Post your first reaction to this:

[Miss Peregrine]

Spouse calls home and asks what you're making for dinner. You answer. Spouse says, "I don't feel like that. I'll get something on the way home."

 

This is not an isolated incident.

[*Inna*]

Depends on his tone, but honestly, I'm fine with that.

 

Edit: just saw your edit. If it happens a lot, I would sit him down and discuss a new menu maybe, or decide what days are "pick up food" days.

[Muttichen]

If I hadn't already started dinner, I'd take the kids and eat out.

 

[MomtoCandJ]

Tell him your gonna have tomorrow night then, my dh does the same thing :)

[Jean in Newcastle]

Dh does this.  It drives me nuts but I've stopped caring so much.  Now if he asked me to make something else that he does like, then I would care big time!  

[goldberry]

Were you already cooking dinner?  I'd be furious.  Before I started cooking?  Happy.  Unless we were on a budget and trying not to eat out, or something like that.

[*Lulu*]

Three questions:

 

Is he bringing home for everyone?

 

Can the finances handle the eating out?

 

Will food at home be wasted?

 

 

If the first two are yes and the last is no.......I would be fine. That is a common occurrence at our place. We've had our share of fights over the years about it, but I've come to realize that eating whatever mom is cooking is just not how DH was raised. His mom cooked sometimes 3 different meals to accommodated everyone. That he only wants to dump my plans once or teice a week is a huge compromise on his part.

 

Sometimes I still fuss a bit about it, but as long as we are not wasting resources or my time I try to roll with it.

[Amy in NH]

Um, no.  Rude and inconsiderate, and that doesn't fly at my house.

[Cinder]

Dh will usually ask if I'm already making dinner vs. what we're having. We've had a few times when he's out with one of the dc and they kind of decide they'd like a certain thing for dinner. But he always tells them that I might be making something and we might have that instead. Usually I'm making something that can be kept until the next day. Sometimes I'll do that; sometimes we'll have what I'm making and have the special dinner/takeout the next day.

 

Honestly, if he just said he didn't like what I'm making with no consideration to the effort I'd already put into it I'd be pretty ticked off.

[Miss Peregrine]

My reaction ? Nothing. It's not like spouse is demanding you make him something different, kwim ?

 

It's the grown-up equivalent of a kid asking if they can make a sandwich instead.

 

The only thing that would bug me if it happened a lot is the $$$.

Kids eat what I make. DH tells them "take it or leave it."

[Crimson Wife]

Had I already started cooking?

 

I'd roll my eyes if I hadn't but would be very annoyed if I were in the middle of preparing one meal and then DH decided to show up with takeout.

 

DH has a habit of asking me to buy X at the store and then when I ask him if he wants it, answering, "not tonight". So why did you specifically request I get it? I have a package of bratwurst sitting in my fridge now that he asked for but hasn't eaten yet. Nobody else particularly cares for bratwurst so the only reason we have it is because of him.

[Liz CA]

I think I would stop answering the phone...to me it - unfortunately - has the flavor of ungratefulness and not appreciating someone's efforts in preparing a meal.

Have you ever told him how this can come across?

[Miss Peregrine]

Three questions:

 

Is he bringing home for everyone?

 

Can the finances handle the eating out?

 

Will food at home be wasted?

 

 

If the first two are yes and the last is no.......I would be fine. That is a common occurrence at our place. We've had our share of fights over the years about it, but I've come to realize that eating whatever mom is cooking is just not how DH was raised. His mom cooked sometimes 3 different meals to accommodated everyone. That he only wants to dump my plans once or teice a week is a huge compromise on his part.

 

Sometimes I still fuss a bit about it, but as long as we are not wasting resources or my time I try to roll with it.

Just for himself. It's his spending money. Food will be eaten.

[regentrude]

The wording is ambiguous, since "What you're making for dinner" can mean what you are currently at this moment in the process of cooking, or what you are intending to cook.

If it is when you have already started cooking, it is rude and inconsiderate.

If it is about what you are going to cook, fine, no problem.

 

[elegantlion]

He could phrase the first part better, but I would love someone actually bringing home food. 

 

I was thinking about this today, actually. I hate to cook and now that I'm out of the house for two full days a week, I'm hungry when I get home. LIke today I didn't eat enough lunch and was "starving" in the first world sense of the word. But I also didn't feel like having what I knew was supposed to be for dinner, so I picked up something. 

 

I find that I am hungrier when I'm out of the house all day and that I am in a particular mood for something, not always what was on the agenda. If I were still married, I would probably eat whatever was served, but there would be days I'd just as soon get something else.

 

I would talk to him and set some guidelines. Like if you don't want my dinner, call by 3 or let's just plan take out on certain days that are stressful. 

[Miss Peregrine]

Were you already cooking dinner? I'd be furious. Before I started cooking? Happy. Unless we were on a budget and trying not to eat out, or something like that.

It's usually already in process.

[Night Elf]

It wouldn't bother me. I can enjoy my dinner without someone else being miserable with it. There are nights when I don't eat what I cook.

[Shellydon]

This would be an issue at my house if it happened often.  I would have him menu plan with me and/or demand that every time he 'didn't feel like it' he would pay for dinner for everyone.

[elegantlion]

Just for himself. It's his spending money. Food will be eaten.

 

Oh, so he's just getting himself food. That would be irksome. Do you do family at the table for dinner? Even more irksome if dad gets something different than everyone else. If he brings home food, it should be enough for everyone, imo. 

[marbel]

If it happened once in a while, and I hadn't started dinner yet, it'd be fine.   I'd prefer though that he include the kids and me in the plan -  not clear in the OP if that's what's happening or just Dad gets to eat out. 

 

But that would start a conversation about meal expectations.  In our home, he is the worker and I am the cook and housekeeper.  I don't generally make food he dislikes, though some dinners are better than others.  Maybe you should do a weekly menu that he agrees with and if he's not in the mood, he can eat it anyway.  I'm not always in the mood to cook, kwim?

 

Really, it's quite rude to say that food someone is cooking for you is not to your liking at that moment.  So, as I'm typing I'm getting mad about it.  

 

ETA: So Dad is getting food for himself because he's not in the mood for what you cooked, but the kids have to take it or leave it? Do they get choices too - as in, can they make a sandwich if they don't like what you made, or does "leave it" mean "go hungry?"

 

Don't know how old your kids are but teens are likely to be quite (reasonably) irked by that. 

[*Lulu*]

Just for himself. It's his spending money. Food will be eaten.

  

It's usually already in process.

This would piss me off.

 

DH uses his spending money to buy food for himself all the time, but always at lunch. He has never come home with take out for just himself. Often I will feed the kids and then eat with him whatever he's bringing home, (this happens a lot when he is working on projects or has late in the day meetings), but that just feels different to me than what you're describing.

[Wilma]

I'd be unhappy. Really unhappy.

 

For me it would feel ungrateful and rude. Do y'all talk through the menu for the week together? Are you taking his preferences into account ask you plan the meals? (I would eat TexMex 3x per week and be totally happy, my huz doesn't share the sentiment, so it's maaaaybe 1x/week)

[Ellie]

Spouse calls home and asks what you're making for dinner. You answer. Spouse says, "I don't feel like that. I'll get something on the way home."

 

This is not an isolated incident.

 

First reaction, for something that is not an isolated incident?

 

:mad:

 

So, how will the children learn to react to what you prepare, when they see their father treating your efforts with disdain?

[Tammi K]

Get something for himself or something for everyone?   If 'something for everyone' means I don't have to cook, great!!!   If he means he's getting something for himself, I thin there might be words said.

[Miss Peregrine]

First reaction, for something that is not an isolated incident?

 

:mad:

 

So, how will the children learn to react to what you prepare, when they see their father treating your efforts with disdain?

Thank you!

[Miss Peregrine]

Depends on his tone, but honestly, I'm fine with that.

 

Edit: just saw your edit. If it happens a lot, I would sit him down and discuss a new menu maybe, or decide what days are "pick up food" days.

I've asked him to help with the menu.

[jenn-]

Yeah, that wouldn't fly here. I already make more then one thing (my decision to become vegetarian didn't go over well here) so if I am making a dish with meat for him, he best well come home to eat it. He is a grown man, not a fussy eating 2yo, so unless it is something you know he really doesn't like, I'd be pissed.

[Cindy in FL.]

My Dh does this all the time, but he doesn't say that he doesn't like whatever it is. He just says he'll get a salad or something on the way home. It doesn't bother me because he doesn't usually eat with the rest of us anyhow.

[Word Nerd]

DH travels a lot and is not home by supper many times, so that scenario wouldn't bother me. However, it does seem rather inconsiderate under normal circumstances.

[Jean in Newcastle]

The result of years of this at my house is that if he comes in wanting something special and I don't feel like cooking, I've been known to point to the refrigerator.  

[Miss Peregrine]

I'd be unhappy. Really unhappy.

 

For me it would feel ungrateful and rude. Do y'all talk through the menu for the week together? Are you taking his preferences into account ask you plan the meals? (I would eat TexMex 3x per week and be totally happy, my huz doesn't share the sentiment, so it's maaaaybe 1x/week)

I've asked him to help with the menu. I don't make anything that anyone hates.

[marbel]

Idk, guys. Life has enough unavoidable stresses without making this into a thing.

 

I see what you mean but it really is disrespectful.  If my husband expects me to cook and my kids to eat, then he should be prepared to eat it too.  The exception would be if he is stuck at work late or something and we can't wait for him.     If my husband can't be bothered to show me respect for the things I do for the family, why should my kids?    It would be pretty stressful for me to have to wonder every day if the food I'm making is going to be OK or not.

[*Lulu*]

Idk, guys. Life has enough unavoidable stresses without making this into a thing.

 

I hear what you're saying.

 

I'm totally reacting from how my family would react. If it was a night where my kids anticipated us eating as a family and DH came in and ate something else or ate away from us, it would upset them and I would end up doing parental triage for the rest of the night.

 

If my kids didn't care I probably wouldn't so much either.

 

Unless it was something I like. Then I might still be pissy. And then he would hear about it.

 

If I had a pattern of behavior that bothered DH I would want him to talk to me about it so we could work out some sort of understanding. That road runs two ways.

[Laura Corin]

If I haven't started cooking, the food won't spoil and he's bringing enough for everyone, then it's fine.  If not, then I'd be peeved.

 

L

[Miss Peregrine]

I'm not that fussed. It's not worth having conflict over food. Kid wants to make a sandwich or an egg ? Kid who is old enough is welcome to go do that. We all have food preferences.

 

Re the not having conflict - eating disorders run in dh's family - I made a choice very early on in my daughters' lives that I would be neutral around food. I don't want any emotional value attached to eating or not eating. We keep food very low key and matter of fact.

 

My kids have free reign of my pantry/ fridge at any time. I don't make anyone eat anything they don't like. I don't even make them try anything for the first time. We all sit down for dinner every night. They usually eat after dinner if they didn't eat enough because it wasn't their favorite. I'm fine with that. This feels different. That's why I wanted to hear different perspectives on it. I do appreciate yours.

[freesia]

Spouse calls home and asks what you're making for dinner. You answer. Spouse says, "I don't feel like that. I'll get something on the way home."

 

This is not an isolated incident.

I would tell him that's rude. We would also discuss splitting dinner cooking responsibilities with an agreement that we politely eat what the other provides.

[VeteranMom]

I'd tell him that he needs to eat what you cook and it sets a bad example for the kids (to skip the meal in favor of something else).  If this is a regular occurrence, I'd sit down and do meal planning with my spouse.  

 

[Plink]

That would make me furious.  I don't care if you like it, you honor the effort of someone cooking a meal for you.  If it isn't something you like, then you make suggestions for the next week's menu, or offer to cook, but you NEVER say "I don't feel like" that and go to get yourself something different.  

 

Rude.

[bettyandbob]

my immediate reaction is "AARRG!"

 

dh knows I plan by the week. dh knows my planning is based on budget and time. Some meals can be made some nights and not on others based on extracurricular demands of our children and the additional demands that I've had to add working a few nights a week.

 

dh would never do this because of these reasons. But I also think dh would never do this because his father did it to his mother and he has recalled vividly the incidents. While his parents did not have big fights dh could sense the depth of the strife his father's behavior caused. He understood the disrespect.

 

[Cinder]

OP, I didn't realize when I posted that your dh was just getting food for himself. I know for my family our dc would be very disappointed that dad got food for himself and not for everyone. Getting takeout for dinner is a treat we share with the whole family.

[fraidycat]

Spouse calls home and asks what you're making for dinner. You answer. Spouse says, "I don't feel like that. I'll get something on the way home."

 

This is not an isolated incident.

Eff you. Feed your own damn self and your children. I quit.

 

For reals. I loathe kitchen/food duty. My DH knows to bow down at my gloriousness if I cook. ;)

[momacacia]

Incredibly rude. :-/. HE needs better training. Whether that's done through discussion and follow-up not answering his calls at "that time of day," it just should a be done.

[Miss Peregrine]

Neither does my dh, and I wonder if that's why it doesn't bother me as much.

 

I guess I do think it's rude to sit at the table with take-away while everyone else is eating home-cooked.

 

As far as what it teaches the kids ? My personal experience is that it taught the kids that dad has some food oddities. It didn't teach them to disrespect me, or the food I make. Nor did it make them fussy.

No food oddities, these are all meals he likes. He just doesn't " feel like it". I didn't " feel like" cooking but I did it anyway

 

He doesn't bring anything home, just goes out to eat by himself.

[Critterfixer]

I'm a pretty good cook, so my first reaction was "More for me." But I do understand the frustration. :grouphug:

[Haiku]

I would find it annoying, but I'd deal with it. He's an adult, and he can make his own choices about what to eat. Assuming that it wasn't cutting into the family budget, I would not raise a fuss about it.

 

My dh dislikes the fact that I meal plan a week ahead. He says, "I don't know what I will want for dinner in a week." Before he met me, his meal planning consisted of stopping at the store on the way home from work and buying what looked good. All these years later, that's still what he would rather do, even though he knows it's not practical for us.

 

Some people are just that way. I will eat anything at any time. I routinely eat dinner leftovers for breakfast. The rest of my family thinks that's disgusting. I wouldn't fight this battle with your dh, again assuming that you can afford for him to stop for something.

[UmMusa]

I wouldn't like it and I don't think he would do that.  If he doesn't like it he will scrounge around for an alternative at home. IF he suggested getting something from out, then he's have to bring for all of us because you can't have one person eating from out and the rest from home!

[TammyinTN]

Spouse calls home and asks what you're making for dinner. You answer. Spouse says, "I don't feel like that. I'll get something on the way home."

 

This is not an isolated incident.

If I hadn't started dinner...then no big deal bring enough for everyone....otherwise, get over yourself. 

[In The Great White North]

If he were invited to the White House for dinner, would he turn his nose up at the food and eat take out in front of everyone?

[Loowit]

I would be angry and hurt.  I put a lot of effort into menu planning and making meals. I think it would end the way it did when he complained about how I did laundry, now he does his own.  We couldn't afford for DH to grab take-out several times a week.  Mealtime has been a stress point right now in our house, though.  I haven't made one meal in over a month that everyone liked and would eat, and I am tired of listening to complaints.

[freesia]

I wouldn't like it and I don't think he would do that.  If he doesn't like it he will scrounge around for an alternative at home. IF he suggested getting something from out, then he's have to bring for all of us because you can't have one person eating from out and the rest from home!

Seriously! I would say, "Must be nice!" And I would quit cooking for him. Seriously. Going out to eat alone after you cooked and now have to feed 5 children by yourself is just plain selfish. Sure, I like to decide what I want to eat right before I eat it too, but I don't have that option bc I have 4 kids at home. And you know what--it isn't a huge sacrifice. Dh cooks twice a week and sometimes cooks weird combinations and sometimes doesn't do great at providing low carb for me. But I am so thankful he cooks. I eat what I can and grab a handful of nuts. I don't grab my purse and go out to dinner alone.