Dilemma - what would you do?

[Sherri in MI]

My sister, who lives 600 miles away,  is getting married.  It's a 10 hour drive.  I have to drive out there soon to go dress shopping & for the shower.  The wedding is only 3 months away.  I wanted to do the dress shopping & shower in one trip to save money, but might have to do it in two.   It costs at least $215 in gas & tolls, depending on gas prices.  Then there is food.

 

What do I do with my son?  He's 15, an only child & I'm not comfortable with him spending however many days I'm gone (at least 5) alone.  If I plan it around a weekend:  drive Saturday, stay Sunday, Monday & Tuesday, return Wednesday night - he will be alone 3 days while dh is at work.  I'm not for teens spending too much time alone - I fear they might get into trouble - mostly online or on tv in our case.  I don't think he'd go out and get in trouble.

 

But my other concern about him being alone is he is an only child & is lonely a lot and I fear he will get depressed.  He's had some occasional depressive thoughts lately.  Plus he got a concussion only a month ago and is doing well, but I still feel the need to keep an eye on him.

 

In addition, my Mom (has dementia but still knows and love ds) hasn't seen him in 3+ years & I'd like to see her while I'm there while my sister is at work & take ds to see her.  I'd plan it in a separate trip, but can't really afford more trips than necessary.  I can't afford the 2 or 3 I have to take (gown shopping, shower, wedding) & kind of have to combine goals or purposes.

 

My sister initially said it was okay to bring him, but now is perplexed and almost offended that I want to bring him.  It will be awkward.  What does he do the 2 days we go dress shopping?  And he would miss church and youth group, which he likes.

 

Can't leave him alone, can't bring him.  Any suggestions?

[Catwoman]

If your dh isn't able to be at home with him, I think you should bring him with you.

 

Can he stay with your mom while you go dress shopping with your sister?

[Jean in Newcastle]

Friends?  

Cousins?

(while you are shopping if he comes with you or your dh is at work if he stays at home)

[Sherri in MI]

If your dh isn't able to be at home with him, I think you should bring him with you.

 

Can he stay with your mom while you go dress shopping with your sister?

 

I wish he could stay with Mom!  But she has dementia and is delusional and since he is not experienced with dealing with her since we live so far away & he hasn't seen her in years, I would not leave him alone with her for hours yet.  He's nervous about seeing her as it is.

[Sherri in MI]

Friends?  

Cousins?

(while you are shopping if he comes with you or your dh is at work if he stays at home)

 

Friends here is a possible option for maybe one of the days. We have no family nearby.   Very dysfunctional family.  Which is why I live far away.  Cousins are into drugs and alcohol and we are not in touch.

 

So y'all don't think I'm overreacting not wanting to leave him home alone too much?

[displace]

If he's not able to be with you dress shopping maybe he could spend time at the movies?

 

Can you gently ask your sister about the mixed signals you have? Maybe she meant it would be great for DS to be in town, not necessarily participating in the activities? (esp. a shower).

 

Can he help drive to get some practice driving? Is there a church family/ friend he could spend time with while DH is at work?

[zoobie]

Your sister's being a twerp by being offended that you would bring your son. First of all, you're driving 10 hours (each way?!?) to attend a shower and watch her try on dresses. She should be thrilled! Who wants to drive that far alone? Can't he stay at your sister's house while you go dress shopping and to the shower?

 

If you can't afford the trip and she is making your child feel unwelcome, I would skip it, send a gift, and just drive for the wedding. Assuming DS would be welcome for that.

[nevergiveup]

Your sister is probably worried that you having your son with you will detract from all the fun you and she will be having together, what with you worrying about keeping him entertained.

I would bring him with me and also think up things he can do while there to entertain himself and, perhaps help out your sister.  

Are there places he can walk to in the neighborhood?  Book store/library/movie theater?  Can he walk her dog/mow her yard/do the dishes/clean her house/cook/fix something?   

 

If she sees having him there as an asset, parhaps she would welcome him.

[Cera]

You aren't wanting to bring a toddler with you.  He is 15 and I am assuming fairly independent.  There is no reason you shouldn't be able to bring him so he can visit with your mom.  I would tell sister that bringing ds is part of the deal because he is not ready to be alone for that long and because it is important to you that he get to see his grandmother (which isn't a trip you can swing separately).  He can easily hang out alone at her house while you do wedding things if her issue is having time alone with you or being with just women for those events.

[Joanne]

While I agree that he is 15 and not a toddler but from the other perspective. I don't understand why a young man who is nearing adulthood can't be home alone during the day for a few occasions while Mom attends to family courtesies and obligations.

 

He is 15.

 

This is not him being home alone all day regularly while you work. The "lonely" part needs to be addressed as a separate stand alone issue.

[Joanne]

 

So y'all don't think I'm overreacting not wanting to leave him home alone too much?

I do. I would agree if you were returning to full time work but not for time limited and no repeating events.

[mumto2]

I would explain to your sister that if she wants you to make 3 trips over the next 3 months ds needs to come also.  I think it would be a shame for him to miss spending time with his grandmother plus you deserve to at least have company on those long journeys.  Quite frankly he needs to come even if shopping and shower get combined just because you prefer it and you are going way out of your way for her.

[marbel]

You are not overreacting by not wanting to leave him alone.  That is a lot of hours for a kid to be on his own, especially if he tends to get lonely and depressed.  In fact your son sounds a bit like mine - lonely, depressive thoughts at times, not doing well left alone for long periods of time.

 

If it was my situation...

 

I'd ask my sister why she does not want you to bring her son.  Unless this is a 2nd marriage, I assume she has no children?   So she might not get that even a 15 year old should not spend hours/days alone at home.  Maybe if you got her to understand the situation she could brainstorm some things he could do while you are out shopping.

 

But I'd also see if I could cobble something together for my son at home:  staying with a friend one day, going to work with dad another day, dad taking half a day off to be home or do something fun.   If he tends to be lonely but enjoys church and youth group, I would find it important to have him go to that.  I'll inconvenience myself a lot to keep my kid involved in regular activities that get him out with people.
 

Depending on your relationship with your sister, I might just skip this trip.   Honestly, though my sister and I are pretty close, I would not/could not take the trip you're describing for her.  I'd wait and go to the wedding.   That really depends on your relationship though. 

 

ETA: I missed the part about the concussion.  Yeah, I wouldn't want to leave that boy alone for, what 8+ hours a day for 3 days?

 

[Pawz4me]

I'm with Joanne on this.  I don't see any reason at all a 15 yo can't spend the day alone for three days.  My 15 yo does it all the time.  We think nothing about it.  He's done it for years now.  After all, your DH will be home at night with him.  My thinking is that a 15 yo is a very few short years away from potentially going off to college or going into the working world.  At that age I want them to be learning many independent living skills.

[Alessandra]

But other concern about him being alone is he is an only child & is lonely a lot and I fear he will get depressed. He's had some occasional depressive thoughts lately. Plus he got a concussion only a month ago and is doing well, but I still feel the need to keep an eye on him.

Depression? Concussion? What if something happened to your ds while you were away? I think you should listen to your mom instinct and keep him close, whatever the cost.

 

Are you talking about a bridesmaid's dress? Could you find the style near where you love and not have to drive 10 hours?

 

Is your sister doing that bride thing of thinking the world revolves around her? She was ok with your ds and now she is not?

[bettyandbob]

Am I reading correctly, if you left without your ds he would not really be on his own for five days. Your dh would be around. Your dh would not be at work two of the days. But for 3 days he would leave the house in the morning, commute to work, and return home after home. A significant number of 15 year olds are on their own 10 hours a day. You even have one day he could hang with a friends family? At 15 he should be able to handle himself 2-3 days like that. His dad will be home and they will eat dinner together. You are not talking about leaving him for 5 days alone.

 

Is there something else you have not told hs about your ds? History of poor judgement? Porn addiction? Poor choice of friends who may lead him to do stupid/bad stuff without adults checking up? I wouldn't leave my son who has intellectual disabilities home for 10 hours even one day, but I would leave my other son three days without batting an eye.

 

If your ds has not had long hours on his own, discuss ahead of time how he should spend the time. Make a list of chores and assignments for each day. But also be flexible. Let him have a little autonomy. If you normally let him hang out with his friend, Joe and your ds learns Joe is back early from vacation/camp your ds should be able to decide to bike over to Joe's house. If your ds finds a project he wants to work on without you he should be able to decide to do that. You could check in by phone every few hours. I would tell him you know he's capable, it's you who's having trouble and that's why phone calls are needed.

[LostSurprise]

I'm not sure there's any way people on the internet can judge this. 

 

 

If a 15 year old can't spend 2-3 daytime work hours alone or with friends, I think there's something in his life that needs help. If he was that depressive I would say counseling is a necessity. Now. If he's showing physical symptoms of an old concussion, he needs therapy of some kind, testing, or a second opinion. In those cases, I would say 'sorry sis, I'm doing my best but the dr says X needs to be done. We'll do 2 hour doses of wedding fun and ds will hang out at your house/library/cousins.'

 

 

I want to encourage you to use your intuition/Mommy-sense on this, but what I'm seeing is a bunch of red flags which tell me this teen needs more than a trip with Mom. If that's not the case, he should be able to spend 8-9 hours alone for a few days and spend the rest of the time with dad (or volunteer at a church or humane society during the day/hang out at the library/go play Magic the Gathering at a card store/video games at an arcade/walk the mall). 

[regentrude]

I do not understand why a 15 y/o can not stay home with his dad. He will not be by himself for five days - dad goes to work in the morning and comes home in the evening and is a phone call away in case of emergency. At that age, staying home during daytime hours and working on school is something I would expect from a teen and consider normal. Also, does he not have friends and activities or a job? Is he normally sitting home all day with just you for company? I would be concerned if that were the case - independent of the wedding situation.

 

If you think he is unable to handle this, it is a serious situation that needs to be addressed by a mental health professional, and in that case, the wedding would be the least of my worries and I would first get my son professional help (I have a friend whose teen is suffering form mental illness and who can't leave him alone, so I get glimpses of how that is). But if it were so, I would forgot the dress shopping (for whom? for you? for the bride?) and shower and just show up for the wedding.

 

ETA: Wanting to add that I am confused by the dress shopping trip. Do people really drive 20 hours just to shop for a dress? If that is her wedding dress, why do you need to be there? If it is your dress, why can't you buy it closer?

[elegantlion]

As the parent of an only child, at 15, I would have been fine for him to spend a few days alone. I assume dh is within calling distance and available if help is needed. Heck, I'm not sure my ds would notice I was gone until it was dinnertime...

 

This could be a wonderful bonding time for father and son, unless there are other issues in that dynamic. Can dh take a few days off work? 

 

I would not drag a 15 year old along to a shower and dress buying session. 

 

If you are concerned about the head injury or him having thoughts of self-harm because he is alone (apologies if I'm inferring that incorrectly), then I would forego the long drive and stay home or ask dh to take off work a few days. 

[Garga]

Fifteen years old and staying with his dad, albeit alone in the day while dad's at work, isn't a big deal.

 

However, if you think he's so depressed he'll commit suicide or the concusion is so bad he'll injure himself or die, then you need to tend to those issues. If he has serious depression like that or a serious head injury, then you'll have to take him with you. Of course, he'll probably be alone for 8 hours during the day anyway during the shopping sessions...

 

When my friends have to leave then kids, they set up a series of "play dates" with all the friends. Just last week a mom went to a camp thing while her husband was at work. During the day, her 11 year old son visited at my house. His dad picked him up in the evening. You may have to ask friends if your son can stay at their houses during the day while your husband is at work.

[marbel]

I think at age 15 there is a big middle area between "comfortable spending 8+ hours a day alone for 3 days" and "needs mental health care" especially if your child is not used to spending a lot of time completely alone.    Of course none of us know how far away your husband works - is he close or an hour's commute away, are there times he is inaccessible, etc.   Some of the suggestions made for ways to spend the time are very good, if you live in an area where those things are accessible.  8 hours a day in the library or at the mall would not work for either of my kids, and those places are not close enough to walk to or otherwise get to on their own during their dad's work day.  I would be  hard-pressed to find a friend with whom to leave my kids for 8 hours; most people are busy with their own activities or the parents are both working and their kids are home alone (and they don't want any friends in without supervision).  Heck, I may be willing to take a friend's kid for the day but unable because of other things going on. 

 

I hope you find a solution. :grouphug:   Those middle teen years can be tough for some kids. 

 

And I don't mean to minimize the risk of depression; if you do think it's bad you should have him see someone.  And/or start practicing leaving him home alone more.  I don't know anything about concussions so I don't know how risky that is.

[Word Nerd]

While I agree that he is 15 and not a toddler but from the other perspective. I don't understand why a young man who is nearing adulthood can't be home alone during the day for a few occasions while Mom attends to family courtesies and obligations.

 

He is 15.

 

This is not him being home alone all day regularly while you work. The "lonely" part needs to be addressed as a separate stand alone issue.

I agree. I don't understand why a 15-year-old can't be left at home for a few days when his dad is at work. What does he prefer? If he wants to go, I'd take him.

[City Mouse]

Could you opened/or you DH call frequently during the weekdays to check in with him? If you and DH work out a schedule ahead of time then and let DS know, then he might feel less alone since that sounds like a concern with the depression.

Is DHs job something that he can leave quickly if there is an emergency? Could add take a day off work? Maybe on Tuesday. That way DS would only be alone 1 day at a time.

 

I will leave my 12 yr old home all day like you describe, but I don't like to do it multiple days in a row. I have taken my D s on work trips with me for that reason. He sometimes stays alone in the hotel room while I attend to meetings in the same hotel.

[catz]

I'm not huge on teens having huge amounts of unstructured time either.  But 3 to 5 days of alone time while dad is at work would not be a huge deal to me.  I might make him a schedule of what he needs to do each day.  Check with some friends and see if he could spend a day, or part of a day with them, etc.  It seems developmentally normal for a 15 year old to be able to manage a few days like this.  In fact, I think it's good for kids have some experience attempting to manage their own time at this age.  When I leave my 13 year old alone for a few hours, I give him some expectations about what needs to be done when I leave.

 

I have a 18 year old nephew that was latch key from about 10/11 and found himself tons of trouble.  I don't know where he's living right now or if he graduated high school and my brother and SIL don't want to talk about it.  It wasn't the DAYS that got him into trouble.  It was YEARS of parental neglect and having YEARS of unsupervised time particularly during the summer months that led to his troubles. 

 

So if the 15 year old's concussion or depression concerns are that severe that he seems incapable of doing something that seems actually quite developmentally typical, I would definitely be following up with a neurologist and/or mental health professional. 

[OneStepAtATime]

OP, only you know your child.  Different parents here have had different experiences and obviously have different children from yours.  My parents would not have had any issues with leaving me as you describe and actually did so.  But I had a younger brother so I wasn't completely alone.  I could have done it but honestly I would have hated being alone for such extended periods and Dad's hours were erratic.  He also worked a really long way from the house.  But I also had friends in the neighborhood and probably could have gone over and hung out with them periodically.

 

If your mommy instincts are saying he might not do well being left alone for that extended a period then maybe see if he could spend the night at a friend's house?   Does he have any close friends?  That would at least give him a bit of additional time being around other people, so maybe only one day at home alone all day.  Since you apparently have to take more than one trip up, maybe take him on one of the trips so that he can see his grandmother, but bring things he can do to entertain himself during shopping/shower.  And see if there are some interesting educational opportunities he can partake in near your sister's place.

 

And  I guess I am puzzled, too, as to why your sister is setting this up so you have to take multiple expensive trips but doesn't seem to have any sympathy or understanding of your possible concerns about leaving your son alone.  Have you expressed your specific reasons for why you are concerned?   Maybe you could brainstorm this situation together?

[Flowing Brook]

When I was fourteen I spent a whole summer alone while mom was working.  I did not like it but I was fine.  I don't think there should be any problem with the length of time you are talking about. Maybe dad can do something fun with him each evening.

[kwg]

What does ds think? Is he ok with it?  How about dh?

[Night Elf]

If your DH cannot take whole days off, can he do half days? How does your son feel about the idea of being alone? This could be a sort of vacation for him as well, being able to watch tv when he doesn't in the normal course of daily events. Decide on a list of movies he can watch. You can even add in some school work and have him write reviews about the movies. I too think he's old enough to be left alone for a few days during the day. I'd be worried if I didn't think he could handle it. Is he not responsible at all? If you take him, I don't think taking him dress shopping is a good idea. Your sister has a particular experience in mind and doesn't seem happy about altering it. I think it's sweet that she wants you to be involved in dress shopping, but maybe this just isn't a good idea. Will you be taking him along for the wedding trip?

[J-rap]

Maybe your son could come with you on just one of those trips. 

[idnib]

I think he should stay home. He's only 3 years from being a legal adult and you're only talking about 8-9 hours/day. 

 

If your DH has to work during that time perhaps you could schedule your trip so all the days are not together. DS could be alone Friday for one day as a starter, then with dad Saturday and Sunday, then alone Monday and Tuesday.

[Seasider]

Your sister's being a twerp by being offended that you would bring your son. First of all, you're driving 10 hours (each way?!?) to attend a shower and watch her try on dresses. She should be thrilled! Who wants to drive that far alone? Can't he stay at your sister's house while you go dress shopping and to the shower?

 

If you can't afford the trip and she is making your child feel unwelcome, I would skip it, send a gift, and just drive for the wedding. Assuming DS would be welcome for that.

Do you really need to stand in the wedding? Would your presence at the event itself be enough? As sister of the bride, you are, by traditional etiquette, not supposed to be the one throwing the shower for her. Seems like a dress could easily be arranged in your own location, internet shopping via Skype or phone. I mean, she could make things easier for you. In your shoes, I would not leave my son to cater to an inflexible bride.

[trulycrabby]

I realize my position is extreme, but I would not attend the wedding or the events. You shouldn't have to juggle schedules, then worry about your son being alone while you are gone. Your sister is being a jerk; DS15 could read or play games to pass the time while the bridal events happened; he wouldn't even have to attend most of them. He is 15, not 5, and is capable of mature and appropriate behavior. I cannot imagine why a family member would not want him around.

[ktgrok]

I would never drive 20 hours round trip to go dress shopping. If this is to watch her buy her dress, sorry, she's on her own. If it is to get your bridesmaid dress, have her pick something that is at a chain store that has a location near you. That's what I've done in those situations. That leaves just the shower and wedding. I'm assuming hte son is going to the wedding, and I think leaving him home alone during the day while you are at the shower is totally fine. Of course, my 15 year old has stayed alone overnight, so during the day wouldn't phase me. He's an introvert and would relish the quiet in the house for a change.

[gardenmom5]

umm, in this thread you want to go to your sister's to go dress shopping when there would be another trip in another 3months.  in another thread you are wanting  money to buy school books without your dh asking for a list. . . . .

 

why do you *have* to go dress shopping?  can she pick out the dresses (you can see pictures) and then send in the measurements?  go a few days early for the wedding for final fittings?   (yes - this is what I would do.)

 

that could save you money you could then spend on your school books.

 

 

[bettyandbob]

I'm suspecting there are issues not mentioned by the op beyond "dysfunctional" family. Perhaps, there is no one to emotionally support her sister and the op wants to do it. That's legitimate.

 

As I said earlier I'm not sure why the ds can't stay home. Maybe the three days could be one day with friend, one day with a project on his own and one day go to work with dad (is that possible).

[Joanne]

I realize my position is extreme, but I would not attend the wedding or the events. You shouldn't have to juggle schedules, then worry about your son being alone while you are gone. Your sister is being a jerk; DS15 could read or play games to pass the time while the bridal events happened; he wouldn't even have to attend most of them. He is 15, not 5, and is capable of mature and appropriate behavior. I cannot imagine why a family member would not want him around.

 

I think this position is not only extreme, but actually *harmful*.

 

I have gotten each of my kids past age 15 - I can not imagine running a life in which elevated "needs" of a 15 year old prevented me from celebrating my sister's wedding.

 

The only way this scenario makes sense to me is if the 15 year old has current issues that are "more" then average 15 year olds. If that is the case, that should be taken care of and addressed. And even THEN, I'd likely find a way to have a full, whole life which included reasonable family events.

 

Now, I am not a fan of big, elaborate, weddings or preparations. But I can not imagine not being able to leave a 15 year old at home a few days while parents work/do other things and an adult returns at night. THAT is extreme and possibly alarming.

 

(BTW, I am also not a fan of the sister's weirdness about the 15 coming. I am not "for" leaving the teen at home. I am concerned that he can't be left.)

[kroe1]

All right, I admit to downloading a complete season of "Say 'Yes' to the Dress, Atlanta". The episodes with teens accompanying the bridal party for dress shopping are a hoot. Tell Sis to watch a few of those episodes and allow her young nephew to go. You may all be surprised how much fun it is.

 

By the way, where I am from, a fifteen year old was already married, farming his section of the farm, and had a kid of his own. Nonetheless, some teens are not ready for independence. My DD14 can stay by herself about 15 minutes maximum. I doubt there will be much improvement by next year. It just is what it is.

[AK_Mom4]

I would totally take my son alone with me.  He would be good company on the drive and could bring a book/his phone/3DS to entertain himself during the shopping trips.  As long as we remembered to feed him frequently, he would be fine with it. 

[justasque]

I've done some solo travel with teens.  It can be fun, if you plan ahead.  See if you can plan some things to do during the trip that are for him.  Can he browse a local comic store while you buy dresses?  Is there a museum he would enjoy nearby?  A nature center you guys can visit after dress shopping?  An indie record shop, a skate park, or some other destination geared towards his interests?  A project he can bring along, to do in a local cafe while people-watching and listening to his iPod?  Give him something to look forward to, have him navigate the trip, listen to a bunch of podcasts or a good audio book on the way.  Getting him out and about in another town, doing a bit of exploring, etc. could be a nice adventure that may be beneficial.  Better than sitting at home playing video games all day, if that's what he's likely to be doing, you know?

[JustEm]

My first choice would be to leave a 15 year old at home since I see no reason they can't handle a few days by themselves while dad is working. If that were not an option I'd be very honest with my sister and say ds has to come with or she can pick out the dress by herself and I'll find it locally to try it on. I'd likely do that anyway since driving 10 hours to go dress shopping seems silly and missing the shower wouldn't bother my sisters at all.

[marbel]

I've done some solo travel with teens.  It can be fun, if you plan ahead.  See if you can plan some things to do during the trip that are for him.  Can he browse a local comic store while you buy dresses?  Is there a museum he would enjoy nearby?  A nature center you guys can visit after dress shopping?  An indie record shop, a skate park, or some other destination geared towards his interests?  A project he can bring along, to do in a local cafe while people-watching and listening to his iPod?  Give him something to look forward to, have him navigate the trip, listen to a bunch of podcasts or a good audio book on the way.  Getting him out and about in another town, doing a bit of exploring, etc. could be a nice adventure that may be beneficial.  Better than sitting at home playing video games all day, if that's what he's likely to be doing, you know?

 

This makes me want to take a road trip with my kids and let them loose (safely) in a new place.   

[Annie G]

I would skip all the trips except the wedding.  That's just too many trips to take in a short amount of time, and my sister would surely not expect me to make THREE trips for her wedding. 

[Caroline]

I think your sister will probably end up being ok if you take your son with you. My guess is that she isn't around teen aged boys very much, and kind of gets her only opinion about them from tv? I think taking him to see his grandmother is good. I also get that you are maybe the only family your sister has and you really want to help make her day special. I think I remember your other thread where your sister was feeling very discouraged about the wedding.

 

I hope everything works out. 

 

[MrsMommy]

I'm not going to comment on the 15-year-old staying home, but I will say there is no way that I would drive alone 10 hours one way. I'd be afraid that I'd get bored and tired and doze off, or that I would have no one with me should something go wrong. That is a long drive to make alone if you don't have to.

[bobbeym]

I wouldn't drive 10 hours by myself, but I also wouldn't make 3 trips out there.  I'd tell her I'd drive up a few days before the wedding and anything else needs to be done long distance or I'd bow out of the obligation.  There's no reason your sister can't pick out the dresses she likes best and send you the online links to get your input. You can get measurements done locally and email them to her if she's buying the dresses, or she can send you the final dress info so you can order it locally and then you just take it with you for the wedding.  

 

Your 15yo should be able to stay home alone while waiting for dad to get home from work.  Line up some friends to come visit, or find a friend he can hang out with for a few hours if you're concerned he'd be bored or whatever all day by himself.  If you want him to see grandma, take him with. He can always hang out at your sister's house or the hotel playing on an ipad or laptop or watch tv while you go do girl stuff with your sister.

 

Yes, the experience would be fun; I get that. I had a blast wedding gown shopping with my DIL last year but I didn't have to drive 600 miles or spend lots of money I couldn't really afford to spend to do so.

[trulycrabby]

I think this position is not only extreme, but actually *harmful*.

 

I have gotten each of my kids past age 15 - I can not imagine running a life in which elevated "needs" of a 15 year old prevented me from celebrating my sister's wedding.

 

The only way this scenario makes sense to me is if the 15 year old has current issues that are "more" then average 15 year olds. If that is the case, that should be taken care of and addressed. And even THEN, I'd likely find a way to have a full, whole life which included reasonable family events.

 

Now, I am not a fan of big, elaborate, weddings or preparations. But I can not imagine not being able to leave a 15 year old at home a few days while parents work/do other things and an adult returns at night. THAT is extreme and possibly alarming.

 

(BTW, I am also not a fan of the sister's weirdness about the 15 coming. I am not "for" leaving the teen at home. I am concerned that he can't be left.)

Actually, I think we are in agreement, but I wrote the post in a hurry and perhaps was not very clear. I am fine with leaving a 15 year-old home to attend a wedding, but the OP stated that she had concerns about leaving him due to his history of depression. The issue I have is that the bride does not want her son to attend, which is creating an unnecessary hardship for the OP.

 

Also, my own sister is NPD and borderline personality disorder, which I think makes me a little touchy on the trigger point with regards to well, everything regarding sister relationships. :o

[Sherri in MI]

I appreciate everyone's comments.  The different viewpoints are interesting.

 

To clarify a few things that came up in the posts my son is not clinically depressed.  Sorry for misusing the word.  I just didn't want him to be lonely.   He does know how to amuse himself when he is alone. 

 

We worked it all out.  Ds & I misunderstood each other.  She's fine with him coming out to visit, just not wedding dress shopping.  I wasn't picturing him going wedding dress shopping with us. 

 

But I decided to leave ds at home this time.  

 

[QueenCat]

I appreciate everyone's comments.  The different viewpoints are interesting.

 

To clarify a few things that came up in the posts my son is not clinically depressed.  Sorry for misusing the word.  I just didn't want him to be lonely.   He does know how to amuse himself when he is alone. 

 

We worked it all out.  Ds & I misunderstood each other.  She's fine with him coming out to visit, just not wedding dress shopping.  I wasn't picturing him going wedding dress shopping with us. 

 

But I decided to leave ds at home this time.  

 

Enjoy your trip. From your other thread, it sounds like you could really use a break from "home" right now. Enjoy the few days you are gone, relax and focus on yourself and sister.

[TammyS]

 

 

My sister initially said it was okay to bring him, but now is perplexed and almost offended that I want to bring him.  It will be awkward.  What does he do the 2 days we go dress shopping? 

 

Bring him.  If your sister is "perplexed and almost offended", just laugh it off as someone who will know better eventually.  You can't leave 15 year old alone for days at a time.  That she doesn't have sense enough to know that is her problem.

 

What he can do is hang out with your mother for two days.  These may be the last days that he gets of a partially lucid grandmother.  It will be a gift to them both.

 

[chocolatechip]

Glad everything worked out in the end!  :)