Do you know any Tiger Mom's?

[Stibalfamily]

Do you know any Tiger Mom's

 

Edited for confidentiality 

Edited March 12, 2018 by Stibalfamily

[Jean in Newcastle]

Not to that extent, no.

 

 

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[Garga]

Wow!  What a culture clash!  

 

I don't know anyone like that in person.  I would struggle with being around her, too, because our ideas of how to raise kids are so far apart.  I would be feeling sad for her kids and she'd probably be feeling sad for mine!  It would be hard to find common ground and not just annoy the heck out of each other.

[Dmmetler]

No, but I’ve met a lot of people who assume I’m one because DD was doing Y at X age.

[wintermom]

There are a lot of Asian families in our music school, and many have come through the Chinese hyper-competitive university system. They were probably pushed very hard by their own parents in order to get spaces in schools. Some have come from very poor families. When they settle down in Canada, some ease back a little in the hyper-competitiveness with their own children, though they still put them in all kinds of music, sports and academic extra-curricular programs. 

 

I don't see where you need to feel bad or bite your tongue at all. How they parent their children is their own business. They may have lived a life of working extremely hard to get where they are now. And they probably want their children to succeed as well. It's still very challenging to be a visible minority in many countries. They don't have the luxury to take anything for granted. 

[Seasider]

Makes me sad to imagine what her childhood may have been like.

[Stibalfamily]

And don't get me wrong. I know she loves her children. And I am not sitting here feeling self righteous. I know it's a cultural difference. But, I am pretty sure  this schedule would crush almost any 4 year old. Even a brilliant one.

[Arcadia]

My husband’s brother and his wife are similar but it’s the pressure cooker culture in my home country. They were using My Baby Can Read to teach their kids to read once they were four months old but didn’t succeed. Still they try to convince us to use the program which DS13 gave a stink eye to as a baby when they were at our home and pop the DVD in :lol:

 

My home country gives out monetary awards from 1st grade (6 years old) for being the top 10% and top 25% in school. There is also bragging rights as awards are given out in an annual award ceremony. People will post photos of award ceremonies of their children on Facebook.

 

“EDUSAVE MERIT BURSARY

How much: $200 to $500*

Who qualifies: Students within the top 25 per cent of each level and course in their schools, and from households with monthly income of not more than $6,000, or per capita income not exceeding $1,500.

 

GOOD PROGRESS AWARD

How much: $100 to $400*

Who qualifies: Students from Primary 2 who are among the top 10 per cent of those who have made significant improvement in their academic performance.â€

 

Here I do know neighbors who are trying to get their two year olds to read because they will ask in the neighborhood moms group for recommendations of phonics programs and classes that would get kids reading before preschool. Making kids memories the multiplication tables before preschool is quite common. Considering how hard it is to get accepted into IIT India (2% acceptance rate), it isn’t surprising for parents to be looking for ways to get ahead for their kids. Tiger dads are just as common as tiger moms, it’s not women only.

[Jean in Newcastle]

And don't get me wrong. I know she loves her children. And I am not sitting here feeling self righteous. I know it's a cultural difference. But, I am pretty sure this schedule would crush almost any 4 year old. Even a brilliant one.

It makes me angry when parents push kids beyond what is developmentally appropriate. I understand gifted kids. I have taught them professionally and I have a couple of my own. But those kids pull the parents along, they don’t have to be pushed and punished. I also understand many Asian cultures and I understand the push for the American dream up close. I have married into an Asian immigrant family who holds education as very important. But I still go back to my initial statement. This level of pushing is not appropriate in my opinion. That said, I don’t think it rises to the level of abuse so I would feel badly for the kids while remaining silent unless someone asked my opinion. If I was asked, I would try to gently educate on the topic of normal child development.

[kitten18]

I don’t know any anymore. I used to know one, she took her daughter out of our ballet studio because the teachers refused to push her beyond what her body was ready to do. From the moment she got out of school she was either at tutoring, dance, or gymnastics until at least 10pm (she was about 8 or 9 years old at the time).

[Frances]

Besides it being very sad, I don’t even get the point of requiring that much reading at age four. Most young children are going to get far more out of audio books and being read to rather than reading themselves because they are being exposed to much higher level vocabulary and concepts. Bright children who learn to read at six or seven rather than preschool age catch up very quickly. If they are really concerned about getting ahead, it seems a far better use of the two hours would be reading to him or having him listen to audio books.

[Suzanne in ABQ]

Not personally, but our exchange student is from Japan.  She plays piano at a college level, she is a competitive skier, she speaks both Japanese and English fluently, and she is earning almost straight-A's in her American high school.    

 

All this came at a price.  She tells us of her life in Japan: School never ends (no breaks), piano practice 2-3 hours per day, skiing 5-7 nights a week, studying for endless exams, having to place in the top few percent of her class in order to get into college (the same in junior high school to get into high school).  It's intense.  

 

She has said she never slept as much as she does here in America.  And she never had a break that didn't involve homework and cram school.  

[Stibalfamily]

It makes me angry when parents push kids beyond what is developmentally appropriate. I understand gifted kids. I have taught them professionally and I have a couple of my own. But those kids pull the parents along, they don’t have to be pushed and punished. I also understand many Asian cultures and I understand the push for the American dream up close. I have married into an Asian immigrant family who holds education as very important. But I still go back to my initial statement. This level of pushing is not appropriate in my opinion. That said, I don’t think it rises to the level of abuse so I would feel badly for the kids while remaining silent unless someone asked my opinion. If I was asked, I would try to gently educate on the topic of normal child development.

 

I don't think she is particularly impressed with how we do school. But it's apples and oranges. My DS was diagnosed with a neurological disorder, ADD/ADHD and LD's in reading, writing and math. To simply stay at or near grade level we have to work very hard. As it is, we school year around and we are barely keeping our heads above water. I doubt she looks to us as an example. In fact I think she was trying to extoll the virtues of how she does school. So I will keep my mouth shut unless asked. 

[Arcadia]

Bright children who learn to read at six or seven rather than preschool age catch up very quickly. If they are really concerned about getting ahead, it seems a far better use of the two hours would be reading to him or having him listen to audio books.

Some of the private schools start tracking at preschool level :( I went to tour a few preschools when my DS13 was a two year old just to see what it is like. At least two preschools give their 3 year old students daily reading homework and 4 year olds who aren’t reading yet would have felt behind. Some public schools track from kindergarten even though they don’t officially say so. My kid’s kindergarten teacher was already taking note which students are likely to qualify for the GATE program in 2nd grade and she isn’t the only teacher doing that. Teachers that didn’t teach my kid came and chat with me about him.

[Epicurean]

My DH teaches math, and he was talking to an Indian guy we met. The guy's mother taught math at university, so everyone expected him to excel at math. But his mom would drill him and rap his knuckles with a cane, and the pressure to perform was so intense that he actually wet his pants a few times under her scrutiny. When he went to college, he completely avoided anything that required math. "You are so lucky your parents are white," he said. "Indian parents believe that children are pieces of iron that must be forged with a hammer."

[KungFuPanda]

I know very few families like that.  We're in the exact same place in life and probably enjoyed the journey much more, so I don't feel remotely bad that I don't push my kids as hard.  They're super nice people.  We just have different styles.

[Crimson Wife]

Yeah, in my neck of the woods there are lots of them.

 

My oldest was in a spelling bee one time where she was the last non-Asian child standing (she ultimately placed 7th). One of the other moms was forcing her younger child (who couldn't have been more than 6 y.o.) to spell each word in the contest. She would plug up his ears while the contestant was spelling and then drill him while they were bringing the next contestant up. I found it totally bizarre, but that's why South Asians have dominated competitive spelling in recent years.

[Frances]

Some of the private schools start tracking at preschool level :( I went to tour a few preschools when my DS13 was a two year old just to see what it is like. At least two preschools give their 3 year old students daily reading homework and 4 year olds who aren’t reading yet would have felt behind. Some public schools track from kindergarten even though they don’t officially say so. My kid’s kindergarten teacher was already taking note which students are likely to qualify for the GATE program in 2nd grade and she isn’t the only teacher doing that. Teachers that didn’t teach my kid came and chat with me about him.

Reading this just makes me so glad my son never went to any school like the ones you describe, as it seems such a huge waste of time and so developmentally inappropriate for many kids. My son’s preschoolers teachers certainly recognized that he loved words and had an adult level vocabulary, but they didn’t teach or push reading. While we spent hours reading to him and he loved audio books, I didn’t even start teaching him to read until almost seven. But he’s aced every reading/verbal test he’s ever taken, including when he took the PSAT completely cold as a sophomore and his first and only attempt at the SAT.

[shawthorne44]

I don't know any well, but DD and I used to know several.   DD has always been small for her age.   We used to spend lots of time in the kid's area of the library and DD would gravitate to playing with the Asian kids because they played at her level and were roughly the same size.  Intellectually DD compared favorably with her playmates and I always hated to see that look in the mom's eyes of "Well!   We can't have that!  I am going to have to crack down because I've obviously been too lax if that blonde child is doing XYZ before mine".   Some of it was that they thought DD was about a year younger than she was.  To save the poor children misery I always mentioned DD's age in the manner to make it seem the oldest, and I stopped volunteering milestones.  

[SKL]

I know people who have done it or had it done to them decades ago.  But the kids didn't grow up any smarter than a lot of American kids who were allowed to just be.  I can't think of any in the current generation who I know are doing this ... but it might be happening under the radar.

 

I am not really sure what 2 hours of reading might look like for this very bright 4yo.  I don't think it's too much reading; my kid was a book fiend even at that age and probably read more than 2 hours without being asked.  Also, she was in full-time day school (preschool / preK / KG) and did reading (and piano practice) with me in the evenings.  So 2 hours a day of book work for a kid who knows how to read doesn't automatically sound wrong.  I didn't punish to make her learn though.

 

I never really thought to try teaching math facts etc. to a preschooler.  I always believed that understanding should be achieved first, that all those meaningless "facts" were of no benefit without the concepts, and that once concepts were learned, "facts" would be within easy reach.  I find it interesting to hear that whole cultures make preschoolers memorize such things.  It sounds kind of sad to think that some kids are getting punished over a baby competition that won't matter in the long run.

[Epicurean]

I will say that there there are things that I think Tiger Moms get right, like focusing on music over sports, giving their kids responsibility at a young age, and challenging their kids instead of letting them coast by.

[Mimm]

Having not successfully raised a child to adulthood, far be it from me to tell someone else they're doing it wrong. But, as the mother of a four year old, I can't imagine. The tiny amounts of school things I do with my daughter are led by her and take no more than 20-30 minutes broken up into multiple sessions. To her, it's all games. Different worlds. But these kids grow up into functional and even successful adults who usually maintain relationships with their parents, so it can't be completely damaging to them right?

[Sk8ermaiden]

We had a tiger dad come into DD's old gymnastics team. He had pulled his 8 year old daughter out of her old gym because they weren't working hard enough. She was put in my DD's training group. She absolutely had the strength and talent to keep up and excel, but she hated it. They do lots and lots of rope and she would cry all the way up every time. Practices at this gym were extremely conditioning focused, and the kids who were sent to the team stream had the the physical strength to do it, but then they self-selected through the years to girls who ENJOYED it. So the other girls would beg to do a few more reps when practice was over and IF THEY WANTED TO and they didn't have to head out right away the coaches started letting them go back and practice whatever their favorite skill was a few more times. 

 

This little girl would always try to leave at the end of practice, and her dad would send her right back out to do extra. She would pick the station farthest away from the parent viewing and stand around. He demanded that she be moved up to even more practice hours, and then when he found out the homeschool team went even more, he pulled her out of school. I don't know what he must do for a living, but I always saw him standing at practice, watching her every move. I just don't get it. I am a huge fan of the life lessons you learn in gymnastics, but you're really not going to learn any of them if you're forced to be there and you hate it. 

[Ali in OR]

I used to teach at a high-achieving high school in the bay area of CA. In recent years, my old school has been in the news for the many student suicides. Since I used to teach there, I found in-depth articles on-line to find out what was going on. Not all articles mentioned it but at least one noted that the suicides were all Asian males. The articles talked about the pressures kids feel in that school, some blaming teachers, and I will say there isn't the same kind of pressure in our area of Oregon (kids can be kids to a larger extent here). I'm not close enough to the situation to really know, but I've wondered what pressure the kids felt from their own families to always be the best and score the highest.

[kroe1]

Yes, I was one. I make no apologies. The first child DD37 has saved countless lives as an ER physician. I am sure his patients are grateful he had a tiger mom. The second one DD17 is at Liberty University doing very well. I am sure she has no regrets having a tiger mom every time she sees those “A’s†on her semester transcript.

 

By the way, both kids were born with normal intelligence. They are both now considered highly gifted, if not geniuses. But, they grew up as the kids who did everything well, sports, music, academics, leadership, etc. The secret to at least some of their success is the tiger mom who raised them.

[HomeAgain]

No, but I'm sure our friends consider us Tiger parents.  I know dh's family considers us super strict with our kids, and combining that with ds8's academic ease....it paints a picture that is not very accurate from an insider's point of view. 

[whitestavern]

I will say that there there are things that I think Tiger Moms get right, like focusing on music over sports, giving their kids responsibility at a young age, and challenging their kids instead of letting them coast by.

 

Yes, I believe there's a happy medium. It's been the hardest part of parenting for us, trying to figure out how much to push our kids and when/where. We erred on the side of not pushing. I wish my kids were more self motivated and put more effort into their school work and extracurriculars. They're good kids, and we really like who they are as people/love hanging out together, but I do feel like we should've pushed them a little more than we did. Maybe that self motivation will come in college/adulthood. Admittedly dh and I weren't real go getters either until college and afterwards. ETA: the kids do "fine" in school. DD gets good grades and is in all honors and AP classes, and so far college acceptances have been favorable. DS has decent grades, but they could certainly be better. But, they do what they do with minimal effort, so it's hard not to wonder what they could accomplish if they really tried.

Edited February 5, 2018 by whitestavern

[SparklyUnicorn]

No, but I’ve met a lot of people who assume I’m one because DD was doing Y at X age.

 

Same here.  I was asked a few times what my secret is when my kid was reading early.  I had no secret!

[Sneezyone]

I don’t know any parents like this in real life. My social circle is mostly populated by college friends (largely self-motivated first-gens) who tend to be more focused on ‘why is my kid less driven/motivated than I was’ than ‘how can I push my kid to be the best’.

 

I would be surprised to come across it in person but not shocked or all that disappointed for the kids. Those same types of parents are where kids like the Williams sisters come from.

 

Maybe because we have so many non-high achieving gifted kids in my family, I admire the years of sustained, grueling work that it takes to be that good at things. Most folks don’t have the desire to work that hard, I know I don’t.

 

For my own family, I want to strike a balance between my kids developing internal motivation and being responsive to external pressure.

Edited February 5, 2018 by Sneezyone

[mom2scouts]

My son was reading at a 7th grade level at age 5. He taught himself to read and reading was his own choice. This woman will kill her child's love of reading and learning and I feel sorry for him.

 

I do know a few women I would call Tiger Moms. They don't just encourage their child to practice at home, they require it. One woman requires Kumon math tutoring for her straight A math student "just to make sure he stays ahead". Another panics if someone else's child gets a gymnastics skill before her daughter and immediately signs up for private lessons to work on that skill. She went to three different gyms looking for one that would allow her daughter to compete and finally found one that allowed her on their Xcel team. None of the Tiger Moms I know are minorities or immigrants.

 

We have a very high income, highly competitive community near us. Most of the kids do well, but they also have high drug use and suicide.

[wintermom]

I suspect that my grandmother was a bit of a Tiger Mom with her children. She was an immigrant to Canada in the early 1900's, was widowed with 3 young children, and had to figure out a way to provide for herself and her children. She did it, through being tougher than she probably wanted to be. She also died in her early 60s. Her children did succeed in their professions and life, so it's quite an amazing tribute to her hard work.

 

I don't have the necessity or will-power to push my own dc like a typical Tiger Mom, and my dh certainly is no Tiger Dad. I do my best to encourage excellence and trying one's best in academics, music and sport. We are not involved in any competitive activities, but do very well in the non-competitive areas. I'm hoping that I've instilled a good work ethic and provided opportunities for my dc feel confident and prepared to make their own goals and strive to achieve them in their adulthood. 

 

My job as a parent isn't to make their lives "fun" and free of challenges, but it's not my job to push them toward things they are not developmentally ready for, either.

Edited February 5, 2018 by wintermom

[madteaparty]

I think the definition of tiger mom varies a lot. By my definition, I know some both on this board and in real life.

Frankly, I admire them. The one I know in real life looks amazing and has boundless energy and resources to sink into her kids and it shows. I don’t have that sort of energy, because to make your kid work that hard, YOU have to work equally hard. I’m lazy.

Edited February 5, 2018 by madteaparty

[madteaparty]

note: reading in kindy ..common here among the affluent and those with educated parents. the dc are surrounded with print, and they have a high vocab just from their life, so its not hard for them to crack the code. I wouldn't even call a 4 year old reading at a fifth grade level the product of a tiger mom or highly gifted as the ones I know didn't have lessons...just upper middle class life style.

You know where I live, not exactly a super competitive area 😂but some higher education because of the college. Most of my DD’s K class couldn’t read, the college profs kids included. They were picking apples and baking pies in public K... Edited February 5, 2018 by madteaparty

[8circles]

I know a few IRL and some sound like they are online.

 

I think that there are definite outward positives that you can see from Tiger parenting. Sometimes there can be internal positives in building resilience.

 

But I wonder if these positives are worth the price that was paid and I'm sure that for some people it is and others it isn't. It isn't worth it to me to risk the negatives. I have heard more people regret parenting or being parented in the Tiger way than I've heard people regret not. I was Tiger parented and it did me no favors.

 

People also have different ideas of what it means to Tiger parent. Not Tiger parenting does not mean not pushing/challenging your kids or slacking.

[wintermom]

 

People also have different ideas of what it means to Tiger parent. Not Tiger parenting does not mean not pushing/challenging your kids or slacking.

 

Where is a formal definition of a "Tiger Mom?"  Is there a scale of 1 - 10, so I can rate myself on how "Tiger Mom" I am on a given day? ;)

[Katy]

I know a few people consider me to be one, but I don't force three hours of anything, I just avoid busy-work and focus on challenging curriculum at an individual pace.

 

The main thing I learned from reading that book is that they do teach their children very strong work ethics, and to push through the emotions that enable me, for example, to allow my children to quit something.

[Elizabeth86]

Nope. This is sad. I live in a poor rural area, so honestly education standards aren't a high priority for many.

 

I am blown away when I see what people here have their kids doing. Math grade levels ahead, foreign language, arts and music all these extras that I couldn't imagine how they get it it done. I am able to get appropriate grade level phonics and reading and math done regularly and that wears me out. My kids are very on grade level and that's all I care about. My kids/family aren't currently interest in extracurriculars and that's fine by me. :lol: All I want is for my kids to be happy and average. :lol:

Edited February 5, 2018 by Elizabeth86

[maize]

By the way, both kids were born with normal intelligence. They are both now considered highly gifted, if not geniuses. But, they grew up as the kids who did everything well, sports, music, academics, leadership, etc. The secret to at least some of their success is the tiger mom who raised them.

You had them IQ tested as infants?

[Crimson Wife]

I will say that there there are things that I think Tiger Moms get right, like focusing on music over sports, giving their kids responsibility at a young age, and challenging their kids instead of letting them coast by.

 

I don't agree with the bolded as there are many benefits to playing sports. A lot of the people I know who are very successful in their careers were athletes in high school. I think a lot of management skills are learned through being on a sports team.

 

The people I know who were big into music in high school haven't done as well in their careers. Most of them are doing okay, but not they are not in or on the path to achieve the most senior positions.

[DawnM]

Yes, I have known a few.  And I know some who think they are not, but they are (children in two orchestras at a time, a sport, AP classes, must get all A's, parents went to MIT, etc...)

 

They are all Asian.  

 

However, the truth is, my Asian kid has not been raised that way and still gets all A's, plans to apply for the IB program in high school, wants as many APs as he can get, and pushes himself......all on his own.  

 

 

 

 

[Heathermomster]

Yes. We knew one family. I witnessed first hand the mother use shame as a motivator, and the child lacked humility and compassion. They moved and I’m thankful.

[MysteryJen]

Yes, I know a few tiger moms. The one thing that they have in common is their insistence that they always know best for their kid. Music is better for Some kids, sports is better for others. To me, the hallmark of the tiger mom is not how hard they push, because I think lots of parents push for grades, good performances, etc, but rather the absolute tone-deafness of their talk about their kids. The athlete denied opportunites or the musician/artists pushed relentlessly into STEM classes are two examples that I know personally.

[wintermom]

I think people do what they know and what comes naturally to them in the long run, as parents, as workers and in recreation (if they have opportunities for that).  They may be pushed/forced temporarily to do things they don't like and don't succeed in, but that just takes too much effort over the long run. It would take extreme dedication and motivation to continue to force someone to do something. Eventually efforts would have to be put into something or someone else where it's easier and there seems to be more to show for it. 

[Lang Syne Boardie]

Yes, I was one. I make no apologies. The first child DD37 has saved countless lives as an ER physician. I am sure his patients are grateful he had a tiger mom. The second one DD17 is at Liberty University doing very well. I am sure she has no regrets having a tiger mom every time she sees those “A’s†on her semester transcript.

 

By the way, both kids were born with normal intelligence. They are both now considered highly gifted, if not geniuses. But, they grew up as the kids who did everything well, sports, music, academics, leadership, etc. The secret to at least some of their success is the tiger mom who raised them.

1. There are a zillion successful adults and college students who did not have tiger parents.

 

2. Parents of kids who do everything well can only take some of the credit - the child's innate abilities and health (physical, emotional, mental) have a lot more to do with it. For example, I had non-nuturing parents who could be neglectful and abusive, but I was a kid who grew up doing everything well. My adult children had more normal parents and were like that, too. If I take full credit, I have to give my mom full credit, which would be a joke.

 

3. You can't bully someone's IQ from average up to genius. That's nonsense.

 

Really, if children turn out well - as happy, healthy, moral and strong as possible - doesn't humility require that we just give thanks? Doesn't honesty require an acknowledgement of our own mistakes, to check us from thinking we must have been perfect parents?

[Bootsie]

Yes, DH works with a couple who sent there not quite three year old to summer camp--which included 2 hours of math, 2 hours of reading, and 2 hours of science study.

[snowbeltmom]

I just went to a birthday party today and was talking with a friend of mine. Her son is four and can read basically anything, somewhere around a 4th or 5th grade reading level! So of course I was trying to get her secret sauce of reading.

(snip).

This comment about trying to discover her secret sauce struck a nerve with me. One of my kids was an early reader similar to the woman's child mentioned in the OP. I used to have pregnant women and other parents that I didn't know come up to me in the preschool pick-up line asking me what flashcards I used when my kid was an infant and did I do anything special when I was pregnant with him. I didn't do anything special, but some of these mothers seemed not to believe me when I told them that. I got the impression that some of them thought I wanted to keep that secret sauce to myself.

 

I have had some people refer to me as tiger mom because...

 

1. I homeschool and think my kids are "too good" for the public schools. Well, we did pull our kids out of the Newsweek ranked Blue Ribbon, blah, blah, blah,public schools because I thought the academics were lacking. If this is a definition of tiger mom, I guess I am guilty.

 

2. I "make" my kids play sports. Anyone that really knows us, knows that my kids all inherited the sports obsessed gene from their father and I don't "make" them do anything. If spending hours of my week driving them to their lessons and spending weekends at an out of state tournament are definitions of a tiger mom, I am guilty.

 

3. I make them take SAT Subject Tests. Yep, I was considered a tiger mom because I make my kids take Subject Tests. (This was a friend who later confessed and apologized for thinking this way. This only happened when her kid decided in fall of senior year to add another school to the list, only to discover that there was not time to complete the mandatory subject tests)

 

 

Sometimes I feel that if you have a high achieving kid, there is a segment of the population that labels you a tiger mom and it is not meant as a complement.

 

So, what is the definition of a tiger mom?

[Mimm]

1. There are a zillion successful adults and college students who did not have tiger parents.

 

2. Parents of kids who do everything well can only take some of the credit - the child's innate abilities and health (physical, emotional, mental) have a lot more to do with it. For example, I had non-nuturing parents who could be neglectful and abusive, but I was a kid who grew up doing everything well. My adult children had more normal parents and were like that, too. If I take full credit, I have to give my mom full credit, which would be a joke.

 

3. You can't bully someone's IQ from average up to genius. That's nonsense.

 

Really, if children turn out well - as happy, healthy, moral and strong as possible - doesn't humility require that we just give thanks? Doesn't honesty require an acknowledgement of our own mistakes, to check us from thinking we must have been perfect parents?

 

SO MUCH THIS.

 

I have two kids who are very close in age and wildly different with very different struggles. They had the same parents and we treated them pretty much exactly the same, offered the same activities and the same encouragements and the same expectations in school (combining subjects is how I survive!) I don't want credit for the problems one has so I don't take credit for the successes of the other. I am proud of them both. The one for her achievements and hard work and the other for how she fights to overcome.

 

Can we please, please, PLEASE, stop pretending there's some magic Adult Recipe that if you take one kid and add in the ingredients of a certain type of parenting, bake for 18 years, you'll get exactly the "right" kind of adult.

[maize]

So, what is the definition of a tiger mom?

To me, a tiger mom is one who constantly pushes for achievement achievement achievement.

 

There are variations on the theme and in level of intensity. My own mom had enough tigerish tendencies that Amy Chua's book made me laugh in recognition--violin practice required while on vacation? Check! Practice time frequently resulting in tears for the child? Check. Her energy was spread among ten children not two though, which toned it down considerably. And she never used shame as a motivational tactic. Nor was she obsessed with elite university admissions (though there were several in the family).

 

I see some hazards in tiger momness. First, with a child who can live up to every demand. A couple of my siblings were like this. Fortunately mom recognized early on that her expectation of total compliance from the child who could comply was damaging their relationship and backed off.

 

The second hazard I see is when a child cannot or will not comply with expectations. I was that child--and again, my mom caught on after awhile and dialed back her efforts to enforce compliance.

 

I do think that many tiger moms are motivated by genuine love and a desire to see their children develop to their fullest potential. As long as love is the prime motivating factor I think negative aspects of a tiger attitude will be mitigated. When something else is the prime motivator--the parent's own bragging rights for example--I think things are much less healthy.

Edited February 5, 2018 by maize

[KungFuPanda]

I don't agree with the bolded as there are many benefits to playing sports. A lot of the people I know who are very successful in their careers were athletes in high school. I think a lot of management skills are learned through being on a sports team.

 

The people I know who were big into music in high school haven't done as well in their careers. Most of them are doing okay, but not they are not in or on the path to achieve the most senior positions.

Could that success be tied to a naturally high energy level? Physical activities are a necessary outlet for people who are wired to be energetic. Some people aren’t trying harder, they’re just wired to move and DO more. Maybe sports are an outlet for that personality type and not so much the reason they succeed? Of course you learn things doing sports. You can’t really do anything without learning from it, but I’m thinkingvteam sports just might be a place to put all of that internal motivation until you have a more adult pursuit for it.

[Teacher Mom]

i have been accused of being one because my education standards were different than the people homeschooling around me. Things got really difficult when my daughter was accepted to Cornell Early Decision. Very few people were actually happy for her.