Post your first reaction to this:

[elegantlion]

I understand what you're saying but I never want to cook anymore because of crap like this. If I don't want to cook, what will the kids eat?

 

I kind of feel like he works, I stay home. And feeding people is part of my job. If that's how we decided to divide it up, then he should accept what I offer.

 

ETA: I used to really love cooking. Complaining husband and kids have ruined it for me.

 

:grouphug:  I've never liked cooking. One of my last straw meals was when I called exdh (not ex then) to bring home some hamburger otherwise he would get hot dogs for dinner as that was the only meat in the house (he's a meat and potatoes kind of guy). He didn't stop, we had one car and I was tired by the time he got home so I wasn't running back out. Then he complained loudly and worse than a toddler during the meal. It really ruined the idea of quality family meal time for me. It's not the reason he's an ex, but it's something I glad will never be repeated. 

 

So, at least he's fending for himself, that might be a plus.  :tongue_smilie:

 

But yes, ds and I do simple meals, I rarely "cook" now. We don't do a lot of meat and we eat very differently now. If ex was still around and fending for himself on certain nights, I would not feel the urge to do a regular meal. Kids are flexible, remember Bill Cosby and chocolate cake? 

[kewb]

That was the first year of my marriage. A few years ago my husband asked why I never cook for him. I reminded him of that first year.

I cook what I like and he is welcome to partake or make his own.

[SproutMamaK]

If it were a one time thing, I'd think "okay, he's had a hard day and wants something special for himself. I'll try to have the house stress-free when he gets home."

If it were a habit, I would be SO. ANGRY. Nothing like a husband consistently brushing off his wife's constant efforts to provide for the family to eat away at a marriage. After the first few, when I realized it wasn't a "I've really had a rough day" sort of treat for himself, I would be shocked and hurt. Very soon after that realization I would probably become very very bitter.

[In2why]

I was fine until I realized he was just getting food for himself. If he calls can you say great, grab some for the kids and me, and I will put this away until tomorrow night?

 

My question is what do you say? Men are not mind readers so he won't know this is a problem unless you tell him. I would ask him how he would feel if he decided to build the family a birdhouse and half way through you bought one and brought it home. If he doesn't build, something comparable.

[In2why]

I was fine until I realized he was just getting food for himself. If he calls can you say great, grab some for the kids and me, and I will put this away until tomorrow night?

 

My question is what do you say? Men are not mind readers so he won't know this is a problem unless you tell him. I would ask him how he would feel if he decided to build the family a birdhouse and half way through you bought one and brought it home. If he doesn't build, something comparable.

[HomeschoolMamaOfTwo]

Nope!

[skimomma]

I just made it up then.

 

 

Arcticmama~ We eat no prepacked food. We *do* eat very plainly. Soaked oatmeal with butter and honey or butter and frozen, dehydrated blueberries every morning. No juice. Lunch is sometimes beans and rice. Meaning: beans. And Rice. Not jumbalaya or something...with a serving of fruit and a slice of cheese....or more often The Big Salad. And dinners are usually soup (crock pot), or rice and beans, or rice and red meat. Or chicken (crock pot) and either raw or lightly cooked veggies, or eggs and veggies. I keep fermented veggies going and once in a blue moon I make home-made bread or grain-free banana bread. We snack, as such, on cucumbers and hummus usually, or hard-boiled eggs...and the kids eat more fruit than I do. The kids can make their own eggs, do the oatmeal themselves and clean and cut their own veggies.

 

This sounds like significant time in the kitchen though.  You have to soak and cook that oatmeal, soak and cook the rice and beans, wash, chop up, and spin the salad, make the salad dressing, wash an chop everything for the soup, wash and cut up raw veggies (and the fermented ones too), make the hummus, boil the eggs, peel the eggs (the worst part), etc......  I count all of that as "cooking" so that might be where we differ in opinion.  But I guess little of it is really the cooking-with-heat part.  It actually sounds very similar to how we do food.  I would guess only 10% of my "cooking" time involves the stove.  It is the washing, cutting up, refrigerator Tetris, and cleaning up that sucks up most of what I call "cooking time."

[Cafdog]

Yep, I'd be annoyed. 

 

[*Alyssa*]

Armageddon would start and he'd ask the rocks to fall on him.  But my dh wouldn't do that.  Eating meals together is part of our love language.

It doesn't matter what anyone else would do.  If it hurts you, then it matters to your relationship.  I'm really sorry this is happening to you.  :(  :grouphug:

[Jean in Newcastle]

In my case, with my husband, I do think he was rude when we ate all together.  But I couldn't force him to stop and I didn't have the energy to fight about it.  So I decided to put it in the "not my problem" category.  In dh's case, the rules about meal prep for him kept changing.  One minute he'd tell me that he was not having corn in his diet.  Then he'd ask me why I never served corn.  Another time he'd tell me that he would not eat something else.  Then we'd eat out and guess what he ordered?  So I cooked what I wanted with the ingredients that I had and the time that I had (ie. I wasn't going to put in a turkey if I didn't have time to cook a turkey).

 

 Actually, I've stopped cooking so much lately.  My chronic illness only gives me so much energy and I can't cook all the  time and do school.  Doing school is non-negotiable at this time so guess what becomes negotiable?  My kids are teens and they cook.  Sometimes they cook for all of us.  Sometimes we all cook simple things for ourselves.  Sometimes we have deli type foods.  Sometimes we will have leftovers.  If dh wants something new when we're having leftovers then he's welcome to either cook himself something new (not usually going to happen) or go buy it somewhere else.  Plus - dh now works swing shift so he doesn't eat any meals when the rest of us do.  Dh was wanting hot food available at 11:30 pm when he comes home.  I do try to have some food available even if he has to heat it up.  If he doesn't want to heat it up then and wants to bring something home or take out a frozen dinner to pop in the microwave then that's fine with me.  

[Amira]

I just made it up then.

 

 

Arcticmama~ We eat no prepacked food. We *do* eat very plainly. Soaked oatmeal with butter and honey or butter and frozen, dehydrated blueberries every morning. No juice. Lunch is sometimes beans and rice. Meaning: beans. And Rice. Not jumbalaya or something...with a serving of fruit and a slice of cheese....or more often The Big Salad. And dinners are usually soup (crock pot), or rice and beans, or rice and red meat. Or chicken (crock pot) and either raw or lightly cooked veggies, or eggs and veggies. I keep fermented veggies going and once in a blue moon I make home-made bread or grain-free banana bread. We snack, as such, on cucumbers and hummus usually, or hard-boiled eggs...and the kids eat more fruit than I do. The kids can make their own eggs, do the oatmeal themselves and clean and cut their own veggies.

 

 

Even when I was cooking in a kitchen with no plumbing (as in every drop of water had to be carried in and out of that kitchen, and if we wanted to drink it, I had to boil it), no appliances except for a fridge and stove, and shopping in a market with no convenience foods available (except that I could buy flatbread instead of baking it), I still wasn't spending 4 hours a day just on meals.  Not even close- you'd have to add in the time I spent shopping to get to that number since I didn't have a car and walked to the bazaar every day in an often-futile attempt to find pasteurized milk.  It took longer to do the dishes since I had to haul the water in and heat it, of course, but we simplified greatly and still ate healthy food.  You would be impressed at the number of things I can do with a cabbage.   :)

 

I do think cooking inexpensive, healthy food takes some time, especially if you want some variety (because really, OKBud, I can't do straight beans and rice ;)), but it doesn't have to be all-consuming.  And it often doesn't require a lot of active time in the kitchen.  It took me 2.5 hours to make bread today, but only about 30 minutes of it was active time, and that including grinding wheat and flax seeds. 

[hornblower]

Honestly, my reaction would be "ok!"

The only time it would not be is we had discussed me making something & I was making it esp for the spouse & it was something I don't even like. Otherwise, meh. I'm a picky eater, I hate cooking so if I'm cooking, it's something I actually want. I don't care what other people eat.

[Guest level2mommy]

Were you already cooking dinner?  I'd be furious.  Before I started cooking?  Happy.  Unless we were on a budget and trying not to eat out, or something like that.

 

Definitely this. I think it's rude. I would be particularly upset if I was having a rough day and hadn't wanted to cook dinner anyway but had already done all/almost all of the work. 

[happi duck]

It wouldn't matter if everyone in the world felt that skipping out to eat take out when a meal had been prepared was okay. It is hurting you. :grouphug: And that's not okay.

Yes. This. I totally agree!

[T'smom]

I would be pissed. But I cannot imagine my dh doing that.

[texasmama]

The other thing that would bother me is the outlay of money.  As the only cook in our house and also as the person who mananging our food budget, I go to a lot of time and trouble to buy healthy food at the best price possible and then to prepare it and serve it.  Eating out is significantly more expensive than eating at home, and I would resent that I went to the time and trouble to save money and cook healthy meals (and then had to clean up afterwards) while dh got to skip the unfun part of food prep, throw money to the wind and eat whatever suited his fancy.  That is not the way either dh or I make choices in our marriage.

 

If you have tons of money or if dh is using all of his "mad money" (maybe each of you gets a certain amount per month or something), then that would relieve the money part of it, but I still think it is rude.

 

In the past, I was the only one who went to the grocery store.  At some point in the past few years, dh decided he wanted to go and buy things he wanted to eat.  I was fine with this, but soon he was spending up to 20% of our grocery budget per month on these items and other things that he thinks the kids would like or "chicken was on sale", etc.  And that did not leave me enough left to manage.  If he was sharing the cooking, that would make more sense, and I think he was trying to be helpful but it was a problem.  I had to ask him to please cease and desist doing the family grocery shopping and also to please call me when he is there because I might need something.  (He still usually forgets to call me, but we did solve the other issues so I don't worry about it.)

[Danestress]

I never feel like cooking. I honestly only cook to please others. When I lived alone, I got take out Vietnamese three nights a week. I was happy to buy a salad or just eat a banana and call that 'dinner.' I was thin and happy, and I read a ton:)

 

I cook to please DH and our kids. I cook more some nights and skip it others. I feel free to 'not feel like it' now and then. But our general division of labor is that I plan, shop for, and prepare meals.

 

He cleans them up. He doesn't just wash the dishes when he feels like it or go to work when he feels like it. I actually have more freedom to slack off than he does. But neither of is feels free to entirely suit ourselves.

[Paige]

I would quit including him in my dinner plans. I would cook for myself and the kids and not even include portions for him in my calculations. He would be on his own. I'd probably tell the kids that he wasn't eating with us because he lacks manners and if they ever acted like that I'd be ashamed. 

 

I would have to do that because it's the only way I can think of to solve my problem if he isn't willing to change. Honestly, I could not change myself so I didn't care each time it happened. It would make me too angry if it happened regularly and I wouldn't want my kids to see me accept the disrespect. If it was my only significant complaint about DH and I quit cooking for him, I could deal. I can't change him. I can't change my reaction to the behavior, but I can change my behavior so that I'm not letting it happen anymore. 

 

My DH would never do that. He will take a no thank you portion if he doesn't like something and then eat cereal or something else later. Or he'll get everyone food. 

[Melissa in Australia]

Spouse calls home and asks what you're making for dinner. You answer. Spouse says, "I don't feel like that. I'll get something on the way home."

 

This is not an isolated incident.

 

First reaction - I would be seriously upset. My Dh would never do something like that

 

[Critterfixer]

I guess the harder part would be deciding what to do about it.

[MistyMountain]

Having takeout a lot isn't really something that we have the budget for plus if the kids see takeout they wouldn't be interested in dinner. Take out is a treat. We don't do it often and when we do I don't want to be making a dinner. Dh usually isn't home at dinner. If he comes home and makes something else and it usually after the kids are in bed then that is fine. I wouldn't be happy if dh was picking up takeout only for him or going out to eat after I already cooked especially on a regular basis. I really dislike cooking but I do it because it is healthier for the family and because that is what fits in the budget.

[*lifeoftheparty*]

.

[Annie G]

This is a difficult one for me. On the one hand, I plan meals and having a last minute cancellation would leave me with enough leftovers for just one person. So back in the days when I made lunch because the kids were too young to do it, that one serving wouldn't have been enough to keep me from making lunch the next day. So it save me no time, nothing.  That would annoy me. 

 

On the other hand, blow money is just that- blow money.  So yeah, dh could use it but I would try hard to not whine about that part of it- his blow money is his to spend.  

 

So I would vent my frustration from the perspective of this: Hey, dh, you didn't save me any time, we have leftovers that might not get eaten, and now the kids are learning that if they 'don't feel like it' they shouldn't have to eat what I cook. Not cool, dude.  

 

 

[Mbelle]

It would p$ss me off.  I don't cook for fun.  I would quit cooking.

[SamanthaCarter]

I'd be horrified! And I'd probably not make whatever it was for years. I want DH to like what I cook. 

[*lifeoftheparty*]

.

[Miss Peregrine]

Your hubs needs to back you up.

 

Not only does my DH behave as I mentioned, but he will not allow DS to whine and complain about the food that I have made.

 

DS is of course allowed to not eat something if he doesn't like it- potatoes for instance, he hates them- so he is allowed to say, "Can I not have potatoes?" Or "Do I have to eat potatoes?" And that's fine, I'll leave them off his plate, and he eats the protein and veggie.

 

But, he is not allowed to whine and component about how much he hates potatoes, and potatoes are so gross, and WHY do I have to make potatoes, etc.

 

Your DH should teach your kids to respect you, and you should do the same for him.

 

Whining and complaining about food that requires lots of effort to plan for and prepare is disrespectful.

So strange because when we are sitting together at dinner, he always leads the thank yous, doesn't let anyone complain.

 

My kids serve themselves from about age 3 on so they should know they don't have to eat potatoes or whatever. I don't want to hear about what they don't like.

[Chelli]

At first I thought, "Well that would be awesome! A night free from cooking since dh is picking up take out!"

 

Then I read your later post where you said that is was just take out for himself......

 

NO WAY would that be cool around here. 

 

I love to cook. It's how I unwind at the end of the day, but I would absolutely not be cool with dh choosing to grab food only for himself because what I made didn't sound good to him. Mainly this would be for two reasons: 1) Dinner time is the only time we all can sit down together and 2) It seems so selfish to me to pick up something for yourself (eating out or take out is a treat for our family) while not considering the rest of us at home not able to enjoy eating out too and basically not recognizing and appreciating the time and effort that went into making a home cooked meal.

 

I'm not sure what I would do, but it wouldn't be pretty.  :cursing:

 

 

ETA: I just saw your recent post where you said he's not getting home until 10:00 PM. That kind of changes things for me. I would probably not fix my dh food if he wasn't arriving until that late unless I'd called first to see if he wanted to eat at home. I would let him know what we were having then ask if he wanted some. If he said, "No, I'll just pick up something on the way." Then I'd be fine with that and just make enough for me and the kids. If he said, "Sure, save me a plate." I'd be fine doing that as well. I would not assume that he would eat what I made if he was getting home that late though. The reason I say that is because I HATE leftovers and reheated food for the most part so I would want to give him the choice of reheated food or getting something on his own because I would want that choice. Plus at 10 PM, the kids would be in bed anyway so if he brought something home it wouldn't be a big issue of them wanting take out too.

 

ETA Part Two: It wasn't the OP who commented that her dh didn't get home until 10:00, but Sadie. Sorry about that!

[T'smom]

I asked dh what he thought. He said he thought that would be the last time I cooked dinner for him. He's right!

[Miss Peregrine]

I guess the harder part would be deciding what to do about it.

I am trying to figure out how I let it go on so long. I definitely made it clear I was unhappy the first time it happened.

[SeaConquest]

Oh, hell no.

[Critterfixer]

What was his reaction when you told him how unhappy his actions made you?

[trulycrabby]

He is going out to dinner several nights a week by himself???? That would be a huge, huge deal for me!!!!! Frankly, I would find out where he was eating and show up, because that's a very big red flag, IMO. If he were bringing takeout home every night, no big deal, but why on earth is he eating at a restaurant without his family?

[Miss Peregrine]

But wouldn't your husband be unhappy if he had to eat something for dinner he didn't want? ykwim?

Then he can help with the menu, liked I asked him to. Beggars can't be choosers.

[Little Nyssa]

This is the very reason that DH and I plan the menu together at the beginning of the week.

[Miss Peregrine]

He is going out to dinner several nights a week by himself???? That would be a huge, huge deal for me!!!!! Frankly, I would find out where he was eating and show up, because that's a very big red flag, IMO. If he were bringing takeout home every night, no big deal, but why on earth is he eating at a restaurant without his family????

 

I am sorry, and if it is any consolation, I have been in your shoes.

It's about once a week, or so. Not usually a sit down place. When it is, it is a place in town. I'm not worried about anything unsavory going on.

[Happygrl]

Does he not want to help with the menu?  If he DID help with the menu, would he still change his mind on his way home from work because it isn't what he's "in the mood" for?  

[Excelsior! Academy]

No food oddities, these are all meals he likes. He just doesn't " feel like it". I didn't " feel like" cooking but I did it anyway

 

He doesn't bring anything home, just goes out to eat by himself.

 

The bolded alone would get my blood boiling. 

[T'smom]

Is he actually eating out or is he bringing it home?

[Miss Peregrine]

This is the very reason that DH and I plan the menu together at the beginning of the week.

Ok, I am going to bring in all of dh's belongings from the lawn and make time to plan together. Just kidding, we don't have a lawn.

[Farrar]

First reaction was insulted.

 

Since skimming the rest of the thread... Mixed feelings. If one partner is stuck at home, meal plans, and then cooks in service of the family and the other partner doesn't care or appreciate that, plus has the freedom to do something the other can't do - choose a meal on a whim just for him or herself, then that feels rude and unfair. On the other hand, if the partner who is cooking can choose the food they like and stick with that, then that does give that person a different type of control. And if the cook can also choose on a whim to go get takeout of the cook's choice on a whim sometimes, that does even things up a lot, though ignoring someone's act of service still feels weird.

 

We rarely eat together as a family because of dh's odd hours. Dh also routinely turns down my cooking, but he also plays the role of fridge cleaner upper constantly so I'm always leaving leftovers in the fridge only to see them disappear in the middle of the night. And then he's usually grateful and will say to me later, "That was a delicious ___ that was in that random tupperware I found." So, the appreciation is there and I don't feel like I should be so insulted for our own situation...

[Critterfixer]

If I had to plan the menu with DH, I'd probably hate cooking.  :laugh:

Same as if I had to plan with the boys. I'm happy to take requests, but whether they get made or not depends entirely on whether the cook decides.

[bolt.]

Don't most people who work until 10:00pm get their own supper out? Waiting until 10:00 to eat family leftovers alone is a fairly crummy option in my opinion -- sure, a few nights per week, if the budget is tight... But fast good would be the norm for our family, or a packed lunch-as-supper.

 

The only time I would daily expect my DH to skip supper at supper time and wait until the late evening to eat at home would be if we absolutely could not afford a normal eating pattern.

[Critterfixer]

I don't think it is the eating out or dinner option so much as the fact that the habit is hurtful to the OP. It seems a bit selfish to call and find out what's for supper, so that you can decline said supper and eat out without bringing so much as dessert home.

[Excelsior! Academy]

At first I thought, "Well that would be awesome! A night free from cooking since dh is picking up take out!"

 

Then I read your later post where you said that is was just take out for himself......

 

NO WAY would that be cool around here. 

 

I love to cook. It's how I unwind at the end of the day, but I would absolutely not be cool with dh choosing to grab food only for himself because what I made didn't sound good to him. Mainly this would be for two reasons: 1) Dinner time is the only time we all can sit down together and 2) It seems so selfish to me to pick up something for yourself (eating out or take out is a treat for our family) while not considering the rest of us at home not able to enjoy eating out too and basically not recognizing and appreciating the time and effort that went into making a home cooked meal.

 

I'm not sure what I would do, but it wouldn't be pretty.  :cursing:

 

 

ETA: I just saw your recent post where you said he's not getting home until 10:00 PM. That kind of changes things for me. I would probably not fix my dh food if he wasn't arriving until that late unless I'd called first to see if he wanted to eat at home. I would let him know what we were having then ask if he wanted some. If he said, "No, I'll just pick up something on the way." Then I'd be fine with that and just make enough for me and the kids. If he said, "Sure, save me a plate." I'd be fine doing that as well. I would not assume that he would eat what I made if he was getting home that late though. The reason I say that is because I HATE leftovers and reheated food for the most part so I would want to give him the choice of reheated food or getting something on his own because I would want that choice. Plus at 10 PM, the kids would be in bed anyway so if he brought something home it wouldn't be a big issue of them wanting take out too.

 

Just read the bolded and want to amend my pp.  If the dc were in bed most nights when he got home and his usual dinner was reheating our family's leftovers I might be a little less angry about the same scenario. 

 

Eta:  Assuming we were the only ones up, I would have dh bring me a treat as well.  Maybe not a full meal, but an ice cream or similar.

 

[Murphy101]

We hold dinner from 5:30ish until 11pm.

 

Between college classes, work and other stuff, I have several people who can't be here for dinner at one time but who are still going to be hungry when they walk in the door.

 

Keeping dinner warm for them is a lot cheaper than them eating out 4-6 days a week and it's certainly healthier and better tasting most of the time.

 

All we ask is they clean their dishes so whoever cleaned at the actual family dinner doesn't have to stay up doing it and no one has to wake up to a filthy kitchen.

 

They don't have to eat it, but if they don't, it's usually reheating some other left over from the frig, a sandwich, or cold cereal.

[Miss Peregrine]

At first I thought, "Well that would be awesome! A night free from cooking since dh is picking up take out!"

 

Then I read your later post where you said that is was just take out for himself......

 

NO WAY would that be cool around here.

 

I love to cook. It's how I unwind at the end of the day, but I would absolutely not be cool with dh choosing to grab food only for himself because what I made didn't sound good to him. Mainly this would be for two reasons: 1) Dinner time is the only time we all can sit down together and 2) It seems so selfish to me to pick up something for yourself (eating out or take out is a treat for our family) while not considering the rest of us at home not able to enjoy eating out too and basically not recognizing and appreciating the time and effort that went into making a home cooked meal.

 

I'm not sure what I would do, but it wouldn't be pretty. :cursing:

 

 

ETA: I just saw your recent post where you said he's not getting home until 10:00 PM. That kind of changes things for me. I would probably not fix my dh food if he wasn't arriving until that late unless I'd called first to see if he wanted to eat at home. I would let him know what we were having then ask if he wanted some. If he said, "No, I'll just pick up something on the way." Then I'd be fine with that and just make enough for me and the kids. If he said, "Sure, save me a plate." I'd be fine doing that as well. I would not assume that he would eat what I made if he was getting home that late though. The reason I say that is because I HATE leftovers and reheated food for the most part so I would want to give him the choice of reheated food or getting something on his own because I would want that choice. Plus at 10 PM, the kids would be in bed anyway so if he brought something home it wouldn't be a big issue of them wanting take out too.

Is your ETA to me? Hard to tell bc I'm on my phone but the 10 pm thing is not us.

[kitten18]

I haven't read most of the thread.

 

 

My first reaction would be irritation.

[hornblower]

Miss Peregrine - I wanted to add that I heard the hurt in your posts & I'm sorry. If you're hurt, it doesn't really matter what we think, kwim? Hope you can sort it out with your dh.

[Miss Peregrine]

Does he not want to help with the menu? If he DID help with the menu, would he still change his mind on his way home from work because it isn't what he's "in the mood" for?

Too tired, busy with something else, etc. He probably would still change his mind. I sometimes don't feel like what I have to make but it's already paid for so I suck it up.