How Well Does Your Mom Know You?

[Pamela H in Texas]

My mom and I talk several times per week. We discuss anything and everything. I enjoy my relationship with her. However, I've come to believe, recently, that she doesn't really *know* me very well. I'm unclear on how this came to be. I'm a pretty "open book" type person. And honestly, it hurts a bit.

 

Anyway, so I was wondering how well other people feel *known* by their Moms.

 

If your mom has passed, could you say how you feel/felt about how well she knew you as an adult before that happened?

 

Thanks...

[Jean in Newcastle]

In some ways my mom knows me very well (as far as my personality). In others she knows very little about me. There are huge chunks of my life that she knows nothing of from the time I went to boarding school at age 11. I've never told her some of the ugly things in my life.

 

My mom is hard of hearing - she started to lose her hearing from before I was born. She knows me even less now that I live so far away because she cannot really hear me on the telephone. When we talk - it is really just her talking. If I have a question to ask her I have to ask my dad to ask her and then listen to her answer. She refuses to get a TTY devise so that she could "hear" better. She refuses to correspond by e-mail. She will occasionally send me a letter but rarely will actually respond to one written by me. That refusal to put herself out even a little to keep in touch is what hurts me the most.

[KS_]

I have both a mom and stepmom (and lived the majority of the time w/ my stepmom and dad after I was 6). I think my mom knows me quite well, despite the fact that we don't live in the same state and only see each other a couple times a year. We do talk on the phone almost everyday. She understands a lot of my struggles with my challenging ds (and has since he was little) and respects my opinions and often asks for my advice.

 

I don't think my stepmom knows me nearly as well, though, even though we do live in the same town and I lived with her for many years growing up. Even with the close proximity, she didn't understand or believe how things were at home with my ds and I've often felt misunderstood.

 

I think some of it is personality type - my mom and I are the same type - my stepmom and I are not.

[Rich with Kids]

This is a timely poll for me. My relationship with my mother has changed drastically in the last 6 months. I started dealing with some issues from my past finally and she has all but abandoned me. We used to be close, or so I thought. She has become a different person to me and apparently I have to her, as well. Some of the things she has called me and accused me of have been so hurtful. It makes me believe she doesn't know me at all now that I am healing and becoming the woman I am supposed to be as I near 40.

[dsmith]

I think our family is too large for my mom to know me more than so so. I have to share her with 10 others. Lately I've noticed she is becoming a terrible listener. I will pour my heart out about something, and then she will change the subject. We can only talk about her issues. I think this is age and hearing related. She used to be a good listener. Now I don't tell her much of anything. When I couldn't make my aunt's funeral this week due to ds's issues, she was very surprised he was having problems again and I didn't realize how little I had been telling her.

[delaney]

My mom is a wonderful Grandmother to my kids but her love comes at a price for me. Criticism and negativity at every turn. I really don't like her as a person but the kids adore her. She doesn't know me and in the past 2 years she has chosen to ignore an issue of molestation that I revealed to her that happened when I was about 7 (with a much older cousin). If it were my kid I would move heaven and earth the kill the SOB....but she carries on as if I never said anything. I half believe she doesn't believe me and I pretty much stopped caring. She favors my sister and brothers because I was always the self-sufficient one and didn't "need" her. Thanks for letting me vent....:)

[Remudamom]

My mom isn't a good listener unless I need her. Then she listens. She knows when. Mom knows me well and still loves me. It's amazing. We have nothing in common but the kids. After dh, she knows me better than anyone.

[elise1mds]

Like KH said, personality type has played a big role in the relationship my mom and I have. She doesn't know me well at all. She and my younger sister are much closer. I'm closer to my dad simply because we think the same way. I've been closer to him and my best friends since high school when she went off the deep end, psychologically speaking, and decided I was her therapist. Right now we have a good relationship; we're just not close. We talk a few times a month, and that works well for both of us. :)

[AuntieM]

I chose other, because there was not an option for "she THINKS she knows me very well."

 

She does have a fair understanding of my personality, but many of our core values are pretty different, so she really doesn't understand the motivations behind my choices. But she talks to others as though she *thinks* she understands me perfectly.

[stormy weather]

bawl:crying: My mom has changed sooo much in the past five years I don't feel like she knows me and I sure don't know her. She's hyper critical of everything my kids do, even in front of them. When I am correcting them she's correcting them,right over the top of me. I've tried talking to her about it, she will say sorry, and then ten minutes later, start right up again. I feel like she doesn't even like my kids, like my kids aren't good enough for her. I miss my real Mom.

[StartingOver]

My mom passed in 2007. She literally knew almost nothing about me. And we have mostly lived very close, and talked daily. She just never saw me.

 

I think the main reason, was that she needed to be needed. And I just didn't need her like that. I enjoyed our relationship, but she didn't need to worry about me, or take care of me, etc.

 

ETA: I have some really needy siblings who got more of her attention. Which is fine, I like being independant.

Edited February 23, 2010 by alatexan68

[kewb]

I chose other, because there was not an option for "she THINKS she knows me very well."

 

She does have a fair understanding of my personality, but many of our core values are pretty different, so she really doesn't understand the motivations behind my choices. But she talks to others as though she *thinks* she understands me perfectly.

 

This is exactly why I chose other.

[Desert Rat]

I chose "pretty well." Unfortunately, mental illness and chronic pain have taken my mom from me for the past several years. Things are a bit better now, but not where they used to be. We used to be very close and I told my mom nearly everything. She was very open as well (sometimes TMI). Now, that we've grown apart, I think she still knows my history and my core beliefs but not the every day happenings.

 

She used to stop by every morning on the way to work to see me and the boys. I had to put a stop to that because it was too mentally draining for me to continue. It was so wonderful for awhile though. How many people could say that the their mom would stop by every day and be welcomed and embraced? That's why her current state is so horrible for me.

[lllll]

I said so-so. For me, it's not really a question of knowing. It's more an issue of my mother being biased. She always favored and preferred her sons. I'm her only daughter. She chooses to see her sons in the most favorable light to the point of denying her oldest was a drug addict; meanwhile, concocting many lies about me and spreading them to my father, brothers, relatives, anybody who would listen. Very sad. But that's who she is.

 

At 53yo (my mother is now 78yo), I rarely think about it anymore. She cut off contact with me and my family about 10 years ago. And, in an odd kind of way, it's been better for our family. She was very much into sabotaging our parenting and way of life every time I turned around.

 

So, yes, she may know something about my personality just because she raised me. But, no, she really doesn't 'know' me, because she refuses to really 'see' me. And at this point in my life, I really don't care anymore. I still pray for her, sure. But what's to miss?

 

Kathy

[Pamela H in Texas]

Thanks for a bit of camraderie though I'm not sure it's what any of us would hope for.

 

Seriously, I would guess that my mom SHOULD know me pretty well. Again, we chat regularly, visit several times per year, FB, email, etc. I respect my mom and appreciate her as a person. If she were someone I was just meeting, she would be someone I was interested in knowing better and being friends with. She's a good person with a good heart. She's sweet and wonderful in many ways.

 

I seriously don't know how she has not only not "caught" my situation on this one topic or an essential part of who I am in relation to a few things. It is SO incredibly ODD.

 

And maybe that is what makes it hurt? If she were generally preoccupied or rude/mean/cruel, then I guess I could write it off. But because *I* thought we had a pretty good relationship and I believe she's a good person, then her not getting something so big (to me, at least) really bugs me.

 

And she's not old--no where close (young 50's)....so that probably doesn't help.

[Carrie12345]

My mother lives 12 hours away with my very needy stepfather, near my very needy sister (and 7mo niece) and my drama queen sister. She doesn't have the time to know me well.

 

To be fair, I'm a complicated person. ;)

[KidsHappen]

Well, my mom has passed but I put that she knew me pretty well, probably better than anyone other than my hubby. My brother and my children (especially my oldest dd) know me pretty well too.

[BigMamaBird]

I voted that my Mom knows me very well. And she does. Though, for some strange reason, she always offers me mayo, she knows I hate it, but it's like clockwork every. single. time!:confused:

[Parrothead]

I chose other, because there was not an option for "she THINKS she knows me very well."

 

She does have a fair understanding of my personality, but many of our core values are pretty different, so she really doesn't understand the motivations behind my choices. But she talks to others as though she *thinks* she understands me perfectly.

Have we go the same mother?

[JVA]

My mother and I are complete opposites in the temperament department. She has been a good listener, at times. Because we are so different, personality-wise and philosophically, she found it hard, I think , to respond to me. She doesn't like my life choices (SAHM, homeschooling, having "so many" children (5) -her words) and what our values are. She has held grudges against me for 20-30 years about some of the decisions I've made and never cared to understand where I was coming from. It was simply easier for her to label me and withdraw. She's not a nurturing, warm personality and not at all sentimental. I AM wired that way but can still work with different kinds of people, if they will be honest and open. Her grudges, anger and criticism has pretty much severed contact between our family and herself. I believe I need to be honoring and respectful so I periodically inquire to her health and send her updates on our family. She rarely responds- if she does, it is full of bitterness and venom. I hope she can find peace in her life (her hatred of my father is the fuel of her life, unfortunately) through Christ and I pray for her. The pain of it has greatly motivated me to work through ANY obstacle we may encounter with our own children.... any differences we may have will NOT preclude a relationship with them. My unconditional love for my kids is permanent and voiced regularly.

Edited February 24, 2010 by JVA

[Crissy]

I voted So-so.

It makes me sad, because we used to be incredibly close. As recent as three years ago we would talk on the phone 1-2 times every day.

 

Part of the difference is that she has some serious health issues these days that are changing her. And her choices about how to deal with them are changing me.

The other part has to do with the fact that I have been looking back on my first 40 years and realizing how many times she let me down when I really needed her.

[caitlinsmom]

My mom does not know me at all. She has never tried nor been interested in it. She will fake interest in something for about 5 minutes before she moves onto the next thing. All of us kids are a mere tolerance to her.

 

I may sound bitter but I'm not. Its who she is and she is the one who misses out on any depth in her life or relationships. I wish it were different at times but it is what it is.

[Mosaicmind]

I chose NOT AT ALL!!! I was raised in a family that was/is heavily involved in a s*t*nic cult. My life consisted of lots of abuse. The mother I grew up with never wanted me and never knew me. I cut off contact with my family over 5yrs ago and I am better for it.

[HRAAB]

My mom passed away in 2001. She knew me very, very well. Next to my dh, she knew me best. She was my best girlfriend. And this thread is making me sad right now. I still miss her so very much.

[4kiddies]

I voted pretty well. Up until the last year I would have said very well. We still talk daily but she doesn't agree with homeschooling, said some not so nice stuff about it, so we just don't talk about it, which means a huge chunk of my life is "off limits."

[runninmommy]

Not at all. I'd like to keep it that way. :lol:

[happyWImom]

My mom passed away in 2001. She knew me very, very well. Next to my dh, she knew me best. She was my best girlfriend. And this thread is making me sad right now. I still miss her so very much.

 

Janet:

 

:grouphug::grouphug: I'm sorry.

 

My mom is my best girlfriend, and knows me best, so I can only imagine how you feel.

 

I'm an only child, and my mom had me young. She always behaved like a mom while I was growing up, but since I've become an adult, we have gotten to be more and more like friends. Well, friends but yet she still tells me what to do! We probably tell each other more than we should, and don't have any boundries, but I'm okay with that.

 

We talk multiple times per day, and see each other sometimes daily, sometimes every couple of days. My parents live about 500 yards behind us.

[tajott]

I voted OTHER because my mom has been dead for 10 yrs. But I think she knew me pretty well. She certinly was supportive of me and always happy to have me around. i was just very independant...pretty much leaving home at 17. She was a wonderful listener.

 

What makes me sad is that I didn't know HER very well. She never wanted to talk about her youth and childhood, and I didn't really press her. I wish I could hear some of her wisdom, now that I'm old enough to think of someone other than myself!

[Nestof3]

She probably understands things I go through that are typical to most women, but we really don't go very deep. I'm actually quite sad about the sort of relationship I have with both of my parents. We were never a family that discussed things. She is also very different than I am, so many of my passions are things I never talk about with her.

 

She's a great person. But, not a close friend, if you know what I mean.

[tonya in sc]

My mother lost custody of me and my brother when I was 2. She drifted in and out of our lives, showed up for some weekends, then we saw her pretty regularly when we were preteens. Lots of gaps until we reached adulthood, marriage, etc. As of right now, I haven't seen her in 3 years or talked to her in 1 1/2. I am not mad. I just don't have time for someone who doesn't have time for me, and never really has. I will eventually call her over the next couple of months when things slow down here at home. We will have a very nice conversation consisting of her recounting her latest hospitalization, and I will tell her about the kids. We will both say, "I love you" when we hang up. We may not talk for another several months, but that's just how it goes. I remind my children often that they are blessed to have a mom who cares enough about them to check up on them, insist on good grades, and make them clean their rooms. :tongue_smilie:

t.

[Shawn On the Border]

My mom really doesn't know me, or my family. She is much too busy with her life (and even t.v. shows!) to bother to call me, or even talk to me when I call. My husband says I shouldn't bother with her, but I feel like it's my obligation as a daughter (she is quite sick). It's upsetting to have a mother that won't accept your calls!

[joannqn]

My mother and I are nearly completely estranged. We talk once every year or two. Most of her communication towards me revolves around her telling me how people in her religion live or sending me writings from her religion to show me how I'm sinning. She rarely asks about me or my grand children.

[laughing lioness]

I voted "other" becasue my mom passed away 11 years ago March 1. I never felt that I knew her or that she knew me very well. She had some mental health issues that made it almost impossible to be very close to her. After she died my dad mentioned that he didn't think anyone really knew her (my mom) very well.

[PollyOR]

:grouphug: Hugs to you all! There is so much hurt.

 

My mom knows me well even though we tend to butt heads. I am less critical of her as a mother now that I have an adult child of my own.

 

I know this may sound horrible, but I'm tired of taking care of my adult dd. I want her to understand that I have other children that I'm still trying to raise and that I'm an individual. I think that we spend so much time doing for our kids that they grow up still not realizing that there is more to us than being a caregiver. Having experienced this with my own dd has helped me to understand my mom.

 

The older I become, the more I understand my mother. The more I understand what I put her through, the more I apologize. :D

Edited February 24, 2010 by PollyOR

[Alenee]

I answered "so-so" . My mother and I are very close in many ways but at the same time, she has lived more than 700 miles from me most of my adult years so there's a lot she misses out on and likewise, that I miss out on with her. I long for her to know my heart about spiritual things which is where the major deficit is with us but it's hard to go deeper when we only see each other 1-2 times a year. I am thankful though for the years spent apart so I could truly grow w/o hindrances.

[scrapbookbuzz]

Not really sure how to answer the question. My mom and stepdad come out to the SW every winter and stay a few months, allegedly to "see" her kids and grandkids. Last year and this year, though, I sometimes wonder if they just came out for the weather. Since arriving in December, I've only really seen her a handful of times and she's only a 30 minute drive away. Last year, towards the end of their Winter stay, three times in a row I called her to arrange a get together and each time she had some other activity to do with her husband.

 

Guess this just kind of bugs me because my sister, who also lives out here, saw Mom alot more than I did. I think I have some idea why, though. Since I am the youngest of my siblings, I'm pretty independent, as I think most youngest are. And I'm the one child who's in the most stable relationship (married to someone who's family is still intact and, for the most part, pretty healthy psychologically). My sister who lives here is a never-married single mom, middle child. So, guess who gets the most attention?

 

Mom loves me, that I DO know. But does she know me well? No.

[sassenach]

I count my mom as one of my best friends. I pray that I have the same quality of relationship with my kids when they're grown.

[Peela]

My mum doesn't know the details of my life very well as we live on opposite sides of the country and have done my whole adult life- and I left home at 16. We email regularly and stay in touch, but not obsessively so. However, I said "pretty well" because I think in general she does know me pretty well and she very much gives me the space and respect to be myself and I don't have the feeling that she blindly projects onto me values or ideas that aren't mine. I think my brother would say the same, and she sees him a lot more than she sees me. She has always had a thing about letting her kids be themselves and not trying to control us or make us a certain way once we were adults. She felt if we were confident enough to leave home and travel and live far away from her- she had done a good job as a mum.

We get on well....have done for years...but distance can do that.

[Pamela H in Texas]

I'm feeling a little more forgiving towards my mom this morning. I think we see each other as people, not tied up in any mother-daughter issue really. I guess because I do think we're pretty close, it just hurts that she has seemingly gotten such a big thing wrong about me.

 

I think a simple assertive sentence is all I need to stand up for myself. She'll eventually get it. Or maybe she won't. But at least I won't just steam about it. I'll do what I can at least.

 

Oh, a few of y'all mentioned not agreeing about things. I can't imagine agreeing with my mom on a LOT of things. My whole belief system about major areas of life (religion, politics, parenting, schooling, etc) would have to change! I have NO issue with those things. We've learned, over time, boundaries and it's cool.

 

It really comes down to her perception about who I am in one way and how wrong she is. I guess I'm taking it as an attack on my character. If it were anyone else, I'd blow them off. Who cares what Joe Blow thinks. But this ain't Joe Blow and I am not how she thinks I am in this one area!

Edited February 24, 2010 by 2J5M9K

[runamuk]

My mother doesn't know me at all and doesn't care to get to know me. We talk on the phone once a month and she asks how I'm doing and what's going on, but it's more a matter of form than because she really wants to know; she doesn't listen to the answers and takes the first opportunity to talk about herself.

[TravelingChris]

I chose other because my mom died when I was 23.

[MamaT]

I chose barely. My mom has never been interested in anything that doesn't have to do with her. She is the most self-centered person I know. She has never tried to "know" me. If I didn't call her every once in a while, I don't think I would ever hear from her.

[kpupg]

Anyway, so I was wondering how well other people feel *known* by their Moms.

 

My mother thinks she knows me well, but she knows me less well than she knows her friends from church. We are almost polar opposite personality types. If you're familiar with Myers-Briggs, I'm INTJ and she is ESFJ. Ships in the night. And yet, she can't see that ... sigh ... she tries so hard, but ... when your assumptions are wrong from the start, well, it doesn't work out so well, does it ... :(

[swellmomma]

We talk several times a week, sometimes daily BUT she never truly listens. SHe prefers to put her own spin on what she thinks is going on in my life/head which means she really doesn't know me at all. She likes to believe I am still the same person I was at 16 and she didn't even know me back then but she thinks she did. I am a completely different person than I was at 16, so if she didn't get me then and still acts like I am that person she really doesn't get me now.

 

Like a pp mentioned, I do not like my mother as a person, but she loves the kids and they love her so I keep up the relationship. I doubt she will ever really know me.

[Krista in LA]

My mom doesn't know me half as well as she thinks she does. Matter of fact, I answered so-so in the poll, but it's probably less than that as I think about it. She even laughed at me one time when I mentioned being introverted as she doesn't think I am at all and I am the most introverted person I know. Our phone conversations start out with me trying to tell her about something going on in my life before she quickly changes the subject to her latest shopping trip or their cat. It did get better after she retired though - now I don't have to listen to stories about people she works with that I don't even know.

 

My dad, on the other hand, knows me very well. We are similar in many ways and often have great phone conversations that last a couple hours.

[Jackie in NE]

I chose barely. My mom has never been interested in anything that doesn't have to do with her. She is the most self-centered person I know. She has never tried to "know" me. If I didn't call her every once in a while, I don't think I would ever hear from her.

 

Ditto for me. And I'm frankly surprised to see how many of us do not have a relationship with our mother. It makes me so sad. It is a void that I have always felt very strongly. It has made me vow to be a better mother. I don't want my dc to feel the way I do. :crying:

[SquirrellyMama]

I chose other, because there was not an option for "she THINKS she knows me very well."

 

She does have a fair understanding of my personality, but many of our core values are pretty different, so she really doesn't understand the motivations behind my choices. But she talks to others as though she *thinks* she understands me perfectly.

 

I really understand this!

[Tap]

I say SO-SO but I don't know if it is that she doesn't know me....or just doesn't agree with me. We aren't very close, and while we have an amicable relationship, we don't agree on much in life.

 

She is always trying to tell me how to do things, but her ideas are predictably the exact opposite of how I would handle the situation. I am big on accountablity, she is big on excuses why to not do something.

[chaik76]

I voted so-so only because I try not to tell mom many details about my life. BUT, she knows my personality extremely well. Very, very well.

[SquirrellyMama]

I say SO-SO but I don't know if it is that she doesn't know me....or just doesn't agree with me. We aren't very close, and while we have an amicable relationship, we don't agree on much in life.

 

She is always trying to tell me how to do things, but her ideas are predictably the exact opposite of how I would handle the situation. I am big on accountablity, she is big on excuses why to not do something.

 

I have this problem with my mom too. She's big into the victim excuse while I try to find out what I did in a particular situation to cause my misery. We also have very different outlooks on life.