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Does your dh take care of the little things for you?


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When I was growing up my dad used to always take care of things for my mom- making sure there was always gas in her car, that all her car fluid levels were good, the tires rotated on time. He'd make note of the weather if it was going to change and made sure her raincoat was ready for use or that her umbrella worked properly. Now, don't get me wrong, their relationship was far from perfect, but I always admired how he took care of the little things for her. She never had to ask or think about such things.

 

Fast forward to now... my dh is nothing like my dad in this regard. :tongue_smilie: If he drives my vehicle, I usually get it back on empty or with no washer fluid. :glare: The list goes on and on. It's not a complaint against him, he's great in many ways but I guess deep down inside I wish he did more of the things my dad used to. I know it would make me feel a lot more cherished (stupid, I know but hey, that's how I would feel) if he did take the time to do these little things for me. We've talked about this- this is no secret rant against him- and really, it's just not his personality. Heck, his car runs on empty most of the time. :tongue_smilie::001_huh:

 

So, which is it for you? Does your dh anticipate the little needs that come up in day to day life?

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Some things.

 

He tends to fill my gas up unless I'm out and about more than usual. I remind him about oil changes and take care of my own washer fluid.

 

He picks up cat and dog food so I don't have to make an extra trip (we don't buy grocery store brands).

 

Other than that, he asks if I need anything, or I give him reminders. It just makes more sense to ask/tell than to go around making extra checks on cars, pets, kids, house, blah blah blah, when the other person is bound to know already!

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Yes and no. No to things like filling my car with gas. :glare: But, he does do other things. I noticed when my dad visited that my dad did more of those little things for me (like, he changed all of the light bulbs in my appliances) than my dh does.

 

A spinoff question might be-are husband less likely to do those things the more independent their wives are in general?

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No, but they aren't important to me. If they were, I would tell him it was important and he would do them (when he remembered.) My love language is acts of service, but I would MUCH rather someone do things for me that either I can't to myself or really hate to do.

 

For example - dh cooks most of the time. I hate cooking, he likes it, he does it. He'll fold clothes and/or supervise kids doing it because I hate it. Toilets? I don't mind, so I'll do them. On his end, I get up with him most mornings, make his lunch and find his socks because he doesn't function well in the mornings. He loves it!

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Yes and further, it is mention it bugs me, MOST of the time, that's all I have to say for him to change.

 

I HATE my car getting below 1/4 tank. Dh has this mental account of how many miles he is willing drive on a red light. Fine. Do that to his car, not mine. He always keeps my van as close to full as he can bc he knows it stresses me to run on 1/4 or less and he knows that while pregnant, it's nauseating to fill up the tank.

 

Have you asked your dh to do these things for you? Most of the time, I don't have to, but we've been together for a long time. A lot of the way we are know is because of two decades of conversation.:)

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He makes sure I have gas in my car, washer fluid, air in my tires, etc. He fixes all the broken stuff and leaky pipes in the house, and maintains the yard and the kids' bikes. He does the Costco run once a week for groceries. He fixes or replaces anything that needs fixing and replacing. He does the bills.

 

and he works a 45-50 hour week.

 

I do the laundry, cook meals, clean the inside of the house, home school etc.

 

Works for us.

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No, my DH does not do those sorts of things with any regularity. He pretty much considers me an equal and very capable and expects me to take care of most of those types of things myself as I expect the same of him. (Especially the rain coat/ umbrella thing???) My Dh has no idea when I had the oil in my car changed last let alone, weather I need gas or not. It's my car. I think what you're talking about is VERY old fashioned. Not wrong, or anything. Just old fashioned and not likely to be the way most people think now days. It never occured to me to want my DH to "take care of the little things" for me. If he sees me lifting a heavy grain bag, he always offers to take it from me, but I never let him!

 

What he does do is help me out when I need it and pull his fair share in the house. He tries to be helpful in any way that I need at the time, but it's usually when I ask him since he is very busy and may not notice certain things. But he tries!

 

And right now, I am disabled (TEMPORARILY!!!) (That shout was my own little bit of rebelion against what's happened to me and a vow to fight my way back to mobility!) Anway...LOL....he is waiting on me hand and foot. Doing ALL the house work, all the barn work, cooking, shopping, cleaning, he brings me dinner on a tray in my recliner every night (After he has planned a menu and done the shopping). He asks me if I need anything else before he goes to bed. This has been going on for FIVE months and it will be another couple before I am better. I'll never be able to pay him back for all he's doing for me now. So after this, I hope to be able to take care of him for awhile, even if he doesn't need me to.

 

Don't compare your DH to your dad.

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Dh does things to the car like keep track of the time for the oil changes, tires, etc. I take care of filling my tank, washer fluid, air in the tires. He will do other small things of that level for me, yes. He loads the dw about 1/2 the time, cooks about twice a week, helps do other various household tasks, and gets off early once a week to take littles home so I can teach at our co-op. I feel that our distribution of labor is very equitable, and that he appreciates what I do, and feels appreciated himself. :)

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nope...but he did take care of the 40 pound 3 foot tall mouse that was caught in the trap in the kitchen yesterday morning. (maybe that is an exaggeration, but that is what it looked like to me) the mouse was ummm....not dead and trying to escape.

 

Mornings like that make me SOOOOO GLAD I am married to my hero. And yes, it made me feel loved.

 

I think that if my dh checked the weather and handed me and umbrella, and did lots of those little things for me, I would feel that he was treating me like a child. (that's just me!)

 

but he happily will plug in the vacuum cleaner if the carpet is dirty and the best thing of all is HE CLEANS UP AFTER HIMSELF!

Edited by fairfarmhand
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My DH has a bad habit of leaving me with an empty tank, but really it's one of the few things I can complain about :D He does other 'little' things for me--plugs in my cell phone, makes sure I have a dry towel in the bathroom, takes out the trash. He never complains if I don't make dinner, he's a very hands-on daddy, and he totally gets my need for down time from the kids.

 

ETA: He also takes care of 'gross stuff' for me. He'll de-giblet the turkey for me on Thanksgiving, and when a neighborhood cat left a partially eaten rat on our lawn several weeks ago, he warned me not to look, donned a pair of gloves and handled it.

Edited by LemonPie
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No, my husband does not. When I am in a good mood, I try to think, "He is not thoughtless; he's just not thoughtful." Dh has many good qualities, but unless something directly affects him, he doesn't think about it.

That is a nice way of thinking of it.

 

I know my husband tries sometimes. He makes coffee for me, if I don't make it for him first. But generally no, most of the time my husband doesn't take care of little things for me.

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He fills up my tank when he uses the van. Last night he offered to bring me wine while I was reading in the bathtub. He does car and house maintenance.

 

But, honestly, not normally. Not little radom things. I usually have to ask for things (sometimes more than once).

 

But, he did just tell me I deserved the Silhouette SD that I bought. And he told me to get whatever else I wanted. :)

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He makes sure I have gas in my car' date=' washer fluid, air in my tires, etc. He fixes all the broken stuff and leaky pipes in the house, and maintains the yard and the kids' bikes. He does the Costco run once a week for groceries. He fixes or replaces anything that needs fixing and replacing. He does the bills.

 

and he works a 45-50 hour week.

 

I do the laundry, cook meals, clean the inside of the house, home school etc.

 

Works for us.[/quote']

 

This is pretty much how we operate, except we don't do Costco. And we don't own umbrellas or rain coats. :tongue_smilie:

 

Dh also takes the cat to the vet. I stopped doing vet runs a long time ago when ds1 was little and I had to take him with me. He'd always throw up as soon as he got a whiff of the vet's office. :ack2:

 

Cinder

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Oh yes... my hubby is very overprotective of me. LOL I love him for that. I grew up being very fiesty and independent. I used to say, "Who needs a man to be fufilled in life?" OMG. We butted heads when newlyweds as I interpreted his love language of serving/gifts to being controlled or micromanaged. Was I ever wrong.

 

Now, 23 years later, I treasure his small gestures for me. I wake up to a cup of coffee and a doughnut (not daily or weekly -- but when he knows I am craving it on a rare occassion. I'm diabetic.) I love to cook a homemade meal and fatten up my boys -- but hate loading and unloading the dishwasher. Often DH will remark what a wonderful meal he ate and without asking, go and load up the dishwasher. I like a tidy neat house and do loads of laundry -- but depise putting away socks. (The basket sits there on top of the dryer for a long time. eek) He will on occassion take the clean basket of socks while watching sports and sort them for us. Dh is not gifted administratively -- thus, I am in charge of the bills and banking. But he makes sure we both agree on the monthly budget and what gets paid. He will surprise me with roses or balloons. What I love are the handmade letters or card from him in his penmanship.

 

He makes sure the car is always fueled up, son & my meds are taken daily (we do it on our own, but he fusses over us), the grass is always cut, the car tires were inflated, the roof in top repair, and if something was broken -- he'd fix it. If he is away on business, he calls. Or sends a friend to make sure we are okay as son and I have a rare liver disease and our immune system is poor and we get sick at the drop of a hat. His father is like that too with his wife and her recent cancer. I love my sweetie! :grouphug:

Edited by tex-mex
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My husband actually pampers (spoils) me quite a bit. He almost always makes sure there is gas in the car. If he knows I will need cash for something, he will run by the bank ahead of time so I don't have to.

 

Except for deployments, I have never (in 18 years) had to have the oil changed, rotate the tires, fill the fluids ect. He changes the light bulbs, batteries in the smoke detectors, and remotes.

 

There is a Starbucks gift card in our car which he keeps money loaded on, so I always have money for a latte...and the thing that always freaks people out...he opens the car door for me EVERY. TIME.

 

He knows that I don't NEED him to do any of this for me (he has spent about 4 years total of our marriage deployed, on a remote, or TDY...I am pretty tough and resourceful when I need to be) but these are all things that he WANTS to do FOR me.

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Dh also takes the cat to the vet. I stopped doing vet runs a long time ago when ds1 was little and I had to take him with me. He'd always throw up as soon as he got a whiff of the vet's office. :ack2:

 

Cinder

Dh grooms the cat regularily. Due to son not doing this (it is his cat). When son was younger, DH fed the cat too daily. Now son feeds the cat, dh grooms it, and I do the kitty litter, shop for litter/food, and vet runs.

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I will say in the winter I don't often have to fill the pellet stove.

 

When we lived in snow country and had a woodstove, DH made sure the week's worth of wood was taken from the outside pile to dry in the mudroom so it was easy for me to grab and start a fire when I got home from teaching fulltime. I recall one time having a baby and hubby overseas -- having to walk in snowstorms to get the wood to dry for myself. Yipes. Made me very grateful for his kindness when we lived at that home for 9 years.

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My husband actually pampers (spoils) me quite a bit. He almost always makes sure there is gas in the car. If he knows I will need cash for something, he will run by the bank ahead of time so I don't have to.

 

Except for deployments, I have never (in 18 years) had to have the oil changed, rotate the tires, fill the fluids ect. He changes the light bulbs, batteries in the smoke detectors, and remotes.

 

There is a Starbucks gift card in our car which he keeps money loaded on, so I always have money for a latte...and the thing that always freaks people out...he opens the car door for me EVERY. TIME.

 

He knows that I don't NEED him to do any of this for me (he has spent about 4 years total of our marriage deployed, on a remote, or TDY...I am pretty tough and resourceful when I need to be) but these are all things that he WANTS to do FOR me.

This is the one thing: he has been away and not able to come home when he wanted to, and barring any true psychological scars from war, he really did miss his wife and children. He had time to develop an appreciation for you.

Sounds SWEET!!! :001_smile:

Yes, my dh does take care of some little things for me. He used to do more, but I think he thinks the kids should do more to help. He doesn't get me gas too often, he does go to the store for me a lot, he cooks if he is here for dinner, he does some laundry sometimes, not often. He checks the oil and water in my van though, and he'll fix it if it's broken.

 

He made an omelet for me yesterday.

Edited by gingerh
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I have not put gas in a car in almost 12 years.

 

My husband does things like that. Gas, oil, etc. He will tell me as I'm heading out the door that it's supposed to rain and to grab an umbrella. He doesn't GET the umbrella for me.

 

He stops at the grocery store and picks things up for me, because it's easier for him to run in and grab a handful of items than me dragging 4 children to the store for a minimal amount of items.

 

He changes light bulbs, but I usually have to tell them that it needs done first. He takes out the garbage.

 

He reminds me to take my vitamins.

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Mine is always, always fixing things, changing/charging batteries, replacing light bulbs, keeping the vehicles running, and more. He is much taller than me, so he notices and washes the dirty light fixtures and removes high cobwebs.

 

He is also Mr. Safety and many times I've been thankful that he has warded off disaster before it happens. He just "sees" potential problems. I can't imagine how many trips to the ER we've avoided because of him. He makes me feel protected without being smothered.

 

:001_wub: ya Reg!

 

GardenMom

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Yes, my dh does those sort of things for us. On the other hand, there's little things I do for him to make sure his day goes smoothly. Those tasks do fall along the lines of traditional male/female roles. It makes me happy and feel special knowing he thinks about the small things, and I know it does the same for him.

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My husband actually pampers (spoils) me quite a bit. He almost always makes sure there is gas in the car. If he knows I will need cash for something, he will run by the bank ahead of time so I don't have to.

 

Except for deployments, I have never (in 18 years) had to have the oil changed, rotate the tires, fill the fluids ect. He changes the light bulbs, batteries in the smoke detectors, and remotes.

 

There is a Starbucks gift card in our car which he keeps money loaded on, so I always have money for a latte...and the thing that always freaks people out...he opens the car door for me EVERY. TIME.

 

He knows that I don't NEED him to do any of this for me (he has spent about 4 years total of our marriage deployed, on a remote, or TDY...I am pretty tough and resourceful when I need to be) but these are all things that he WANTS to do FOR me.

 

 

I love the highlighted part! Sounds like you have a great hubby :)

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Yes, my dh does those for me. He doesn't regularly do the gas unless he's using my car. he does fluids, wipers, etc. He was out of town and I had battery issues. I had to call a friend to bring her car and help jump start my car, so I'm capable, I just don't like to. I even had to go buy a new battery and everything.

 

I don't change flats and I wake up to coffee made every morning (only because he gets up before me). He will often cook dinner if my allergies are acting up.

 

He does draw the line at pet duty. He won't change a litter box or pick up doggy poo.

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Not really, but some.

 

If either of us happens to drive the other's car, we will fill it up if needed.

We get our own routine maintenance done on our own cars. He does tell me when something more major needs to happen like new brakes. He just told me that I need a new timing belt since I'm approaching 100K miles. Who knew?

 

He always takes poultry off the carcass. I can't stand that.

 

He'll fix anything broken, or build something to my specifications if I ask him. Right now he's building in a bench and cabinets in our laundry room.

 

He makes sure I have cash on hand and manages the bills/banking.

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Yes, that is my dh. I'm not sure where he learned it as his father isn't like that at all. I hope my son picks it up because it does make one feel special. Dh takes care of all car things including gas and always does little things like making sure my cell phone is charging before he leaves for work, picking up individual items from the grocery as soon as he notices any running low, putting my keys and phone together with anything else I might need underneath them any time he knows I have to run out with the kids in the morning, packing a cooler any time we are going out, making sure I have soda in the fridge and not just stacked in the laundry room, calling when he is off early to see if he can run any errands. I could go on, but I had better go tell my dh what a great guy he is!! :D

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I always used to wonder when people would make a big deal over someone filling their car up with gas for them. It didn't seem that special. Then I realized....I live in NJ. I don't have to get out of my car and pump my own gas. If I did, I would probably really appreciate DH taking care of that for me, especially in winter (or rainy spring and fall or hot summer...).:001_smile:

 

 

DH does lots of other little things for me. He cooks dinner every night including picking up any special ingrediants, he helps with the kids all the time, he makes sure the cars get their oil changed regularly and any other service they may need, he makes sure the lawn is mowed, takes care of any household repairs that are needed, he lets me sleep late on Saturdays and Sundays (gets up with the little guys) and sometimes even brings me breakfast in bed. :D

 

ETA: with winter coming he will clear the snow off my car when he leaves in the morning but I also have a remote starter (which was a Christmas gift from DH when I was pregnant with ds) so I always get into a toasty warm car and it usually takes care of most of the snow.

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No, but I understand where you are coming from as my father did the exact same things you mentioned. I am trying to teach DS to do the little things like my father did. My DH is very thoughtful, but unless something is really on his radar, it is left to me. Mind you, he works two jobs and is very busy, but sometimes just taking that big load of laundry up the stairs would be so nice!

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DH does all the work on all of our cars. If I am going on a trip, he checks everything over before I leave.

 

I just went to VA for a long weekend and drove 6 hours each way without him. He checked the oil, fluid levels, tire pressure, and I don't know what else.

 

There are others things he isn't so caring about, but the cars he does take good care of.

 

Dawn

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Dh is my hero. . . a shining light among human beings. .. A spectacularly helpful husband and very hard worker. . .

 

But, no. . . He does many of those little things, but only b/c I harrass & cajole and pester him to. . . I give him a hard time if the van is out of gas and he's recently driven it. A really hard time. . . He tries, but it's just not his forte to think of those little things.

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He gases up the van if he takes it out and sees it's running low. But I also fill up the van.

 

He brings the laundry up from the basement if it's dry and he switches out the wet things into the dryer (to save me more trips). But I do tons more laundry than he does.

 

He refills the dish soap. I never seem to notice it running low. :confused: But I wash most of the dishes.

 

He brings up a new bar of soap from the basement, brings up more napkins, brings up more apple juice, and I have no idea why I forget it all when I'm down there. Maybe because I'm thinking that I need to get back up to the kids before they choke on their carrots? :confused: But I do nearly all the cooking, all the teaching, and most of the child care. I do whatever cleaning gets done. :tongue_smilie:

 

I think that the key is our teamwork. It's very much a "gotcher back" type of marriage. I literally scratch his back (aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh), and he literally scratches mine (aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh). We nurture one another.

 

It would be hard for me to be in a more, um, unilateral (non-reciprocal?) marriage. I would feel used, to put it bluntly. I very rarely feel that way when it comes to my husband (or anyone else, for that matter). We are a good team, and I can't imagine trying to get through life without that mutual support. Neither can he!

 

I do remind him to check things -- as in, Honey, did you check your car's registration? Honey, tomorrow is recycling. Honey, here's a card, please sign it for your mother's birthday. (Him: :001_huh: Thanks, Babe.)

 

There are so many details to life, I tend to forget a few now and then. I don't know why I do this, but my husband has my back. It's usually nothing serious.

 

While we're on that topic, I remember one time when I went into a room at my parents' house and could not remember why I had walked into it. My dad was sitting there reading. He looked up, amused, and said, "You think that's bad. You know you're REALLY getting old when you stand at the foot of the stairs and can't remember if you were on you're way up, or if you just came down."

 

:lol:

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My dh does not do any of the things you mentioned. He is absent-minded, but to his credit he works almost 60 hours a week and has a long commute time. He would gladly do anything I ever asked him, but it requires me asking him. When we have had disagreements at times I have brought up how it would be nice to have him think of things without me having to ask but it is just not how he operates.

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Wanted to add this observation: I think that some of this "wishing feeling" as a wife can relate to our relationship with our father when we were girls (and even now). My sister, who is very close to my dad, seems to have a hard time when her husband is NOT like our dad. But I have always been a bit closer to my mom, and so it suits me just fine that I found the male version of my mother. :D See how smart I was?

 

OP --

 

Your husband might be taking care of other little things, different things from what your dad did for your mom. So, not the umbrella or raincoat, but something completely different, maybe even so different that it's invisible to you. Off the radar. But maybe it's there? Since you grew up to equate caring with "raincoat and umbrella are out" (which is fine), maybe it feels odd, even after all this time, that this specific act is not a part of your husband's definition of caring, not even once in a while.

 

When they were first married, my sister used to get so frustrated with her husband. He couldn't paint a room, he couldn't hang a picture, he didn't know how to do anything around the house (handy-man type stuff). Our dad was that kind of guy, so she just expected her husband to have the "man skills." :lol: He does plenty of it now, but it was a long time coming.

 

One thing he did every day -- drove her crazy at first -- was vacuum the entire house. Every day. Meticulously. It was his decompression routine, KWIM? He still does this every day, as soon as he comes home from work. Twenty years later, she is so glad he vacuums! :D

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I can think of a couple of significant things.

 

He knows I detest pumping gas (Thank you, NJ!), although I do it. Yet quite often he will take the mini van and fill it. It's always a treat to see a full tank. The other thing he does, is to take my car to the yearly inspection. I've never had to do that. Last week, I noticed the sticker was 10 and tried to make a mental note to mention it and I forgot. However, the next time I remembered to look, the sticker said a fat 11. Not sure when he did that, but unless I did it in my sleep, he took it in.

 

He also calls to ask if we need bread/milk etc when he is on his way home from work.

Edited by LibraryLover
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When I was growing up my dad used to always take care of things for my mom- making sure there was always gas in her car, that all her car fluid levels were good, the tires rotated on time. He'd make note of the weather if it was going to change and made sure her raincoat was ready for use or that her umbrella worked properly. Now, don't get me wrong, their relationship was far from perfect, but I always admired how he took care of the little things for her. She never had to ask or think about such things.

 

Fast forward to now... my dh is nothing like my dad in this regard. :tongue_smilie: If he drives my vehicle, I usually get it back on empty or with no washer fluid. :glare: The list goes on and on. It's not a complaint against him, he's great in many ways but I guess deep down inside I wish he did more of the things my dad used to. I know it would make me feel a lot more cherished (stupid, I know but hey, that's how I would feel) if he did take the time to do these little things for me. We've talked about this- this is no secret rant against him- and really, it's just not his personality. Heck, his car runs on empty most of the time. :tongue_smilie::001_huh:

 

So, which is it for you? Does your dh anticipate the little needs that come up in day to day life?

 

 

Haven't read the other replies.... your dad sounds very much like my dh. He will go get the car out of the shed (it's not an attached garage) and bring it around to the front of the house for me. He will take it and park it again for me. I can't remember the last time I put gas in the tank. He does the dishes every lunch and supper and says that's his contribution to the meal I cooked. He will sometimes cook lunch or supper, too, if I'm away working and won't be back in time to get a meal prepared. He will get up early even if he doesn't have to, and will make me coffee while I get my paperwork done before the day starts imposing. He makes sure everything around the house is working, or if it isn't he works on fixing it. He does a million other little things like that.

 

But... that is his love language -- Acts of Service. My love language is Words of Affirmation, but I have always been able to recognize Acts of Service as love because my own dad was like that, too. I often feel I'm an Affirmation gal with a side-order of Acts of Service because dh says he thinks I do a lot for him and ds, too. What's funny is that we both can't admit that doing things for your family IS love. It seems awkward to say "I do it because I love you." At least, it does to me.

 

I think it would be a great thing for you to figure out what is your love language and what is your husband's love language. Just understanding that makes a world of difference in a relationship. He may be showing you his love in ways you haven't recognized yet, but once you know his language, you'll be able to hear him better.

Edited by Audrey
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