Why do people lie about insignificant things?

[GracieJane]

Why do some people invent lies about verifiable facts in their lives? I‘m not judging, I’m really curious. Some people lie about small details (how much they spent on this present, how well they play piano, where they plan to vacation, that they “own” a vehicle they are only renting, etc.). I’m so puzzled by this, because these are all insignificant - but entirely verifiable- details. I’ve been in long, exciting conversations with someone about their plans for an upcoming job/book/concert and later on realize it was just a fabrication. My DH says this is because I’m very gullible and excited for people’s talents, but I think it’s because I truly can’t understand why anyone would lie about something so mundane and so of course I believe them! Explain this to me, armchair therapists. 

[Katy]

I do judge. I think most pathological liars have a personality disorder, an addiction, were raised in an abusive home, or all three. They don’t feel secure enough to tell the truth so they lie about everything. Avoid them. 

Edited March 8, 2022 by Katy
Typo

[Night Elf]

I've been through a period of my life where I lied about little things. I was embarrassed by my lack, not only of material items but intelligence. It was much easier to say I got an 'A' on that exam to make me look better than admit I got a 'C'. No my marriage wasn't great but that was no one's business. How much I spend is also I don't tell the truth about. I don't want people judging me going either way, i.e. wow you spent that much on that?? Why?? or goodness, you don't seem to value that much do you? So I just try to answer how I think the listener wants to hear it.

I also turned into a liar and manipulator with my eating disorder. I'm not proud of that fact. That wasn't to impress anyone. That was to keep my secrets of either not eating enough so DH wouldn't angry and yell at me, or that I was eating too much, in which case he'd remind me that I keep saying I want to lose weight and I'll never do that if I keep overeating. He tries to be supportive but this has been going on so long that I think he's tired of being gentle with me. As my binging and hiding food are not nearly as prevalent as they once were, the lying has slowed way down and I have to say a quick prayer when I feel myself wanting to lie. He doesn't like when I withhold information from him either. He says that's a lie by omission. They all want me to be held accountable but it's very difficult to show so many flaws in my character.

[Jean in Newcastle]

You must hang around with different people than I do. With the exception of a couple pathological liars, most people I know are pretty honest. Now, they might overestimate their piano playing abilities but I don’t see that as a lie. And I could see someone saying that a leased car was “theirs “ when technically it belongs to the leasing company. But it sounds like you are describing something different?  

[SKL]

I have wondered the same thing.  I remember my SIL told me "oh yes, I made sure all my kids know how to swim," and later her kids told me they couldn't swim.  Why?  There were other instances with that SIL also.  I do think she was trying to impress or not be judged in case I would consider her a bad parent for not having swimming kids.

It's also possible that we have different understandings of what is "truth."  For one thing, there are different definitions of "swim," right?  And just about everything else.  For another thing, some family cultures talk in hyperbole and other fun styles that they assume others will just understand.  I wouldn't consider it a lie to say "I've been up and down this road a hundred times" if it was really only 17 times.  I would assume you knew I didn't actually mean 100 times.

I have to catch myself a lot.  I have a friend who way overuses "always" and "never," and I complain about that, but then I can be heard using "always" and "never" in other not-exactly-factual situations.  Why is it OK in some cases and not others?  Again, I think it's a cultural nuance.

[SKL]

Another thing - I went most of my life being very particular about not "lying," as in intentionally telling a falsehood that someone else would believe to be true.  However, when overwhelmed with a number of life things, and unable to deal with the long critical lectures, fights, judgment, etc., I started to fib about things that you would probably consider insignificant.  For example "how many more reports do you have still to do for Client X?" Fact:  out of 15 projects involving 20 entities each of which requires 3 reports, I still have to complete 3 projects involving 6 entities, one of which is in process.  So my answer is "two."  Two projects that I haven't started yet.  To answer a larger number would mean being told off for a half hour, putting me into a funk, and making my work take at least an hour longer than it needs to take, keeping me from my other work, from my kids, and from sleep.  So, "two, and I'm on my way upstairs to get them done asap, bye!"

I do hate this, and I'm trying not to do it any more.  But I can't say it never happens in any context.

[GracieJane]

9 minutes ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

You must hang around with different people than I do. With the exception of a couple pathological liars, most people I know are pretty honest. Now, they might overestimate their piano playing abilities but I don’t see that as a lie. And I could see someone saying that a leased car was “theirs “ when technically it belongs to the leasing company. But it sounds like you are describing something different?  

I agree, most people are pretty honest. But I know a few people who lie consistently about really silly things: e.g. one person told me they were going to attend such-and-such event, where they were getting tickets, when it would take place, etc. Of course, I get excited in response to their joy and chat for ten minutes with them about this cool thing. On the way home, I mention it to DH, and he laughs and says “of course they aren’t going to that event, the tickets are x dollars”. And he’s right, they don’t go. It’s like the whole thing should be issued a disclaimer “this is the thing I wish were true but I’m talking as though it will happen”.

[TABmom]

I know someone who seems to lie all the time, but I think she’s just wrong. All. The. Time. My dd wants to play the flute. This woman told her it would make her fingers crooked. In front of her, I was like “that is NOT true.” She doubled down showing us her fingers and said it was from playing the flute. She played for 6 months 40 years ago. She has told me that they increased sub pay to $100/day. They did not. She insisted that someone we knew lived on a certain block. They don’t. She won’t be disagreed with. With the where the kid lived conversation, she said “A lives in one of those houses.” I said, “no, he lives next door to the church.” “Well, they must have moved.” “No, I went to a garage sale at his house just a few months ago.” She refused to accept it. I just let things go- but she is either lying or just wrong most of the time. I have no idea why.

[GracieJane]

7 minutes ago, SKL said:

Another thing - I went most of my life being very particular about not "lying," as in intentionally telling a falsehood that someone else would believe to be true.  However, when overwhelmed with a number of life things, and unable to deal with the long critical lectures, fights, judgment, etc., I started to fib about things that you would probably consider insignificant.  For example "how many more reports do you have still to do for Client X?" Fact:  out of 15 projects involving 20 entities each of which requires 3 reports, I still have to complete 3 projects involving 6 entities, one of which is in process.  So my answer is "two."  Two projects that I haven't started yet.  To answer a larger number would mean being told off for a half hour, putting me into a funk, and making my work take at least an hour longer than it needs to take, keeping me from my other work, from my kids, and from sleep.  So, "two, and I'm on my way upstairs to get them done asap, bye!"

I do hate this, and I'm trying not to do it any more.  But I can't say it never happens in any context.

I understand this, because this is actually a “useful” fib, in the sense that telling the truth would prolong your day and be annoying. It’s the random lies people tell without incentive that are truly odd to me.

[Scarlett]

I don't think I have been around a lot of people who actually lie.  But there are a few people in my life who often leave me scratching my head because I feel like I am not getting the entire story and then later I might learn the missing pieces and I think 'oooooh, now it makes sense.'

My former MIL though....wow.  She lied about so much.  Visions of grandeur and all that. 

[lulalu]

A husband and wife I know both lie ALL the time. And each of their children are liars too. About little stuff, big stuff, you just can never take what they say as truth. One spouse will say the exact opposite, so who do I believe? 

Their one boy that is my DS age is always running up to me to verify what DS has told him. I finally wasn't the nicest person and just told him my DS is an honest boy and is telling you the truth, you are always asking me to verify what he says, but he always tells you the truth. The lies from this family drive me crazy. 

I don't understand why some lie over little things. I really feel it is an attention thing in some people. 

[Guest]

I dated a guy who did this. It was so baffling. He would lie about things I would definitely know later and I have a really good memory for those sort of details. So he would say Chinese food was his favorite and then, on another occasion, he would say all he’s ever had were egg rolls. He lied about his birthday, ie., yeah, my birthday is May 10th, and then May 10th would come and I learned his birthday was in October. 
 

We didn’t last, lol. One of my friends started dating him and then I could see his lying from a 3rd person perspective. That’s when I realized he really was doing this all the time. 

[Harriet Vane]

2 hours ago, Night Elf said:

I've been through a period of my life where I lied about little things. I was embarrassed by my lack, not only of material items but intelligence. It was much easier to say I got an 'A' on that exam to make me look better than admit I got a 'C'. No my marriage wasn't great but that was no one's business. How much I spend is also I don't tell the truth about. I don't want people judging me going either way, i.e. wow you spent that much on that?? Why?? or goodness, you don't seem to value that much do you? So I just try to answer how I think the listener wants to hear it.

I also turned into a liar and manipulator with my eating disorder. I'm not proud of that fact. That wasn't to impress anyone. That was to keep my secrets of either not eating enough so DH wouldn't angry and yell at me, or that I was eating too much, in which case he'd remind me that I keep saying I want to lose weight and I'll never do that if I keep overeating. He tries to be supportive but this has been going on so long that I think he's tired of being gentle with me. As my binging and hiding food are not nearly as prevalent as they once were, the lying has slowed way down and I have to say a quick prayer when I feel myself wanting to lie. He doesn't like when I withhold information from him either. He says that's a lie by omission. They all want me to be held accountable but it's very difficult to show so many flaws in my character.

Beth, that took real courage to share that. Thank you for offering your perspective. 

[Corraleno]

I've only known one person who just constantly lied about everything, including totally meaningless things, which I found really puzzling. He was a smart guy, wealthy, had a good career, but every word out of his mouth was either a gross exaggeration or just a blatant outright lie — from where he lived and what he had for lunch to things like all the exotic places he'd visited, dangerous situations he'd extricated himself from, famous people he knew, etc. He seemed super insecure and childlike in a way — more like a little kid who tells you that they're really a super hero and just got back from Mars, rather than the typical cocky big shot who always needs to be the center of attention. I felt sorry for him.

OTOH, I've known a lot of people who exaggerate their wealth, credentials, accomplishments, and that sort of thing, but don't lie about trivial stuff like what they had for lunch or where they've traveled. My ex's entire family are like that — e.g. claiming to have a degree from Oxford when they really just took a couple of courses through the Community Extension program, or claiming to be good friends with someone famous that they met a few times, exaggerating awards and accomplishments, pretending to have a lot more money than they do, etc. They all seem very dependent on other people's opinion for their own self image. 

[pitterpatter]

Pathological liars and compulsive liars are different. I have much experience with the latter (I think the latter, anyway). It's a coping mechanism.

[pitterpatter]

Oh, it seems they just aren't capable of telling the truth in some situations. Like can't. You literally have to not care that they are lying to you to have a relationship with them.

[mathnerd]

1 hour ago, pitterpatter said:

Pathological liars and compulsive liars are different. I have much experience with the latter (I think the latter, anyway). It's a coping mechanism.

I hope that it is ok to ask, what the difference between the two is on this thread ...

I know a person abused as a child and still lies about everything into adulthood even though they are living alone, away from their abusive family and have a great career surrounded by nice and smart people.

Another person lies about their kids' accomplishments (kid taking violin lessons for the past 6 months, in Suzuki Prep level, and parent saying they applied to the Menuhin competition and the kid will perform in Carnegie Hall this summer), their kids' college prospects (apparently Harvard and MIT are vying to recruit their 12 year old middle schooler), their wealth (says they are worth many millions but lives a lifestyle that makes me doubt that fact - this included having huge debts and house loans) etc. All of this is unsolicited information and totally volunteered to the listener. I smile, nod, say that it is awesome and leave. They then text me more such lies. Delusions of Grandeur? Or is it Narcissism? Or a personality disorder?

What is the difference between a Compulsive and Pathological liar? Is it the motivation to lie? Thanks!

Edited March 9, 2022 by mathnerd

[GracieJane]

1 hour ago, Corraleno said:

I've only known one person who just constantly lied about everything, including totally meaningless things, which I found really puzzling. He was a smart guy, wealthy, had a good career, but every word out of his mouth was either a gross exaggeration or just a blatant outright lie — from where he lived and what he had for lunch to things like all the exotic places he'd visited, dangerous situations he'd extricated himself from, famous people he knew, etc. He seemed super insecure and childlike in a way — more like a little kid who tells you that they're really a super hero and just got back from Mars, rather than the typical cocky big shot who always needs to be the center of attention. I felt sorry for him.

OTOH, I've known a lot of people who exaggerate their wealth, credentials, accomplishments, and that sort of thing, but don't lie about trivial stuff like what they had for lunch or where they've traveled. My ex's entire family are like that — e.g. claiming to have a degree from Oxford when they really just took a couple of courses through the Community Extension program, or claiming to be good friends with someone famous that they met a few times, exaggerating awards and accomplishments, pretending to have a lot more money than they do, etc. They all seem very dependent on other people's opinion for their own self image. 

That’s what I mean! Someone told me they had graduated from x school and I was truly interested and had a great conversation with them about their plans relating to their field of study and how they liked the campus. I found out later (from the person’s spouse) that they had taken *one* class, which they dropped midway through the semester. So now we both look dumb: they, because they lied about a totally verifiable fact and I, because I was super interested and followed up their interest in succeeding conversations. Just tell the truth people! Nobody will begrudge you for it. 😄

[kbutton]

4 hours ago, TABmom said:

I know someone who seems to lie all the time, but I think she’s just wrong. All. The. Time. My dd wants to play the flute. This woman told her it would make her fingers crooked. In front of her, I was like “that is NOT true.” She doubled down showing us her fingers and said it was from playing the flute. She played for 6 months 40 years ago. She has told me that they increased sub pay to $100/day. They did not. She insisted that someone we knew lived on a certain block. They don’t. She won’t be disagreed with. With the where the kid lived conversation, she said “A lives in one of those houses.” I said, “no, he lives next door to the church.” “Well, they must have moved.” “No, I went to a garage sale at his house just a few months ago.” She refused to accept it. I just let things go- but she is either lying or just wrong most of the time. I have no idea why.

This strikes me as a form of cognitive rigidity as well as lying. 

[Tap]

I have a friend who was dating a coworker. She didn't realize what a liar he was until they started dating. I will make up this example (lol lie about it), to make sure the story isn't identifiable.  He would come to work and embellish things to others, and not really think about what an awkward position it was putting her in.  So, maybe they would go out for dinner and they would have something fairly common like seafood pasta. He would come in to work and talk about the amazing lobster and scallops dinner they had. Maybe adding on talking about the fancy cocktails they had (leaving off that they were a premade mixer they had at home). Or the phenomenal dessert they ordered, which was really from the grocery store or costco. It was hard for her, because she either had to fess up and tell people the actual truth, or let others realize he wasn't really presenting the truth.

He was very, very into money and brands, but also afraid to spend it. So, he would make things seem like he lived lavishly, but in reality, he didn't actually live the life he presented to the world. He did buy an expensive BMW, but is so afraid to drive it, that it sits in his garage. It is 7+ years old, and has less that 15,000 miles on it.  Ironically, he has a Youtube channel, but that is actually fairly legit, because he is filming himself doing things, so he can't lie about them. HAHAHA

Just in case you think she was dating him for who he pretended to be....she makes 3-4 times what he makes and wages are completely transparent in our jobs, so it wasn't a secret. She has a doctorate and is very down to earth and non-pretentious. Most of her clothes come from Fred Meyer or Costco.  He is the one, who always wants things to appear to be more than they really are.

Edited March 9, 2022 by Tap

[Terabith]

I will admit that I do occasionally lie to make a social situation easier or less awkward.  So, for example, today I dropped off comics for a friend who is developmentally delayed, like we do every week.  My husband and kids were in the car, and we were on our way to get takeout, but the man's mom (friend who is developmentally delayed is like my age) wanted me to come in and chat about her knitting.  I oohhed and ahhed over her project, but after a couple minutes I said I had to go because my youngest had to get to work.  Normally, that would be true on Tuesdays, but not this week.  But it seemed nicer and easier to have an obligation rather than just not wanting to leave everyone hanging while she chats and visits.  

[gardenmom5]

some are self-deluded and think they're telling the truth, or what they wish was the truth.

One guy I knew . . . he was a con artist. (One who eventually did it for reasons of greed.)  yeah - lie about sheep of all things.  I barely knew the guy, but I remember with 100% certainly knowing he was trying to con me . . . . . 
He'd recently married a woman of my acquaintance.  A few weeks after that above conversation, her life was turned upside down when he called to tell her he'd been arrested for fraud.  He was eventually sentenced to six years in prison.

[SKL]

Reading these stories reminds me of people I used to work with, LOL.

I don't know if they lied in their personal lives, but they told a lot of convenience lies at work.  It used to drive me nuts.  Especially when it involved taking credit from or laying blame on me!

They hired this one guy in to eventually be my "boss."  He got hired by pretending he was great friends with every CEO, CFO, and tax director at every potential client within driving distance.  Truth is, he was just really good at remembering names.  Nobody could stand him.  They finally fired him after several years of paying him more than his work efforts would ever generate.

And even the bosses that I liked ... they would occasionally lie to get out of trouble or get a better review/raise.  Sometimes they sucked me into these lies and I had to choose between loyalty and honesty.  Hated that.

But being honest is sometimes not what people want.  That was another thing I struggled with.  I would have thought people would rather you told them the truth, but no, not always.  And I don't just mean those "do I look good in this" questions.  I mean being expected to pretend you're comfortable with or good at something that really isn't you.  Hiding your humble beginnings.  Pretending you've got lots of experience doing something you've never done ever.  Ugh no wonder that job gave me white hairs.  😛

[2squared]

I’ve been telling my kids that they don’t owe others the truth if others are asking for personal information. Sometimes my kids don’t know how to sidestep nosey kid questions, so I tell them to lie. I am teaching my kids that they aren’t obligated to share information just because others ask, so I don’t consider these lies to be a moral failing. 

An example…..My kid has an appointment so he/she misses school, but kid doesn’t want classmates to know about about the appointment. We make up a lie to tell the classmates where he/she was during the missed school time.

 

[SKL]

About the ignorant questions ....

I had a friend who was adopted from Country A.  She got so annoyed with the questions, she started telling people big whoppers.  Sometimes she'd switch it up to being adopted from Country B, where there was guerilla warfare at the time, and she would invent some scary scenario about how she was abducted at gunpoint during a coup or something.  I only know this because she told me after we became friends ... before that, I might have been one of the people she'd fibbed to.  😛

And I agree that there are things nobody has a right to know.  I prefer to use approaches that don't involve lying though.  Usually "why do you want to know?" works.  The other day my kids said they needed my annual income figure for something they were doing at school.  I told them that's personal info and nobody at school needs to know it.  Unfortunately they'd already answered other prying questions such as how many household members, how old I am, and my marital status.  😕

Edited March 9, 2022 by SKL

[Clarita]

I've known one person who lies all the time. This was serious and probably a mental illness though. She would lie about everything from whether she had chicken or beef last night to hitmen are out to get us. The only way to be her friend was to assume nothing was true. Of course, we stopped being friends after the hitmen incident. Pathological or compulsive I have no idea, I just have my limits.

I hid the truth for a long time from people. I found out at marriage therapy I have abandonment issues. (I'm better now. My husband and I worked really hard on this.) I was lying about certain things because I wanted to tell people what they wanted to know or be who they wanted me to be so they wouldn't leave me. 

Otherwise, I know people under-exaggerate and overexaggerate so they can belong to a group. It doesn't feel good to be the odd person out, so I absolutely understand people lying to be "more like the group". I want my closest friends to know they can be real with me no matter how different we may be. For associates or not super close friends I let them lie and hide information from me. Especially since it doesn't matter whether they really stayed at the resort or not. Or were really drafted or not for professional sports.  

 

[kiwik]

I had a friend who used to indulge in "recreational lying".  She had a great time seeing what she could get people to believe.  

[Laura Corin]

I remember lying occasionally when I was very young.  It was always when I was embarrassed about something I had done and couldn't face up to it.  I would guess that that would carry on being a motivation for some people, even for minor things - like spending a bit more money than they had intended, for example.

Edited March 9, 2022 by Laura Corin

[Melissa in Australia]

8 hours ago, mathnerd said:

I hope that it is ok to ask, what the difference between the two is on this thread ...

I know a person abused as a child and still lies about everything into adulthood even though they are living alone, away from their abusive family and have a great career surrounded by nice and smart people.

 

 

this background suggests that the lying is a  brain  survival thing, for self protection . It might not make much  sense to someone who hasn't studied or worked with people who have experienced extreme trauma as a child. the trauma  affects how the brain grows and in some their brain has an overriding fight or flight reaction happening most of the time. so they lie as a survival technique. the person most probably isn't aware that they do it and hasn't much control over it.

[DawnM]

My current principal accused me of lying to her and I got SO ANGRY.   I am nothing if not dependable and honest (to a fault at work!) and I pride myself on it.   She was WRONG but she still to this day thinks I was not honest.   It makes me so mad.

However, I do see a difference in blatant lying and just not revealing all the information in a situation where the other person simply does not need to know the details and may be getting a little nosy.   I sometimes default to, "I am not sure" or "I don't know" because I don't want to get into a "None of your business" situation.   And the honest truth is I don't know the entire situation.   I may know parts, but rarely do I know all.

But I do know what you are talking about.   DH's brother can be that way......lying about ridiculous stuff.  We used to spend some time with him in CA but that ended when he got mad at US for some truths coming out and his lies being revealed.   Long story short......he lied to his girlfriend and told her that his ex-wife and kids were in another country (where she was from) and that the FBI were on the case and he was going to get the kids extradited and Brough back to him, etc.......   Girlfriend was at our house and found a photo album of us with his ex-wife and kids, who lived in the next town over and he KNEW it.   That day did not end well......but it was OUR fault that the truth came out, not his for lying.  🙄

[Scarlett]

2 hours ago, DawnM said:

My current principal accused me of lying to her and I got SO ANGRY.   I am nothing if not dependable and honest (to a fault at work!) and I pride myself on it.   She was WRONG but she still to this day thinks I was not honest.   It makes me so mad.

However, I do see a difference in blatant lying and just not revealing all the information in a situation where the other person simply does not need to know the details and may be getting a little nosy.   I sometimes default to, "I am not sure" or "I don't know" because I don't want to get into a "None of your business" situation.   And the honest truth is I don't know the entire situation.   I may know parts, but rarely do I know all.

But I do know what you are talking about.   DH's brother can be that way......lying about ridiculous stuff.  We used to spend some time with him in CA but that ended when he got mad at US for some truths coming out and his lies being revealed.   Long story short......he lied to his girlfriend and told her that his ex-wife and kids were in another country (where she was from) and that the FBI were on the case and he was going to get the kids extradited and Brough back to him, etc.......   Girlfriend was at our house and found a photo album of us with his ex-wife and kids, who lived in the next town over and he KNEW it.   That day did not end well......but it was OUR fault that the truth came out, not his for lying.  🙄

Ha.That is funny. My best friends first husband was a compulsive liar.  Usually to cover up his cheating, but it was ridiculous at times.  One time friend followed him to a hotel and when he was caught with his girlfriend he tried to say he wasn’t in the room with her overnight but only went to her room to borrow some hairspray. 🙄🙄🙄🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

[LuvToRead]

I know someone like this.  A while back she asked how my trip to the homeschool convention was.  I have never been to a homeschool convention ever and told her.  She literally argued with me and said I had gone to one because my mom had told her I had.  My mom barely talks to this person and when I asked her my mom was as clueless as me.   You may be thinking she confused me with another homeschooler - but homeschooling is very rare where I live so I doubt it.  I wouldn't be surprised if I am the only homeschooler she knows.  She has since moved so I never interact with her anymore.

All her lies are like this -- they literally are not about her convenience or even making herself look better.  Just weird off the wall lies.  She also once told me my SIL made big money - which my SIL did not.  She was a single mom (who received no child support) with 2 jobs.  Trust me, if she made big money at her full time job she would not have taken a second job.

[Carrie12345]

“Insignificant things”

Based on my experience with a large cast of questionable characters, and then learning a lot about trauma, I’d argue that the things these people tend to lie about ARE significant… to them. For a variety of reasons, depending on their experiences and perceived needs.

So someone who might “inexplicably” lie about money likely has an issue with money or how they think people perceive money, just as a very basic example.  Maybe like a child showing off an item to gain peer approval.  Or maybe someone who grew up without financial security and feels compelled to signal they’ve overcome… even if they might not have. Or maybe trying to distract from their deeper flaws.  Or any number of reasons, but it’s meeting a need in the moment, so they ignore the idea that they could possibly be fact checked. The moment carries more weight than whatever might come after.
Impulse control does tend to be an issue for people who struggle with honesty.

[YaelAldrich]

A mother of someone dear to me is an inveterate liar.  The most recent and blatant lie was to my daughter (15 yo) to went to visit her.  We keep kosher and have for over 26 years.  She had some kosher prepared pasta and some not kosher prepared pasta for my daughter's meal.  My daughter ate all the kosher pasta the first evening.  The next night this person told me daughter to her face she didn't eat all the pasta and that this pasta was from last night.  My daughter stood her ground and said she wouldn't be eating said pasta.  This person threw a fit and threw the pasta in the garbage with a flourish and my daughter didn't have much food for that meal.  I'm really sad that this person needed to lie about a stupid thing.  But she always lies about all sorts of dumb things.  She told my daughter that her first class ticket to her didn't allow her to take luggage!  

She almost killed my daughter a long time ago when she offered a granola bar to her.  My daughter was deathly allergic to peanuts and guess what the main ingredient in the granola bar was?  Her older brother grabbed it and read the ingredients and didn't let her sister eat the granola bar.  This person to this day swears up and down that there were no peanuts in the granola bar and that it would have been fine for my daughter.  That was the last straw to starting Oral Immunotherapy for my daughter's peanut allergy.  My husband was against it because it was six months of driving 10 hours every week (leaving home at 5am) to do the OIT.  I told him if we didn't do this this person would never, ever be unsupervised around my daughter (and other children ever again).

I'm really sorry that my children have to see that their family member cannot tell the truth.  It makes me more sad to see that the person who is dear to me learned (?) to exaggerate/lie in order to make themselves look good as well.  It isn't as blatant as this person's but it is never an exaggeration for any other purpose other than to make him look good.

[Lecka]

My husband exaggerates dollar amounts.  It is something where I think of more exact numbers and he is estimating, but to me his estimate is way off.

He will say, 90% of the time, the estimate is close enough.  To me it may be wildly high, but to him it is within a reasonable estimate.  
 

He runs high a lot on anything with numbers.

 

He also brags about our kids and can overstate, but I don’t care about that 🙂

 

He is probably not like anything meant in this thread, but the number thing where he throws out “a big number” is really something I don’t do.  
 

When we were talking to our realtor, he said a number for the top of our price range and I told her it was actually much lower.  He is like “same difference” and I am like “no, it’s not the same difference.”  It is just close enough to him.  And most of the time it doesn’t matter!  
 

I am more likely to not want to say a number at all if I don’t have a good idea of just what it is.  He is fine to basically guess a number and then if he finds out the number is off, he just moves on in life, no big deal.  If he has actually written things down or looked into something, he will say the correct number.  

[Scarlett]

My dh is not a liar for sure.  But sometimes he retells a story with a very different slant than I recall.  I guess this is more about perception.

And he underestimates every single home improvement project we ever do.  I learn to multiply by 3 whatever he tells me.  LOL 

[Melissa in Australia]

And there is confabulation . Work with foster kids for a bit, it is an eye opening experience  . It isn’t lying, which is what I though in the beginning, but such a scrambled brain that the brain just fills in the gaps with whatever

[Grace Hopper]

My kids had a schoolmate like this - would just make up stuff fairly often. In their acquaintance he never said anything that resulted in harm to anyone, and he was a likable enough guy. But they were never able to fully trust him. 
 

I don’t know why he did it, but lean toward thinking it must be a personality disorder sort of thing. It wasn’t malicious, but he didn’t seem able to help himself. Most of his fabrications revolved around his personal skills and circumstances, and he was the youngest (average student, average athletic abilities) in a family of high achievers, so that’s probably a factor. 

Edited March 9, 2022 by Grace Hopper

[goldberry]

Both people I know like this were not malicious in their lying.  After knowing them very well for a long time, I reached a few conclusions.  Both parties were wildly imaginative.  They tended toward the dramatic, and loved telling stories about things that happened in a dramatic way.  In the telling of the story (either to themselves or others) they really came to believe that was the way it happened.  Does that make any sense to me, a very logical minded person?  No.  But I saw that was happening with them.  

Both of these people also tended to lie about themselves in a way to make themselves look better.  That was very much a coping mechanism, as both were very insecure and people pleasers.  

I did a lot of thinking about this because it never made any sense to me to lie about insignificant things.  But it was almost like they were creating a narrative in their minds (for whatever reason, to feel better about themselves, to make a funny story, WHATEVER) and then that narrative came out like the truth to them.  

Both persons eventually became aware of how destructive this was/is.  I see them often have to stop themselves and back up to determine if they are telling the truth.  I'm sure there are other liars out there with various reasons but for these two there were the same underlying reasons.

[DawnM]

12 hours ago, Scarlett said:

Ha.That is funny. My best friends first husband was a compulsive liar.  Usually to cover up his cheating, but it was ridiculous at times.  One time friend followed him to a hotel and when he was caught with his girlfriend he tried to say he wasn’t in the room with her overnight but only went to her room to borrow some hairspray. 🙄🙄🙄🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

Sorry, I know that isn't funny, but......really????

[Tap]

5 hours ago, Melissa in Australia said:

And there is confabulation . Work with foster kids for a bit, it is an eye opening experience  . It isn’t lying, which is what I though in the beginning, but such a scrambled brain that the brain just fills in the gaps with whatever

My 15yo is like this (she came to me as a foster child). Every story gets extreme details added. Once, she and I  I were talking on speakerphone to my xh. She was telling him the city was there to dig up my entire front yard. I was trying to explain to her, that them digging up a 3x4 area is not the whole front yard (my front yard is maybe 100ft wide) And they had already put it back together and were making it look like they were never even there. Then she tried argue with me about it !!! We were literally looking out the window, watching them fix up the landscaping on little 3x4ft obscure corner, which is probably 20 feet away from what we call the front yard. But that wasn’t interesting enough for her brain so we was lying about it, as I was standing next to her….watching it happen.

[SKL]

Oh yeah, I have that one relative who remembers things so differently than everyone else remembers.  One time she insisted that she started her period years later than we knew she had started.  She had a big fit because nobody believed her.  It was crazy.  Over the years, I've had a hard time believing this individual (whom I love dearly), even though it's been a while since I caught her in a lie.  She says someone did or said xyz to her, and I assume it's untrue unless the other person confirms it.

Besides telling whoppers, this person tends to see things through a victim filter (applied to her and her kids).  Every person she deals with disrespects, cheats, or otherwise harms her.  Her kids are never not being bullied and underserved at school and every other establishment they go to.  I'm sure some of it is true, but it can't all be.

And I think the worst of it is how she changes the narrative back and forth with her kids.  One minute they are the victims, the next minute they are the villains, over and over.

Oh and whatever I tell her, she twists and repeats in some form that doesn't even resemble my message.

I do know this person has mental health issues which she is addressing.

[Indigo Blue]

The only person in my life who lies chronically about insignificant things is someone that  I believe has a personality disorder. So, I think having a personality disorder is a common thread for chronic lying. 

Edited March 10, 2022 by Indigo Blue
Typo

[Scarlett]

3 hours ago, DawnM said:

Sorry, I know that isn't funny, but......really????

You can’t make this crap up.  He literally walked his wife’s sister down the hall to a used room and tried to convince her it was the room he had slept in. Even though my friend and her sister had spent the night in the hallway outside the room. Eventually the girlfriend in the room, apparently in fear for her life, called the police.  Police came and it was negotiated that the girlfriend would show her face outside the door so wife could prove she was there…..girlfriend poked her head out…,wife  and her sister left.

crazy times y’all.  Don’t marry cheaters.

[BlsdMama]

The timing on this is amusing. I think I lied yesterday. A good friend was over and we were talking about learning disabilities, difficulties in school, etc. She asked if I struggled in school and I answered school was easy for me and we slid into genetic factors. I thought later that night it wasn’t the whole truth. School was easy for me, I struggled turning things in our misplacing work, and while arithmetic and Algebra 1 was very easy, I struggled and actually failed Algebra 2. I generalized and didn’t go into specifics and the conversation moved so I didn’t go deep but it resulted in something not entirely true. 
 

Someone I love will pass, “I think I know this fact” off as though they know when they do not. I’m not sure why but I think it’sa need to be seen as knowledgeable. I also don’t think he realizes he does it. My dad speaks in hyperbole. As a child I always thought he knew everything. As an adult I’ve been in a situation where I’ve said, “Oh X is this way because Y,” then realized it isn’t logical. Dad always enjoyed teasing- so much so that I’m not sure which facts he knew and which he filled in, mostly about nature. 

[Jean in Newcastle]

Most people lie at some point in time.  Often, in order to keep from getting in trouble.  That's the main reason why I've lied.  But I do think that there is a difference between someone who has lied on occasion and a habitual liar.  Overall integrity is extremely important to me.  I don't think that I could have any kind of a relationship of significance with someone who is a liar. 

I don't always go through every detail with everyone though.  I might say "it's more complicated than what I just told you but that's the broad strokes".  Or something like that.  Or in some cases, "that isn't something I really want to get into".  Some people might be offended but most people realize that some things are private. 

[Indigo Blue]

Just read this interesting article. Never really thought about the difference between compulsive vs pathological lying. My chronic liar, IMO, seems to be pathological. 

https://www.medicinenet.com/health_care_lies_you_tell_your_doctor/article.htm

Dh just lost his mom. We’re having a rough week. I called the liar in my life to let them know. I felt immediately interrogated with prying questions. At the end of the conversation, an excuse was made for why they couldn’t attend the funeral. I don’t believe the excuse is legit because I have no reason to believe this person is telling the truth. It doesn’t matter because it’s really better said person isn’t there anyway. I’m even more suspicious because they pulled the same thing with my son’s college graduation. They found a way out of having to go.
 

This person can lie with ease and look you right in the eye. They will then change the topic quickly to redirect you away from the lies.

I think this is very different from the every day lies we all do from time to time. For one, we feel bad about it. If confronted, we feel embarrassed and may apologize or even try to find a way to patch things up and rebuild trust. Not so with pathological liars, just as the article describes. They seem to have no awareness that they are hurting others. It’s all about protecting their own fragile self or getting what they want. 
 

 

Edited March 10, 2022 by Indigo Blue

[Scarlett]

Dh and I had dinner with ds25 and the baby tonight.  It was nice….good to see them   but he tells us this wild story…..that he had a great offer that he only turned down because of his son. Apparently someone is offering 6k a month to go to Ukraine and fight…..and they don’t have to take orders from any one. Oh and all airfair is paid for. 

About the only thing I said was, ‘Thank God  for dGrandson’

Dh is pretty upset by it all.

[Grace Hopper]

On 3/8/2022 at 2:56 PM, SKL said:

I have wondered the same thing.  I remember my SIL told me "oh yes, I made sure all my kids know how to swim," and later her kids told me they couldn't swim.  Why?  There were other instances with that SIL also.  I do think she was trying to impress or not be judged in case I would consider her a bad parent for not having swimming kids.

It's also possible that we have different understandings of what is "truth."  For one thing, there are different definitions of "swim," right?  And just about everything else.  For another thing, some family cultures talk in hyperbole and other fun styles that they assume others will just understand.  I wouldn't consider it a lie to say "I've been up and down this road a hundred times" if it was really only 17 times.  I would assume you knew I didn't actually mean 100 times.

I have to catch myself a lot.  I have a friend who way overuses "always" and "never," and I complain about that, but then I can be heard using "always" and "never" in other not-exactly-factual situations.  Why is it OK in some cases and not others?  Again, I think it's a cultural nuance.

I could see this about the swimming happening like it did around here…

When they were really young all my kids had swimming lessons and became safe proficient swimmers. 
 

Fast forward to high school, after a few years of not spending much time in the water. If asked about swimming, I imagine at least one of them thinking of friends on swim teams and responding with an “I can’t swim.” Neither me nor my child would be lying about it, just expressing things in relative terms. 

[pitterpatter]

And, actually. Sometimes they believe their own lies. This is something I recently came to realize after reading up on it on the internet. I confronted the liar in my life about a small thing they lied about. It was about where they found something. (Not as in where they bought something, but literally found something in their house.) I knew where the object was beforehand, but they didn't know that. They told me they found it in a completely different place. When I confronted the person, they got a blank look on their face that quickly turned to confusion. They told me they thought they found it elsewhere. (The find had only taken place 5-10 minutes prior.) Now, it all may have been a front, but there was no reason to lie about where they found the object. The object was not salacious in any way. There was zero reason to lie about it. The person started crying afterward.

On 3/9/2022 at 10:35 PM, Scarlett said:

You can’t make this crap up.  He literally walked his wife’s sister down the hall to a used room and tried to convince her it was the room he had slept in. Even though my friend and her sister had spent the night in the hallway outside the room. Eventually the girlfriend in the room, apparently in fear for her life, called the police.  Police came and it was negotiated that the girlfriend would show her face outside the door so wife could prove she was there…..girlfriend poked her head out…,wife  and her sister left.

crazy times y’all.  Don’t marry cheaters.

Edited March 11, 2022 by pitterpatter