Kinda don't know how to feel. My biological mother just found me on facebook.

[nono]

:grouphug: :grouphug: I don't have any advice, but I did want to say you sound like you have your head on straight. Keep on being you!

[Tiramisu]

I friended her. Then made her prove it was really her.

 

Then I told her she had already started off on the wrong foot with me because she made some comment like "your dad took you away from me". Now is not the time for anyone to talk bad to me about my dad. Especially her.

 

 

My dad left us when I was nine and a couple of years later disappeared completely. Before that, I was his "favorite". As an adult, after a bit of a search, I contacted him because I had had an experience (airplane malfunction) where I could have died which led to to want to set things straight in my life. I guess I need to to know that I did my part to make things "normal."

 

Since that time, almost every interaction with him has included his blaming other people for all the things he has done wrong. Finally, on one occasion, he quoted scripture in order to manipulate me into taking responsibility for something which was definitely not my responsibility in order to rid himself of something he no longer wanted the burden of. That let me know it was better that he was not in my life and since then we've had almost no contact.

 

When he had an serious accident and was in danger of death, I spoke with him by phone at the hospital in order to tell him I forgave him for all he did (abandoning us). He cried, but that's all. At this point, I'm satisfied that I've done my part. I have a full life, and I don't feel like I'm missing anything by not having him a part of it.

 

I understand the need to want to friend your mom and the hope for a relationship. I'm sorry that she's blaming things on your dad. I very much wish it were different for you, that perhaps that she could face what she did and simply express her sorrow.

 

I remember my grandmother, my dad's mom, telling me as a nine year old, even though he's a dad, he's not acting like an adult, doing the right thing, or something like that. She said it better. But whatever it was, I have always held on to that and it somehow has given me permission to accept his failings and let go.

 

I hope sharing this story can help you work through your feelings in a some way. You have had a lot to deal with these last months and I hope you find some peace. :grouphug:

[HSMom2One]

 

Oh no. :( That's not a good beginning at all.

 

You've got so much going on right now, it's okay to give this some time and space. :grouphug: We have reunion issues in our house - DH's, and some others' - and re-opening contact is so fraught with emotion... We've all had to learn that there are times we are just too ... I don't know the right word here, but what comes to mind is that our cups are too full to handle more without overflowing. If you are overflowing already, Bethany, it's okay to put this on the shelf for now.

 

I agree! Be gentle on yourself by not rushing with replies, putting her on a restricted access or even blocking her for awhile. I've had to do this myself with FB because some relationships just aren't healthy when limited to FB alone. One family member used to start arguments with me, challenging me to controversial issues in public. Another relative started arguments with dh and I in response to photos we posted that she used to express jealousy over, and she also used FB to (for lack of a better word) spy on me to see what dh and I were doing, who I was connected to, etc. I finally decided to unfriend and even block them along with some other people on my list and use FB for my own purposes -- to stay connected with people that I have established, healthy relationships with. If I want to change the status at some point up ahead then I have that option, but only when I'm ready and on my terms.

 

I think I would message her saying "I need real-life relationship, not internet relationship. If you're ready for that, here's my phone number." I think it's important to maintain an attitude of love, compassion and forgiveness, as Christians, but it's not real to forge this kind of relationship on the internet. This situation needs to be real life. My $.02.

 

:iagree: You deserve more than FB from your bio mom. If she is sincere, she'll agree to make face to face contact when and if you are interested. It would be wonderful if things led up to forgiveness and healing for you at some point, even if you choose not to become close. But FB doesn't offer anything close to what that would take.

 

God bless you my dear. Take care of yourself, and focus on your beloved dad during these very precious days you have.

 

Blessings,

Lucinda

[Kim in Appalachia]

I friended her. Then made her prove it was really her.

 

Then I told her she had already started off on the wrong foot with me because she made some comment like "your dad took you away from me". Now is not the time for anyone to talk bad to me about my dad. Especially her.

 

:grouphug: that just sounds bad. I'm sorry she's putting you through this. :grouphug: