Have you had to give up on a significant dream of your own?

[Tap]

I am thinking a lot about dd18 and her health struggles today. I also tore apart my raised bed garden  so dh would have  place for his  fathers boat (details not important for this post). It got me thinking about the dreams I have given up on or had to indefinitely postpone.   Mostly to accommodate other people, like my husband or unexpectedly having children at 22yo.  Mostly, I try to rationalize that I am in no different place in life, than if I had achieved my dreams.....but then my mind wanders to the dangerous 'what ifs' territory. It is not a good place for me, so I try to swing it back to the positive.

 

So, I thought I would ask.....what have you given up, and are you generally ok with it or do you still want to try?

[Tap]

For me...my education.  I thought that I would have no less than a Masters.  I really thought that I would have a career. 

 

I am happy that I prioritized my children. Ds was unplanned at 22yo. I married dh due to the pregnancy. Dh has ADD and struggled in school, so education wasn't in his goals.  I always rationalized that since I had kids young, I would be done young and could return to school once they started school.  Homeschooling and dd10 changed that plan. I wouldn't change it, but it doesn't change the fact that it nags at me.   Especially, when I have so many friends who waited until after school to have children.  Like I said, my mind wanders to the what ifs.....but I try to not linger there.

 

I really want to live a more natural lifestyle and have a bit of land.  Instead, I try to make due with growing my veggies in raised beds in a city lot, and appreciate that my kids adored having so many friends who lived in the houses around us. But again...as they get older...I miss my dreams of an in ground garden (not a few raised beds) and room for the kids to play on the land, instead of the street.

 

ETA: liking of posts is in support of my fellow boardies, not lost dreams

Edited January 2, 2017 by Tap

[heartlikealion]

Some days I am bitter about things. This year I was going to take a class to become a certified car seat tech. I couldn't because we only have one car and even if dh had taken off days of work to watch the toddler, someone would have to drive ds to school. The class was not near his school and lasted all day. I feel like dh wouldn't have taken the days off, anyway because certain times of year it's much harder for him to leave work than others. I guess it's no one's fault, but just circumstances. Next year will be my third year of wanting to take the class and I don't know where it will be offered. I really hope we can make it work (ds will be homeschooled so won't need a ride to school).

 

I just started a PT job. I can only work the hours dh is home to watch our toddler. They know that and work around my schedule. But it just hit me that since dh works different hours in the summer and also leaves town one week for a conference, I will have to ask my employer about adjusting my hours/taking time off. Everything I do is so dependent on dh and his work. And the darn car. When he wants to visit family with the kids and I want to stay here or meet up with them later, I can't. I would be sitting at the house without a car (hours away from them) or I get stuck on longer vacations than I'd like. We have been trying to compromise on this, but it's hard.

[The Girls' Mom]

Several, actually.

 

When I was a teen I wanted to live in a big city and be an architect.  I gave that up to marry dh.

 

We talked for years about having a farm, but when we finally got the property to do so, dh's health went in the toilet.

 

I wanted to get an art degree when I went back to school last year, but financially it made a lot more sense for me to get an accounting degree...so I can support us if dh can no longer work in a few years.

 

I really, really wanted to stay in TX, but again, dh's health made living near family more of a priority.

I can't say I'm happy about giving any of it up, but life could be a lot worse.  

[Janeway]

Most of us have tons of dreams when we were little. And society tries to tell us we can have it all. But dreams are generally not practical to fit together. And dreams change with time.

 

I have lots of dreams I have had to give up. But, I know that I could not have had all my dreams because they were not compatible with each other and life doesn't occur in Stepford.

 

I wanted to be a doctor. And have a big family, mostly girls. Instead, I am a SAHM and have a little bit bigger than average sized family, only one girl. And the kids aren't what I expected either. They don't eat the vegetables just because I served them. They also have special needs. Lol

 

Also, I have super crappy parents. I always thought that someday, I would marry a man with this wonderful family and my children with have grandparents and aunts and uncles and everything. Instead, I managed to marry someone with worse parents than my own.

Edited January 2, 2017 by Janeway

[Miss Peregrine]

Yes. I would love to still be fostering children. I've had to give that up along with a son who was to be adopted because of dh. Long story, but even if ex wasn't in the picture I wouldn't be able to do if myself. My heart aches and I want to scream sometimes. It makes me really angry.

 

 

ETA: I just saw that I typed "ex" instead of dh. Freudian slip? lol

Edited January 2, 2017 by Miss Peregrine

[heartlikealion]

Yes. I would love to still be fostering children. I've had to give that up along with a son who was to be adopted because of dh. Long story, but even if ex wasn't in the picture I wouldn't be able to do if myself. My heart aches and I want to scream sometimes. It makes me really angry.

 

:grouphug:

 

[Ailaena]

At the very last minute, my life went from moving to Texas to attend an md/PhD program - something I had been planning on doing for literally as long as I can remember - to becoming a homeschooling mom and I am honestly not the least bit upset about making that choice because of the relationship I had, and continue to have, with dd21.

 

Now the piddly things are the things that get to me. Like, I'll never own a home, I'll never have retirement, I'll never travel abroad like I wanted to (which I why I send dd off every chance she has), probably never any grad school, no decent dental care, no fostering kids, and I wasn't able to find a job in the solid two years I tried and I'm just getting older... :p

 

And I think about it sometimes, and I would make the same choice again and again. Overall, I am very lucky to be where I am right now, even if it sometimes feels like I am nowhere.

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

 

Yes, without details, pretty much all my significant dreams didn't happen.

 

Most of the time I am alright with that.

 

But some days, not so much.

[gardenmom5]

I think it's still ok to try.

i had learning disabilities, and my mother hurt more than helped.  education greatly suffered.  (which surprises many who know me.  they assume I have a degree.)   not having a degree constantly weighs upon me.  I'd wanted to be a nurse.  dh is very supportive of me getting an education - but things have not been practical.   I thought I'd go back to school when my kids were older . . . then we started over with an aspie who requires tons of MY energy.  and my health isnt' the greatest (though finally getting it under control.  maybe.  I hope.)   It's still something I want to do - I even go on khan academy to work on math (and other stuff), mango for language, etc. . . . but it's always there.  it grates.  (dh is from a family where a basic education is a bachelors degree.  including the women.)

[Spryte]

I tend to think of it as changing and growing, and I don't really have regrets at this point but there are some changes that still sting.

 

My prof, mentor and best friend at the time died after an 8 month illness. I was her primary caregiver. She and I had specific plans re: what came next in our lives, and it involved a different path for me re: grad school. Ultimately her son came to live with me, but it definitely prompted a change in direction for my education, and I went back to my comfort zone, anthropology.

 

My health went way south due to 15 -yes, 15! - undiagnosed serious infections. That ended my field work and sent me to a second career. Art.

 

DS's allergies made my second career very difficult - it's ideal for homeschooling families, but allergen exposure was too high.

 

I don't have regrets exactly but there's definitely an ache occasionally.

[Desert Strawberry]

i have been fortunate to have most of what I dreamed of. Some things I tried, but didn't work out. Some things, I chose a different path (staying home instead of pursuing my career). 

Eh. No one gets everything in life. 

[Guest]

I am just glad to be alive. I have now outlived my parents, thanks to an excellent surgeon. Tech has advanced to the point that my genetic variance has been identified, there is a pill for it that I can afford, and I feel better than any time in my entire life. I have about ten years before I can expect the next serious health issue. None of my dreams were possible because of health and the economy, but I can still amuse myself.

[Crimson Wife]

I always wanted to have 4 kids. After we found out last year that our third child's hearing loss was genetic and any future bio children had a 1 in 4 risk of the same thing happening, I knew that it would be irresponsible to try for any more bio kids. Now we haven't done anything permanent to rule that out but I'm turning 40 this month so I don't think it's likely we'll have any surprises.

 

It's been hard on me emotionally, but we are open to the possibility of adding to our family via adoption down the road. We'll just have to see what God calls us to do.

[nrg]

I gave up medical school for teaching because my father was on the verge of alcoholic collapse and my mother was severely handicapped and I had 2 younger brothers. I got a job right away and held the family together.

 

I gave up the masters degree with only the thesis left a few years later when my husband graduated from grad school and opened a practice far from the university.

 

I gave up teaching when I had my first child because he had special needs, as did the second. So, we homeschooled for over 20 years. When the 3 were grown enough for me to return to work, I did for a while, until it became clear that our second son would never be employable despite being profoundly gifted, due to autism and mental illness. So, I retired early and opened a business (vision therapy, my husband is an optometrist) in which our son could learn to be successful.

 

This sounds like a lot when I see it here. However, I got the masters degree at age 49. My sons, despite their special needs are now fully functioning adults with happy lives. My middle son has changed to be unrecognizable from his impaired self of 5 years ago. Therapy and a job in which you provide real help to people who then appreciate you is life-altering. 

 

I gave up an active, busy life for health issues.

 

Sometimes I miss the old, over-achieving me. But, I would not exchange the deep, abiding relationships I have with my sons, the depth of learning and understanding for the plights of others I have earned, or the joy each day brings as I am able to really help others.

 

My advice? Keep doing your best. Seek guidance from your source. Take joy.

[Rosie_0801]

Pretty much all of them, and I'm fighting as hard as I can to keep the last one.

 

I don't mind the ones where I made the choice. I'd choose homeschooling over international travel if I had my time again.

 

I really do mind the choices that were taken from me due to sabotage, to use a bit of British understatement.

[Jaybee]

Like many pp, I've had dreams I've given up. But most of the time it was because of other dreams I followed, or values I tried to live up to. It wasn't/isn't possible to fulfill the dreams that conflict with the dreams I'm fulfilling. So sometimes I feel a little sad about the ones I've had to lay aside. But I'm also thankful for the ones that I've been able to live. Some grief over the losses is typical as you get older, I think. Some of the dreams can be followed later in life, some change and develop into new ones, and some--well, maturity, growth, and acceptance come into play. 

[Desert Strawberry]

i have been fortunate to have most of what I dreamed of. Some things I tried, but didn't work out. Some things, I chose a different path (staying home instead of pursuing my career). 

 

Eh. No one gets everything in life. 

Quoting myself to clarify, life has not been easy.  While I have done nearly everything I wanted-or tried and failed-there have been many, many failures. A great many struggles. 

 

In our imagination, everything works out beautifully. We dream of living overseas, experiencing the culture, having grand adventures. We don't dream of working long hours, grueling, draining work, social isolation and frustration due to language and cultural barriers, subpar housing and not knowing how to deal with discomforts because of unfamiliarity with possible solutions, and financial strain caused by relocating and a different type of economy. We dream of raising heirloom veggies in our organic gardens while our children run in wide open fields. We do not dream of going to bed at night with aching shoulders, bugs infesting every crop of peaches, rendering them inedible, tomato worms, caterpillars that eat the grapes and sting our children, leaving them with scars. We imagine shelves beautifully lined with home canned fruits and veggies, the children happily spreading homebaked bread with mom's lovingly prepared preserves. We don't imagine hours of prep in a steaming hot kitchen with the walls so damp moisture drips down the wallpaper, making it peel off the walls, working frantically, late into the night to get everything chopped and sealed and preserved before it rots. We don't think about the kids joyfully crumbling the bread and smearing the preserves on every surface of the house, that you don't have time to scrub, or worrying about the sugar content of those preserves (two cups per pint, and it can't be avoided because the sugar is the preservative).

 

I didn't get to go to yoga instructor training retreats because I had a baby I couldn't (or wouldn't) leave for a week at a time. I didn't get to go to grad school because we ran out of tuition money, and had a surprise second baby. I didn't work in my career because I didn't want to send my children to low-quality childcare and couldn't afford good daycare for both kids. We didn't buy a ranch because we didn't want to live in a shack or a camper in 120 degree heat with no reliable water source. 

 

Realistically, life would have sucked a little more if we'd made those choices. Or maybe not. I don't know. But we made these choices for a reason, and I stand by them. No regrets. 

[LucyStoner]

I always wanted to go to college in NYC. I got in to a top school and got a big scholarship and was all set to go. At the last minute I decided not to go. Partially I stayed local out of economic worry. Partially out of family considerations. Partially because I didn't know the ropes as a first gen college student.

 

I don't regret my decision but it's probably the only time I can say I gave up a dream because of limited choices vs. entirely my own free will. Good things came from that decision: taking care of my younger brother during a difficult transition period for him, marrying my husband, getting out of college without any student loans.

 

Later on I decided not to go to law school but that was a choice I made freely and don't feel I was boxed into at all.

[Ausmumof3]

I found this quote in The Well Educated Mind "it is harder for women, perhaps, to be 'one-pointed', much harder for them to clear space around whatever it is they want to do beyond household chores and family life. Their lives are fragmented" - May Sarton.

 

It sums things up a bit for me. Though dh is not doing his dream job either to be honest.

[Liz CA]

I almost did not post...because I thought I would never fulfill a dream but I am on my way now.

I don't know how old you are but age does not limit college attendance. I did some of my college work when I was young, interrupted my path because of naysayers and chose a different path that I completed but was never very passionate about. Then, one day (empty nest) I decided to go back and do what I wanted to do in the first place and this is where I am now.

So mine is not a sacrifice but a dream postponed - often thought of as silly and "too late to do now" until I finally decided to do it.

Life does not always follow a straight linear path, there are lots of curves and detours. I hope you don't feel that all your dreams have come to nothing. I hope there is still some hope that you can do something that brings you joy and a sense of accomplishment and fulfillment.

Some dreams may never come to fruition but determining which dream can still be realized versus what you are ready to let go for good may be helpful.

[Rosie_0801]

I don't know how old you are but age does not limit college attendance.

 

That is true!

 

A lady used to come through my register when I worked in a greengrocer before kids. She'd been my grandfather's primary school teacher, and she was studying Ancient Greek at uni. I used to ask her about it and she'd moan and roll her eyes about exams as much as an 18 yo. :D

 

People a good 20 years younger used to wait until she'd left and gripe at me about why she bothered at *her* age. "Well, because she's not dead yet," I'd say. And, because I was at work, I *didn't* say "and because she's not a boring old biddy like you!"

[Liz CA]

That is true!

 

A lady used to come through my register when I worked in a greengrocer before kids. She'd been my grandfather's primary school teacher, and she was studying Ancient Greek at uni. I used to ask her about it and she'd moan and roll her eyes about exams as much as an 18 yo. :D

 

People a good 20 years younger used to wait until she'd left and gripe at me about why she bothered at *her* age. "Well, because she's not dead yet," I'd say. And, because I was at work, I *didn't* say "and because she's not a boring old biddy like you!"

 

Can't like it because you don't have a button but this is my mantra exactly. "I am not dead yet."  :laugh:

 

[ErinE]

I really do mind the choices that were taken from me due to sabotage, to use a bit of British understatement.

:grouphug: :grouphug:

[J-rap]

No, I haven't.  I've been able to reach my dreams over the years, although I will say that I didn't have a lot of huge goals in life that were extraordinary.  I was more of a live in the moment type of person.

 

In recent years though, I've probably gathered more dreams than I've ever had before, and I still plan to reach some of them.

[kewb]

Some days I am angry as all get out at the choices that were stolen from me and my family.

Most days I am pragmatic about the whole thing.

[kroe1]

I was fortunate not to give any dreams up, but I did postpone quite a few. Interestingly, many of the dreams I had did not manifest until I found myself in difficult situations. For example, I was not really college bound until after my son was born. I found myself living in near poverty. The conditions gave me the motivation to dream big.

[Night Elf]

I gave up on the idea of earning my college degree. I've been to school 3 times in the last 30 years. The last time was 2008. I lasted one semester and loved every moment of it, but it consumed a great deal of my time because in addition to classes on campus, I had working requirements off campus. I was a Montessori Early Childhood Education major. Unfortunately all 3 of my children were falling apart in their homeschooling without me being here. DH was working from home but was unable to spend lots of time with them like I did. So I quit school, thinking I could go back in a couple of years. That didn't work out. I now know I'll never go back. Just listening to dd's experiences in school makes me realize I couldn't keep up anymore. It's a shame really. I only have 2 or 3 semesters left. I couldn't go back anytime soon even if I wanted to because we're paying so much for dd to be in school. We can't afford to pay my way too. I don't qualify for any kind of scholarship and have to pay full price out of pocket. It's just too expensive.

[madteaparty]

Just one tiny little thing which is irreversable but the rest I'm constantly tinkering and messing with.

Edited January 2, 2017 by madteaparty

[DawnM]

Yes, and they are big to me.

 

I gave up 11 years of a job I loved so that i could stay home with my special needs son and homeschool.  I would never have HSed if he hadn't needed me to. 

 

I moved from a place I loved 11 years ago, all the way across the country, and have lived in a place for 11 years that I don't love.  I still sometimes break out in tears over it.

 

I had planned to go back to school and finish the second tier of my program (I finished the school counseling program and the 2nd tier was school psych) but that can't happen now because it doesn't work that way here.  I would have to start an entirely new program, 2 years of full time schooling with an additional half year practicum where I would work for free for a job that is hard to get in this area.   So, I have given that up too.

 

I am going to stop now and not wallow in self-pity, I can go there way too easily.

[MedicMom]

Yes. It feels like all of them. And today it's really bothering me.

[Ottakee]

I didn't really give up anything but now with a mid life crisis wish I would have done things differently.

 

I went to college and got a degree in Special education and psychology. Got married my last semester of college and taught for 2 years....Adult special Ed. Then we adopted a 7 1/2 year old boy, 8 months later a 7 month old girl and 7 months after that a 2 day old (all were through foster care).

 

The past 20 years I have been a stay at home mom, foster parent to over 100 kids, homeschool mom, etc. I don't regret any of that.

 

Now though that the older 3 are young adults...All living at home as they all have cognitive impairments...I went back to work. We have 13 and 9 fosters right now, likely very long term. I am substitute teaching in special ed for the most severely impaired students in our county and I really enjoy it. I can leave after the boys go to school and am home before they are. The flexibility is great but the pay is very low.

 

What I wish I had done is take Spanish is highschool and college as we are in an area where that is in high demand. I also love the medical field. Not sure I want to be a nurse or NP per say but I love being surrounded by such people and in medical settings.

 

I would love a job as a medical social worker type person, esp for those struggling with special needs (either the parents or the child). The person that goes with them to medical appointments, helps them understand what the doctors are saying for their day to day care, advocate with them for services, etc. That though would mean a lot less flexible schedule and likely needing a medical degree or social work degree of some sort.

 

Instead my plan is to become independently wealthy (don't have a plan for how to do that though) and then just offer my services for free.

[littlebug42]

I am in a completely different place than I dreamed I would be when I was 18, but I think I am in a better place.  I have things I would love to do at this point in my life, but my commitment to my family, including my full time job, take priority right now.  My time left with my children is so short, I am content with postponing those things.  Its just a few more years.  

 

I also now have more dreams of what dh and I might be able to do together when our children are gone.  Vastly different dreams of those of my youth, but sound so awesome to me now. 

[TranquilMind]

Nothing that I can't still do, like write and travel.  I did finish my education before marriage/kids. 

 

I guess maybe if you count youthful dreams, like the time I was definitely going to be a model (ha ha) or (later) a singer in a rock band, I didn't do those to the extent I wanted, and those aren't really still open to me (unless they want some "grandma-like"  middle aged models - here I am :)) . 

 

I got to model locally, and sing locally, so I guess that will have to do.  

I didn't get married until nearly 30 and I have no regrets.  That's the huge advantage. 

 

Of course the equivalent disadvantage is that I will be as old as Methusalah before I get those grandkids and I probably won't be hiking or playing football with them.  :laugh:

 

 

[TranquilMind]

I gave up on the idea of earning my college degree. I've been to school 3 times in the last 30 years. The last time was 2008. I lasted one semester and loved every moment of it, but it consumed a great deal of my time because in addition to classes on campus, I had working requirements off campus. I was a Montessori Early Childhood Education major. Unfortunately all 3 of my children were falling apart in their homeschooling without me being here. DH was working from home but was unable to spend lots of time with them like I did. So I quit school, thinking I could go back in a couple of years. That didn't work out. I now know I'll never go back. Just listening to dd's experiences in school makes me realize I couldn't keep up anymore. It's a shame really. I only have 2 or 3 semesters left. I couldn't go back anytime soon even if I wanted to because we're paying so much for dd to be in school. We can't afford to pay my way too. I don't qualify for any kind of scholarship and have to pay full price out of pocket. It's just too expensive.

 

Well, maybe you can do one or two classes at a time after your kids are done? 

 

Like my mom always said, "You are going to be  50 (60, 70, 30 - when younger - whatever) anyway; you might as well be that age with the degree you want."

 

[Jaybee]

Yes. It feels like all of them. And today it's really bothering me.

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[Granny_Weatherwax]

Yes, and I have a long list of regrets. My dreams and goals have been waylayed for multiple reasons, some of my own doing, others not so much. I find that the ones in which I actively chose not to do or changed in some way, well, those are easier to tolerate. The ones which others played a major role in derailing, those are heavy with regret.  It seems as if I compromise for others but no one ever compromises for me.

 

For example, when I was in undergrad I had an opportunity to conduct a summer research internship in Australia. It was a rare opportunity and I was thrilled to have been selected. Someone in my life made it all about them and guilted me into declining. I believed the promise of 'you can do the next one'. Except that didn't happen either. 

 

I don't equate voluntarily choosing a new path as circumstances change as the same as compromising due to negative outside influences.

 

Edited: to answer your final questions: No, I am not okay. I would have loved to have had an adult, any adult, step up when I was younger and say "What are your dreams and goals? Let's go after them together. Here's how we'll do this..."

Edited January 2, 2017 by Scoutermom

[Guest]

I had my big dream in the palm of my hand. I'd just--JUST-- broken ground on it, and something truly out of my control, the economy, intervened and poof! The dream was gone, and I was thrust into an impermanent life that renders my stable dream impossible.

 

There's nothing to regret, for I didn't do anything wrong. I'm not bitter, because my family is lovely.

 

But I GRIEVE for it. It hurts my heart that I can't do this thing. No not-dead-yet for mine...The time has come, and gone. I like to imagine that in a multiverse, where an infinitude of possibilities exists, there is another multiverse-me raising her multiverse kids in that particular multiverse-way, and the reason I feel so attached to it is that it's happening somewhere, some time.

Edited January 2, 2017 by OKBud

[Granny_Weatherwax]

<snip>

 

But I GRIEVE for it. It hurts my heart that I can't do this thing. No not-dead-yet for mine...The time has come, and gone. I like to imagine that in a multiverse, where an infinitude of possibilities exists, there is another multiverse-me raising her multiverse kids in that particular multiverse-way, and the reason I feel so attached to it is that it's happening somewhere, some time.

I hear you! The grief is real.

 

I'm relieved to read that someone else thinks about the multiverse and the possibilities that may exist therein. :D

[GinaPagnato]

I was being heavily recruited by an organization for a career in a field that I was perfect for and for which my degree had completely prepared me. I gave up the opportunity to follow DH to grad school (for him), work full time for a different company (which was fine, but definitely not my dream job), and support us both while he was in school. Then babies came along and that career door started to close. Then homeschooling came along and it completely closed!

 

I sometimes wonder What If? But honestly, I wouldn't trade hsing for any career. It has been the *making* of our family in so many ways. My kids are better off and better equipped because of it, and I treasure our relationships. It's sometimes very hard to plug away at it day after day, but I imagine that would be true in any career. It's always easier to imagine that the dream would be so much better than the reality. But all that glitters is not gold, and anything can tarnish. I'd do it the same way if I had it to do over again, with the exception that I would have had kids a little later so I could have garnered more professional work experience. However, I'm not sure that an additional 5 years in the workforce would make up for 15+ years of being out of it because of hsing.

[FaithManor]

I gave up a teaching career and promising/developing piano performance career on the recommendation of ds's cardiologist that he be homeschooled a spell for health reasons. Then we fostered our mentally ill niece. By the time she left, dd was in high school and homeschool credits do not count in our local PS and private schools so I needed to continue until she graduated. By that time, the opportunity to reclaim the performance careet had passed, and teaching license getting harder and harder to keep. I ended up choosing to continue homeschooling the other three and over time the license lapsed due to a health issue preventing me from gettinga ccu credit done in time.

 

Sometimes I am wistful about it, but mostly okay. That said it hurt financially in terms of saving for college, and in the future as we pay for college as I won't be able to return to the workforce at a decent salary level.

[wintermom]

I am thinking a lot about dd18 and her health struggles today. I also tore apart my raised bed garden  so dh would have  place for his  fathers boat (details not important for this post). It got me thinking about the dreams I have given up on or had to indefinitely postpone.   Mostly to accommodate other people, like my husband or unexpectedly having children at 22yo.  Mostly, I try to rationalize that I am in no different place in life, than if I had achieved my dreams.....but then my mind wanders to the dangerous 'what ifs' territory. It is not a good place for me, so I try to swing it back to the positive.

 

So, I thought I would ask.....what have you given up, and are you generally ok with it or do you still want to try?

 

Yes, it is really easy to dwell on 'what ifs,' but why not just focus on all the great things you have done, and what you still can and want to do.  

 

If you want to achieve a bachelor and/or graduate degree, you still can. If you want to rent a giant garden on someone's farm, I'm sure you could in a flash. You certainly don't need to own the land to have a garden. In fact, it would reduce your work load and driving requirements a whole lot if you weren't out in the country. And when you're done fighting off bugs and critters for your veggies, you can stop gardening. ;)

[wintermom]

As much as achieving "dreams" can be amazing and gratifying, I think there is also the negative side of most "dreams" than we may not know about until we're actually there. The benefit of having achieved a dream/goal, though, is that we have that confidence that it can be done, all the things we learned along that path, and we can go on to reach for another dream. Even if achieving one dream didn't make life "perfect" somehow, we can go on setting new goals and trying new things.

 

I was able to reach my dream of working in Norway at a wonderful job in the exact field I'd trained for. It was amazing, but after 3 years I could barely get out of bed because of anxiety. I knew I had to get out of there and do something else. I went back and got a Masters degree, and eventually landed another "dream job" in the field. It was also wonderful, but definitely had it's downsides. 

 

 

I can't remember who was mentioning this, but apparently even "dream jobs" consist of doing what you love for about 10% of the time, and what isn't so great 90% of the time. I really believe this, and I think people may be expecting more out of dreams. ;)

 

[Mergath]

I had to leave college during my last semester because I was pregnant with dd and so sick and tired I just couldn't do it, and so that meant no grad school, either.  It was hard to walk away from my plans, but at the time I thought I was going to have to work to help support us, and I knew I couldn't raise a young child AND have a job AND go to grad school. I'm sure some people can do it all and do a good job, but I can't multitask like that. Plus with my epilepsy, being around all those fluorescent lights and dealing with the seizures wasn't an option when I was pregnant.

 

I'm kind of in the same place now, funnily enough. I was thinking of going back to school in a few years, when dd will be a teen and won't need me home with her 24/7, to get some kind of tech degree. Maybe program robots or something cool like that. But now that I'm pregnant, that will probably have to get pushed back several more years. It does make the decision easier with it being my choice and not something I'm forced into because of financial constraints. I could put this second child (Dear Embryo? Lol) into daycare and go to college in five or six years, but homeschooling and being home with him or her is more important to me right now.

 

It's always hard to look back and wonder what could have been, though. I tell myself the Taoist story of the farmer when I'm feeling wistful, and that helps.

Edited January 2, 2017 by Mergath

[Tess in the Burbs]

Yep. I wouldn't want to give up what has come along in life to achieve past dreams though. I love some of the words others used...sabotage...fragmented.

 

I'm tired of doing Nothing with my life outside of wife and mom. I'm learning German. I'm learning Tai Chi. And going back to school actually sounds good to me today.

 

I'm determined this year to do what I want (hike/camp), even if alone. I've sat around too long being available to everyone else. This is my year to reclaim myself!

[NoseInABook]

I do wish I had gotten a college degree. The practical side of me wonders why though because I have always wanted to stay home with my children and intend to do so until the last child is launched from the nest. Then I'll go back to school. But sometimes it sneaks up on me and bothers me that I don't already have a degree even though it would be sitting on a shelf gathering dust.

[Mergath]

I do wish I had gotten a college degree. The practical side of me wonders why though because I have always wanted to stay home with my children and intend to do so until the last child is launched from the nest. Then I'll go back to school. But sometimes it sneaks up on me and bothers me that I don't already have a degree even though it would be sitting on a shelf gathering dust.

 

My mom occasionally laments that I never finished my degree when I was so close to having enough credits. I'm like, "Yes! Just think how glamorous and wonderful my life could be if I only had that English degree!" Lol.

 

[purplejackmama]

My mom occasionally laments that I never finished my degree when I was so close to having enough credits. I'm like, "Yes! Just think how glamorous and wonderful my life could be if I only had that English degree!" Lol.

 

Right! I think sometimes about hanging up my degree in the laundry room since that where I do the majority of my "work." :)

[gaillardia]

I had to leave college during my last semester because I was pregnant with dd and so sick and tired I just couldn't do it, and so that meant no grad school, either.  It was hard to walk away from my plans, but at the time I thought I was going to have to work to help support us, and I knew I couldn't raise a young child AND have a job AND go to grad school. I'm sure some people can do it all and do a good job, but I can't multitask like that. Plus with my epilepsy, being around all those fluorescent lights and dealing with the seizures wasn't an option when I was pregnant.

 

I'm kind of in the same place now, funnily enough. I was thinking of going back to school in a few years, when dd will be a teen and won't need me home with her 24/7, to get some kind of tech degree. Maybe program robots or something cool like that. But now that I'm pregnant, that will probably have to get pushed back several more years. It does make the decision easier with it being my choice and not something I'm forced into because of financial constraints. I could put this second child (Dear Embryo? Lol) into daycare and go to college in five or six years, but homeschooling and being home with him or her is more important to me right now.

 

It's always hard to look back and wonder what could have been, though. I tell myself the Taoist story of the farmer when I'm feeling wistful, and that helps.

Congratulations, Mergath!

[Selkie]

No, I haven't had to give up any dreams. I am very fortunate to be living the life that I wanted.

 

My dreams were simple ones, though.

 

a great husband & kids

a stable, happy family life

a cozy house

staying home with my kids

helping animals

riding horses

 

That's it, and I've got all of them.