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I put my cat to sleep this week, and I'm just so sad

Terabith

By Terabith,
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Terabith

Terabith

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She was 19.5 years old.  I had her since she was eight weeks, across three states.  She had gone deaf except for high pitched sounds.  She had cataracts and arthritis.  We knew she had kidney problems for years, and she'd been gradually eating less and less.  I could tell she wasn't feeling well (not eating much, not moving or jumping onto furniture the last few days), so I took her in.  She was down to 8.5 pounds.  She had been 11 pounds in June, and 15 pounds in her prime.  They said it was time, and I agreed, but I feel so crappy about how it went down.  I feel terrible that my husband wasn't there and that the last thing I did was pick her up, put her in the carrier that she hated, and took her to the vet that she hated.  When I took her out of the carrier in the exam room, she turned her back to me because she was mad.  I didn't have her ferret lovey.  I can't even find it.  I wish I had taken her home and called around to have found a vet that would do house calls.  I just feel so sad and so guilty.  I know she had a good life, and I stayed with her to the end, but I just feel so crummy about it and can't stop crying.  A new kitten would be cheering, but we have two other cats, though none are "mine," and my husband says no.  Here's the eulogy I wrote for her:  

When I went to the Cat Care Society in Denver, I was looking for an orange tabby kitten, because those have always been my favorites. But it was Ursula (named by the Cat Care Society) who crawled into my lap and we took home. She was tiny; she would nap in tissue boxes. She was athletic and lithe; she would jump from the floor to the top of a door and balance up there sort of like, "Okay. I'm up. What do I do now?"

She had a lifetime dislike for organized religion. We took her to a Blessing of the Animals at the Episcopal cathedral in Denver, and a bishop in full purple regalia opened the carrier and liberally sprinkled her with holy water. She never liked purple after that.

She would curl up in a ball and groom our other cat at the time Trinity. Possibly this was self defense, as the apartment my 23 year old husband and I lived in didn't really have heat or air conditioning, since as soon as we moved to a more functional apartment, this cuddling stopped, but it was sweet. She lived under the bed with Trinity at my mom's house in New Mexico for a month when we were in the process of moving, because Trinity was scared of their dog.

Before my first daughter was born, Ursula was so excited about all the new furniture we were getting just for her. She loved the bassinette, the crib, the changing table. She would stretch out in the crib. It was the perfect cat bed. She was so disgusted when Anna was born and we were putting the baby in all of HER furniture. When Anna had to spend time in the NICU, my mother worried about the effect of cat hair on her lungs and mused once about what would happen if we needed to get rid of our cats. I thought about it and was like, "It's a lot easier to find good adoptive homes for white infants than old cats." I wouldn't have done it, but Ursula was my first baby.

After we brought home not one but then two hairless kittens, Ursula declared that enough was enough, and she began sleeping in between Mike and I on her own pillow on the bed. She knew where babies came from and was determined to put a stop to that.

She was playful. She would jump in the air to catch bugs or flying toys. She would have been a good hunter if we'd let her outside.

She loved tuna and turkey, but she also loved asparagus and broccoli. When Mike and I ate salmon and asparagus, she would go after the asparagus on the plate before the salmon. A couple of times we gave her her own plate.

We had to keep challah and Hawaiian bread in the microwave, because she loved it so much that she would jump on the counter and rip through the bag to get it.

When Obama (the semi feral cat) came to us, even though she was a very old cat at 16, she intimidated the hell out of him. She smacked him around and hissed and growled at him. He knew she was the alpha cat, and despite his ferociousness, he didn't tangle with her.

When she was a kitten, we got her one of those wheels that ran around with a ferret on top of it. We thought she would enjoy hunting it, but she was petrified of the wheel and the motor, but as soon as it was stopped, she ripped the ferret off the wheel, and it was her lovey for the rest of her life. She would cuddle with her ferret. When one of us left the house, she would wander around the house carrying the ferret and crying. When I once tried washing it in the dishwasher, she cried so plaintively that I never tried that again.

She moved with us through three states and 19.5 years. I had her my entire adult life. She'd been slowing down, with arthritis. Not jumping or playing, but she still took her regular constitutionals through the house every couple of hours. She would remind me when it was time to feed her by coming over, staring at me, and turning her back, pointedly ignoring me until I fed her. If I moved, she would follow me to another room to ignore me there. She would jump on the couch or the bed and demand pets. At night, Mike and I were supposed to both pet her simultaneously. But then she stopped eating much, and a few days ago was not interested in eating. At first I thought it was because she couldn't hear me opening the cans. She'd gone deaf, except for high frequencies, sometime in the past years. Her eyes were dimmed by cataracts, but never her personality. But over the weekend, she became lethargic and disinterested. She wasn't moving from place to place to nap anymore. Last night I gave her tuna, and she only took a few bites. She didn't get onto the bed by herself, so I lifted her onto her pillow and petted her. She purred and slept with us.

I took her to the vet this morning. I feel so horrible that one of the last things I did with her was to put her in the carrier, which she hates, and took her to the vet, which she also hates. The vet said that it was likely kidney failure. There was also a possibility of heart failure, but regardless, at her age any treatment would only give her a few days. She had perked up more at the vet than she had been in days. She cried, and she stood up to pointedly ignore me when the vet came in to examine her. The vet said it was time to let her go. So I held her as they gave her a sedative shot and rocked her in my arms as she fell asleep. I told her that she was my sweet kitty girl, my best cat, that I loved her and that it was okay; she wasn't alone, that she could let go. The vet told me I could go out while they did the last shot, but I stayed and held her. Her circulation was sluggish, so it took a long time, but she is gone.

She was my best cat. She wasn't like Meghan's cat Daisy, or Seth's son's cat Tinker Day who are buds with their children. Children were barely tolerated and an inconvenience to Ursula, but she was devoted to me and Mike, and we loved her.

Edited by Terabith
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stephanier.1765

stephanier.1765

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I went through that guilt when my cat died. I took him to the vet, which he hated, put him in the carrier, which he hated, so he could be seen. On the way home from the vet after they had kept him all day, he died in his carrier in the back of the car. So I understand completely where you are coming from and I am so sorry you are going through it. Your little sweet one sounds like an awesome cat and I'm happy you had all those years with her. Big hugs!

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SquirrellyMama

SquirrellyMama

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I'm sorry ? That is so hard.

I understand, we had to put a cat down 2 years ago. I felt so guilty about it too, and wished I had let him pass at home. A few months later we had another kitty pass at home. After her death I felt guilty that I hadn't taken her in to the vet for them to put her down. She was in so much pain that last night. 

It's so hard to know exactly what to do, we have to go easy on ourselves in this painful and sad situation.

Kelly

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City Mouse

City Mouse

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That is so hard! Just reading your post makes me tear up and remember when we had to put our 18yr old cat to sleep. I have had to euthanize cats due to illness and injury, but we hand had them nears as long. While I was sad with each of them (and the first time was traumatic for me), they didnt hold the same place in our family as the 18yr old one.

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TravelingChris

TravelingChris

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When we had to put the smartest cat I ever had- he figured out that thyroid medication made him feel better and stopped fighting it, he alerted me to a fire in my house and so saved our house and lives, etc, etc, he actually was not unhappy at the vets. This was a cat who scared so many vets over the years. That was what made me certain we did the right thing.

But your eulogy was so very touching. When they are in kidney failure, they are in pain. You certainly did the right thing. Hugs to you.

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Terabith

Terabith

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We didn't actually do the testing to confirm that the issue was kidney failure.  The vet said based on the exam, that it was probably either kidney or heart, and we guessed it was probably kidney based on the fact that her numbers hadn't been good for several years.  She was clearly uncomfortable, if not in pain.  The vet said ultimately it didn't really matter unless I needed to know for my own peace of mind, that at her age, she was clearly failing.  And I didn't want to traumatize her by further blood draws.  I think it was the right thing to do; I just wish we could have done it at home where she was comfortable.  

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skimomma

skimomma

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I'm so sorry!  I sit here with my deaf 19yo cat in my lap who has also been a central part of our lives and is STILL bitter about the hairless kitten that appeared in her life 15 years ago.  I commend you for knowing when it was time and being able to do the right thing.  I hope I can do so when the time comes.

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milovany

milovany

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I'm so very sorry.  I know that must be so hard.  Our cat will be 14 in the spring and I dread the day.  She's indoor/outdoor so we're always prepared for sooner rather than later as a possibility.  Maybe your cat wasn't turning her back on you.  Maybe in her final moments, she was trying to protect you from having to see what she was going to go through, trying to protect you from being too sad. 

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Terabith

Terabith

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Thanks.  We still have Scout the Dumb Cat, who is 11, and Obama the Evil Cat, who is 3.  Obama is semi-feral and spends a lot of time outside, but Scout does seem to be rather appreciating more or less being an only cat.  I didn't think of Ursula as being controlling, other than smacking her occasionally for getting in her space, but Scout is being cuddlier.  I'm going to have to figure out a new routine for feeding wet food.  Ursula didn't have teeth, so up until she quit eating in the last few days, she ate a fair bit of wet food.  The other cats are still wanting to be fed the wet food, but leaving a ton in the bowl.  (There's also dry food out at all times, and Obama especially clearly prefers dry food.)  

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chocolate-chip chooky

chocolate-chip chooky

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1 minute ago, Terabith said:

Don't be sorry for your thread!  New kittens are a joy and a blessing and if my husband would let me, I would bring one home tomorrow to cheer myself up!  He's adorable!

Losing a pet hits hard. I still feel guilty that our sweet girl spent her final week caged up in a cat hospital, with everyone hoping she'd miraculously improve. We all do what needs to happen at the time, but man oh man, it's hard.

My thread feels in such bad taste now and I really am sorry. My timing was horrid, albeit unknowing.

Wishing you peace and some kitten love in your future at some point.

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Chris in VA

Chris in VA

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I'm sorry for your loss, Terabith. I will say, you were braver than I was. I (and my husband) just couldn't put our cat down, and her last day was pretty horrible. She died on our couch, with my husband (either he held her or she was beside him, I'm not sure). She was swollen with fluid, and miserable, and convulsed. I couldn't watch, I couldn't wait with her, I left her to my husband instead of doing the merciful thing and putting her down. You gave your cat grace and mercy. I'm glad you had her, that you gave her a wonderful home, that you gave her the gift of accepting her as she was and loving her. I'm glad she gave you the gift of her presence. May you find peace in the remembrance of her life. 

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Terabith

Terabith

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Just now, Chris in VA said:

I'm sorry for your loss, Terabith. I will say, you were braver than I was. I (and my husband) just couldn't put our cat down, and her last day was pretty horrible. She died on our couch, with my husband (either he held her or she was beside him, I'm not sure). She was swollen with fluid, and miserable, and convulsed. I couldn't watch, I couldn't wait with her, I left her to my husband instead of doing the merciful thing and putting her down. You gave your cat grace and mercy. I'm glad you had her, that you gave her a wonderful home, that you gave her the gift of accepting her as she was and loving her. I'm glad she gave you the gift of her presence. May you find peace in the remembrance of her life. 

Thanks.  I don't know if it's bravery...  Years ago, while we were in the process of moving from one apartment to another, while I was pregnant, a cat literally wandered into the apartment and wouldn't leave.  We were busy with moving, and figured as soon as everything was settled, we'd take him into the vet and get him his shots and all that jazz.  But that night at like 3 am, he started screaming in pain.  I had no knowledge of emergency vets, and I sat on the floor with this cat I didn't even know as he died the most horrible, painful death I can imagine.  He hemorrhaged rectally.  It was awful, and I felt so terrible that he was in pain and I was so helpless, so I was determined that that wouldn't happen to Ursula.  I think it was the right thing to do, but my big regret is that I didn't do more to try to find a vet that would make a house call to do it.  I wish she could have died at home, where she felt safe.  

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Chris in VA

Chris in VA

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Just now, Terabith said:

Thanks.  I don't know if it's bravery...  Years ago, while we were in the process of moving from one apartment to another, while I was pregnant, a cat literally wandered into the apartment and wouldn't leave.  We were busy with moving, and figured as soon as everything was settled, we'd take him into the vet and get him his shots and all that jazz.  But that night at like 3 am, he started screaming in pain.  I had no knowledge of emergency vets, and I sat on the floor with this cat I didn't even know as he died the most horrible, painful death I can imagine.  He hemorrhaged rectally.  It was awful, and I felt so terrible that he was in pain and I was so helpless, so I was determined that that wouldn't happen to Ursula.  I think it was the right thing to do, but my big regret is that I didn't do more to try to find a vet that would make a house call to do it.  I wish she could have died at home, where she felt safe.  

I think you are kind and compassionate. And that is a brave way to live life, because it opens you to pain as you try to be with those who suffer, even those very little creatures of this world. ❤️

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moonflower

moonflower

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When my dad died of pneumonia (or COPD, take your pick), it helped me to learn that it was very common for people who lose a close loved one to feel guilty regardless of the circumstances.  I felt very guilty and I still do, but I recognize that it is not necessarily justified or logical.

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