Post your first reaction to this:

[fairfarmhand]

That would make me furious.  I don't care if you like it, you honor the effort of someone cooking a meal for you.  If it isn't something you like, then you make suggestions for the next week's menu, or offer to cook, but you NEVER say I don't feel like that and go to get yourself something different.  

 

Rude.

 

BIngo.

 

That would be my reaction.

 

I wonder if he would feel the same if he put in the time shopping, cooking and cleaning up.

 

I don't think many non-cookers realize that by the time the menu has been planned, the food has been shopped for, prepared, and the dishes washed that it's not just 15 minutes for supper to be on the table.

 

If I hadn't started supper, I'd not be annoyed if dh offered to pick up something for everyone. But we are weird about food here. We prefer home-cooked, more nutritious fare to most restaurant foods, and demonstrating that to my kids means that we sometimes eat stuff that's not our very favorite meal..

 

I'd stop answering the phone.

[catz]

I see what you mean but it really is disrespectful.  If my husband expects me to cook and my kids to eat, then he should be prepared to eat it too.  The exception would be if he is stuck at work late or something and we can't wait for him.     If my husband can't be bothered to show me respect for the things I do for the family, why should my kids?    It would be pretty stressful for me to have to wonder every day if the food I'm making is going to be OK or not.

 

:iagree:  To me, it seems equivelent to me calling my DH and saying while he's on his way home that I'm taking the kids out for dinner and he can figure out his own meal.  I would be extremely annoyed if I were cooking a family meal.  We have many evenings with kids on the go and we all kind of forage simple meals.  On a night like that, I wouldn't be bothered at all all.  Although, I would probably ask he bring me some.  :)

 

Part of my complaint is I LOVE eating out.  I would want the take out too.  I do like cooking and do cook well, but it always feels like a time crunch to cook a real meal.  My kids already complain enough about my cooking.  I don't need another adult doing it.  And I tend not to be super picky about kids eating everything I make either. 

[Haiku]

Seriously! I would say, "Must be nice!" And I would quit cooking for him. Seriously.

 

I cook so that there is nourishing food for my family. If they don't want it, that's their problem, not mine, and it means more leftovers for me. I'm surprised that so many people would make this into A Thing with their spouse. 

 

ETA: I really hate to cook and view it as a chore, so I'm not saying it wouldn't bother me because cooking is a joy or something. But really, I cook so that food is available, not so someone can gush with appreciation about my effort.

[HS Mom in NC]

If it's picking up food for just himself and not everyone else, it's rude and selfish. You can tell him to read my post if you like if that's the case.

If I haven't started dinner already then I'm just fine with it assuming he's bringing something for the whole family.  I don't like to cook and as long we have room in the budget for eating out or take out I'm happy.
 

I can't comprehend deciding something based on "I don't feel like it." There's quite a lecture from me on "I don't fell like it" if any of my family members is fool enough to throw it out there.  I find feelings irrelevant as a deciding factor in most things in life.The only things I feel like eating are chocolates and drinking  Mexican cokes.  I also never feel like cleaning or doing lesson plans. I feel like reading and quilting mostly but wives and mothers cannot live on books and quilts alone so as an adult I suck it up and do what I should because I should and let my feelings play a very minor role in making decisions about my actions.

[Rosie_0801]

"Bite me."

 

 

The only sensible thing I've ever heard from Germaine Greer was not to offend a woman's food gene. (I know some of you don't have one, but as a general principle I think this is a very sensible recommendation.) But food is my love language and I hate cooking, so "I don't fancy that, I'm going to eat out" is my equivalent of "your stretch marks are ugly." I mean, I get offended when people eat bananas in my car and tears come to my eyes when people buy me sandwiches from service stations.

[Critterfixer]

But if it is a thing that is hurting the relationship, it needs to be brought out in the open and discussed. And it sounds like it does hurt the OP, and evidently it would be painful for many people based on the responses. 

 

And I love to cook. Sincerely, truly LOVE doing it. It's the biggest highlight of my day when DH does the dishes after the cooking, though. Whether anybody else loves it doesn't really seem to matter that much to me.

[MFG]

 

I'd stop answering the phone.

This. Or just refuse to answer the question. "Come and see."

[elegantlion]

No food oddities, these are all meals he likes. He just doesn't " feel like it". I didn't " feel like" cooking but I did it anyway

 

He doesn't bring anything home, just goes out to eat by himself.

 

Wait, he's going out to eat by himself? That would piss me off because I spent years in a one car family feeling stuck at home. Eating out, unless it's lunch, is a family thing or if you're having a special night with friends (individually or as a couple). exdh never did quite get the fact that if I've been home all day, homeschooling and doing chores that I might want a night out too. So, obviously I'm projecting my experiences, but I find it odd to eat out alone just because you don't want what your wife is serving. At least take it home and eat WITH the family- which is irksome. 

[BlsdMama]

Dh does this. It drives me nuts but I've stopped caring so much. Now if he asked me to make something else that he does like, then I would care big time!

Yes. This. It happens once in a great while here that one of us will be really in the mood for something other than the plan. It's all fine as long as it doesn't require a lot of effort on my part. ;)

[BlsdMama]

Just for himself. It's his spending money. Food will be eaten.

Cough. Oh. I assumed I was getting takeout too... That would alter my positive attitude for the evening.

[Jen500]

Maybe I would put the meal back in the fridge and take the family to meet him at the restaurant. Is he eating out alone?

[Plink]

You know, as I consider this more I think I'd be just as sad about DH missing the family meal (spending time with us) as I would be mad at the insult of having him say that he doesn't "prefer" the meal I put effort into cooking.   Family meals are an important part of our family culture.  Sitting down together is how we bond.

 

I wonder whether families with the opposite opinion (the getting your own meal is no big deal camp) put the same value on everyone eating together.  Anyone care to satisfy my curiosity?

[Miss Peregrine]

Cough. Oh. I assumed I was getting takeout too... That would alter my positive attitude for the evening.

Nope. You get to eat and clean it all up with the kids. Cuz he didn't eat it.

[Laura Corin]

I don't have Rosie's food gene, so OP, that might explain my lack of care :)

 

Cooking for me is not an expression of love. It's part of the job description. Feed children nutritious food. Left to my own devices I'd cook myself toast and an egg every night.

 

I don't consider cooking as part of my wifely expression of care either. I have other talents :)

 

I don't like cooking either.  That's one of the reasons it would peeve me.  I cook most meals, even though I'd rather snack on veggies and a piece of toast.  And I try to make meals that everyone will like.  So I'd feel upset that I wasn't going out, that I still had to cook while he swanned off.

 

L

[Amira]

I wouldn't be thrilled about dh eating on the way home instead of eating with the family.  We don't require that anyone eats what I make for dinner, and I certainly don't expect dh to love everything I make, but if anyone is still hungry at the end of the meal, he (and it's always a he, because I always love dinner and everyone else in the family is male) makes something from what's available in the house.  Oldest ds nearly always makes his own dinner and that's fine with me.  

 

I appreciate it when someone comes up with a solution to his hunger without involving me, but it's important for our family to eat together.

[Haiku]

I wonder whether families with the opposite opinion (the getting your own meal is no big deal camp) put the same value on everyone eating together.  Anyone care to satisfy my curiosity?

 

We try to eat together, but we don't always eat the same thing. I like eating together. But it's not the only way to bond and spend time together. During hockey season, we often don't get to eat together because we have four people playing on five different teams + responsibilities to the hockey organization. It's a busy time for us, but it doesn't mean our family is diminished by not eating together every night.

[Danestress]

When DH is not going to be home, I tend to make easier meals. If this happened to me, I would be annoyed because if I knew in advance that he would pick something up, I probably would have made something easier in the first place.

 

But as long as he came home understanding that he still owns dish duty whether he ate it or not, I would get over it.

 

Or of it happened frequently, might start saying, "oh, pick up sounds awesome. Get it for all of us and we can eat this tomorrow."

 

That said, I really do try to cook things DH will like.

[Rosie_0801]

Idk. I do think we can have quite genuine food preferences that differ from those of other family members - I know in my house one dd NEEDS protein in meat form and cannot handle legumes, whereas another dd and I do better with the legumes.

 

As I don't slave over meals for hours, I don't cater for everyone's food needs at all times. If someone doesn't want the beef stew, I assume that's because their body does not need the meat load. If ds wants his vegies raw, I assume that's because raw vegies suit him better.

 

As long as the food preferences don't create extra work for me, I don't see the harm in allowing people to listen to their body needs.

 

Obviously, take-away does not fulfil a genuine need :) Unless it's the healthy, cheap, US kind!

 

Oh yeah. There's a difference between an individual body's requirements and particular tastes and "I don't fancy that" from someone who had the opportunity to buy whatever he wanted for lunch.  If you don't like reheated potatoes, I won't feed you reheated potatoes. If you're diabetic, I'll cater to that. You fancy roast veggies when I've made salad? Eat the damned salad if you want your life to remain free of reheated potatoes.   :mad:

 

Now I'm wondering. If someone's love language is music, do their feelings get hurt if someone plays music they aren't in the mood for? If it were me, I'd say "yo, would you put something else on please?" But maybe music love language people go "WAHH! She hates me!" the way I do over service station sandwiches.

[Plink]

it doesn't mean our family is diminished by not eating together every night.

Yikes!  I am so sorry if I gave the impression that eating together is better/superior/whatever.  I was simply curious about whether those who eat together for every meal have a different opinion from those who don't. 

 

Again, I'm sorry if I implied that your family is "diminished."  I do not believe that.

[Kathryn]

Incredibly rude. We eat together as a family. I don't make food people hate and if I do, I make sure there are leftovers that they like to eat instead.

[Rosie_0801]

But if dh wants roasted vegies and not salad, and I don't have to make the roasted vegies, I just don't care :)

 

I would be mightily peeved if he requested I make two meals or something like that - but if you are going to put the effort into sourcing the food, it's no skin off my nose.

 

 

You wouldn't care that his share of the salad would be wasted? Salad isn't so tasty after a night in the fridge. :ack2:

[AlmiraGulch]

I'd be aggravated, because I really don't enjoy cooking and he knows it.

 

If I weren't making food for him, I'd be more than happy with all of us fending for ourselves, or going out somewhere.  If he's not eating, I don't care to cook.  He should have said something in the first place.

 

Or, did he even consider that maybe the rest of you would have liked to have eaten out somewhere, too? 

 

It would bug me.  

 

ETA:  But honestly, I don't think that has ever happened.  There have been times, though, when I've cooked and then I didn't feel like eating it, so I had something else.  Definitely a double standard, but I think for me it's that if I put forth the effort doing something I really don't enjoy, then we can all suffer through it together unless it just doesn't taste good.  

[Murphy101]

nothing nice is my first reaction.

 

Which is probably why it's never happened.

 

I'd be stunned if my dh did that.

[Amira]

If dh's schedule didn't allow him to be home at the time we eat dinner, I would be delighted to have him eat on the way home so that neither he nor I would have to deal with food and cleaning it up when he got home.

[Laurie4b]

:thumbdown:

[Critterfixer]

I put value on eating together with extended family, more because that is pretty important to them. It is not a huge priority for me. I do tend to eat with the boys, and I like eating with DH, but it's just not really a bonding thing for us. The after dinner walk, now that! That is a bonding thing. 

 

What I really like, REALLY like, is someone coming over to my house, and me saying "What about a little something?" and having a fabulously delicious something to share. 

[Miss Peregrine]

What I feel like doing is saying, " no, that doesn't sound good tonight" when DH offers something, IYKWIM.

 

But I'm evil.

[skimomma]

I would not be cool with it.  At all.

 

But I do think this is just going to vary by family/situation.  

 

In our case, meals are a big deal.  The gathering together is most important.  My other issues would be the cost, waste, and nutrition.  The OP said he had his own spending money so the cost is not an issue.  In my house, it would be.  We have a very tight budget and meals out, even take-out, are a rare treat and are usually enjoyed as a family.  The waste would also be an issue.  This only really applies to meals that have components that cannot be reused or reheated.  But, the biggest is that take-out is generally very unhealthy.  While dh and I are ultimately responsible for our own food choices, eating take-out on a regular basis can lead to health issues.  I would be concerned if dh was choosing unhealthy alternatives to meals on a regular basis.  It seems he has to eat unhealthily often enough due to work and business travel.  No reason to do it when not necessary.

 

But those are all values dh and I share.  If we did not, then we would have to work on accommodating different values.

 

That said, anyone in my house can choose to eat something other than what I prepare.  It does not happen often but sometimes you just aren't in the mood for what's on the table.  There are usually leftovers available and if not, I do not even mind cooking something else up quickly.  If that happened often, I would mind and it would be time for a family meeting about meal planning and getting some different input from everyone.  I generally do not cook anything that everyone does not like.  When I do, an alternative is prepared for whomever has a known aversion to the meal in question.  

[MomatHWTK]

We seldom get to eat together and due to food allergies often don't eat the same foods as the kids. So bringing home take out would be fine (as long as he got some for me). Telling me he doesn't feel like coming home just yet and is taking himself out to dinner instead- that would be a serious error in judgment on his part.  :glare:

[sbgrace]

I would set up some kind of agreement on how often this could happen, both because of financial and health concerns.

[bolt.]

Spouse calls home and asks what you're making for dinner. You answer. Spouse says, "I don't feel like that. I'll get something on the way home."

 

This is not an isolated incident.

You want my first reaction, so I didn't read any other responses. I'm a assuming this is *my* spouse, in *my* marriage, with his usual personality and his own track record (except, as stipulated, he has done this before), and our current financial situation. I'm also assuming that this happened "just now" -- I happen not to have started supper, I just have a general plan.

 

My first reaction: "This must matter an unusual amount, since he made a specific call. I guess either (a) he's feeling sick and wants something comforting and familiar, ( b ) a friend asked if he wanted to catch a bite, and he was proceeding whether or not to do so... Or something like that."

 

I would have a small urge to be accommodating and offer to swap my planned (but not started) meal for another idea -- perhaps tomorrow's plan, or something simple.

 

I would feel slightly rejected, sad or piqued -- but that might be worse on a worse day.

 

Otherwise I'd be fine with it, and encourage him not to be long -- so that he could be 'at supper' (or dessert) even if he wasn't eating. (I'd be upset if 'stopping to get something' meant that he would be significantly late, and miss out on parenting/family time.)

 

(If I'd already started, I'd be miffed about leftovers/waste and firmly let him know that I appreciate decent warning if someone is not requiring a serving of a meal I'm putting work into. I'd clairify a "by when" timeframe.)

 

Later I might ask (for future reference) if he'd prefer me to modify or drop that meal, or if he'd like fair warning to fend for himself on nights that it occurs.

[DawnM]

The only time DH doesn't eat what I make is when we have salmon since he doesn't like salmon.  Otherwise, he doesn't even ask what I am cooking, he will just eat it.

 

I can't imagine him asking or bringing home something, but he is an accountant and picking something up cost money!  :lol:

 

However, that isn't what you were asking.  I would be a bit upset and ask that he figure out the menu with me for the week so that I didn't go to the trouble of preparing it if he wouldn't eat it.

[Miss Peregrine]

But if it really doesn't sound good, that's exactly what you should say.

 

And you're bothered by your husband not wanting the food you made, tell him so. And stop cooking when you don't wanna cook.

I understand what you're saying but I never want to cook anymore because of crap like this. If I don't want to cook, what will the kids eat?

 

I kind of feel like he works, I stay home. And feeding people is part of my job. If that's how we decided to divide it up, then he should accept what I offer.

 

ETA: I used to really love cooking. Complaining husband and kids have ruined it for me.

[fraidycat]

Phhh we're a military family. We see him when his job can spare him, which is rarely. Getting worked up about supper is not an option. And anyway, yeah, I'm with the kids all dag on day. This is not a complaint, they are perfect and so am I, but the whole thing in popular culture right now about sitting down for dinner together being THE THING YOU MUST DO just doesn't apply here imo.

Supper together always Does not apply at our house for the most part, either. We are also military. DH is usually on night shift.

 

That said, if and when we DO get the chance to eat together, IF *I* cook, DH better be prepared to eat it. He is the least picky food person and least self-centered person I know, so I can't imagine him ever choosing to eat out alone if there was a meal at home. That said, OP asked for my immediate reaction in her situation and mine would still be "Eff You Dude, I quit." I loathe the planning, picking up, and prep of food that much. I'd rather clean toilets 3 times a day than feed people.

 

This man is making a choice to not eat at home with his family because he "doesn't feel like it". It is not the same thing as not being able to eat with the family due to work.

[MomatHWTK]

I understand what you're saying but I never want to cook anymore because of crap like this. If I don't want to cook, what will the kids eat?

 

I kind of feel like he works, I stay home. And feeding people is part of my job. If that's how we decided to divide it up, then he should accept what I offer.

 

 

It might make you happier if you changed the 'you always cook' part.  Staying home and teaching is a lot of work even without the housework.  DH actually get union required breaks through the day and nobody ever comes looking for him in the bathroom.  If he wants to meet a friend for lunch or go with work buddies, he gets to go AND to the restaurant of his choice (as long as he's back on time).  He even gets paid!  I have no guilt letting him do some cooking and dishes at home. 

[skimomma]

I don't understand this. We eat *very* cheaply and *very* healthfully. I still don't cook when I don't feel like it. 

 

I have a very small family yet spend 2-4 hours in the kitchen each day (including advance prep, clean up, and the actual assembling of each meal).  Three meals, including one "to go" for dh's daily lunch take time.  Dd is still too inexperienced in the kitchen to do much more than the basics.  She does typically cook one dinner per week but I would guess that it takes more of my time to supervise, help, rescue, and "reclean" than it would to cook it myself.  I have been trying for years to find a way to have very cheap and very healthy food without very much of my time.....  I really don't think it is possible.  Just the time it takes to manage and process the garden vegetables easily takes (on average) an hour of my time each day in the summer.

[Mama Geek]

My husband would not do that.

[Critterfixer]

Have you told him how this habit he's developed is really hurting you? :grouphug:

[prairiewindmomma]

If dh were to only take himself out to dinner, and not bring home food for us, that would be a very.big.problem. In fact, dh knows that he should never, ever, ever say those words. If he wants to help himself to a bowl of cereal or a sandwich (that he makes and cleans up) after the meal, fine....but in our family culture, that behavior would be addressed immediately in discussion with pointed words.

 

 

[Miss Peregrine]

Have you told him how this habit he's developed is really hurting you? :grouphug:

Yes. More than once. I pretty much flew off the handle. That's why I posted here to see if I was off base.

[fraidycat]

I have a very small family yet spend 2-4 hours in the kitchen each day (including advance prep, clean up, and the actual assembling of each meal). Three meals, including one "to go" for dh's daily lunch take time. Dd is still too inexperienced in the kitchen to do much more than the basics. She does typically cook one dinner per week but I would guess that it takes more of my time to supervise, help, rescue, and "reclean" than it would to cook it myself. I have been trying for years to find a way to have very cheap and very healthy food without very much of my time..... I really don't think it is possible. Just the time it takes to manage and process the garden vegetables easily takes (on average) an hour of my time each day in the summer.

This.

 

Cheap and healthy are oxymorons, IMO. Without prep time, not possible.

[bolt.]

I understand what you're saying but I never want to cook anymore because of crap like this. If I don't want to cook, what will the kids eat?

 

I kind of feel like he works, I stay home. And feeding people is part of my job. If that's how we decided to divide it up, then he should accept what I offer.

 

ETA: I used to really love cooking. Complaining husband and kids have ruined it for me.

Kids you can train. You teach them all day long, surely basic and advanced table manners can make it on to the curriculum -- if it matters to you, it matters. And it sure sounds like it matters to you.

 

Get back to the cooking you love, and fill in the blanks with a rotation of cold sandwiches, canned beans and scrambled eggs. You sail this ship. If it isn't working for you this way, make some choices until it's different.

 

As for take-out, in your shoes I'd say, "That would be lovely. Please pick up xyz for me, and whatever else for each kid. I'll pop this in the fridge for lunch tomorrow." (If you do it consistently, he will get the picture that he needs to share the privilidges of eating out with his whole family -- and count the cost of doing so.)

[HRAAB]

If it happened repeatedly, it would irritate me, but I would let it go. Not worth an argument with dh. However, if our finances were tight, then I would say something. My dh doesn't do this, do I'm assuming this is how I would react. Also, dh and I have been married for 29 years so I know his likes and dislikes. If I'm making something he really dislikes, like bbq, I let him know do he can get himself something else.

 

Of course, if I'm already in a bad mood, that could be the last straw.

[Critterfixer]

It wouldn't matter if everyone in the world felt that skipping out to eat take out when a meal had been prepared was okay. It is hurting you.  :grouphug: And that's not okay.

[Scrub Jay]

I would be annoyed and hurt.

[texasmama]

That strikes me as rude.  My dh would not say that.  He might not eat what I make, but he would not announce that he is going somewhere to get himself something different from the rest of the family.  My dh is a picky eater, so I am used to him not eating everything I cook.  He most often will make himself a salad with grilled chicken, and he goes to the grocery store every week to get what he wants for his own salad fixings.  This has actually solved problems and hurt feelings on my part.  I cook mostly for the kids, and sometimes we will all eat what I make, but I have let go of the expectation that dh will eat my meals.  He does not ask what I am making first, though, and declare it wanting and go get something else while the rest of us eat my meal, though.

[Miss Peregrine]

Kids you can train. You teach them all day long, surely basic and advanced table manners can make it on to the curriculum -- if it matters to you, it matters. And it sure sounds like it matters to you.

 

Get back to the cooking you love, and fill in the blanks with a rotation of cold sandwiches, canned beans and scrambled eggs. You sail this ship. If it isn't working for you this way, make some choices until it's different.

 

As for take-out, in your shoes I'd say, "That would be lovely. Please pick up xyz for me, and whatever else for each kid. I'll pop this in the fridge for lunch tomorrow." (If you do it consistently, he will get the picture that he needs to share the privilidges of eating out with his whole family -- and count the cost of doing so.)

Thank you, really.

[amy g.]

I haven't read any other answers so I can give you my first response. I'd say,"Great, bring me some too." Then every evening, I'd call him and ask," What are you bringing me tonight?"

 

Now I'm off to read up thread.

[Amy in NH]

Well, dh doesn't eat with us. He's home a lot later than we can hold dinner. So no, I don't place the same value on eating together.

 

I see the kids almost 24/7. It's not a 'coming together at the end of the day' thing. Sometimes it's an 'any more togetherness and I will scream' thing.

 

We do enjoy eating together at my Mum and Dad's. That's nice and something we value.

 

Unless someone will be gone overnight we hold dinner until everyone is home so that we can eat together as a family every night.

[Melinda in VT]

My first reaction would be to stop considering him when I plan meals and cook. I'd make dinners as simple as I wanted, with lots of Fend for Yourselves nights.

 

In my family, eating dinner together is a big deal, but if you are with the kids all day (mine are in ps) and your husband isn't coming home for dinner and you hate cooking . . . I'd do what makes you happy.

 

You can always go back to the old way of doing things if the new way doesn't work.