When you were a teen

[Night Elf]

Thinking back to what I was like as a teen, I realize i don't want my kids to be that way. I did some crazy things as a teen. I was lucky with dd22, she was a responsible teen. I can think of two situations where she made a poor choice. Other than that, if she made other bad choices, I'm not privy to them. Ds17 has no friends, unfortunately, so he isn't a typical teen. And dd16 seems responsible so far. She doesn't have a group that hangs out too much without parents. She usually goes to a friend's house and at least two adults are there at a time (parents, and live in grandparent). I do drop her off at the outside mall that has a movie theater. I trust her to stay within the mall and walk to shops and restaurants and not go joy riding with friends. But as I said in another thread, I don't allow her in the car with teen drivers anyway. She's had me meet her there to drive her to a friend's house when the rest of the teens take someone's car. I am just grateful my kids haven't gotten into some of the messes I did as a teen. I lived in a one-parent home and my mom worked a lot, so I was on my own a great deal of time from the age of 13.

[Chris in VA]

I had this image of myself as a "good girl" when I thought back to my teen years. My son, after hearing some of the stuff I did, quickly dispelled that notion. I just had good intentions, and never really thought my behaviors were "bad."

But they were not "wise choices."

 

I didn't always tell the truth, either.

 

I want my dd to be different.

 

It's hard, because she has a sibling who has radically changed our level of alarm--just about anything she can do will not raise much of an eyebrow around here, if we compare. So we can't compare--that's good, because we shouldn't.

 

She's also a PK, and the expectations are mixed messages! "Oh, you're a PK! Here comes Trouble!" or "Oh, you're a PK! You must be an angel!"

 

It's hard being a teen.

[Heather in Neverland]

I was the worst type of teenager of all because I was a bad girl who had everyone convinced I was a good girl. I was the student council president, cheerleader captain, honor student, Christian girl ... Who was smoking, drinking and screwing my way through high school. My parents never knew. I was very adept at lying. Of course, they didn't really want to know either. They liked living in denial.

 

Things are much different for my children. After the type of teen I was, and after teaching high school for over a decade, I know what teens do, how they get away with it, the lies they tell, etc. My teen gets away with nothing.

[73349]

I stayed out of trouble... I suspect far better than my parents did as teens! With DS, I think we can only lay out our expectations and hope for the best.

[creekland]

I was an independent teen who spent most of my time at a local riding stable training/riding/working, then did more of the same with my own horses and ponies at home.  It made a great escape from being placed in the middle of an ugly divorce from the time I was 11 years old.

 

Later I escaped states away when I went to college and started making my own life.

 

My kids "know" what happened in my teens, but they don't "truly know" and I hope they never have to experience the same thing.

 

Two of my teens have been total joys to raise when they were here at home.  The other is definitely a more typical teen.  I love them all.

[Crimson Wife]

I didn't personally engage in bad behavior but I'm ashamed to say I covered up for those who did. I provided false alibis, distracted clerks while others shoplifted, took schoolwork I did and changed it around so that it could be submitted under a classmate's name as well, helped clean up after parties I didn't even attend to hide that they had occurred, etc. I thought at the time I was being "a good friend" but I realize now I was being used. I hope my kids are less desperate to fit in so that they won't allow themselves to get taken advantage of by others.

[texasmama]

I was the worst type of teenager of all because I was a bad girl who had everyone convinced I was a good girl.

This was me.  I drank, smoked, shoplifted, lied, cheated in school, drove drunk, drove with others who were drunk, stayed out too late, went home with guys I met while cruising down the street, etc.  It is a miracle I lived past the teen years.  My college years didn't improve, either, until about halfway through.  I've been a model citizen since then.  ;)

 

My teens won't get away with what I got away with due to all of the above.  My parents were very naïve.  I am not.  :)

[kewb]

I hope my teens do not make some of the bad choices I made.

 

My ds thinks he knows how to get away things.  Sometimes, I let him think he got one over on me.  One day, when he has kids of his own I'll tell him all the things I know.

[Anne in CA]

I was a very extra responsible teen until I was 16. Then I got more interested in boys than horses and smoking pot than school. But I didn't get that way by accident. My parents were not good parents to me, they were just not interested in me, and some unfair things happened in school that took away all my interest that should not have happened with responsible adults in charge. 

[Amy in NH]

I was a bad teenager who gave my parents a difficult time as well.  I made a ton of poor choices.  But I started to straighten out at 15-16, and was quite responsible even while maintaining bad habits by the time I was 16-17.  I keep my kids busy, and I have a very open relationship with my teens.  I don't offer up stories of my wild days, but I listen and try not to judge and meet them on their own ground as much as possible.  My teens are much more level-headed than I was at their age.

[AimeeM]

I was a horrible teenager (TeA, smoking, drinking, partying, risky behaviour in general, teen pregnancy, expulsion from school). Only by the grace of God am I alive.

 

I pray daily that my children's teen years are nothing like my own.

 

 

[SKL]

I was a prudish teen.  I was also very introverted and possibly ASD, so I did not have serious issues with peer pressure.  My parents got lucky with me, LOL.  I did have a smart mouth at times, but I doubt my parents worried that I'd ruin my life.

[elegantlion]

I was not horrible, but there are things I did my parents still don't know about...and I'm 47. Smoking, drinking, cruising, trying to pick up guys with no intent on doing anything with them. 

 

We always heard the old tale that your kids will pay you back for your antics as a teen. I was worried because ex-dh was horrid and quite honestly, it's a miracle he made it through his teen years alive. 

 

Ds is nothing like either of us in that respect. As soon as I felt he was old enough, we discussed some of the things I did. Mostly my friends and I were bored. Ds seems able to entertain himself.

[Night Elf]

Whew! I'm glad people can relate. I came very close to being in a bad marriage because I was determined to marry my then boyfriend who had no aspirations for the future other than dealing drugs. But he went to jail and we broke up. That was bad for him, but the best thing that happened to me. It woke me up and I realized I didn't want to stay in that lifestyle.

[Dory]

I was another one of those, wort kind of teen, kids. I went to church, came across as quiet, clean, gentle, you know, they type of kid most people like. I used to sneak out my bedroom window and meet older friends down the road (so the dogs wouldn't bark) and go to parties. I drank, smoked, and slept around a lot. I lied like crazy and my parents didn't have a clue until I was 16 and then it was one bad incident (in their minds). I knew I could get whatever I wanted or needed in life from sleeping around. It worked for me, but I very, very, very, very much don't want my kids following in my footsteps.

[Rebel Yell]

I was a very extra responsible teen until I was 16. Then I got more interested in boys than horses and smoking pot than school. But I didn't get that way by accident. My parents were not good parents to me, they were just not interested in me, and some unfair things happened in school that took away all my interest that should not have happened with responsible adults in charge. 

 

:grouphug:

[Tap]

Right there with you.  I was a partier and knew my parents were too tired, and too trusting to check on me.  I was never where I said I was going to be. 

 

DS19 has always been straight as an arrow.

DD15 has a golden heart, but is more of a 'grey area' type of girl.  I have to spell out every single boundary, in clear detail, or else she will push it to the limit every time..She is Just Like Me in personality.  I make sure to check up on her, and sometimes I let her know I am there, sometimes I don't.  I try to keep her guessing lol. 

DD7 is going to be my payback.  She has very little impulse control.  She gets angry quickly and acts out violently. She is a power house of muscle and will likely pummel anyone she gets into a fight with.  (She is my great-niece) My sister and her bio-mother were both just like her, and were hellions growing up. My sister would get jellous and steal or ruin others things just because she couldn't/didn't have them. They both do very impulsive things like...dd7's bio-mom and her brother's-bio-dad and got pregnant with him at 14/15yo on purpose, so they would have a baby to love.  :banghead:   She is in-and-out of jail all the time for mostly petty stuff.....again, mostly impulse control issues. DD is in extensive therapy, but I wonder if it will all matter once she is a teenager.  :0( I dread those days. 

[Mimm]

I was an awesome teen and I deserve good teens! Isn't there some kind of teen karma here? No? Darn.

 

[Jean in Newcastle]

Another person who is very fortunate to be alive after some of the things I did as a teen.  My parents knew some of the broad strokes - like the fact that I was expelled from the dorm (but not the actual boarding school) but since I was away at boarding school there was tons that they never knew and I still won't tell them.  

[Liz CA]

Another person who is very fortunate to be alive after some of the things I did as a teen.  My parents knew some of the broad strokes - like the fact that I was expelled from the dorm (but not the actual boarding school) but since I was away at boarding school there was tons that they never knew and I still won't tell them.  

 

Ummm, yeah...now they are too old and could have a coronary. Makes me realize that my ds will do / is doing things I will never know either but that's okay because sometimes ignorance is bliss.

[MomatHWTK]

I'm not giving my kids all the details, but I will definitely be more proactive in pointing out what not to do than my parents were. :)

[MotherGoose]

No reason to share terrible things with the parents now! Only if they would think it was funny and is relatively mild, or if you know they've always secretly known there was more to the story than there was and it might be therapeutic. I wasn't too bad, overall, but there are definitely things my parents don't know about and don't need to know :)

[LucyStoner]

I was a pretty much a model teenager in action.

Worked both paid and volunteer jobs, won a lot of academic and community service awards, played softball, straight edge (zero drugs, alcohol, tobacco). Politically active. Popular with peers and teachers at a very non-traditional school.

 

But all that came in a veneer that some people might not like and would have considered problems in and of themselves- punk rocker, do my own thing attitude, mouthy, a lot of independence from my parents (in fact I basically only came home on the weekends for my junior and senior years- they moved about 30 miles north and I refused to move schools and we had no car so the daily commute was well over an hour on 2 buses.) I went skinny dipping in mixed groups. I could definitely be mean and judgmental and bitter. I don't think I asked my parents for permission to do anything after I was about 12-13, I just did it. That said, they knew they could trust me to stick to my values and not go party.

 

I was NOT sexually active but I did have a lot of male friends and spent the night at their homes quite a bit. I wasn't interested in dating much and had a very chaste boyfriend from sophomore year of high school to college as an excuse to say no to guys asking me out. This guy was everything a high school boy friend is in an 80s movie- preppy, well off, intelligent, handsome, muscular, athletic and went to a different, suburban, school. We were church friends. Anytime any male friend or classmate got too close or got interested in me, I just used the boyfriend as my out, even if I was maybe interested in the other guy. That was probably the meanest thing I did - I didn't drop the boyfriend once and for all until I'd met my now husband and had an inkling of what attraction was supposed to feel like. It was very much a relationship on my terms and I wasn't the nicest person to him despite him being nothing but a sweet, kind, respectful sort.

 

Because of my attitude and liberal beliefs I got some sort of reputation at church camp (went 4 times a year) and some people thought I was sexually active or rebellious or whatever. But I was not the one having sex or doing drugs at the camp. The "good girls and boys" were doing that.

 

I did get arrested twice as a teen- non-violent political protests.

 

I didn't do anything I would be ashamed to tell my kids about. I also know that while I wasn't the easiest child to live with that I could do a lot worse with my own kids. That said, my kids have had a childhood I never did and my nearly 11 year old seems a lot younger than I did when I was 11 and I think that is a good thing.

[Wildcat]

I didn't do anything that crazy.  A couple of times I was more reckless than I should have ideally been, but no nothing much to see here.

 

Same here. I was the "goody two shoes".

[PrairieSong]

Another goody two shoes here. I did a few crazy things but nothing over the top. The only time I drank was around my family...wine at holidays, etc. I barely dated, no steady boyfriend. The guys i liked didn't ask me out. A few who did ask me out, i did not like at ALL. My two oldest brothers were very wild and I did not want to be like them. We were close..and they calmed down in their 20's. My friends were pretty tame, too.

[Kathryn]

I was a good girl until I was raped at 14. Then, I started hanging out with the punks and skaters, skipping class, sneaking out, sleeping around, dyed my hair purple, etc. I didn't do drugs, drink, or smoke though. My mother never said anything about my sudden behavior change.

[Katy]

I was pretty good, but a lazy procrastinating perfectionist who still managed to get on the honor roll despite doing no homework. Most of the reason I'm homeschooling is that I want my kids to develop the good study habits I didn't develop until I nearly flunked college calculus.

 

I didn't feel the need to lie or rebel, probably because my parents did much worse things than I could ever do and they were honest about it.  They always talked honestly, talked about the natural consequences of choices I could make, talked about the choices they wished I'd make but that I'd probably do X(bad thing) instead, and they'd love me no matter what I did.  All need to rebel vanished with that.

[Annie Laurie]

Sorry, I'm the worst at changing my mind. Felt like too much exposure on the internet.

[Annie Laurie]

I didn't feel the need to lie or rebel, probably because my parents did much worse things than I could ever do and they were honest about it.  They always talked honestly, talked about the natural consequences of choices I could make, talked about the choices they wished I'd make but that I'd probably do X(bad thing) instead, and they'd love me no matter what I did.  All need to rebel vanished with that.

 

This is exactly what we do, and I think it helped build an open and honest relationship with my oldest, even when he made choices that weren't great, he felt safe telling us. I was always honest about my own past choices.

[momto10blessings]

I was a wild teen. One reason I homeschool is that I don't want my kids to be exposed to the things I was exposed to at such a young age.

[JustEm]

I hope my children are nothing like me when they are teenagers.  I don't really worry about the occasional smoking up or drinking but  I don't want them to have the sexual experiences I had while I was a teen.  I want them to respect themselves enough to wait till they are mature enough to fully understand the possible consequences, physically and mentally, of those types of actions.  

[lavender's green]

I was a perfect teen.  I got excellent grades, took challenging classes, juggled extra-curriculars.  I volunteered at a retirement community and had a part-time job.  I always made the right choices.  No drinking, no drugs, no parties.  I wasn't even mouthy. 

 

I didn't realize at the time that I was the golden child in a dysfunctional family. 

 

At 19, almost 20, the act got to be too much.  It literally broke me.

 

I have no idea how to raise my kids throught the teen years!  I don't want them to wind up like I did, but I also don't want to deal with tons of craziness...

[swellmomma]

Generally speaking I was a good teen.  Never drank, never smoked, never tried drugs.  But I did make stupid choices, I cut class, slept with my boy friends, ran away from home(after my folks blamed me for my boyfriend abusing me verbally, physically, and sexually), clung to the hood of a truck doing donuts, rode around in the trunk when there was no seats/laps left to fit all 11 of us into the 5 passenger car. At the same time I had good grades, worked 15 hours a week from grade 6 through grade 12, volunteered around the school was in girl guiding etc As for my kids, I hope they grow up to be like me mostly.  If they can be mostly responsible, stay sober but have some stories to share when they are grown I will be okay.  I do hope they don't pile into cars the way I did and don't sleep with their boyfriends/girlfriends.  But I think despite the mistakes I made I turned out alright so I hope for the same with them.  It's not the teenage years without at least a story or 2 to look back on and wonder "what was I thinking?" Given that I would never blame them for abuse and we are very open about everything I doubt they will have the struggles I had and will instead stick with stupid hijinks...I hope

[Laura Corin]

I had boyfriends, drank and went to parties.  I don't see any of that as negative.  I looked after myself and had a lot of fun.  I hope my boys do the same.

 

L

[Tap]

I was pretty good, but a lazy procrastinating perfectionist who still managed to get on the honor roll despite doing no homework. Most of the reason I'm homeschooling is that I want my kids to develop the good study habits I didn't develop until I nearly flunked college calculus.

 

I didn't feel the need to lie or rebel, probably because my parents did much worse things than I could ever do and they were honest about it.  They always talked honestly, talked about the natural consequences of choices I could make, talked about the choices they wished I'd make but that I'd probably do X(bad thing) instead, and they'd love me no matter what I did.  All need to rebel vanished with that.

This is part of the reason, I don't tell my kids most of what I did.....I didn't have any consequences.

 

I started having sex at 14.  No STDS.  No Pregnancy. No non-consensual sex. No weird relationships.  I was in charge of my body and well aware of the power I had with it. We just had fun, messed around, and went home. It is hard to tell your 15yo dd that.

 

I drank, A Lot. (Like pretty much 3x a week for my JR and SR years).  I never got an MIP (minor in possession ticket).  One party I went to that got busted, I even had a cop ask it I was "sober enough" to drive someone elses car home, even though I told him I didn't have my license yet, but knew how to drive. The cops didn't want it left in the woods overnight.  I never had blackouts.  I never woke up with someone I didn't know.  I never had alcohol poisoning.  I drank, had fun and went home.

 

I didn't do drugs.  But dh did.  No problems.  Stopped when he wanted to. Etc

 

I skipped school all the time and the lowest my GPA ever fell was too a 3.5.  I graduated with awards and honors.

 

I drove with teens.  Yep, I'm still here. Just fine.  No accidents, no injuries.

 

ETC.

 

I tell my kids to not do stupid things, but I don't tell them specifics about my life because I don't want it to seem....safe. 

 

 

I

[In2why]

I survived, but just barely and none of my adult kids have been half as rough but I still have two more to get there.   I don't regret most of my choices because I like who I am now and might not have gotten to this point any other way.  But I walk a fine line between understanding, being too tough, being honest and when with my kids.   Basically if they were old enough to ask, then they were old enough to hear the truth.  

[Katy]

This is part of the reason, I don't tell my kids most of what I did.....I didn't have any consequences.

 

 

Oh sweetie, they didn't tell me the consequences of their decisions as if their lack of consequences for them would mean I wouldn't either.  They did heroin with someone who died from AIDS 5 years later.  They were lucky to be alive, but they hadn't personally suffered many consequences either.

 

They talked about all possible natural consequences FOR ME and then let me make my own choices.

 

They also talked about severity in real terms.  When I left for college my dad gave me a long lecture about drugs- which ones to never do (meth, heroin), which ones might be okay in small doses if I trusted the source, and "smoke all the pot you want, that'll just make you fat."

[idnib]

I was a good girl until I was raped at 14. Then, I started hanging out with the punks and skaters, skipping class, sneaking out, sleeping around, dyed my hair purple, etc. I didn't do drugs, drink, or smoke though. My mother never said anything about my sudden behavior change.

 

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[Barb_]

Nurture can only take you so far. My first was a challenging personality. My second was a dream child. The third is not as difficult as the first but is definitely tougher to raise than #2. The jury is out on my 4th but I'm pretty sure #5 is going to be super easy. The others are too little to call. You can do your very best but a lot has to do with the child's temperament and other factors like friends, romance, jobs, etc. I believe personality is pretty set by about 16. There is obviously more maturation yet to take place but they are who they'll be at that point for good or for ill.

[ElizabethB]

I was the worst type of teenager of all because I was a bad girl who had everyone convinced I was a good girl. I was the student council president, cheerleader captain, honor student, Christian girl ... Who was smoking, drinking and screwing my way through high school. My parents never knew. I was very adept at lying. Of course, they didn't really want to know either. They liked living in denial.

 

Things are much different for my children. After the type of teen I was, and after teaching high school for over a decade, I know what teens do, how they get away with it, the lies they tell, etc. My teen gets away with nothing.

You need to write a book about this, we will all buy it!!! I will have teenagers soon...

[Jenny in Florida]

I was a mess as a teen. I made mistakes and got into trouble that has followed me throughout my adulthood. 

 

I am, honestly, often flabbergasted at how great my kids and their friends are in comparison. While each of them has known kids who are not on the straight and narrow, they and all of their close friends seem to be weathering adolescence remarkably unscathed. At an age when my cohorts and I were skipping school to hang out playing D&D and experimenting with all kinds of forbidden stuff, these kids, for the most part, do well in school, participate in a variety of healthy activities including volunteering/community service, get along reasonably well with their families, speak politely to adults . . . 

 

It's kind of mind-blowing to me.

 

I did see this article the other day, though, that suggests my observations aren't unusual:

 

http://www.vox.com/2014/5/25/5748178/todays-teenagers-are-the-best-behaved-generation-on-record

[Jenny in Florida]

 

I didn't feel the need to lie or rebel, probably because my parents did much worse things than I could ever do and they were honest about it.  They always talked honestly, talked about the natural consequences of choices I could make, talked about the choices they wished I'd make but that I'd probably do X(bad thing) instead, and they'd love me no matter what I did.  All need to rebel vanished with that.

 

 

This is exactly what we do, and I think it helped build an open and honest relationship with my oldest, even when he made choices that weren't great, he felt safe telling us. I was always honest about my own past choices.

 

Yes, we've been pretty honest with our kids, too. I mean, we've spared them the nitty-gritty details, but we've talked about our poor choices, some of the reasons we think we made them, the consequences of those choices and how our experiences have informed the way we have parented our kids. 

 

I don't want to take anything for granted or pat myself on the back. I have no idea whether our kids would have been saner than us even if we had done things differently. But I can say that both of my kids have come to me on many occasions to talk out their experience and choices and to discuss encounters with other teens that have upset or confused them. They tell us about their mistakes with an openness I cherish. 

[Heather in Neverland]

No reason to share terrible things with the parents now! Only if they would think it was funny and is relatively mild, or if you know they've always secretly known there was more to the story than there was and it might be therapeutic. I wasn't too bad, overall, but there are definitely things my parents don't know about and don't need to know :)

I could never tell my mother what was really going on when I was a teen. My mom lives in this blissful little world of denial where she was a perfect mother and I was the perfect child. If she found out the truth it would crush her. I can't do that to her.

[Garga]

I was a total dorky nerd who couldn't get a boy to be interested in me if I'd begged and didn't have any friends. I was also a judgemental goody-two-shoes. No one could stand to be around me.

 

I read a lot of books and stayed in my room as much as possible. It's really hard to get into trouble if no one wants to hang out with you.

 

I hope my kids aren't like I was as a teen. But, of course, I hope they're not wild either!

[Garga]

I was a good girl until I was raped at 14. Then, I started hanging out with the punks and skaters, skipping class, sneaking out, sleeping around, dyed my hair purple, etc. I didn't do drugs, drink, or smoke though. My mother never said anything about my sudden behavior change.

Dang. Hugs. :(

[Annie Laurie]

 

I don't want to take anything for granted or pat myself on the back. I have no idea whether our kids would have been saner than us even if we had done things differently. But I can say that both of my kids have come to me on many occasions to talk out their experience and choices and to discuss encounters with other teens that have upset or confused them. They tell us about their mistakes with an openness I cherish. 

 

I agree, it's a blessing to have kids who feel safe about being open with their parents. But I'm definitely not patting myself on the back that my oldest has done better than I did. Parenting doesn't always make a difference, and I have 4 more kids to get through the teens.

[freeindeed]

I am another who is in the "bad girl that all the adults thought was good girl" teen camp. My kids get away with NOTHING. :)

[DawnM]

I must have done something wrong.  I am the opposite of many of you.  Parents thought I was the bad girl and I wasn't.  It probably had to do with my smart mouth as a teen.

 

I didn't have sex, I didn't drink, no drugs, and I usually made decent decisions.  However, I was fiercely independent and didn't like to be told what to do (I wanted the decisions to be mine and not because someone told me to.)  So, I think I spouted off a bit too much.

 

I remember being accused of cheating by my English teacher.  I was NOT cheating.  I was writing a note to my boyfriend during class.  She was sure I had cheated.  She did not like me at all.......again, probably because I spoke my mind.

 

I still have that problem.  I believe strongly in doing the right thing and honoring God in the things we do, but I will be the first to tell someone off for being racist, making fun of others, or just generally being ignorant.  It isn't always in love  :closedeyes: .

[elegantlion]

I am another who is in the "bad girl that all the adults thought was good girl" teen camp. My kids get away with NOTHING. :)

 

:lol: This is one benefit. Ds couldn't get away with anything because I know all the signs, his father was worse as a kid. Fortunately, ds is a good kid. 

[wingedradical]

I had alcoholic father, plus it was '60s. I ran away from home (and stayed) at age 15, did drugs and slept around. My husband did the same - that is how we met. I never stole, lied and cheated, though - my mother pounded that into me and for some reason, those things took!

 

Neither of our sons gave us any trouble whatsoever. I've read that the wilder you were as a teenager, the stricter you usually are with your own. That was certainly true with my oldest. But I think I was very fortunate. I think often parents are too strict or too lenient, depending upon their own teen experience and that can cause problems because your children aren't you.

 

Just out of curiosity, those of you with "pasts," are you honest about it with your children? We were, and it seemed to work for their good. But I am much more hesitant in sharing those things with my foster daughter. Perhaps I unconsciously sense that it might not be good for her, I don't know.