Help my mom with a snappy come back; 2019 UPDATE in the OP

[MercyA]

My mom just told me that someone she knows in a business capacity has attempted to embarrass her every year for the last five years. 

First, a bit of background: my mom and dad got married as teenagers a month before my brother was born. It all worked out pretty well, for them (married over 45 years now) and for my siblings and me. It's not something my mom shouts from the rooftops, but not something she's especially embarrassed about either. It is what is it, you know? As she says, "I can't change it." And, really, it's ancient history at this point (sorry, Mom!).

So, every year, on or around my mom's wedding anniversary, this particular woman congratulates her and makes sure to ask, "Now how many years have you been married?" Then, when my brother's birthday rolls around the next month, she says something like, "It's your son's birthday, right? Now, what year was he born? So how old is he now?" etc. The point is extremely clear.  🙄

Thankfully my mom has a pretty thick skin. She waited five years before she even told anyone what this woman was doing. My mom actually feels sorry for her. She has issues and has most likely been disappointed in life, as well. I don't think my mom would actually be unkind to her. Also, there are usually other people around when this happens and not enough time for an actual discussion.

The management of the business is aware of these comments, as well as worse comments made to other customers. It is being handled.

My mom and I were trying to think of snappy come backs. My mom said she's been tempted to say in a horrified whisper, "You found out my secret! Please, don't tell anyone!!!"  😄

Everything I can think of is too nice: "Yes, we were so young when we had him, but it all worked out wonderfully, didn't it?" or "Yes, he is such a blessing. I wouldn't trade him for the world!"

I know that if anyone can supply me with witty retorts, it's the Hive. Purely for entertainment purposes, of course.  😉

UPDATE: I apologize for my delay in getting back to this thread! So, my mom and I had a garage sale a couple weeks ago, and I took my laptop over so she could read all of your ideas. She really enjoyed the thread and laughed a lot. When my dad came home from work for lunch, she had to tell him that they were "practically famous."   🙂

Two corrections: First, she said that this has been going on for about ten years, not just five. Secondly, these interactions usually take place in the break room, not the check-out line, so they are semi-private conversations. 

As for the woman who is making these remarks, she was actually suspended for several weeks for reasons having nothing to do with my mom, one of which was making a *very* inappropriate political comment to a very good customer. She begged the owner to let her come back sooner and he did, but told her she was very close to being fired. Hopefully she'll watch herself from here on out. 

As for my mom, she just continues being nice to this woman. My mom agrees with onelittlemonkey and Corraleno that jealousy is likely part of the problem.

I am having more trouble with holding a grudge about this than my mom is, I think. I'm not sure how to treat this woman the next time I see her. Say what you want to me, but don't mess with my mom.  :mad:

***PLEASE DON'T QUOTE.*** I may delete later.  🙂

2019 update! I can't believe it's been two years since I posted this. This woman is still at it. This past week, she was chatting to my mom about my mom's prom dresses (?). Please keep in mind that my mom is almost 70 years old. She asked my mom what colors her prom dresses were. See where this is going? She then oh-so-subtly asked, "And what color was your wedding dress?" I kid you not. My mom said, "Pink! And I bet I can still fit into it." 😆

All joking aside, this woman surely has some mental issues. I think my mom thought it was more funny than anything and is just going to let this latest comment roll off.

Edited October 11, 2019 by MercyA

[luuknam]

So how old is he now?" 

 

"Old enough to not be as childish as you are". 

 

But really, I wouldn't say that. I might ask her why she feels a need to make a point of this (when she says it - I'm not going to ask her at some other time later or w/e). Or, if management is handling it, and it doesn't stop, and it really bugs me, tell management that it's a hostile work environment issue and they need to try harder, i.e. fire her if necessary. But, again, unlikely to take it that far, since it would just be an annoyance, not something that *really* bugged me that much (not that this is something that applies to me). 

 

Edited because I forgot to not quote. I did leave that tiny snippet, which I'd assume is vague enough to leave. 

Edited July 14, 2017 by luuknam

[TheReader]

If she's wanting to stop this woman from bugging her, something along the lines of "You mean you've forgotten already? Just last month you asked about my anniversary, so if you remember that, then you surely remember how old my son is, since it's the same number." Said sweetly and with a smile, showing that your mom so.does.not.care. about the issue, the comment is not having the desired effect, and perhaps her efforts are better spent bugging someone else. 

 

Or maybe something like "I am just so surprised that after all these years, you remember his birthday, but still can't keep straight how old he is....." (and then either answer or not). 

 

Or if she wants to be really snippy, "Well, you've been asking me about this for.....let's see now, how many years?..." and leave it at that. 

 

Or maybe something like, "One year older, just like with my anniversary!" 

 

Or even, "Well, let's see, we just celebrated our 45th anniversary, so yep, that makes him 45 this year! Can you believe it? Such a milestone!" 

 

Something to answer, but in a way that clearly shows "Lady, you are wasting your time. I'm not embarrassed by this." 

[winterbaby]

Oof. That's so gross. And yes, people who do things like this usually have issues of their own. That doesn't make it OK.

 

The only thing I can ever come up with in situations like that is to turn it around on the person, put them on the spot. "Why do you feel the need to make a point of this every year? Do you think it's funny?" Do it right in the situation in front of whatever other people, deflate their attempt at "humor" or whatever the heck it is. Expose the awkwardness and let them own it. For that reason I would not try to be "snappy" because I feel that can be read as a continuation of the game the person is trying to play.

[wintermom]

I would probably just laugh and start taking keeping track of how long it takes for this person to point out the obvious each year. This person isn't going to change her ways. I would bet that she says a lot of annoying things throughout the year, and somehow your mom still spends time with her. She can survive this comment, too.

[Seasider]

I can be rather passive aggressive in situations like this, so I'd be tempted to turn the tables on her.

 

"Oh no, Ethyl, he was born in <actual year plus one>. I guess now is a good time to talk to you about something rather important that I've been worried about... I'm growing really concerned about you and your memory. Tell me, is there a history in your family of early onset dementia?"

 

Ok ok I would never actually do that! Dementia is actually not something to joke about and true gaslighting is despicable. Especially if there's already a mental issue suspected.

 

I think what I would do is to say, loudly and clearly, "Tell me, Ethyl, just what, exactly, is the point you are trying to make here, every single year you ask me these questions?" Let her grope for a response and then let her know that gracious people do not attempt to make themselves look superior by pointing out the insignificant and long ago apparent mistakes of others. And by no means is your brother a mistake.

[bolt.]

"Funny! You asked the same question last year. You must be 'getting older' too."

 

Or, be intentionally confusing and answer the opposite question:

 

"When were you married?" // "My son turns xyz next month"

"How old is your son?" // "We were married in 19zz."

Edited July 14, 2017 by bolt.

[Guest]

I'd probably head her off by saying "yes, it's our anniversary and yes Bertha we couldn't keep our hands off each other so we were expecting when we got married". Or just ignore it. Most likely, everyone else knows this is Bertha's issue, not your Mom's.

[mytwomonkeys]

My mom was 19 when she married my dad. She got pregnant and they were married after knowing each other for only 3 months. Ideal? No. But it has totally worked out! My parents are in their 70's now and have been married for over fifty years. They are totally still in love (like it's syrupy sweet), have 4 kids, and 11 grandchildren. I'm so sorry your mom is dealing with such nonsense. This woman is being passive aggressive and downright rude. In your mom's shoes, at her next anniversary or birthday I'd look her square in the face and ask, "Do you have an issue with my being pregnant when I married my husband?" I promise that will shut her up for every year to come 😊

Edited July 14, 2017 by mytwomonkeys

[MFG]

If I wanted a snappy comeback I might say, "One year more/older than last year." What I would probably do is just answer the direct question without elaboration, but with a "wth is wrong with you?" look on my face. RBF is my normal expression.

[Rachel]

I don't have a snappy comeback but why is this woman trying to shame your mom? I mean seriously this is just petty.

[Word Nerd]

"A year longer (or older) than the last time you asked." 

[fraidycat]

I'd be tempted to be really scandalous at this point just to watch the woman suck air. "Jack is 45, and Joe has been such a wonderful father to him all these years, especially since the baby was not his!" Smile sweetly and walk away.

 

It's none of her business!

[jewellsmommy]

I think I would say something direct, "Dear, you've been playing the same tired game for x# of years now. Why don't you just say what it is you want to say?"

[zimom]

See I think I would be even more ornery.  Something to the fact that I had only been married 45 years and known my husband for a couple weeks before we got married, insinuating that DS wasn't even husbands LOL.  

[ktgrok]

I'd pre-empt the whole thing. When she asks when the anniversary is, say, "35 years, same as my son's age. Since we got married just before he was born it's easy to remember." Put it right out there and it won't be fun to pick on anymore. 

[MercyA]

I don't have a snappy comeback but why is this woman trying to shame your mom? I mean seriously this is just petty.

 

I don't know. My dad is this woman's manager, though. Possibly that has something to do with it. 

Edited July 14, 2017 by MercyA

[MommyLiberty5013]

"Oh you know Bertha, a true lady never reveals her age. And a true lady never asks her to."

 

Or just the first part.

[J-rap]

How old is he?  One year older than last time you asked!

 

Or I like the idea of being one step ahead of her.

 

So...

 

How many years have you been married?  Same number as my son's age.  Makes it easy to remember, doesn't it!

 

 

 

 

 

 

[happi duck]

Ugh. That's awful.

 

I don't understand people like that.

 

In a different time or place, evil cattiness like that could do real harm. A woman who still thinks that those dates are something to point out is being cruel.

 

I'm not sure what the scenerio could be that forces interaction about anniversaries and child birthdays but I'd avoid this woman or just pretend she's not talking. If that's not possible I would respond to questions as if she gave well wishes: how long have you been married? Thank you for wishing us well! How old is your son? I'll tell him you said happy birthday!

 

(hugs) to your mum

[MercyA]

That said, is your mom Super super sure it's not just small talk and the lady forgets? If she says it's not, I believe her full stop ☺ï¸

 

Super sure! 

[bettyandbob]

Geez what a weird thing to make an issue of.

 

"So glad ds was there at the start. We started out as a happy little family and now have the love and happiness of a big extended family."

[Lang Syne Boardie]

She doesn't have to be snarky. There's a way to do this that accounts for memory problems or other issues.

 

(Blank smile required)

 

At the anniversary: "Susie, every year you ask me whether I was a child bride."

 

Then turn and walk away.

 

On eldest son's birthday: "Susie, every year you ask me whether junior was conceived out of wedlock."

 

Then turn and walk away.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

Lol that's pretty snarky.

Not really. It's acknowledging and naming the behavior, while keeping the upper hand by depriving Susie of information or reaction. No sarcasm or irony. People do it to toddlers all the time.

[catz]

Same as when you asked last year and the year before.  You should write it down so you don't have to ask again.  (insert eye roll and sigh here)

 

OR

 

Betsy, have you seen a doctor about your memory issues?  You ask me this every year.

OR

 

I might play up the scandal and the love child for fun if I was feeling naughty.  LOL. 

 

 

[Seasider]

"Oh you know Bertha, a true lady never reveals her age. And a true lady never asks her to."

 

Or just the first part.

This reminds me of something I once read about the founder of Mary Kay makeup. When someone would ask her age, she was rumored to just smile and say, tell me dear, how much do you weigh? Making the point that she thought the original question was rude. Edited July 14, 2017 by Seasider

[winterbaby]

Wait, she needles her boss's wife about their personal business? Who does that?! (and keeps their job?)

 

I agree with PP that this could be construed as harassment, as it touches on sexual matters.

Edited July 14, 2017 by winterbaby

[ikslo]

"I had premarital sex.  Get over it."

[Seasider]

Lol that's pretty snarky.

But it's appropriately snarky!

[lauraw4321]

OH, you know how old he is, since I was 8 months pregnant with him when I got married!  45 of course!

Edited July 14, 2017 by lauraw4321

[StephanieZ]

Ugh, that's so repulsive. I'm so sorry your mom has to deal with that. It's great that she's come to you for help. I'm not good with snappy comebacks. 

 

Personally, I think it's so wonderful that your folks are happily married after all these years . . . I wonder if you can turn the question into something that celebrates that? I also think it's super sweet that your mom comes to you for help with it. 

 

 

It's hard to come up with something appropriate, especially since the bitch reports to your dad. It's dangerous to even allude to sex in a work environment these days. 

 

TBH, I'd try to find a way for her to be fired, but that's me, and I'm not very nice when it comes to people being mean to my elderly parent.

 

If it weren't for the work-place complication, I'd want to say something like, "How awesome is it that we *STILL* can't keep our hands off each other! So many families fall apart, but not us! 45 years married, 45 years parents, 46 years in love! We're so lucky!!"

 

 

But, that's probably not something your mom would say . . .

 

(((hugs))) Be sure to reassure your mom. She might be feeling more insecure about her past than she indicates. (Inappropriate) guilt/shame about long-past errors is a contributor to many cases of depression among the elderly. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[I talk to the trees]

I don't know. My dad is this woman's manager, though. Possibly that has something to do with it.

In that case...."Go ask the boss!" with a wink and a nod could be used to answer both questions.

[luuknam]

I agree with PP that this could be construed as harassment, as it touches on sexual matters.

 

 

Hostile environment doesn't have to do anything with sex. And I'm pretty sure that this wouldn't even remotely qualify as sexual harassment. 

 

I'm thinking maybe the fact that it's her boss's wife she's picking on might make him more hesitant to fire her, since he doesn't want it to be construed as overreacting for personal reasons, or something. 

 

ETA: I'm wrong.

Edited July 14, 2017 by luuknam

[Guest]

I was five months pregnant at my wedding but I grok your mom's generation about this. She would need a super thick skin to successfully pull it off but she'd get such a laugh out of just thinking about it with a moderately thick skin:

 

Go retro and innocent.

 

"Yes, that's right, those young whippersnappers think they're so great just because they can save the 24 weekers now. That's what's wrong with you kids these days! I tell you, this world's going to hell in a handbasket! Why, back in my day, they didn't even let me call Junior a micropremie because I carried him a full four weeks and they didn't want to offend the real micropremie moms who only carried THEIR kids for three weeks! I had to walk five miles barefoot through the snow just to get home during my lunch hour to stoke Junior's wood burning isolette because we didn't have any of this wussy electricity foolishness you kids think you need because you think twenty four week olds are micropremies and teen moms aren't old enough to handle responsibility. You should have seen my little sister run through the snow in her bare feet to stoke HER three week old micropremie's isolette if you think seven year olds are too young to get married. Back in my day...."

Edited July 14, 2017 by Guest

[Seasider]

In that case...."Go ask the boss!" with a wink and a nod could be used to answer both questions.

Brilliant!

[winterbaby]

In that case...."Go ask the boss!" with a wink and a nod could be used to answer both questions.

 

I would do that - only ice cold, and using it to drop a hint about workplace appropriateness. "You know Mabel, why don't you ask the manager if the details of my relationship with him are that important to you?"

 

I don't get all these ideas to be cute about it. This person is obviously socially clueless. Maybe my ideas are too far in the other direction but I really can't see playing along. She won't get the message that way.

[winterbaby]

Hostile environment doesn't have to do anything with sex. And I'm pretty sure that this wouldn't even remotely qualify as sexual harassment. 

 

I'm thinking maybe the fact that it's her boss's wife she's picking on might make him more hesitant to fire her, since he doesn't want it to be construed as overreacting for personal reasons, or something. 

 

Well, they might not have much of a case because it's so far from what's generally considered as such, and I'm not recommending actually pursuing it, but in terms of pure principle it is sexual harassment, if OP's mom understands the gist correctly. Sexual harassment doesn't need to be about being attracted to the person, trying to get them to be sexual with you, etc. Repeated insinuations about someone's sex life certainly count.

 

I wouldn't fire someone over this, but I would put the fear of God in them and make sure it stopped. If necessary, get someone else in the chain of command to deal with it to avoid any personal overtones.

[Plink]

"It has been so l no longer remember. He is a great guy, isn't he?  Just last week he..."

 

[Jackie in AR]

I don't know. My dad is this woman's manager, though. Possibly that has something to do with it. 

 

Wow, her boss's wife? That would change things for me. I would call her out.

 

"You know, you ask me about this every year. Let's go talk to DH since it seems to be something that bothers you."

 

And then I would bring my husband to her and ask her to repeat her questions "in hopes that we can get to the bottom of why this is bothering you so much."

 

Your mom doesn't have to endure that from her husband's employee. Once or twice I might let it pass, but year after year? No way. She needs to stop.

 

ETA: And I say this as the wife of a man who supervises a lot of people. I wouldn't put up with that from one of his employees for a second.

Edited July 14, 2017 by Jackie in AR

[QueenCat]

Well, they might not have much of a case because it's so far from what's generally considered as such, and I'm not recommending actually pursuing it, but in terms of pure principle it is sexual harassment, if OP's mom understands the gist correctly. Sexual harassment doesn't need to be about being attracted to the person, trying to get them to be sexual with you, etc. Repeated insinuations about someone's sex life certainly count.

 

I wouldn't fire someone over this, but I would put the fear of God in them and make sure it stopped. If necessary, get someone else in the chain of command to deal with it to avoid any personal overtones.

 

So mom could say " Did you know that repeated insinuations about someone's sex life counts as sexual harassment in the work place? Do you know where my husband is right now?"

[luuknam]

False. There's no power deferential at play here. It can not be construed as sexual harassment.

 

 

Not true - there doesn't have to be a power differential for something to fall under sexual harassment. 

 

However, I did apparently misremember some of the details of sexual harassment law. There are two kinds, quid pro quo (clearly not applicable), and hostile work environment (so, hostile environment *is* about sex). This could possibly fall under hostile environment, but is clearly not severe enough:

 

http://employment.findlaw.com/employment-discrimination/sexual-harassment-at-work.html

 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hostile_work_environment

 

That said, in a lot of states, employers can just fire employees for w/e, and OP said she's annoying in other ways too, so, they can probably find some reason for firing her, if so desired.

Edited July 14, 2017 by luuknam

[Angie in VA]

If I wanted a snappy comeback I might say, "One year more/older than last year." What I would probably do is just answer the direct question without elaboration, but with a "wth is wrong with you?" look on my face. RBF is my normal expression.

 

You are my people!!!

 

When I did my student teaching the teacher I was assigned to went to high school w/ one of my best friend's parents. They were high school sweethearts, and I already knew that they were expecting before they got married. For some reason this teacher felt the need to tell me that about my friend's parents, 20 years after the fact. 

:glare:

 

 

You said there is some mental issue, so I would hope that I would play it off w/ humor or w/ a non-answer answer (like another year older as PP's have mentioned). But I can be snarky and usually call people out on such bad behavior. 

 

What's that saying? Hurt people hurt people. Mean people still "vacuum", though!

[AmandaVT]

Ugh, that would be so annoying. 

 

"Why do you ask?" is my go to if I'm being asked a rude question. 

 

Or to the anniversary: "It's been many years, but I still feel like a newlywed" with a smile

 

and the birthday: "He's a grown man, but he'll always be my baby" or something along those lines. 

 

Then walk away.

[happypamama]

Wow, that is a very rude thing for someone to keep doing! I think I'd be saying, "Why do you keep making this point? Yes, I had him right after I got married. 45 years ago. Get over it."

[Katy]

In some states this would be illegal.  But harassing others, especially the boss's wife, is inappropriate regardless.  Why doesn't your dad write her up?

 

My comment would be something along the lines of, "Yes, I sinned 46 years ago.  I asked God to forgive me and made it right.  You, on the other hand, are self-righteous and condescending at least twice a year. Care to guess which one of us Jesus would say is justified?"

 

Then if I was really annoyed I might hand her a pre-written note:  "All of the places in the Bible that Jesus condemns YOUR behavior," coupled with every verse I could find.   But I get snarky like that.

[Corraleno]

I wonder if this woman is jealous of your mom, who has a loving, long-term marriage and happy healthy kids. Does this woman have to work and your mom doesn't? Is she unhappily married/widowed/divorced? Do her kids not spend much time with her?

 

Maybe she envies your mom's life and thinks that knowing, and pointing out, this big secret "sin" is a way to prove to herself (and anyone else listening in) that she is "better" than your mom in at least this one small way.

 

If this woman is religious, then I would reply something along the lines of "My son is 45 this year, and he's such a blessing to me! I don't know what I'd do without him, I'm so glad that he was part of God's plan for our family."

 

Because what can she say to that — "Oh no, you're wrong, God never wanted him to be born, you sinned and should have been punished!"???

[winterbaby]

In some states this would be illegal.  But harassing others, especially the boss's wife, is inappropriate regardless.  Why doesn't your dad write her up?

 

My comment would be something along the lines of, "Yes, I sinned 46 years ago.  I asked God to forgive me and made it right.  You, on the other hand, are self-righteous and condescending at least twice a year. Care to guess which one of us Jesus would say is justified?"

 

Then if I was really annoyed I might hand her a pre-written note:  "All of the places in the Bible that Jesus condemns YOUR behavior," coupled with every verse I could find.   But I get snarky like that.

 

I wouldn't do this because it starts off a bit of a vicious circle of well now you're the one doing the judging... I also wouldn't use the name of Christ to get one over on someone in a social situation.

[Carol in Cal.]

I can see it that it would be awkward to be snarky since her husband is the boss.

 

My inclination in that case would be to be vague and change the subject.

 

"How long?  Oh gosh, how time flies when you're having fun--who keeps track?  By the way, do you like to garden?  I have the best tomatoes this year--it must be the great weather we've been having."  It's kind of similar to passing the bean dip.

[trulycrabby]

I would just say, "You know you ask this question every year. I'm sure people don't care if our child was born the same year we were married."

 

I mean really, kudos to your parents for celebrating 45 years of marriage.

Edited July 14, 2017 by trulycrabby

[justasque]

I am not one for snarky comments.  I don't think it helps anyone, or moves anyone forward.  It's about shaming the other person, which is not something I usually find useful.  I would simply answer, then redirect.

"How long have you been married?"

"45 years.  Hey, that's a cute sweater!  Where did you get it?"
 

Or perhaps pre-empt the drama and just put it out there, lightly:

"45 years.  We got married a month before Joey was born.  We had a quick start to family life, but we're still going strong! Hey, that's a cute sweater!"

 

And for the birthday:

"He's 45.  He was born a month after we got married.  He was such a cute baby!  Time flies, doesn't it?  Hey, cute sweater!"

 

Putting it out there publicly also gives others in a similar position (pregnant before marriage, or having had a child before or just after marriage) the awareness that your mom could be someone they could talk to as they decide how to handle their situation, or deal with the feelings (guilt) that might continue to surface over the years, especially if they are from your mom's generation.  If she looks at it that way - being calmly open about her past, because it could be helpful to others - that might help her see these intrusive questions in a more "when given lemons, make lemonade" kind of way.  

 

 

 

 

If this woman is religious, then I would reply something along the lines of "My son is 45 this year, and he's such a blessing to me! I don't know what I'd do without him, I'm so glad that he was part of God's plan for our family."

 

Because what can she say to that — "Oh no, you're wrong, God never wanted him to be born, you sinned and should have been punished!"???

 

I like Corraleno's suggestion too.

Edited July 14, 2017 by justasque