How do you handle young adult children that make bad choices?

[Shawn On the Border]

Ds19 is dropping out of the university at the end of the semester. He had a merit scholarship for tuition. He says he doesn't like it there, doesn't fit in, hates the dorm. We moved 2000 miles away last month, and his only friends are at the fast food restaurant where he works. He devised a plan to rent an apartment and go to the community college. I don't see any way he could afford that, and we will not help him.

 

I feel so sad. He is making life so hard for himself. We told him he could live with us (and pay some rent), go to community college here (he would have to pay at least until he proved himself). He thinks he will come, but he doesn't want to leave his friends. They are nice kids, but are going nowhere.

 

I'm not sure how to react to all this. Mostly, I am incredibly sad. This kid is great with the family. He actually likes to hang out with us (sometimes). He likes learning. He will actually watch documentaries and listen to npr on his own. He does great in his job. He got a raise right away, and they wanted him to become manager. But, when it comes to school, he isn't motivated to do the work. If we hadn't moved, I know he wouldn't be dropping out. I know it is his fault, but dh and I still feel somewhat responsible.

 

Any ideas of how we should handle this as parents?

[bettyandbob]

:grouphug:

 

I don't know. My young adult child is inching along and stagnating and it very hard to watch. He is also losing out on tuition money. 

 

[Spryte]

Crazy question, but what about encouraging him to check into the school's exchange program?  My girl friend in college hated our school. Just hated it, it was a terrible fit.  So she used our school's exchange program to go to a different school for a year, then transferred to that school.  He could check to see if there are participating schools near you.  :)

 

I have a young adult who struggled, too.  It's painful to watch, but they find their way eventually.  

[Elisabet1]

((((hugs))))

[Shawn On the Border]

He decided that he wouldn't go to classes the last 2 weeks (sigh). He wasn't doing great even before that. He thinks he can still pass 2 classes. The others, no. One was a small seminar, and the other 2 had a lot of assignments and quizzes. He still has that teenage brain fog- he just doesn't make logical decisions sometimes. We gave him the option in the summer to come with us and go to community college- or even take a gap semester to get acclimated, but he decided to stay.

 

As far as the manager's job, he didn't want to take it while he was in school, because it required a lot of hours. He was already working about 30 hours per week. If he comes to live with us, he'll have to find a new job. Change is hard for him, as is making new friends. We have moved a lot, and he has lost a lot of friends because of that. He still keeps in touch, but it's not the same.

[sunflowerlady]

Is he going to train for management? That is something I would encourage while he goes to the community college.

[Shawn On the Border]

Sunflowerlady- management is a good idea. He's thinking of something in computers (he did some programming in high school and built his own gaming computer). He may find that it is too challenging (given his lack of work ethic).

[flyingiguana]

As parents, all you can really do is help him talk through his choices.  You can tell him the down sides you see to various plans, and if you have a good relationship, he may benefit from that advice.

 

Or he may be breaking away and wanting to screw up on his own.  It's hard to watch, but it doesn't sound like he's doing anything really awful.  He's not in jail, not dealing drugs, not suffering from depression (?).  So it could be worse.

 

He may never go back to college and that may be just fine.  He may make his way without it.  Or he might take a couple years to get to the point where he wants to go back.  Colleges will still want him.  He may even get financial aid.  If he has good reasons for why college didn't work the first time (he wasn't ready is a good reason), and can prove he's been working responsibly or doing well at community college, for example, he probably won't have burned any major bridges.

 

I think the worst thing you could do would be to tell him he's really, really screwed up.  Then he won't even want to talk to you when he needs advice.

[Ottakee]

Will he have to repay the scholarship if he didn't complete/pass the classes?  that would be a big hit.........but if he isn't going to do, now is better than 1-2 semesters and more money later.

 

What are his interests?  Does the management thing interest him?  Does he like hands on things?  Outdoors?  Technical?  Computers?  There are a lot of jobs out there that he could attend community college or trade school for or learn on the job.

[Susan in TN]

I may be wrong here, but going to a university full time and working 30 hours a week is pretty tough. I know there are people who can and do manage it, but your ds may not be at that place right now. I do think it is good that he has a plan. That is a big step ahead of many who drop out of school.

[LucyStoner]

A lot of 19 year olds just need to live their life for a few years, learn from their mistakes. I left college for 2 terms when I was 20. I was working too much. Many young people will do better when they go back to school later on. I would try to see this as a bump in the road, not the end of the world.

[Okra]

Well, first of all, just because he was not successful at college right now, doesn't mean he won't be successful.  PLease keep that in mind.  My brother quit college when he was in his early 20's.  My mother was devastated, and couldn't see anything good in it.  Now, that he is 40, he is wildly successful, and no one would guess that he couldn't make good grades in college.  Hindsight is always 20/20, and it's hard to imagine the future right now.

 

But, it sounds like your son has many great qualities about him.  So, I would do my best to offer emotional support, even if it may be hard.  Maybe this college isn't a good fit, and he can find another.  I like Spryte's idea of looking into an exchange program.

 

This has to be a terribly hard time for him, I think you can do your best to emotionally support him as he does his best to make the right decisions for his life. 

 

Hugs, I know this is really hard.

[Spryte]

:grouphug:

 

Sounds like the exchange program is out.  

 

But take heart - my young adult who struggled basically wasted (completely) his first year of uni.  It was a disaster.  He's since graduated, though it took extra time, money, and a lot of pulling him along (he was somewhat willing).  If he'd had a work ethic or a job, then that would have been an option for him, too.  Your guy might just find that a gap year or two is good for him, and makes him want to go back to school.

 

FWIW, I took 4 years between high school and college - at 18, had my own apartment, car, fully self-supporting.  When I went back to school it was to ace everything, and graduate with multiple degrees and a 3.9 GPA, summa cum laude, phi beta kappa.  (All very useful for homeschooling, haha!)... don't give up.  :)

[J-rap]

Can you insist that he at least finish the semester?  Can you pay for one month's rent in an apt. if he finishes the semester?  (I assume you were helping to pay for some of his expenses anyway??)

 

The fact that he is planning, at least at this point, to attend a community college is a good sign.   An intense college life is not meant for everyone.  Some young people learn on the job, and honestly, if you feel he is motivated, maybe he will do well at that.  Four of my children are in college, but one of them chose not to go that route.  She is very smart and motivated.  She is kind of an entrepreneur and I believe she will do just fine without a college degree.

 

I also like someone else's idea of going on a semester abroad.  One of my daughters did not enjoy school, even though she was smart and capable.  She ended up going on a year-long abroad program (two different programs/countries for the two different semesters).  Her scholarship covered it, and one of them was even cheaper than what her in-state university cost.  It kind of inspired her to keep at it (her education), and she is graduating in three weeks in the school's honor program!

 

I don't know how to say this exactly, but we ended up doing things we didn't think we'd ever do...  almost bribing, but not quite that -- haha.  :)  Not with all of our kids, but with a couple of them.  It seemed weird at the time, but was the motivation they needed to continue.  I'm so glad we did it.  It was what they needed, for whatever reason, to stay motivated until they kind of got back on their feet again and developed their own internal motivation.  This might involve a college education, but it might not.

 

I definitely don't think you should just cut him off and not help him out at all, even if he takes a different path.  There are many ways you can still help him and keep him motivated;  it might be in alternative ways you hadn't considered before.

 

ETA:  None of my five children went to college directly after high school.  They all did it in their own way, in their own time.  I believe they will all be quite successful nevertheless.

[hornblower]

Not sure I'm the best person for this as my almost 20 yo is um, challenging me in so many ways. We're not the poster people for success in navigating through this stuff ..... But reading your story I'd say this:

-working 30 hours & going to school f/t is CRAZY. It's possible he's already burned out. If this is the case, the move to a smaller community college & living with you to save $ is a great idea. My kids are not expected to pay rent for living at home at that age. If it were my kids, I'd welcome him home if he were going to go to community college. I'd encourage him to take a lower course load, work no more than 10h/week (or not at all during the school year & only in the summers/winter break) & participate in hobbies/activities outside of school & work.

-I'd also offer & pay for some sessions with a psychologist/counsellor who specializes in life transitions, life coaching etc.  It is normal to find yourself adrift & kind of without a solid plan or direction or goals. But just because it's normal, doesn't mean you have to muddle through it all on your own. There are professionals who are trained in helping people sort through this stuff & get into the the 'what do I really want?' kind of work.

[Crimson Wife]

If it were my child, I'd be worried about a mental health issue like depression and would encourage the child to talk to a psychiatrist or psychotherapist before making any major decisions.

 

College can be a tough adjustment, especially for someone used to being a big fish in a small pond who is now a small fish in a big pond. I went through that and didn't really handle the insecurity in a positive way (I decided that since I was no longer "the smart girl", I'd be "the hot sorority chick" and spent too much time & money on my appearance as a result).

[Catwoman]

Ds19 is dropping out of the university at the end of the semester. He had a merit scholarship for tuition. He says he doesn't like it there, doesn't fit in, hates the dorm. We moved 2000 miles away last month, and his only friends are at the fast food restaurant where he works. He devised a plan to rent an apartment and go to the community college. I don't see any way he could afford that, and we will not help him.

 

I feel so sad. He is making life so hard for himself. We told him he could live with us (and pay some rent), go to community college here (he would have to pay at least until he proved himself). He thinks he will come, but he doesn't want to leave his friends. They are nice kids, but are going nowhere.

 

I'm not sure how to react to all this. Mostly, I am incredibly sad. This kid is great with the family. He actually likes to hang out with us (sometimes). He likes learning. He will actually watch documentaries and listen to npr on his own. He does great in his job. He got a raise right away, and they wanted him to become manager. But, when it comes to school, he isn't motivated to do the work. If we hadn't moved, I know he wouldn't be dropping out. I know it is his fault, but dh and I still feel somewhat responsible.

 

Any ideas of how we should handle this as parents?

Did he choose this particular college before he knew you were moving so far away? If so, perhaps he wanted to stay close to home, and then "home" moved away on him.

[Farrar]

If you're unhappy in your university/college, the sooner you transfer, the better. I was deeply unhappy in the college I chose. But by the time I started thinking about transferring, part way through my sophomore year, I realized that I would have wasted two entire years of tuition because the vast majority of credits wouldn't transfer. So instead I had to stick it out. And spent the whole time resenting it. I really did not get the most out of the experience. Part of the problem for me was that I also liked to learn. But the context in which I was learning was all wrong for me. And that didn't motivate me.

 

It sounds like a "bad" decision, but it also sounds like he's trying to find his way. He's working. He's not completely goofing off. This is one of the many, many reasons I don't want my kids to go directly to college and want them to take a gap year (or two) instead.

[happi duck]

*gently*

Please consider changing your focus to:
How can parents handle themselves when they don't like their young adult child's choices?

I'm in the trenches right now too and my child is already bombarded by our culture's opinions on college, launching etc. There's a lot of direct and subtle condemnation out there. I don't want to join in on that.

[NorthwestMom]

*gently*

 

Please consider changing your focus to:

How can parents handle themselves when they don't like their young adult child's choices?

 

I'm in the trenches right now too and my child is already bombarded by our culture's opinions on college, launching etc. There's a lot of direct and subtle condemnation out there. I don't want to join in on that.

 

I like this so much. 

[PeacefulChaos]

I honestly think that you should just stay out of it.  

 

Sorry.

 

It's his decision, and it isn't necessarily a wrong or bad one.  It's just not what you want for him or what you think is best for him.

 

I can't even say I'd call this a bad choice, honestly.  I just think he's made a decision that you don't like.

 

(please don't take that as harshly as it sounds - I do see where you are coming from.  But overall, I just don't think it's anything to concern yourself over, and definitely not to try to talk to him about.)  :)

[Cinder]

I may be wrong here, but going to a university full time and working 30 hours a week is pretty tough. I know there are people who can and do manage it, but your ds may not be at that place right now. I do think it is good that he has a plan. That is a big step ahead of many who drop out of school.

 

Yes, it is tough. Ds1 takes 12 hours at school (originally 15 but he had to drop a class in order to manage school *and* work) and works about 22 hours per week. He says it's pretty hard to have a life when his schedule goes over 22 hours (which at his work is 4 days/week). He's in his second year at college; he didn't work during his first year.

 

At the end of his first year he considered dropping out of school. He wasn't sure his chosen major was the right path for him. He ended up staying in school; the summer refreshed him considerably. We know a couple other young men who dropped out. One had the same reason as ds--didn't think his chosen major was the right one. He's now working full time. The other didn't like the school he was at; he's currently working full-time, trying to save up to transfer to a different school. They each had plans; we expected ds to have a plan for his future too, if he decided to quit school.

 

OP, I hope you're able to help your son figure out a positive path for his future. :grouphug:

 

[PeacefulChaos]

Sunflowerlady- management is a good idea. He's thinking of something in computers (he did some programming in high school and built his own gaming computer). He may find that it is too challenging (given his lack of work ethic).

He may end up loving it, though.  There are a lot of people out there who don't necessarily want to work hard at everything they do - they're single interest people, but once they find that interest?  They'll work their backsides off for it.  So you never know.  :)

[Joyofsixreboot]

You could encourage him to find a school that is a better fit and transfer there next fall. Or you could applaud him on his decision to take charge of his life and get out of a bad situation, and ask if he would like to know about other options once he accepts that mgrs job.

Yes, this. I try very, very hard to not give advice unless asked and never, never say I told you so. I also try to remember my dad doesn't like my life choices but keeps his mouth shut and I am grateful.

[Flowing Brook]

I am not trying to be unkind but why won't you help your son?  Why does he need to prove himself? I don't know he may be lonely from you all moving so far away.  It really does not sound bad to me at all what he is doing. 

[Catwoman]

Ds19 is dropping out of the university at the end of the semester. He had a merit scholarship for tuition. He says he doesn't like it there, doesn't fit in, hates the dorm. We moved 2000 miles away last month, and his only friends are at the fast food restaurant where he works. He devised a plan to rent an apartment and go to the community college. I don't see any way he could afford that, and we will not help him.

 

I feel so sad. He is making life so hard for himself. We told him he could live with us (and pay some rent), go to community college here (he would have to pay at least until he proved himself). He thinks he will come, but he doesn't want to leave his friends. They are nice kids, but are going nowhere.

 

I'm not sure how to react to all this. Mostly, I am incredibly sad. This kid is great with the family. He actually likes to hang out with us (sometimes). He likes learning. He will actually watch documentaries and listen to npr on his own. He does great in his job. He got a raise right away, and they wanted him to become manager. But, when it comes to school, he isn't motivated to do the work. If we hadn't moved, I know he wouldn't be dropping out. I know it is his fault, but dh and I still feel somewhat responsible.

 

Any ideas of how we should handle this as parents?

I keep thinking about this thread, and I have to be honest with you. If my ds was as unhappy as yours seems to be, I would be telling him to pack up his stuff so dh and I could pick him up and bring him home. (And I would not be charging him rent to live in his own home, but I know some families feel differently about that.)

 

And you also said you weren't going to help him. Why not? He sounds like a good kid. And you talk about his lack of work ethic, but I haven't heard the slightest evidence of that.

 

I'm not sure what you were expecting of your ds, but I feel sorry for him.

[Catwoman]

I am not trying to be unkind but why won't you help your son? Why does he need to prove himself? I don't know he may be lonely from you all moving so far away. It really does not sound bad to me at all what he is doing.

:iagree:

 

I just posted the same thing before I read your post.

 

It sounds like her ds isn't living up to her specific expectations, not that he is making bad decisions.

[Donna]

Sometimes it is difficult to watch our young adults making their way in life. My ds19 went to college planning to wrestle and take a full course load. He ended up deciding he could not put in 5 hours a day for wrestling practice, do ROTC, and do well with the 18 credit hours he was taking. He ended up deciding not to wrestle so he could keep his grades up and now has decided, since he is not wrestling, he will come home and go to community college then transfer to the local university to work and save money on tuition while following the same course of study. 

 

These decisions are his to make. We can provide recommendations, talk him through the possibilities when he asks for our input, and support him with whatever decisions he makes.

[Hikin' Mama]

 

*gently*

 

Please consider changing your focus to:

How can parents handle themselves when they don't like their young adult child's choices?

 

.[/quote

 

Quoting this, because liking it isn't enough. Our kids need us to support them (I'm not talking financially) at this point in their lives more than they ever did, imo. Even if they aren't choosing what we want. I speak from experience.

 

(((Hugs)))

[Bootsie]

Are you sure this is a bad choice?  One thing I have found difficult as a parent is knowing when to encourage dc to stick with something when the going gets rough (or boring or whatever) and when to praise them for recognizing and taking the initiative to make changes when they are warranted.  Is the school where he is now a good match--academically, socially, and emotionally?  Is his major a good match?  Is is housing (dorm) situation a healthy situation?  Have there been ongoing issues since he started?  Or, is this a decision being made while he is in a finals-are-approaching panic mode?  

 

FWIW, as a professor, I see a lot of students who are miserable in college. Many are energetic and hard working and would much rather be working than sitting around "thinking."  I think this is especially true for some who do not see a direct, necessary path from their college degree to a chosen career.  

[ktgrok]

He decided that he wouldn't go to classes the last 2 weeks (sigh). He wasn't doing great even before that. He thinks he can still pass 2 classes. The others, no. One was a small seminar, and the other 2 had a lot of assignments and quizzes. He still has that teenage brain fog- he just doesn't make logical decisions sometimes. We gave him the option in the summer to come with us and go to community college- or even take a gap semester to get acclimated, but he decided to stay.

 

As far as the manager's job, he didn't want to take it while he was in school, because it required a lot of hours. He was already working about 30 hours per week. If he comes to live with us, he'll have to find a new job. Change is hard for him, as is making new friends. We have moved a lot, and he has lost a lot of friends because of that. He still keeps in touch, but it's not the same.

 

Well, I think there is the problem. When you are a teen, still needing lots of sleep, and working that many hours AND trying to do school full time, something will give. When you are a teen, that something will probably be school.  That would have happened to me, for sure. Thankfully, i could get by working about 10-12 hours a week. Much more and I would have done what he did. 

[Catwoman]

Well, I think there is the problem. When you are a teen, still needing lots of sleep, and working that many hours AND trying to do school full time, something will give. When you are a teen, that something will probably be school. That would have happened to me, for sure. Thankfully, i could get by working about 10-12 hours a week. Much more and I would have done what he did.

:iagree:

 

The fact that he was working 30 hours a week plus going to classes doesn't add up to a poor work ethic to me. My feeling is that he was already working too many hours and should have cut back on them as soon as he felt his schoolwork was starting to slip.

 

Why does he need to work so many hours a week while attending school full time?

[ktgrok]

And it sounds like he may just need to find his niche. 

[Anne in CA]

It is hard to watch your kids grow up.  I am considering how our move more than a year ago negatively impacted my kids. My college age son really lost his momentum. A gap year was not good for him and he is struggling in college now that he's back. My youngest was very social but we moved where there aren't many kids her age and she is antisocial in some ways. But dh and I were very unhappy where we were living, and our financial outlook was not good either. It's just hard to watch your kids make poor decisions and know that some of it is your fault.

[happi duck]

*gently*

 

Please consider changing your focus to:

How can parents handle themselves when they don't like their young adult child's choices?

 

I'm in the trenches right now too and my child is already bombarded by our culture's opinions on college, launching etc. There's a lot of direct and subtle condemnation out there. I don't want to join in on that.

 

Ha, this is my first time quoting myself.

 

I posted this and then deleted it in a moment of panic.  I saw that people had quoted it and so I put it back.

 

After I posted this that same condemnation I mentioned fell hard on me..."I can't say that!  I'm a terrible mom!  I'm supposed to force my child to 'succeed'!  I'm 'letting' my child ruin their life!  What will people think of me if my child isn't launching 'correctly'?"  

 

In my heart of hearts I trust that my children need to grow and thrive in their own way but our culture still manages to worm its way in and wreak havoc.

 

I hope I can learn to be gentle with myself.  If this rings true for you then I hope the same for you.

[SparklyUnicorn]

FWIW, his decision doesn't sound terrible.  He could have decided to drop out and do nothing at all.  If he is unhappy and just doesn't think he can drag himself through, what can ya do?  Sometimes people just have to figure things out for themselves.  They won't take advice. 

 

 

[Cindy in FL.]

With lots of prayer, biting my tongue, and offers to help/be there for him whenever he needed us. It's not an easy time!

[texasmama]

In this instance, I would allow the young adult to make whatever decision he chooses, give options and opinions and always have a room in my home for him, letting him know he is welcome.  I think moving so far away may have thrown him for a loop, though that is not "your fault", just bad timing, you know? 

 

I took a year off of college mid undergraduate degree.  It was a rocky time, but when I returned to college it was with renewed enthusiasm, and my grades were much improved.

 

My parents did not always endorse my choices (and I made some really bad and dangerous ones as a young adult), but they always loved me and offered a room in their home and a soft place to land while I was finishing the process of becoming a responsible adult.  This action on their part made all the difference for me, and I am ever grateful.  I know it was not easy for them to parent me during my "wild years".  It paid off in spades later, though, because I became a responsible adult and a rockin' daughter.  :)

[kewb]

I have no advice as I watch my 16 year old make choices I think are just plain wrong and he is breaking my heart by being a person I don't much care for. However, as a ray of sunshine for you, my dh dropped out of college. He went back and finished his degree in his early 40's and now has his masters as well.

[TranquilMind]

Ds19 is dropping out of the university at the end of the semester. He had a merit scholarship for tuition. He says he doesn't like it there, doesn't fit in, hates the dorm. We moved 2000 miles away last month, and his only friends are at the fast food restaurant where he works. He devised a plan to rent an apartment and go to the community college. I don't see any way he could afford that, and we will not help him.

 

I feel so sad. He is making life so hard for himself. We told him he could live with us (and pay some rent), go to community college here (he would have to pay at least until he proved himself). He thinks he will come, but he doesn't want to leave his friends. They are nice kids, but are going nowhere.

 

I'm not sure how to react to all this. Mostly, I am incredibly sad. This kid is great with the family. He actually likes to hang out with us (sometimes). He likes learning. He will actually watch documentaries and listen to npr on his own. He does great in his job. He got a raise right away, and they wanted him to become manager. But, when it comes to school, he isn't motivated to do the work. If we hadn't moved, I know he wouldn't be dropping out. I know it is his fault, but dh and I still feel somewhat responsible.

 

Any ideas of how we should handle this as parents?

I'm sorry.  I think I would really suggest he finish the year.  Things may be so much better later in the year.  Some kids just take longer to "find their people".  I have one who threatened to leave one school every semester, but stuck it out and is very happy about that decision now.

 

Also, financially, if he took any loans or will owe any money at all, I would really focus on what impact that is going to have.  He may be hounded immediately for payback, if he did. 

 

Your moving probably had no effect at all on his restlessness.  People just go through this sometimes. 

 

I would encourage him to finish the year.    He isn't there to "like it".  He is there to get an education.  Some times are just more fun than others. 

[TranquilMind]

:grouphug:

 

Sounds like the exchange program is out.  

 

But take heart - my young adult who struggled basically wasted (completely) his first year of uni.  It was a disaster.  He's since graduated, though it took extra time, money, and a lot of pulling him along (he was somewhat willing).  If he'd had a work ethic or a job, then that would have been an option for him, too.  Your guy might just find that a gap year or two is good for him, and makes him want to go back to school.

 

FWIW, I took 4 years between high school and college - at 18, had my own apartment, car, fully self-supporting.  When I went back to school it was to ace everything, and graduate with multiple degrees and a 3.9 GPA, summa cum laude, phi beta kappa.  (All very useful for homeschooling, haha!)... don't give up.   :)

Me too!  I dropped out when my sister had an accident, got my own place, got a job....and then realized it was really a dead end in that job.  I went back, and like you, was on top of the Dean's list and got multiple degrees.  It's not over until it's over.

 

Of course, my diversion from the path was not as expensive as any diversion today is, given the ridiculous cost of higher education.  It was easier to do then. 

[Lolly]

First, why is he making a bad choice? What he is doing is NOT working for him. He is making changes to try to make things better. First, I would welcome him back into my home with no reservations..or requirements. Second, I would suggest that he either work full time or go to school full time, or do both as true part time. He needs to realize that working often turns into a full time job. That part time job that requires 30 jours a week or more...it is not a part time job. A full time student CANNOT succeed with that kind of schedule. The one good thing I took away from dd#1's college speaky thing where you have to go sit and listen before they sign up for classes....can you tell I lost a word?...was when the speaker pointed out that college is a FULL TIME JOB. If a student is planning on working in addition to school, they need to keep it down to 12 hours of classes. Then, they have to have a job that will allow them to be flexible with their hours in addition to not overworking them. That is rather hard to find. It is highly recommended that students be allowed to be students first and foremost. (The one exception would be working on campus. Those jobs usually fit the requirements a student will need.) 

 

So, good for your ds for getting out of a bad situation! The trick now is to hope he doesn't land in a worse one. He can make this into a positive move. The problem is staying out of it, being supportive, and by your support encouraging him to make it positive. (As opposed to just hanging around with his friends.) As far as encouraging, maybe you could tell him he is welcome to stay rent free at your home as long as he is a full time student? Also, while he is giving up his merit aid where he is now (sounds like he would probably lose it after this semester anyway), the money he will save will be made up with the lowered cost from CC.

[Lisa R.]

That must be disheartening to see a child talented enough to earn a merit scholarship and leave it behind. However, please remember this:

 

--19 is still very young for boys

--this scenario, bright student goes off to college and doesn't do well in school, is all too common

--he may need to regroup, work a low-level job, then get the motivation to go back

--he's still a bright kid with load of potential. He just needs more time.

 

I'd encourage you to let him come home and live there rent free. I strongly disagree with previous posters who say not to give him advice. This is just what he needs. You just need to say things here and there at the right time. No nagging. Lots of support and compliments are needed here. Build him up.  I underestimated how much coaching and guidance my young adult children needed. You are his safety net. Your home should be the refuge. Don't charge him rent. Make it easy for him to come home. It will be very difficult for you to guide him if he's living a long ways away. He wasn't ready for college (or maybe wasn't ready for college plus 30 hours of work) and that's ok. 

 

Poor choices actually look darker and more serious than this, so perspective is needed here. It's okay for you to be sad, though, but I wouldn't let him know your disappointment.

 

 

[Bootsie]

He decided that he wouldn't go to classes the last 2 weeks (sigh). He wasn't doing great even before that. He thinks he can still pass 2 classes. The others, no. One was a small seminar, and the other 2 had a lot of assignments and quizzes. He still has that teenage brain fog- he just doesn't make logical decisions sometimes. We gave him the option in the summer to come with us and go to community college- or even take a gap semester to get acclimated, but he decided to stay.

 

As far as the manager's job, he didn't want to take it while he was in school, because it required a lot of hours. He was already working about 30 hours per week. If he comes to live with us, he'll have to find a new job. Change is hard for him, as is making new friends. We have moved a lot, and he has lost a lot of friends because of that. He still keeps in touch, but it's not the same.

Given that he has shared this much detail with you, it sounds to me as if he is not just expecting to quit school and have you support him while he bums around.  It sounds to me as if he values your input and advice and hopes for your support in his decision  

 

Because the issues span all of the classes he is taking this semester, I would encourage him to consider spending some time working and NOT going to community college.  Why does he think his performance there will be any better?  If he is working more, taking care of an apartment, spending more time commuting and grocery shopping, etc. and isn't as entrenched in college life, I think it is likely that his classroom performance will not improve.  Being in college just to be in college, but doing it poorly, can close more doors than it opens in the long run.

[Annie G]

Ds19 is dropping out of the university at the end of the semester. He had a merit scholarship for tuition. He says he doesn't like it there, doesn't fit in, hates the dorm. We moved 2000 miles away last month, and his only friends are at the fast food restaurant where he works. He devised a plan to rent an apartment and go to the community college. I don't see any way he could afford that, and we will not help him.

 

I feel so sad. He is making life so hard for himself. We told him he could live with us (and pay some rent), go to community college here (he would have to pay at least until he proved himself). He thinks he will come, but he doesn't want to leave his friends. They are nice kids, but are going nowhere.

 

I'm not sure how to react to all this. Mostly, I am incredibly sad. This kid is great with the family. He actually likes to hang out with us (sometimes). He likes learning. He will actually watch documentaries and listen to npr on his own. He does great in his job. He got a raise right away, and they wanted him to become manager. But, when it comes to school, he isn't motivated to do the work. If we hadn't moved, I know he wouldn't be dropping out. I know it is his fault, but dh and I still feel somewhat responsible.

 

Any ideas of how we should handle this as parents?

 

I think some are reading the 'we won't help him' in the first paragraph and taking that to mean you won't help him at all. You said you're willing to let him come live with you, attend the community college, and work part time and pay rent to you. That sounds like help to me. You're just not willing to pay his living expenses for his own place.  I'm sure you're not planning to have him pay high rent- but we think an adult does need to pay something. It's good for everyone. He can feel good about contributing and you can feel less resentful if after rent  he spends the rest of his paycheck on video games. 

 

You also said he doesn't do well with change, and starting college and then you moving away is a lot of change.  Would he be able to stay at school if he dropped down to a campus job of ten hours a week, and then focused on school?  It might be that the second semester will go better for him...lots of students struggle with the first semester. 

 

It's  a difficult balance to know when to help and when to let them fly on their own.  Coddling doesn't feel like coddling until you wake up one day and the kid is 30 and still living at home rent free, but spending lots of money on themselves. Pushing a kid out might not seem mean until the kid totally fails and ends up truly depressed.  

 

I know it's hard for you- it seems like he had a sweet deal going on and just a few months in he wants to bail.  Bailing might be the best idea, or it might not.  And as a parent we just never want our kids to have a difficult time. Sorry you're going through this, and that he's struggling. Hope he bounces back and finds his niche. He's young...he will find it!

[JumpyTheFrog]

Is this his first or second year at college?

 

30 hours of work is too much. I watched a documentary a few years ago that featured people working FT and attending college FT. Nearly all of them dropped out and those that didn't had lousy grades. There isn't enough time to do both well and take care of your health.

[Reefgazer]

At 19, you have to accept that he is free to make his own choices and mistakes.  Honestly, if he wasn't happy at the school he dropped out of, then it's best he find that out right away and not waste any more time there.  It might take him a while to find his way and find something that suits him; it seems that's what he is doing now - finding his way.

Ds19 is dropping out of the university at the end of the semester. He had a merit scholarship for tuition. He says he doesn't like it there, doesn't fit in, hates the dorm. We moved 2000 miles away last month, and his only friends are at the fast food restaurant where he works. He devised a plan to rent an apartment and go to the community college. I don't see any way he could afford that, and we will not help him.

I feel so sad. He is making life so hard for himself. We told him he could live with us (and pay some rent), go to community college here (he would have to pay at least until he proved himself). He thinks he will come, but he doesn't want to leave his friends. They are nice kids, but are going nowhere.

I'm not sure how to react to all this. Mostly, I am incredibly sad. This kid is great with the family. He actually likes to hang out with us (sometimes). He likes learning. He will actually watch documentaries and listen to npr on his own. He does great in his job. He got a raise right away, and they wanted him to become manager. But, when it comes to school, he isn't motivated to do the work. If we hadn't moved, I know he wouldn't be dropping out. I know it is his fault, but dh and I still feel somewhat responsible.

Any ideas of how we should handle this as parents?

 

[Katy]

I expect a fair amount of that.  I'd encourage something that might help him grow up- a mission trip, trade school, or the military.  Sitting at home playing video games would not be an option.

[Laurel-in-CA]

I think "handle" may be the wrong word. You probably shouldn't do anything FOR him...but discuss pros and cons, cost of giving up scholarship due to bad grades, options for next semester/summer/next year. Lots of "I love you and I know you can figure this out in the way that's best for you and your future. Are you interested in information on xyz?" The thing to do is invest in encouragement not disappointment, in personal responsibility on his part rather than in parental direction toward a solution.

 

It's so hard to see our kids' choice, good or bad, as separate from us, but letting that go is the parental part of moving kids toward adulthood. Or as my brother tells me, "Sometimes all you can do is watch and pray."

[Mommyof4ks]

You say he built a gaming computer, but you did not mention what type of college he attends. If it is a traditional college, then he is likely bored. Those that like to work with their hands and are good enough to build things like that might do better at a technical college. We plan to encourage one of our children to go that route, because he is good at it. Try to steer away from tough love at this point, and focus on keeping communication open and giving him support to make the best decision for himself.

 

I made a lot of decisions at 19 that my mom knew were terrible and would end in a life that went nowhere, but now in my mid-thirties with a wonderful life, she can see where I was going. It may still work out fine for your ds, just not the life you thought he would have. Hugs, being a mama is hard. My youngest is 14 and just like me, so I fully expect her to go off on a path very different than I have in my head for her.