength to be the forgiving, stronger person.

 

I think, sometimes, marriage requires a lot more grace than is easily given.

[elise1mds]

I think you need another category -- a lot of couples I know are just sticking together until the kids are grown.

 

LOL! My parents AND my in-laws both did that. Well, almost. DH's parents didn't quite make it. They divorced but then lived together - after their divorce - till the kids were pretty well grown.

 

As for me and DH, I said mostly smooth with a few difficulties. There have been some major bumps in our road, some caused by me and some caused by him, but we've managed to work through them all so far and hang together. Will I guarantee we'll be together forever? No. Who can predict the future? But we're giving it a good try :D

[Jennifer3141]

Nothing and no one could tear DH and I apart because neither of us would take that step. We rely upon no gods but I know that he's got my back and vice versa. Always. :)

[Lovedtodeath]

I voted committed and unselfish but that is now.

 

We have been on the brink of divorce and have weathered adultery.

[UnsinkableKristen]

I too voted that we are an unbreakable team. But you shouldn't have to clarify a good marriage! :001_smile: We've been married for 23 years, and it just keeps getting better and deeper! My brother and sister and his sister have all been divorced from their firsts. My brother and sister have great 2nd marriages!

 

Maybe I WILL clarify--we got married in our mid-20's. A little time under our belt, both finished college (in other words, I was an old maid ;)), both have the same faith/beliefs. So those things undoubtedly have helped our marriage stay strong! There have been "spats", but we have never not liked each other since we've been together. We can't stand being mad at each other! :tongue_smilie: We say please, thank you and I love you to each other a lot. Little words, but I think they make a big difference. We also try not to assume where each other is coming from until they are finished saying what they have to say. I've felt frustrated before, but by allowing him to explain himself, I usually end up saying, "Ohhhh, I see where you're coming from now" which avoids problems that could have been.

 

I'd say we worked harder at the marriage thing for the first 3 years or so. Most of that was because of me and my background. We loved each other dearly, though, and the "D" word was never a part of our vocabulary! ;)

 

As the years have gone by we've grown to know each other so much better and deeper, that it's really not a struggle anymore. It's a wonderful relationship! Not bragging, just saying it is. I feel truly blessed and I wish everyone could experience a marriage like this. IMHO, that's God's original intent for marriage--the total love and support! :001_wub:

 

 

It is SO NICE to hear this!! We've dealt with a lot of problems during our marriage, however, they have always been "external" problems, you know? Our families going crazy, bad job stuff, difficult kid seasons. But "internally" - just Dh and I - we have always been rock solid.

 

Sometimes I worry that things are so wonderful, when will the other shoe drop? It is just so nice to know that sometimes it doesn't :D. I always feel ridiculously blessed and enormously thankful for our marriage and it makes my heart happy to know that someone else out there has a similar one that has lasted even longer.

[5LittleMonkeys]

I voted unbreakable team. I can't imagine anyone out there more perfect for me than my dh and he has said the same about me. We have had hard times in our time together (18 years this past Sunday) but none of them have been because of inconsiderate or selfish behavior from one or the other of us. In fact usually when life circumstances are at their worse he and I are at our best. We rally together, circle the wagons and dig in back to back.

 

We tell each other daily how much we appreciate each other and how much we love each other. When we disagree about something we discuss it; each of us giving the other the opportunity to voice his pov. Sometimes he sees my point, sometimes I see his and sometimes we agree to disagree. We have come to a point in our relationship that we also make conscessions for each other. If he is extremely stressed due to work I try to cut him a break if he is being grumpy or picky about something. He does the same for me. Decision making is a joint effort.

 

All of this bliss takes a lot of effort though. We are both very strongwilled and opinionated so we both have learned to curb those tendencies out of respect and love for one another. We've learned to diffuss many potentially irritating circumstances with wit and humor.

 

So, I'll stop gushing on and on now.:tongue_smilie: Great thread though! It's always good to remind ourselves of our blessings.

[OnTheBrink]

other

 

Divorced after 10 years.

[lmkzbcb]

I dont want to derail the thread, so if someone who has survived the rocky spots could pm me that would be great.

How do you gain respect back for dh when it is completely gone? Practical advice please, no etherial advice. TIA.

[Running the race]

I feel like our marriage is kind of on autopilot. We are just too busy. We are good, but I am looking forward to attending a Family Life Weekend to Remember marriage conference next month. We have never taken the time to do anything just for our marriage.

[Jen+4dc]

Unbreakable team that has learned how to work through the stress of military light and a lot of time apart and is now learning how to be with each other again (harder than it sounds).

 

We're unbreakable because we refuse to consider the possibility of being broken. That doesn't mean that we're always unselfish or never have bumps.

Yeah, this! (Including the deployments and readjustments!)

 

I think one of the important things is that we both realize that marriages don't just happen. We talk, we compromise, we stomp around and growl at each other, we laugh, we work at it. People don't just magically get along because they have a piece of paper declaring marriage. People change as they go through life. I don't have the interests that I did when we met and definitely don't have the same priorities; having kids majorly shifts those priorities around.

 

Marriage (and parenthood) are the most difficult and most rewarding things I've ever done. They are also serious work and commitment. 16 years later we still love each other and enjoy being together.:D

[texasmama]

All the above, except for separated or divorced, depending on the day.;)

[AnitaMcC]

Lots of good times with lots of difficulties.

 

We will be 23 yrs this July. We have gone through a lot of hard times and somehow we are still together. We also have been through a lot of great times. We are both very opinionated and stubborn so it makes for some pretty good fireworks around here-LOL.

 

There are times that I have doubts about us but that is my insecurities. Sometimes I just get tired of the hard work in making a marriage work. My Dh has no doubts about our marriage and he loves me very much.

[Denisemomof4]

All of the above but divorce and separation, though that has been thought of a few times by me, not by dh. We've just had so much crap thrown at us.

 

I'm enjoying peace and time with him. We're at a real good place, FINALLY being able to focus on each other again and not a world crumbling around us. We spent about four years putting out fires. It was exhausting and we are still feeling the affects of it all. We're TIRED!!!

 

Friday is our 22nd anniversary and we will be separated for two days as I take dd11 to her synchro swim competition. :sad: I feel real bad about that. We're going to go out on a date on Thursday, a day early.

 

He's special. We're a perfect team. We've weathered so much and I believe we will always be an unbreakable team. We are imperfect, both of us...... maybe him more than me. ;):lol:

[Tap]

Dh and I were just talking about this recently. We have had some times when our marriage wasn't incredible, but neither of us has ever thought that getting out of it, was better than staying in. We have been together 20 years and still like each other so things are going pretty good.

 

Ironically, the times when our marriage has been at its worst, are when one of us has been gone a lot, and the other person is wishing that the missing party was around more. LOL

 

Dh is a workaholic, and a couple of years ago, I told him to either start coming home from work or to not bother coming home. I was serious. I was tired of being married to a person I never saw. I was very unhappy with our marriage, but I didn't want him to go away....I just wanted him to come home. I made sure his counter part at work knew about my stance, and she helped to remind him to leave the office at a more reasonable hour. He wised up, and started coming home more. Sometimes, he just relocates and works from home....but at least he is here. :D

[simka2]

Almost 12 years here.. I answered unbreakable team, but that would not have been my answer a few years ago.

[nd293]

I voted Other. I guess I'd be looking for Efficient, stable and mostly amicable partnership if I were to be precise!

[dm379]

I voted lots of hard times with some good ones. We'll have been married 11 yrs. and we have been through hell. We've battled the death of a child, addiction, 6 deployments and more. We would have gone through all that whether we were married or not and sometimes it seems like the only thing that didn't kill me was being able to rely on him. It was rough and the D word has been brought up many, many times. I have no idea how we survived it. Right now, we're doing the best we've ever been but it seems like I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop and things get bad again.

[Jenny in Atl]

Been together 27 years... married for 21. I don't think anyone else would have us. :D

[DawnM]

Honestly, we have what I think is a strong marriage. We are usually on the same page when it comes to raising the kids and making decisions about money. We are Christians and both believe our relationship with each other is because of our relationship with the Lord.

 

We have been married 16 years.

 

Dawn

[Mom22ns]

Our 21st anniversary will be Thursday. We have had some rough times along the way, but not in our marriage. Both of my parents have died, having a ds diagnosed with autism, a job layoff, etc. All of these things have been hard and stressful, but we have supported each other through them all. I think we've been closer at times and wedged apart by circumstance at times, but we have always been totally committed. I've never felt marriage was hard, but I have thought life was hard.

 

I guess we are perfect for each other. Besides, no one else would want us!

[cin]

I love him more every year. I need him more every year. We get better every year. BUT marriage is hard work. We are 2 imperfect beings, and we have had to walk through some d@mn hard stuff. Marriage is not for sissies.

 

 

Ditto. We are at 23.5 years. Being child-free for so many years was VERY hard on us, it could have torn us apart, but it actually pushed us closer together. I think God protected us by not providing any single friends :).

 

He's had one minor dalliance, and I've had medical issue after medical issue, all just annoyances, (But I can tell you that since we've been married I've had 9 surgeries; 3 for infertility, 4 for bones, lapband in, gallbladder & lapband out) hematuria so I had a cystoscopy (sp) and now we're dealing with a pinched nerve, affecting my right arm & hand, of course. So yesterday we had the dreaded Epidural Cervical Steroid Injection. Annoying, EXPEN$IVE,time consuming, and inconvenient. But he's been there, and he's always picked up the extra work without a complaint. And when I'm able, I pretty much kiss the ground that man walks on.:001_wub:

[melmichigan]

We have been married 18 years now. :) Year 15 was really rough, but we are committed to each other, sometimes that means work. I couldn't imagine a better person to share my life with.

[mrsrevmeg]

15 years. We have had our share of disagreements, but we both know that A.) we made to stay together and B.) we are much better together than we could be apart. I voted unbreakable team.

[lllll]

....

[Joanne]

Voted other.

 

My first marriaged ended on paper a couple of months before 14 years. It ended in reality long before that.

 

I am against using length of time to evaluate a marriage.

 

I've now been remarried going on 5 years. (Does that make some of the WTM old timers feel like they've been here a LONG, LONG time? It does me!). This marriage has weathered and survived a lot: aging and dying parents, rebelling children of divorce, a 3 year long legal battle, health issues, employment issues, bankruptcy, foreclosure.

 

I'm a firm believer that *one* person can destroy a marriage, but it always takes *two* to make one. It doesn't necessarily take *two* to stay not divorced. ;) But to make a *marriage* by my definition, it takes two.

[fourcatmom]

Mine is trying to keep it together but constantly questioning whether it's worth it. We have been married almost 11 years and last May I left him and took the girls and moved into our own apartment. There were just too many things that he was not willing to work with my on and other behaviors that were deal breakers to me. We actually started working on things almost immediately upon my moving out but by October I was not really wanting to move forward anymore. I met someone online and went out once with him and it felt so weird and uncomfortable that I started "liking" my DH more. By Feb, he had moved in to our apartment and I felt like we had worked on our issues, we had both done some changing and we were talking things through when problems arise. In January we started HS both of the girls and I needed his help to do that so that I could continue working for the rest of the school year. Since he works nights, it was easy to set-up a workable HS schedule. This brought us closer together as well. The problem is, things are going back again. He's not helpful and now I am doing more with HS the girls. We have no together time and don't really crave it. We are both very different people. We couldn't even really sit down and watch a show together because we are so different. He eats all his meals on our bed watching tv, away from all of us. He sleeps during the day due to his schedule and even sometimes on the weekends. Sometimes, I just feel like I am happier when he's not there. Although I feel like he's a good friend and I am very comfortable around him, obviously after 11 years. There is also NO spark what so ever and I don't think there really ever has been one. There are two other people right now that I am incredible attracted to and I have never had those feelings for him. I feel sad about this but on the other hand I love him very much and I love having a family. The family unit that I have isn't what I want it to be but he is very content and not willing to change things because that's the way he likes it.

 

I don't know if I would ever even pursue these other people but it's an eye opener when I am around them and I am suddenly aware of myself and how I look and how I feel and I am happy. Even one of my kids said something about one day after I was talking to one of the gentlemen. In fact, she made a comment that he liked me. It was kinda weird.

 

I value my marriage and not a cheating person and sometimes it's just about thinking what my life could be and if I am settling on being happy. I wonder what life will be like when the girls are gone and we still have nothing in common? KWIM?

 

Thanks for letting me ramble...really needed to get those feelings out:tongue_smilie:

[gaillardia]

Other.

All of the above except for going through a divorce.

"I have no idea how we survived it" describes some of our early years.

We've been married a long time.

Right now I'd say we're satisfied with one another and marvelling over our children turning into adults.;)

[Pax]

Since you asked, get ready for a very long reply.

 

I would say in our marriage we have been through h*ll and back. We have been together for 10 years, married for 9, and I would honestly say that there were more bad times than good times through a majority of it. I really love him and he really loves me but we are both from super dysfunctional families. We've separated for over 6 months shortly after my 7 year old was born, we've done counseling, I've given up on our marriage more times than I could count and just decided to stay with him for the children, he's given up on me, and so on. We've tried a lot of different things. The main thing we struggle with is the fact that he is an alcoholic and the behaviors that come along with that were often pretty darn horrible. I've gotten pretty sick mentally right along side him with the whole alcoholism stuff.

 

I am not a saint either and have my own issues but that alcoholism has been a really doozy. When he drinks, he turns into a really nasty person who is not someone I allow into my home. He's been verbally and physically abusive when drunk towards me. The last straw was just about a year ago when I found out about him getting drunk and committing adultery. He doesn't remember anything but the girl sure did. Since then I'm not sure how we've stayed married. I did a lot of crying and soul searching. I've realized I have to be the stronger person and call him on EVERYTHING. I can't keep quiet to keep the peace anymore. He was horrible to me for the majority of last year, mainly because he felt so badly about his behavior, and then at the beginning of this year, he really started changing.

 

Right this second, I have hope. Tomorrow at this time I might not. It is a roller coaster that I would love to get off of but my beliefs about divorce's impact on children are so strong that I feel it is my responsibilty to do everything in my power. Honestly, I think I would be an overall happier person without being married to him. I live a lot of my life without him right now. However, my children would suffer greatly and I would do anything, including stay in a really hard marriage, to keep their suffering to a minimum. No it is not ideal for them to see our marriage this way but I believe it is better than the alternative.

 

There are days when he does little things that remind me of who he really is and why I love him. Those days are starting to be closer together. So I have hope.

Edited May 19, 2011 by Pax