Last year my son and his wife hosted Christmas in their new home. We woke up to find frozen macaroni and cheese and pot pies in our stockings. They explained these were "stocking Stouffers."

Go..o..o...o...ly

This is probably not how we should approach the race question in all its pain and history and ugliness and complexity. It is, however, how we should approach one another in passing in the store. We are, in this situation, all people and all deserve to be treated with respect, grace, and courtesy. Someone's appearance, ethnicity, race, gender, etc. does not alter who WE are and how we treat them. A little boy standing in the aisle is not in the way because of his race, and that was the implication in the OP's story, based on the comment of the other person. As we move through our busy days, with our superficial relationships with strangers, this is how we address the race question. We don't. For these times, we are humans together. Rubbing along. Holding each other up. This is no answer to the bigger issue, but it is a way of being together on the surface.

You ask me this every year! So, I made you this reminder card you can look at ...

I think this is a bit bigger decision than is being presented. My children are all grown. At some point, we found that all trips/vacations were not created equal, but in the long run it would all equal out. Now is a great time for you to begin to create events to which are interest/need/age specific. Time to tell the bigs that this is a college tour trip and not for them. If there is push back, remind them of things they did before the littles were born or could remember. Let them know that now that they are adults, not everything their parents do is for them or includes them. If they took themselves on a trip, they would not include you. If they were employed full time or in school, they would not be available. Plan something to include everyone, even if it is just a quick campout or even a barbecue as a gesture of family unity. A few years ago my husband and I went on our first grown up alone vacation. My people were not quite sure what to make of it. Now we have no problem; we just decide who to invite/or not. Last year we all went to Kauai together, sons, wives , girlfriend, etc. It was fun, but all agreed that smaller groups would be easier to manage and provide more personal time on a big trip. It was an experiment after several years of mixing up the groups. Best wishes to you as your family grows up. SOmetimes the transitions are rocky, but you will get there...

Batter or crumb coated fried anything ribs pork chops gloppy mixtures (deceptively called "salads"} mayonnaise anything with lots of melted cheese on it (I love good cheeses, just not things covered in melted cheese) Answering this makes my stomach churn.

At this age my favorite autist began to do very well with cognitive/behavioral therapy. He has learned work around strategies for his most destructive rigidities and has created lists he can follow when faced with questions, new situations, illness, etc. His puberty-to-adulthood hormonal changes made life a bit harder and therapy made all the difference. Because maturity in general, and especially emotional maturity, is far below his years, we offered the same scaffolds one would offer a child of the same age while (desperately) trying to respect his own sense of adulthood. That is not to say we excused his adult requirements, but we did delay some of them and we did provide supports. He used the disability services at his university and he currently works for us--very successfully. We found a therapist who specializes in young adults with autism and includes group work. Working in autistic thinking has come before career counseling for my son because he would not have been able to accurately process the information without first working on other things. This therapist accepted input from us, and, with our son's permission, helped us learn to work with him. So, after all that, I support therapy and offering lots of supports until they are not longer needed. Much love and good wishes to you.

Our marriage has some specific differences that come with different ways of having autism, but this is pretty much my life. You learn as you go what is really happening (i.e. it is not narcissism for example), but the gradual beating down comes sneaking up until you do not recognize yourself. I am working on this. My husband is a very good man --He has autism.

... This one is another I like, same subject. oooh! The irises. The irises are at the Getty in Santa Monica, California. Whenever we have to drive to the far south of California, we stop at the Getty Museum and just relax and take in the artwork and gardens. Sitting awhile before such evocative beauty takes the hard edge off of California freeway travel (Google CA 405 freeway for perspective). Sigh. Highly recommended. Van Gogh never knew...

I am wondering if he is participating in the services of the special ed/disabilities/special services department of the college. He would be eligible with his diagnosis and in my children's experience, much is offered in the way of support and strategies for taking a class. My favorite autist responds well to strategic lists for facing difficulties--homework too hard, check your list for options, paper going to be late, consult the list, etc. These services really provide a bridge for ademically good students with special needs. We learned early on that problem solving, especially problem solving around one's own failings was nigh unto impossible and that outside intervention/therapy/services were needed to create models, lists, and strategies for almost every possibility to preserve positive self-image and guide behavior. I wish you all the best in dealing with this. Bravo for not adding to the despair by piling on consequences; he feels bad enough already.

My mother also had polio. She was 28 in 1951 and was left paraplegic with limited use of her arms. Despite this, my parents subsequently had 3 children. I was the March-of-Dimes miracle baby in 1957. In her later years, she was completely paralyzed from post-polio syndrome, able to move only her head in her last year. Polio is very real and not yet eradicated from the earth. Every time a group fails to vaccinate, this disease rears its ugly head. I promised my mother that any children I would have would be vaccinated. They have all been vaccinated. One has autism. His symptoms were clear before the vaccination. This post is purely for pathos purposes. I have done my homework and read the research and recognize the highly agendized slant to everything published. This is difficult stuff. Meaningful parental choices have to be made from biased, curated, limited information, so that what could be a reasoned decision becomes a bizarre act of faith. We do the best we can for our children.

I would like to play devil's advocate for a moment. I have several ASD adults in my life and this sounds much like their behaviors. For them, the dressmaking would have become a part of their overall personal puzzle--and, with the rigidity that is part of ASD, when one piece is missing, the whole puzzle falls apart. This is the thing your mother has to give, but to give it she needs compliance. She does not have the skills or theory of mind to know how the children are feeling or how to help them to see her position (needing to be measured). But, she NEEDS to do this because it is what she does, by definition. It is part of how she knows herself and that her family IS her family. My ASD people would do just as she did, give up because they do not have the skills to problem solve through the situation--not as manipulation, but as genuine inability to cope; they would just leave. This is really hard for me to get across in a post. I would try again to have the children measured. Plan a time together with your mom and be there yourself. Prepare the children to be ready when she comes and make it fun. Your boundary can be in setting the date and time, and your support can be in having the children ready and being a bit celebratory about it all--after all, these are very special Easter dresses in the family tradition. Give this precious gift to your mother--she has created a family tradition! Instead of avoiding it. Make it big and special. Give your girls happy memories of their grandmother. Have a measuring tea party and invite your mom. Win win Gain control by doing plenty of giving in the way that you understand your mother and your children need. Of course, setting boundaries is critical, but so is creating an atmosphere of love and acceptance--with young children and a mother who does not or cannot comprehend the thoughts of others, you must be the one to do the considering. If making dresses is your mother's superpower and self-identifying behavior, then allow that ot be key to her realtionship with your children. But you hold the space.

I think the line is drawn when the parent loses hold of the space. By that I mean that parents hold the family structure together and are the ultimate resource for the children who look to them for safety, needs to be met, and guidance. When a child has responsibilities in the home which require them to take over for the parent, it is too much. That child misses the safety, needs, and guidance for him/herself. It is also too far when one (or more) children are identified as the help while the other(s) are the helped. I am the child of an alcoholic father and a severely handicapped mother. I am the oldest and the only daughter. I did a lot. Never did I feel, despite the circumstances, that my needs came second or that I was in charge. My parents held the space and guided and supported me in my extended responsibilities. We learned to love each other very deeply through serving one another.

We have had the no plastic bags law for 2 and a half years now, and now stores have circumvented it by offering bags (all bags are an extra 10 cents) of a thicker plastic than the law describes. Sigh. We are looking at the no plastic single-serve water bottles idea at present. In my office, we would produce more rubbish providing disposable cups.

All Creatures Great and Small The Duchess of Duke Street (yes, I am old) Inspector Lewis