Post your first reaction to this:

[MistiDelaney]

You are not, in my opinion, at all offbase.

 

He is being selfish and rude and showing little consideration for you and the children.  What a brat.  I have ditched husbands for attitude like that.

 

(And I have eaten many a heartbreakingly bad meal without complaint when my at-home spouse chose to cook for me. Though I will admit to picking around the inedible parts.)

 

 

 

Yes. More than once. I pretty much flew off the handle. That's why I posted here to see if I was off base.

 

[KungFuPanda]

I'm not one to sweat the small stuff, but THIS would seriously irritate me. It happens at my house occasionally, and I'm fine with that. However, if it was a regular thing I know I would hear "Your cooking isn't good enough for me. I'd rather eat alone elsewhere than with the family having that terrible meal." Maybe an overreaction, but that's how I'd feel.

 

I like to cook and eat, so I think I take food more personally than most. I totally get that part of being a decent cook is trying new things and risking the occasional dud . . . heck, I'll even order the pizza if it's really awful, but the OPs situation is very different. First off, where does HE get off deciding on a whim that family dinner is optional. Has he considered that you might have cooked something you didn't 'feel' like eating to make the rest of the family happy? When will HE come home, cook for the kids, and give YOU the option of dining alone?

 

I think MY responses to this situation would be unnecessarily hostile. I'd say things like:

 

Are you serious?

Are you four?

Great! We'll reheat this dinner tomorrow and eat whatever you bring home.

What time should we be ready for you to swing by and pick us all up?

Great idea! I'm doing the same thing tomorrow night so talk to the kids and see what they 'feel' YOU should cook.

How nice for you to have options.

Do you think that's fair?

Etc

Etc

Etc

[AimeeM]

Have you said anything to him?

My first reaction would depend on whether or not something has been said before. If this has been discussed, my first reaction would be to stop making dinner. When he calls, I would tell him as much ("Well, you're so fond of picking up dinner, that I decided you could do it for all of us, all the time).

If nothing has been said before, my first reaction would be to simply discuss it with him - maybe he doesn't know it bothers me.

[Lucy]

If he isn't bringing some for me for a special dinner-in that night, my immediate reaction is this:  (First, I would talk to him about it and try to work it out.)  If it repeated, I would get off the phone, stop making dinner, and start preparing myself for a night out with a friend or by myself.  When he gets home, he can make dinner for the kids and do the cleanup.  How is it that he deserves dinner out and I don't?  I'd say, "Good idea, honey!  We do deserve a break for dinner tonight!"  Not only is it rude and ungrateful, but it is a slap to the raising of our kids to be thoughtful and thankful.  Really, how would he like it if I called him at the end of the day and asked him, "How much money are you making today?  Well, that's not good enough for me."  Hard work should be respected both ways.

[MicheleinMN]

Just for himself. It's his spending money. Food will be eaten.

 

Not in this house.  The just for himself part would tweak me every which way.

[Jenny in Florida]

Ah, yeah, stop doing that. I know you have to feed yourself and the kids, but if you don't want to cook, cook as little as possible. At our house that looks like...havingthe same thing for breakfast every day, having lots of stuff the kids can get, make, and eat themselves, and making big batchs of stuff that can done different ways when I *do* feel like standing around in my kitchen being bored out of my skull (cooking).

 

I'm glad it works for your family.

 

It wouldn't have worked for mine.

 

Both of my kids, now that they are older, have independently articulated to me that having me cook for them made them feel loved and cared for. It didn't necessarily matter that what I was making was "fancy," but that I did it for them, regularly, and took their preferences into account has turned out to have been more meaningful than I ever anticipated. 

 

Now that he's living on campus, one of my son's favorite things about coming home is that he knows I will cook for him. Mind you, he's not fending for himself at school. He lives in the dorm next door to the dining hall and has an unlimited meal plan. He can eat five or six meals a day if he wants, ordering anything off the menu that he feels like at that moment.

 

He still prefers to be here and have me make something for him. 

 

When my daughter, who is now living on her own 800 miles from home, has a crummy day or is tired or stressed out, what she wants most is to have me make her something to eat. She took with her recipes for several of her favorite dishes and has been making things for herself, but it's just not the same, she says. 

 

I don't love cooking. I like to bake, but the daily routine of cooking dinner and trying to make it healthy and interesting and do so on a budget was definitely not my favorite part of parenthood. Nonetheless, I did it because it felt meaningful to all of us. 

 

I know that not everyone feels the same way. Not everyone expresses or experiences nurturing through food. But for those of us who do, advice like what you've said above is not helpful and can actually feel hurtful and dismissive. 

 

Again, I'm truly happy your routine works for your family. Trust me when I tell you that there were tons of days during my full-time mommy years on which I wished a similar plan would have worked for us.

[Trilliums]

I would assume he was picking up something for everyone so I would go on to tell him what to get for everyone.

 

I would find it odd for DH to eat something he purchased while the rest of us were eating what I had cooked.

 

Now if he was coming home late and we had already had dinner, that would be different.  

 

We are pretty casual about dinner, although we usually do sit down and eat as a family (exceptions do occur especially during busy garden times!).  But still, i think this would irk me.  BUT, my DH does some things that other people would probably find irksome!  I think there are some issues that cannot be resolved to both people's satisfaction.  If  I really thought this was one of those situations, I would try to accept and make the best out of it.

[solascriptura]

Spouse calls home and asks what you're making for dinner. You answer. Spouse says, "I don't feel like that. I'll get something on the way home."

 

This is not an isolated incident.

I would ask him to buy enough for everyone! Later, I would discuss the eating out budget with spouse.

[Miss Peregrine]

I was actually looking forward to trying out some of these scripts.:

 

"Oh, bring some for all of us!"

 

"I'll save this for tomorrow and well all meet you."

 

But thinking about yesterday, I don't think he'll dare try it again.

[bolt.]

Just because he wouldn't dare, does not mean it isn't a good plan. If you can make a plan that shifts how your family eats towards occasional treats that would please everyone... Why not? Clearly you know he would like it (even if he wouldn't dare mention it), and it's kinda a nice thing. No reason to avoid doing it just because he's likely to avoid bringing up the possibility.

[Miss Peregrine]

Just because he wouldn't dare, does not mean it isn't a good plan. If you can make a plan that shifts how your family eats towards occasional treats that would please everyone... Why not? Clearly you know he would like it (even if he wouldn't dare mention it), and it's kinda a nice thing. No reason to avoid doing it just because he's likely to avoid bringing up the possibility.

We eat out plenty as a family already, probably 2-3x / month so he's not deprived of that.

[KungFuPanda]

I was actually looking forward to trying out some of these scripts.:

"Oh, bring some for all of us!"

"I'll save this for tomorrow and well all meet you."

But thinking about yesterday, I don't think he'll dare try it again.

In the absence of details, I am forced to imagine my own. You were epic and he'll never do it again!

[QueenCat]

As someone else pointed out, you could make the family meal one that is not dinner, in which case it would be disrespectful if the dh chose to skip that meal.  It would certainly be possible to have the family meal be a breakfast in the situation you have described.  

 

I was only answering the person who had wondered if there is a different dynamic around the family meal for people who had posted previously about the meal-skipping behavior being bothersome/hurtful to them with my own personal experience/family values.  All I'm saying is that, in our family culture, having a family meal to reconnect every day is important to us.

 

I do understand the importance of family meals, and we had them as much as we could at that point in our lives. Most of our lives, we've been able to do so at least 4-5 days a week, sometimes with more than one meal in day. At that point, it was difficult more than a couple of times of week. Breakfast for littles usually needed to happen as soon as they woke up. Dh usually ate on the run as he got home at 11:30pm, was asleep by midnight, up at 7, and out the door before 8am. It wasn't that being together wasn't important, sometimes it just wasn't possible if I wanted my husband to get enough sleep to drive safely. During his school breaks, when he only had work, we more than made up for his crazy periods. Thankfully, that was not a long period of our life.

[Miss Peregrine]

In the absence of details, I am forced to imagine my own. You were epic and he'll never do it again!

I'm out of likes. Like.

[Chelle in MO]

I'm out of likes. Like.

 

I gave it one for you.  But now I can't give it one of my own!   :toetap05:

 

This is how I imagine last night at your house... :willy_nilly:  :mad:  :smash:  :cursing:  :blink:  :banghead:  :boxing_smiley:  :001_rolleyes:  

 

But hopefully it turned out like this in the end :001_wub: ...

[Harriet Vane]

Cold rage. Said spouse would probably find that the cook had gone on strike.

 

I would not react well to the unnecessary expenditure from our budget nor the rudeness towards the work I put in preparing food.

[Hannahs4]

Okay. You can be in charge of menus, shopping, and cooking then.

That's my first reaction.

 

My more reasonable one would be, how can we make a menu that suits you, our budget, and health needs? You help me come up with it and we agree together how many takeout nights, or whatever, and we will stick to it.

[LucyStoner]

Spouse calls home and asks what you're making for dinner. You answer. Spouse says, "I don't feel like that. I'll get something on the way home."

 

This is not an isolated incident.

Spouse can get over himself (or herself) and eat what is being cooked.

 

I post the week's menu on a whiteboard. It's not like I add anything to the menu my husband really hates. The only acceptable variance is "Katie, it sounds like you are having a hard day. Let's save that food for lunch tomorrow and I'll pick you all up and we'll go get Ethiopian (or tacos or whatever). You deserve a break. ". Usually if this happens it's before I have cooked too much anyways.

[Jenny in Florida]

I said "stop doing that" after the OP said she DOES NOT LIKE COOKING any more, because her family has sucked the joy out of it. So no I don't think it's dismissive to say someone can stop doing something they don't like doing any more. As for the rest of what I said, it's what *i* do, so it can't be dismissive or hurtful, either. The OP was not jawm, and thus open to different thoughts.

 

I've been told now, in this thread, that I couldn't feed a large family--which I don't have, so that matters zero point zero, zero per cent-- eating the way we do....that I don't know what "eating healthily" really means....and in this post which was written just to refute something I said: that I said hurtful and dismissive things pages back, in direct response to the OP.

 

My main advice to the OP was to talk frankly about this with her husband. And I, like other people said some stuff about how my family usually eats right now.  The ire in this thread is weird.

 

 

 

Well, there was no "ire" in my comments. My point was that I don't always like cooking, either, but that to tell someone who thinks it's important to "just stop it" is dismissive and not especially kind. Personally, I think there are lots of stops along the way between "I'm having this specific challenge on this issue" and "I'll just quit the whole thing." 

 

I am genuinely sorry if my comments felt more personal or more pointed than that, though. Having been "ganged up on" recently, myself, in a way that I felt showed a pretty determined effort to misunderstand or misinterpret what I actually did say, I sympathize with your frustration.  

[LucyStoner]

I can't fathom the lack of flexibility. I might eat something different if dh has decided to roast meat, and I don't feel that I need meat. Or I might not be very hungry, so I'll toast myself a sandwich later.

 

I can't see why I would make myself eat something my body doesn't want or need just to be polite.

 

The lack of flexibility is what seems stressful to me. Sometimes I do just eat what I'm served...but I would resent having to eat it if I didn't want it. If dh cooks and I eat something else, or just have a cup of tea, it isn't a problem. He doesn't feel offended. The fridge is there to store leftovers.

Flexibility is one thing. Stopping to buy yourself (and only yourself from the sound of it) takeout is the issue for me. If my husband comes home and says "oh, steak is too heavy for me tonight, I'm going to polish off that leftover coleslaw and fish" or "I'll have a sandwich later and eat this apple while you guys eat dinner", that's peachy keen. Maybe it's not a financial problem for the OP but if my husband was regularly eating out because he can't bring himself to eat the planned dinner, it would be a budget killer for us.

[freeindeed]

It would tick me off. I'm not saying that's the right response, but it is my initial feeling. I work hard to plan a weekly menu and prepare tasty and healthy food. I would feel unappreciated.

[Mrs Mungo]

Flexibility is one thing. Stopping to buy yourself (and only yourself from the sound of it) takeout is the issue for me. If my husband comes home and says "oh, steak is too heavy for me tonight, I'm going to polish off that leftover coleslaw and fish" or "I'll have a sandwich later and eat this apple while you guys eat dinner", that's peachy keen. Maybe it's not a financial problem for the OP but if my husband was regularly eating out because he can't bring himself to eat the planned dinner, it would be a budget killer for us.

I think the stopping to eat at a restaurant is even worse than picking up takeout because it is actively choosing that over being with his family.

[StephanieZ]

:svengo:

 

"Great, while you are out, go ahead and stop by MostExpensiveRestaurantInTown and pick me up MyFavoriteFourCourseMeal because I don't really feel like this either! I'll serve this to the kids and we can eat take out! I'll call it in for you and text you the time it'll be ready. Love you!"

 

My guess is that my dh's frugal nature would inhibit him from making obnoxious remarks such as that too frequently if my response was going to cost him $$$.

 

Fact is, we cook and eat stuff that we aren't crazy about all the time because it is healthy, quick, frugal, the kids like it, it's what we've got the ingredients for, whatever, etc. 

 

I am a moody and finicky eater, so I rather feel for your dh, as I could see myself doing that. I get grumpy if I eat stuff I don't really like for many meals in a row. And, I get cravings that are hard to tamp down, too. As a matter of fact, I've said similar to dh when he's cooking something I don't feel like or don't like. Poor guy. I'd kill him if he did it to me, though. Guess I better make sure I stop that! He has learned to try to consult me before choosing what to make for dinner, though. In general, we do OK because we trade off irregularly on who cooks what. If I am starting to feel moody about food, I just make sure to cook some meals of stuff I like, and then I don't get grumpy. :) If I were advising your dh, I'd advise him to do that. Since I'm advising you, I'd guess that I'd suggest making meal plans together in advance for the week, so you can shop and plan, etc. Ideally, he'd be cooking some of the meals, too. :)

[LucyStoner]

Unless someone will be gone overnight we hold dinner until everyone is home so that we can eat together as a family every night.

 

That totally won't work for a family where someone is working the mid or swing shift or something.  Not everyone is home by any sort of a reasonable hour for kids to eat dinner.  

 

2-4 nights a month my husband doesn't get off work until 10:30 or 11PM.  My FIVE year old is not staying up until midnight to eat with daddy.  Not happening.  Occasionally, he works from 11:30-8PM and gets home close to 9PM.  Still too late to hold dinner for everyone.  I hold him a plate most of these nights but he'd never want the kids to wait on him till those hours.  Their need to eat trumps him eating with us.  On those nights, there is still a "family meal"- I'm not chopped liver.  Mom and sons can have a nice family meal together.  

 

We are lucky it is only part of the time- most days he starts work between 7-9AM and is thus home before dinner.  

[Hoot]

DH does the cooking, so I wouldn't care. ;)

[LibraryLover]

We have designated take-out nights.  Sometimes my dh eats dinner with clients, so much more artfully prepared food than I make.--but he doesn't bring that food home. lol

 

If children are little, I would be concerned that Daddy bringing home fast food/take-out and eating in front of the children might make them resentful, or teaches them to turn their noses up at whatever healthy meal you've made. I'm making the assumption it's 'fast food' and not organic Chez Panisse-type food.

 

 

My initial reaction is: not fair to kids/not respectful of your efforts/needs, and could create resentment in the children.

[StaceyinLA]

I probably can't post what I would say to MY spouse if he did that, but he would never do that (possibly he KNOWS what I would say).

 

;-p

[Miss Peregrine]

I am going to include him in the meal planning. He doesn't have a choice now.

 

After we're speaking to each other again. ;)

[nevergiveup]

"You're out of clean underwear?  Sorry, but I didn't feel like doing the laundry so last time I was in town I dropped it all off at the cleaners.  

It will be ready next week."

[Sahamamama]

Spouse calls home and asks what you're making for dinner. You answer. Spouse says, "I don't feel like that. I'll get something on the way home."

 

This is not an isolated incident.

 

If it happened more than a few times, I would call his bluff on that nonsense.

 

Spouse calls: "What are you making for dinner tonight?"

 

Me: "Nothing."

 

Spouse: "Huh?"

 

Me: "I haven't planned or made anything. Why don't you stop and get something and bring it home for us all? We are so hungry! What do you think you'll bring? Chinese? Pizza? Rotisserie chicken?"

 

Our budget would not stand the strain.