DD and clothes?

[Ann.without.an.e]

She always wears a t shirt and jeans and flip flops or a moc type Merrell.  The core issue is that she doesn't want to be noticed.  She is so afraid if she dresses in something different someone will notice.  They might even say "you look nice" or "I like your (dress/shirt/slacks)".  I know there is no sin in this choice of t shirts and jeans BUT I feel like she needs to grow to the point where she can confidently wear whatever she wants and not worry about if people notice or point it out.  How do I approach this?  Any ideas?  Thoughts?

Edited August 21, 2018 by Attolia

[rebbyribs]

I'm like your DD, and I'd say don't push it.  For a lot of people, especially those who tend more towards being introverts, it's nice to spend time with other people but not really be noticed.

[Ann.without.an.e]

1 minute ago, rebbyribs said:

I'm like your DD, and I'd say don't push it.  For a lot of people, especially those who tend more towards being introverts, it's nice to spend time with other people but not really be noticed.

 

 

She's super introverted.  Like extremely.  I don't like to stand out either and I get that she would never ever be comfortable in loud clothes.  I am just talking about a shirt that isn't a t-shirt haha.  Or some khakis?  Maybe a simple, single color dress?  Is that too much? ?

[regentrude]

Leave her be. Confidence comes with maturity. 15 is the worst age to expect a young woman to wear whatever she wants and not care what other people think. How many of us adult ladies are genuinely at this point?

Seriously,  I would back off. She will find her style, and maybe " cute" isn't it. She doesn't seem susceptible to peer pressure re dressing. I would thank my  lucky stars.

Edited August 20, 2018 by regentrude

[regentrude]

Also, why is it this  important what a girl wears? Aren't we trying to get away from that?

[RootAnn]

I'm not going to be helpful because I'm going to echo rebbyribs & say not to try. My sister & mom were always trying to get me to dress "in style" and my clothes choices would drive them crazy. (I actually tried to please them for awhile, but it just made them more upset with me.) I finally just rebelled completely & purposefully dress in ways to annoy them when I am going to see them. And, I'm an adult. 

When she wants to dress differently, she will know to ask you or her sister for help. Until then, IMO, drop it.

[catz]

I would tread very carefully.  I think it's fine to have some occasions where they need to have a couple level of dress up clothes and you take them out and let them pick out something to their liking that would qualify, whether it's a dress or nicer pants or a skirt or whatever.   I think it can be extremely damaging to hear the people close to you speak repeatedly of not looking right or not having the right style or not accentuating their figure the right way.  Sorry, it's no woman's obligation to dress to someone else's standards of femininity.   I felt like it kind of damaged my mom and my relationship by her making a few too many value judgments on how I looked as a teen and young adult.  

I have a 14 year old D who is extremely casual.  She has been a dancer and performer, so I think she saves her girly, makeup side for shows and feels no desire to do the super girly thing day to day.   I do take her out to shop regularly and make sure she has a few nicer things.  She's happy shopping at goodwill too.   It's her body and her clothes.   Be grateful she isn't super influenced by peer pressure.

 

[rebbyribs]

3 minutes ago, Attolia said:

She's super introverted.  Like extremely.  I don't like to stand out either and I get that she would never ever be comfortable in loud clothes.  I am just talking about a shirt that isn't a t-shirt haha.  Or some khakis?  Maybe a simple, single color dress?  Is that too much? ?

 

If she's dressing to blend in, then she would probably want to wear clothes that fit the situation (e.g. jeans and a t-shirt would stand out at most weddings).  The types of clothes you're talking about are things that I own and wear on occasions where I expect people to be dressed a little nicer.

[gardenmom5]

she's 15 - what's the big deal?  she's not into clothes like you and your other dd, is that a problem for you?

[catz]

I was going to add, if you think she actually has social anxiety, that is an entirely different thing.  Anxiety can be treated.  I wouldn't try to tie that to her choice in clothing.  If she's other wise happy and fine going out in the world in her clothing of choice, you don't have an issue.   For most teens, jeans and tees are appropriate and fine most of the time.  

[alisoncooks]

I agree with previous posters. As long as her choices are reasonably clean and situation-appropriate, leave it. 

FWIW, I *used* to have a cute figure ;)...but I've always preferred jeans/tees over cuter clothes. My mom is dressy/fashionable, and I am very grateful that she didn't push her preferences on me. 

[Crimson Wife]

I cared too much what others thought of my appearance at that age and spent way too much money and time trying to look cute. My almost 16 y.o. is the opposite. I wish she'd be the happy medium, but so long as the clothes meet basic requirements of cleanliness & appropriateness for the weather and occasion, I stay out of it.

[lynn]

Let it be.  At least you're not fighting her to cover up.  My dd is all about comfort, t shirt and jeans, and yes not being noticed as long as clothes are clean I'm good.   Is it does get to me that we have the means for her to dress trendy and get what s in. for back to school shopping she went to gap and chose a few plain t shirts.  She did choose some cute skinny jeans from target and for shoes she wears her sneakers every day.  Not converse or Adidas just some comfortable asic  running shoes.  I'd love for her the choose a cute North face jacket but all she wanted was a few sweaters from target and old navy.

She'll come into her own in time.  Let it be.

[PeachyDoodle]

30 minutes ago, Attolia said:

She has the cutest, model figure and she's 15.  I want so terribly to dress her.  Her sister is dying to pick clothes for her too.  She will never have anything to do with it. She always wears a t shirt and jeans and flip flops or a moc type Merrell.  The core issue is that she doesn't want to be noticed.  She is so afraid if she dresses in something different someone will notice.  They might even say "you look nice" or "I like your (dress/shirt/slacks)".  I know there is no sin in this choice of t shirts and jeans BUT I feel like she needs to grow to the point where she can confidently wear whatever she wants and not worry about if people notice or point it out.  How do I approach this?  Any ideas?  Thoughts?

Theoretically, I'm going to agree with everybody else and say just let her alone. Because I think nothing is going to work anyway, and no point inviting trouble.

But I also have a dd who refuses to wear anything other than t-shirts and jeans and really doesn't want to be noticed. She also won't have anything to do with makeup (she's 13, so I'm okay with that, but I would allow some lip gloss or something if she wanted, or nail polish) or any kind of hairstyle, including ponytails (I have to force her to brush her hair and heaven forbid I insist that she blow dry it instead of sleeping on it wet!). She is so cute and could wear anything she wanted! She had to wear a formal dress for my sister's wedding a couple of weeks ago and consented to having her hair styled (probably because her aunt was asking, not me) and she was soooo pretty! But she hated the compliments.

So I feel you, OP. I wish she was more confident and enjoyed looking her best. Maybe she will grow into it.

 

[lynn]

I wanted to add i noticed at the middle school majority of girls are in jeans and t shirts.

[gardenmom5]

21 minutes ago, Danae said:

My policy is that parents of teenagers get to tell the kid how to dress for important family events (funerals, weddings, Grandma's birthday dinner) and other than that the kids make their own choices. 

1dd was one of those I had to tell to "put it in the wash, and put on something else."  as a joke while clothes shopping, I once held up a lime green fleece pullover.  it was ugly.  she loved it.

21 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

Dresses are never just dresses. Then you have to get into what shoes to wear (unless she could wear her flip flops). It seems like a nuisance to wear a skirt/dress sometimes because of wind or how you carry yourself. I've had stupid things happen like a purse or diaper bag making my garment inch up as I walk and I just don't want to be tugging on my clothes all the time. One of the churches we attend sometimes has vents on the floor. You don't want a Marilyn Monroe moment because the a/c was blasting. 

2dd wore flipflops to her wedding reception. (indoor venue.)  she didn't own any ballet flats.

[Mothersweets]

39 minutes ago, Attolia said:

She has the cutest, model figure and she's 15.  I want so terribly to dress her.  Her sister is dying to pick clothes for her too.  She will never have anything to do with it. She always wears a t shirt and jeans and flip flops or a moc type Merrell.  The core issue is that she doesn't want to be noticed.  She is so afraid if she dresses in something different someone will notice.  They might even say "you look nice" or "I like your (dress/shirt/slacks)".  I know there is no sin in this choice of t shirts and jeans BUT I feel like she needs to grow to the point where she can confidently wear whatever she wants and not worry about if people notice or point it out.  How do I approach this?  Any ideas?  Thoughts?

 I have a daughter just like this! and I totally get where you're coming from, Attolia.((hugs))

I remember when I was that age and all I ever wore was jeans and a t-shirt. I look back with regret because I had a figure and could have worn the cutest stuff!  I think I want my daughter to take advantage of it because I never did. And yes, I know that she is her own person and I can't re-live things through her so I keep my mouth shut and just groan inwardly. 

The one thing I have begun insisting on when we clothes shop is NO MORE BLACK t-shirts and no boyish/oversized t-shirts. 

[maize]

If she were a son would you worry that he didn't try to dress cute/fashionably?

[Guest]

I really just think you leave it alone. As long as clothing fits/is clean/matches in the general sense (so, not a tutu with a vollege sweater and a pair of thigh-high boots, lol), my kids are free to develop their own personal style. 

There is no such thing as a nice way to say, “you are such a cute girl with a lovely shape, why not dress more beautifully?” One time, a mom said something like this to me, on a couple of different ocassions. We aren’t friends anymore. I’m not choosing my clothes to make her feel good about herself. 

And actually, I tend to admire people who don’t need fancy adornments to feel good about themselves. I knew a young lady when I was in college who was from a “modest dress/skirts and dresses” family. Now honestly, I tend to roll my eyes at this, but not in her case. She usually wore a denim or cotton twill skirt at her knees and any kind of cotton or knit tee or top. It was cute. She seemed so unaffected by style, although she looked neat and nice. I thought it was admirable. Her clothing was modest, but in a quiet, simple way. 

[73349]

If a person could go out wearing whatever she likes without people making comments, that could go a long way to making people like your DD more comfortable. You might try doing with clothes what Ellyn Satter has parents do with food--just make sure she has what she needs available and say nothing, either about her appearance or other people's. At least doing that at home might make her willing to experiment a little after a while.

[wintermom]

1 hour ago, Attolia said:

She has the cutest, model figure and she's 15.  I want so terribly to dress her.  Her sister is dying to pick clothes for her too.  She will never have anything to do with it. She always wears a t shirt and jeans and flip flops or a moc type Merrell.  The core issue is that she doesn't want to be noticed.  She is so afraid if she dresses in something different someone will notice.  They might even say "you look nice" or "I like your (dress/shirt/slacks)".  I know there is no sin in this choice of t shirts and jeans BUT I feel like she needs to grow to the point where she can confidently wear whatever she wants and not worry about if people notice or point it out.  How do I approach this?  Any ideas?  Thoughts?

She doesn't want to be noticed for clothes, but maybe there are other areas of her life that have greater meaning to her where she wants to shine. Perhaps music, academics, sports, art, theatre, a job, or whatever. Find out her real interests, and support her in those areas. There are many ways to build self-confidence.

[JenneinCA]

At 15 I didn’t want to be noticed by anyone either.  I lived in Los Angeles and walked to and from the high school.  The catcalls and were already a problem in jeans and a t shirt.  My mother hounded me for the entirety of my high school years for not wearing the right clothes and not wearing the right make up.  She wanted me to look attractive.  I wanted nothing to do with that.  I felt it was dangerous.  

She didn’t think the construction workers that made the comments were a problem because “At least they were saying nice things”.  She didn’t understand that they made me feel threatened and unsafe.  I still wear jeans and t shirts most of the time because I still remember the fear.  I graduated from high school in 1989.

 

[Tree Frog]

1 hour ago, JenneinCA said:

At 15 I didn’t want to be noticed by anyone either.  I lived in Los Angeles and walked to and from the high school.  The catcalls and were already a problem in jeans and a t shirt.  My mother hounded me for the entirety of my high school years for not wearing the right clothes and not wearing the right make up.  She wanted me to look attractive.  I wanted nothing to do with that.  I felt it was dangerous.  

She didn’t think the construction workers that made the comments were a problem because “At least they were saying nice things”.  She didn’t understand that they made me feel threatened and unsafe.  I still wear jeans and t shirts most of the time because I still remember the fear.  I graduated from high school in 1989.

 

This is dd. She has had random strangers proposition her when she's by herself getting gas or just out and about. She is 22 and still prefers jeans and a t-shirt to avoid calling attention to herself.

Please don't suggest to your dd that she needs to dress differently. She will when she needs to.

[kbutton]

I had people ruin dressing up and wearing makeup for me. The makeup was when I did actually wear it for special times, but apparently not enough to make someone happy. I was definitely NOT going to wear it and then have her make a big deal about like I'd taken her "advice." The actual wording of the advice was, "You'd be so pretty if you'd just wear makeup." 

The clothes came at a time when I'd been making peace about my body not being what I'd like it to be (not just weight, but also lots of problems like allergies), and someone decided to "notice" everything I wore and call attention to how I dressed too casually compared to my son. He was going through a suit and tie obsession (identifying with older gentleman at church who took time for him and partly just an ASD thing where he kind of got stuck on it), so the comparison was ridiculous to start with. 

I don't even see these people anymore, and it still bothers me to dress up much. Makeup is totally not happening. I would like to look nicer, but I would get the inevitable, "But you never wear a dress!!!" Reality is, I wouldn't have stopped dressing up at least a little bit if people had just been nice. 

[regentrude]

6 minutes ago, kbutton said:

The actual wording of the advice was, "You'd be so pretty if you'd just wear makeup." 

Wow. Talk about backhanded. I don't wear makeup, but I sure wouldn't after being told something like this.

[Guest]

3 minutes ago, kbutton said:

I had people ruin dressing up and wearing makeup for me. The makeup was when I did actually wear it for special times, but apparently not enough to make someone happy. I was definitely NOT going to wear it and then have her make a big deal about like I'd taken her "advice." The actual wording of the advice was, "You'd be so pretty if you'd just wear makeup." 

The clothes came at a time when I'd been making peace about my body not being what I'd like it to be (not just weight, but also lots of problems like allergies), and someone decided to "notice" everything I wore and call attention to how I dressed too casually compared to my son. He was going through a suit and tie obsession (identifying with older gentleman at church who took time for him and partly just an ASD thing where he kind of got stuck on it), so the comparison was ridiculous to start with. 

I don't even see these people anymore, and it still bothers me to dress up much. Makeup is totally not happening. I would like to look nicer, but I would get the inevitable, "But you never wear a dress!!!" Reality is, I wouldn't have stopped dressing up at least a little bit if people had just been nice. 

I remember there used to be a member here who was “ambushed” one day by a “friend” who had been trying to do a fixer-upper project on the member. The faux friend said things like, “you would be so cute if you styled your hair and stopped wearing it in a messy bun...you have a pretty face but never wear make up; you would be so pretty with it. And you don’t dress as nice as you could, you have a cute figure...” IIRC, the member was crying about this, she was so hurt. And I also feel like I remember this “friend”was from her Bible study group. But I might have that detail wrong. 

I just think that is so horrible...it has been years since that post and I don’t think that member is here anymore, either, but gah...it still galls me to remember it. 

[elegantlion]

I would also leave her be. I have a son who would only wear a core outfit for several years. This last year he was influenced as a 3RD YEAR COLLEGE STUDENT by a professor and a friend to change his style - his own doing, no one said a word to him. I took my son shopping and he bought dress clothes and funky clothes and spent more on shoes than me. He used his own money. I was astounded. This comes from the same kid who wore the same pair of shoes for 5 years as a teen, yeah his feet didn't grow. 

All that to say, she will develop a style when she is ready. Jeans and tshirt may be her style, there is nothing wrong with that. 

My mom still bugs me about my clothes, I'm 51 years old!!! She has a model's body and a touch of vanity and everything just hangs off her nicely. She looks good in almost any color. I have a core wardrobe of black, grey, khaki, and dark olive green. I like those colors, many of my clothes are like garanimals for adults. My mom ALWAYS comments if I wear something that is not those colors. It's irritating because I look just fine in my drab dark colors too, she just doesn't like them. Even at my age, I'm more tempted to be a bit petty and never buy any other color just because I don't want to hear about. 

Embrace her as she is, there is enough insecurity for the average 15 year old and body image. Mom should be the safe place. 

 

[kbutton]

5 minutes ago, regentrude said:

Wow. Talk about backhanded. I don't wear makeup, but I sure wouldn't after being told something like this.

She was known as someone who was genuinely clueless about how rude she could be, but yeah, it was super irritating, and she would have noticed the minute I put any makeup on. 

[Xahm]

To say something slightly different than the general consensus, I was also that girl. For a couple years I only wore blue shirts to avoid attracting any kind of attention to my clothes. At some point, I started to want to dress a little nicer but didn't want to seem immodest or vain, plus my mom had pretty bad taste in clothes herself. I was very thankful I had an aunt and a grandmother who would give me something fashionable but not flashy each year for Christmas. (Well, Grandma had a few spectacular misses!) I loved having a few things that fit my style but were nice. So my advice is, don't talk about it, but if you see things on sale you think fit her personality but are also in style, as long as you can afford it, buy them and drop them off in her room, mentioning they were a great deal. She may never wear them and you'll have to be ok with that, but having them there in case she wants them may help her confidence.

[madteaparty]

4 hours ago, regentrude said:

Also, why is it this  important what a girl wears? Aren't we trying to get away from that?

Yes or I gave up the fight for control way too early. My little DD dresses like Marlene Dietrich already. I’ve given all her dresses away and it was painful to do so but she doesn’t need one more person controlling how she presents herself to the world ?

and anyway, she has become an inadvertent trend setter, her friends all want her haircut. I love it all now. 

[MEmama]

11 minutes ago, elegantlion said:

 

Embrace her as she is, there is enough insecurity for the average 15 year old and body image. Mom should be the safe place. 

 

THIS x1000

[Ravin]

Clothes is an area where I'm a big believer in letting kids do as they please, within the budget and externally imposed dress codes.

[Bambam]

I'd leave it alone. She is a teen - let her pick her own clothes vs. micromanaging her. I think it is fine to set requirements for special occasions (you have to wear a dress or skirt for this, etc), but otherwise if her attire meets your acceptability standards, stay out of the equation.

 

[lavender's green]

I was like that at 15, and I slowly but surely developed into my own personal style. Anything my mom said (or asked relatives to say) backfired. Badly and hurtfully.

The only thing that might have been useful was lessons in dressing for the occasion.

[happi duck]

Is she dressing how she wants to dress?  Or is she wishing she could wear dresses and fitted clothes but refuses because of attention?

If she is dressing how she wants to then I'd stay out of it.

If she wants to dress differently but is scared of attention and possibly harrassment then perhaps address how to handle attention and harrassment. 

[Targhee]

I confidently wear jeans, a T-shirt, and flip flops or sandals nearly every day. Sunday’s I wear a skirt to church and promptly change out of it when I get home. Because I want to. I wear make fewer than 5 times a year (and I’m in my 40s), and my hair is either down (straight, plain cut, side part), up (ponytail/messy bun), or nicely up on some occasions. And I LOVE it. It’s who I am and I’m comfortable with that.

when I was a teen people tried to dress me up and it only made me self-conscious (wasn’t I good enough how I was??? don’t people see my personality, intelligence,  and confidence??? do the people who love me most not even see that???).  

And when I went away to college I branched out and tried new styles and styling.  Free from feeling like someone was observing and critiquing my appearance I was able to explore myself.  Guess what - I came back to jeans and t-Shirts (I did move from Tevas to Chacos in 2002 but that’s about the only change).

My advice is leave the issue, don’t comment or make a fuss and try not to think about it, just love her and give her the space so she can explore from a state of confidence.

[laundrycrisis]

If she has a need for dressier clothes for a specific reason, you can encourage her to find a style that she would be comfortable with and offer to pay for a couple of outfits.  But do NOT attach strings meaning that you have to like what she picks.  My mother tried this on me.  It backfired. 

I only wear casual clothes unless I have a specific reason to dress more formally.  When I do dress up, the shapes and styles have to be very simple.  I would rather skip an event than have to wear something I'm not comfortable in.

I look at people who dress up for no reason - meaning, not for work, or a wedding, funeral, church, recital or fancy party - and I just wonder what the hell they are up to !  Wearing fancy clothes around for no reason - I will never understand !   To me it's like wearing just a swimsuit to the grocery store.   If someone tried to tell me I should dress fancier just to do it, no other reason, I would conclude that we are from different planets.  Pushing me on this would erode our relationship.  

[Catwoman]

55 minutes ago, laundrycrisis said:

If she has a need for dressier clothes for a specific reason, you can encourage her to find a style that she would be comfortable with and offer to pay for a couple of outfits.  But do NOT attach strings meaning that you have to like what she picks.  My mother tried this on me.  It backfired. 

I only wear casual clothes unless I have a specific reason to dress more formally.  When I do dress up, the shapes and styles have to be very simple.  I would rather skip an event than have to wear something I'm not comfortable in.

I look at people who dress up for no reason - meaning, not for work, or a wedding, funeral, church, recital or fancy party - and I just wonder what the hell they are up to ! Wearing fancy clothes around for no reason - I will never understand !   To me it's like wearing just a swimsuit to the grocery store.   If someone tried to tell me I should dress fancier just to do it, no other reason, I would conclude that we are from different planets.  Pushing me on this would erode our relationship.  

 

What’s the difference between someone dressing casually and another person being more dressed up? It’s all just clothes. I can put on a dressy outfit just as quickly as I can put on a pair of jeans and a polo shirt. I vary between dressy and casual, but my mom and grandmother were what you would think of as being “dressed up” every single day. It was the way they lived and they could be dressed and do their hair and makeup faster than most people can put on jeans and a sweatshirt, tie their sneakers, and pull their hair back into a ponytail. 

I do agree with you that no one should tell you how to dress or judge you for what you’re wearing. That’s mean. I think everyone should wear whatever makes them feel most comfortable and mind their own business about what other people are wearing. Because, again, it’s just clothes.

Edited August 21, 2018 by Catwoman
I blame iPad for the typos!

[laundrycrisis]

5 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

 

What’s the difference between someone dressing casually and another person being more dressed up? It’s all just clothes. I can put on a dressy outfit just as quickly as I can put on a pair of jeans and a polo shirt. I vary between dressy and casual, but my mom and grandmother were what you would think of as being “dressed up” every single day. It was the way they lived and they could be dressed and do their hair and makeup faster than most people can put on jeans and a sweatshirt, tie their sneakers, and pull their hair back into a ponytail. 

I do agree with you that no one should tell you how to dress or judge you for what you’re wearing. That’s mean. I think everyone should wear whatever makes them feel most comfortable and mind their own business about what other people are wearing. Because, again, it’s just clothes.

I get it - my dad would never leave the house in jeans, shorts or tennis shoes - those were for yard work ! He dressed for the office everywhere he went and in the fall and winter, that included an actual wool tweed men’s dress hat.  No kidding - even with a little feather in it !!!    Dressing up like people did 35 years ago (then) made him comfortable as much as it makes me itch.  When someone feels this strongly about how casual or dressy they like being, IMO it’s a temperament thing and there is  not much that will influence what they feel comfortable in. 

[moonflower]

I think that for people (me!) who dress 70% for comfort and the remaining 30% for not looking so out of the norm that people notice, "dressing up" (which I take to mean wearing uncomfortable clothes for the sake of looking nice) is just a set of values I don't share.  I don't think they're invalid values, and certainly I've even shared them at various points in life - but at this point in my life, now, dressing up for any non-necessary (for social fitting in) reasons seems like such a sacrifice of comfort (almightly comfort!) at the altar of beauty.

 

There was a time when I valued beauty more highly than comfort, but it's been a while ?

[J-rap]

Everyone else has given nice advice I think, so I won't repeat.  But I did want to suggest that you be careful not to use "cute, model figure" as a reason for her to dress cuter.  What if she didn't have a cute, model figure?  Would you feel the same way?  

[Tanaqui]

Has she told you she's not confident in other clothes and these things aren't what she wants, deep down, to wear? Or are you projecting?

[lailasmum]

I totally agree with all the people who say leave her alone in this area. I know for me attention placed on my appearance has always felt nasty and I like to be casual and comfortable. If she's happy with what she's wearing then I don't think it matters. My 14 yr old wears nearly the same thing everyday in a variety of colours. Just a pair of cords or jeans and a t-shirt. She doesn't think about her appearance outside of being the right temperature and comfortable.  

[Katy]

Having a cute, model figure is a good reason for her to dress down. Most professional models wear jeans, plain t's, and no makeup every day. She already gets more attention than she wants, and for all the wrong reasons. And not just lewd comments from teen boys or creepy old men, but snarky comments from jealous girls. It IS threatening and dangerous, especially if she doesn't have the skills to handle that attention. Even more so if she has the false idea that she must be nice to creepy men.

It IS okay to insist she dress up for special occasions, where she will be with (and protected by) family all day. And I do mean stay with her.  If you're on a road trip to a wedding and stop at a rest area or for gas, stay with her and witness the stares and comments she gets, even with a parent nearby.  I think it's even okay to insist she wear a particular outfit you pick out to a family wedding, for example.  But not every day.

It's also okay (and even a good idea) to have some discussions about how to handle unwanted attention (even when dressing down). It's a really good idea to teach her that it's okay to alternately turn a man down with a smile or be a total b**** towards men who give her unwanted attention, depending on the situation, and to FEEL GOOD when they call her that word, because it means they heard and respect her boundary, even if they resent it because they feel entitled to her. It might also be a really good idea to get her in a self defense class. As someone who dressed down for most of high school and college and then had people I know do double takes when I bothered with cute dresses and contacts and makeup, I REALLY WISH my parents had had those conversations with me.  They did get me into self-defense training and teach me to listen to my intuition though, and for that I'll be eternally grateful.

[Andromeda]

Agreeing with Katy here.

I was that kid. Except that my mother "went there." She altered my skirts into mini-length, and tossed out my long skirts that could not be altered. I was forced to wear this stuff I hated and endured her comments about style and how I should wear bright colors and short-short everything - until I moved out. Even now she sometimes buys me clothes that I would never wear and tries to guilt me into taking them because "the return period has ended."  At least now I have the ability to just say no and ask her to donate the whatever the items she bought.

I had men follow me multiple times, had men and women toss out comments in my face, and it was very very difficult. I was not equipped to deal with it at all. Please don't do this to your child. I know you mean well and you love her very much, but please don't do this.

[catz]

6 hours ago, J-rap said:

Everyone else has given nice advice I think, so I won't repeat.  But I did want to suggest that you be careful not to use "cute, model figure" as a reason for her to dress cuter.  What if she didn't have a cute, model figure?  Would you feel the same way?  

I have to admit the phrase "cute model figure" sets my teeth on edge.  I got a lot of "you have such a cute figure" as a teen.  I can highly relate to the person who was cat called regularly in the 80's.  I got a lot of that as a teen that looked older than my age and a young adult.  Yuck.  I'm much more comfortable in a chunky middle age mom body no one cares about.  LOL.

I would also say, in this day and age, models increasingly come in a variety of shapes and sizes.  What if this D's figure is fuller in a year or 2?  Do you comment then?  My only comments to my daughter are on general health and hygiene issues.  I provide healthy food options and try to model making decent choices, which I'm not perfect at.  My 14 year old daughter is SOOO much more confident and body comfortable than I was at her age.  I don't think you do a teen's mental health or your mother daughter relationship any favors by commenting on their body shape or clothing.  

Edited August 21, 2018 by FuzzyCatz

[itsheresomewhere]

Let her be.  It drove my mother nuts (and still does) that I wear comfortable clothes. My daily wear is jeans/shorts,T-shirt and sneakers/keens and no make up.  My idea of make up is lip gloss.   My mother to this day has to be dressed complete with make up to go to the gym.  

Be happy that you have raised a confident girl who doesn’t need clothes to make her who she is. 

[Clemsondana]

I tend to get in 'clothing grooves', and for my teen years until most of the way through grad school, jeans and a T, with a flannel or sweatshirt tied around my waist, were my uniform from the time it got cool until it got hot - in the southern heat, I'd sub jean shorts or shortalls in the summer.  For me, those were years when I really needed to feel competent - I was taking challenging classes, learning to work in a lab, etc - and wearing clothing that felt awkward or fussy (requiring adjustment of straps, straightening of ruffles, etc) made me feel incompetent.  There may have been an 'I'm working, not dressing to be noticed' aspect to it - it's hard to remember what I was thinking, but I know I had some tops that were a little tighter that I might wear to a Friday night outing in college that I never would have considered for class, even though they were probably similar levels of dressiness.  I wore appropriate clothes to other events - I had some sundresses and skirt/sweater combos for church and the occasional nice outing/wedding.  Over time, as my role switched from student or lab worker to the many hats of mom, church lady who has lunch meetings, community college teacher, etc, I grew into having several sets of clothes - track pants, knit shorts, T shirts, etc, for days that I'm at home, knit or flowy skirts and Ts or capris for church lady days, and some business casual stuff for teaching.  

My mom, who always dresses perfectly, was not a fan - even now, she thinks that my clothes are frumpy, even when I'm getting compliments on my legging/tunic combos from other co-op moms - but she's accepted that I don't care as much as she does.  Over time, I've gotten some things that make my clothes look more put-together - a cheap long necklace to wear with tunics, some comfy sandals with a bit of bling that look more dressy - but it's been a process.  One of the best things that my mom did was when she gave me a multicolored floral backpack and said 'I know you're not going to change purses all the time, and you haul a lot around, so I thought this would be able to hold everything and match a lot of your clothes so it will always look good'.  At this point, I think we've reached an understanding. ?  

[Ann.without.an.e]

10 hours ago, Tanaqui said:

Has she told you she's not confident in other clothes and these things aren't what she wants, deep down, to wear? Or are you projecting?

 

 

Yes, she is afraid that someone will notice her.  The issue here isn't so much what she wears but why she is choosing to wear what she wears.

[bolt.]

1 minute ago, Attolia said:

 

 

Yes, she is afraid that someone will notice her.  The issue here isn't so much what she wears but why she is choosing to wear what she wears.

Why is that not a good enough reason to prefer the kind of clothing she prefers?

Is it because it includes the word “afraid”?

Would it feel better to you if she said, “I feel most peaceful and happy when I believe I’m blending in.” — instead of saying that she feels a lack of peace when she thinks she might be standing out?

I think, probably, both of you will be happier if you accept that people like their clothing for a wide variety of personal reasons, and they don’t owe anyone an explaination.