s/o Reciprocating invitations

[regentrude]

In the thread about introverts hosting, statements like "I always go to other people's places. I don't want anyone in our home" got me wondering: is it no longer considered good manners to reciprocate invitations? Does being an introvert give a pass from what I thought was basic courtesy?

Over the years, I have hosted countless dinners, drinks parties, big garden parties, and most of the people who happily come to my house as guests have NEVER reciprocated. I do not mind hosting, and I am not expecting tis-for-tat, but once in a while it would sure be nice to be on the receiving end of an invitation. Is that no longer a thing?

 

[SKL]

I felt this way about kids' get-togethers such as sleepovers.  I didn't let my kids go until my house was in a condition to also host.  (We had had construction and smell issues for years.)

As for parties ... the logic holds up, but I think it may be looser.  We've hosted some parties in our home, but it's been a long time.  We have friends who host at least one or two big parties every year, and they expect us to come.  We do provide some of the food for their party.

We have an unusual situation - we own some event centers that we can use for hosting our friends.  That is much preferable (to me) to having a lot of people over to my house.  So I guess that is why we've gotten away with not hosting at home recently.

I have to decide what, if anything, we're going to do about my kids' high school graduation.  I guess I'll probably have to throw a party of some sort ....

[regentrude]

4 minutes ago, SKL said:

I felt this way about kids' get-togethers such as sleepovers.  I didn't let my kids go until my house was in a condition to also host.  (We had had construction and smell issues for years.)

With kids sleepovers, I didn't have a problem being the house that had bonus kids stay all the time. It was important to me to be THAT house, especially in the teen years. I realize that not everyone has the conditions to host and supervise sleepovers ... but - dinner? 

[Pawz4me]

If we need to reciprocate we usually ask the hosts to join us for brunch, lunch, or dinner at a restaurant. We pick up the tab, of course.

[Kassia]

10 minutes ago, Pawz4me said:

If we need to reciprocate we usually ask the hosts to join us for brunch, lunch, or dinner at a restaurant. We pick up the tab, of course.

great solution

[marbel]

I have found this to be true too. We have hosted many people, groups large and small, and rarely did anyone invite us to their house. There was one couple who took us out to dinner occasionally which was their form of reciprocation.  

I'm sure this is not universal, but I've heard many people say they are too embarrassed by their house to have people over.  Also not having good enough cooking skills, or not having a budget for company-worthy food.  I have always lived in a pretty shabby house so I figured that would make people more comfortable inviting me/my husband over, but it hasn't worked out that way. 

There are a few people I haven't wanted to have in my house after a first or second time, but am OK spending time with: a guy who poked around corners too much and made "helpful" comments on how we could fix things up, but whose wife we liked. A couple who didn't have food restrictions but were super fussy about food and drink being "done right" and I didn't feel like trying to serve them food ever again. We would meet them out and buy dinner. 

After Covid, I didn't return to my old habits of hosting. A lot of friendships fell away because of the pandemic and some other things that happened before that, so our circle became smaller. Now it's mostly lunches or drinks/snacks in restaurants/bars. 

Edited December 23, 2023 by marbel

[teachermom2834]

We used to get together with a family that lived in a trailer while their house was being built. We would always host but they would show up with the entire meal sometimes. So we were just opening our door and they were bringing everything and of course would help clean up etc. 

I have other people I always host and always provide the bulk of the food and drinks and I clean up etc. 

I don’t mind hosting and sometimes one house really does make more sense than another. But, in my opinion and experience, having the guests in that situation acknowledge it and do something like bringing a whole meal sometime makes a world of difference. I do think a lot of etiquette conventions have just evaporated but it doesn’t change the fact that people have feelings and being courteous still goes a long way. 

[Rosie_0801]

Dd and I have dinner with her bestie's family most Fridays. Me hosting would be impractical for several reasons, but I've spent the petrol money, dutifully bring ice cream and she gets all my best school-ish hand-me-downs and any interesting edible plant I've got my hands on.

That is what we can do, so that is what we do.

[Pawz4me]

The couple who hosts us the most does so because they enjoy having people over so much. Cooking and hosting is just what they do, like a part of their personality or something. It's like a hobby. They can have ten things going on on a given weekend, but if they aren't having somebody over to eat then (according to them) they're "not doing anything." I don't think they give a fig about reciprocation, really. It's like if I volunteer to pet sit. I do it because I enjoy it so much, it's fun for me. I don't feel that the person I'm doing it for has any obligation to reciprocate.

But the people we socialize with are almost all family or very long term friends, who all know each other extremely well. It would certainly be different with new friends, entertaining co-workers, things like that.

[marbel]

56 minutes ago, regentrude said:

. I do not mind hosting, and I am not expecting tis-for-tat, but once in a while it would sure be nice to be on the receiving end of an invitation. Is that no longer a thing?

Adding... I also was happy to host, and also was not expecting tit-for-tat, but it made me kinda sad and - I'm not sure of the word, insecure maybe? - that people seemed happy to come to us but didn't want us to come to them. I get differences in budget and all that. But to come to my house multiple times and never once invite us to theirs or do something with us out... well it kinda hurt. It did make me wonder whether they were real friendships. 

I suppose if it had been acknowledged, or people had done some of the things mentioned above it would have helped. 

[Faith-manor]

1 hour ago, regentrude said:

In the thread about introverts hosting, statements like "I always go to other people's places. I don't want anyone in our home" got me wondering: is it no longer considered good manners to reciprocate invitations? Does being an introvert give a pass from what I thought was basic courtesy?

Over the years, I have hosted countless dinners, drinks parties, big garden parties, and most of the people who happily come to my house as guests have NEVER reciprocated. I do not mind hosting, and I am not expecting tis-for-tat, but once in a while it would sure be nice to be on the receiving end of an invitation. Is that no longer a thing?

 

It is no longer a thing. We used to host soooo much, especially when we were still Christians. We had a bible study class that met here every Sunday night from September -May off two straight years, and as the hosts, there was an expectation by the church that we would provide snacks and beverages every single time. And we did it gracefully and cheerfully for two years. Then ds and I were in a car accident, badly injured. Mark told the church that we needed to take a year off. The 25 people (3 singles, and 11 couples all adults) dropped us like hot potatoes. We were never invited anywhere, and when the church was trying to organize some meals, not one of them volunteered.

When we left the religion, we tried to make friends through secular pursuits. Again, we hosted A LOT, but never received any invitations. We didn't host with an expectation, but we what we did discover is that most people socialize only if someone else organizes it and pulls it off at all times. Most would rather give up socializing than offer to be involved with organization and execution of get togethers. meeting at restaurants dutch treat wasn't popular due to expense.

That is fine. I get it. Everyone leads a very hectic life. However, we were just getting burned out doing it. We stopped socializing and that group of friends dropped away. I have no idea if any of them still see each other or not. It would be sad if they don't, however, I don't have it in me to do the hostess gig anymore. Now that we have three "adopted" couples making our adult kids a total of four bio kids, two amazing kids by marriage, and six by choice I have enough on my plate. My family get togethers are now large enough and complicated enough that I am good. Everyone chips in to help when they arrive, some coming early for the purpose of being my personal elves, and we have a happy time. The two gals who are like my sisters have stood the test of time, and we very routinely talk on the phone, meet for coffee or lunch, to walk a trail together at the park. Sometimes we hit the quilt store together. 

So ya. In my experience, it just is not a thing. 

 

[Faith-manor]

59 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

Dd and I have dinner with her bestie's family most Fridays. Me hosting would be impractical for several reasons, but I've spent the petrol money, dutifully bring ice cream and she gets all my best school-ish hand-me-downs and any interesting edible plant I've got my hands on.

That is what we can do, so that is what we do.

See. I consider that a very reciprocal thing. You are doing what you can, appreciate them. 

I would host you and share your edible plants, but sadly, I don't think you can bring plants to the USA for dinner! 😁

[KungFuPanda]

I think reciprocation is nice, but not always necessary or practical. I hosted more than most over the years.  People were used to coming to my house for dance and homeschooling classes so everyone knew the way, I’m centrally located, have the space, and have zero anxiety about getting things perfect before guests arrive. My house is also the accessible one so that was huge.  
 

The reciprocity comes in when I go somewhere with friends. They all know where I am and offer to puck me up. I love not driving places! My friends also brought goodies and my family always enjoyed whatever random hostess treat showed up. 

[wintermom]

I know of no "rule" stating that social invitations much be reciprocated. Unless it's an organized group where people take turns hosting, then hosting a gathering is voluntary with no expectation of recieving an invitation from everyone who attended.

[marbel]

3 minutes ago, wintermom said:

I know of no "rule" stating that social invitations much be reciprocated. Unless it's an organized group where people take turns hosting, then hosting a gathering is voluntary with no expectation of recieving an invitation from everyone who attended.

Well no, there's no "rule" about it. But in my experience, there used to be a social expectation that hospitality would be reciprocated in some way.  And of course if people don't want to invite people over unless they are certain there will be a reciprocal invitation in turn, they shouldn't invite people over. Which no one suggested anyone did?  I mean, the OP explicitly stated that there was no expectation. 

[Rosie_0801]

2 hours ago, Faith-manor said:

I would host you and share your edible plants, but sadly, I don't think you can bring plants to the USA for dinner! 😁

I don't have that kind of petrol money 😂 ✈️

[chocolate-chip chooky]

4 hours ago, regentrude said:

In the thread about introverts hosting, statements like "I always go to other people's places. I don't want anyone in our home" got me wondering: is it no longer considered good manners to reciprocate invitations? Does being an introvert give a pass from what I thought was basic courtesy?

Over the years, I have hosted countless dinners, drinks parties, big garden parties, and most of the people who happily come to my house as guests have NEVER reciprocated. I do not mind hosting, and I am not expecting tis-for-tat, but once in a while it would sure be nice to be on the receiving end of an invitation. Is that no longer a thing?

 

I'm one of the people from the other thread.

In my situation, it is rarely parties or events. It's just get-togethers, and usually very casual family or close friends things.

I do the driving, and I bring food and drinks. Everyone appreciates that I come to them, because we all live at least an hours' drive from each other.

If there's ever a situation where I really feel like more is needed, I'd take them out to a restaurant and pay.

I don't think I'm being impolite. 

[elegantlion]

We're introverts and, in the past, we just havevn't had the space to entertain. We have one friend that hosts fairly involved dinner parties with multiple guests. He enjoys hosting and we don't feel the need to reciprocate there. No one else who attends those parties does either, so it's not just us. We have another couple we've been trying to get together with for the last few month as a reciprocation. Illness and holidays have made that hard. 

In our new apartment, we set it up so we could entertain. Even so, the space is small and with additional seating pulled in, we can host maybe an additional 6-8 people, maybe 12 if the weather is nice and we use the patio. We also don't have a lot of cookware or a big grill, so food prep for groups is harder. It's out of our budget to cater. Potlucks are fine but again we limited on food staging areas. 

I do prefer to reciprocate hosting because I do like hosting small informal groups. 

[Faith-manor]

10 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

I don't have that kind of petrol money 😂 ✈️

Maybe we could paddle towards each other!

⛵️⛵️⛵️🏝

[Amethyst]

3 hours ago, Pawz4me said:

Cooking and hosting is just what they do, like a part of their personality or something. It's like a hobby. They can have ten things going on on a given weekend, but if they aren't having somebody over to eat then (according to them) they're "not doing anything." I don't think they give a fig about reciprocation, really. 

I find this to be a weak excuse when people say this. We love hosting and cooking, but it doesn’t mean reciprocation wouldn’t be appreciated. Like others have said, it can really make one feel insecure when you put out all that effort and no one ever makes any attempt at reciprocating. 
 

 

[teachermom2834]

As someone who hosts alot and understands there are reasons I think gestures of appreciation can go a long way. A hostess gift, calling on the way asking if you can stop and get anything, some random favor or kindness at another time- all things show that the hostess is seen and appreciated would go a long way in my case.

[regentrude]

Re space for entertaining, extra dishes, food prep:

I come from a country where people have way less living space than Americans. (700 Sq ft for our family of 4 was spacious) and they still entertain. People in one-room studio apartments entertain. 

If people don't have the space for parties of 20, surely almost everyone can fit 2-4 additional people. If people don't have a large table for a sit-down dinner, they have standing room for drinks and finger foods. If people don't have extra plates, they could ask a guest to bring some or pick up paper plates. 

I completely understand that people who have many kids, little kids, caregive for elderly, or are chronically ill can't host. But that's not what I am talking about. 

 

 

 

[Emba]

In my experience, few people do reciprocate.  I’ve invited many neighbors and people from church over and only a handful have asked us over to their houses. I don’t worry about it generally. And many times people do offer to bring something, so that helps.
 

 A lot of people aren’t comfortable with others in their home, for whatever reasons. I enjoy having company (and as an introvert, I prefer interactions on my turf, so to speak. Where I can take my nervous energy and use it on hosting activities like getting things ready, not fidgeting  around someone’s living room.)

[kbutton]

People here seem to socialize more by going out to eat, which we mostly haven’t been able to afford over the years. We have had some reciprocal relationships and some lopsided but friendly ones where we find ways to help out. In at least one case, the family was large enough that they tended to host because they had more stuff for the kids to do, etc. Or, they enjoy hosting or some combination.

We struggle to host for a variety of reasons that sometimes change, but the consistent one is DH’s work. Most of his shifts cut into our evenings, he works mostly longer/demanding shifts (so is exhausted after his shift), is not guaranteed to get off on time and then has a long-ish drive, and he works 50% of weekends and holidays. That doesn’t leave a lot of flexible options.

[SHP]

For those I know who don't feel comfortable or able to entertaining at home they set things up outside of their home at places like a park, restruant, or community center. 

I recieve fewer invitations now than I did precovid, but then I haven't hosted since precovid. The list of people I trust to be taking precautions is very short. The list of people I trust who are also local is even shorter. I am not shy or quiet about my views of those who brush covid off and don't take precautions and I suspect that plays a part as well. 

[Carol in Cal.]

I think that having folks over, particularly in a fairly formal way, has mostly fallen out of style.  

Covid pretty much stopped it dead for many of the stragglers, and now it’s pretty unusual.  

 

[regentrude]

1 minute ago, Carol in Cal. said:

I think that having folks over, particularly in a fairly formal way, has mostly fallen out of style.  

Covid pretty much stopped it dead for many of the stragglers, and now it’s pretty unusual.  

What I described in the OP goes back the 20 years I've lived here. Can't blame Covid 

[JennyD]

This reminds me one of my favorite Laurie Colwin quotes: 

“It is a fact of life that people give dinner parties, and when they invite you, you have to turn around and invite them back. Often they retaliate by inviting you again, and you must then extend another invitation. Back and forth you go, like Ping-Pong balls, and what you end up with is called social life.” 

This dynamic is still definitely a thing in my world -- we entertain a lot and also get a lot of invitations.   There are a few folks who have religious restrictions that make it complicated for us to reciprocate their dinner invitations by inviting them to us, but I try to figure out ways to reciprocate nonetheless.

 

[SHP]

46 minutes ago, regentrude said:

Re space for entertaining, extra dishes, food prep:

I come from a country where people have way less living space than Americans. (700 Sq ft for our family of 4 was spacious) and they still entertain. People in one-room studio apartments entertain. 

If people don't have the space for parties of 20, surely almost everyone can fit 2-4 additional people. If people don't have a large table for a sit-down dinner, they have standing room for drinks and finger foods. If people don't have extra plates, they could ask a guest to bring some or pick up paper plates. 

I completely understand that people who have many kids, little kids, caregive for elderly, or are chronically ill can't host. But that's not what I am talking about. 

 

Honestly? Some people live in squalor or near squalor and are ashamed. I don't know how common it is, but it is common enough. It's also not considered socially acceptable to live like that so people don't invite others. 

[Clarita]

I didn't know it was a thing to reciprocate. I love hosting and feeding people, even though I'm an introvert so we've hosted plenty of things. The thing with that is I also bought a house which is conducive to hosting and I know that's not at the top of everyone's list. Hosting is important to me and I know I have made decisions in my life to accommodate and so I would never ever expect anyone in particular to have made the same decisions. 

 

[PronghornD]

I grew up with a struggling single mom, and we simply could not manage to reciprocate, even in the old days when it was probably required. As a result, I have poorly developed hosting skills. And my husband has an obsession with having everything perfect when someone comes over. We do not do much entertaining.

[Bootsie]

I am an INTROVERT and DH is even a bigger introvert.  But, I enjoy hosting.  As an introvert, in many ways, I would prefer to host and be busy with hosting things than be at a larger party with a lot of people I don't know and need to make a lot of small talk.  Or as an introvert, I can control the size and have a smaller get together.  

I think it is more of a societal shift than an introvert/extrovert difference.  I think many people feel pressure that their home should look like it is being featured on HGTV, that there food should rival that of a gourmet restaurant, and that they must prepare for a wide range of health, allergy, and personal preference issues.  I am afraid as a society we are so used to being "entertained" that we think our hospitality skills of simply interacting and sharing with others are lacking.  

[Frances]

Reciprocation is definitely a thing where I live and not just for parties or dinners, but even visiting from out of town and staying overnight. I will say we do have friends who we invite over for dinner (just them) and they only ever invite us to group parties, but that’s still reciprocation. Even our quite elderly neighbors will insist we come over for tea and cookies if they’ve been over to our house for dinner or tea or we’ve brought them some treats or done other favors for them. It might take a few months to find a time that works for everyone, but it eventually happens. If we visit out of state friends and stay with them for a few days, we make sure they know they are welcome anytime to come and stay with us and almost always they eventually take us up in the offer.
 

My brother once told me that their best friends had never invited him and his wife over, despite being to their house literally hundreds of times. They finally straight out asked them about it and from then on they did get occasional invitations. It was still lopsided, but no longer 100 to zero.

[J-rap]

We enjoy hosting for dinners or inviting friends and family to come stay with us for awhile (if they live far away).  

I don't think reciprocating is so much an expected social thing anymore, but it seems like among our closer circle of friends, we do tend to take turns (not necessarily at each other's homes -- but at least planning something together, either at a restaurant or an event).  Sometimes for various reasons, it works out better to do it at one person's house instead of another.

If it's just a one-off (not necessarily good friends), that obligation to host in return doesn't seem to exist.

[Clarita]

I also think if I'm at the point of a friendship where I'm concerning myself with whether they are reciprocating, that's probably spelling the end of that friendship. After COVID, I stopped actively maintaining those types of friends.

I believe friendships should be reciprocated but that reciprocation doesn't have to be the same gesture.  

[gardenmom5]

50 minutes ago, Clarita said:

I also think if I'm at the point of a friendship where I'm concerning myself with whether they are reciprocating, that's probably spelling the end of that friendship. After COVID, I stopped actively maintaining those types of friends.

I believe friendships should be reciprocated but that reciprocation doesn't have to be the same gesture.  

do you expect A reciprocal gesture?  

[Carol in Cal.]

3 hours ago, regentrude said:

What I described in the OP goes back the 20 years I've lived here. Can't blame Covid 

Nope, Covid didn’t cause it, but it was the nail on the coffin.

[Ausmumof3]

I think it was during the last 15 years or so. When we first married we did try to host anyone who hosted us then we had little kids and a house that needed so much repair and it fell by the way. For me, it used to be a thing to do after church on Sunday but DH always resented losing his afternoon. And we live so far from church that it’s more of an imposition to ask people to drive to us than a favour. 
 

I am pretty open house to kids or DH friends as long as they take us as we are. If I host I tend to write myself off for about two weeks afterwards by overdoing everything. So in a way spur if the moment stuff is best because I don’t have time to get anxious and overdo everything.

[Laura Corin]

4 hours ago, JennyD said:

This reminds me one of my favorite Laurie Colwin quotes: 

“It is a fact of life that people give dinner parties, and when they invite you, you have to turn around and invite them back. Often they retaliate by inviting you again, and you must then extend another invitation. Back and forth you go, like Ping-Pong balls, and what you end up with is called social life.” 

This dynamic is still definitely a thing in my world -- we entertain a lot and also get a lot of invitations.   There are a few folks who have religious restrictions that make it complicated for us to reciprocate their dinner invitations by inviting them to us, but I try to figure out ways to reciprocate nonetheless.

 

This is how it is here. We only entertain a few people  - we are not wildly social  - but for those people, it's quite a strict back and forth, and any big gaps are explained ('Would next Saturday work for you? I'm sorry it's been so long - we were away visiting family/I don't know where the time went,  etc.')

[Clarita]

3 hours ago, gardenmom5 said:

do you expect A reciprocal gesture?  

No.

[Carrie12345]

I didn’t host much of anything in our old house due to space. Just having 1 or 2 people over felt like a real squeeze in a small house with lots of kids and pets even before taking clutter and such into account. We didn’t have much comfortable outdoor space, either. 

We hosted quite a bit more the first year in our new house with more indoor and outdoor space, but we pulled back again because we’ve been exhausted by other aspects of life lately.

I don’t have any expectations of being invited to others’ homes. I have friends with tiny houses who aren’t comfortable hosting and others who are. I have friends with large houses who throw large gatherings that are too overwhelming for me, but I have just them over for a quiet hangout.

I am happy to assume that someone who doesn’t reciprocate, so to speak, has a reason they don’t have to share, though they usually do. As someone who has experienced most of the reasons herself, my response is usually one of BOTH reassurance and acceptance. “Don’t worry about the space/mess/noise/meal/etc” never made me worry less and host more, lol. I do more of “I’ve been there and I don’t mind at all, but we/the kids can get together here if you’re free next weekend.”

So many people are working with limited bandwidth these days. It’s okay. 

[Indigo Blue]

14 hours ago, Faith-manor said:

Maybe we could paddle towards each other!

⛵️⛵️⛵️🏝

I’ll go with you. 😊

[Faith-manor]

Bandwidth is definitely an issue. As I said, people are spread fairly thin. But when it is, in our case, 80-0, and then when we had an emergency none of these people could be bothered to even pick up a phone or after providing food for 25, 80 times over, were uninterested in even helping to organize a meal, it hurt so much that there just was no point in resuming a social relationship with them. Done. 

I believe that it really is okay to take a break from hosting even if one does love a good dinner party. Just offer to meet for coffee or at a restaurant dutch. You can't have the long conversations or play games in these public forums, but that is fine. Let up on yourself and see what happens. Hopefully people were accepting your invitations from a place of true friendship, and will be happy with the arrangement, just glad to see you. If not, then at least you know and can make plans for how you want to handle things in the future.

[Bambam]

We hosted innumerable supper/game nights/movie marathons/mystery parties/etc here for my kid's friends when they were all teens. So many events. And two families hosted events - one two times, one one time.  I still hosted events because it was good for my kids and their friends to have events. We even did formal luncheons once a summer to help kids work on table manners, how to eat with extra flatware/etc. 

I never expected any other families to host anything although it was nice when they did. 

If I invite folks over for a meal, I do not expect them to do the same. I invite them over because we want them to come here and enjoy some time together. I haven't been able to do that much due to one anxious child and now there is so much chaos/various other things that I haven't been able to invite anyone for a long time. I sorta miss it. 

[Pawz4me]

2 minutes ago, Bambam said:

If I invite folks over for a meal, I do not expect them to do the same. I invite them over because we want them to come here and enjoy some time together.

This is definitely the vibe I get from the people who host us the most, that they're doing it because they enjoy it.

I'm going to post something that I hope won't get me attacked (remember it's Christmas Eve, y'all--discuss, but be kind). I'm afraid it's going to come across at least a little weird to the extroverts, and maybe downright crazy. But here's our introvert perspective -- The people I'm referring to in the first paragraph are extreme extroverts. They want to be around people all the time. So when they say "come over Saturday night" it almost feels like an obligation or burden, or that they're asking us to help them out, as much or more as it does something we'll benefit from and enjoy. There have been so many times we would have preferred to stay home or have a quiet meal in a restaurant by ourselves. But we feel like we're letting them down if we don't go. So we put on our game faces and go, when we'd prefer spending the time in a quieter, calmer environment. So it kind of feels like we're doing them a big favor, rather than them doing something for us that requires reciprocation. I'm not saying there's a wrong/right here (there's not), just trying to explain things from one introvert couple's perspective.

[regentrude]

29 minutes ago, Bambam said:

If I invite folks over for a meal, I do not expect them to do the same. I invite them over because we want them to come here and enjoy some time together. 

As I stated above, I don't expect tis-for-tat. I  invite because I enjoy the company of the people. But when I'm NEVER invited by the people who come to my house again and again, it gets old. And my -apparently antiquated? - understanding of manners says it's rude.

But as I learned, apparently me inviting people is considered a "burden" by them and they only show up to do me a favor and help me out??? The things I never knew. 

Edited December 24, 2023 by regentrude

[regentrude]

21 minutes ago, Pawz4me said:

This is definitely the vibe I get from the people who host us the most, that they're doing it because they enjoy it.

I'm going to post something that I hope won't get me attacked (remember it's Christmas Eve, y'all--discuss, but be kind). I'm afraid it's going to come across at least a little weird to the extroverts, and maybe downright crazy. But here's our introvert perspective -- The people I'm referring to in the first paragraph are extreme extroverts. They want to be around people all the time. So when they say "come over Saturday night" it almost feels like an obligation or burden, or that they're asking us to help them out, as much or more as it does something we'll benefit from and enjoy. There have been so many times we would have preferred to stay home or have a quiet meal in a restaurant by ourselves. But we feel like we're letting them down if we don't go. So we put on our game faces and go, when we'd prefer spending the time in a quieter, calmer environment. So it kind of feels like we're doing them a big favor, rather than them doing something for us that requires reciprocation. I'm not saying there's a wrong/right here (there's not), just trying to explain things from one introvert couple's perspective.

Why can you not communicate like adults and simply *tell* them instead of grudgingly going and letting them believe you are enjoying their company?

"Thanks so much for the invitation, but sorry, we already have plans." Simple. 

I would prefer to know if my guests only show up to "help me out" and consider my friendship to be a burden and quietly wish they didn't have to be here. I would end the suffering and stop the invitations if they create no joy.

Btw, I am married to a strong introvert and mother to extreme introvert, both of whom can communicate their preferences so we find a level of interacting everyone can be happy with. Because even extroverts like I are perfectly able to do this and don't wither away when the introverts in their life need a break.

Communication is key.

 

Edited December 24, 2023 by regentrude

[regentrude]

1 hour ago, Faith-manor said:

I believe that it really is okay to take a break from hosting even if one does love a good dinner party. Just offer to meet for coffee or at a restaurant dutch. You can't have the long conversations or play games in these public forums, but that is fine.

This. So many ways to reciprocate:

Want to meet for coffee, have a picnic at the park, grab lunch during work break, go for a walk together, have a drink on the porch?... none of which require fancy houses, extra dishes, cooking skills, money.

Which brings me full cycle to something I mentioned before: it's not just dinner invites. It's phone calls, messages, invites for casual meetups, ANY sign that my friendship is valued - if I don't reach out, I don't hear from people (with a handful of exceptions). There's no reciprocating there either.

This is the first year in my life I wrote zero Christmas letters, after usually sending dozens of handwritten letters (not photo cards with a signature) and never hearing back. Sure, y'all will tell me plenty of possible excuses, but if every single person cannot be bothered and I'm the only one who gives a fig, that hurts.

Edited December 24, 2023 by regentrude

[Pawz4me]

32 minutes ago, regentrude said:

Why can you not communicate like adults and simply *tell* them instead of grudgingly going and letting them believe you are enjoying their company?

 

We are quite capable of effective communication, and sometimes we do decline. And I never said we didn’t enjoy their company. Saying one would prefer to be doing something else doesn’t mean you’re not at least somewhat enjoying what you are doing. 

[regentrude]

2 minutes ago, Pawz4me said:

We are quite capable of effective communication, and sometimes we do decline. And I never said we didn’t enjoy their company. Saying one would prefer to be doing something else doesn’t mean you’re not at least somewhat enjoying what you are doing. 

Okay. It just didn't read like that from your previous post: 

"it almost feels like an obligation or burden, or that they're asking us to help them out, as much or more as it does something we'll benefit from and enjoy...it kind of feels like we're doing them a big favor"