How do you handle boyfriends/girlfriends staying the night at your house?

[marbel]

<snip>

 

Now - I just know this will be misinterpreted - but, being tired just doesn't register with me as a big fat hairy deal. My DD, for example, has worked as an overnight nanny, so, stay awake the literal entire night and drive home at 6am. I don't think this is super-ideal, but I also think - well, lots of people work jobs like this. Lots of people are nurses or soldiers or law enforcement officers or midwives or warehouse stockers and they work when people are sleeping and they drive home when other people are leaving for work. It's not wonderful, but with a cup of coffee, it's manageable. So - that is part of where I'm coming from. I have never been that mom that let's the kids go in to school late the next morning because they got home late the night before. (Dd's friend's mom did this when we went to NYC.) I'm more like, "You're tired? Oh, that's annoying. Here's a cup of joe. Do you take cream?"

 

<snip>

 

Setting aside the safety issues, which others have mentioned... you are basing a performance standard for a stranger (Goldberry's daughter)  on something that your daughter can do/has done in the past?  

 

ETA: I wouldn't, and haven't, excused my kids from something important like school due to a late night.  But I would not have them drive if they were very tired.  

Edited July 3, 2017 by marbel

[Harriet Vane]

Yes, you describe me well. I do know how unexpected things can happen, though. Your snowstorm example - sure, I can see that.

 

It may have been a total surprise to the young lady to find herself tired and not up to the drive; sure. It may not have been in any way sneaky at all and maybe it didn't even cross her mind that she might sleep over until BF suggested it. All of those things are possible, yes.

 

Now - I just know this will be misinterpreted - but, being tired just doesn't register with me as a big fat hairy deal. My DD, for example, has worked as an overnight nanny, so, stay awake the literal entire night and drive home at 6am. I don't think this is super-ideal, but I also think - well, lots of people work jobs like this. Lots of people are nurses or soldiers or law enforcement officers or midwives or warehouse stockers and they work when people are sleeping and they drive home when other people are leaving for work. It's not wonderful, but with a cup of coffee, it's manageable. So - that is part of where I'm coming from. I have never been that mom that let's the kids go in to school late the next morning because they got home late the night before. (Dd's friend's mom did this when we went to NYC.) I'm more like, "You're tired? Oh, that's annoying. Here's a cup of joe. Do you take cream?"

 

SO.. all that to say, it wouldn't register with me as horribly alarming that GF said she was tired and had a 45 minute drive in front of her. AND...beyond that, if it's really a problem for her that she feels tired, I still think this is *her* parents' problem, not mine. If I don't want people sleeping on my couch, setting a precedent for my little kids, that's my prerogative to not allow it and to expect her own parents to provide transportation if she is literally unable to drive. *that's* the part I'm not getting in the responses - why people think the guy's parents are thoughtless, controling, mean, for upholding a rule they held. They may even have had to decide what that rule was suddenly, having not faced it before, and having not done as Tap is doing by asking pre-emptively. ðŸ˜

 

 

Quill, I will just ask you to rethink your perspective on driving while tired.

 

I have a cousin who died in a car accident. The accident happened because the driver of her van was tired and nodded off for just long enough for the van to slip off the road and flip. The driver is a caring, conscientious man. He was just tireder than he realized. His eyes closed for probably only a minute or two. The cousin that died was just a little girl of 11 years old. It has been many years since that day, but I promise her mom and dad and those who loved her still mourn her loss today.

 

I myself have felt so tired as to be uncoordinated and foggy. On most road trips, I choose to take catnaps in my car and take frequent breaks to walk because I don't trust myself to drive when I am that tired.

 

There are lots of accidents that happen when people are overly tired. It's simply unwise to shrug it off in so cavalier a fashion.

[Guest]

Setting aside the safety issues, which others have mentioned... you are basing a performance standard for a stranger (Goldberry's daughter) on something that your daughter can do/has done in the past?

 

ETA: I wouldn't, and haven't, excused my kids from something important like school due to a late night. But I would not have them drive if they were very tired.

No. I am offering support for my viewpoint that being tired is not a horrible emergency.

 

So, obviously, this particular rabbit trail has gone down a road where now a lot of posters are taking issue with me. Since I'm a peace-loving sort of person, and since I'm trying to fix dinner and really need to stop posting at this pount, I'll just leave it at that.

 

Good night, everyone.

[Frances]

I agree.

 

The boys parents made sure she was taken care of. They called her parents.

 

So there was no real emergency.

 

If you have firm boundaries about this sort of thing, it is better to draw the line in the sand early on. Save the emergency card for real emergencies.

 

As far as damaging the relationship with potential future wives .....I don't think we can change our standards in fear of a girl reacting badly.

But what is the standard? She's slept at his vacation home, and he's slept at her vacation home. So it's ok if it's for a fun vacation and planned in advance, but when someone is is need of help and understanding then sorry, but no, find your own way home? What the heck kind of standard is that?

[winterbaby]

I guess I just don't like the idea that a child's bf/gf is an object of suspicion. Yes there is reason to be protective because of the sexual element. But the girlfriend/boyfriend should also be considered... a friend. And parents should have care for their children's friends. When your children are with their friends, you should feel that their parents are looking out for your kids as well as their own.

 

It's totally possible that a kid could concoct a reason to stay over. But if you're sure that's not what your kid is doing, as Goldberry seems to be, and the other parent is acting like that's the case, that's rough on the relationship between the families. Goldberry feels that these are honest kids, and she found out that that understanding isn't shared.

[Bluegoat]

Even if the gf was getting a little vicarious thrill from seeing the boy at breakfast in the morning, I think that's actually pretty innocent. 

[winterbaby]

Even if the gf was getting a little vicarious thrill from seeing the boy at breakfast in the morning, I think that's actually pretty innocent. 

 

Yeah the idea that that's a moral hazard worth turning someone out of your house to avoid... what?! Getting into some kind of territory like the girl's interest in her boyfriend is inherently nefarious/shameful.

 

[teachermom2834]

Not specific to Quill because she has explained herself and gone to cook dinner but I just think I would troubleshoot in all kinds of ways before turning a gf out and saying "not my problem".

 

I would have driven the girl myself, offered to meet her parents halfway, seen if my ds could crash with a neighbor, or pulled an allnighter myself, etc. I would allow myself to be quite inconvenienced if standing on the line was that important to me.

 

I get the rule more than the unwillingness to be inconvenienced I guess. If that was my hill to die on (and I do have my own hills so I respect that) I bet what would have happened would have been ds and me making the trek to take her home. I likely would have told ds he had to buy me coffee and keep me awake or ds would drive and I would talk. I would be pleasant and concerned about the gf and I would give ds the "You owe me" look. Two hours later it would all be over. Likely the scenario would not repeat because gf would be embarrassed and ds would know I was annoyed and the other parents would likely be embarrassed and annoyed to have to go with her to retrieve her car the next day. And if she was scheming it backfired but everyone saved face and lived to be pleasant to one another the next day.

 

All of that to say, Goldberry, that you are completely justified in being upset about how it was handled. Even if this rule is unbreakable for them, they could have handled it in a way that showed more grace and concern.

Edited July 4, 2017 by teachermom2834

[Tangerine]

All of that to say, Goldberry, that you are completely justified in being upset about how it was handled. Even if this rule is unbreakable for them, they could have handled it in a way that showed more grace and concern.

 

:iagree:

 

And I think Goldberry's grace in a thread that has devolved into speculation that her DD is (possibly, hypothetically, for purposes of discussion) a brazen lying hussy with a breakfast fetish, is probably indicative of how she might reasonably expect others to behave.  Unfortunately, they did not.

[Guest]

I never said that. ðŸ˜

 

I guess I was the only young person who ever had their parents snowed thinking certain things were innocent when they were...not entirely. Like, I'm sure I'm the only teen who had the blanket over them on the Family Room floor, watching a movie with the boyfriend on the premise that we were cold.

 

We weren't cold under that blanket, though, that's for sure.

Yeah, you're not the only one.

[Joker]

One of the things I hate the most is when parents who have kids who lie to them and try to snow them (and maybe those parents did it to their own parents) assume all kids are this way. They usually always try to insist to other parents that they don't really know their kids and this is what they all do. I avoid those parents as much as I can. I know my kids and you obviously know yours. Let's leave it at that. 

 

I wasn't that way, my own dc aren't that way (at 17 and 15), and I definitely don't think the worst of their friends and SO's. 

[FriedClams]

I will not condone, encourage or turn a blind eye to my kids having intimate physical relationships outside of marriage. Never. Guests get a room, with a door, and the kid gets the couch (we don't have a guest room right now). No "visiting". No fooling around. In fact, don't go into another's room. When they're married, they can share a room and the privileges of marriage.

 

I honestly cannot IMAGINE anything else - either in my life growing up, or hosting a guest of my kid's. I can't fathom it.

[Shellydon]

DH is very strict about this: unmarried people will not share beds or bedrooms in our home.  He doesn't care what they do elsewhere.  Because he cares so much about this, I've never thought about what our policy would be if he had no opinion. He's picked it as a hill to die on.

 

This.  Any unmarried couple does not share a bed in our home.

[ChocolateReignRemix]

Even if the gf was getting a little vicarious thrill from seeing the boy at breakfast in the morning, I think that's actually pretty innocent. 

 

Nothing made me hotter than seeing a BF with bedhead...said no one ever.

[Renthead Mommy]

This. Any unmarried couple does not share a bed in our home.

My inlaws are mid 70's. They got together after 40 years of marriage each and each lost their spouse around the same time. They have been together almost 8 years now. They are the only grandparents my son remembers from his dad's side.

 

I can't imagine telling two 70 yos they have to sleep in seperate rooms! Talk about uncomfortable! LOL

[teachermom2834]

My inlaws are mid 70's. They got together after 40 years of marriage each and each lost their spouse around the same time. They have been together almost 8 years now. They are the only grandparents my son remembers from his dad's side.

 

I can't imagine telling two 70 yos they have to sleep in seperate rooms! Talk about uncomfortable! LOL

And this right here is why I gave up on making rules. I reserve the right to make gametime decisions. Lol Edited July 4, 2017 by teachermom2834

[Joker]

My inlaws are mid 70's. They got together after 40 years of marriage each and each lost their spouse around the same time. They have been together almost 8 years now. They are the only grandparents my son remembers from his dad's side.

 

I can't imagine telling two 70 yos they have to sleep in seperate rooms! Talk about uncomfortable! LOL

 

Yeah, my mom isn't legally married since my dad was killed but she's been with the same guy for the past 20 years. They can share a room when they visit. To do otherwise is completely ridiculous. 

[winterbaby]

My inlaws are mid 70's. They got together after 40 years of marriage each and each lost their spouse around the same time. They have been together almost 8 years now. They are the only grandparents my son remembers from his dad's side.

 

I can't imagine telling two 70 yos they have to sleep in seperate rooms! Talk about uncomfortable! LOL

 

Yeah, I can't imagine separating an adult couple if one wasn't my kid. And even if one was my kid, after a certain age (probably 25ish) I would have to accept if they weren't following my morals. It just seems inhospitable to force your morals. It seems arrogant to think that just because someone is your guest, that gives you moral authority over them. And it's icky to get into the details of someone's relationship that way.

[Tangerine]

My Aunt and Uncle were together as long as I can remember. They may have been together before I was born. I honestly can't ever remember him not being there. She cared for him through Alzheimer's and he died a couple of years ago. Never married. I can't imagine putting my foot down on some sort of moral argument about making one sleep elsewhere. That would not be any sort of moral high ground as far as I'm concerned.

[medawyn]

I have no idea where we're going to stand on this question, but hopefully we have a few years (like decade +) to decide.

 

However, my mom was adamant that her unmarried children would not sleep in the same room with an SO.  When she married my step-dad, we moved into his house two weeks before the wedding.  She shared my bedroom (two twin beds) the whole time.  I had just come from sharing a very small dorm room my freshman year in college, so I was appropriately annoyed to still be sharing my personal space, but I do have to say that even then - and certainly now - I appreciate her consistency in her behavior.  Not sure if I'll walk the same line with my kids, but I still admire that.

 

A funny story about sleeping together: my then-boyfriend had just gotten a job across the country, so we were squeezing in a quick visit to his grandparents who lived 3ish hours away from our current residence.  We already knew that I'd be in the guest room and he would be on the couch, and neither of us had a problem with that (late 20s, early 30s).  Well, I didn't know it, but he also planned to propose in their backyard.  He pops the question, we all go out to dinner, and when we get home, his grandparents insist that we take their bed.  His grandmother's exact words were, "You don't want the guest room; that bed squeaks!"  Talk about awkward!  

[Kassia]

 

I can't imagine telling two 70 yos they have to sleep in seperate rooms! Talk about uncomfortable! LOL

 

 

We had an awkward situation with my mother years ago.  She left my father for another man, but stayed married to my father for financial reasons.  My mother and her new bf came to visit and wanted to stay in the same bedroom.  I didn't say anything, but it was uncomfortable to me because my kids were young at the time and I didn't know how to explain that Grandma and Grandpa were still married, but Grandma was sharing a bedroom with John.  I guess they didn't really know my parents were still married, but it was still weird.  

[busymama7]

We are LDS and believe in no pre material s3x. We also have zero issue with serious BF/GF staying in the same house. They obviously get separate bedrooms but yeah not ever staying in the same home together is just something I've never heard expressed by anyone and I was raised in this church.

 

When my husband and I were dating we traveled to a football game and stayed with his married sister and family. We also stayed at his moms house a few times. I can't think of any other examples but we have had nieces and nephews do the same. Came to family holidays etc with a fiancé or serious BF/GF and no one blinks an eye. There is never a question of them staying in the same room though as all are committed to no s3x outside marriage.

 

I do see how a spontaneous situation should be watched carefully just in case the young adults were trying to be sneaky. it doesn't sound like this was the case but I would be paying attention that this didn't become a habit. I do think panned trips with separate sleeping arrangements is different than repeatedly "accidentally" ending up sleeping in the same house. So yeah I would not allow that if it became an issue.

[Scarlett]

We had an awkward situation with my mother years ago. She left my father for another man, but stayed married to my father for financial reasons. My mother and her new bf came to visit and wanted to stay in the same bedroom. I didn't say anything, but it was uncomfortable to me because my kids were young at the time and I didn't know how to explain that Grandma and Grandpa were still married, but Grandma was sharing a bedroom with John. I guess they didn't really know my parents were still married, but it was still weird.

What a terrible situation she put you in!

[Mergath]

Your DD is actually as dangerous as a drunk driver in the scenario you described.

 

:iagree:  Dd and I were almost killed by a teenage girl who fell asleep at the wheel a few years back. She fell asleep and drifted into our lane right before a hill, so as I came over the hill I had about a second to swerve around a car coming at me headfirst at sixty miles per hour. We literally missed her car by inches, then watched in horror as she went off the road and went flipping through a cornfield. If she'd come over the hill a second sooner, or if my reflexes had been just a bit slower, none of us would be here today.

 

I'm horrified that anyone could think young people driving when they're exhausted is no big deal. Over three thousand people a day die in car crashes in the US alone worldwide (oops). This is exactly the kind of thing people SHOULD be worried about, but some posters seem to find it mildly amusing that anyone wouldn't want to drive exhausted. :glare:

 

Edited July 4, 2017 by Mergath

[unsinkable]

:iagree: Dd and I were almost killed by a teenage girl who fell asleep at the wheel a few years back. She fell asleep and drifted into our lane right before a hill, so as I came over the hill I had about a second to swerve around a car coming at me headfirst at sixty miles per hour. We literally missed her car by inches, then watched in horror as she went off the road and went flipping through a cornfield. If she'd come over the hill a second sooner, or if my reflexes had been just a bit slower, none of us would be here today.

 

I'm horrified that anyone could think young people driving when they're exhausted is no big deal. Over three thousand people a day die in car crashes in the US alone. This is exactly the kind of thing people SHOULD be worried about, but some posters seem to find it mildly amusing that anyone wouldn't want to drive exhausted. :glare:

 

I'm glad you and your DD are OK.

 

How is the teenaged girl? Was she injured?

 

Finally...your stats are not correct. 3000 people a day do not die in the US in car crashes.

 

Approximately 35,000 people died in car accidents in the US in 2015 (I think that's the latest year I saw.)

 

That is under 100 per day, and also down a lot from the 70s where the numbers of deaths were sometimes well over 50,000 per year.

 

100 per day is still a tragedy, and it doesn't mean we shouldn't keep working to be safer drivers and build safer cars and safer roads.

[Lady Florida.]

Yeah, I can't imagine separating an adult couple if one wasn't my kid. And even if one was my kid, after a certain age (probably 25ish) I would have to accept if they weren't following my morals. It just seems inhospitable to force your morals. It seems arrogant to think that just because someone is your guest, that gives you moral authority over them. And it's icky to get into the details of someone's relationship that way.

 

Yeah, it seems bizarre to me to think I have the right to determine which pair of adults count as a "real" couple just because they're staying at my house. Also, unless they're young and hormonal or staying for an extended period of time, it's unlikely the guests are doing the deed in your guest room.

 

I met both of dh's grandmothers before we married. He took me to his small Tennessee mountain hometown to meet them. We stayed a few days with one and a few days with the other. Both were over 80 years old at the time. Both were devout Christians. And both were hospitable enough to offer us one room to stay in together. 

[marbel]

Yeah, it seems bizarre to me to think I have the right to determine which pair of adults count as a "real" couple just because they're staying at my house. Also, unless they're young and hormonal or staying for an extended period of time, it's unlikely the guests are doing the deed in your guest room.

 

I met both of dh's grandmothers before we married. He took me to his small Tennessee mountain hometown to meet them. We stayed a few days with one and a few days with the other. Both were over 80 years old at the time. Both were devout Christians. And both were hospitable enough to offer us one room to stay in together. 

 

I'm not disagreeing with you.  But this made me wonder...  what if they did not know that you would prefer to share a room?  

 

Seems to me to be more hospitable to offer a choice, or offer two rooms/spaces and let the guests decide.   That is, if one is unsure of the couple's preference.  If it is known that a couple lives together, that's one thing.  But, for example, when my husband and I visited family pre-marriage, we weren't living together and they had no reason to assume one preference or another, and we were each offered our own room.  I suppose if it had been important to us, he would have said "oh, thanks, we only need the one room."  It wasn't, so he didn't.  

 

Just musing, not arguing.

Edited July 4, 2017 by marbel

[Lady Florida.]

I'm not disagreeing with you.  But this made me wonder...  what if they did not know that you would prefer to share a room?  

 

Seems to me to be more hospitable to offer a choice, or offer two rooms/spaces and let the guests decide.   That is, if one is unsure of the couple's preference.  If it is known that a couple lives together, that's one thing.  But, for example, when my husband and I visited family pre-marriage, we weren't living together and they had no reason to assume one preference or another, and we were each offered our own room.  I suppose if it had been important to us, he would have said "oh, thanks, we only need the one room."  It wasn't, so he didn't.  

 

Just musing, not arguing.

 

They knew we were living together. Sorry I didn't clarify that. It sounds like some posters wouldn't allow an unmarried couple to share a room in their home even if that couple is already co-habitating. 

Edited July 4, 2017 by Lady Florida.

[unsinkable]

Yeah, it seems bizarre to me to think I have the right to determine which pair of adults count as a "real" couple just because they're staying at my house. Also, unless they're young and hormonal or staying for an extended period of time, it's unlikely the guests are doing the deed in your guest room.

 

I met both of dh's grandmothers before we married. He took me to his small Tennessee mountain hometown to meet them. We stayed a few days with one and a few days with the other. Both were over 80 years old at the time. Both were devout Christians. And both were hospitable enough to offer us one room to stay in together.

I'm not disagreeing with you. But this made me wonder... what if they did not know that you would prefer to share a room?

 

Seems to me to be more hospitable to offer a choice, or offer two rooms/spaces and let the guests decide. That is, if one is unsure of the couple's preference. If it is known that a couple lives together, that's one thing. But, for example, when my husband and I visited family pre-marriage, we weren't living together and they had no reason to assume one preference or another, and we were each offered our own room. I suppose if it had been important to us, he would have said "oh, thanks, we only need the one room." It wasn't, so he didn't.

 

Just musing, not arguing.

Hospitable...seems like yet another word that means different things to different people when it is actually played out.

 

I'd bet goldberry's DD's boyfriend's mother thinks she hospitable to her guests, too.

[Murphy101]

Unmarried couples do not sleep in the same room in my house. Not my 70+ year old dad. Not our same age cousins. Not my kids boy/girl friends. Full stop. None of them even ask.

 

In a genuine emergency, we'd either take them where they need to be ourselves or have the girl friend sleep in the "girls' dorm" with our girls. Or the boyfriend sleep in the spare bed in far boy's room that also requires walking through the "boys dorm".

 

Of course they could disregard and disrespect our household standards even then, in which case, I'm not going to have much consideration for sparing their feelings on how much I don't appreciate or respect that. Respect goes both ways.

 

This has not been an issue so far. Possibly because I still have many young children and they are aware of setting an example? Idk. I just know no one has even suggested unmarried and sleeping together here.

[Scarlett]

I didn't get from anyone on this thread that they didn't care that the girl was too tired to drive. The point that was made is that it wasn't a good enough reason to allow her to stay over night in a home where the standard is strict about premarital sex. Not allowing her to stay over night under the same roof may seem extreme to some but that family gets to say what goes on in their home.

 

The boys mom didn't kick her out into the street...she phoned the girls mom to explain that they couldn't allow the girl to stay overnight. I can agree somewhat that maybe the mom should have driven her home to show kindness but on the other hand I agree with Quill that I am not a night owl and it would have been a great hardship on me to drive her home.

 

As far as the comments that it is arrogant to say who can sleep together.....I find it arrogant that any one would think they should be able to come into my home and override our standards of conduct. Of course that is not the situation with Goldberrys dd since both teens have said they hold the same standard.

 

I do feel strongly that allowing teens to date when they are not ready for marriage is an unwise course for people who hope to adhere to no premarital sex.

[Murphy101]

Read goldberry's example...

 

I don't think the mom handled that very ... suavely. Which alas, is probably something stupid I would do. I'm an expert foot in mouth messer upper.

 

I can see why she wouldn't have felt comfortable having the girl bunk on the sofa. I wouldn't either. But I wouldn't have phrased it that way, I hope. I would have simply had ds drive her home and followed so he could ride back with me, if possible. (And probably not possible if I couldn't leave all the others at home.) However, I would have first tried bunking her with the girls in their room. If anything hospitality means one of my own daughters would take the sofa and the gf would get a bed in the girls room. I have never had a problem offering a place to sleep and a meal to anyone.

 

It sounds like the other mom might have been caught off guard and reacted less than ideally. It would not go over well if I got out of bed and stumbled upon a gal on the sofa. A sleepy and startled me is sometimes a cranky me.☺ï¸

[brehon]

Then there are whole professions of dangerous drivers.

Yes, there are. In my 20 year career I have attended two funerals of paramedics who were killed in MVCs while driving home tired *after* their 24 hour shifts.

 

Driving tired is functionally the same as driving drunk. And causes the same tragedies.

[Junie]

Unmarried couples do not sleep in the same room in my house. Not my 70+ year old dad. Not our same age cousins. Not my kids boy/girl friends. Full stop. None of them even ask.

 

In a genuine emergency, we'd either take them where they need to be ourselves or have the girl friend sleep in the "girls' dorm" with our girls. Or the boyfriend sleep in the spare bed in far boy's room that also requires walking through the "boys dorm".

 

Of course they could disregard and disrespect our household standards even then, in which case, I'm not going to have much consideration for sparing their feelings on how much I don't appreciate or respect that. Respect goes both ways.

 

This has not been an issue so far. Possibly because I still have many young children and they are aware of setting an example? Idk. I just know no one has even suggested unmarried and sleeping together here.

 

This is how it works at our house, too.  And especially the bolded.  They don't even ask.

 

I have one close family member who lives with her boyfriend, but my kids don't know that she lives with her boyfriend.  It would be very uncomfortable for everyone if they were to share a room here.

[zoobie]

 

Hospitable...seems like yet another word that means different things to different people when it is actually played out.

 

I'd bet goldberry's DD's boyfriend's mother thinks she hospitable to her guests, too.

"Get out, you scheming hussy. You've been plotting for 1.5 years to sleep on my couch and watch my son eat a bagel!" What definition of hospitable would that be exactly?

[Mergath]

I'm glad you and your DD are OK.

 

How is the teenaged girl? Was she injured?

 

Finally...your stats are not correct. 3000 people a day do not die in the US in car crashes.

 

Approximately 35,000 people died in car accidents in the US in 2015 (I think that's the latest year I saw.)

 

That is under 100 per day, and also down a lot from the 70s where the numbers of deaths were sometimes well over 50,000 per year.

 

100 per day is still a tragedy, and it doesn't mean we shouldn't keep working to be safer drivers and build safer cars and safer roads.

 

Sorry, I think that was worldwide, not in the US. I shouldn't post at three in the morning when I'm too tired to see straight, lol.

 

The girl seemed okay at the scene. She was wearing a seatbelt, thankfully. The EMTs brought her to the hospital and I don't know what happened to her after that.

Edited July 4, 2017 by Mergath

[unsinkable]

"Get out, you scheming hussy. You've been plotting for 1.5 years to sleep on my couch and watch my son eat a bagel!" What definition of hospitable would that be exactly?

You know I'm not the boyfriend's mother, right?

[unsinkable]

Sorry, I think that was worldwide, not in the US. I shouldn't post at three in the morning when I'm too tired to see straight, lol.

 

The girl seemed okay at the scene. She was wearing a seatbelt, thankfully. The EMTs brought her to the hospital and I don't know what happened to her after that.

No problem.

 

I'm glad everyone (seemingly) was OK.

[Guest]

"Get out, you scheming hussy. You've been plotting for 1.5 years to sleep on my couch and watch my son eat a bagel!" What definition of hospitable would that be exactly?

Because I'm sure that's what the other mom said. None of us knows exactly how this situation unfolded, either. I can definitely picture a scenario that would totally throw me and me response would be to call goldberry. It would be like this:

 

GF is hanging around, seemingly in no hurry to go home. It gets to be 10:30...still, GF seems to be making no plans to go home. I'm BF's mother and I'm thinking, "Why is she making no move to go home? She knows we pretty much close up shop here by 11, and she still has that long drive back to her home..." And then I would approach the pair of them and say, "It's getting kind of late. Hadn't GF better be heading home?" Suppose BF casually said, "Oh, GF is tired and is just going to crash here tonight, on the couch." Of course, I don't know how it went down. But if it was similar to what I just described, and I'm the BF's mom, I'm going to be 50 shades of pissed off. I'm not going to suddenly change my standard on young adults staying over because the GF hung around too late and is now tired.

 

If Goldberry didn't leave her home to go get DD until around 11, as she said, then the BF's mom must not have realized/discovered the intention to have GF stay until 10:30 or later. If I am the mom, no, I'm not going to be flexible and comfortable about this plan that I just found out about after 10:30. I would wonder (as I do wonder) why GF hung around late, growing ever-more tired, if she had concerns about driving back home tired. If my standard in the household is that GF/BFs don't sleep over and I feel it sets a bad precedent for my younger children to observe, then I'm definitely going to be mad the GF didn't get herself home when it was timely, and no, I'm not going to suddenly throw away my standards because two young adults assumed it would be fine.

[Jenny in Florida]

Because I'm sure that's what the other mom said. None of us knows exactly how this situation unfolded, either. I can definitely picture a scenario that would totally throw me and me response would be to call goldberry. It would be like this:

 

GF is hanging around, seemingly in no hurry to go home. It gets to be 10:30...still, GF seems to be making no plans to go home. I'm BF's mother and I'm thinking, "Why is she making no move to go home? She knows we pretty much close up shop here by 11, and she still has that long drive back to her home..." And then I would approach the pair of them and say, "It's getting kind of late. Hadn't GF better be heading home?" Suppose BF casually said, "Oh, GF is tired and is just going to crash here tonight, on the couch." Of course, I don't know how it went down. But if it was similar to what I just described, and I'm the BF's mom, I'm going to be 50 shades of pissed off. I'm not going to suddenly change my standard on young adults staying over because the GF hung around too late and is now tired.

 

If Goldberry didn't leave her home to go get DD until around 11, as she said, then the BF's mom must not have realized/discovered the intention to have GF stay until 10:30 or later. If I am the mom, no, I'm not going to be flexible and comfortable about this plan that I just found out about after 10:30. I would wonder (as I do wonder) why GF hung around late, growing ever-more tired, if she had concerns about driving back home tired. If my standard in the household is that GF/BFs don't sleep over and I feel it sets a bad precedent for my younger children to observe, then I'm definitely going to be mad the GF didn't get herself home when it was timely, and no, I'm not going to suddenly throw away my standards because two young adults assumed it would be fine.

 

So, while you are right that none of us knows exactly what happened or what was said in that family's home that evening, there are a couple of things I think are relevant:

 

First, Goldberry said in her initial description that the girlfriend was not "hanging around." She had been out with the BF near his home and, when she realized she was too tired to feel safe driving, the BF invited her to stay.

 

"BF says, oh, I'm sure you can stay at our house, we have people stay over all the time.  (There was, of course, no insinuation of room-sharing or anything else, DD was expecting to crash on the couch.) " (From Goldberry's original post)

 

The girlfriend wasn't presuming; she was invited.

 

Second, Zoobie's sarcastic summation was in response to Unsinkable's contention that the BF's mother might somehow have thought her actions were "hospitable." While I agree that it's unlikely she phrased her decision exactly the way Zoobie worded it, I do wonder how the actions, on their face, meet anyone's conception of the idea of hospitality.

Edited July 4, 2017 by Jenny in Florida

[goldberry]

Because I don't give a lot of credit to, "Oh, wow, I just realized I'm sleepy and I have somehow forgotten that my drive home is long, windy and dark!"

 

She doesn't have some sort of *right* to sleep over because she finds herself surprised to be tired and not looking forward to the dark, long ride back.

 

 The young lady was imposing upon them in my opinion.

 

 

To me, the difference is that the young lady made an "emergency" where none existed because she didn't plan appropriately. Driving while tired is not a crisis. Is it ideal? No. Can it be done? Yes. 

 

 

 

 

 

I have not always been able to "plan" appropriately for tiredness. 

 

Also, driving while tired is a leading cause of accidents. I would applaud a teen for recognizing that she is not fit to drive.

 

(Just like I praised my DS when he recognized that he was getting too tired to drive home safely, pulled over on an exit, and promptly fell asleep. The fact that he left the lights on, drained the battery and had to be rescued was a minor glitch, and I am still happy that he did not continue driving. )

 

The whole idea of turning a person (who had not committed a major infraction against me or mine) out of my house is so alien to me.

 

. 

 

 

This!   This wasn't some casual relationship where they just started dating.  They are talking about marriage!   So, IMO the man in the situation should be taking responsibility for ensuring that his SERIOUS girlfriend got home safely.  What would they have done if the parents couldn't come get her for some reason?   Would they have pushed her to drive home even though she did't feel she could?  Taking the chance that she would get into an accident?  That little consideration for the safety of someone their son supposedly has strong feelings for, is not right.

 

If their rationale was Quills, they are putting their own concern over appearances over the safety of someone their son presumably loves enough to consider marrying.  WTH?

 

 

I'm in many ways religiously conservative as well, and I find the whole idea of imputing those kinds of motives on a teen (or anyone else) completely bizarre and shocking.

 

If I'd realized my friend's parents thought that way about me as a teen, I'd have been humiliated and horrified.

 

 

I'm more like, "You're tired? Oh, that's annoying. Here's a cup of joe. Do you take cream?"

 

ly. ðŸ˜

 

 

To Quill regarding DD.. Wow.   But thank you for helping so show that I was probably right about the mom's thought process here.

 

To Quill regarding driving while you feel might fall asleep, there have been some good responses here and I hope you will read the facts and reconsider how seriously you take this.  I know one person killed and one person almost killed.  The stats and science support how serious it is.  I was so glad DD had the presence of mind to realize it.  And yes, on the way home she was crying she was so embarrassed and apologetic about everything.  I assured her that I was not mad in the least and that I was glad she recognized that she was compromised.

 

To the others who commented, thank you for your support.  

[FriedClams]

I am a little surprised by all the emphasis on bring hospitable. What about the responsibilities of being a guest? If I go to your home, your rules apply. You want me to take off my shoes? You only drink water with dinner? Your internet turns off at 10? And, I don't invite myself over or to stay. Tired? Call home for a ride. If in invited to stay, I might, but u

I've been taught never to ask. As a guest I should graciously comply with your rules and not impose myself.

[Jenny in Florida]

And, I don't invite myself over or to stay. Tired? Call home for a ride. If in invited to stay, I might, but u

I've been taught never to ask. As a guest I should graciously comply with your rules and not impose myself.

 

The girlfriend was invited:

 

"BF says, oh, I'm sure you can stay at our house, we have people stay over all the time.  (There was, of course, no insinuation of room-sharing or anything else, DD was expecting to crash on the couch.) "

[Scarlett]

To Quill regarding DD.. Wow. But thank you for helping so show that I was probably right about the mom's thought process here.

 

To Quill regarding driving while you feel might fall asleep, there have been some good responses here and I hope you will read the facts and reconsider how seriously you take this. I know one person killed and one person almost killed. The stats and science support how serious it is. I was so glad DD had the presence of mind to realize it. And yes, on the way home she was crying she was so embarrassed and apologetic about everything. I assured her that I was not mad in the least and that I was glad she recognized that she was compromised.

 

To the others who commented, thank you for your support.

I am sure she was embarrassed, but to me that seems to mostly be on the boy. He should never invited her without clearing it with the parents.

[goldberry]

Also just to clarify...

 

1.  DD had been sick and this was her first day out.  She thought she was back to normal and ended up extraordinarily tired at the end of the night.

2.  She and the BF were at a 7-11 buying an energy drink when he said she should just stay at his house, because his parents said they had an "open house" and friends crashed there all the time.

3.  I mentioned the 1.5 years to show that this family knows and supposedly has a relationship with her.  

4.  I take driving when overly sleepy very seriously and her behavior regarding that was the right thing to do in my opinion.

 

[Scarlett]

The girlfriend was invited:

 

"BF says, oh, I'm sure you can stay at our house, we have people stay over all the time. (There was, of course, no insinuation of room-sharing or anything else, DD was expecting to crash on the couch.) "

I don't think she was invited by the parents. The girl probably didn't realize he was asking her without clearing it with her parents.

[unsinkable]

So, while you are right that none of us knows exactly what happened or what was said in that family's home that evening, there are a couple of things I think are relevant:

 

First, Goldberry said in her initial description that the girlfriend was not "hanging around." She had been out with the BF near his home and, when she realized she was too tired to feel safe driving, the BF invited her to stay.

 

"BF says, oh, I'm sure you can stay at our house, we have people stay over all the time. (There was, of course, no insinuation of room-sharing or anything else, DD was expecting to crash on the couch.) " (From Goldberry's original post)

 

The girlfriend wasn't presuming; she was invited.

 

Second, Zoobie's sarcastic summation was in response to Unsinkable's contention that the BF's mother might somehow have thought her actions were "hospitable." While I agree that it's unlikely she phrased her decision exactly the way Zoobie worded it, I do wonder how the actions, on their face, meet anyone's conception of the idea of hospitality.

Welł, if I had to guess, not being the BF's mom, I don't think she'd consider it (the possibility of the GF sleeping over) a hospitality issue at all.

[goldberry]

I don't think she was invited by the parents. The girl probably didn't realize he was asking her without clearing it with her parents.

 

He actually tried to call them several times from the 7-11 and they weren't answering the phone for some reason.  He was also basing that on previous experiences with other friends, and his siblings friends.  He didn't think there was a different rule because she was a girlfriend, and wasn't asking to sleep in the same room or anything.  She could have slept with the sisters.

[marbel]

I don't think she was invited by the parents. The girl probably didn't realize he was asking her without clearing it with her parents.

 

Well obviously she wasn't invited by the parents, since it was a parent who said she could not stay.  

 

Sure, the boy was wrong to invite her without clearing it with his parents.  But it seems a reasonable assumption that they would let her stay if it's true that they "have people stay over all the time."   That was still not Goldberry's daughter's fault and she surely did not invite herself to stay (as others have said). And she would probably assume that the boyfriend knew his own family's policies on having people stay over. 

Edited July 4, 2017 by marbel

[Scarlett]

He actually tried to call them several times from the 7-11 and they weren't answering the phone for some reason. He was also basing that on previous experiences with other friends, and his siblings friends. He didn't think there was a different rule because she was a girlfriend, and wasn't asking to sleep in the same room or anything. She could have slept with the sisters.

Yes I can see how he would think that but turns out he was wrong. :). So a lot of miscommunication going on and I am sure it will all work out ok.

 

If I were you I would probably not discuss it with the other parents any more than you already have.