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How do you handle boyfriends/girlfriends staying the night at your house?


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Having an 18yo and 22yo makes me wonder how others handle this situation.

 

My deal with my kids for college is that I will pay living expenses if they live at home, they pay their tuition.  I hope they both live at home until they finish college so that they can graduate with less debt, but the choice is up to them. 

 

Due to young adults living at home becoming more and more common, I wonder how other families handle teenage (post high school)/early 20's couples and sleeping over. 

Edited by Tap
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The same way my parents handled my living at home as a young adult: give privacy and expect considerate, discrete behavior in return.

 

ETA: For a new relationship, when a person is just introduced to me, I will treat them like any house guest and fix a guest bedroom, so I do not presume anything about sleeping arrangements.

Edited by regentrude
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The same way my parents handled my living at home as a young adult: give privacy and expect considerate, discrete behavior in return.

 

ETA: For a new relationship, when a person is just introduced to me, I will treat them like any house guest and fix a guest bedroom, so I do not presume anything about sleeping arrangements.

 

Yes to this. 

 

ETA: I'd prepare a guest room for a new relationship or one I wasn't sure about, but I'd also let my adult child know that it was their call where the person sleeps.

Edited by Lady Florida.
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Ummm..........we aren't there yet but there won't be sleepovers while they live at home. We have a very small house and as long as they are dating a local person there is no need for sleeping over. I don't particularly want to set myself up as a B&B. Under 18, the bedroom door stays open when they are over hanging out.  Over 18, the door can be closed and I really DON'T wanna know what's going on in there.  I will text them if I need to communicate :lol: .  Now, after they move out, if they move away and come back to visit, I will just ask my child how they want the sleeping arrangements.  

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DH is very strict about this: unmarried people will not share beds or bedrooms in our home.  He doesn't care what they do elsewhere.  Because he cares so much about this, I've never thought about what our policy would be if he had no opinion. He's picked it as a hill to die on.

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I much prefer my young people to be together with their bf/gf in the privacy and safety of our home than in some parked car on lovers' lane.

 

To each his/her own. I am not going to facilitate conduct that I disapprove of. Adults can make their own decisions but that does not mean I'm going to make it easy for them by allowing sleepovers, paying for contraception, etc. Let them figure it out on their own if that's what they really want to do.

 

FWIW, the high school friend in our clique with a "cool mom" who allowed boyfriends to sleep over starting at age 16 is still single at 40. The rest of us with strict parents who made it clear they disapproved of teen s*x are all married.

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To each his/her own. I am not going to facilitate conduct that I disapprove of. Adults can make their own decisions but that does not mean I'm going to make it easy for them by allowing sleepovers, paying for contraception, etc. Let them figure it out on their own if that's what they really want to do.

 

FWIW, the high school friend in our clique with a "cool mom" who allowed boyfriends to sleep over starting at age 16 is still single at 40. The rest of us with strict parents who made it clear they disapproved of teen s*x are all married.

 

 

We will not allow it either.  Our house, our morals, our rules.   Thankfully, so far, my boys have all said they believe the same way, but so far, no girlfriends either.

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 I have given this some thought though I'm not there with my kids.  But I think I know what I'll do...

 

When my husband took me to meet his family (just before we got engaged; we were both in our 30's and had been intimate), we stayed in 3 different homes.  In each one, I was shown to my room, and he was shown to his.   And that was that.   

 

One thing I don't plan to do is make a big statement about it beforehand that I'm not prepared to back up.  A relative of mine was adamant that her kids would not share a bed/room with a boy/girlfriend.  Then one of her kids challenged her by saying that if her boyfriend couldn't share her room, she wasn't coming home for Christmas.  Mother immediately backed down. Older siblings who had not challenged her on it were angry with mom and the challenger.  Younger siblings lost respect for mom.  It was ugly for a while.  

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In theory, I have no problem with my adult children sharing a room with their significant others. 

 

In practice, their rooms have single beds and haven't been redone since they were 12. It would definitely be the SNL skit in full effect, lol.

 

They are also right across the hall, so I'd probably make a point of letting them know when we were leaving the house, and for how long. 

 

dh and I lived together before marriage, and I have no moral issues with sex before marriage. Also, like regentrude, I'd much prefer them to safely at our house. I'm horrified at the thought of them doing anything like what was common in my youth, which was to park in the dark, desolate warehouse district with no one around, and no one who knew where you were. 

 

 

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So far when this has come up it has been when putting girlfriend on the road to drive home late at night was a greater evil than having them overnight in our home. So, it has not been a regular thing but a safety issue in bad weather or a late concert or party or something. What has happened is gf stays with my dd (currently 9 yo) and directly across a small hallway from dh and I.

 

This is with teens, not twenties or older. We do teach no sex before marriage so my kids expect this arrangement and have not challenged it. They surely can do what they please out of our sight but I'm not sure any would challenge this arrangement. They are respectful of our beliefs and would not want to lose the respect of younger siblings I think.

 

I picture my kids staying in a hotel if they just had to share a bed. It just seems that they wouldn't want to openly disregard our feelings. That all could change as they get older though. people change.

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We had one boyfriend stay the night once. He was in bedroom on lower level, dd was in her room on upper level.

 

My house, my rules, no sharing a room here until you are married.

 

Even if they are intimate outside of your home, they will survive a night or 2 apart while staying at your house. Just common respect.

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My kids are still a bit young for this, but I am a bit torn. Theoretically, I am not really against s*x before marriage (within reason) and do agree with regentrude. BUT we live in a smallish apartment and the idea of anything going on that I might notice really makes me uncomfortable. To be honest, I would feel the same if my child was married. So we will just have to see how it works out...

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To each his/her own. I am not going to facilitate conduct that I disapprove of. Adults can make their own decisions but that does not mean I'm going to make it easy for them by allowing sleepovers, paying for contraception, etc. Let them figure it out on their own if that's what they really want to do.

 

FWIW, the high school friend in our clique with a "cool mom" who allowed boyfriends to sleep over starting at age 16 is still single at 40. The rest of us with strict parents who made it clear they disapproved of teen s*x are all married.

All of my friends who slept around as teenagers are married now soooooooo.... Edited by wonderchica
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My oldest ds and his girlfriend live together and stay in his old room when they come visit.  They've been together for almost five years.  When they first came to visit, I was a little uncomfortable about it only because of what my dd would think since she's quite a bit younger.  

 

When DH and I were younger, we never stayed in the same room in either family's house until we were married - not even when we were engaged.  

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I wanted to add.........I don't have an issue with sex before marriage at all.  My issue is that if you are grown up enough to have your girlfriend or boyfriend stay the night all the time at your Mom's house, you are probably grown up enough to move out and get your own place.  Like I said, mine is more of an issue that I'm not gonna be a B&B for whichever significant other is around at the time if they aren't contributing to our household.

 

That said, 17 yr old DD has chosen for herself not to have premarital sex (and she isn't even religious).

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FWIW, the high school friend in our clique with a "cool mom" who allowed boyfriends to sleep over starting at age 16 is still single at 40. The rest of us with strict parents who made it clear they disapproved of teen s*x are all married.

 

I'm not sure of the correlation. The only person I know who slept with her boyfriend as a teen (in my crowd we were mostly goody two shoes) has been married the longest of all of us and to said boyfriend. That doesn't mean sleeping with your boyfriend as a teen leads to long term marriage any more than it leads to staying single.

 

The only person I know who remained single for life chose to not get married. She did not want for male friends or male friends with benefits. She just didn't want to marry any of them.

 

Correlation does not equal causation. Girls with cool moms or girls who sleep with their boyfriends have no more or less chance of getting married than any other girls.

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The same way my parents handled my living at home as a young adult: give privacy and expect considerate, discrete behavior in return.

 

ETA: For a new relationship, when a person is just introduced to me, I will treat them like any house guest and fix a guest bedroom, so I do not presume anything about sleeping arrangements.

Your first sentence is pretty meaningless since no one knows how your parents defined giving privacy and considerate, discreet behavior.

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The same way my parents handled my living at home as a young adult: give privacy and expect considerate, discrete behavior in return.

 

ETA: For a new relationship, when a person is just introduced to me, I will treat them like any house guest and fix a guest bedroom, so I do not presume anything about sleeping arrangements.

 

This is how we feel about it.  

 

Dd is 23 but it's pretty theoretical at this point because she moved in with her grandmother when she came home from college.  I've left it up to them to work that stuff out but I'm pretty sure they are handling it the same way we would here, IF she had her own room.  At our house, she'd be sharing a room with her younger sister, so of course there would be no sleep-overs.   

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LOL - I was really wondering how that woman's teen history related to this at all. :lol:

Didn't you know everyone who has premarital sx has very little chance of getting married. It's probably also true that couples who live together don't get married.

 

(All people I know well enough to know their intimate history had premarital sx. Several couples I know who are approaching 30 years of marriage lived together. Most of these people fall into the category of regular church attendance and are examples of people who exhibit ethical behavior. But I guess having engaged in such behavior means their lives must have been worthless.)

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I don't have a problem with my children having s*x, in fact I caution my children about trying to turn all "relations" into long term relationships.  I do have a problem with teens having s*x too early.  There's no reason they shouldn't wait until they're 18 (this is unlikely to be a problem with DD and DS... DSD is another matter entirely :glare: ). As for young adults and sex in my house... :ack2:  but If my future 18-22 year old wants their bf/gf to spend the night I'd probably, might be, be okay with it as long as I can't hear anything.

 

ETA: and as long as it's not an all the time thing.  We're not letting a bf/gf move in with us long term or staying more than a couple nights a month.  We would probably consider a short stay in between apartments or if they were a couple months away from buying a house together type thing... DD want to join Peace Corps so I could see letting her bf/gf stay in between assignments type thing too.... maybe. 

 

 

 

Edited by foxbridgeacademy
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 I have given this some thought though I'm not there with my kids.  But I think I know what I'll do...

 

When my husband took me to meet his family (just before we got engaged; we were both in our 30's and had been intimate), we stayed in 3 different homes.  In each one, I was shown to my room, and he was shown to his.   And that was that.   

 

One thing I don't plan to do is make a big statement about it beforehand that I'm not prepared to back up.  A relative of mine was adamant that her kids would not share a bed/room with a boy/girlfriend.  Then one of her kids challenged her by saying that if her boyfriend couldn't share her room, she wasn't coming home for Christmas.  Mother immediately backed down. Older siblings who had not challenged her on it were angry with mom and the challenger.  Younger siblings lost respect for mom.  It was ugly for a while.  

 

My parents insisted that DH sleep on the pull-out couch when he visited their home 2 weeks before our wedding. I grumbled but my parents were adamant.

 

Years later, they put my middle brother and his girlfriend (NOT fiancee) in a room together. :glare:

 

If there's a rule for adult offspring and unmarried S.O.'s, enforce it equally.

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My parents insisted that DH sleep on the pull-out couch when he visited their home 2 weeks before our wedding. I grumbled but my parents were adamant.

 

Years later, they put my middle brother and his girlfriend (NOT fiancee) in a room together. :glare:

 

If there's a rule for adult offspring and unmarried S.O.'s, enforce it equally.

 

Now that, I can agree with.

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They would have to sleep in a different room from my child. 

 

I did spend the night at a boyfriend's a lot in college. When we were off at college, we often slept in each others beds. But, at his parents house, different rooms. His parents were wonderful people. I intend to have the same rules.

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People will have sex whenever and wherever they want...I can attest to this. LOL. But, I now believe that sex ought to be left alone until people are older and yes, their brains are fully matured and developed - it isn't just the lust being fulfilled, there is a lot of heart stuff going on in sex, especially with women. Also, while I did not follow this in my own life, I think and DH also thinks, that one should wait until marriage for sexual intimacy.

 

Once growing up as a teen, I was brushing my teeth in the bathroom with a serious boyfriend standing beside me brushing his too. We had the door open and were fully clothed. My dad got PISSED as he walked by the bathroom (BF was spending the night). Seriously pissed. He pulled me aside and told me to "stop playing house." As a teen, I was like "Oh Dad, you are SO over-reacting." But, now as an adult and as a parent in this day and age with so much heart break kids face - it absolutely makes sense. Why open the door and awaken things that are best left for mature, long-lasting (hopefully) commitment?

 

About three years ago, a cousin and his then GF came through town for one night. We had a guest room in the basement. We also had a fold-out sofa in the next room to it. We made up both the guest room bed and the fold out bed and we left it up to the two of them how they wanted to sleep. It isn't my place to insist other adults who are not my kids do things; however, in my home, I won't facilitate a lifestyle/choice I do not think wise or risk having to explain to my little kids why cousin and GF were sleeping together but are not married.

 

 

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People will have sex whenever and wherever they want...I can attest to this. LOL. But, I now believe that sex ought to be left alone until people are older and yes, their brains are fully matured and developed - it isn't just the lust being fulfilled, there is a lot of heart stuff going on in sex, especially with women. Also, while I did not follow this in my own life, I think and DH also thinks, that one should wait until marriage for sexual intimacy.

 

Once growing up as a teen, I was brushing my teeth in the bathroom with a serious boyfriend standing beside me brushing his too. We had the door open and were fully clothed. My dad got PISSED as he walked by the bathroom (BF was spending the night). Seriously pissed. He pulled me aside and told me to "stop playing house." As a teen, I was like "Oh Dad, you are SO over-reacting." But, now as an adult and as a parent in this day and age with so much heart break kids face - it absolutely makes sense. Why open the door and awaken things that are best left for mature, long-lasting (hopefully) commitment?

 

About three years ago, a cousin and his then GF came through town for one night. We had a guest room in the basement. We also had a fold-out sofa in the next room to it. We made up both the guest room bed and the fold out bed and we left it up to the two of them how they wanted to sleep. It isn't my place to insist other adults who are not my kids do things; however, in my home, I won't facilitate a lifestyle/choice I do not think wise or risk having to explain to my little kids why cousin and GF were sleeping together but are not married.

Brains aren't fully mature until mid twenties...

 

I'll need to tell DH we're brushing our teeth wrong. Here it's not sexy at all.

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I'm not there yet, but both my parents and DH's parents expected unmarried young adult children to sleep separately in their homes when visiting. We respected their rules. My in-laws did bend the rule for one daughter who lived with her husband before marriage. The rest of the siblings are a little bitter about that.

 

Neither of us lived with our parents full time after starting college, so that makes the situation a bit different. I think an adult child enjoying the comforts and cost savings of living at home during college should understand that they can't carry on their relationships the same way they might living in a dorm.

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My oldest is 16.  Honestly, I have no idea.  Our house is not well suited for extra people right now.  Guess we'll cross that bridge when we get there.  Somehow I never actually had this issue with my own parents while I was dating.  I have to say when I was seriously dating, I rarely to never spent the night at their house.  LOL. 

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FWIW, the high school friend in our clique with a "cool mom" who allowed boyfriends to sleep over starting at age 16 is still single at 40. The rest of us with strict parents who made it clear they disapproved of teen s*x are all married.

Fwiw I had that cool mum, and I just celebrated my 25th wedding anniversary.

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I do not dictate to my adult children but do expect discretion and respect.

 

All of this reminds me that with ds having a serious girlfriend that he thinks could be the one and might pop the question to after college graduation in two years, that possibly the twin bunk bed situation in his room might not make the most amenable married-couple-comes-home-to-visit-mom-and-dad set up. My mom offered us a queen bed the other day and my first reaction was, "We don't need that." But now I think we should take it,sell the bunk set, and move that in there for the future.

 

As for the girlfriend, again while I do not seek to control adults, she is from a local family so has no need to sleep over.

 

That bed mom offered was nice. I better take it.

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Your first sentence is pretty meaningless since no one knows how your parents defined giving privacy and considerate, discreet behavior.

 

I am pretty sure most others understand what privcay means, but I will spell it out for you:

they can share a room and we parents will do our best to ignore whatever goes on in there; in turn, I expect them to make that easy by closing the door and being quiet. Do you wish further clarification or does that suffice?

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FWIW, the high school friend in our clique with a "cool mom" who allowed boyfriends to sleep over starting at age 16 is still single at 40. The rest of us with strict parents who made it clear they disapproved of teen s*x are all married.

 

And this proves what?

I come from a culture where the stigma against teenage sexuality is not prevalent like it is in the US. Despite this, all my friends are in long term (i.e. decades) relationships/marriages. Btw, teen pregnancy rates and divorce rates are lower, too.

Edited by regentrude
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I am pretty sure most others understand what privcay means, but I will spell it out for you:

they can share a room and we parents will do our best to ignore whatever goes on in there; in turn, I expect them to make that easy by closing the door and being quiet. Do you wish further clarification or does that suffice?

The snark is so completely unnecessary.

 

If you think those vague terms have a universal definition and understanding, so be it.

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The snark is so completely unnecessary.

 

If you think those vague terms have a universal definition and understanding, so be it.

 

"privacy: the state or condition of being free from being observed or disturbed by other people."

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"privacy: the state or condition of being free from being observed or disturbed by other people."

So does "free from being disturbed by other people" mean once a family member or guest is in a room with the door closed, no one should knock on the door for any reason except for an emergency requiring the people in the room to leave the house or unless the person in the room requests to be notified of something.

 

Because I know families who consider that privacy.

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16+ can share a bed but please be discreet!

 

Mind you, I've only had this as a same sex situation. For a boy-girl situation, it might be 18+

 

Really though, please be discreet. I don't want to hear.

So discreet for you means you don't want to hear them having sex?

 

BC I know families for whom discreet would mean unmarried couples would not share a bed in the family home.

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The same way my parents handled my living at home as a young adult: give privacy and expect considerate, discrete behavior in return.

 

ETA: For a new relationship, when a person is just introduced to me, I will treat them like any house guest and fix a guest bedroom, so I do not presume anything about sleeping arrangements.

This. At 18 and 22, they are adults. I can give my opinion (if they ask) but they are responsible for their own actions.

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While still in high school there are no sleepovers. While adults visiting, we would probably have two room prepared but they could make their own decision. The first time I visited dh's family they had two rooms prepared and left a note about which was my room (we came in late after they went to bed) and dh just laughed and we shared a room. I was 21 and he was 25 (we were married later that same year). We pretty much did the same thing when visiting my dad. Our parents never said anything about us opting to share a room. 

 

I honestly don't know how I would handle things if my adult, unmarried children are living at home (they are 17 and 15 now). I can't imagine them having people stay over all the time and wondering in the mornings if someone else is in my home. I think I'd be telling them to chill out with that and find their own place to live. 

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We do not allow sleepovers of any kind in our home even when the kiddos are young. I doubt a kiddo would even bother trying to get an opposite sex person overnight in his bedroom.

 

Having said that we paid for DS37's house while he was in college. He had girls live with him there. DD17 is going away to college this fall. Hopefully, she will bring people back home for holidays. We will probably just put them all in the living room with tons of sleeping bags. With all the wandering the old people who live in our house do, it is hard even for the married people to get any privacy. KWIM?

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Fwiw I had that cool mum, and I just celebrated my 25th wedding anniversary.

 

Mazel tov!   :001_wub:

 

 

My husband's parents were those cool parents throughout the college years; my own parents insisted on separate rooms until our engagement nearly 10 years later.  Shrug.  We're soon to celebrate 26 years.  

 

My eldest is 22 and only very recently did the issue come up.  She's 22 for goodness' sake.  Be discrete for the sake of your younger siblings.  

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