I need help because I'm terrible at communicating but this can't continue and please, this is a JAWM type post

[fairfarmhand]

They're being ridiculous. As many have stated, lots of us raise many kids for many years without help at all.

If you are feeling generous, you could offer to pay for a mothers day out thing for the kids once or twice a month. 

Or you can research the possibilities in your area and hand your ds a list. Churches, YMCA's community centers, etc. could give her a break. If you wanted to, you could offer to pick up the little ones from the Mothers' Day out. take them to their house and let them nap while you allow DIL to go out. 

They are obnoxious. It would have gone better if they had handled this with less entitlement. A "Mom, we are SO overwhelmed and you are experienced. If there's no way you could offer physical help, do you have any ideas on how to manage the kids so we don't go crazy?" would have been a much better way of dealing with this. 

[marbel]

Thinking more about this as I enjoyed a kid-free hour at the library and reminiscing about all the hectic library trips I took when my kids were little and how I dreamed of time on my own to browse...

It is always OK to admit to being overwhelmed and asking for help. Or asking for strategies for self-care in the midst of little kid life.  There are often threads here about the importance of self-care and taking care of our mental health. Maybe OP's DIL is on on the needier end of the spectrum in that way. (I don't mean needy in a pejorative way.)

But, yeah, they framed it all wrong. The demands are all wrong. Passive-aggressive facebook crap is always all wrong.

Maybe a good approach would be "hey, son, it seems like you and DIL may be a bit overwhelmed with parenting? You know I'd love to help out, but my own health challenges make it impossible. Do you want me to help brainstorm some ways to get the time you need?"  

Obviously I don't know. I'm just thinking... we're all calling them entitled jerks and it seems they are acting jerky but... why?  Maybe there is a deeper reason. 

Edited August 25, 2021 by marbel

[BlsdMama]

Your DIL and son are truly unbelievable. I have no suggestions or help with this other than to send sympathetic hugs. Asking repeatedly and taking advantage is unkind but the guilt trip over being sick and disabled is cruel. You might be sad. I’m offended and angry on your behalf. I’m so sorry. 

[Kassia]

@stephanier.1765big big hugs to you.  I know how much you love and adore those kids and that you would do anything for them but also how you hurt and struggle.  Your ds and dil must also know these things.  It sounds like they are just used to having help with the kids and aren't thinking at all about your physical limitations and have developed a sense of entitlement. 

 I'm sorry for this stress and worry - I'd be feeling the same way and don't know how I'd handle it.  I'd feel like I had to be truthful and let them know how I was feeling physically (even though they should know this) but I would worry about the in-laws taking over once they are there.  But I really do believe they know how much you love those kids.  They are just not thinking about your health issues and/or are just so used to having help that it doesn't enter their mind that they are being a burden.  

 

[stephanier.1765]

Gosh, there are so many great replies that I don't know where to begin. LOL Thank you for them all! It does help relieve the guilt about not doing more. I know her family did a lot for them. I've seen the pictures via FB since the first was born and it's been hard watching that long distance. When I found out they were moving here, I was hoping to finally have the chance to build those close bonds with them, as well. The firstborn and I have always enjoyed a good relationship because I would travel up there 4 times a year for 2 weeks at a time and spent every second I could reading, playing, even feeding and bathing. Bath time was our time. It was great. Then there was Covid and then my drastic physical decline and now just the thought of getting down and bathing them scares me. The oldest would probably be fine since I could sit on the toilet and chat with her while she played but not the 1 yo.

DIL did suffer from PPD with her first but not the second. She often posts on FB about how different raising the second has been. Part of it is also being more experienced and child #2 being a much more laid back baby. I love child #1 to the moon and back. She colors my world! But she is a lot. I don't mean naughty a lot but a big personality mixed with a lot of 2 year old on-the-go. She really isn't the sort of child where you want another one back to back. She uses a lot of oxygen. Which is why, caring for her is hard. I know it is hard for DIL too but she is her child and they are the ones who brought the second one in the mix so quickly.

DIL does work. She's always done administrative type of work but got a teacher position in day care when they moved here. Partly I think, to help pay for daycare. Both of the children receive free tuition because of her job. When they lived in NH, they received state assistance so they kids went to daycare even when they didn't work. Both "job hop " quite a bit so when one or both wasn't working, the kids still had a daycare to go to. She doesn't have that back up now. She wanted to quit this job in the first week and asked me if I would watch the kids 2 days a week so if she found a new job, so they'd only have to pay for daycare for 3 days. I never gave her an answer because before I could she renegotiated her position for an older class that she felt she would be better able to handle. I hope it works! Because I can't do that either.

Yes, there are marital difficulties and have been for a while, even before child #2. I was shocked they were moving here because that would put a lot of distance between her and her family. It's my understanding, though, that her family was part of the problem. 🤷‍♀️ But she's uses my son's faults, I think, as a way to guilt me into the babysitting, as if his faults are my fault. Them not being able to come to an agreement about his gaming time is not my fault but I still feel bad for her.

I do babysit at their house so the driving isn't a normal part of the equation for her. The only time they have dropped off was at the first great-grandparent day and the only times they have picked up are on both second great-grandparent days. They offered both times and I encouraged it because I know my parents would like to see them too. Otherwise, I've always driven the 30 minutes to their house. I even bought a SunPass (toll sticker) to help make the drive a little easer. We live in a big city so traffic is never fun. The biggest reason I don't want to go over there on weekdays is because it would be rush hour. I hate rush hour! I don't want the stress of that on top of the stress of caring for the kids. I've told them this yet they keep asking for it. Well, this last time it was really a demand.

It really is hard not to be able to spend this time with them. On the way home from this last babysitting/visit, the 2 yo said, "I had so much fun. Can we go back tomorrow?" Oh, my heart!

Again, I'm sorry for writing a book. As I'm typing it out, it doesn't feel like a book so when I look back I'm astonished at how much I had to say. LOL Thanks everyone. You all feel like my back up.

Whew, the site when down just as I hit enter. I was worried I wouldn't have the mental energy to write this all again. Boy, I am so thankful it is still here. 

 

[stephanier.1765]

22 hours ago, happi duck said:

My mom died when my oldest was ten weeks old.  It makes me so angry when people lucky enough to still have parents act like entitled jerks.

I'm so sorry about the loss of your mother. I just can't even imagine! 💗💗💗

 

[katilac]

7 hours ago, SKL said:

And now I am wondering why there aren't any facebook memes to the effect of "raise your own damn kids," LOL.

There are plenty of them. 

[Jean in Newcastle]

2 minutes ago, katilac said:

There are plenty of them. 

Argh!  Their!  

[stephanier.1765]

21 hours ago, Selkie said:

OP, is this the same DIL who kept getting dogs and then getting rid of them right away? If so, I already didn’t like her - and now I REALLY don’t like her! (Sorry if I have you mixed up with someone else.)

Yes it is. I was concerned they left their cat they've had for many years behind with this move so I was thrilled when I saw it walk out of the bedroom when I was over there babysitting one day. It's my understanding though that her parents are planning to leave their dog behind so I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

[Katy]

Wow.  She’s demanding this much time alone because her husband won’t parent instead of game?  I’d tell her to give him an ultimatum if it was my friend.  But pawning her kids off so she can equal his immaturity is not the answer. 

In her situation  I’d probably start by hiding ALL the game equipment. And leaving the kids with him for hours the second he gets home. None of this is your fault.

[SKL]

Yes, I am wondering how dad's gaming choices became Grandma's problem.

Thinking that if my son was telling me I "had" to do x hours of babysitting because *he* needed to play games, my verbal response would not be fit to print.

[Katy]

OP the passive aggressive comments on FB are NOT aimed at you.  It’s aimed at her husband. It doesn’t matter if he’s your DS. 

Edited August 25, 2021 by Katy
How did that autocorrect happen?

[mom2scouts]

I got angry for you while reading this. They are acting like spoiled brats who don't want to take responsibility for their own children. They seem to think they're entitiled to a ridiculous amount of "me time" which is something in short supply when you have young children.

My mom was a young mother and still in her 40's when I had the first of my children. She made it very clear that she would ONLY babysit in an emergency and she stuck to that, only babysitting when I was in the hospital. My in-laws were elderly and were dealing with cancer, so they only babysat for us once. We were poor when our children were young and couldn't afford a babysitter, so I took the kids everywhere or dh and I took turns getting a break. Your kids are asking for way too much and then trying to guilt you into doing more than is resonable for you. You need to set boundaries and stick to them.

[KSera]

 

21 hours ago, Spryte said:

Wait. How did you know?! I thought I was the only one hiding in the closet with the secret stash. 🤣

Same!!

49 minutes ago, Katy said:

OP the passive aggressive comments on FB are NOT aimed at you.  It’s aimed at her husband. It doesn’t matter if he’s your DS. 

I agree and was thinking the same once I heard the gaming situation. I can see how OP would have thought it meant her, but that's at her DH. And obviously isn't her responsibility. It does make it all the worse that her DS was demanding the babysitting time though. Maybe he needs some gaming addiction therapy. Seriously.

[ktgrok]

2 hours ago, Katy said:

Wow.  She’s demanding this much time alone because her husband won’t parent instead of game?  I’d tell her to give him an ultimatum if it was my friend.  But pawning her kids off so she can equal his immaturity is not the answer. 

In her situation  I’d probably start by hiding ALL the game equipment. And leaving the kids with him for hours the second he gets home. None of this is your fault.

Can your husband have a man to man talk to your son about the gaming, and stepping up as a father? Cause HE is the one that should watch the kids while she grocery shops or gets her nails done! That's valuable bonding time for him and the kids. It WILL be hard at first, but they will be so much closer if he does it. 

2 hours ago, SKL said:

Yes, I am wondering how dad's gaming choices became Grandma's problem.

Thinking that if my son was telling me I "had" to do x hours of babysitting because *he* needed to play games, my verbal response would not be fit to print.

Same, lady. Same. 

[gardenmom5]

 

they are taking advantage of you.

Grown-ups . . . . take their children WITH THEM to the grocery store.   Grown-ups, clean the house while the kids are there.

Your son and his wife need to grow up.  

You could be very gracious and give them a list of phone numbers for babysitting agencies.   (or teens who want to earn some extra money.)  As finding babysitters for hire seems to be beyond them.

 

[stephanier.1765]

DIL has asked me to spend the day with them Saturday. Just a stay-at-home kind of day. Hopefully, this will give me the opening I need to talk with them about this. They could actually be thinking the same thing but the conversation definitely will not go as they want if that's the case.

Yesterday, hurt more than the day before. I managed to sweep the kitchen, front hall, bathroom and the porch and then swept and hosed off the front mat. I also got a load of laundry done. My body was just done after that little bit of work. I needed to take DS#3 to work because his car is on the fritz and since he works for a grocery store I took the opportunity to get some shopping done. I couldn't even make it through the store. Carrying in those few groceries and putting them away just about killed me. The rest of my day was shot. I really miss those days when I could clean the house in a single day. 

[Scarlett]

27 minutes ago, stephanier.1765 said:

DIL has asked me to spend the day with them Saturday. Just a stay-at-home kind of day. Hopefully, this will give me the opening I need to talk with them about this. They could actually be thinking the same thing but the conversation definitely will not go as they want if that's the case.

Yesterday, hurt more than the day before. I managed to sweep the kitchen, front hall, bathroom and the porch and then swept and hosed off the front mat. I also got a load of laundry done. My body was just done after that little bit of work. I needed to take DS#3 to work because his car is on the fritz and since he works for a grocery store I took the opportunity to get some shopping done. I couldn't even make it through the store. Carrying in those few groceries and putting them away just about killed me. The rest of my day was shot. I really miss those days when I could clean the house in a single day. 

Spend the day with grandbabies and your DIL and son?

I know we are all saying how entitled and rude they are both being to you, but of course I know you won't lead with that when talking to them.  I would not even address the fact that THEY are the parents and that THEY are responsible for their own children and that MOST parents take care of their children MOST of the time.....because that is pointless and confrontational and irrelevant to your boundary.  Which is----if I am  understanding.....you love and adore your grandbabies and want to be involved but you cannot be a babysitter on call because of your own health and other responsibilities.  And that as the babies get older you think you may be able to handle them more but you will just have to see how your health holds up etc. 

As someone else suggested, reiterate that you love them both and sympathize with parenthood at this stage and do they want some help brainstorming ideas for help with the babies.

[Forget-Me-Not]

1 hour ago, stephanier.1765 said:

DIL has asked me to spend the day with them Saturday. Just a stay-at-home kind of day. Hopefully, this will give me the opening I need to talk with them about this. They could actually be thinking the same thing but the conversation definitely will not go as they want if that's the case.

I would be very concerned that they are going to want to "run out for a minute" while you are there.  

[stephanier.1765]

31 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Spend the day with grandbabies and your DIL and son?

I know we are all saying how entitled and rude they are both being to you, but of course I know you won't lead with that when talking to them.  I would not even address the fact that THEY are the parents and that THEY are responsible for their own children and that MOST parents take care of their children MOST of the time.....because that is pointless and confrontational and irrelevant to your boundary.  Which is----if I am  understanding.....you love and adore your grandbabies and want to be involved but you cannot be a babysitter on call because of your own health and other responsibilities.  And that as the babies get older you think you may be able to handle them more but you will just have to see how your health holds up etc. 

As someone else suggested, reiterate that you love them both and sympathize with parenthood at this stage and do they want some help brainstorming ideas for help with the babies.

I'm not sure if DS will be there but DIL definitely will be. She works M-F but his schedule changes weekly.

You're right, I probably won't lead with the entitlement and rudeness and I hope I don't have to actually use those words. What I'm hoping is to work the babysitting and pain into our conversations as the day progresses so it seems less confrontational but if "no" doesn't seem to be working then the words entitlement and rudeness will be brought out as the big guns. Thankfully, since I will be at their house, I can get up and leave at any time and not be stuck in an uncomfortable or confrontational situation.  DIL is always agreeable face to face, though. It makes it hard to read her because she will be saying one thing quite convincingly and later I'll find out she was thinking/feeling something else.

[marbel]

I hope your visit goes well. Maybe spending a good amount of time with you will help your DIL to actually see that you do have limitations. Maybe she doesn't quite believe you and thinks you are making excuses. If your health has declined fairly recently (?) your son may not truly believe it either. Not as in that you are lying, but maybe exaggerating. Of course I'm speculating wildly! I think kids, even adults, can get stuck on a view of their parents at a certain age/vitality level and it can be hard to change that. 

[Lori D.]

Also, they may just totally not understand the severity of your pain and health limitations. Someone else's pain or low amount of energy due to a chronic illness is not always outwardly visible to others, and those who are healthy tend to think in terms of how they are feeling and how much energy they have, and unthinkingly assume it is the same level for everyone else (unless they see someone in a wheelchair for example). 

You might try showing them the Spoon Theory as a visual demonstration of just how much/little you have have, and that 1 hour of time babysitting takes X about of your daily spoon allotment of energy, and to go beyond your daily spoon allotment causes tremendous physical pain, or takes away the ability to have energy for doing basic things like preparing/eating a meal for yourself.

((((hugs)))) to all of you, and hope everyone has grace and patience and empathy with everyone else as you all discuss.

[Danae]

26 minutes ago, stephanier.1765 said:

I'm not sure if DS will be there but DIL definitely will be. She works M-F but his schedule changes weekly.

You're right, I probably won't lead with the entitlement and rudeness and I hope I don't have to actually use those words. What I'm hoping is to work the babysitting and pain into our conversations as the day progresses so it seems less confrontational but if "no" doesn't seem to be working then the words entitlement and rudeness will be brought out as the big guns. Thankfully, since I will be at their house, I can get up and leave at any time and not be stuck in an uncomfortable or confrontational situation.  DIL is always agreeable face to face, though. It makes it hard to read her because she will be saying one thing quite convincingly and later I'll find out she was thinking/feeling something else.

Entitlement and rudeness aren’t your big guns here. They are a distraction from the point.  Even if they asked you extremely politely, with all the genuine humility in the world you would still have to say “no” to hours-long babysitting because you are not physically able to do it.  

[Not_a_Number]

1 minute ago, Danae said:

Entitlement and rudeness aren’t your big guns here. They are a distraction from the point.  Even if they asked you extremely politely, with all the genuine humility in the world you would still have to say “no” to hours-long babysitting because you are not physically able to do it.  

Right. You don't want to make it about THEM. You want it to make it about you. You can be kind but you should be absolutely inflexible. People hear you better that way. 

[Scarlett]

1 minute ago, Danae said:

Entitlement and rudeness aren’t your big guns here. They are a distraction from the point.  Even if they asked you extremely politely, with all the genuine humility in the world you would still have to say “no” to hours-long babysitting because you are not physically able to do it.  

Yes.  Those points are a distraction.

[stephanier.1765]

1 minute ago, marbel said:

I hope your visit goes well. Maybe spending a good amount of time with you will help your DIL to actually see that you do have limitations. Maybe she doesn't quite believe you and thinks you are making excuses. If your health has declined fairly recently (?) your son may not truly believe it either. Not as in that you are lying, but maybe exaggerating. Of course I'm speculating wildly! I think kids, even adults, can get stuck on a view of their parents at a certain age/vitality level and it can be hard to change that. 

I agree with this 100%. It took me a while to stop asking my father for help for household repairs.  He loves doing those kinds of things and still putters quite a bit in his own house but I finally realized when he was about my age how much those kinds of things cause him pain. It's one thing for him to putter at his house at his own discretion than it is at my house where he feels he has to get it all done at one go. It's hard watching your parents age and decline and hard to accept, that's for sure.

[fairfarmhand]

Also, point out "There is NOTHING I would love better than to have a strong, healthy, energetic body so that I could enjoy these years with your little kids. But I do not have that. All I can do is x."

This makes it less about you "making excuses" (which they may be assuming) and more about you and everyone else accepting the limitations of your own health. 

[theelfqueen]

Remember that it isnt I WON'T do what you ask. It is I CANNOT do what you ask. 

[ktgrok]

 

19 minutes ago, Danae said:

Entitlement and rudeness aren’t your big guns here. They are a distraction from the point.  Even if they asked you extremely politely, with all the genuine humility in the world you would still have to say “no” to hours-long babysitting because you are not physically able to do it.  

Right. If you use those words, they will argue about the terms. 

Instead, the MOST I'd say is that although I sympathize that they WANT "me time", and you WANT to spend time with the kids, but you can't put that before your own  physical HEALTH NEEDS. Needs trump wants. 

If DIL truly is not getting ANY time away from small kids between job and parenting, DS needs to step up. Period. 

[Pen]

I’ve known some grandparents who visit with  grandchildren  (at whichever home is most convenient for the grandparents) while there’s a young and strong babysitter or au pair etc to do all physically demanding child care activity. The grandparent can read a story or play a board game or observe bath time - snd helps insure that the babysitter / au pair isn’t negligent. The babysitter does any lifting, chasing after children, active and tiring games like hide and seek, prep of snacks  etc. 

 

[katilac]

I had some optimism show up out of nowhere today, so I would lean towards not bringing it up unless they do. It's possible that they really want you to spend time with the baby, and this is an offer from them to do so without being the babysitter. If that seems to be the case once you get there, I'd just roll with the good feelings and address the babysitting issue another day. 

[kiwik]

You are right.  I would have been delighted when my kids were that she for someone to watch the an hour WHILE THEY WERE ASLEEP so I could go for a walk or to the supermarket by myself.  I would never have demanded someone care for my kids all day.

[stephanier.1765]

The latest - 

Saturday didn't happen because they were sick. They ended up taking grandson (1yo) to the ER because he had a seizure. At the ER they gave him zofran for nausea and he had an allergic reaction to that. My poor little dude! They suspect the seizure was a febrile one.

So she asked me to come over yesterday to watch the kids while DS and her sanitized the toys. I did for about 4 hours. It went fine. I even asked DIL if I could take granddaughter (2yo) out with me this weekend to run errands thinking this would give her somewhat of a break and granddaughter used to spending more time with me while out. She said yes. 

But then today happened. I didn't realize until my son's GF pointed it out that DIL has posted on FB that she needs to find a new job because the doctor told her that grandson needs to stop going to daycare, at least for a while, and that she needed a stay-at-home job because she doesn't have any family support here and won't until her family moves down here. I was there for 4 hours and she never brought that up with me once. I don't get on the internet every day. If I'm busy, it's the first thing that goes. I've told all of them this so I can only hope she didn't assume I had read it and ignored it, but maybe she did. 🤷‍♀️

So after seeing her post, I discussed the situation with my parents and my dh to see what we could do to help. My parents offered to keep him some days, DH offered to help when he got home, and so I told DIL that I could watch him to help keep him away from all the kiddie germs. She said no. The drive is too far. She didn't say so but I think she wants to me to go to their house or pick him up, or even keep them both. So I asked if DS could drop him off instead to make things easier for her and I didn't get a reply until DH made the situation worse. He had been looking forward to seeing grandson when he got home from work and I guess he was upset by her refusal and posted to her FB message saying that I had offered to help them but she said no. I hate drama. I especially hate social media drama so I asked him to delete it. Too late, she had already seen it and that's when she finally replied to my question about DS and then went on about how hurt she was that DH posted that on her FB. So now drama is spread all around. Ugh, double ugh! My stomach hurts. I don't know what's next but I can't imagine it being good. 

[Scarlett]

19 minutes ago, stephanier.1765 said:

The latest - 

Saturday didn't happen because they were sick. They ended up taking grandson (1yo) to the ER because he had a seizure. At the ER they gave him zofran for nausea and he had an allergic reaction to that. My poor little dude! They suspect the seizure was a febrile one.

So she asked me to come over yesterday to watch the kids while DS and her sanitized the toys. I did for about 4 hours. It went fine. I even asked DIL if I could take granddaughter (2yo) out with me this weekend to run errands thinking this would give her somewhat of a break and granddaughter used to spending more time with me while out. She said yes. 

But then today happened. I didn't realize until my son's GF pointed it out that DIL has posted on FB that she needs to find a new job because the doctor told her that grandson needs to stop going to daycare, at least for a while, and that she needed a stay-at-home job because she doesn't have any family support here and won't until her family moves down here. I was there for 4 hours and she never brought that up with me once. I don't get on the internet every day. If I'm busy, it's the first thing that goes. I've told all of them this so I can only hope she didn't assume I had read it and ignored it, but maybe she did. 🤷‍♀️

So after seeing her post, I discussed the situation with my parents and my dh to see what we could do to help. My parents offered to keep him some days, DH offered to help when he got home, and so I told DIL that I could watch him to help keep him away from all the kiddie germs. She said no. The drive is too far. She didn't say so but I think she wants to me to go to their house or pick him up, or even keep them both. So I asked if DS could drop him off instead to make things easier for her and I didn't get a reply until DH made the situation worse. He had been looking forward to seeing grandson when he got home from work and I guess he was upset by her refusal and posted to her FB message saying that I had offered to help them but she said no. I hate drama. I especially hate social media drama so I asked him to delete it. Too late, she had already seen it and that's when she finally replied to my question about DS and then went on about how hurt she was that DH posted that on her FB. So now drama is spread all around. Ugh, double ugh! My stomach hurts. I don't know what's next but I can't imagine it being good. 

OH MY WORD!!

I am gobsmacked.  Wow.  Just wow.  

[hjffkj]

That sounds so frustrating.  I think what needs to happen is everyone need to sit down together and have a discussion about everything in person. During that discussion you not only need to iron out any childcare you can help with but also that it is hurtful to your relationship for her to be posting things like that on facebook when she hadn't even discussed the issue with them.  It publicly blasts any local family. It is rude and hurtful.

There seem to be deeper issues than just childcare and that can't be resolved if everyone is on a different page as to what is or isn't wrong.

[alisoncooks]

Oh my. 

I know drama sucks but...she wanted to play the martyr and got called out for being false. That's kinda on her. Not that your DH made the wisest choice 😉 (sometimes we do hold our tongue to preserve the peace)...but she was asking for that one. 

[gardenmom5]

30 minutes ago, stephanier.1765 said:

  DIL has posted on FB that she needs to find a new job because the doctor told her that grandson needs to stop going to daycare, at least for a while, and that she needed a stay-at-home job because she doesn't have any family support here and won't until her family moves down here. I was there for 4 hours and she never brought that up with me once.  

this is when you make a reply to that post about how glad you were you were able to spend FOUR HOURS, despite your debilitating medical conditions, watching her kids while she sanitized toys.

her friends will eventually figure out her lack of gratitude.  I guarantee, she's ungrateful to her "friends" irl too.

She may just like playing the martyr.

[Danae]

34 minutes ago, stephanier.1765 said:

The latest - 

Saturday didn't happen because they were sick. They ended up taking grandson (1yo) to the ER because he had a seizure. At the ER they gave him zofran for nausea and he had an allergic reaction to that. My poor little dude! They suspect the seizure was a febrile one.

So she asked me to come over yesterday to watch the kids while DS and her sanitized the toys. I did for about 4 hours. It went fine. I even asked DIL if I could take granddaughter (2yo) out with me this weekend to run errands thinking this would give her somewhat of a break and granddaughter used to spending more time with me while out. She said yes. 

But then today happened. I didn't realize until my son's GF pointed it out that DIL has posted on FB that she needs to find a new job because the doctor told her that grandson needs to stop going to daycare, at least for a while, and that she needed a stay-at-home job because she doesn't have any family support here and won't until her family moves down here. I was there for 4 hours and she never brought that up with me once. I don't get on the internet every day. If I'm busy, it's the first thing that goes. I've told all of them this so I can only hope she didn't assume I had read it and ignored it, but maybe she did. 🤷‍♀️

So after seeing her post, I discussed the situation with my parents and my dh to see what we could do to help. My parents offered to keep him some days, DH offered to help when he got home, and so I told DIL that I could watch him to help keep him away from all the kiddie germs. She said no. The drive is too far. She didn't say so but I think she wants to me to go to their house or pick him up, or even keep them both. So I asked if DS could drop him off instead to make things easier for her and I didn't get a reply until DH made the situation worse. He had been looking forward to seeing grandson when he got home from work and I guess he was upset by her refusal and posted to her FB message saying that I had offered to help them but she said no. I hate drama. I especially hate social media drama so I asked him to delete it. Too late, she had already seen it and that's when she finally replied to my question about DS and then went on about how hurt she was that DH posted that on her FB. So now drama is spread all around. Ugh, double ugh! My stomach hurts. I don't know what's next but I can't imagine it being good. 

1) Stop taking her Facebook posts personally.

2) She’s not wrong.  She doesn’t have the kind of family support she needs to work outside the home without putting her son in daycare because you cannot provide that.  The whole beginning of this thread was about how you cannot do that, and wanting to know how to communicate to them that you cannot do that.  Now you’re mad that she didn’t ask you to do a thing that you’ve repeatedly said you physically cannot do?

[gardenmom5]

 I'm going to suggest you listen to some of Dr. Ramani's youtube videos.

I'd also very strongly suggest you read "Boundaries: when to say yes, how to say no."

I'm not saying she's a narcissist/personality disorder.  But her behavior is such that the same tools that work there, could work with her.  Normal rules don't work with this type of person.

 

she set herself up by whining on FB (and she knows you'd see it) about how she doesn't have any family support there.  She got her chain yanked for her lies (stating no one helps her) and lack of gratitude. (for the help she has received, despite your health challenges.)

[Janeway]

I have no good advice. I am just sorry that they are doing this to you. They are entitled and they have some nerve. You need to start saying no when you need to say no every time. They are totally taking advantage of you and it’s clear that they do not appreciate it.

[gardenmom5]

1 minute ago, Danae said:

1) Stop taking her Facebook posts personally.

2) She’s not wrong.  She doesn’t have the kind of family support she needs to work outside the home without putting her son in daycare because you cannot provide that.  The whole beginning of this thread was about how you cannot do that, and wanting to know how to communicate to them that you cannot do that.  Now you’re mad that she didn’t ask you to do a thing that you’ve repeatedly said you physically cannot do?

she's not grateful for any help she has received either.  

[Danae]

2 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said:

she's not grateful for any help she has received either.  

So what?  OP is not able to provide full time daycare even if DIL were dripping in gratitude.

[Scarlett]

6 minutes ago, Danae said:

1) Stop taking her Facebook posts personally.

2) She’s not wrong.  She doesn’t have the kind of family support she needs to work outside the home without putting her son in daycare because you cannot provide that.  The whole beginning of this thread was about how you cannot do that, and wanting to know how to communicate to them that you cannot do that.  Now you’re mad that she didn’t ask you to do a thing that you’ve repeatedly said you physically cannot do?

Well, yes and no.  FB can sting and she needs to be made aware of that.  Also they offered help as a family and extended family when there appears to be a crisis.  And she did  not like the kind of help offered.  

Honestly, she probably does need to quit her job for a few years.

[catz]

I would just completely unfollow her on social media.  Some people use that platform to whine and vague book their frustrations and you don't need that in your life.  

 

[Scarlett]

18 minutes ago, hjffkj said:

That sounds so frustrating.  I think what needs to happen is everyone need to sit down together and have a discussion about everything in person. During that discussion you not only need to iron out any childcare you can help with but also that it is hurtful to your relationship for her to be posting things like that on facebook when she hadn't even discussed the issue with them.  It publicly blasts any local family. It is rude and hurtful.

There seem to be deeper issues than just childcare and that can't be resolved if everyone is on a different page as to what is or isn't wrong.

I think this is great advise.  One thing that needs to be addressed is DIL not voicing her actual feelings to people's faces and then causing drama by posting things on FB.

[gardenmom5]

11 minutes ago, Danae said:

So what?  OP is not able to provide full time daycare even if DIL were dripping in gratitude.

wow - I hope you say thank you to people who watch your kids for four hours.  Even if it's not the everyday for everything OP's dil seems to want.

 

[Spryte]

I don’t think I’d want to be connected to her on FB any longer. I know you use FB, but can you snooze her and still feel connected to her family through phone calls, texting, visits, and email? You could even explain to her, in person not in a post, that you are going this route because when she has posted x, y, z it’s been hurtful. And then I would stop engaging on FB, and stop looking at it, in defense.

Agreeing that you all need a time to sit down and discuss everyone’s needs, wants, and expectations.

[scholastica]

Would they be open to family counseling? There are some unhealthy dynamics here that need to be addressed.

[hjffkj]

13 minutes ago, FuzzyCatz said:

I would just completely unfollow her on social media.  Some people use that platform to whine and vague book their frustrations and you don't need that in your life.  

 

But she isn't even vague booking. When she says she has no family help when in fact she does she is painting OP and the rest of the local family in a bad light. That is damaging to relationships and needs to be addressed

[Kassia]

I am so very sorry about all of this.  What a mess.  I feel terrible that you are hurt and this has been so upsetting for you.  I know you have nothing but love for your grandkids and your family (including girlfriends and in-laws) and hate that you are going through this. 

I'm sorry I don't have any advice, but please know how much I care and am hurting for you right now.  😞