Kinda don't know how to feel. My biological mother just found me on facebook.

[*********]

My mom and dad divorced when I was 4. Dad got custody because mom was into drugs.

 

Mom stopped coming around for visitation when I was 8.

 

I looked mom up when I was 18, went across town to find her. She didn't recognize me. She also didn't call or write even though I gave her my contact info.

 

I'm 35 now. Haven't heard from her in 17 years. And she just friended me on facebook.

[unsinkable]

Oh, honey! I am so sorry!

[NotSoObvious]

Wow. What do you think her intentions/expectations are? Is she clean now?

 

I always wonder what my girls will think of their bmom when they are adults.

[Mama Geek]

:grouphug:

[twinmami01]

Wow! I'm sorry. I can't imagine how difficult that would be. (((((HUGS))))

[catz]

Awww. I would not hesitate to ignore the request or even block her. Even it's to buy you some time to think about it.

[MrsBasil]

((hugs))

[AlmiraGulch]

Wow. What a year you're having. I have no advice, but I'm sure whatever you decide to do will be the right thing.

[Guest inoubliable]

I wouldn't have bothered accepting the friend request. Then I'd have gone a step further and blocked her.

[*********]

I friended her. Then made her prove it was really her.

 

Then I told her she had already started off on the wrong foot with me because she made some comment like "your dad took you away from me". Now is not the time for anyone to talk bad to me about my dad. Especially her.

[PrincessMommy]

I friended her. Then made her prove it was really her.

 

Then I told her she had already started off on the wrong foot with me because she made some comment like "your dad took you away from me". Now is not the time for anyone to talk bad to me about my dad. Especially her.

 

 

oh dear. That's not a good start. I would unfriend her before she causes you more pain.

[Random]

I friended her. Then made her prove it was really her.

 

Then I told her she had already started off on the wrong foot with me because she made some comment like "your dad took you away from me". Now is not the time for anyone to talk bad to me about my dad. Especially her.

 

It doesn't seem as though she's interested in building a healthy relationship with you.

 

:grouphug:

[*********]

Ah, we shall see.

 

I'm just kinda stunned right now.

[Spryte]

I friended her. Then made her prove it was really her.

 

Then I told her she had already started off on the wrong foot with me because she made some comment like "your dad took you away from me". Now is not the time for anyone to talk bad to me about my dad. Especially her.

 

Oh no. :( That's not a good beginning at all.

 

You've got so much going on right now, it's okay to give this some time and space. :grouphug: We have reunion issues in our house - DH's, and some others' - and re-opening contact is so fraught with emotion... We've all had to learn that there are times we are just too ... I don't know the right word here, but what comes to mind is that our cups are too full to handle more without overflowing. If you are overflowing already, Bethany, it's okay to put this on the shelf for now.

 

 

 

Oh, and please let me know if you'd like me to remove the quote, I just wasn't sure what I was trying to say would make sense without it.

[Dandelion]

Wow. What a way to try to reconnect with you after all these years. :grouphug: I don't have any advice and can only imagine how difficult this is for you. I do agree with previous posters that unfriending her is probably best. Facebook just doesn't seem like the best medium for trying to reestablish some sort of relationship (if that's what you choose to do). :grouphug:

[OnTheBrink]

Don't be afraid to use the "block" feature if needed. (((hug)))

[Chris in VA]

Hugs to you. That must be so stressful. Does she know about your dad's condition? Idk what I would do. You choose what's best for you, my dear.

[Word Nerd]

Wow. That must be quite a lot to take in when you're already dealing with so much.

[milovany]

I think I would message her saying "I need real-life relationship, not internet relationship. If you're ready for that, here's my phone number." I think it's important to maintain an attitude of love, compassion and forgiveness, as Christians, but it's not real to forge this kind of relationship on the internet. This situation needs to be real life. My $.02.

[TammyS]

 

It doesn't seem as though she's interested in building a healthy relationship with you.

 

:grouphug:

 

Or, she may want to, but lack the skills to do so.

 

I would suggest to her that FB is hardly the proper venue for this sort of thing. And if she really wants to establish a relationship, it be through a counselor, at her expense.

[AmyontheFarm]

You could put her under your acquaintance list. That way you can't see anything she posts unless you feel strong enough to actually go and look for yourself.

[mommaduck]

I friended her. Then made her prove it was really her.

 

Then I told her she had already started off on the wrong foot with me because she made some comment like "your dad took you away from me". Now is not the time for anyone to talk bad to me about my dad. Especially her.

 

:grouphug: oh, honey, I can relate...very, very much. First phone conversation with my dad in my early thirties started with "I just wanted you to know that your mother cheated, too"...aiaiai...she and my stepdad raised me; he on the other hand had a history of abandoning wives and children. I ran into him the other day (along with his twenty-nine year old girlfriend). I've agreed to let him meet the kids, but it will be a cautious meeting. My sisters and I are very upfront with him. We don't sugarcoat things. He's screwed up big time over and over and over. He's admitted this. But, like I told him, the proof is in the pudding. Maybe he finally realises he'll die a lonely, old man. Maybe, he simply needs to on good terms. Who knows (he's fighting cancer).

 

Many prayers for you. It can be a rollercoaster ride. However, you can be a blessing. I've had to close the door before only to open it at a later time. I have strict boundaries. I also know that one has to balance that with grace. Again, many prayers for you. Be honest, be loving, be firm.

[Twigs]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[JumpyTheFrog]

You don't need this kind of emotional stress in your life. I would seriously consider un-friending her.

[Guest submarines]

 

 

oh dear. That's not a good start. I would unfriend her before she causes you more pain.

 

 

:iagree: Unfriend. Block. :grouphug:

[Tammyla]

Re-writing history is often attempted by people who feel guilty, and want to make themselves look and feel better about what they did. It really stinks when it's family doing it.

 

I'll just hope she can look past her wants, and find it in her heart to support you and your dad now. :grouphug:

[AnIslandGirl]

Wow, what a hard position to be put in. An acquaintance just went through a similar thing (his mother sent him a text after not seeing/ talking to him for 20 years)... here's his blog post about it and his emotional response to her, scroll down to: Why I Hate My Biological Mother- The Final Exchange http://thehickman.tumblr.com/page/3 (WARNING, he is rather crass, and his blog often has rude language, if this bothers you, please do not open)

 

Just wanted to let you know you're not alone in not knowing how to feel. :grouphug:

[Desert Rat]

:grouphug: :grouphug:

 

If you want to see how things will play out, at the very least hide her. I would tell her that upfront that you are very stressed and you can't handle any from her, that includes one word against your dad. You're right. You don't need that right now at all.

[MiniBlondes]

I am stunned for you. I can't even imagine. I don't have much to add here but I did want to give you a gigantic :grouphug:

[Scarlett]

I feel your pain Bethany.

[mumto2]

Are you sure you want to do this? If I understand right she is living like an hour away. Do you really want her that close having access to your and your kids lives? You don't know her and what you know about her is not a great recommendation.

 

This is being said in kindness and from experience. I made a big mistake and reconnected my family with my father's cousin in order to fill in a geneology chart. My father said not to contact them. My mom ( my father is deceased) living nearby, has paid the price of unwelcome, sometimes frightening visits. Not the most stable bunch. I am not saying that you should not try to form a relationship just maybe an occasional email would be less informative (no pictures etc) if you choose to sever the ties.

[Delirium]

I would keep her at a distance. *hugs*

[Catwoman]

Whatever you do, do NOT tell her that your dad is sick. You don't want her trying to "reconnect" with him while he's so ill. She might just be looking for someone she can hit up for money.

[mommaduck]

Whatever you do, do NOT tell her that your dad is sick. You don't want her trying to "reconnect" with him while he's so ill. She might just be looking for someone she can hit up for money.

Exactly. I do not tell my father anything about my mother. I keep her information to myself. I would do the same with my father's information with my mother (but she cut me off when I found my father's sister ten years ago).

[Excelsior! Academy]

I have watched two siblings go through being found by biological parents, and I am raising my sister's children. She is very likely going to be out of their lives for quite sometime. I obviously don't know how you are feeling, but have observed the emotions first hand. I am so sorry you are in this situation. My prayers are with you.

[Parrothead]

Do not give her money!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

:grouphug:

[*********]

Do not give her money!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

:grouphug:

 

 

Gotcha. :D

 

Don't worry about me, ladies. I'm not all "OH! My long lost Mommy, at last now in my life!" LOL

 

I'm more, meh.

 

(And if she thinks she can hit my dad up for money, she's got another thing comin', lol.)

[jenL]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[treestarfae]

A drug addict for a mother is so hard. I'm sorry you had and have to go through this. Big hug!

[celticmom]

:grouphug:

[applethyme]

:grouphug:

[tex-mex]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[Wildcat]

:grouphug: :grouphug:

[HS Mom in NC]

An adoptive parent here. My daughter's birthparent's situations are nothing like yours, but maybe there are some general issues that might apply?

 

I'm thinking about all the adopted child meeting with birth parent stories I've heard and read. So I'm just thinking out loud:

 

1. Have you read or heard about other stories where adopted or estranged adult children have had contact with their biological parent(s)? If you have the inclination (you may not and that's perfectly fine) you may want to read up on the spectrum of experiences people have had keeping an eye out for all the potential issues that arrive from that. That way you can think through how those different issues came up and how they were dealt with in other situations, then you can decide how you would act or react to them and THEN decide if you even want to get into it at all.

 

2. If you want to get into a relationship with her, do you have someone knowledgeable about dealing with substance abusers who could help you understand issues related to that aspect of your situation? Maybe, if you want to, you can get some input before you decide to proceed that will give a heads up about trouble spots and how to avoid them.

 

3. Is this a good time in your life for something that is a very intense emotional experience? How is the support with your spouse? Your extended family? How is your support when it comes to your religious or spiritual beliefs?How are your kids right at the moment? If this drains you, is a safety net ready, willing, and able to give you what you need if you choose a relationship with her? Are you over extended or challenged emotionally or physically in any other aspects of your life right now? Anything challenging coming up in the near or not too distant future?

 

Something I've heard that might be helpful in making major decisions is this:

 

A. What's the best possible outcome if you do?

B. What the best possible outcome if you don't?

C. What's the worst possible outcome if you do?

D. What's the worst possible outcome if you don't?

 

If my adopted child chooses to try to locate her birthparents and any half siblings that may be out there, I'm going to tell her this:

 

You get to decide to do whatever you want in this situation. You get to change your mind later if you want to and bring it to a screeching halt or go forward with it. You're entitled to feel whatever you feel whenever you feel it. You are entitled to expect those who love you to be kind, loving and supportive but remember, sometimes they may need you to tell them how to do that.

[besroma]

Bethany, I am so sorry. You have handled so much this year! :grouphug:

[MercyA]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[Heather in Neverland]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[DaffodilDreams]

Bethany, have you thought about putting her on your restricted list so she can't see what you post? This works as long as your posts aren't set to "public". That way you don't have to unfriend her at this point (if you don't want to), but she can't get too personal of a glimpse into your life until you are ready for her to have that privilege.

 

[Melissa in Australia]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[TN Mama]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: and prayers.