Family conundrum

[Laura Corin]

The family has five members, two of whom wear hearing aids.  One person, R, has hearing aids that are making a high pitched feedback whine.  The issue is fixable, but not until mid-January.  With their hearing aids, they catch a little bit of family conversation but not much; without they catch nothing.

 

The high pitched noise is physically painful to N and M (it is similar to those broadcasts that are used to get teenagers to vacate a particular area).  It gives J and L a headache.

 

Should R take out their hearing aids for dinner for the next month (and hear nothing at all) or should everyone else cope with the pain?  Note that the period includes Christmas.  There is no way to bring forward the appointment as there is some necessary prep over the next few weeks without which the fix won't work.

[maize]

Yes R should take out their hearing aids at dinner until the hearing aids are fixed.

 

The rest of the family should make particular effort to be kind and attentive to R in the meantime.

[maize]

I'm guessing this is like the noise a hearing aid emits if you hold it in a closed hand? A high pitched feedback noise?

 

Have you tried cleaning the hearing aid and checking for any problems you might be able to fix--something out of place?

[Leav97]

Could they compromise and leave them in once a week?

[Laura Corin]

I'm guessing this is like the noise a hearing aid emits if you hold it in a closed hand? A high pitched feedback noise?

 

Have you tried cleaning the hearing aid and checking for any problems you might be able to fix--something out of place?

 

Yes.  R saw a hearing aid technician on Tuesday so we know what the problem is.

[zoobie]

Would running a noise canceling machine help the kids? 

 

Alternate days? Leave it in part of the time on Christmas? That really sucks. :( 

[Seasider]

Would spongy earplugs block enough of the sound to prevent others from feeling pain?

[MiMi 4under3]

If R is an adult, then yes, R should take them out.

 

If R is a child, I'm not sure... probably take them out, because they can only hear bits of conversation with the hearing aids in anyway.

[fraidycat]

The family has five members, two of whom wear hearing aids. One person, R, has hearing aids that are making a high pitched feedback whine. The issue is fixable, but not until mid-January. With their hearing aids, they catch a little bit of family conversation but not much; without they catch nothing.

 

The high pitched noise is physically painful to N and M (it is similar to those broadcasts that are used to get teenagers to vacate a particular area). It gives J and L a headache.

 

Should R take out their hearing aids for dinner for the next month (and hear nothing at all) or should everyone else cope with the pain? Note that the period includes Christmas. There is no way to bring forward the appointment as there is some necessary prep over the next few weeks without which the fix won't work.

Using the bolded as the basis for my opinion, I voted that R should remove the hearing aids. If R is only catching bits of conversation anyway, personally I'd find that more confusing and frustrating than hearing nothing at all.

 

I might plan ahead to deal with it for Christmas with a pre-emptive Advil or foam ear plugs (or both) to reduce the effects for the family gathering so R can participate as much as possible.

[Liz CA]

Can R lip read?

[Laura Corin]

Can R lip read?

 

A little bit, but that's hard at dinner with conversation all around.  If someone touches R's arm so that they turn towards the speaker, then R still has a very low likelihood of understanding.

[shawthorne44]

R's desire to hear some or even all of the conversation does not trump other people desire to not feel pain.  

[prairiewindmomma]

What does R think of the matter? There is ideal, and then there's actual people involved in the process.

 

Personally, I think R should desire to not cause people pain, but should keep his/her hearing aids handy for when conversation needs to take place. Conversation is a basic human need, and some allotment should be made to him/her--perhaps J or L could have a brief coffee chat in the am, or over afternoon tea?

[justasque]

While I can see why R taking out the hearing aid seems to be best for the majority, perhaps you can mitigate the problems that causes for R in some way.  Some brainstorming is in order, I think.

What can the rest of the family do to help R be included in the conversation?  For example, do you have any fast typists in the family who could translate speech to text?  Can you take turns sitting with R before and after the meal in a separate room, and conversing for as long as you can stand the noise?  As part of the festivities, can you play games like Charades where hearing isn't really required in order to participate?

I sense some frustration in your post, and I'd love to answer "R should just suck it up", but I think if you all can put some of your frustrations aside, you can come up with some things that would help R feel loved and included despite not hearing.  I understand that R may be a generally difficult person, so this may not all be as rosy as one would like it to be, but focusing on R's *feelings* and how to include R might go a long way towards making the best of a bad situation.

[Liz CA]

A little bit, but that's hard at dinner with conversation all around.  If someone touches R's arm so that they turn towards the speaker, then R still has a very low likelihood of understanding.

 

This is difficult. Conversation is such a big part of feeling part of a gathering and not hearing excludes the hearing impaired person already from many events or activities. Instead of not wearing the device at all, my grandmother used to turn it down to reduce the feedback noise but turn it up when someone was talking to her. Is this possible?

 

[MamaBearTeacher]

I agree that it depends whether R is an adult, a teen or a child and also what R wants to do. I think it would be good if R took the hearing aid out and you make every effort to include R by writing things down with paper and magic markers.

[Julie Smith]

If R would like it, could all family members take turns in writing him a nice letter that he gets given at dinner time? Perhaps left on his plate.

 

The letter should include various basic chit chat - the kind that would be offered at meals, and acknowledge that it is kind of him to go without his hearing aid for this short period of time. 

 

With 4 potential letter writes, and a letter every day for a month means only about 7 letters each. They don't have to be long or complicated. Just something to make him feel part of the group. 

Edited December 15, 2016 by Julie Smith

[Ali in OR]

Speaking as an introvert, I would not mind at all taking out the annoying hearing aids and sort of tuning out at dinner! I would still feel part of the group because I am physically, but I could also be off in my own world. Not sure if that helps you though...

[jewellsmommy]

Can R be texted during the dinner times? I know most people ban phones at the table, but perhaps the reverse is called for here. If there are any teens involved, they would likely consider this fun.

[Tap]

Hearing aids in...boring for R, painful for others

Hearing aids out...a little-less-boring for R, no pain for others. 

 

 

Sorry, but Pain trumps little-less-boring...

 

 

Or split the family up for dinner.  R with the people who can handle the feed back (probably better for R to hear less conversation at once anyways).  The others at a different table, kitchen counter, et so they can eat pain free.   It is only temporary and not like it is a personal choice. 

 

In liu of that, maybe headphones for the ones with tender ears?  Like shooting ear muffs?  I don't know if they will block the sound or not, but decent ones allow conversation through.

Edited December 15, 2016 by Tap

[Twigs]

Can someone sit next to R with a notepad or whiteboard to scribe at least part of the conversation forR?

[regentrude]

I know what noise you are talking about, It is painful. And I don't see how one can have a conversation anyway with this sound going on.

I vote for removing the hearing aids until they are fixed.

[Jean in Newcastle]

My mom has had hearing aids for 60 years now.  For 60 years we've heard high pitched noise (not constant).  Cleaning and maintenance helps but does not eliminate the problem in my mom's case.  What does help is repositioning them.  My mom cannot hear the high pitched noise so we have to give feedback (pun intended) until she has it in the right position. 

[maize]

My mom has had hearing aids for 60 years now. For 60 years we've heard high pitched noise (not constant). Cleaning and maintenance helps but does not eliminate the problem in my mom's case. What does help is repositioning them. My mom cannot hear the high pitched noise so we have to give feedback (pun intended) until she has it in the right position.

Are these in the ear or behind the ear hearing aids?

[Melissa in Australia]

:grouphug:

[Jean in Newcastle]

Are these in the ear or behind the ear hearing aids?

 

She's had both over the years.  Now they are the "in the ear" kind. 

 

ETA:  My mom has hearing aids in both ears.  Sometimes it works to just turn one off and leave the other one on. 

Edited December 15, 2016 by Jean in Newcastle

[Valley Girl]

Hearing loss is isolating.

 

If I were R, I would not in any way want a malfunctioning hearing aid to cause pain for others. So I'd take it out. I would hope, however, that my family would be extra sensitive to the fact that I could now not hear anything and make extra and consistent efforts to make me feel part of events. (Hey, I'd hope that they'd do that year-round if all I can catch WITH a hearing aid is parts of conversation.) Maybe people could take turns sitting with R and play a game or have brief conversations in writing or whatever.

 

 

[TechWife]

My parents had hearing aids and the feedback was hard. But, it isn't just about her hearing, it's also about retaining word recognition. 

 

Can the others wear headphones or earplugs? I encourage you to do find work arounds. Hear loss is so isolating. 

 

 

[Julie Smith]

My parents had hearing aids and the feedback was hard. But, it isn't just about her hearing, it's also about retaining word recognition. 

 

Can the others wear headphones or earplugs? I encourage you to do find work arounds. Hear loss is so isolating. 

 

But aren't we talking about just removing them at meal time, possibly only one meal a day. I'm pretty sure as long as that one meal isn't the only time R is listening to words R. will retain word recognition.

[Ailaena]

I vote she should remove them, but with people being extra-sensitive to the isolation it will make her feel. But should probably be allowed wear them on at least part of Xmas/new year family time, because holiday.

 

It's difficult for everybody, I'm sure :grouphug:

[Julie Smith]

Could you sometimes for dinner eat in front of the TV. Pick a movie, that has subtitles and you all watch. Because of the subtitles R. can read along. 

 

 

[Farrar]

Will R being staying in the same house as all of these people or is this just for Christmas dinner that everyone is attending from their own homes? I think taking the hearing aids out for the dinner makes the most sense and I don't really see any way around it, but if R were staying with everyone for several days, then going without hearing for that long seems pretty onerous and a lot to ask of R. Can R carry on a one on one conversation in a quietish room without the hearing aids? Maybe R can have the hearing aids in for dessert only or appetizers only or something and chat with everyone then.

[Laura Corin]

R is an introvert who chose to live a solitary life for 35 years. They are now a resident member of the family. They do not use smart phones or computers. Apart from dinner, they choose to stay in their room.

[Guest]

R is an introvert who chose to live a solitary life for 35 years. They are now a resident member of the family. They do not use smart phones or computers. Apart from dinner, they choose to stay in their room.

So it's just feedback during the one time of day they sit with everyone? I vote the younger members get over it for half an hour or help her reposition them until there is no feedback. That's different than something going for 2-8 hours a day in close proximity.

[TranquilMind]

This is difficult. Conversation is such a big part of feeling part of a gathering and not hearing excludes the hearing impaired person already from many events or activities. Instead of not wearing the device at all, my grandmother used to turn it down to reduce the feedback noise but turn it up when someone was talking to her. Is this possible?

 

 

I would definitely make a special effort to look directly at the person who can't hear and speak slowly.  Or even write it down, if the person removes the loud hearing aid. 

 

[sassenach]

R is an introvert who chose to live a solitary life for 35 years. They are now a resident member of the family. They do not use smart phones or computers. Apart from dinner, they choose to stay in their room.

Does she want to take them out? 

 

If she's opposed and it's just for 1 meal a day, I would probably suck it up. 

[JFSinIL]

Yes. Take them out. Have small notepads and pencils by each place setting so folks can jot little notes to R to keep them including in the family. Then the kids need to hug her to thank her and sit down and play scrabble or boggle with her.

Edited December 16, 2016 by JFSinIL

[FaithManor]

Totally agree with Maize.

[poppy]

So 4 out of the 5 experience pain when the hearing aides are in? Why is this a question?

Is R resisting?

I'm trying to imagine what R might say in her defense. 
I do think it would be very hard to be isolated during the 1x per day chance to be with family.

[Beaniemom]

I would ask R what they wished but also make sure she is aware of the pain experienced by the others. Sometimes my son chooses to remove his hearing aides and cochlear implant processor. We just make extra effort to get his attention and he knows some ASL and lip reads. If R is as introverted as indicated perhaps she won't mind the quiet.  

[Aras]

Can everyone use a mini whiteboard to communicate during dinner? That way the family member feels included? I have quite a few family members with significant hearing loss. It can be very isolating even with hearing aids. Making an effort like keeping a paper and pencil handy does a lot to make them feel included and loved. 

[JFSinIL]

R is an introvert who chose to live a solitary life for 35 years. They are now a resident member of the family. They do not use smart phones or computers. Apart from dinner, they choose to stay in their room.

 

Poor thing sounds depressed.  Also having to live now with relatives, they don't want to be in the way or seem a bother, perhaps?

[Laura Corin]

Poor thing sounds depressed.  Also having to live now with relatives, they don't want to be in the way or seem a bother, perhaps?

 

Well.  R has suffered from depression at times but it is controlled now.  However it's also completely normal for an introvert to find family bustle overwhelming.  If I didn't have family responsibilities, I'd hide a fair bit myself.

 

[poppy]

Can everyone use a mini whiteboard to communicate during dinner? That way the family member feels included? I have quite a few family members with significant hearing loss. It can be very isolating even with hearing aids. Making an effort like keeping a paper and pencil handy does a lot to make them feel included and loved.

I love this. Don't just keep a pen and paper for the one who can't hear - everyone communicates non verbally. Very fair.

 

Lakeshore learning has really cheap personal whiteboards.

[KarenC]

Speaking as an introvert, I would not mind at all taking out the annoying hearing aids and sort of tuning out at dinner! I would still feel part of the group because I am physically, but I could also be off in my own world. Not sure if that helps you though...

Another introvert here.  It wouldn't bother me at all to take the hearing aid out, especially if I knew other people were in pain.

[Paige]

Can R hear the feedback himself? We had this problem w/ DS's hearing aids and he couldn't hear the noise. It was maddening! We had him take them out, because even though he couldn't hear the noise, I suspect that when the noise was happening, he also couldn't hear normal sound with his hearing aids very well. And, there was no other conversation going on when his were shooting feedback because the rest of us were cowering and covering our ears! He was without his hearing aids for a few months until we could get them fixed, but he sounds like he hears better than your R. 

 

Another option would be to try just one hearing aid- maybe one is worse than the other or maybe they feed off of each other. Or, you could get one of those cheap as seen on tv type of hearing aid things for the interim. I think there's one called "Listen Up" or maybe there's other brands where you live. 

[Laura Corin]

Can R hear the feedback himself? We had this problem w/ DS's hearing aids and he couldn't hear the noise. It was maddening! We had him take them out, because even though he couldn't hear the noise, I suspect that when the noise was happening, he also couldn't hear normal sound with his hearing aids very well. And, there was no other conversation going on when his were shooting feedback because the rest of us were cowering and covering our ears! He was without his hearing aids for a few months until we could get them fixed, but he sounds like he hears better than your R. 

 

Another option would be to try just one hearing aid- maybe one is worse than the other or maybe they feed off of each other. Or, you could get one of those cheap as seen on tv type of hearing aid things for the interim. I think there's one called "Listen Up" or maybe there's other brands where you live. 

 

No, R can't hear the noise, so doesn't have any experience of how painful it is.  Last night, only one hearing aid was feeding back, so R just took that one out. 

 

[Tammyla]

Is it possible to eat in a space that is less close?  

 

Depression is a tough one; I would want everyone to feel welcome at meals even the family member with the feedback, esp if the person is elderly.

[AMJ]

Would running a noise canceling machine help the kids? 

 

Alternate days? Leave it in part of the time on Christmas? That really sucks. :(

 

 

Please no.  Adding MORE noise to the environment has limited success and quite often does not result in the benefit sought.  I know this from direct experience.  It often creates more problems than it solves.

 

As the noise is causing physical pain to others it would be courteous and prudent for the wearer to turn off the malfunctioning units as much as possible, at least while around others.  Even when alone this might be a good idea; I worry about further damage being done to the wearer's hearing, even if he/she doesn't seem to hear the noise.

 

Given that the wearer won't be able to hear anything at all while the aids are off and/or not being worn the wearer and everyone they are visiting with will need to conscientiously communicate through other means.  It would be bad grace, indeed, for the others to allow the wearer to get left out of the conversations and events when the wearer has taken pains for the sake of other peoples' comfort.

 

I agree, this is a sucky situation.  With care and consideration all around, however, it can still be endured with minimal upset.

[J-rap]

No, R can't hear the noise, so doesn't have any experience of how painful it is.  Last night, only one hearing aid was feeding back, so R just took that one out. 

 

 

I was just going to ask you if it's one or both.  If it's just one, that's helpful because she could just take out the noisy one perhaps.  People could be especially careful to speak into her "good" ear.  That's what we do with my mother.  My mother always likes to have my dad on her "good" side because he's good at being her translator when she's not hearing everything.

 

It sounds like the noise bothers several people, not just a couple kids.  Is she aware of this? How has she responded?  Is she looking for a solution or does she not really care?