Grrr....Kids Want To Go Back To Public School

[Reefgazer]

DD has been homeschooled since 6th grade (we're in our 4th year).  I've hustled to give her everything she wants that will benefit her- horseback riding lessons and barn work because this is where her career aspirations are, sports access, custom courses tailored to her interests, etc....  We've talked about dual enrollment soon and she is excited by that.  We've discussed taking the spring of her senior year off for travel to wherever she might want to travel, and she seemed excited by her options.  Tonight she told me she wants to go back to public school because that's where her friends are, but the public school is bad here in Norfolk, VA.  I told her public school was out because of the educational quality, but she said her friends are there and that's the only place she wanted to go.  I told her of she went back to school it would have to be private school, and I gave her the choice of 5 different private schools; she was not happy with those choices and wants public school.  Just no.  This is a social kid, but I am not sacrificing academics for a robust social life.  Now she's peeved at me; this kind of came out of the blue.  She misses daily contact with friends, apparently.  I have offered to decrease academics in order to increase time for a social life, but that's not good enough - she wants public school.  Returning to school would require she give up swim team and barn time, and I can't understand why she would want to do that when she begged for both.  She isn't lonely - we are in 3 co-ops where she loves her friends, but she wants to see them every day, which is difficult because homeschoolers are each on their own schedule. 

 

DS wants to go to public school also, but I rejected that idea because the public school is so bad.  I have him a choice of 4 schools, but nope - he just wants the public school, as well.  He doesn't want the religious training or dress code that he'd have to follow at private school.

 

Anyone ever dealt with this specific issue at all?   How did you resolve it?  My kids are 12 (DS)  and 14 (DD) if you're wondering.

Edited January 27, 2017 by reefgazer

[Arcadia]

Assuming it is friends and not the Extracurriculars at that public school, could you host "study hall" daily Monday to Friday for her friends? I have two neighbors doing that, one has a 10th grader boy and one has a 9th grader girl. The kids are in private high schools but they want to spend afterschool time with their friends who was in the same public school from K-8.

 

Your daughter is in 9th grade. Would public school give her a hard time with giving her credit for whatever she completed this year? That might dissuade her.

 

My boys are looking a private secular high schools because of daily social needs, no dress codes required for those we looked at. My house is too small to host study hall for two groups of kids. I'm still trying to figure out what to do for my two kids social needs. Luckily going to the library every day has helped a little. Today DS12 refused to do academics until we went to the library, then he contentedly worked fast when we came home.

 

ETA:

My boys are being annoying pre-teens. I'm blaming their age :)

Edited January 27, 2017 by Arcadia

[Anne in CA]

Considering that you offered private and they turned you down I would not feel bad about saying no. No one would make good choices for themselves at that age. All of my children chose things over academics that changed the course of their lives. Some good, some bad. My two younger children were academic super achievers until about 14, then they got more interested in social things and the oldest one put all his extra time into sports and the youngest went back to school. Both of the probably could have had perfect SAT scores if they had continued home schooling, considering the ones they got with no practice at all are very close already and that would have really changed the direction of their lives. My youngest is still only 17, but she is more interested in her competitive cheer than working on her math just a smidgen to get a perfect SAT score. 

 

I find it interesting the the idea of public school became so important to both all of a sudden. The older one must have talked to the younger one??? GRRR. I suspect that if the older one knew that she might never even so much as have lunch with her friends at public school if she got a bad schedule she might change her mind on her own. My oldest did attend public high and often had a hard time seeing her friends in school at all. 

[Janie Grace]

Well, it's happening here but we ARE considering public because it's good (ranked top 5 in our state).

 

If that wasn't the case, and they were adamant, I'd probably let them visit 2-3 private schools and then we would choose from those. Their vote would NOT be the deciding vote, but I would weigh it.

 

That said, sometimes parental choices aren't popular and if you end up keeping them home and they're ticked, oh well. They will live. 

[displace]

Will more friend interaction help? Not just visits, but maybe phones for calls, texting? Maybe semi regular teen parties? A job?

[Reefgazer]

I'll be hosting biology SAT prep for 2 other homeschooled students, but can't do much more because we are out of the house 4 days a week as it is for our activities.  We were supposed to cut down activities this semester for some sanity, but Miss Social Butterfly whined that she "never sees her friends" and here we are over-extended again, mainly because of out of the house commitments, both social and academic.  The problem is that I got her an iPhone before Christmas and she started connecting with kids she knew in 5th grade public school and I think that set off the whole "I want to see my public school friends" thing.  So hosting a few homeschooled students isn't going to cut it  - she's nostalgic for her public school friends now that she found them on Instagram and Snapchat.

 

The local public school will give her credit for required courses if she passes the state exam, which she is confident she can do (and she would pass), so that's not an issue.

Assuming it is friends and not the Extracurriculars at that public school, could you host "study hall" daily Monday to Friday for her friends? I have two neighbors doing that, one has a 10th grader boy and one has a 9th grader girl. The kids are in private high schools but they want to spend afterschool time with their friends who was in the same public school from K-8.

Your daughter is in 9th grade. Would public school give her a hard time with giving her credit for whatever she completed this year? That might dissuade her.

My boys are looking a private secular high schools because of daily social needs, no dress codes required for those we looked at. My house is too small to host study hall for two groups of kids. I'm still trying to figure out what to do for my two kids social needs. Luckily going to the library every day has helped a little. Today DS12 refused to do academics until we went to the library, then he contentedly worked fast when we came home.

ETA:
My boys are being annoying pre-teens. I'm blaming their age :)

 

[Reefgazer]

I have worked very hard to give both kids a rigorous and engaging education; I have given it my all. I am disappointed DD would toss it all for public school friends. I was at the college where I teach this evening and picked up a College Algebra exam and notebook and quickly realized she would own that test and I was so happy for her education when I realized that. When I told her that, she said "academics aren't the only important thing." So she is willing to reduce her barn/horse time, give up swim team, give up her homeschool friends and co-ops, write off dual enrollment and senior year travel to hang out with a bunch of kids who haven't been in her social circle for years! I thought she had a better head on her shoulders than that.

 

I got her an iPhone before Christmas and she started connecting with kids she knew in 5th grade public school and I think that set off the whole "I want to see my public school friends" thing.

 

 

 

 

Considering that you offered private and they turned you down I would not feel bad about saying no. No one would make good choices for themselves at that age. All of my children chose things over academics that changed the course of their lives. Some good, some bad. My two younger children were academic super achievers until about 14, then they got more interested in social things and the oldest one put all his extra time into sports and the youngest went back to school. Both of the probably could have had perfect SAT scores if they had continued home schooling, considering the ones they got with no practice at all are very close already and that would have really changed the direction of their lives. My youngest is still only 17, but she is more interested in her competitive cheer than working on her math just a smidgen to get a perfect SAT score.

 

I find it interesting the the idea of public school became so important to both all of a sudden. The older one must have talked to the younger one??? GRRR. I suspect that if the older one knew that she might never even so much as have lunch with her friends at public school if she got a bad schedule she might change her mind on her own. My oldest did attend public high and often had a hard time seeing her friends in school at all.

Edited January 27, 2017 by reefgazer

[Reefgazer]

If we have anymore social interaction, we may as well run for mayor; no kidding.  But she wants to see these kids she re-connected with *every day*.  The iPhone she got last month set this off for sure, because once she found her former classmates on social media, she has been texting/Instagramming/whatever non-stop.  I have reasonable limits on phone and electronic use and reducing those limits is a non-starter.  As is it, she is allowed free use of her phone until 9:00 pm or unless she is doing schoolwork.  She claimed she has seen "no one" for three days, but yesterday she went to the barn and French, Tuesday she was at co-op, and Monday she went to French and her barn job.  I tried to explain to her that she needs to set aside time for school and we can not spend our days socializing like some flapper-era gadfly.  She already attends parties and get-togethers occasionally (Halloween party, New Year's Eve party, a wing eating contest at Buffalo Wild Wings) and has a job at the barn.
 

Will more friend interaction help? Not just visits, but maybe phones for calls, texting? Maybe semi regular teen parties? A job?

 

Edited January 27, 2017 by reefgazer

[Loesje22000]

Maybe it is inefernational whining week?

 

DD complains about not having time for her self, about negative social interaction in her clubs etc.

Last year she also had a difficult time in januari / februari.

So I have made a rule ( considering I have winter depression) : we make no big important decisions in january/ february.

My dd wants to quit her few social activities, but last year she changed her mind when it became spring.

I hope she will change her mind again :)

 

Not saying it is the same for everyone, and realising our schoolyear season runs probably different.

[Arcadia]

The problem is that I got her an iPhone before Christmas and she started connecting with kids she knew in 5th grade public school and I think that set off the whole "I want to see my public school friends" thing.

I can totally understand that because my family and friends are across the Pacific Ocean. The nostalgia is worse because my Chinese New Year is tomorrow Asia time (GMT+8).

 

President Day is a long weekend. Maybe a sleepover to catch up and get it out of her system might help. When I saw my elementary school classmates on the first week of my high school years, the last thing I did was study. I was literally chatting and catching up whenever I could. It is the feeling of being out of the loop.

[EndOfOrdinary]

To me this sounds like an emotional disconnect. There is something she wants, but logically it cannot be interaction or friends - she has both. Is there a way to sit down and logically explain that? to ask her what it is she thinks she might be needing or creating in the idea of *every day* and these long lost people?

 

Family therapist has had me do this with Ds a couple of times. Ds will decide on a hollywood image of something and then just destroy himself either trying to achieve the dream or be mortified when the dream does not appear. By setting out the un-emotional logic, Ds can figure out what he actually wants and really have a chance to achieve happiness. Therapist has also tried talking with Dh about his version of idealized family (childhood was very messy and hearbreaking for dh) versus the reality of raising a child and being married. So often we tend to idealize or flat out lie to ourselves. The consequences are rarely as dramatic as rerouting school/future, but in certain instances bursting the bubble might greatly help.

[kroe1]

Your kids are thriving and you are thriving at homeschooling. So just say, "no".

[bettyandbob]

To me this sounds like an emotional disconnect. There is something she wants, but logically it cannot be interaction or friends - she has both. Is there a way to sit down and logically explain that? to ask her what it is she thinks she might be needing or creating in the idea of *every day* and these long lost people?

 

 

I also suspect it's not about public school. At her age it may be about your control. You control academics, extracurricular, and social life. You chose or helped select those things. You control the schedule. You drive.

[DawnM]

Well, it's happening here but we ARE considering public because it's good (ranked top 5 in our state).

 

If that wasn't the case, and they were adamant, I'd probably let them visit 2-3 private schools and then we would choose from those. Their vote would NOT be the deciding vote, but I would weigh it.

 

That said, sometimes parental choices aren't popular and if you end up keeping them home and they're ticked, oh well. They will live. 

 

This is us too.  Both younger boys are at PS this year, our local one, because it is good, top ranked (sometimes the very top for our greater metro area, but never falling below #3.....it is just that it fluctuates some based on test scores, but the top 3 schools are within a point or two in testing.  And sometimes it depends on who is doing the ranking.....and what for.)

 

Anyway, that is one reason we didn't move last summer.  

 

But given the OP's situation, I would look at a few things.

 

1.  Are your kids able to get into the higher programs within the school?  Often a "bad" school still has a good program if you can be in honors and/or AP classes.

 

2. Ask your kids what their goals may be.  Maybe they don't need a high ranked school and will do fine in a mid-range school.  Maybe they don't have plans to go to a prestigious college, etc....my kids are in a great PS but so far, I haven't seen any desire on my middle son's part, to achieve anything beyond what I would consider decent effort but not stellar.  

 

3.  Do both of your kids make wise choices when it comes to friends and/or situations?  Maybe you could stipulate, "You can go to PS, but I will yank you out if you don't participate in the Christian club" or whatever you think they need for accountability.  Or stipulate grades, or whatever.

 

Just some random thoughts there.

[Sunshine State Sue]

Is there any possibility of taking a class or two or an extra-curricular or two at the school?

 

Ds was adamant before 9th grade that he wanted to continue to homeschool.  He wouldn't even consider public (charter) or private.  But, sometime in 9th grade that changed and he wanted to go to local PS for 10th grade.  Absolutely not full-time, due to poor academics.  But, he was able to go and take Spanish and Law Studies (later replaced by PE).  He was on the basketball team 7th-12th grade.  He also started at CC in 10th grade.  He took Spanish at PS for 2 years, but voluntarily continued at CC in 12th grade.  He surprised me in 12th grade when he took 1 semester of PE at PS, but nothing the 2nd semester.  He was full-time at CC (4 classes/semester) in 11th and 12th grade.

 

It was an eye opener for sure.  I asked him what the difference between the PS students and the CC students was.  He said at least at CC, they try. 

 

It was not perfect.  It was a compromise.  He is a junior in college now, and I'll have to ask him about the 20/20 hindsight of it.  He was definitely less social than any of us would have liked.  He is introverted and honestly has about 1 so-so friend that he will visit when he is back from college.  And the basketball coach/team.  Academically, there is no question that it was the right decision for him not to attend PS full-time.  I am confident that he does not look back and wish we had allowed him to attend PS full-time.  He is very happy and proud of what he has achieved in college and his success would have been impossible with a PS education.

 

Disappoint your dd.  Tell her you'll help in any way to give her a better social life, but not at the cost of the PS's poor academics.

 

My 2c.

Edited January 27, 2017 by Sue in St Pete

[regentrude]

  When I told her that, she said "academics aren't the only important thing."  So she is willing to reduce her barn/horse time, give up swim team, give up her homeschool friends and co-ops, write off dual enrollment and senior year travel to hang out with a bunch of public school kids!  I thought she had a better head on her shoulders than that. 

 

Gently: I find the bolded "hang out with a bunch of public school kids" incredibly dismissive towards these young people, as if being in public school is a moral flaw and makes them unsuitable company.

I understand your frustration, because I too homeschool for academic reasons, but I agree with your DD when she says that academics is not the only important thing. She sounds extremely social, and I can relate to that as well. Social needs are needs, not wants. She is at an age where peers become very important, that is normal for teens. My teens want to be with their friends daily, too. And I did, when I was a teen.

 

Is there a way to increase her opportunities to hang out with friends? To get together with these kids? 

Can she enroll part time at the school, for an elective that is not of vital academic importance? Take choir or art?

Edited January 27, 2017 by regentrude

[Melissa B]

My dd also wants to go to public school to be with friends. I have said no to eighth grade next year, but yes to 9th grade if she can get into the IB or Cambridge programs. We have one local high school with each program. Now that she knows she can go she is reweighing her options and may choose to go the dual enrollment route as her older sisters have.

[QueenCat]

Sometimes the parent card has to be pulled "No, dear, sorry, it's just not an option". I wouldn't put my kids in that particular school system either. There are few systems in this overall area that I'd consider that for, if we were still at that stage.

[school17777]

What makes a school bad? As DawnM said, if she is able to handle the higher level classes, those classes may overcome the other stuff. (And it sounds like she would qualify for those higher classes.)

 

Do you think that your dd may hold it against you in the future if you don't let her try the public school? I have a friend at church whose parents regret not letting their dd go to the state college that she wanted to go to decades later. The parents insisted that she attend a small, Christian college. That dd still resents in her 30s not being able to go the the school she wanted. The parents wish they had let her go where she wanted.

[bettyandbob]

What does she think her studies at public school will include? I can assure you that my two who attended public high school did not coast academically to have time to socialize. My DD managed to keep up a pretty intense ballet schedule while finishing high school with 5 credits of French (IB), 2 credits of Japanese, IB math that took her through the equivalent of a year of college calc, IB physics, IB English IB history and IB psychology. DS did similar. They had friends who did multivariable calc and linear algebra.

 

Yes, you around more kids. You have friends in these classes. Socializing may occur at lunch. You may have friends you study with, but you are really studying.

 

I'm sure Norfolk has opportunities for significant APs.

 

Are you concerned about the type of students your DD will latch to as friends. Will you expect her to take challenging classes and put in serious effort.

 

I'd figure out what public school really looks like. I think you and your DD may be making assumptions

[City Mouse]

I am wondering if there is a specific person (such as a boy) that she wants to see on a regular basis rather than just "friends" in general?

[BlsdMama]

If it's not an option, then it isn't an option.  Have you tried just being blunt? (Sincere question.)  I would say, "That isn't on the table.  These are your choices."

[Reefgazer]

I think it would be difficult and far less than ideal to homeschool an uncooperative, surly high schooler, so I would like to change her attitude and get her fully onboard.

 

Your kids are thriving and you are thriving at homeschooling. So just say, "no".

Edited January 27, 2017 by reefgazer

[Reefgazer]

The public school does not allow homeschoolers to take a single course or two, but several private schools do and I have offered that option to her, but it was a non-starter.

Is there any possibility of taking a class or two or an extra-curricular or two at the school?

 

Ds was adamant before 9th grade that he wanted to continue to homeschool. He wouldn't even consider public (charter) or private. But, sometime in 9th grade that changed and he wanted to go to local PS for 10th grade. Absolutely not full-time, due to poor academics. But, he was able to go and take Spanish and Law Studies (later replaced by PE). He was on the basketball team 7th-12th grade. He also started at CC in 10th grade. He took Spanish at PS for 2 years, but voluntarily continued at CC in 12th grade. He surprised me in 12th grade when he took 1 semester of PE at PS, but nothing the 2nd semester. He was full-time at CC (4 classes/semester) in 11th and 12th grade.

 

It was an eye opener for sure. I asked him what the difference between the PS students and the CC students was. He said at least at CC, they try.

 

It was not perfect. It was a compromise. He is a junior in college now, and I'll have to ask him about the 20/20 hindsight of it. He was definitely less social than any of us would have liked. He is introverted and honestly has about 1 so-so friend that he will visit when he is back from college. And the basketball coach/team. Academically, there is no question that it was the right decision for him not to attend PS full-time. I am confident that he does not look back and wish we had allowed him to attend PS full-time. He is very happy and proud of what he has achieved in college and his success would have been impossible with a PS education.

 

Disappoint your dd. Tell her you'll help in any way to give her a better social life, but not at the cost of the PS's poor academics.

 

My 2c.

[MysteryJen]

So I have homeschooled 3 through high school and my last two will graduate from the public high school. Dd2 decided to go to public school for social reasons and we decided to allow it. Our reasons were:

1. She is dyslexic with processing speed issues. My version of high school would have been impossible for her. She is on the honors track and, frankly, could be working harder and spending more time with school. She will not be taking AP courses, the reading load is too much, too fast for her. She is not academically inclined and likes practical courses. Planning to do a business degree.

2. She wanted a wider circle of friends than swim team. That has been good. More friends is better and less drama in her life.

3. She wanted to join a different team, farther away. We said the only way she could join that team was if she was homeschooled. She declined and has made her current team work very, very well for herself, because she had to make it work.

4. We required good grades (not a problem), solving her own problems (she has done very well) and participating in the life of the school by swimming on the hs swim team. This has been harder and has definitely made life more complicated but has brought bonuses as well.

 

Frankly, her education is not as good as her siblings. But it is hers. We work on the habits that she needs for success in college (planning to swim for a DI program) and she is motivated. I had to let go of the "best hs education."

In your situation, I would propose that one activity has to go completely. You may be surpised where that conversation leads you.

[MysteryJen]

I also want to add that if you do not have "buy in" from your teen to homeschool high school, it will not be good, either academically or for your relationship. Homeschooling high school is hard, even if you all agree that it is the best thing.

[Reefgazer]

Yes, that phrasing was obnoxious; I rephrased it and modified it to reflect my original intent, which is to convey that these are not people she has in her usual social circle anymore.

 

We can't really increase her social schedule anymore; we are maxed out and overextended now. It is possible that she can swap out some current social activities for other social activities, but getting together with the public school kids on a regular basis is not really possible because she isn't in that social loop for spontaneous get togethers anymore and they're on a totally different schedule.

 

The local public school here does not allow partial enrollment for homeschool kids.

 

Gently: I find the bolded "hang out with a bunch of public school kids" incredibly dismissive towards these young people, as if being in public school is a moral flaw and makes them unsuitable company.

I understand your frustration, because I too homeschool for academic reasons, but I agree with your DD when she says that academics is not the only important thing. She sounds extremely social, and I can relate to that as well. Social needs are needs, not wants. She is at an age where peers become very important, that is normal for teens. My teens want to be with their friends daily, too. And I did, when I was a teen.

 

Is there a way to increase her opportunities to hang out with friends? To get together with these kids?

Can she enroll part time at the school, for an elective that is not of vital academic importance? Take choir or art?

Edited January 27, 2017 by reefgazer

[OneStepAtATime]

Here is the issue I found even for me when I was in High School, but certainly for DD homeschooling HIgh School as well as her friends that are in PS High School:  The very limited amount of time to just hang out.  No structured activity, no planned academic class, just time to actually sit around and talk and share and laugh and argue and hang out on a regular basis.  

 

My mom, when I was in school, worked hard to carve out time for my friends to come over and just hang out.  Or to drop me off at someone else's house to just hang out, play board games, and talk.  And it was a huge help.  I didn't need more structured time around people doing activities so much as I needed quality time, without a bunch of adults dictating my every move, so my friends and I could just bond.  Does your daughter have one or two genuinely close friends she can have a lot of down time with, just to hang out?

 

Once a person hits the adult world, with work schedules and frequently family needs, it becomes even harder to make close friends.  We are hard wired to need time with peers and to socialize in the Middle School/High School years especially but I think frequently all we get are very superficial opportunities where we are around others and it feels like we had a "social" moment, but it remains unsatisfying in many ways.  Why?  No depth.

 

Maybe what your daughter is subconsciously seeking is a place where she can just hang out with friends on a regular basis and just get to know each other, develop a deeper bond, talk and share and laugh and cry and yell at each other a bit.  PS probably won't be that place since the workload and hours required in school these days seems pretty high, but she may believe that being at PS all day with other people might give her those opportunities to truly bond since they would see each other daily.

 

I know it is hard to see from where you sit why she would be chucking out things you feel are really good for her future.  I have to agree with her, though, that academics are not all that is important in life.  The things I remember most from my High School and even College years are the close friendships I formed.  Many of those friendships are still strong, still sustain me in many ways, and some of those friendships put me on better paths, career wise.  I don't regret spending time forging those friendships at the expense of some of my academics.  Academics didn't sustain my heart and my soul.  My friends and my family did.

 

ETA:  As for what to do, would the school allow her to audit a class for a week or two?  Actually being there, she may find that the constraints on time and the limited options for social interaction might not be what she wants after all.  Or you might find that the school offers more than it appears to at first glance.  

 

I agree, getting her on board with homeschooling is the ideal in this situation but if she really feels like you are not understanding her feelings and choices then no amount of rational analysis is probably going to sink in or change her view.  This is about emotional need, not rational needs.  If you at least explore the possibility of the school she wants, show that you are willing to give it a chance, she may find it doesn't provide the things she wanted it to but because you gave it a chance she might feel more respected and understood and may be more on board with homeschooling.  Or you may be pleasantly surprised and realize the school is better than you thought.  

Edited January 27, 2017 by OneStepAtATime

[Lang Syne Boardie]

I also want to add that if you do not have "buy in" from your teen to homeschool high school, it will not be good, either academically or for your relationship. Homeschooling high school is hard, even if you all agree that it is the best thing.

 

:iagree:

 

 

This really cannot be overstated. Even my most difficult teen was here of his own volition every day, and for the majority of the days, that was the #1 thing that made homeschooling even possible. (He's been difficult to homeschool, not difficult to parent.)

 

I would not allow an elementary aged child to make this decision, but I know how hard it is to make a high schooler stay in school, and that includes homeschool, if they adamantly do not want to be there. If I knew going into ninth grade that my child was opposed to homeschooling, I would NOT do it.

 

Beyond philosophical reasons is the reality (in most states) that putting a child into school after ninth grade can be difficult to impossible. Credits might not be recognized, for one thing. Being over-educated through hs'ing, therefore unable to succeed academically due to boredom, is another possibility.

[KathyBC]

The iPhone she got last month set this off for sure, because once she found her former classmates on social media, she has been texting/Instagramming/whatever non-stop.  

I can absolutely believe this.

 

 

ETA:  As for what to do, would the school allow her to audit a class for a week or two?  Actually being there, she may find that the constraints on time and the limited options for social interaction might not be what she wants after all.  Or you might find that the school offers more than it appears to at first glance.  

 

I agree, getting her on board with homeschooling is the ideal in this situation but if she really feels like you are not understanding her feelings and choices then no amount of rational analysis is probably going to sink in or change her view.  This is about emotional need, not rational needs.  If you at least explore the possibility of the school she wants, show that you are willing to give it a chance, she may find it doesn't provide the things she wanted it to but because you gave it a chance she might feel more respected and understood and may be more on board with homeschooling.  Or you may be pleasantly surprised and realize the school is better than you thought.  

:iagree:

[scrapbookbuzz]

YOU are the parent. A household with involved parents is NOT a democracy.

Think back to when you were their ages. Did you even have a CLUE what life was about? 

Thinking the answer to that is no. If the public schools are that bad, and private school is just

to make them happy, then no. Just no. Sure they'll be mad for awhile. But you know what? 

They'll get over it!

[LucyStoner]

They'll get over it!

They might. They might not. I've seen it play out very different ways. It's overly simplistic to assume they will get over it.

[Joyofsixreboot]

PS is the only option here ( no private closer than 30 miles). We let them decide. It has been fine.

[mathnerd]

Its the social media connection to old friends that makes it seem to your daughter that she is out of the loop. My niece goes to public high school and her instagram is full of posed selfies, trendy clothes that make her look like a model, inspirational quotes, affectionate "likes" and friendly comments from other cool kids to her posts and inspirational quotes etc etc. Apparently, they study for tests using WhatsApp and Google hangouts. They seem to be connected 24x7 to each other. Their social currency is apparently how many people hit the "like" button on their selfies. 

 

It is really hard for a social teen to not want to be a part of that lifestyle. I think that you should sign up for open houses and shadowing days at the private schools that you have in mind and take her there and let her shadow for a day or two and she can see for herself that kids are the same in all kinds of schools. That might make her consider the private school option which you would like her to have. Another option would be for you to let her go to the public high school and experience for herself the academics there (you say that the school is not great) and then, when she has had a chance to compare the home education to that one, she can make her own decision to continue or not there.

 

Good luck.

[Corraleno]

YOU are the parent. A household with involved parents is NOT a democracy.

Think back to when you were their ages. Did you even have a CLUE what life was about? 

Thinking the answer to that is no. If the public schools are that bad, and private school is just

to make them happy, then no. Just no. Sure they'll be mad for awhile. But you know what? 

They'll get over it!

 

Actually, yes, at that age I did "have a clue what life was about." The things that were important and meaningful to me then are still important and meaningful to me now. Unfortunately I had a very authoritarian parent who was quite sure she knew what was "best" for me.

 

Sometimes "getting over it" = "getting the hell away from it and never going back." 

[RootAnn]

I don't know if she'd be able to see the rational side of things, but I wonder if you assigned her to write a pro/con list for homeschooling vs. public school how it would turn out.

You write up your own & she writes up hers. You compare (maybe on a big white board with colors to show who had which ones).

 

It is pretty obvious that her wants on this seem to revolve around one thing - seeing those specific friends daily.

 

I understand the social aspect:  my dd#1 wants to see her friends more. Last week, she saw at least some of them on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. Her complaint on Sunday? "I want to see my friends!" (This week was much more limited due to illness & schedules - one acquaintance on Wednesday. Luckily, there is a teen party planned for next week, so she has something to look forward to.)

 

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. It is really tough.

[shinyhappypeople]

:grouphug:   OP, you're making a good, reasonable decision.  Need a jam today?  

.   :grouphug: 

[Terabith]

In Virginia, she would probably have to start over as a ninth grader, not enter as a junior.

[Anne in CA]

No one likes to feel left out. But social media makes people feel left out all the time. We have had women on these very boards who are over fifty and get their feeling hurt feeling left out over social media. The OP's dd has a false idea that if she showed up at school she would have an instant friend group with these old kids. They include her on social media to get her "likes" and have more followers, but that is no guarantee at all that they would really hang out with her if she attended ps. As a matter of fact, if they don't now, that probably won't change just because she is in school no matter how great she is. Social circles get set and people only have so much time in a day. 

 

 

[bettyandbob]

In Virginia, she would probably have to start over as a ninth grader, not enter as a junior.

I'm not sure about this. While my ds started in public school in ninth grade he was permitted to carry in math and foreign language credits from middle school just like kids who attended public or private middle school. He brought in credits from French 1, 2, and 3; Latin 1 and 2; and algebra 1, geometry and algebra 2. No questions were really asked about his higher placement than typical ninth graders or awarding credit. He did graduate with the more credits than most of his classmates.

 

Anyway, the fact that my kids carried in homeschool credits suggests that you may be able to come in to public school in VA higher than ninth grade. The problem will be having enough time to finish state requirements. Some of them are basic, but if you didn't cover them in homeschool then you may have to do those and not advanced academic classes.

[MysteryJen]

Actually, yes, at that age I did "have a clue what life was about." The things that were important and meaningful to me then are still important and meaningful to me now. Unfortunately I had a very authoritarian parent who was quite sure she knew what was "best" for me.

 

Sometimes "getting over it" = "getting the hell away from it and never going back." 

 

This, a million times. This is why it is nearly impossible to drag an unwilling teen through homeschool.

[Anne in CA]

It is a bad idea to drag an unwilling teen through any experience just because you are sure it would be good for them. I have never seen it work out. The situation with the OP, however is that her dd wants to abandon more than home school studies, but an important hobby and an important sports activity for "friends" she doesn't really have yet, and most likely never will. And yet, the OP may very well have to give in on this because fighting someone who is so set on what they want and is not rational is nearly impossible. The girl believes she will have a certain life if she attends ps. I find that unlikely, heck, I even find it unlikely that those kids wouldn't switch places with the OP's dd fi they could, but the dd is not capable of hearing this. 

 

This is why I stink at parenting teens. They make their own decisions without enough life experience or rational thought process, and parents clean up the mess and muddle along. Authoritarian parents don't have a better outcome, their children resent them. I do know someone now, the husband of one of my employees who is 47 and STILL angry at his mother for making him attend private school because he wanted to play high school sports and could not in the small private school he attended. Never mind that he has an EXCELLENT job mostly due to the good education she made him get. So... I don't see that anyone wins when a teen takes an unrealistic idea into their mind and a parent either gives in, or stands their ground. 

[JoJosMom]

In Virginia, she would probably have to start over as a ninth grader, not enter as a junior.

 

This is something to look into.  In our district, going into public high school was only an option at the beginning of 9th grade.  After that it would be a nightmare, because they only award credits from certified programs.  (DD shadowed one day last spring.  She was horrified.  So, for us, public school was very much off the table at that point.)

 

If it were me, the phone would be gone yesterday.  And if the answer if "no," then the answer would be "no."  (There are things that are up for discussion and debate, certainly, but if this is not one of those subjects, I would not engage.)

Edited January 27, 2017 by JoJosMom

[readinmom]

Speaking from a ps teacher standpoint, the time she will actually spend with said friends is not as much as she might think.  Before school, passing periods, lunch (if they have the same lunch), and after school/extracurriculars.  

 

I don't envy your decision, but all of you need to make a list of pros and cons, sit down and have an open and honest discussion.  You had ideas for your dc when you started homeschooling.  Is there a compromise line both of you are willing to draw?  What academic opportunities does she want right now that aren't being fulfilled?  Can the public school really fulfill everything she wants?  

 

You might want to give her a few career surveys/life goal planning sheets so she can understand the magnitude of this decision.  

 

As far as the quality of the school, it is what you make it.  

 

 

[eternalsummer]

If she will have classes with these kids, she will see them every day.  If she does not have classes with them, she will almost never see them.  If it is a large school, the only way to be sure they will share classes is if they are all taking the top level of a particular course.

[katilac]

 Maybe you could stipulate, "You can go to PS, but I will yank you out if you don't participate in the Christian club"  

 

This gave me an immediate flashback to Desperate Housewives and John and Danielle being in the chastity club, lol. 

[foxbridgeacademy]

I let DD go.  It took her less than 3 weeks to realize that PS sucked and you don't really get to talk to/hang out with friends anyway.  She's actually done this 3 times and each time is shorter and shorter.  This last time was 3 days.

[Storygirl]

Last year DD14 started talking about wanting to go to school for high school. For numerous reasons, we preferred a certain private school over the public school, but she was not convinced. We visited the public school for a tour, and she spent a morning at the private school doing admissions testing and shadowing a class or two. When she came out of the private school, she said, "Well, that was not what I expected." I asked what she meant. "I liked it," she said. She is enrolled there now and loves it.

 

Her main reason for going to school was social. Seeing her interactions this year, I realize how much she was missing spending time with her peers (even though she had daily extracurricular activities as a homeschooler). Every child is an individual, of course, but in her case, she actually seems to be absorbing more academically through being in classes with her peers than she did when she only had an adult (me) to talk about schoolwork with. At home, she tended to withdraw and just let me talk to her about things; she didn't add much or offer much in our discussions. In school, she is immersed in an atmosphere where her peers are sharing ideas. It's a more dynamic experience for her, which I could not create for her at home.

 

So my advice would be to take your kids to visit the schools in question. They may end up having their opinions shift. Also, think about the broader social impact of being in school, beyond whether they will bond again with old friends. Finally, we would not hand over all decision-making to DD about the school issue -- even if she had not preferred the private school, we likely still would have sent her there, confident that it was a better setting for her personally and that she would be happy there.

 

I would be very hesitant to homeschool a reluctant teen, although I am jaded, because I had great difficulty homeschooling reluctant younger children.

[DawnM]

This gave me an immediate flashback to Desperate Housewives and John and Danielle being in the chastity club, lol. 

 

HA, didn't see much of that show.  I watched bits and pieces, mostly because I knew one of the minor characters IRL and wanted to see her.

[nevergiveup]

I am one who does not think that a public school education will ruin a child.

Send them.  They will certainly learn things that you would not have taught them--the good, the bad, and the ugly.

There is always time to learn.  If they do not get what you/they need from the public schools, there is always college or the school of life.