Guest Posted October 15, 2014 Share Posted October 15, 2014 This would not be fine with me. My kids are expected to eat what the cook makes, and I am not always the cook. If dh had his own program, I would feel that we did not have the cohesion that makes the "family meal" concept work. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted October 15, 2014 Share Posted October 15, 2014 I would be mad and feel it was setting a bad example for the kids. It is also taking time away from me and the family, if he is going out to eat alone instead of sitting down to a family meal. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elisabet1 Posted October 15, 2014 Share Posted October 15, 2014 Spouse calls home and asks what you're making for dinner. You answer. Spouse says, "I don't feel like that. I'll get something on the way home." This is not an isolated incident. I would refuse to cook and tell him to bring home for everyone. I USED to get this junk. It has ended. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HS Mom in NC Posted October 15, 2014 Share Posted October 15, 2014 To clarify, when I make a new recipe and ask everyone what they think, I never get upset when they tell me they don't like it in clear, uncertain, blunt terms. If at least 3 of the 5 of us don't like it there's no point at all in cooking it again. When I cook something a second time it's passed the test. Also, if it's one that only 3 people like, I serve sides that the others like. So, I'm not someone who makes things people hate and expects them all to choke it down with smiles on their faces. I think because that's the general approach I expect not to have someone derail or bail out of a meal already being cooked. My older two are not always at home for dinner-usually because they have an evening class, a date with a boyfriend or an outing with friends. We do expect them to be home (or eating out) as a family for dinner at least 3 nights a week so we still have some family time. The rest of the time they can make plans for dinner elsewhere since they're in a new stage of life that involves being out and about more. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*lifeoftheparty* Posted October 15, 2014 Share Posted October 15, 2014 . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Peregrine Posted October 15, 2014 Author Share Posted October 15, 2014 What was his reaction when you told him how unhappy his actions made you? I told him it was rude and asked why the kids have to take it or leave it but he doesn't have to? <crickets> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted October 15, 2014 Share Posted October 15, 2014 I think it's rude, and that it sets a bad example for kids. I think if someone is putting in the effort to make dinner, and that your family's usual routine is to eat together, then it's inconsiderate. In our family, if someone doesn't like what another person has made the effort to cook for everyone, they would still sit at the table, they would serve themselves at least a little bit to sample, but they'd have the freedom to make themselves a sandwich or heat up leftovers to supplement. (Without making a fuss.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lanny Posted October 15, 2014 Share Posted October 15, 2014 My wife would kill me. I eat what she cooks. She is an excellent cook. It is better for families to eat together. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Peregrine Posted October 15, 2014 Author Share Posted October 15, 2014 I would refuse to cook and tell him to bring home for everyone. I USED to get this junk. It has ended. How did you manage that? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*lifeoftheparty* Posted October 15, 2014 Share Posted October 15, 2014 . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted October 15, 2014 Share Posted October 15, 2014 And if I being completely honest? Consistently being derailed on his way home from work (even if it is just once a week) would make me suspicious, and I would consider hiring a PI, especially if he was even a little defensive. I know more than one woman who found out that there was more to a story like this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MiMi 4under3 Posted October 15, 2014 Share Posted October 15, 2014 I was going to say that it wouldn't bother me at all -- but then I saw that he stays out to eat the meal and THEN comes home. That's the part that would annoy me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
applethyme Posted October 15, 2014 Share Posted October 15, 2014 Spouse calls to say what is for dinner at our house my response is "what ever you are fixing." One nights I do cook he is very, very greatful. :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Happygrl Posted October 15, 2014 Share Posted October 15, 2014 Too tired, busy with something else, etc. He probably would still change his mind. I sometimes don't feel like what I have to make but it's already paid for so I suck it up. Then that would really bother me, too. If you don't like what I plan each week, PLEASE make suggestions! I love to take into account what my family desires that week, if i can make it work. But if they don't contribute anything and then choose to complain (directly or indirectly), that would bother me. I totally understand not wanting what I planned sometimes. If I'm really having an aversion to it for some reason, I may save my part and reheat it another night and heat up leftovers/make a sandwich after the kids are in bed. But going to get food for myself to eat? No. Are the meals you generally make things he does like but just don't appeal to him on certain nights? Or are you making things he genuinely doesn't like? Is he open to figuring something out for this situation? A way to compromise? Maybe having a few standard easy side dishes that you could add in (his choice of which one) if the main dish doesn't appeal to him that night? Then he could make a sandwich or something later on? Or is it a matter of not seeing a problem with the situation, so refusing to even discuss solutions? :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*lifeoftheparty* Posted October 15, 2014 Share Posted October 15, 2014 . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted October 15, 2014 Share Posted October 15, 2014 I asked DH the hypothetical. He snorted and said "Well yeah, that's when I'm meeting my girlfriend, right? Ha. I wouldn't do that unless I had a death wish. Wait, does some guy really do that?" I would feel disrespected and devalued. Planning ahead for alone time when it's mutually convenient, or needing some alone time after a hellish day is one thing. Randomly blowing off your wife and kids on a regular basis just because you feel like it? Nope. I would be pissed about the expense too, even though it wouldn't be a hardship. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Peregrine Posted October 15, 2014 Author Share Posted October 15, 2014 Then that would really bother me, too. If you don't like what I plan each week, PLEASE make suggestions! I love to take into account what my family desires that week, if i can make it work. But if they don't contribute anything and then choose to complain (directly or indirectly), that would bother me. I totally understand not wanting what I planned sometimes. If I'm really having an aversion to it for some reason, I may save my part and reheat it another night and heat up leftovers/make a sandwich after the kids are in bed. But going to get food for myself to eat? No. Are the meals you generally make things he does like but just don't appeal to him on certain nights? Or are you making things he genuinely doesn't like? Is he open to figuring something out for this situation? A way to compromise? Maybe having a few standard easy side dishes that you could add in (his choice of which one) if the main dish doesn't appeal to him that night? Then he could make a sandwich or something later on? Or is it a matter of not seeing a problem with the situation, so refusing to even discuss solutions? :grouphug: I don't make anything he dislikes. Just doesn't sound good to him. I spend a lot of time making a plan for things that he can eat( diabetes), shopping, preparing, etc. and fast food is better than what I cook? That's maddening. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted October 15, 2014 Share Posted October 15, 2014 Could you ask him to buy some frozen dinners that he likes to have on hand for those nights he doesn't feel like eating what's been prepared? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mamaraby Posted October 15, 2014 Share Posted October 15, 2014 I would find it hurtful - basically like he's living a separate life. My dh works non-traditional hours and sometimes doesn't get to eat dinner until after 11pm. Even on those nights, before he'd get something for himself on the way home, he would call and ask if I wanted anything. There have been times that dh wasn't super interested with what was on the menu for the day, but he'd be more likely to suggest that we feed the kids and then the two of us have something else together after they went to sleep. Dh and I are in this together...the OP seems more to me like it's every person for him/herself. But, yes, as other posters have said, it doesn't really matter of a bunch of people agreed with him or even you. It's clear that this hurts you and that's not ok. It's ok for this to be a thing for you and to expect that you both work together to fix it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*lifeoftheparty* Posted October 15, 2014 Share Posted October 15, 2014 . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Peregrine Posted October 15, 2014 Author Share Posted October 15, 2014 What? He's diabetic??? So am I- and eating out that often would be very very bad for my health. Honestly, and I speak from experience here, it sounds like he might have an addiction to the junk food/take out. Like, a real, cheating on you with food, addiction. Maybe it's not so much that what you are cooking is bad, but the desire for the junk is just so strong. Been there. I used to secretly get fast food while out running errands by myself.... I would stop at gas stations to throw the trash away because I didn't want anyone (even DH) to know, because I was pre-diabetic and overweight, and supposed to be eating healthy. It was hard. Sometimes, I just wanted it *so bad* I just HAD to stop. And I felt so guilty. Seriously, like I was having an affair with junk food. You might be on to something. Thanks for your insight and honesty. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fraidycat Posted October 15, 2014 Share Posted October 15, 2014 I just made it up then. . I'm sorry if I offended you. That was not my intention. We have different definitions of healthy, hence our difference in opinion on price. We don't do grains (rice, oats), legumes (beans, hummus) at home. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chelli Posted October 15, 2014 Share Posted October 15, 2014 Is your ETA to me? Hard to tell bc I'm on my phone but the 10 pm thing is not us. Sorry. It wasn't your post that mentioned the 10:00 pm arrival time. That's what I get for trying to follow this thread and cook dinner! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Peregrine Posted October 15, 2014 Author Share Posted October 15, 2014 Sorry. It wasn't your post that mentioned the 10:00 pm arrival time. That's what I get for trying to follow this thread and cook dinner! Ha! I am not cooking tonight. I am having Karamel Sutra. They can eat leftovers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fraidycat Posted October 15, 2014 Share Posted October 15, 2014 What I feel like doing is saying, " no, that doesn't sound good tonight" when DH offers something, IYKWIM. But I'm evil. I'm more evil. I'd offer to go elsewhere, too. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Critterfixer Posted October 15, 2014 Share Posted October 15, 2014 I do think it would be time for another honest discussion with him about how his habit of calling you to find out what's for dinner just so he can skip out on it is hurtful to you. I'd tell him why it feels that way to you--that you work hard to spend the money on food that he can eat, you spend time and energy preparing that food for the family and that you care a great deal about what you feed him and your family and that his habit of eating out like this is making you very unhappy. I wouldn't accept crickets. He needs to acknowledge how you are feeling and provide some feedback on options. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gaillardia Posted October 15, 2014 Share Posted October 15, 2014 I mostly wouldn't be making dinner anymore. Second thought is to have him tell me in a relaxed atmosphere what he likes that I do prepare for dinners. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
texasmama Posted October 15, 2014 Share Posted October 15, 2014 Could you ask him to buy some frozen dinners that he likes to have on hand for those nights he doesn't feel like eating what's been prepared? Essentially this is what has fixed our similar problem, only dh buys salad kits, prepared grilled chicken strips, and other things for his salad instead of a frozen dinner. He plans to not eat my dinner, and it does not bother me. We keep weird hours, and we see each other plenty because we homeschool, and he offices out of our house running a business he owns so all of us eating together every evening is not practical or as important as it might be for families with a dh gone all day. If I make something he likes and wants, he will eat it. I often opt out of my own dinner. lol I am really just cooking for the kids some days. Today, I made dal for lunch, which I knew dh and my oldest son would not eat. I also roasted some potatoes, which dh ate. I tossed a chicken sausage in a pan for older ds, and cut him some cantaloupe. Then younger ds did not want the dal so I ended up freezing portions of it for dd8, who loved it. I don't care that we eat the same thing as long as it is not too terribly much trouble and it is healthy. I think we are weird eaters. With my dh being picky and me having love and care associated with preparing food, it took us a few years to work it out. There are recipes I made for years prior to us getting married that I have not made in the past 15 years because he doesn't like them. Also, he hates the smell of fish and acts nuts when he smells it, opening all the windows and spraying Febreze in the trash can! So I pretty much gave up cooking fish or make it only when he is going to be gone (which is rare) because that is just unfun. Shhhh, don't tell dh but I made energy bites with raw oatmeal, pn butter, honey, choc chips, vanilla and chia seeds. The chia seeds would be a no go if he or older ds knew about them. They both ate them and liked them. Dh asked, "Is there anything weird in here?" which is code for "Did you try to sneak something healthy in these tasty things?" Nope, nothing weird. (Just chia seeds...only I didn't say that. Chia seeds aren't weird, are they?) I've become a weird person who sneaks chia seeds into stuff....darn picky eaters. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chelle in MO Posted October 15, 2014 Share Posted October 15, 2014 I'm not worried about anything unsavory going on. Your dh is the one who thinks something unsavory is going on! :lol: (I couldn't resist. Hope you don't mind. I'm sure you make yummy meals. :D ) I think he's being selfish, and I'd feel like you do about the whole thing. I can understand someone not being in the mood for a certain meal on a certain day, but when he acts on those feelings on a regular basis it seems inconsiderate. Occasionally, my dh has called me in the afternoon and asked if I have a dinner plan. If I say I'm making <<insert something he's not really hungry for>>, he might say he was just wondering because if I didn't, he'd really like to get Chinese food. I'll either tell him that I'm fine w/that and I'll serve the homecooked meal tomorrow, or I'll say that I'd really rather go ahead and cook/eat the meal I'd planned and ask if he'd be o.k. holding off on Chinese until the next day. For me, it boils down to knowing and respecting each other's personalities/preferences. If this is such a big deal to him that he won't change, you're probably going to have to change how it affects you or it will drive you crazy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Peregrine Posted October 15, 2014 Author Share Posted October 15, 2014 Your dh is the one who thinks something unsavory is going on! :lol: (I couldn't resist. Hope you don't mind. I'm sure you make yummy meals. :D ) . Thanks for the laugh! I needed that. :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chelle in MO Posted October 15, 2014 Share Posted October 15, 2014 Thanks for the laugh! I needed that. :lol: Whew! You're welcome! :biggrinjester: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*Lulu* Posted October 15, 2014 Share Posted October 15, 2014 Essentially this is what has fixed our similar problem, only dh buys salad kits, prepared grilled chicken strips, and other things for his salad instead of a frozen dinner. He plans to not eat my dinner, and it does not bother me. We keep weird hours, and we see each other plenty because we homeschool, and he offices out of our house running a business he owns so all of us eating together every evening is not practical or as important as it might be for families with a dh gone all day. If I make something he likes and wants, he will eat it. I often opt out of my own dinner. lol I am really just cooking for the kids some days. Today, I made dal for lunch, which I knew dh and my oldest son would not eat. I also roasted some potatoes, which dh ate. I tossed a chicken sausage in a pan for older ds, and cut him some cantaloupe. Then younger ds did not want the dal so I ended up freezing portions of it for dd8, who loved it. I don't care that we eat the same thing as long as it is not too terribly much trouble and it is healthy. I think we are weird eaters. With my dh being picky and me having love and care associated with preparing food, it took us a few years to work it out. There are recipes I made for years prior to us getting married that I have not made in the past 15 years because he doesn't like them. Also, he hates the smell of fish and acts nuts when he smells it, opening all the windows and spraying Febreze in the trash can! So I pretty much gave up cooking fish or make it only when he is going to be gone (which is rare) because that is just unfun. Shhhh, don't tell dh but I made energy bites with raw oatmeal, pn butter, honey, choc chips, vanilla and chia seeds. The chia seeds would be a no go if he or older ds knew about them. They both ate them and liked them. Dh asked, "Is there anything weird in here?" which is code for "Did you try to sneak something healthy in these tasty things?" Nope, nothing weird. (Just chia seeds...only I didn't say that. Chia seeds aren't weird, are they?) I've become a weird person who sneaks chia seeds into stuff....darn picky eaters. This made me laugh! I bought the Sneaky Chef books for ideas in dealing with DH, not the kids! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
texasmama Posted October 15, 2014 Share Posted October 15, 2014 Thanks for the laugh! I needed that. :lol: Usually she only makes fun of me. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jen500 Posted October 15, 2014 Share Posted October 15, 2014 Is he having a hard time managing the diabetes? I can't remember if you are the poster who previously mentioned this (about dh having a hard time following a diabetic friendly diet when eating out) I would have a bit more sympathy if that was the case, though I'm not sure what I would do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chelle in MO Posted October 15, 2014 Share Posted October 15, 2014 Usually she only makes fun of me. ;) I've been doing really well holding back this week! But yes, chia seeds ARE weird. I'm telling! :001_tt2: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
texasmama Posted October 15, 2014 Share Posted October 15, 2014 I've been doing really well holding back this week! But yes, chia seeds ARE weird. I'm telling! :001_tt2: Right this second he is shoving the weird chia seed energy bites into his mouth as fast as they will go. hehehe If you look closely, you can see them, but we have reached the age at which our eyes have gone bad so thank goodness for that... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted October 15, 2014 Share Posted October 15, 2014 Sounds like you are trying harder to manage his health than he wants to. Btdt. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Peregrine Posted October 15, 2014 Author Share Posted October 15, 2014 Is he having a hard time managing the diabetes? I can't remember if you are the poster who previously mentioned this (about dh having a hard time following a diabetic friendly diet when eating out) I would have a bit more sympathy if that was the case, though I'm not sure what I would do. Yep. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Peregrine Posted October 15, 2014 Author Share Posted October 15, 2014 Sounds like you are trying harder to manage his health than he wants to. Btdt. And another yep. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted October 15, 2014 Share Posted October 15, 2014 Perhaps not coincidentally, my dh who has done this is also diabetic. I'm not sure if his bloodsugar levels affect cravings or perhaps he just wants to go off the "good diet" once in awhile and splurge or if tastebuds are affected by diabetes. Sometimes his sugar is high and he doesn't want a "heavy meal" but just wants salad. Sometimes (usually) I have salad on hand. But sometimes I used it up at lunch time and I don't have any here. Or sometimes he wants comfort food and here I am feeding him rabbit food! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted October 15, 2014 Share Posted October 15, 2014 This man is making a choice to not eat at home with his family because he "doesn't feel like it". It is not the same thing as not being able to eat with the family due to work. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
albeto. Posted October 15, 2014 Share Posted October 15, 2014 n/m, just read about diabetes Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChristusG Posted October 15, 2014 Share Posted October 15, 2014 First reaction.....VERY irritated, for several reasons: 1. It's rude. 2. It's teaching the kids to be rude. 3. I'm taking the time and effort to make a meal for the family...one should be thankful for that. And it's teaching the kids to be ungrateful that mom cooks for the family if they see dad bring something home. Also, the kids may prefer dads meal, and then the whining commences. Or if dad does bring enough home for the kids, the meal mom made is wasted. 4. It's spending money unnecessarily. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unsinkable Posted October 15, 2014 Share Posted October 15, 2014 I don't make anything he dislikes. Just doesn't sound good to him. I spend a lot of time making a plan for things that he can eat( diabetes), shopping, preparing, etc. and fast food is better than what I cook? That's maddening. (((Amy))) I don't know what to say except I am sorry he is acting like this and hurting you with his choices. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amy in NH Posted October 15, 2014 Share Posted October 15, 2014 Till 10.00pm ? That's when dh gets home. Good for you if you can manage that. I think your post is quite rude. I am very happy that other families do what works for them. There is no need for any of us to be holier-than-thou about what works for other families. Yes, until 10:00pm. Your post assumes that families can't eat dinner together because one member (or more) gets home late. Not so. We make it a priority to always have dinner together. I don't think I have to feel bad about that. If you do then that's on you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
texasmama Posted October 15, 2014 Share Posted October 15, 2014 (((hugs))) OP I think you have gotten some clarity on this, and I hope you are able to come to a good resolution. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
school17777 Posted October 15, 2014 Share Posted October 15, 2014 First reaction: I would not be happy. I have been in this situation. My grocery budget is pretty tight and I do the best I can. It was frustrating when dh would decide he would rather eat out instead because it "didn't cost very much for one meal". My argument was that he should calculate the cost on the whole family eating out and then decide based on that cost (because it was not in the budget for the family to eat out as much as he was). I also think it sets a bad example for the kids. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted October 15, 2014 Share Posted October 15, 2014 And another yep. Is trying harder to manage his health than he does worthwhile? I considered it my wifely duty. I'm not sure if I do any more. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HS Mom in NC Posted October 15, 2014 Share Posted October 15, 2014 When my husband has something else in mind he phrases it this way: Him: "What's the plan for dinner?" Me: "I've got _________________ in the works." Him: "OK." or Him: "What's he plan for dinner?" Me: "Well, I was planning on making ________________ but I haven't started it yet. Did you have something else in mind?" Him: "How about I pick up a pizza/we go out?" Me: "OK! We can have ________________ tomorrow." or Him: "What's the plan for dinner?" Me: "There really isn't one. Any ideas?" Him: "How about I pick up a pizza/we go out?" Me: "OK!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unicorn. Posted October 15, 2014 Share Posted October 15, 2014 Kids eat what I make. DH tells them "take it or leave it." Just for himself. It's his spending money. Food will be eaten. I quit reading after page1, but I would be pissed, and tell him he is a giant ass. It's rude and disrespectful to you, and it sends the wrong message to your kids. I would also wonder if he were eating alone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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