kewb Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 So, my son was hiding pot in his closet. He claims a friend of his asked him to hold it for him. I know the kid in question does use. I have confiscated the pot I am kind of at a loss. If he was holding it for the friend, what should be done? Is he telling a lie to cover up that it is really his? I am a bit flummoxed. I never used and I certainly never held any for a friend. From a philosophical standpoint I am not really against its use. There are medicinal needs. I am also not sure it should be illegal. From a legality standpoint, it is illegal where we live. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 I would assume he is lying and it is his. Why would he "hold" the stuff for a friend? I would sit him down and impress upon him the legal implications. Irrespective of whether you think it should be legal or not - the trouble is severe if he is caught with it where it is against the law. If he was indeed holding it for a friend, I would destroy it and inform the friend's parents. They need to know their kid is using and jeopardizing his friends. 37 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kiana Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 Regardless of your personal feelings (where I agree) it is illegal where you live, and you cannot let your son break the law in your house. This could get *you* in legal trouble. I am also calling BS on the "holding it for a friend". Uh huh. But it doesn't really matter. Either way I would destroy it. I would make sure he knows that he is in trouble for bringing an illegal object into the house no matter whose it is. But I would also watch your son for signs that he is using, because I would lay strong odds that he is. And drug offenses can carry a whole bunch of penalties, including being completely unable to access federal financial aid to pay for college. And whether or not *I* think the penalties are stupid (they totally are) it doesn't matter -- what matters is what the law thinks. He needs to know this as wlel. 19 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jewellsmommy Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 Is he saying that he has never smoked any? If so, you can give him a chance to prove that with an inexpensive test kit. I have seen them for marijuana at places like cvs. Either way, I would be concerned and have a serious talk. He knows what he was doing was wrong thus it being hidden in a closet. Holding illegal materials will get you in trouble just as much as if it were your items. He needs to know that. But, I would also want to know if he had been partaking of it. If so, you need to be on the lookout for repeat offense. If not, then maybe this will be a quick lesson learned. There would definitely be a loss of trust over this in our house. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthwestMom Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 Regardless of your personal feelings (where I agree) it is illegal where you live, and you cannot let your son break the law in your house. This could get *you* in legal trouble. I am also calling BS on the "holding it for a friend". Uh huh. But it doesn't really matter. Either way I would destroy it. I would make sure he knows that he is in trouble for bringing an illegal object into the house no matter whose it is. But I would also watch your son for signs that he is using, because I would lay strong odds that he is. And drug offenses can carry a whole bunch of penalties, including being completely unable to access federal financial aid to pay for college. And whether or not *I* think the penalties are stupid (they totally are) it doesn't matter -- what matters is what the law thinks. He needs to know this as wlel. :iagree: It is legal in my state, and I support legalization, both medical and recreational. IT IS NOT LEGAL FOR MINORS. I'll never support that. Their brains are still developing, and marijuana use is not going to have a positive effect. I would take strong and swift action, including calling the other boy's parents. Time for a group meeting. Heck no, that's not happening in my house. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: 11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kewb Posted October 4, 2015 Author Share Posted October 4, 2015 Showing my ignorance, what would be some real life signs of use to look for. I am actually rather proud of myself for not losing my temper and freaking out. To give more background on how I found the pot. I was hanging some stuff up in his closet and he freaked out that he wanted me out of his closet. I told him he could either tell me what he was hiding in there or I will look for myself. He then told me friend asked him to hold it the last time they hung out. I told him to give me the stuff as I would take care of it. I then asked him what the situation was that friend asked him to do something illegal for him. Son said friend was dropping him off and asked him son says he said no. But friend persisted with an I can't bring it into my house excuse. Son agreed thinking he and friend would be getting together soon. Turns out they have not gotten together in weeks. I asked ds if he was using. He, of course, said no and agreed to a drug test. Which I am pondering. I briefly discussed ramifications of holding for a friend and that friends do not ask you to engage on illegal activities once you have said no. So, not happy with this whole development. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 I think he's lying. Destroy it, and bring down the hammer punishment wise. Same as if you saw him smoking a cigarette. I wouldn't freak out. It is a stupid thing to do, no more, no less. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hyacinth Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 I would guess that he is using. And not to get all slippery slope on you, but I would also be on high alert for escalating use. I know many people believe marijuana use is not a big deal. I get that. And it may turn out to be no big deal for your son. But not all stories turn out this way. The tragic addiction story of a dear family member started with "holding pot for a friend." Kudos on not freaking out! You sound like a good mom with a level head. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 I would do a drug test, if it still would be in his system. You're his mother, you want to believe him. A test removes your emotions. Holding for a friend is the oldest excuse on the books. A test would be minute compared to the legal complications had he been caught with the pot by the authorities. I would also require him to look up what kind of charges possession can merit, how it can affect college and how those kind of charges can affect employment. Possession can still result in jail time in my state. It doesn't matter how your family feels about pot in general (I'm on the fence), it's still illegal and that has consequences if charged, long term ones in any case. As for the other child, I'd call the parents. If he is your ds's friend, I would do so not to be a narc, but under the guise of caring about his future as well. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 Kathy, have you told your son that you are going to call the friend's mother? If the pot actually belongs to your son, do you think your he would be honest about it so his friend wouldn't be falsely accused and get into unnecessary trouble with his parents? 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wonderchica Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 I knew lots of people who smoked in high school. They wouldn't have left their stash at a friend's for weeks. Probably not even days, frankly. You buy it to smoke it, not for decoration. I'm not buying your son's story. Do you give him his spending money? I'd cut that off first. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abba12 Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 Definitely test. You know, SOME kids really are so naive as to hold onto it for the friend. Still a problem, but a different problem. I'm pro-legalization, but, minors should not have weed, the same way minors should not have alcohol. Still developing brains. Talk to him about the legal ramifications, regardless of opinion, the legality is a fact. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldberry Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 I agree, whatever your feelings about pot use for adults, use by minors has been shown to have adverse affects. I live in a state where pot is legal. For minors it is illegal and can be detrimental. Also time for a discussion about the habits we pick up from our friends. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TammyS Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 So, my son was hiding pot in his closet. He claims a friend of his asked him to hold it for him. I know the kid in question does use. I have confiscated the pot I am kind of at a loss. If he was holding it for the friend, what should be done? Is he telling a lie to cover up that it is really his? I am a bit flummoxed. I never used and I certainly never held any for a friend. From a philosophical standpoint I am not really against its use. There are medicinal needs. I am also not sure it should be illegal. From a legality standpoint, it is illegal where we live. It's in his possession, therefore he's responsible. Wouldn't matter in the least whether he's telling the truth about it holding it for his friend. He knows it's not ok, and he's going to be sticking to me like glue for a good, long time after this (unless he wants to move out and support himself). And the friend is history. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 I'd let him know that if the cops found it in your house they can basically take your house from you. Same with a car, if they find it in a car. This is NOT worth that. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 Kewb--just ... sorry. Rats. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kewb Posted October 5, 2015 Author Share Posted October 5, 2015 Okay, I told him I was going to tell friends mother. It is his. I am heartbroken. I brought dh (who cracked up laughing at the holding for a friend story) into the discussion. He claims he started using over the summer because of all that is going on in out lives. Financial problems due to dh's illness and dealing with a chronically ill parent and stopped before school when he started working on his college apps and realized financial aid could be in jeopardy. I am just so disappointed and I really hope all we discussed with him sinks in and he really thinks about what he is doing. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 I'm so sorry! Anne 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 Maybe he really started because his friends were. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momto10blessings Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 I'm sorry. I got in trouble and used the same excuse. It's really not the end of the world. I'd suggest he finds new friends. That's the only thing that got me away from it. 11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Family stress is so hard. I would express that you are glad he was honest and try to come up with other ways to cope with all the challenges. It's trite advice, yet in my family there are addicts who turn to drugs or alcohol as a way to deal with the complications of life. I would help him find other outlets, maybe writing or even something as simple as taking up stargazing or photography. Lots of good kids make bad decisions. One they are "outed" however, it's time to change how the decisions are handled. Sounds like he reached a decent conclusion on his own. I would continue to verify he is no longer using, not sure how though, maybe do the test to be sure. 11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 And may I please let you know that he CHOSE this, that the circumstances in his life might be the pits, but his response is his own. He has to own that if he is going to grow up. You--and he--have a big opportunity ahead of you...but right now it probably seems like just the pits, and I am really really sorry. This is not what you had in mind. (((K))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MomatHWTK Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 :iagree: 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mergath Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 Okay, I told him I was going to tell friends mother. It is his. I am heartbroken. I brought dh (who cracked up laughing at the holding for a friend story) into the discussion. He claims he started using over the summer because of all that is going on in out lives. Financial problems due to dh's illness and dealing with a chronically ill parent and stopped before school when he started working on his college apps and realized financial aid could be in jeopardy. I am just so disappointed and I really hope all we discussed with him sinks in and he really thinks about what he is doing. :grouphug: It's going to be okay. I don't know anyone IRL who didn't try it a few times as a teen, and they all turned out just fine. I know we all hear stories about people who became wildly addicted to weed and threw their lives away and so on, but really, 99% of the people who try it as teens don't turn into crazed drug addicts. ;) I wouldn't just brush this off, of course, because it is illegal where you live and him having possession of it could have serious consequences, but it's not like his life is over and you have to send him to rehab. And the fact that he had some hanging out in his closet means he's not hopelessly addicted, because if he was he would have smoked it right away. 26 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jen3kids Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 Okay, I told him I was going to tell friends mother. It is his. I am heartbroken. I brought dh (who cracked up laughing at the holding for a friend story) into the discussion. He claims he started using over the summer because of all that is going on in out lives. Financial problems due to dh's illness and dealing with a chronically ill parent and stopped before school when he started working on his college apps and realized financial aid could be in jeopardy. I am just so disappointed and I really hope all we discussed with him sinks in and he really thinks about what he is doing. Hugs to you... been there, done that, just a couple years ago. I cried, a lot. Ds (barely 16 at the time), told me it was for a friend, but then told the truth. Said he used because it helped him relax due to stress (total bs, in my opinion) Consequences... long discussion regarding consequences - legal, personal, family, grounded for a long time - straight home after school, had to call, no hanging out, lots of housework/yardwork, And, did it work? I like to think it did, but I really don't know. If he wanted to use, he could find a way. But, he's 18 now and graduated high school, working 30-40 hours/week, taking 5 courses at community college and he bought his own car (and pays for insurance/repairs, etc). Stay strong and love him. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthwestMom Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 :grouphug: It's going to be okay. I don't know anyone IRL who didn't try it a few times as a teen, and they all turned out just fine. I know we all hear stories about people who became wildly addicted to weed and threw their lives away and so on, but really, 99% of the people who try it as teens don't turn into crazed drug addicts. ;) I wouldn't just brush this off, of course, because it is illegal where you live and him having possession of it could have serious consequences, but it's not like his life is over and you have to send him to rehab. And the fact that he had some hanging out in his closet means he's not hopelessly addicted, because if he was he would have smoked it right away. Uh, unless he's selling. Although, I do agree with everything else Mergath said. I hope you can get him into counseling so he can learn some healthy coping skills, if he did in fact start smoking pot due to stress. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: to you, kewb. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mergath Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 Hugs to you... been there, done that, just a couple years ago. I cried, a lot. Ds (barely 16 at the time), told me it was for a friend, but then told the truth. Said he used because it helped him relax due to stress (total bs, in my opinion) Consequences... long discussion regarding consequences - legal, personal, family, grounded for a long time - straight home after school, had to call, no hanging out, lots of housework/yardwork, And, did it work? I like to think it did, but I really don't know. If he wanted to use, he could find a way. But, he's 18 now and graduated high school, working 30-40 hours/week, taking 5 courses at community college and he bought his own car (and pays for insurance/repairs, etc). Stay strong and love him. Not really. I mean, I don't know if your son specifically was lying about his reasons, but people do use it to relieve stress. It has roughly the same effect as taking an Ativan or drinking a couple glasses of wine. You get very relaxed and giggly. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kewb Posted October 5, 2015 Author Share Posted October 5, 2015 Thank you everyone. It seems the first time was at a party. I know his usual circle of friends are not users. His best friend tried to get him to stop, which ds says is part of why he decided to stop. The party was at a new friends party and the people he was doing it with were new friends. Fortunately, he has not seen them since school started. Patty Joanna, we did discuss with him that smoking pot was his choice and that he needs to take responsibility for his actions. We discussed the fact that life is difficult for us right now but you never know what other people are going through. Everyone has problems. We still have a roof over our heads. Neighbors recently lost their home. Another neighbor was arrested for sexting teenange girls. Don't you think their family is having some troubles right now. How you choose to deal with those troubles will define you. And if he keeps choosing drugs his life will not change and money will always br a problem because he will potentially mess up college and job prospects. If he wants a better life he has to make it happen and drugs are not going to help him make it happen. 17 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mergath Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 Uh, unless he's selling. Although, I do agree with everything else Mergath said. I hope you can get him into counseling so he can learn some healthy coping skills, if he did in fact start smoking pot due to stress. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: to you, kewb. People who are selling usually have more than just one bag of it, though. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 Some thoughts. The life impact (if caught by someone more officical than Mom) are significant. POCS is a heavy burden for any human; especially teen simply trying to finish school, etc. So, if it is his or not doesn't matter if it is in his possession. I would absolutely have (another) discussion about how the use of recreational drugs during teen years has a greater chance of 1) becoming a problem and becoming a problem more quickly and 2) impact the brain more profoundly. It might be difficult to give your son age appropriate "space" and determine if he **occassionally** uses. If addiction "runs in your family," he is at greater risk of over using, abusing or becoming addicted. (Yes, you CAN become addicted to pot, and, no, no one ever died directly from it.) Signs of that can include: 1. Change in friends. 2. Change in grades. 3. Change in sleeping habits. 4. Increase in paranoia. 5. Decrease in other activities. 6. Change in amount of time around adults/non peers. 7. Risky behavior regarding money. 8. Decrease in motivation, engagement. 9. Increased irritation, especially when not using/under the influence. The problem with that list is that much of it can overlap with other common teenage changes. 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katy Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 He's still lying. If he really stopped using for scholarship purposes he wouldn't have kept it. And there's a difference between trying a few times at a party and being the supplier to the party. I'm betting he's used it many times. I don't know what the answer is. My dad was a cop and when I went to college he called & made me promise to not try certain hardcore drugs that can addict you immediately, gave me a list of some that might be okay to try if I trusted the dealer, and said to smoke all the pot I wanted, all it would do is make you fat. I just discussed it with DH and while he agrees with the general philosophy, he was extremely against a kid bringing it into our house. I suspect we'd have him on restriction for two months, with the opportunity to work that off with community service hours of some type. But we both would be more annoyed with the concept of him buying it than with him having it in our house. I'd assume the friend he mentioned is the dealer. I'd still call the mom, tell her what you found and although the story changed, since it involved something illegal and her son, she might want to be aware of it so she can search his room if she wishes. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthwestMom Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 People who are selling usually have more than just one bag of it, though. Yeah, but he's a kid, not a professional. You can sell just enough to smoke yours for free if you're a smart stoner. :leaving: 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Haiku Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 We had an experience like this with my oldest dd. Without going into details, we felt that she put our two younger kids in danger by her actions AND she created risk for dh and me by having an illegal substance in our home. On top of that, when we caught her she lied to us about what was really going on (but she's a terrible liar, so we quickly figured out the truth). To make a long story short, dd was grounded from her phone and the internet for six months. She was grounded from having friends over for three months and from going out with friends for six months. She was not allowed to stay after school for any reason, whatsoever, for six months (we didn't feel we could believe any story she told us about why she would be staying after school). She was told that if she wasn't home 25 minutes after school let out, there would be serious consequences. She was basically not allowed out of our house unaccompanied except for school or soccer. This may sound harsh, but our dd was never one to listen to talk or reason. ONLY action spoke to her (she was adopted as a preteen and felt that "talking about" issues was just a chance for her to try to manipulate us). WE told her that when she turned 18 she was welcome to let her stupid flag fly, but it was on her own dime at that point. We told her that we had to protect our family from her stupidity, and we told her that if she ever got caught involved in drugs by the authorities (she believed the people she was involved in this with would never rat her out, even though she immediately lied and blamed her best friend when caught), she could kiss going to college goodbye. At the time she was, of course, furious. By two years later she was thanking us for caring enough to make an impression on her. I wouldn't take this lightly, and I wouldn't believe your son's lame "holding for a friend" story. That's the oldest and lamest story in the book. If, by some weird off chance, it's true, then your son is displaying his immaturity and extremely poor judgment very clearly. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bluegoat Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 I think in the end the only thing you can do is talk about it with him. I wouldn't really even be inclined to bother with testing, because I can't really see it changing much. I think I would as you've done emphasize that the potential legal consequences are pretty significant. As far as the stress thing - I think I would want to point out that using substances for stress reduction is a really good way to start a problem. Everyone has stress, and sometimes there will be a lot. It is really important to develop good coping skills to help with it. Using drugs to do it as a teen is going to inhibit developing other more healthy coping mechanisms. And - I would really emphasize the teen brain thing. There are a lot of questions still about pot and links to mental illness. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kewb Posted October 5, 2015 Author Share Posted October 5, 2015 He's still lying. If he really stopped using for scholarship purposes he wouldn't have kept it. And there's a difference between trying a few times at a party and being the supplier to the party. I'm betting he's used it many times. As my dh said to him "if you are admitting to this much. I believe the number is greater." We are not testing since he has admitted the use. When I asked him what his plan was there because we would be doing the hair test he told me he hadn't really thought that through. He figured volunteering to test would make me think he was innocent. Which prompted me to point out that I wasn't born yesterday in spite of what he thinks. 14 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 I might not test now but I definitely would be testing him in the future. 11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: I really feel for you. Just to counter all the posts saying it is not so bad, I personally know people who have had a major negative impact on their life because of using pot. I have also an immediate family member who died while using ( Suicide, high when he died). 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rmtzc2009 Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 I might not test now but I definitely would be testing him in the future. Yes. And it's better to do random tests at your discretion instead of giving him a heads up. If given advance notice, there are many ways he can pass a drug screen. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 My dh and I have had an interesting talk related to this thread... In light of some situations that have come up with friends in our lives and the fact that pot has been legalized in our state (and our homestate!), he has followed the story to a much greater degree than I have. He made a couple of points that I thought you might want to hear. First, the age is an issue. A friend who is a counselor who deals with addictions (especially alcoholism) told me that the longer you defer the experience with the substance (pot, alcohol) or experience (gaming, sex, gambling), the less likely you are to become addicted. Eg., if you don't drink until you are 25, you are farrrrrrrr less likely to become an alcoholic than if you start at 15. Give your brain time to get established. Second, when you read the scientific studies about how pot affects the brain, be aware that the pot of "then" is not the pot of "now." The pot of "now" has been hybridized to provide a much more hallucinogenic experience than the pot of "then." In addition, pot is often adulterated with other substances which increase its potency. You remember the old ad, "This is not your father's Oldsmobile!."? Well, this is not your father's pot. Lastly, in your location, pot is illegal. Besides all the family ramifications of this, it is also not a good thing that he is in contact with people who are involved in underground activities. That's a caution. My dh would be so much better than I at dealing with this situation. I'm much more likely to run around with my hands in the air, and he is a much better listener. He said that having good and true and honest discussion with your son is a good road...keep the trust between you--tell the truth--and live into the relationship rather than shutting it off. God be with you. :0) (Soooo many parents I know are dealing with things they / we never thought we would had to...parenting is not for wimps...) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kewb Posted October 5, 2015 Author Share Posted October 5, 2015 Thank you again, Patty Joanna Ds is 17. We did discuss with him that the pot of today is very different from the pot of our youth and how it is different. Dh and I need to get on the same page about where to go from here. He feels we talked about it and that is enough. I am not so sure. I don't know that a short leash is the right answer. I also don't think a nothing has changed attitude is right either. I can't even explain all I am feeling. I never thought I would have to deal with this. I didn't do drugs therefore my kids wouldn't is how it worked in my mind. Parenting is definitely not for the faint of heart. 11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 I never did drugs, either, and I am probably more against pot use in general because I am not in favor of legalization, so I can understand how this is such a shock to you, especially because it sounds like your ds is such a good kid. :grouphug: I know this is going to sound awfully sneaky, but if your dh doesn't want to make a big deal out of this or impose any consequences, can you do the hair test using hairs off of his pillow or clothing, so your ds doesn't even know you're doing it and you can (hopefully) have peace of mind because you won't just be taking his word for it? 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 Thank you again, Patty Joanna Ds is 17. We did discuss with him that the pot of today is very different from the pot of our youth and how it is different. Dh and I need to get on the same page about where to go from here. He feels we talked about it and that is enough. I am not so sure. I don't know that a short leash is the right answer. I also don't think a nothing has changed attitude is right either. I can't even explain all I am feeling. I never thought I would have to deal with this. I didn't do drugs therefore my kids wouldn't is how it worked in my mind. Parenting is definitely not for the faint of heart. Seventeen/my son was the worst year of my life. I could barely breathe. It wasn't drugs in our situation, but it was enough, regardless...TOTALLY not what I had in mind, and along the same lines--how could my son do this, I never would have THOUGHT about doing this? And 17 is so close to 18, and so close to ... 4. The happiest day of my life was when my son turned 18. I'm exaggerating...not the HAPPIEST...but I will admit to a big sigh of relief. I don't know what to tell you. Short leash, long leash...whatever. I don't know. But I do know that I wish I had *listened* better and not reacted but reflected. My bad. (((K))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tsuga Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 So, my son was hiding pot in his closet. He claims a friend of his asked him to hold it for him. I know the kid in question does use. I have confiscated the pot I am kind of at a loss. If he was holding it for the friend, what should be done? Is he telling a lie to cover up that it is really his? I am a bit flummoxed. I never used and I certainly never held any for a friend. From a philosophical standpoint I am not really against its use. There are medicinal needs. I am also not sure it should be illegal. From a legality standpoint, it is illegal where we live. I am sorry you are dealing with this. It's legal here but illegal for those under 21. I don't know what I'd do. Obviously in your son's case it's not a prescription or you'd know about it. It's also your home, legally, and you're responsible for what's in it. I would also keep in mind that legally, you can't even hold pot or transport it. Saying you're holding it for someone does not legally exonerate you regardless. I also agree with those who say that saying you're just holding it for someone is the oldest story in the book. I am pretty familiar with pot and never in my life have I ever met anyone who would hold pot for another person. Almost nobody does that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mamiof5 Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 I am so sorry you are going through this! Honestly I have no idea what would we do, but I can't help but feel that talking about it is just not enough. I warned someone a couple times about his son doing drugs, but the dad never believed me. "Not my son,we have talked to him about it, he is smarter than that, other kids are mean to him, this is just rumors" attitude. They recently found out he is indeed an addict, and it's a big mess. Not sure exactly how we'd deal with it, but I believe it would be way more than talking. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 I would emphasize that he destroyed your trust, and therefore you are forced to act as if you cannot trust him, until he regains it. Pot stays for 30 days in the pee. I would not believe that he gave it up a while ago because of scholarships. Honestly, that has my bs meter going off. So, I'd test. I'd test every week on random days. If it's been a month, it will be clean. Test until he's clean and then continue to test. Tell him it's part of the consequences. I'd get counseling for him, and family counseling, too; he's already gone deeper than just using at a party and experimenting. YOu can tell, because he's lied, he's brought some home, and he's offering excuses and blaming. Get to the root of it, and offer strategies for coping with the stress that are legal, healthy, and effective--a good counselor can do this. A red flag (and sorry, I'm being direct here) is that you did not discuss it with your husband before confronting ds. A second is that your husband doesn't want to do anything else. I would look at problem solving in your family, and at parenting strategies. Expect your ds to "divide and conquer"--you have to be ready for that. You may not need a long time in counseling, but I would recommend at least going to see what the counselor says. Someone outside looking into your family, who has knowledge about and can recognize healthy and unhealthy families, can offer a perspective that can be so very helpful. It's a humbling experience, but really can be profoundly worth it! Take what I am saying in the gentlest way, even if my words sting--I am not calling your parenting into question, merely offering what I wish someone had offered me. 25 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kroe1 Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 Tough one. Your honesty as a parent, and acceptance of all opinions in your time of need, is refreshing. Your son will most likely do well because of your concern and how you have handled it so far. As parents, we are on the extreme, so take my thoughts with a grain of salt. I would do random drug screens, watching him pee each time. (There are a ton of ways to make the tests negative.). Take your child one time to his physician to get a complete drug screen. Ask for the one that is a serum test and includes many drugs not available in tests from CVS. Many drugs that the kids use now like GHB do not show up. Now that a few days have passed, you might want to wait and do this one in a few weeks after his guard is relaxed. He probably will not use for awhile after getting caught, but it will most likely return. Have him get the results on some of the British studies regarding marijuana use. There was marked decrease in IQ of users. When I read the study myself, I just wanted to say, "duh", as we all knew pot heads in high school who walked around acting like airheads and saying, "duh," every time spoken to. Make your son write a report on his research. Next, have your son write a paper on COPD caused by smoking marijuana. You can demonstrate what that feels like by having him pinch his nose while tightly pursing his lips around a straw. Have him jump up and down and see what it feels like to only be getting a small amount of air. Start being the only one who cleans your kids' rooms. I have never let my kids clean their own rooms because that gives me the excuse to be looking in every nook and cranny. No money, no money, no money. Someone mentioned this already. But, take it very seriously. Do not even supply $10 to run up to McDonald's, pay for a school field trip, or get toothpaste at Walgreen's. If your DS has a job, confiscate his paycheck. If he has a gas card, confiscate that. His friends will supply him with free drugs for about a week, and then they will disown him. No alone time. Be with him every second. It is really hard to do any drugs with a parent sitting right beside you. That means he has to follow you around, no hiding out in his room for hours at a time. This is a pain for you as well as him, I know. But, if it keeps him from going further with marijuana or other drug use, it will be worth it. Get an alarm system on the house and make sure all windows, garage doors, etc. are connected. You and DH should be the only ones who know the code. As I mentioned, we are extreme parents. (We kicked out our son when he was 18 just for smoking cigarettes.) He is now a physician and the father of my two adorable grandsons. I shutter to think what would have happened if we had not been so harsh because DS was running with a crowd who had more influence than we did. Blessings to you and your son. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kewb Posted October 5, 2015 Author Share Posted October 5, 2015 I really am thankful for everyone's advice. This morning I talked with ds wihthout dh because the subject upsets him about the addiction that is very close to home.dh's sister and mother. We talked a bit about what an addict looks like and what a functional addict is. We have always told our kids that addiction runs in the family but not who is actually an addict. I told him straight out that his aunt is an alcoholic. Wine with dinner, wine when she gets home from work, wine at every social gathering. She is not a fall down drunk but she can't spend a day without having some. She quit drinking for about 3 months ten years ago when her daughter asked her to stop because she was worried about her. After those few months Sil decided that neice was wrong and she was fine and not an alcoholic. Grandma is addicted to pain pills. She doesn't take them all day long but she never passes up an opportunity to glom someone's percoset. The addiction is real and close to home. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melmichigan Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 :grouphug: I'm sorry that your dealing with this. You have addiction in the family. In my experience that changes everything. From NCADD "FACT: The single most reliable indicator of risk for future alcohol and drug problems is FAMILY HISTORY." My sister's high school marijuana use greatly changed her life, and greatly impacted our family. Even 17+ years after rehab it is still impacting day to day life. DH has a friend who has been using since high school, and now continues to use under a medical marijuana card. No one will every convince me that marijuana is harmless. In my area you need to take a hair follicle drug test to get any decent job, and they don't always take it from your head. Potentially that's 12 months worth of drug use, although most companies limit testing to the last 3-4 months. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mergath Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 As parents, we are on the extreme, so take my thoughts with a grain of salt. I would do random drug screens, watching him pee each time. (There are a ton of ways to make the tests negative.). It's not just a matter of watching them pee. Most people who aren't daily users get around the tests by drinking huge amounts of water beforehand. It's how military recruiters get recreational users of drugs to pass the urine test. My roommate while we were doing the processing had to do it. (Yes, with the help and guidance of our recruiter. Go, Army. :glare: ) 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 he's 16 - it's illegal, he knows it's illegal, he knows it was wrong for him to hold it or he wouldn't have *hidden* it from you. I probably would not believe it was "for his friend", rather than he was starting to use too. My son had friends who used - he actually dumped, of his own initiative, all of them because it made them so stupid and he didn't want to go down that path. that said - there are many studies about the negative effect it has on the teen brain. colorado is having problems with their legalized pot. not just animals and small children getting into it, but teens - for whom it is sitll illegal - are getting it more easily. traffic deaths are up. I grew up with a brother who not only used (as did all his friends), but dealt. (my bil also used until about 10 years ago. he feels better than he has in years.) I've seen the other side up close and personal. just because it's legal, (which it is here) doesn't mean it's wise. (it isn't). there is a BIG problem here and i would consider taking him and turning it in. eta: as a pp said - NOTHING will ever make me think it's harmless. my own experience in my family says otherwise. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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