Does your dh take care of the little things for you?

[Garga]

I haven't read the whole thread yet, but I'm sure someone has mentioned the book The Five Love Languages, right? I mean, the OP's thread is such a perrrrrrfect example of that.

 

OP: If you haven't read it, you should read it. It describes the 5 different ways to show love, which are also the five different ways we can feel love.

 

Sounds like you feel loved when your dh does "acts of service." That's one of the 5 love languages. Your dh probably feels loved with one of the other 4 languages, and he's probably showing you love through one of the other languages (we tend to show our love in the language that we feel the most loved.) So, he's busy "loving" you, but you're not "feeling" it, because unless he does an "act of service" you just don't feel loved.

 

The five love languages are:

 

1. Acts of Service

2. Physical touch

3. Quality time

4. Words of Affirmation

5. Receiving gifts.

 

I found a website about it. Here.

 

The idea is pretty powerful and was eye-opening to my dh and I when we realized what makes the other one feel most loved. For my dh it's physical touch. If I just hold his hand when we're out somewhere, he feels soooo loved. I had never known that, and since I'm not naturally a "touchy" person, I never knew that he wasn't feeling loved by me. Just giving him a hug or holding onto his arm while we watch a tv show makes him feel so happy and loved.

Edited November 18, 2010 by Garga

[dm379]

We're a one car family and he takes it most of the time so he takes care of it. Except the gas because there's no gas stations on his way to work. He does things if I ask him and he doesn't complain about it. If I'm having a bad day I just have to tell him and he'll take care of everything for me while I stay locked in my room. But I have to tell him he doesn't notice these things.

 

ETA: I don't wish he'd do more either. I'm okay with what he does most of the time. Now my dad, otoh, still emails me to make sure the oil in the car is changed or that the kids have been to their check ups and that sort of thing. Every time we go visit one of the first things he does is check out the car and offer us money. lol

Edited November 18, 2010 by dawn8500

[WiseOwlKnits]

My DH is totally like your father. He's always doing little things like that (he says) to show how much he loves me. :001_wub:

[mcconnellboys]

We do have a division of labor and the cars are, in general, his thing. He does not buy gas for me unless we're traveling together. But he does tend to the tires and oil, etc. I do have trouble getting him to keep the washer fluid filled and the wiper blades in good working order, but he does some things....

 

He in general sees to things in the garage regarding putting them away, cleaning up, etc. He also does most of the yard work. I take care of the beds, planting, moving plants, pruning and such as that - because he doesn't know one plant from another - but he does all the grass stuff and he even weeds now some, in the last few years (he used to pull of plants, LOL, so I didn't let him for a long time)....

 

Insofar as taking care of little needs of mine, though, he's never done anything like that. I'm not sure I know any other couple where the man does this, either. But I know what you mean, little things like that would make me feel cherished, too....

[Denisemomof4]

my dh does. To be honest, it's been hard for me. I know that he had to become THE adult when his dad died at age 11. His parents were both from Lithuania and neither spoke good English. They both had to work in a factory out here. So when his dad died, he had to do all the cooking, cleaning, paying bills, etc. so his mom could work full time. He also had to do all the business side of things (insurance, etc.) because he understood the language and his mother didn't. When newlyweds I remember one time I forgot my lunch at home so he drove half an hour in one direction to get it to me, worried because I'm hypoglycemic and need my food, and then turned around to drive further in the other direction. I actually cried because I hated that he caused himself more work. I told him that I could have BOUGHT my lunch. It's been hard but after 23 years I no longer fight it. But I *do* always think of it because it's as if his worth to his family was shown by how he worked for them. It's sad, really.

 

I just wish he'd think of himself more or do more for himself.

[missesd]

Mannn, your dad sounds like my grandfather- and they raised me :) He always took her car for gas, called at 1pm EVERY day just to check in, see how her day was, and say "I love you". Every morning it was a deep kiss at the door, and a full ASL routine of "I love you, I am crazy about you, Be safe". At night, he'd come home and wouldn't greet anyone- no hug or kiss, till he saw his wife and said a proper "hello". He also rubbed her feet every night and plucked her eyebrows- I know weird, huh?? LOL Likewise, though, my grandmother always made him breakfast, kept the house, made his lunch every day, and made dinner for him every night. She washed all of his clothes, made all of the beds... in short she was as close to the "perfect wife" as you can get. And no, they never really had problems. I remember one big fight, when my grandfather was laid off and they lost the house. Other then that as long as he didn't drink too much and get "stupid" all was well. It was a pretty "Leave it Beaver" type life. Not that they didn't have their own issues. My grandmother is a bit of a control freak... LOL

 

Now, onto me and mine. I always idolized my upbringing, their marriage. It was very "awwwww", cue sigh and leg kick, with hands clasped moving from side to side in front of you. I love him, and her and wish my husband was like him in a lot of ways. But I think my husband tries, genuinely. He does try to remember to gas up the car when he runs out to get the groceries for the menu I've planned. He tries to remember to check the oil, fluids, and tires, but he is ADD and probably doesn't check his most of the time... LOL If I am craving something- no matter the time, he WILL run out and get it, even if I protest. IF I ask, he will massage my back and feet, even if it's at 3 am (I routinely have trouble with the joints in my legs), he will. But he doesn't really do anything around the house and with the kids he is clueless. There was a time when I was MUCH more romantic and affectionate. But as time has gone on now (it'll be 9 yrs New Years), I have had more and more added to my plate. I don't mean to use that as an excuse, it's just the way it is. I am the "Manager". I manage everybody, including him, and every thing. I do all the schooling, I arrange the chore schedules, I decide on the reward systems, dole out the punishments. I make all the Dr's and DDS appointments, take them there and deal with all associated paperwork. I run 3 accounts, and manage the budget. I am in charge of the menu and budgeting as far as meals and food money is concerned. I also the one to implement the house schedule, and make sure people are where they are supposed to be and doing what they are supposed to. It is also my job to see that everyone tidy up, get ready for bed, and actually get there and get lights out. And somehow, it has fallen upon my shoulders that if anything spiritual is to occur in my house to be the one to instigate that too. Now maybe, this is what everyone else does, and really it shouldn't seem like my burden is so much more so than anyone else, or even my husbands. But I DO feel overburdened, taxed, and many times overwhelmed. But I keep trucking ahead. Of course sometimes I get angry that he can't make sure the kids are actually brushing their teeth, or if I actually make it out to do some shopping or meet with a friend I come home to something akin to federal disaster area. That he can't see fit to step away from the pc or TV long enough to make sure in my absence, or even in the next room, that kids are where they are supposed to be or doing whatever they need to.

 

*sigh*

 

But then I remember he loves me, and my slightly OCD ways. That he thrives under organization, and even though it drives me crazy, secretly it is my forte`. I really wish he could be less-ADD, but there is only so much we can do about that. Remembering expenses would b nice though... LOL I guess what I am trying to say is, even though I still idolize what my grandparents had/have, the reality is *I* am not them. He is *not* him. And they did not, do not have the stresses that we do. They had 1 child. I have 7-8 on any given basis. They had their child in public school. I home school 7. They had 1 income for 3 of us. We have 1 income and a PT job for 9 of us... we have a lot more stresses then they do, so our life is different. We are also LDS and there comes a lot of responsibilities that can lead to stress. Being LDS isn't just a religion, but like homeschooling is a way of life. They were Pagan, and never really had any pressures and anyone to answer too, they were very much free spirits... still are. They did and said what they wanted to, when they wanted to. I don't have those luxuries. Heck, if they had a stressful day, they'd order pizza and have a couple of beers... I can't do that. I have to find another outlet. It's hard to hold ourselves to their esteem, when our lives are so very different. And in thinking that, you have to let some of that wishful thinking go, and just concentrate on all the things you appreciate about your hubby. And when he drives you crazy, you call up a friend/sister/mom/aunt, or come on here and vent ;) I am sure you know we'll ALL understand :)

[cindergretta]

My dh totally takes care of things for me, big and small. He decided *years* ago that pregnant women shouldn't clean tubs or showers or floors. As a result, he now takes care of all of those things. He will ensure that there is gas in my car, milk in the fridge, and something is thawing for dinner. (He does the cooking.) His love language is clearly acts of service and I am totally taken care of as a result.

 

We run a really busy life (duh! who here doesn't???) and I never have to worry when I get in the car (with him) if I have a drink, a snack, a chair (for soccer games), an umbrella... You get the idea. :)

 

He has his own special ways of irritating the very life out of me, ::giggle:: and driving me up a wall and around a bend, but taking care of the little things isn't it. :lol:

[holdoll]

Not so much anymore. When the kids were little I'd cook, he'd do dishes. He'd help with laundry. Now that their older we pretty much take care of all the little things for him. If I want him to do something - I get up to do it. Then he asks, "What are you doing?" I say, "Checking the oil in your car." Next thing I know he's right behind me, taking over. Works every time! :D

[Tree House Academy]

NO. LOL And I would be really annoyed if he tried. If he is with me when I drive the car, and the gas is out, he will get out of the car to fill it up. He mows the yard and refuses to let me on the mower (says it is embarassing...what if someone who knows him drives by and sees his wife on the mower!? LOL)...but setting out my rain coat if it is going to rain...no. I don't set out his undies for him either. ;)

[angela in ohio]

No, but my dh spends a lot more time and is a lot more involved with our dc than my dad ever was, and that matters much more to me. I take care of all the little things, for me and for him. :D

[Joker]

No, but my dh spends a lot more time and is a lot more involved with our dc than my dad ever was, and that matters much more to me. I take care of all the little things, for me and for him. :D

 

I feel the same. I love and miss my daddy but I know my dh is much more hands on with our dds than my dad was with me. I actually take care of cars and bills but dh does a lot too. I hate dishes so he does them everynight. He takes care of things in the house when I let him know something needs to be done. He makes coffee every morning and does breakfast on the weekends. We're a partnership and I'm really happy with how we work together.

[ereks mom]

My dh usually refuels my car, and he is always the one who takes it for servicing and oil changes. He will go to the store for milk and bread whenever he notices that we're running low. He always calls me when he's about to head home from work to see if there's anything I need him to pick up from the store.

[lisabees]

Nope. Nothing like that - won't take trash out or lock up at night or feed the animals or put a dish in the sink. He definitely knows nothing about my car. BUT...

 

He gives me all the freedom in the world. Because he is so disengaged from my life in these ways, I can do whatever I please. And he always supports me in anything I do.

 

He is actually madly in love with me and brags about me and compliments me all the time. He just doesn't lift a finger, other than to drive the kids to their sports. He does spend one on one time with the kids each weekend. This is very important to him.

 

Oooh - every morning he gives me a cup of coffee from Wawa or Dunkin Donuts and wakes me up with the coffee and a kiss. Every day. Rain, blizzard or shine. :)

Edited November 18, 2010 by lisabees

[DaffodilDreams]

Yes. He pretty much rocks like that.

[sagira]

Gosh, I lucked out. My dad was like the OP described and my dh too. He does all these little things for me, and he gives me freedom, and he compliments me, and loves me, and can take over and has taken over Homeschooling on certain days, and pays all the bills, and manages our money well, and is a great decorator, and cleans the house much more than I do, and is super supportive, and is an awesome father, and cooks now that I'm pregnant and can't stand the sight or smell of raw meats.. Okay, the man deserves a medal. Let me go give him a very big hug. Oh wait, he's asleep. Tomorrow.

 

Oh, did I mention he works about 50 hours a week?

Edited November 18, 2010 by sagira

[kalanamak]

No, but he would if he was a linear thinker, or had a decent memory. He runs his life along the lines of "going to the grocery when all that is left if the fridge is pickles". Why should he be any different for me?

 

OTOH, if I write out a list every morning, however long, of things I think he is capable of doing (ripping up the carpet to get ready for the install--yes, picking up a cream rinse that is non-scented--no), he will do it. He grew up in chaos. I don't fight with him, I fight with his childhood.:D

[TammyinTN]

Honestly, I feel really spoiled by my husband. He makes sure the cars are in great shape--gas, fluids and are serviced on time. He usually washes the supper dishes while I put things away. He will vacuum, do laundry, clean the bathrooms. He takes the dog out each morning to potty and makes sure the fire is going and I have plenty of wood inside for the day. He calls before coming home from work to see if I need anything, basically...I'm very lucky to have such a thoughtful husband!

[mazakaal]

He takes care of repairs on the car, but that's about it. Oh yea, and he's in charge of rat/mouse removal. I do more of the spider removal than he does. I take care of the woodburner. He does repairs around the house, but needs to be reminded of them and it takes months for them to get fixed. He is trying to get better, but he's definitely not like my dad was. I can identify with the other poster who said that her dad did more repairs when he'd come visit than ther dh did. Unfortunately, dh just has so much on his mind that he doesn't notice or think of the upkeep and repairs that need doing. After seeing so many similar situations for other women, though, I wonder if it's a trend in society in general, today's generation of men wasn't taught to look after their home/car/etc. I know that I've been concerned for my boys. They're certainly not learning anything about taking care of a home or car.

[JudyJudyJudy]

In the past, my husband did not. In fact, I did pretty much everything, and it bugged me a bit. However, now I have severe chemical sensitivities (I can't even go into a grocery store), so he has a huge amount laid in his lap. He has to do all the grocery shopping, all the gas pumping, all the car maintenance, you name it. At least he stepped up to the plate when it really mattered. Right now he's working a full-time job and a part-time job, so this is very difficult for him. Now I wish *I* could do more.

Edited November 18, 2010 by JudyJudyJudy