Do you check in with your spouse when you're out?

[HappyLady]

If you go out, I don't mean grocery shopping or anything like that, and you're at an event where there's alcohol and you'll be out late, do you check in with your spouse to let them know you're ok and what time you'll be home?  If you know you'll be gone for a long time frame, like more than 4 hours, do you call regardless of the situation?

[marbel]

If either my husband or I are out separately, we typically text or call when on the way home.  Most of the time it's to see if anything is needed from the store.   :lol:   We don't have many light-night events so typically everyone is home by 11 anyway. 

 

ETA: I'm not sure what the alcohol connection is.  One or the other of us will occasionally go out for a drink with a friend.  Neither of us drinks to the point of impairment. 

[Jean in Newcastle]

No.  Not unless plans change.  

[MomtoCandJ]

Yup, so he can leave the porch light on for me and know about what time I should be there

[Ellie]

If you go out, I don't mean grocery shopping or anything like that, and you're at an event where there's alcohol and you'll be out late, do you check in with your spouse to let them know you're ok and what time you'll be home?  If you know you'll be gone for a long time frame, like more than 4 hours, do you call regardless of the situation?

 

Uh, no. Not unless I told him I would be home significantly later than I had expected to be. Why would I do that? :huh:

[lavender's green]

My social life doesn't really involve one-spouse-only parties with alcohol.  But when I'm out late babysitting for our friends across town I'll call to let him know when I'm on my way home.  Just seems like common sense when driving through this particular city late at night.  And it was also common sense when we lived in a rural area with lots of deer.

 

And I just like to chat with him for a minute.  :001_wub:

[kwickimom]

Nope. Only if I were to be super late.

[carriede]

Hmm For DH and I, we'd discuss ahead of time what time the "going-outer" would be home, so there'd be that expectation. If the going-outer were to be more than say, 30 minutes late, there'd be a call home. I usually call home when I'm on my way, reguardless of punctuality. DH only calls if he'll be late.

 

If DH is late and doesn't call, I call him to make sure everything is okay. He's never been offended.

[ThisIsTheDay]

I wouldn't go out at night alone to an event where there's alcohol, but if I'm out at night, I just make sure someone at home has a phone nearby.

 

I often leave for work in the morning when my dh is sleeping, so I make sure his phone is nearby. I want to be able to reach him if I had car trouble or anything else.  (That's never happened in 20+ years, but you never know!)

 

I frequently go trips of several hundred miles, whether it's a day trip visiting dd at college or seeing friends who are visiting (relatively) nearby, or on overnight trips to visit extended family.  I try to call dh when I get there, but sometimes I forget and he calls to make sure I arrived safely.

 

But the way you are typing your question makes me wonder if you are expecting your dh to be checking in before he leaves such an event.  I wouldn't call, nor would I expect my dh to call.  If I asked him to let me know when he was leaving, I would expect him to honor that request.

[OneStepAtATime]

DH does this randomly.  Sometimes he will contact me numerous times in an evening if he will be out late for business dinners, etc., through text messages (but I think this is more boredom than anything else).

 

But yes, if one of us will be significantly later than we thought we would be, we usually try to contact the other to let them know.  Also, if we are at a location that the other one has never been to,  we try to leave information on where it is at and we discuss how long, approximately, we will be so if something were to go wrong, and the other spouse couldn't reach them by cell phone we would have some idea where to start looking.  I don't drive at night because of vision issues, though, so this does not come up terribly often from my end.

 

Edited to add:  I know that if I were attending a social event without DH I would definitely give him the courtesy of a call when I head home, for safety reasons if nothing else.  I would not expect DH would necessarily remember to do the same if he is still going to be home at a fairly reasonable hour (any time before 10pm for me).  However, if I had cooked dinner and was expecting him home for dinner and he was going to be significantly late coming home, I would definitely expect a phone call.  And if it was getting extremely late and he was out with friends I would expect a phone call so that I wouldn't worry.  

[Hikin' Mama]

I would only call if I were going to be later than originally planned. Otherwise, we've already discussed the details. I don't expect teen kids to call when they are out, unless their plans change, so I wouldn't do it as an adult.

[SproutMamaK]

Only if I (or he) will be home significantly later than expected. Although when he's out he'll frankly call or send me a text just to share an interesting story or ask a question or something.

[linders]

At night, I usually call before I leave wherever, because the last stretch of road before our development is 2 miles of narrow, deer-infested forest and I want him to think about sending help if I don't show up at home.

 

Plus, it gives him and the boys time to scramble and pretend they were sent to bed on time instead of watching Alien 3 on a school night.

[Cinder]

We're not generally at events late at night with alcohol but, no, we don't usually check in with each other unless we'll be much later than expected.

 

Last year when ds1 was dual-enrolled at the local U one of his classes was at night and he'd call as he walked to the parking garage. I think it just helped him feel better to be connected to someone because the campus was large and dark and vacant.

 

Other than that dh will often call on his way home from work to see if I need anything from the store.

[Soror]

This doesn't happen much and not lately but if I happen to be out with the girls I'd only call on the way home. Dh usually calls sometime during his monthly poker night, to say hi and goodnight. I have no idea of when he comes home though. Neither of us do events with alcohol, our friends are all tee-totalers. 

[texasmama]

I usually call him on the way home because I am chatty like that.  I do get together at times with friends from high school, and they drink (some of them quite a lot).  I don't drink alcohol at all.  Dh doesn't go out with anyone who drinks alcohol, but he will call me on the way home from social get togethers sometimes.  There is no rule about it.  Dh and I are friends and we like to keep in touch and all.

[poppy]

No, not usually.  We get in touch if there is a need. 

 

I know people who call their spouse when the arrive to say they are safe, and when they are leaving to say they'll be home soon.  Whatever works for them is fine, of course, but it always strikes me as a little sad. More of a child/parent behavior than a trusted partner behavior.  Or there are severe anxiety issues at play.

[Caroline]

DH and I text each other whenever we are apart. We text during the work day. We text each other when we are at separate soccer games. We text each other if one of us is out of town. I'll text him from the grocery store. So if we are out in the evening apart, we'll text each other. I don't think we are really checking up on each other. I don't think it is a matter of not trusting each other. We are just best friends and keep in touch. 

[KungFuPanda]

No. We have an app for that :-)

[Mommyof4ks]

I was raised with the idea that someone should always know where you are and when to expect you back even as an adult, so yes I check in with dh if I go anywhere and let him know if plans change and when I will be home. Dh was not raised that way, and he does not check in. It bugs me, but it is my own issue, not his, unless he goes missing, then he is SOL if I have no idea where to start looking lol.

[ksr5377]

No, as others have said, not unless we're going to be unusually late.  And that pretty much means after 2am.  Whoever is the one at home is generally in bed sleeping when the one that was out gets back.  Example: Last night DH went out with friends.  I went to bed 15 minutes after the kids.  I would have been nothing but annoyed if he would have called to let me know he was on his way home!

[OneStepAtATime]

I will share a story that seems relevant.  :)

 

I have a friend whose husband had a couple of bad influence buddies he sometimes hung out with.  One day he called her on his way home from work and asked if she wanted him to bring in take out for dinner since they had both had to work sort of late.  She said sure and packed up to head home from work (they worked in different parts of town).  She went home and waited and waited ....and waited.  She tried calling him on his cell and finally reached him after several attempts.  He apologized and explained that his buddies had called and asked if he would go for a quick drink with them.  She asked if next time he could call so she wouldn't be worried.  He agreed, but after he got off the phone his buddies teased him and heckled him and told him he shouldn't have to report every little thing he did to his wife like he was some little kid.  They convinced him to drive to another city with them to go party a little longer.  He did.  And he didn't call.   She waited hours for him to come home.  She could not reach him.  She knew he had been drinking,  She started calling the police, hospitals, she drove around the area he had last said he was.  By 5am she was frantic.  And he finally walked in the door, drunk.  She was furious.  But she was smart.   She got him to bed, waited til he had slept it off, then quietly explained how worried she had been.  He was unsympathetic and told her she couldn't control him.  She did not get outwardly angry.  She waited, knowing it was his buddies who were actually speaking.

 

 In fact, she waited 6 months.  Then she called him one day and told him she was going to get take out on the way home and rent a movie so they could spend a nice quiet evening together.  Then she went out with friends.   All night.  No phone call.  She didn't drink but they did go to a very late movie and hung out talking at a friend's apartment afterwards.  She finally got home and he was really upset.  He had been terrified that something had happened to her.  She quietly explained that that was EXACTLY why she had been upset when he didn't come home all those months before.   That it didn't have anything to do with control and everything to do with courtesy and respect and love for one another.  He got angry and defensive at first, then finally agreed he had been a total jerk.  He ended up dumping his bad influence buddies and their marriage is much stronger now.

 

Anyway, just thought I would share.  I don't know if I would have the patience to wait 6 months to make my point, but I was fascinated that she did.

[Mergath]

Not unless I'm going to be late enough for him to start worrying.  

[Word Nerd]

We text regularly anyway because we like to, and I'm in contact with him if I'm ever out without him unless it's a movie or a performance. I let him know when I'm leaving somewhere at night, but it doesn't come up much.

[regentrude]

No.

I will only call if plans change and I'll be home much later than expected.

[Julie Smith]

Yes.

 

Dh always has his phone with him and will text me occasionally.

 

I don't. But when im out, I don't mind if he calls or texts for no reason in particular. I simply can't be bothered to use my phone often.

[Happy]

I will share a story that seems relevant.   :)

 

I have a friend whose husband had a couple of bad influence buddies he sometimes hung out with.  One day he called her on his way home from work and asked if she wanted him to bring in take out for dinner since they had both had to work sort of late.  She said sure and packed up to head home from work (they worked in different parts of town).  She went home and waited and waited ....and waited.  She tried calling him on his cell and finally reached him after several attempts.  He apologized and explained that his buddies had called and asked if he would go for a quick drink with them.  She asked if next time he could call so she wouldn't be worried.  He agreed, but after he got off the phone his buddies teased him and heckled him and told him he shouldn't have to report every little thing he did to his wife like he was some little kid.  They convinced him to drive to another city with them to go party a little longer.  He did.  And he didn't call.   She waited hours for him to come home.  She could not reach him.  She knew he had been drinking,  She started calling the police, hospitals, she drove around the area he had last said he was.  By 5am she was frantic.  And he finally walked in the door, drunk.  She was furious.  But she was smart.   She got him to bed, waited til he had slept it off, then quietly explained how worried she had been.  He was unsympathetic and told her she couldn't control him.  She did not get outwardly angry.  She waited, knowing it was his buddies who were actually speaking.

 

 In fact, she waited 6 months.  Then she called him one day and told him she was going to get take out on the way home and rent a movie so they could spend a nice quiet evening together.  Then she went out with friends.   All night.  No phone call.  She didn't drink but they did go to a very late movie and hung out talking at a friend's apartment afterwards.  She finally got home and he was really upset.  He had been terrified that something had happened to her.  She quietly explained that that was EXACTLY why she had been upset when he didn't come home all those months before.   That it didn't have anything to do with control and everything to do with courtesy and respect and love for one another.  He got angry and defensive at first, then finally agreed he had been a total jerk.  He ended up dumping his bad influence buddies and their marriage is much stronger now.

 

Anyway, just thought I would share.  I don't know if I would have the patience to wait 6 months to make my point, but I was fascinated that she did.

 

 

 

In the days before cell phones, my pilot husband often called me from pay phones near the airport or from the hotel lobby phones while he waited for the rest of his crew. A particular captain started giving him a hard time about always calling home. My dh is a very quiet man and he really hates to get in anyone's face...but after several days of razzing, my dh looked the captain in the eye and said, 'phone calls are cheaper than divorces...'  To which the twice divorced captain had very little answer.  :coolgleamA:

 

 

We call on our way home from events, appointments, office time...whatever. It's quick, friendly, and part of who we are--connected.

[DawnM]

The events we are involved in very rarely include alcohol and I rarely partake anyway, so I would say no.

 

If we are out and will be home late, we will call or text, but overall, no.

[Guest]

In the days before cell phones, my pilot husband often called me from pay phones near the airport or from the hotel lobby phones while he waited for the rest of his crew. A particular captain started giving him a hard time about always calling home. My dh is a very quiet man and he really hates to get in anyone's face...but after several days of razzing, my dh looked the captain in the eye and said, 'phone calls are cheaper than divorces...'  To which the twice divorced captain had very little answer.  :coolgleamA:

 

 

We call on our way home from events, appointments, office time...whatever. It's quick, friendly, and part of who we are--connected.

 

This is dh and I.  I love that he will ALWAYS say I Love You before getting off the phone with me too.  He doesn't care who is standing there, or what they hear.  For us it isn't about checking up on each other....he truly is my best friend and we enjoy those little conversations without kids/coworkers/etc present.

[Word Nerd]

 

We call on our way home from events, appointments, office time...whatever. It's quick, friendly, and part of who we are--connected.

 

That's a good way to put it. 

[AmandaVT]

We usually text or call before we're heading home, especially if there's a long drive or it's late at night. If either of us are going somewhere far away, we'll usually call or text when we get there and again before we leave (and before bed if it's an overnight).

[Cosmos]

Plus, it gives him and the boys time to scramble and pretend they were sent to bed on time instead of watching Alien 3 on a school night.

 

Ha! Yes, when ds was little, if was out on my own it was because I needed a mom break. I did NOT want to come home to a kid up too late and out of bed.

 

This doesn't come up for us too much, just because our evening activities are more things like church meetings or picking the teenager up from an activity. We mostly socialize together, I guess. But we will contact each other if something is running late.

[Wildiris]

If you go out, I don't mean grocery shopping or anything like that, and you're at an event where there's alcohol and you'll be out late, do you check in with your spouse to let them know you're ok and what time you'll be home?  If you know you'll be gone for a long time frame, like more than 4 hours, do you call regardless of the situation?

 

I never do those types of events/activities without him. 

[MomtoCandJ]

Oh another reason I do check in (besides porch light) is because I usually have the girls with me and deer, lots of deer. I don't drink but I do designated driver a lot. Tonight when I leave my aunt's I will call and then he will know I should be home with in 2 hours and he knows the route I drive incase he has to get us.

[happi duck]

We keep in touch even if it is just the grocery store!

[foxbridgeacademy]

Yeah, but only because I like to talk to him and tell him all the silly/strange things people do when they have a couple drinks. 

[Joker]

We text and talk a lot anyway and it is no different if one of us is out late. I'm rarely out at night without dh but he sometimes has work related events and he is contact with me often (usually venting or sharing something funny). It has nothing to do with having a weird child/parent relationship or anxiety; it's just about staying connected with one another.

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

I often text when I'm on my way home, or if I'm going to be extra late. DH does the same.

[creekland]

We don't go out separately to social events of any sort.   We enjoy each others company too much.  ;)  We each have enough "alone with our buddies" time at work during the day.  Our friends are mutual friends, so when we get together for fun, we're both there.

 

However, when we go out running errands or whatever alone, we'll almost always call whoever is back home before we leave town - mainly to be sure we're not forgetting anything if something else got remembered.

 

Hubby often has township meetings at night.  If these end before it's too late, he'll call before he comes home (certainly NOT due to me being worried about what he's doing!).  It's just a courtesy call - mainly because we're in that "enjoys being connected" group others mentioned.   If it's late, he knows I'll already be in bed, so doesn't call.  I hear about the meeting the next day.

[KatieJ]

Yes, but not always.  He tends to check in with me more often if he is the one at home.

[QueenCat]

I'll call home if I'm going to be significantly later than I'd originally told him. I don't call/text while I'm visiting with my girlfriends (I think that is rude to the people I'm with) but I'll answer if it's child/husband as they only call for really important things if they know I'm with friends, and not just out & about. If I'm stopping at the grocery store on my way home, I'll call to see if anyone wants anything. I don't really like to talk while I'm driving, and only do it for quick conversations (with wireless headset!) so we catch up on whatever when I get home. It's usually me that is out, not him, for social things, like a girls night out.

[Julie Smith]

I don't. Simply because I am rarely out for anything more then puttering errands around town. I'm also bad about having my cell phone charged, with me, or if with me within easy reach. I also bought the cheapest plan so I have to pay per text. 

 

I use to always end phone calls with, "I love you". But that backfired because I just got use to ending all phone calls that way and said it to some people I should not have, such as telemarketers. 

[Jenn121]

My situation is a little unique.  My husband is in law enforcement so considering what he sees on a regular basis he worries. Considering he is in law enforcement I worry a little. 

 

So we text. He always send me a text when he gets off shift and is on his way home. I always text him when the kids and I get home from the days activities. He works swings, so is not home in the evenings. Neither of us look at it as control but this habit does spill over into our social activities. We rarely go out separately but if we do we text a couple times just as a quick check in.  We look at as meeting each others needs.

 

 

[SKL]

If I am significantly off my expected schedule or have any reason to think there might be a safety concern, I will let people know, A, not to expect me at the original time, and B, when I expect to be home.  This might involve 2 calls/texts depending on the situation.  I am not one to call just to share how things are going etc.  I know people like that and I find it annyoing.

[gardenmom5]

No

[Laura Corin]

I only call if there's a change of plans - if I'm going to be back later than expected.  I don't call simply because I am away for a (planned) period of several hours.

 

L

[marbel]

I'll call home if I'm going to be significantly later than I'd originally told him. I don't call/text while I'm visiting with my girlfriends (I think that is rude to the people I'm with) but I'll answer if it's child/husband as they only call for really important things if they know I'm with friends, and not just out & about. If I'm stopping at the grocery store on my way home, I'll call to see if anyone wants anything. I don't really like to talk while I'm driving, and only do it for quick conversations (with wireless headset!) so we catch up on whatever when I get home. It's usually me that is out, not him, for social things, like a girls night out.

 

This is us too.  It has nothing to do with how connected we are as a couple; we connect when we get home.  I do think it's rude when I'm out with friends and the conversation is frequently interrupted with someone getting and responding to a social call or text.  My husband and I do have some separate friendship activities (my coffee/wine dates with homeschooling moms, his post-meeting beer with work colleagues) and we respect each others' time with those people.  

[Julie Smith]

This is us too. It has nothing to do with how connected we are as a couple; we connect when we get home. I do think it's rude when I'm out with friends and the conversation is frequently interrupted with someone getting and responding to a social call or text. My husband and I do have some separate friendship activities (my coffee/wine dates with homeschooling moms, his post-meeting beer with work colleagues) and we respect each others' time with those people.

I agree that can be rude. Happily I don't know thinks know anyone like that.

 

We dh and myself it is usually the following texts.

 

Arrived safely. All good.

(x amount of time later)

Leaving now. Home in x minutes. All good.

[Susan in TN]

I don't have a cell phone, so I will only call if it is absolutely necessary and I am able to find/borrow a phone.

[Mrs Mungo]

If I was expected home at x time, and I wasn't going to make it by that time, then I would call/text ahead of that time to let him know. I call/text before heading home, regardless. DH does the same. It doesn't have to be late at night or for there to be alcohol involved for is to do those things.